Skip to main content

tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  August 22, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

11:35 pm
for laughing. do the from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight, jim gaffigan, from the pittsburgh steelers antonio brown, this week in unnecessary censorship, and music from imagine dragons. and now, without further ado, here's jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. thank you. hi, hola. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. thank you for joining us. i know many of you are visiting
11:36 pm
us here in the united state of california. you know, there's talk -- i don't know if you heard about this. there was an initiative on the california state ballot that, if it passed, would separate the state, california, into three different states. but the california supreme court just put the kibosh on it, so it will not be on the ballot in november, which i have to say is a shame. the names they picked out for the new states were adorable. we would have been split into kim-ifornia, khloe-ifornia -- i think the third one was vanderpump-slovenia. you can't break up california. you know how much beach boy songs that would ruin? all of them. president trump had another busy day trying to pull his weiner out of a lawnmower. [ laughter ] the president has been working very hard to distance himself from himself. as you know he pretty clearly sided with vladimir putin over our own u.s. intelligence agencies after his meeting with putin in helsinki.
11:37 pm
he said he believed putin when he said he didn't try to influence our election and people are going nuts over this. and i get that, i do. i want to defend the president just a little bit. people are calling him a traitor, they're calling him a liar, a coward. not just democrats. he's being hammered by people in his own party too. i want you to really be honest. if someone had a tape of hookers going number one, possibly number two on you, you would do the same thing, okay? admit it. [ cheers and applause ] it would be like, oh, vladamir, he's a good dude, he would never do anything sneaky like that right? in an interview on cbs last night the president was asked again whether he agrees with his own national intelligence director, dan coats, who says russia continues to this day to attack us in cyberspace. >> coats says the threat is ongoing. do you agree with that? >> i'd accept that. he's an expert, this is what he does, he's been doing a very good job. i have tremendous faith in dan coats.
11:38 pm
if he says that, i would accept that. i will tell you, though, it better not be. it better not be. >> jimmy: just so i'm clear. he believes it's happening, but it better not be happening. [ laughter ] it's like we elected the riddler, it's confusing. [ laughter ] on top of all that another plot twist. according to the failing "new york times," two weeks before his inauguration trump got a full briefing from the intelligence lead there's showed unequivocally that vladimir putin personally ordered russian meddling in our election. they showed him e-mails, text messages from russian intelligence agents, which means trump has specifically known who interfered with this election the whole time. and it wasn't, as he suggested, a 400-pound guy sitting on his bed or others as he keeps saying. it was his kgbff vladimir putin. and that is hard to swallow. that would mean our president, donald j. trump, has been lying. ♪ dum dum dum
11:39 pm
but none of it is true, of course. because the media is the enemy of the american people. that's what he tweeted this morning. but despite that, president trump had the courage to meet that enemy head-on today as he sat down with his adversaries at cnbc. >> i have been far tougher on russia than any president in many, many years. maybe ever. but look at the sanctions i've put on. look at the diplomats i threw out. look at all of the things that i've done. nobody else did what i've done. obama didn't do it. obama was a patsy for russia. he was a total patsy. >> jimmy: i think what he's doing is called projecting. [ laughter ] i mean, he might as well say obama has a comb-over. it's that blatant. might as well say we wouldn't be in this position if obama wasn't so fat. [ laughter ] and we still don't know what went on in that meeting. in fact, putin is now talking about the agreements he made with trump. we don't know what they are because there was no one else there. it was just them and their
11:40 pm
translators. democrats actually tried to subpoena trump's translator today to ask what the hell went on. but republicans blocked it because they were worried they might find out what the hell went on. it's been a horrible week for republicans in congress who are said to be dispirited and glum following the president's disastrous performance. everyone is down. everyone except mike pence. he's been walking around whistling "hail to the chief." they say he's been doing a suspicious amount of skipping. [ laughter ] and with all this going on, all of this happening, they announce today that the president has invited putin to washington, d.c. for real. discussions are under way for a putin visit to the white house sometime this fall. it was a surprise to everyone, including trump's director of national intelligence, dan coats, in the middle of a live interview with andrea mitchell when he got the news. >> we have some breaking news. the white house has announced on twitter that vladimir putin is coming to the white house in the fall. >> say that again?
11:41 pm
[ laughter ] >> vladimir putin -- >> did i hear you -- >> yeah, yeah. >> okay. >> yeah. >> that's going to be special. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it will be a special visit indeed. that's a great idea, another meeting between them. a diplomatic equivalent of making a sequel to the "emoji" movie. [ laughter ] comic-con is under way, which means the i.t. guy from work is in a starbucks squeezing into a deadpool onesie in san diego. comic-con, the only convention where every one of the city's hotel rooms are full for five days, no one gets an std the whole time. if you're heading to comic-con, it's supposed to hot in san diego, be sure to keep your aquaman properly hydrated. never leave him in a car with the windows up. many of the thousands of fans who go to comic-con like to
11:42 pm
dress up as their favorite characters. i thought it might be wise to get tips from our favorite characters, the hollywood boulevard superheroes. these brave men and once in a great while women, every day they wear their costumes in the hot sun, take photos with tourists for tips. these are the real heroes. a few of them are assembled outside our theater. we have superman, spider-man, and the incredible hulk are there. [ cheers and applause ] so gentlemen, you look great. are any of you going to comic-con this weekend? >> no. >> no. >> jimmy: no, okay. i thought maybe you might be able to share advice on dressing up for those who are going, like superman, where do you keep your wallet when you are -- oh in that fanny pack? >> fanny pack. >> jimmy: is it okay for superman to have a fanny pack? >> yeah. >> jimmy: it is, okay, all right. it can be black, it can be any color, doesn't have to coordinate with the costume? never mind, superman.
11:43 pm
spider-man, first of all, where's your mask, spider-man? oh, it's right there, okay. where did you get your costume? >> i found it at a thrift shop. >> jimmy: all right. and do you ever experience chafing in that thing? >> oh, yeah. i carry baby powder. >> jimmy: oh, you do, all right. and this has got to be the worst costume in the world, the incredible hulk. how do you use the bathroom with those giant rubber hands that you have? [ indiscernible mumbling ] >> jimmy: can you repeat that? oh. we've got another spider-man there too. [ laughter ] hulk, i'm sorry, i can't understand. i can't understand what you're saying. how do you go to the bathroom with those hands? >> i told you. [ cheers and applause ] i just -- i go -- i go right -- right in the suit.
11:44 pm
i go in the suit. >> jimmy: oh, wait a minute, jon stewart, you play the incredible hulk out there on hollywood boulevard? >> oh yeah. i mean, not -- i wouldn't say incredible. but adequate. i play an adequate hulk. i do. >> jimmy: how long have you been doing this? >> out here? >> jimmy: yeah. >> well, i left "the daily show" august 6th, 2015. and then i -- august 7th, 2015, was the next day. >> jimmy: that's crazy. i didn't know that. how are you doing tip-wise today? >> not as good money-wise as i would like. but a guy did tell me i should go [ bleep ] myself, which technically is a tip. >> jimmy: no -- >> it is a tip. >> jimmy: i don't know if that is a tip. >> it's a tip, jimmy. >> jimmy: it is a tip? >> i don't do it for money, i do it for the kids! come here, i do it for the kids! >> jimmy: how excited these children are to see you. >> he's excited. the sparkle in the little boy's eyes when he hears the sound of the hulk flying in the
11:45 pm
hulk-copter! hulk fly, arrgh! >> jimmy: what's a hulk-copter? >> it's my -- the hulk's private helicopter. >> jimmy: the hulk does not have a helicopter. >> he's got a [ bleep ] hulk-copter! >> jimmy: he does not. >> i'm the hulk! i know what i fly! >> jimmy: all right. >> don't make me angry, jimmy, you wouldn't like me when i'm angry. >> jimmy: may i ask -- >> you wouldn't like me when i'm angry. >> jimmy: what happens when you're angry? >> my back hurts and i get quiet. >> jimmy: okay, all right. nobody wants that. i'll let you get back to work. thank you, jon. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you, superman. thank you, spider-man. wow. that's amazing. those three guys have ten emmys between them, it's incredible. we're going to take a break. when we come back, we will go live to times square where i will try to guess if people on the street are new yorkers or not. so stick around, we'll be right back.
11:46 pm
get your family active with 25% off adidas for the entire family
11:47 pm
and get kohl's cash for you! that's 25% off select adidas shoes track jackets hoodies backpacks and more! adidas for your family - kohl's cash for you! right now - and only at kohl's. why did i want a crest 3d white smile? dinner date. meeting his parents, dinner date. so i used crest. crest 3d white removes 95% of surface stains in just 3 days, for a whiter smile that will win them over. look for a one dollar coupon in this sunday's paper. i love you iphone x. (sprintern) whoah! (sas-bot) nothing. hmm? nothing. (sprintern) iphone x! i love that you can unlock it with faceid. (employee) i love that it's on sprint's network built for unlimited. (sprintern) sprint's best deal ever. you know they're flying off the shelves. don't you love it? (sas-bot) love? who said that? i didn't say that. (sprintern) well this just got... (sas-bot) okay! terrific! (sprintern)...awkward. (sas-bot) yeah, thank you! (sprintern) so we'll get on out. (sas-bot) i thought they'd never leave. (vo) get the unrivaled iphone x for the best price. now just $5 a month. for people with hearing loss, that's right. just $5 a month. visit sprintrelay.com. man 1: this is my body of proof. woman 1: proof of less joint pain...
11:48 pm
woman 2: ...and clearer skin. woman 3: this is my body of proof. man 2: proof that i can fight psoriatic arthritis... woman 4: ...with humira. woman 5: humira targets and blocks a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. it's proven to help relieve pain, stop further irreversible joint damage, and clear skin in many adults. humira is the #1 prescribed biologic for psoriatic arthritis. avo: humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. woman 6: need more proof? woman 7: ask your rheumatologist about humira. man 1: what's your body of proof? woman 7: ask your rheumatologist ♪ l♪ uh-huh. whoo! f a hand! ♪ tell myself get up and dance! ♪
11:49 pm
♪ so i move my feet ♪ i love all of me cat and jack denim. starting at $8 all season long. ♪ whoo!
11:50 pm
>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. still to come, antonio brown and music from imagine dragons is on the way. first, from time to time i like to play a game with some of the people who pass by our studio in hollywood, called "foreigner or not." i guess if pedestrians are foreigners or not. we've won a lot of awards for this. but tonight we decided to mix it up a bit. tonight we are going to times square to play a slightly different version -- called "new yorker or not?" cousin sal's in new york. hey, cousin cal. >> sal: what's happening? >> jimmy: hi, everyone.
11:51 pm
everything's good here. cousin sal, you are a new yorker, correct? >> sal: you think i'd be wearing this embarrassing hat if i wasn't? i am, yes. >> jimmy: it's sad to be a mets fan, yes. the way this works is sal will bring in a pedestrian, i will try to guess if he or she is a new yorker or not. let's meet our first pedestrian. we've instructed all of our participants tonight not to speak so that their accents don't immediately give them away. hi, what's your name? okay, good, you listen to instructions. you've been appropriately prepped. but i also now know that you speak english, or at least i think you speak english. okay. let's take a look here. let's see. it's thursday night in new york, in times square. most of the people in times square aren't from new york, usually. let's pan down and get a look at the shoes. i want to see if these are vacation shoes. yeah, those are vacation shoes. i'm going to say you are not a new yorker. >> sal: all right, show him.
11:52 pm
>> jimmy: oh, i'm wrong! where are you from? >> brooklyn, new york. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, boy. you really are a new yorker. what is your name? >> celeste. >> jimmy: celeste, well, thank you. well, celeste, what do you give someone named celeste? you give them a pizza, of course. there's a pizza for you, celeste, enjoy it. let's have a look at that, sal. okay, thank you, celeste. thank you so much. >> sal: that's the real thing. >> jimmy: all right, i'm 0 for 1. i'm usually good at this stuff. it's harder with the city. who do we have out there, cousin sal? oh, hi, there. what's your name? okay, yeah, all right. i heard a little something there. but i still don't know whether he's from new york or not. you do have -- okay, you got the yankees hat on. that might mean -- almost nothing. let's pan down to see whether you have vacation shoes on or not. okay, those could be anything. that could be anything. wow. a lot going on with those jeans,
11:53 pm
though, huh? yeah. they look expensive. how much did those jeans cost you? just hold up the number of fingers in hundreds. that they cost. >> sal: how many hundreds? >> jimmy: he won't even -- >> sal: embarrassed. >> jimmy: i am going to say you are not a new yorker. are you a new yorker? >> sal: all right, tell him. good call. >> jimmy: oh, new jersey, that's pretty close. what's your name? >> rasheed. >> jimmy: rasheed, can you tell us how much the pants were? >> $90. >> jimmy: $90, that's not bad, all right. rasheed, thank you so much. we have a special new york gift for you. it is a pizza, a new york pizza. thank you, rasheed. all right. who is next? sal? we have? oh. a very tall gentleman. i think right off the bat i'm just going to say you are not a new yorker. is that correct? oh, canadian. >> a canadian. >> jimmy: wow, i wouldn't have guessed that.
11:54 pm
what part of canada are you from? >> i reside in wellen, ontario, canada. >> jimmy: how are you enjoying new york? >> very much. >> jimmy: this is your first time there? >> yes, it is. >> jimmy: it is. has everyone been kind to you? >> so far, yes. >> jimmy: okay. yeah, boy. you really are canadian, all right. we have a gift for you. there you go, that's a pizza. >> sal: no bacon on this, i'm sorry. >> jimmy: all right. let's meet one more, cousin sal. let's have a look at one more new yorker or not. and we have? let's see here. wait a minute. hold on a second. is that jon stewart again? >> yeah it's me. >> jimmy: jon, how did you get to new york so fast? >> oh, i don't know. my [ bleep ]ing hulk-copter. >> jimmy: there's no such thing as a -- wait a minute! >> hulk out! >> jimmy: he's got the power of
11:55 pm
invisibility too, it's remarkable. all right. one more thing before we forge ahead. you have no idea how much that cost us, by the way. a fortune. it's thursday night, which means it's time to bleep and blur the big moments of the week. it is "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> president trump [ bleep ]ed america today. >> you stood there like a little wet noodle, like a little [ bleep ] boy. >> president putin, i want to thank you again for [ bleep ]ing me. >> now if i'm jim mattis or mike pompeo i'm thinking, holy [ bleep ]. what do i do now? >> now's a good time to be aroused. now is a good time to be [ bleep ]ed up. >> i want to go [ bleep ], [ bleep ] the big sister? >> yes. >> let's go. >> unbelievable, i [ bleep ] love this crowd. >> my friend chris wallace sitting down with vladimir putin. holy [ bleep ].
11:56 pm
how did that go? >> i'm margaret brennan and this is [ bleep ] the nation. >> it's happened again. >> impaled by a [ bleep ]ing beach umbrella. >> how do you plan to do that? >> [ bleep ], [ bleep ] right here on "sesame street." >> wait a minute, did i hear someone say they want to [ bleep ] a [ bleep ] on "sesame street"? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight, music from imagine dragons, antonio brown is here. we'll be right back with jim gaffigan! ♪ introducing 24/7 denim for the family. your favorite jeans with round the clock comfort. get all jeans on sale for thirty percent off. ♪
11:57 pm
hurry in to old navy for thirty percent off all jeans, forty percent off all dresses, and fifty percent off all tees, only at old navy. this ijust listen. (vo) there's so much we want to show her. we needed a car that would last long enough to see it all. (avo) subaru outback. 98% are still on the road after 10 years. come on mom, let's go! (avo) right now, get 0% apr financing on the 2018 subaru outback. you pay in grit. you pay in dedication. so we lowered and locked in our tuition because you pay enough already. can't taste refreshing... we invite you, to see the light.
11:58 pm
jim beam, ginger ale... and a squeeze of lemon. the jim beam and ginger highball. a refreshing take on bourbon.
11:59 pm
designed to save you money. wireless network even when you've got serious binging to do. wherever your phone takes you, your wireless bill is about to cost a whole lot less. use less data with a network that has the most wifi hotspots where you need them and the best 4g lte everywhere else. saving you hundreds of dollars a year. and ask how you get xfinity mobile included with your internet. plus, get $300 back when you buy a new smartphone. xfinity mobile. it's simple. easy. awesome. click, call or visit a store today.
12:00 am
12:01 am
>> jimmy: tonight, one of the great wide receivers in fantasy football and reality football. from the pittsburgh steelers, antonio brown is here. then, this is their new single. it is called "natural." imagine dragons from the
12:02 am
mercedes-benz outdoor stage. [ cheers and applause ] i had no idea they were putting singles on vinyl now, this is remarkable. next week we have new shows with, among others, justin theroux, mandy moore, henry cavill, the roast master general jeff frost, music from calpurnia, dennis lloyd, brent cobb, the interrupters too. join us for all of that next week. our first guest is a very funny man who became a professional comedian, which is a very good choice. he has a new comedy special called "noble ape" which is available now through the comedy dynamics network and hopefully he will explain what that is now. please welcome jim gaffigan. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> that is -- they're so nice,
12:03 am
jimmy. >> jimmy: well, everyone likes you. there's nobody that dislikes you, right? you don't have situations where people say, i don't care for him. >> my dad. [ laughter ] maybe now, after six specials, i'll be good enough for his name. >> jimmy: speaking of dads, you are -- last time you were here you had two kids. >> right. >> jimmy: that has now multiplied. >> yeah. there's five. >> jimmy: to five children. how does this keep happening? >> i don't know. but it's got to stop. [ laughter ] it really has to stop. there's too many of them. i love them, but i enjoy being away from them. >> jimmy: five is a lot. five is really a lot. >> it's a lot. >> jimmy: are they with you here in los angeles? >> no, they're not. i try to make a point of traveling with my kids. >> jimmy: you do. >> i do, i don't want to be away too much. when i'm not with them and i travel, in between those moments of guilt are just hours of happiness. [ laughter ] joy and naps. it's amazing.
12:04 am
>> jimmy: joy and naps really are the same thing. it's almost redundant, right? >> it's the best. >> jimmy: will you take them on vacations with you? or is it just too much? >> i did some international shows recently. i did some shows in europe and i brought my kids with me. you know. if jet lag is hard, just wait till you do it with a 5-year-old with jet lag. >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> but it was amazing. it was fun. i'd do a show, then we'd do tourist types of things. like in amsterdam i took my kids, age 5 to 14. i took them to the anne frank house. which was a very somber and moving experience. but i wanted to show them this. and of course, you know, my 7-year-old was like, did they have wi-fi? [ laughter ] i'm like, don't talk about that. but i bought tickets online. right? for the anne frank house. i googled it. and the anne frank house has 4.4 out of 5 stars. [ laughter ]
12:05 am
who is giving the anne frank house a bad review? it's like, uh, it's kind of crowded. uh, it's kind of boring. it was one guy gave it one star. first of all, anne frank house, no stars should be applied, right? >> jimmy: a starless endeavor, yes. >> i try and bring them, you know? >> jimmy: another indignity for the frank family. >> show a little culture. it's like i can't win. >> jimmy: what else did you guys do? imagine bringing little kids -- >> i love it. we've spent -- we ended up spending two weeks in ireland. i did a show there. i truly love doing international shows. it's amazing. >> jimmy: you do? is it hard to do a show in another country? >> i mean, it's -- it's another country. >> jimmy: yeah, right. you say things, they might not get what you're talking about. >> that's some of the fun is you don't know what's going to work. you also don't know the celebrities. there are famous people in other countries where you're like, i don't know who this guy is. you guys are going crazy for
12:06 am
him. so i arrived at my dublin show, it was a small theater, and i was doing the sound check. the sound check, the sound engineer goes, is there anything special you'll be doing in your show? and i said, well, as a joke, i said i'll probably be closing out my show singing "ragland road." a famous irish folk song. he goes, i don't know if that's a good idea. and i said, why? and he said, recently billy joelle did it. and i said, who's billy joelle? he said, you don't know who billy joelle is? i'm like, i'm not from ireland, i don't know who is famous here. he goes, billy joelle is from america. i'm like, oh my gosh, there's a famous american that lives in ireland that i've never heard of. he goes, billy joelle, he wrote "uptown girl." he wrote "the piano man." and i was like, that's billy joel.
12:07 am
for a second i kind of doubted myself. is it billy joel? then my opening act came in and i told him, this guy thinks billy joel is billy joelle. he looked at me, it is billy joelle. i was like, i think i'm going to go with how billy joel pronounces his name. >> jimmy: yeah, right, which is not joelle. >> and i was like, is there no one in ireland named joel? no, we call them joelle. what if someone was named joelle? they're like, they wouldn't exist. it's absurd. >> jimmy: yeah sounds like this guy might want to get a job in the lighthouse right now. very confusing. which of all the countries you've been to, i assume you've been to a number, which is your favorite one to go to? >> i love japan. i mean, the japanese are just better at being human. they just are. the japanese toilet, you're familiar. >> jimmy: oh, yes. >> the japanese toilet washes you. it dries you. it does your taxes. and that was in the tokyo airport.
12:08 am
you leave a japanese public restroom cleaner than when you walked in. you leave an american public restroom with ptsd. >> jimmy: best-case scenario. >> it's unbelievable. >> jimmy: yeah, they do have good toilets there. >> it's amazing. generally the entire time i was in japan i felt overweight, probably because i am overweight. generally the japanese are thin. if you get really fat in japan, they make you sumo wrestle. in japan, they make their fat people fight each other. to entertain the thin people. and the fat people in japan go along with it. why am i doing this? it's prestigious. you try and push that other fat-ass out of the circle. first throw on this diaper and put your hair in a bun. >> jimmy: jim gaffigan is with us. his special is called "noble ape." we'll be right back.
12:09 am
because everyone gets $10 kohl's cash for every $50 spent! only at kohl's do you earn kohl's cash on everything even our biggest national brands! the more you shop, the more kohl's cash you'll get with no limits! kohl's cash - only at kohl's!
12:10 am
she pretty much lives in her favorite princess dress. but once a week i let her play sheriff so i can wash it. i use tide to get out those week old stains and downy to get it fresh and soft. you are free to go. tide and downy together. man: are unpredictable crohn's symptoms following you everywhere? it's time to take back control with stelara®. toely active following you everywhere? crohn's disease, stelara® works differently.
12:11 am
studies showed relief and remission with dosing every 8 weeks. woman: stelara® may lower the ability of your immune system to fight infections and may increase your risk of infections and cancer. some serious infections require hospitalization. before treatment, get tested for tuberculosis. before or during treatment, always tell your doctor if you think you have an infection or have flu-like symptoms or sores, have had cancer, or develop any new skin growths, or if anyone in your house needs or recently had a vaccine. alert your doctor of new or worsening problems, including headaches, seizures, confusion and vision problems. these may be signs of a rare, potentially fatal brain condition. some serious allergic reactions can occur. do not take stelara® if you are allergic to any of its ingredients. man: are you fed up with crohn's symptoms following you? talk to your doctor today, and learn how janssen can help you explore cost support options. remission can start with stelara®. [computer: a serious error has occurred]
12:12 am
♪ ♪ ♪ let me give ♪yuh-huh. whoo! ♪ ♪ tell myself get up and dance! ♪ ♪ so i move my fee♪. ♪ i love all of me. ♪ 50 cent school supplies, all season long. ♪ whoo! ♪ hundred roads named "park" in the u.s. it's america's most popular street name. but allstate agents know that's where the similarity stops. if you're on park street in reno, nevada, the high winds of the washoe zephyr could damage your siding. and that's very different than living on park ave in sheboygan, wisconsin, where ice dams could cause water damage. but no matter what park you live on, one of 10,000 local allstate agents knows yours. now that you know the truth,
12:13 am
are you in good hands?
12:14 am
>> jimmy: jim gaffigan is here. oh jim, so your comedy special is called "noble ape," on the comedy dynamics network. is that a real thing? >> i think -- no, i don't think so. >> jimmy: what that is?
12:15 am
>> it's comedy dynamics, it's this company -- you know, you do a special and there's different distributions, there's netflix, there's hbo, there's comedy central. comedy dynamics is this guy, this friend who started this -- he goes, let me distribute it, i'll have it -- he calls it comedy dynamics network, but it's really just everywhere you rent or buy things. it's available in itunes, x-box, amazon -- he's trying to build the name. >> jimmy: at your expense. this is the album right here. it's also -- you put the audio from your television comedy special on a vinyl. is this vinyl? >> it's interesting. this is vinyl. vinyl is so popular now. >> jimmy: it is. >> it's amazing. it's come back. because we're in this digital age, i think people want -- >> jimmy: i'd love to have a comedy album in vinyl. that reminds me of my youth. >> you get a download also. >> jimmy: you get the vinyl and not listen to it ever, is that how it works? >> i think that's it.
12:16 am
my wife had this, shaped like a pear -- >> jimmy: i'm sorry i didn't mention, how is your wife? >> she's doing great. wouldn't it be ironic if i said, she died? >> jimmy: it would be worse than ironic, it would be horrible. >> back to my album. >> jimmy: we'd have to take "the noble" off, it would be just "ape." >> no, she's doing amazing. by the way, i don't want to take it for granted because, you know, we are the beneficiary of miracles. it's truly a miracle -- >> jimmy: the doctors -- >> i mean, she had a tumor the size of a pear removed from her head. you know what i mean? it's insane. and the medical science, you know, really saved her life. so i'm very grateful for it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the family right here, right? >> this is some of -- these are my kids. i don't know their names. then the album, barry blankenship designed this, genius. the other one has my head.
12:17 am
there's an album -- >> jimmy: so people can buy two sets of these. >> the other one has a bald spot. >> jimmy: all right. >> that's my signature piece. my bald spot. >> jimmy: your wife is doing well now? >> she's doing great. >> jimmy: she's your partner? >> we do everything. >> jimmy: besides your lover partner -- >> she is. you're married to a funny, brilliant woman. i'm married to a funny, brilliant woman. it's amazing. there was a scary time there. you know, i was going to lose my wife. the mother of my children. and more importantly, my writing partner. [ laughter ] i'm joking. i'm joking. but it was scary. >> jimmy: is it hard to make jokes about that subject when you're in the thick of it? >> well, yeah, in the thick of it, i couldn't. you know? but once we kind of got through the woods -- i mean, my wife is just -- you know, we kind of think in a comedy sense. i'm sure it's the same with you guys. it's like my wife was in an mri for 2 1/2 hours. she came out and i was kind of
12:18 am
waiting and she was like, "write down these ideas i have on mris." and i was like, uh, okay. she's always thinking of things. >> jimmy: that's great. that's good. that is what she should have been thinking about at that time. >> it's just -- comedy is a great way to distract and organize your thoughts around severe events. when i was touring with "noble ape," obviously people don't have loved ones that have brain tumors, necessarily, but we all have that medical crisis. we all share those couple of weeks in a hospital where you're just lost and staring and looking at how filthy and disgusting hospitals are. you know what i mean? we all share that. >> jimmy: some of them are, yeah, for sure. it's very funny the stuff that you talk about on the special when it comes to that. i also read this, it sounds wrong to me. i want to run it by you. is it true that over the course of the next two years you are in 13 movies that are coming out? >> it's absurd. but it is true. >> jimmy: 13.
12:19 am
>> but some of it is -- movies, you know -- they shoot -- some of them are animated. >> jimmy: right. >> so i did some voice-over -- >> jimmy: "hotel transylvania 3." >> like from the early '60s, you know what i mean? some of them are just -- they just end up coming out during this 13-month period. but some of them i'm shooting now. but yeah, so "hotel transylvania 3," very exciting. i brought my kids to a theater, we watched it. it was the first time that my 5-year-old kind of understood what i did. >> jimmy: oh. >> he was looking at the screen, he was like, so that's what you do? and it was the first time he was ever impressed by me. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> prior to that i was just this guy that ate most of the food at the dinner table. but he was like, yeah, i guess you're worth it. you do something. >> well, that's what it's all about, right? well, this is the -- i got a lot of stuff here. it's called "noble ape." get it on -- first find the comedy dynamics network. then watch jim gaffigan's special "noble ape."
12:20 am
jim gaffigan, everybody! be right back with antonio brown. at at&t innovations, we give you more for your thing. here we're adding tv and movies from our unlimited plan to the powerful new samsung galaxy note9. the perfect device for entertainment & productivity. so, it's essentially the ed helms of devices? how so? well he's both very entertaining and very productive. you think? yeah, i do. and that's my completely unbiased opinion. buy a galaxy note9 and get one free. more for your thing. that's our thing. with our largest variety of crab all year! like new crabfest combo. your one chance to have new jumbo snow crab with tender dungeness crab. or try crab lover's dream. but hurry in. 'cause crabfest ends september 2nd. it's the ford summer sales event and now is the best time to buy. you ready for this, junior? yeah, i think i can handle it.
12:21 am
no pressure... ...that's just my favorite boat. boom. (laughs) make summer go right with ford, america's best-selling brand. and get our best deal of the summer: zero percent financing for sixty months on f-150. get zero percent financing for 60 months- plus $2,800 bonus cash on a 2018 f-150 xlt equipped with 2.7l ecoboost. ( ♪ ) stop dancing around the pain that's keeping you awake. advil pm gives tossing and turning a rest and silences aches and pains. fall asleep faster, stay asleep longer with advil pm. hey, this one looks like a chameleon. hmm, i don't see it. oh, it's on! ( ♪ )
12:22 am
oh, now i see it. stylish. why shop marshalls? (engine revving) because shopping should thrill you. (horn honking)
12:23 am
with big brands at small prices. mwah! (laughing) for the whole family! whoo-hoo! woman: and unexpected finds you never knew you were looking for. so every trip feels like an instant victory. that's the fun of marshalls. (gasp) with brands that wow and prices that thrill, marshalls is never boring and always surprising. (horn honking) andyou pay in grit.ng. you pay in dedication. so we lowered and locked in our tuition because you pay enough already.
12:24 am
12:25 am
>> jimmy: hi there, welcome back to the show. imagine dragons is on the way. our next guest went from being the 195th pick in the 2010 nfl draft to the best wide receiver in football. if you don't believe that, just ask him. he's a four-time all-pro, a former dancing star and now, the face of "madden nfl '19" which becomes available on august 10th. from the pittsburgh steelers, please welcome antonio brown. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: you brought two tiny people with you here. how old are the kids?
12:26 am
>> my son tonomy is 4, ollie is 3. >> jimmy: 3 and 4 years old, wow. you guys are here for the espys, right? did the kids go to the espys with you? >> they want to the espys. >> jimmy: do they like it or too young to understand what's going on? they're watching themselves on tv right now. wow, look at those haircuts. boy did i look like a nerd when i was your age. i didn't have a cool haircut like that. you guys have the same haircut, don't you? >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, did they want daddy's haircut? or did you decide they should have daddy's haircut? >> i decided. >> jimmy: you decided, okay. they don't have the facial hair, though, maybe we could get a sharpie and put some of that on. how are you doing? everything all right? >> doing really well. >> jimmy: that is some necklace you have there. what's going on with that necklace? >> it's a birthday present to myself. >> jimmy: wow. that is the size of a peanut
12:27 am
butter and jelly sandwich. how much does a necklace like that cost? be honest. >> it depends. i kind of already had that, the necklace, just added the diamonds to the piece. >> jimmy: what's the total value? >> top secret. >> jimmy: hey, boys, daddy spent all your college money on a necklace! >> i got the college funds. >> jimmy: how many kids do you have? >> five. >> jimmy: oh, five. are the other kids going to be jealous they didn't get to come? >> yeah. >> jimmy: they are, yeah. by the way, i do have a bone to pick with you. i don't want to start on a negative note. i bet $1,000 on you to win "dancing with the stars." >> i know. i really appreciate you supporting me in that, too. >> jimmy: yeah, but i would have appreciated if you supported me. [ laughter ] you did not win, you lost. and then i, in turn, lost $1,000. >> i got you after the show. >> jimmy: you do, really. maybe i'll pick one little diamond off of that necklace. [ laughter ] [ applause ] then i think we would be square. was that a fun experience doing that? >> oh, that was super exciting.
12:28 am
>> jimmy: did you care about losing or was it like, oh, who cares really? it's just dancing. >> you never want to lose. going against a guy like that, you know. >> jimmy: look at these two nuts wrestling with each other. you know, we don't usually have guests fight with each other, kids. first of all, for people who don't follow football, being on the cover of "madden" is like a great honor. it's like a big deal, right? [ cheers and applause ] but it's also a top secret thing. how long before the announcement did you know that you were going to be on the cover? >> i knew since february that i was going to be on the cover. >> jimmy: okay. and then about a month before the announcement, your father posted this on instagram. he wrote, the look when your son is on the cover of 2019 madden, god is good. he did this well before it was supposed to be announced, right? >> yeah.
12:29 am
>> jimmy: and so then do you -- what happens? do you call him right away? >> call him right away like, what are you doing? >> jimmy: yeah. did he have any idea that it was supposed to be secret? >> he knew. >> jimmy: he knew it was supposed to be secret and he didn't care, he did it anyway. >> he wanted to be the first one. >> jimmy: and what did the people at madden say about that? >> just hit him up. >> jimmy: i guess it doesn't matter. because they don't put you on twice anyway, right? >> yeah, you only get one time. >> jimmy: you also have the distinction of being the only player ever to appear without a helmet on. was that your decision? >> obviously, right? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: a smart decision. did you think about that beforehand? i don't want to be on with a helmet? >> i really didn't know. i did the shoot, we did shots with the helmet, without. i think it's really cool to be on there without the helmet. obviously football players wear a helmet. get a chance for people -- >> jimmy: you don't need to wear a helmet, it's not like someone's tackling you during the photo shoot. last night at the espys you were
12:30 am
nominated for best football player. do they tell you beforehand if you're going to win? >> no. >> jimmy: you don't tell you. were you upset you didn't win? >> no, there's always next year. >> jimmy: who did win? >> tom brady. >> jimmy: tom brady. were you happy for him to finally win something? [ laughter ] >> he wins it all. >> jimmy: this is a video game, it's called "madden nfl '19," it comes out august 10th. antonio brown and his sons, everybody. we'll be right back with imagine dragons! >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. the best or nothing.
12:31 am
a magical place...
12:32 am
that's lookin' to get scared! (laughter) halloween time is back in disneyland and disney california adventure parks! >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i want to thank jim gaffigan, jon stewart, antonio brown, his kids. apologies to matt damon, we ran out of time for him. here with their big new single "natural," from fabulous las vegas, imagine dragons!
12:33 am
♪ ♪ will you hold the line when every one of them has given up and given in ♪ ♪ tell me in this house of mine nothing ever comes without a consequence or cost tell me ♪ ♪ will the stars align will heaven step in will it save us from our sin will it ♪ ♪ cause this house of mine stands strong that's the price you pay leave behind your heart and cast away ♪ ♪ just another product of today rather be the hunter than the prey ♪ ♪ and you are standing on the edge face up cause you're a natural a beating heart of stone ♪ ♪ you gotta be so cold
12:34 am
to make it in this world ♪ ♪ yeah you're a natural living your life cutthroat you gotta be so cold yeah you're a natural ♪ ♪ will somebody let me see the light within the dark trees shadowing what's happening ♪ ♪ looking through the glass find the wrong within the past ♪ ♪ knowing we are youth cut until it bleeds inside a world without the peace face it ♪ ♪ a bit of the truth the truth ♪ ♪ that's the price you pay leave behind your heart and cast away ♪ ♪ just another product of today rather be the hunter than the prey ♪ ♪ and you are standing on the edge face up cause you're a natural a beating heart of stone ♪ ♪ you gotta be so cold to make it in this world ♪
12:35 am
♪ yeah you're a natural living your life cutthroat you gotta be so cold yeah you're a natural ♪ ♪ deep inside me i'm fading to black i'm fading ♪ ♪ took an oath by the blood of my hand won't break it ♪ ♪ i can taste it the end is upon us i swear gonna make it i'm gonna make it ♪ ♪ natural a beating heart of stone you gotta be so cold to make it in this world ♪ ♪ yeah you're a natural living your life cutthroat you gotta be so cold yeah you're a natural ♪ ♪ ♪
12:36 am
♪ ♪ natural yeah a natural ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
12:37 am
this is "nightline." >> tonight, on dangerous ground. inside afghanistan and the explosive front lines of america's longest war. our team with rare access. >> the troops have just moved into a whole series of compounds, in other words houses, they're trying to clear -- >> under constant thread of ieds. >> how many ieds are out there? >> untold number. >> face-to-face with the taliban at one of the most infamous prisons on the planet. a young girl caught in the center of it fighting for the future of her country. god is a woman. ♪ god is a woman >> the everything on the table conversation with ariana grande and michael strahan and her

223 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on