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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  August 15, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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>> see you later, folks. >> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, tom arnold, comedian jerrod carmichael, "$100,000 pyramid" contestant evan kaufman, and music from death cab for cutie. and now, and why not, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: i'm your host, thanks for watching. we have a lot to get [cheers and applause] just for a moment allow me an
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opportunity to change your life, all right? so the other night, on monday, i mentioned that i had a dream. i was on a flight from new york to l.a. and woke up really thinking there must be a better way to mix peanut butter, because i hate mixing a new jar of peanut butter, you have to be like dwayne the rock johnson to mix it. i went on amazon and searched the words peanut butter mixer, sure enough, last night a box arrived at my house that contained this, a peanut butter mixer. so, [ applause ] allow me to show you how it works. it's pretty simple. you take the cap off your peanut butter. hopefully your cap fits your peanut butter. you put this thing in and screw the cap on. okay? ♪ it's like being at costco, watching a demo. then you do this. ♪
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you turn, i don't know if you can see it going in there. you just do this for about an hour, hour and a half. and then you will get creamy, mixed -- [cheers and applause] -- peanut butter. a little benefit oiit of oil, b okay. and yes, you may be wondering, why would a person dedicate two minutes to live television to demonstrate mixing peanut butter. because i'm trying to improve your life. [ applause ] now we'll do trump, all right? the white house as you may know is tistill reeling from omarosa. she released a tell-all book. maybe the most shocking revelation is that she spent time working in the white house.
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there are a lot of interesting tidbits. in her book, omarosa suggests that upon meeting this person, donald trump, thought who of the following was gay, a, jared kushner, b, mike pence, c, dennis rodman or d, ruth bader ginsburg. the answer is a, jared kushner. when he started dating ivanka, he thought he seemed a little sweet. everybody knows that's a dumb thing insecure guys say when another guy's dating a girl he has a crush on. it's common. [ applause ] there's some fun stuff about the vice president, mike pence. omarosa claims that mike pence frequently defends the president's actions by saying god tells me to support the president. so he does. maybe god tells mike pence, maybe he doses.
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maybe he doesn't know how the intercome on his desk work. god tells me to bring him a diet coke. scaramucci stuck around the white house ten days until trump told him to go. and then when he did, he went into a small office and started to cry a girly cry. and then he used his tears to slick back his beautiful hair. what a terrific place to work, you know? [ applause ] and this might be the most salacious detail of all. omarosa implies that the president had an affair with his spiritual adviser, a tv pastor named paula white who recently told her followers to send her a month of their salary or face divine consequences. so you can see why these two might hit it off. let's look at paula white again. she gave the invocation at the inauguration. i don't know if there's any truth to this, but she does look
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like a combination of stormy and ivanka. she wrote she couldn't stop herself from considering whether her position of spiritual adviser had been missionary. there's no evidence of anything untoward at all. i'm sure the president does this sort of thing. part of his leave no pastors behind behind policy. [ applause ] you know, he's in a funny pickle for his friends at fox&friends. they've been in double spin mode defending the president. yesterday trump called omarosa a dog. he tweeted she was a crazed, crying lowlife dog in which she released a phone conversation in which his team tried to figure out how to spin the n-word. one, patton, took to fox news to
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explain why the president calling a woman a dog is not a big deal. >> the president has called a lot of people dogs, mark cuban a dog, robert patterson, bill maher, i mean, to me, that's not something that's either racial or, you know, specific to omarosa. what he's doing is fighting back against somebody who has wronged him. and he has every right to do that by any means necessary. >> unbelievable. this is how they defend, this man has called more people dog than randy jackson, so it's right. [ applause ] so the other character, trump's lawyer, rudy giuliani was on cnn last night defending his client. chris cuomo asked a reasonable question, after all these white house firings, defections, arrests, its, he asked if the president is living up to his promise of hiring the best
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people. >> do you think that the president has brought only the best into the white house? >> yeah. pretty much. jared. [ laughter ] >> first name. when asked whether he brings in the first name that comes to him is jared. i'm not even sure jared is alive. it has been another bitter week for sarah huckabee sanders. she had to apologize for wildly mischaracterizing african-american employment numbers, and with all of this going, she's full it's time for a new edition of her popular hgtv show, mommin'. >> mom, have you seen our dog? >> i think would be better off for all of us to walk away and focus on some things. the. >> that didn't answer my question. >> no, it didn't.
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>> that's certainly not a question i can answer as somebody in an official government capacity. thanks guys, have a great day. >> well, that ♪ jk n >> jimmy: now that we've lost roseanne, she really is america's mom. > and to news that our iphones are listening to us, apple says they not. that's like if your neighbor knocks on the bathroom window and says i haven't been watching you shower. but your iphone has not been spying on you, and to assure us, apple took the unprecedented step of releasing this message. >> at apple, we've been getting a lot of questions about how well your phone knows you. let us assure you, no, your iphone is not spying on you. it's keeping track of your
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passwords, your finger prints and your face while also tracking your movements and sending any photos you take to our corporate database, i to icloud where it's safe. we're not spying on you, but we have your nudes, and we know where you are. guillermo rodriguez. >> jimmy: a candidate for the florida house of representatives suspended her campaign yesterday after misleading facebook posts. melissa howard posted a feet over herse -- photo of herself with a diploma. it was a fake. someone from the college looked up her records and found that she did not have a degree from miami university of ohio which is a school that already sounds made up by the way. if you look closely at the diploma in the picture, you can see it's written on dolphin
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stationary and was signed by pit bull. it's not even from there. but she is now out of the race. instead of tearing this woman down form pretending to have a diploma, shouldn't we celebrating her for taking the time to forge one in the first place? [ applause ] hey, you know steven tyler, the dude that looks like a lady? he and his fellow aerosmithsonians were on the "today" show. he made the most show entrance of all time. >> based on the crowd. they are right there. hang on, they're coming down the
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stairs. [ laughter ] you're messing up his dream catchers, leave him alone. the annual list of the highest-paying jobs in the united states is out for the fourth year in a row and the honor goes to physician. doctors have an income of about $196,000 a year. i guess being a kardashian doesn't count as a job. the number two earner is pharmacy manager at $146,000. and third on the list, beyonce's wind machine operator. $138,000 a year. [ applause ] here's a video that has been making the rounds. this is from the $100,000 pyramid on, on which a gentleman contestant had a difficult time with a question that really wasn't so difficult. >> for $50,000, is your first
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subject. go. >> bin laden. barack obama's. >> how tim meadows figured that out, i don't know. but that's what you call a oops, and we tracked the guy down and he's joining us from brooklyn, new york. congratulations on really one of the great moments in game show history right there. >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: what do you do for a living, evan? >> well, i was a comedian. >> jimmy: but that was not a joke, right? >> no, that was a terrible, terrible mistake. i actually, i work for a parenting website called fatherly, and i make a web
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series about raising my son called "dude to dad", and i'm not setting a great example. >> jimmy: yeah, how old is your son? >> he is 4 months old. >> jimmy: okay, so it's going to be a little while before you explain that to him i guess. >> he found out about it. >> jimmy: you were saying you were sleepy because your son had been keeping you up all night. so you blamed your instant son for this. that's a great way to start out, very fatherly by the way, yes. >> yeah, yeah. he was born on april 22nd, and i went on the show two weeks later, and yeah, i delivered the worst answer in game show history. >> jimmy: it wasn't the worst, but it was top five. what did tim meadows say to you afterwards? did he, i mean, what was he thinking when you threw bin laden out there? >> so the show was over, and so
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was my life at that point. and tim pulled me aside, and we actually lost on the question what would a margarita say. and tim pulled me aside and he's concerned, and i'm like, oh, i'm concerned, too, tim. and he says, ah, i'm sorry i missed that one. my grandmother's name is actually margarita. >> jimmy: that's what he was worried about. >> yeah. not so much me. >> jimmy: not at all. >> tim is a very sweet man. >> jimmy: if you could do this over again, would you change it or are you okay with the way it turned out? >> oh, i don't think i would do it again. >> jimmy: to any bin laden fans, thank you for the shout out. >> you know, i haven't heard from them yet. but i'm sure i will now. >> jimmy: well, we got you a little present, and i hope you
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appreciate this. it's actually for your son, but here you go. it's a little onesie for your son. so, and it's got obama on one side and then not obama. all right? thank you, evan. we'll send this to you. tonight in the show, music from death cab for cutie, jerrod carmichael is here, and we'll be right back with tom arnold. [cheers and applause] ause]
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no paint bleed. for sharp lines every time, frog it! [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: tonight, a very funny guy, his new hbo special is called "drew michael," jerrod carmichael is here.
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then, their new album comes out friday. it's called "thank you for today." death cab for cutie from the mercedes-benz outdoor stage. tomorrow, don cheadle and zoe kravitz will join us, and we'll have music from blood orange featuring a$ap rocky. so please be with us then. our first guest is an exuberant man of many talents who adds investigative journalist to his curious resume in his new show "the hunt for the trump tapes with tom arnold s noptd skk spg > >> i have a television
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tom arnold" debuts september 18th on viceland. please welcome tom arnold. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: thank you. you are really fired up. what have you gotten yourself into? >> well, you know, i mean, you started, it's always, the whole thing is saying knock it off. to donald trump. >> jimmy: oh. n knock what off, his hair? >> you know, i've known the guy 30 years. >> jimmy: do you really know him? >> unfortunately, i know everything. trump castle, did some business with him. he was on the sports show. i've been to the playboy mansion with him, and i wasn't the
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creepy guy. i have a history with this guy, and he's fine. he is what he is. but back in 2011. by the way, he would call my house with mark burnett and beg me to do "the apprentice." it is such a crappy show that i wouldn't do it. like that is for real. that says a lot. because i do everything. >> jimmy: you would have been good on that show. >> i would have been, yeah. so anyway, i turn on the tv, 2011, and there's donald trump, and he's saying barack obama was not born here. barack obama, if you know his life story, it's very similar to me. >> jimmy: you're almost the same guy, really. >> for real, his mom is from wichita, kansas, and my mom is from ottumwa, iowa. but other than that, you know, for real, like i always, he lived with his his his his his s
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his grandfather looks just like my grandfather, for real. his grandfather defended him. and i saw donald trump, who's one of these a-holes that's like barack obama's president, i'm a rich guy. he wasn't born here, how about that? and i'm like, his grandma's alive. by the way, he waited gra grandpa was dead before he said it, because he would have said, i'm going to kick your ass. i called mark burnett, saying what are you going to do about this? this guy's on tv saying barack obama wasn't born here. >> jimmy: was this while the "apprentice" was on? >> yes. that's the first time i said knock it off. and he's going along. he's not going to be the president, jimmy. then the "access hollywood" tape
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cops ou comes out, that will do him in, it doesn't. i've seen this compilation tape, if you're on one of these row t reality shows. there's compilation tapes of me doing horrible, disgusting things, of course, i do horrible, disgusting things, but i'm also not running for president. i remember this tape i saw, and i described it exactly, he says the n-word, he calls eric the r-word. now they call it the n-word tape. i have friends that work on that tape. and i explained exactly. and so this becomes the story. >> jimmy: right. >> now today, this week, people are talking about the n-word tape. and people have questioned me. and it's gone on this whole thing. there's two people who have never called me a liar about the n-word tape. >> jimmy: who?
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>> donald trump and mark burnett, because they know it's true, they absolutely know it's true. so i'm going along. when they start talking about it, under big journalists, jane mayer, michael isikoff, these are legitimate people. i'm a crazy person, you know that. >> jimmy: we're getting a sense of that right now. [cheers and applause] and i ask you about this tape because i've been saying, we're friends, i want to hear this tape. >> you will. >> jimmy: you keep saying you will. when? when he's like, retired? >> every, every tape, let me say, number one, what's happened this week, yesterday he tweeted my friend mark burnett, and he tagged mark burnett, will back me up that there is no n-word tape. well, today, i'm waiting for his friend mark burnett. by the way, mark bush nrnett is mgm board member. came to me last week and he
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said, you know, i'm so worried about this, and he said mark burnett told me, do not talk about it. because i'm the most powerful man in show business. donald trump is my best friend. so they're board members of mgm are scared about this. >> jimmy: but mark burnett specifically said i do not support donald trump's presidency. >> no, no, no. he hasn't done anything. there are children that have been imprisoned at the border. mark burnett has a show called "survivor." those children, they can't locate their parents. they're in central america. mark burnett could do something. he does nothing. >> jimmy: wait a minute, why -- >> because's the best friend of the president. he sits next to him at a prayer breakfast, do something! >> jimmy: what does he have to do with the border, mark burnett? >> that's his skill. let me tell you something. >> jimmy: they are best friends?
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>> no, they are literally best friends. >> jimmy: i don't think judgment has friends. >> here's the truth i've known about donald trump from day one. he is incompetent. if you've worked on "the apprentice", they edit it. he thought he was as smart as trump sometimes. in fact, many times -- [cheers and applause] and mark burnett has protected him, because he won't release that tape. but we're getting the whole -- i want to see one day, if you could see one day of donald trump on that set, one full day, you'll realize that's what's going on. he's incompetent, he is racist. he sexually harasses people. they edited it to 20 minutes of the boardroom set, but if could you see the whole thing. >> jimmy: you've seen it. >> absolutely i've seen it. and you will see it. legally, they have to tape him, the fcc, it's a requirement.
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>> jimmy: because it's a game show. >> so legally, it's on a hard drive in mgm tv, they have t. >> jimmy: i see happening -- >> he's trying to fire every member of the fbi and justice department to protect him. he has something with putin. if you don't see it, he's giving away our country. >> jimmy: let's take a break. >> and i want the pee-pee tape. >> jimmy: that's what i want to talk about. we'll be right back. portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by the happy time murders. rs. (sprintern) iphone x! i love that you can unlock it with faceid. (employee) i love that it's on sprint's network built for unlimited. (sprintern) sprint's best deal ever. you know they're flying off the shelves. don't you love it? (sas-bot) love? who said that? i didn't say that. (sprintern) well this just got... (sas-bot) okay! terrific! (sprintern)...awkward. (sas-bot) yeah, thank you!
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>> jimmy: tom arnold is with us. tom, these russia tapes, you believe they exist? >> first of all, anything, you know, the great thing about doing this stuff with donald trump, you can say anything, accuse him of anything, in his mind, he's like, i may have done that. first of all. when the steele dossier came out, he read it, the first day of the presidency he's like this. oh, it says here that i, oh, the pee-pee tape, yeah, that
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wouldn't happen because i'm a germaphobe. and then we find out about all these porn stars. i'm germaphobe, and yet, that's not going to hold up in court, is it? yeah. and so. >> jimmy: all right. >> but i lived in moscow in the ritz-carlton in 2015, the summer, the same place where all this went down with donald trump. the guy that financed the movie, the russian oligarch. that's the reason i have to do this. it involves such a big deal with the president tells you that he should not be the president. the fact that i know -- [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: tom arnold, debuts september 18th 10:30 on viceland. we'll be back. ♪ ♪ you guys want? t dpistachio. chocolate chip. rocky road. i see what's going on here.
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>> jimmy: welcome back, jerrod carmichael and death cab for cutie are on the way, but first, we pulled a little prank on our friend guillermo. we asked him to interview one of the puppets from the new movie "the happytime murders," but instead of telling him it's an r rated movie with a lot of foul
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language, we told him he would be interviewing a friendly puppet from a kids' movie. hillarityen sued. >> i'm excited to talk to you about your new kids' movie, "happy time gang." >> that's not the right poster. what is this? why is this here? can you get rid of that? that's not right. there, there, there, there's the movie. >> what is "happy time" movie about? >> it's about a p.i. who has a big [ bleep ] and a big set of balls. >> what is a p.i. >> >> did you ever bang a
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stripper? >> no. now let's get to your balls. >> you can suck your [ bleep ], [ bleep ], [ bleep ], [ bleep ], your mother and your dog. i'm getting out of here. i'm >> the happy time murders. coming august 24th. >> jimmy: we'll be right back with jerrod carmichael.
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♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: our next guest is a very funny actor, writer, comedian and now director, too, of a very artistic and original comedy special "drew michael" premieres on hbo august 25th. please welcome jerrod carmichael. ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: how you doin'? >> doing well. >> jimmy: you don't have any tapes of the president that you've heard or anything like that? >> well, he probably said [ bleep ], but [ bleep ]. what are we doin'? is that impeachable? if he said [ bleep ] is racist, but it's not. i don't know if it's impeachable. >> jimmy: i don't know if it's impeachable, but it might be something where people go,
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that's enough. >> tom arnold's passionate. i haven't seen him this passionate. >> jimmy: the volcano in hawaii was like wow, take it easy. >> it's weird. i sound cynical. tom arnold's going to solve it. i hate to, that will show'em. i don't know. i'd rather we just talk about something else sometimes. >> jimmy: i mean, listen, it's not the strangest thing in the constellation of the trump universe, that's for sure. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: you brought your niece and nephew? >> they're hanging out back stage. i missed the -- >> jimmy: oh, you won a j.d. power award. >> you won a j.d. power? >> jimmy: we were awarded a j.d. power. >> i've steep on commercials. >> jimmy: you get it for excellence.
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[cheers and applause] >> that's really good. >> jimmy: most reliable mid-sized late night talk show. that's going to be on my desk for the next eight to 11 years. thank you for noticing it. tom came out, it's all about trump. no mention of me. or the associates for that maertd. -- matter. >> i'd want to know who that is. >> jimmy: who j.d. power is? >> i've seen the commercial. >> jimmy: he's a map. he -- man. 's be he's been replaced by a corporation. they rate our overall customer satisfaction. and turns out, pretty damn satisfied. [cheers and applause] >> it's just like, do you, like, do cocaine, so they can -- like
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the energy of the audience from the '70s? oh, my god. >> jimmy: we take it from tom. speaking of passion, kanye west was here last week, and he told me, i was chatting with him after the show. he told me he's a big fan of yours and that he's your friend, is that true? >> yeah, i love him, i love him a lot. he's really nice. >> jimmy: what is it like to hang out with him in a social setting? >> i don't know. he's really cool. he's nice to everybody. >> jimmy: does he like -- >> the movies. >> jimmy: movies. >> just like regular stuff. >> jimmy: really, movies? >> yeah. >> jimmy: what movie did you go see with him? >> it feels weird talking about it. i don't know why. it's like, i don't know. it's just like -- >> jimmy: do you ever feel like you're trading.
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>> i wanted to do a thing where i wanted to translate kanye. >> jimmy: for us, for the audience. >> for the audience, i felt like a kid listening to his music and i would see his speeches and stuff, i was like, oh, i feel like i understand you, really ra understand. >> jimmy: is there anything in particular you'd like to translate for us? >> not particularly. he speaks in terms that -- i thought it would be cool. >> jimmy: you directed this hbo special, "drew michael", is this a friend of yours? >> yeah, i saw him perform in montreal. i thought it was really interesting, a really great performer and had there's what specific way i thought he should be captured, a
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certain way it should be shot. >> jimmy: it's unlike any other comedy special i have seen. it's very interesting the way you shot it, and i think people are going to have to see it for themselves to understand what's happening. >> no audience. we shot it without an audience. not that we couldn't have used your energy. [cheers and >> jimmy: you didn't do a disservice to the audience at all. >> some of the shots are just of his mouth. >> jimmy: just his head? >> finding ways to capture it, so you'll hopefully listen. hopefully people will like it or find interesting at least. with comedy, i don't know, i feel like it should be presented in more unique ways. i think we've kind of found like the same way to capture it, and
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weaver' ki we've kind of repeated that since the '70s. i thought there were more interesting ways to capture someone's thoughts. >> jimmy: you definitely came up with an interesting way to capture his thoughts. did you at one point go oh, boy, i wish i'd saved this for myself? >> yeah, immediately. i had the idea, and i was like, [ bleep ]. i really liked the idea. >> jimmy: well, you did a terrific job with this special. i know you have a lot of things going on, but this directing thing seems to suit you really well. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: jerrod carmichael! "drew michael" premieres august 25th on hbo. and we'll return with music from death cab for cutie. ♪ ♪ the jimmy kimmel concert series presented by mercedes benz. benz.
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learn more, or get started for $29.99 a month for 12 months. click, call or visit a store today. the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: thanks for watching a new episode of "jimmy kimmel live" with tom arnold, jerrod carmichael, and more
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music from death cab for cutie starts right now on abc that's on television! >> jimmy: i want to thank tom arnold and je matt damon, we ran out of time. this is their album "thank you for today." here with the song "gold rush" death cab for cutie! ♪ ♪ gold rush they're digging for gold in my neighborhood gold rush ♪ ♪ where all the old buildings stood gold rush and they keep digging ♪ ♪ it down and down gold rush so that their cars can live underground ♪ ♪ gold rush the swinging of a wrecking ball gold rush ♪ ♪ through these lathe and plaster walls gold rush is letting all ♪ ♪ the shadows free gold rush the ones i wished still followed me ♪ ♪ change followed me followed me please don't change ♪ ♪ stay followed me followed me
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stay the same ♪ ♪ gold rush i remember a winter's night gold rush when we kissed beneath ♪ ♪ the street lamp light gold rush outside our bar near the record store ♪ ♪ gold rush that have been condos for a year or more gold rush ♪ ♪ and now that our haunts have taken flight gold rush and been replaced ♪ ♪ with construction sites gold rush oh how i feel like a stranger here ♪ ♪ gold rush searching for something that's disappeared gold rush ♪ ♪ they're digging for gold in my neighborhood gold rush for what they say ♪ ♪ is the greater good gold rush but all i see is a long goodbye ♪ ♪ gold rush a requiem for a skyline gold rush it seems i never ♪ ♪ stop losing you gold rush as every dive becomes something new ♪ ♪ gold rush and all our ghosts get swept away gold rush ♪ ♪ it didn't used to be this way change be this way ♪ ♪ be this way please don't change
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stay be this way ♪ ♪ be this way stay the same cranes be this way ♪ ♪ be this way devour the light strange be this way ♪ ♪ be this way appetites i've ascribed these monuments ♪ ♪ a false sense of permanence i've placed faith in geography ♪ ♪ to hold you in my memory gold rush i'm sifting through these wreckage piles ♪ ♪ gold rush through the rubble of bricks and wires gold rush ♪ ♪ looking for something i'll never find gold rush looking for something ♪ ♪ i'll never find they're digging for gold in my neighborhood ♪ ♪ gold rush where all the old
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buildings stood gold rush ♪ ♪ and they keep digging it down and down gold rush so that their cars ♪ ♪ can live underground gold rush it seems i never stop losing you ♪ ♪ gold rush as every dive becomes something new gold rush ♪ ♪ and all our ghosts get swept away gold rush it didn't used ♪ ♪ to be this way change it didn't used to be this way ♪ ♪ gold rush it didn't used to be this way please don't change ♪ ♪ gold rush it didn't used to be this way gold rush ♪ ♪ it didn't used to be this way stay it didn't used ♪ ♪ to be this way gold rush it didn't used to be this way ♪ ♪ stay the same gold rush it didn't used to be this way ♪ ♪ gold rush it didn't used to be this way ♪ ♪ ♪ stay
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♪ stay the same ♪ same same ♪ sam [cheers and applause] plause]
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this is "nightline." tonight, it's back to school in parkland, florida. >> there was a bullet hole in the backpack that's forever going to be a memory. >> reporter: for six months, we followed students as they grieve and fight back after the massacre that killed 17 people. now they face the future while coming to terms with the past. >> i went through this, and it's a part of me now, but it doesn't have to define me. >> changes in other communities, too, like bullet-proof backpacks. >> so you're going to take it and use it as a shield. >> one teen's invention, a bulletproof wall. >> it's a barrier to behind behind in the event of a school

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