us. jimmy kimmel live with christina aguilera. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! top night, christina aguilera. from summer '03, paul scheer. plus slash featuring myles kennedy and the conspirators. and now, on top of all that, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. hi. welcome. very nice. thank you. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. that's very nice. i have to say -- i'm encouraged that you're in a good mood. because not everyone is. i don't know if you saw this but

there's a new study from gallup, the poll people, that says last year, 2017, was the most miserable year on record. [ lone clapper ] [ laughter ] according to what's known as the global emotions report, an annual study of people all over the globe, since they started keeping track in 2005, last year was the world's most negative year. who is to blame for that? young sheldon, they say. [ laughter ] before him everything -- no. the poll said in the last year collectively the world was more stressed, more worried, sadder, and more in pain than ever. this is maybe the first time i can think of where trump would be right to take all the credit for something. [ laughter ] now to add to the misery we have another hurricane on the way, hurricane florence making her way toward the east coast. waves up to 83 feet high have been measured. our president wants us to know he is ready. yesterday trump made the

astonishing claim that his team's response to hurricane maria in puerto rico, where almost 3,000 lives were lost, was quote an incredible unsung success. 6:50 a.m. this morning he wrote, we got a-pluses for our recent hurricane work in texas and florida and did an unappreciated great job in puerto rico even though an inaccessible island, puerto rico by the way, with very poor electricity and a totally incompetent mayor of san juan. he really does have a unique ability to make anything and everything about him. i mean, it's remarkable. and he is ready for hurricane florence. ever since he got the call from the national weather service, he's been warming up in the bullpen throwing roll after roll of paper towels. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] of course this is a serious thing. the best way to avoid the wrath of a hurricane is to get out of the path of a hurricane. so this afternoon the president made a video urging those in virginia and the carolinas to do

just that. >> bad things can happen when you're talking about a storm this size. it's called mother nature. you never know, but we know. we love you all. we want you safe. get out of the storm's way. be ready, and god be with you. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow, that's what he looks like in the morning. that's some storm. the president has another storm brewing, this one on the economic front. more than 80 trade associations representing thousands of american businesses and workers announced that they're forming a coalition called americans for free trade to launch a multi-million dollar campaign against tariffs. these tariffs the president is so fond of imposing on other countries. but trump says, he says it over and over again, we will put america and american workers first. >> we will follow two simpl rules. buy american, and hire american. we will put rules in place that

hire american workers first. we are going to hire americans first. we will hire american. they have to hire americans. hire american. hire american. hire american. hire american. we will hire american. hire american. ♪ >> jimmy: that sounds good, right? i think everyone agrees with that. guess what, the trump organization, his company, just filed paperwork with the department of labor requesting permission to hire 37 foreign workers for his winter season at the miami beach resort he owns. in july you may recall they filed to hire 78 foreign workers at mar-a-lago, his golf club in florida. and that doesn't even include the 15 russian spies he has working in the i.t. department. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] but still.

he just does this and keeps saying, hire american, even though he doesn't -- it's almost like he doesn't mean anything he says. [ laughter ] hey, this is a very trumpy story. an equally mind-boggling story out of portland, oregon, where a novelist has been charged with murdering her husband. what makes the story notable is the fact that the woman, the suspect, wrote and published an essay that was titled "how to murder your husband." [ laughter ] and i don't want to blame the victim here. [ laughter ] but how many red flag dozen you need? the woman's name is nancy cram ton brophy, this is her mugshot. in her defense, the first rule of literature is write what you know. [ laughter ] is that a crime? oh, it is, okay. [ applause ] we are now, i don't know if you've thought about this, we're only two weeks away from a new season of "dancing with the stars." i know, i'm excited too. [ laughter ] and this morning on gma they

revealed the new cast for season 285, whatever it is. so this season the roster includes former nfl player demarcus ware, singer tenasha, olympic goldwyner mary lou retten, bo duke from the dukes of hazard, john snyder, and this surprise last-minute addition to the dance card. that's right, british prime minister theresa may will be competing in the "dancing with the stars." [ cheers and applause ] i wish she was. to be honest, that happened over vacation, we've been looking for a way to work that clip in. [ laughter ] and not only is "dancing with the stars" season imminent, apparently the holiday season is imminent too. this is out rage just. my wife got this e-mail from crate and barrel last week. first look christmas arrivals. it may still be summer but when christmas things arrive, we can't keep them to ourselves. well, you know what, you should.

because this is unacceptable. you expect this kind of nonsense from crate, not barrel, though. [ laughter ] barrel should know better. the only reason you would need to prepare this early for christmas is if you're planning to grow your own tree. [ laughter ] otherwise we can wait awhile. speaking of trees, amazon has a new thing going. amazon is going to sell christmas trees this the year. live 7-foot christmas trees will be available this holiday season. it's not enough that amazon's putting every store out of business, now they're going after the vacant stores' parking lots too. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i don't know, it doesn't feel right. it's like the three wise men sharing an uber pool to visit the baby jesus. [ laughter ] when i was a kid i have vivid memories of driving to the christmas tree lot, my parents would fight the whole way there, we'd use like an extension cord to tie it to the top of the station wagon, we get it home,

half the needles would be off the tree and on the floor, the tree wouldn't fit, it would be bent against the ceiling, my dad would have to get a saw, he'd get a blister, she's saw the tree and humiliate him. i'd try to untangle a giant knot of bulbs that didn't work. my kids' memory would be, i clicked buy now and the next day it showed up at the house. [ cheers and applause ] i feel like i'm cheating them. sbraum really is something. they aren't stopping at trees. amazon is now offering what promises to be the most personalized delivery of all. >> first there was amazon. then amazon prime. then amazon fresh. now amazon is proud to introduce our newest, most personal delivery service yet. amazon special delivery. let amazon send a trained delivery technician to your home to deliver your child, right at your front door. >> push, push!

i see the head! you're doing great! whoa! whoa! congratulations. his name is jeff bezos. awesome. sign here. >> amazon. never, ever leave your house again. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: in other technology news, today was apple day. apple had one of their big announcements today. they announced three new iphones which have larger and ultra-high resolution screens that apple promises will be the most expensive screens you ever have to replace when you drop your phone on the sidewalk. the new phones are called the i phone xr, iphone xs, and iphone xmax. at this point they're adding letters and charging you more. max is the most expensive ever, it costs $1,099. sounds like a lot of money but when you consider this item will

mean more to you than all your family and friends combined? [ laughter ] apple announced new versions of the apple -- still, when i see people wearing an apple watch, oh, you're wearing an apple watch in the same way i would approach a man who has a parrot on his shoulder. [ laughter ] this is great. have you read this new "gq" interview with paul mccartney? in which he says if he and fellow band mate john lennon from the beatles played with themselves together in a nonmusical way. according to paul mccartney, when they were young, he and john lennon sat in the dark with a group of friends masturbating. [ laughter ] and the fuel that they used to do it was, they would shout out the names of attractive women. like bridget bardo, they would yell out. what a sad time that was before we had the world wine web, you know? i mean, that is desperation.

[ scattered applause ] you know what, there are a thousand very immature puns one could make on this subject. i will say it's hard to top today's headline from the "new york post" which was on my desk. [ laughter ] yeah. beat the beatles. i just want to say, well done. the world is on fire, we got beat the meatles. [ laughter ] i think i finally now understand why yoko didn't want john to be in the group anymore. [ laughter ] here's something that has nothing to do with anything. what do you do when someone tells you you have a bug on you? a lot of people flip out, right? which is fun. and we love fun. we went on the streets this afternoon, we told people we were talking to under false pretenses, we just said, you have a bug on you. and this is how that went. >> do you know about the bird scooters? >> yeah, the electric scoot things yeah.

>> what do you think about them? >> we went along for the first one the other day, they were so much fun. >> sorry, you have a rang big bug on you. >> oh, oh, oh, oh -- >> for me it was good, i wanted to do when it we were in santa monica -- >> oh my god, there's a bug that just landed you. >> ahh! where is it? >> yeah, i heard about them, yeah, the ones you rent and just like you ride them around -- >> oh my god, there's a huge bug in your hair. >> where's the bug? >> like a beetle. >> are you serious? >> no. yeah. it's like -- -- >> are you being serious? >> yeah, yeah. >> oh my gosh, oh my gosh, where? >> i wouldn't ride one personally -- >> there's a huge bug that just landed you. >> ahh, ahh! is it gone?

>> no. >> the scooters -- >> they're so cool, i see them all over the city -- >> ahh, there's a huge bug! >> ahh, ahh, ahh! >> sorry, i don't know -- >> does that seem like something you would use? >> i think it's awesome -- >> oh my god, there's a huge pug that just landed you. it's like in your hair, like right there. i feel like it's stuck. >> get it! >> they're dangerous because you can break your neck. they're dangerous. >> oh my god, there's a huge beetle in your hair. >> oh, no, no, no, no, no! >> yes. go like this. >> it's going to mess up -- it's going to mess up -- wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. o itagn.no, no. it's like on this side. >> is it gone? is it gone? >> give me the -- >> is it gone?

is it gone? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks, everybody. we had fun. tonight on the show music from slash featuring myles kennedy and the conspirators. paul scheer is here. we'll be right back with christina aguilera! hey, what do you guys wanna listen to? ooh, hip-hop! reggaeton. edm. what about bubble trance? bubble what?

bubble trance. it's a thing. (man) oh. my point is, everyone's got different taste. that's why verizon lets you mix and match your family unlimited plan so everyone gets the plan they want, without paying for things they don't. and right now, the whole family can get six months of free apple music on verizon. oh. so let's play that reggaeton. old school reggaeton, not the new stuff. (vo) get 45 million songs with six months free apple music on us. only on verizon. switch now and get a free samsung galaxy j3 v. you're in the business of helping people. we're in the business of helping you. business funding to help make a difference. another way we have your back. the powerful backing of american express. don't do business without it. we hide hotel names, so you can find four star hotels at two star prices. h-o-t-w-i-r-e (e-e-e-e)

( ♪ ) stop dancing around the pain that's keeping you awake. advil pm gives tossing and turning a rest and silences aches and pains. fall asleep faster, stay asleep longer with advil pm. i hi was a little lonelycity fall asleep faster, stay asleep longer i said 'yeah, why not? you know, i'll just go and see what happens.' we've been inseparable ever since adopt love at our national adoption event, this weekend at your local petsmart®. doespeninsula trail?he you won't find that on a map. i'll take you there. take this left. if you listen real hard you can hear the whales.

oop. you hear that? (vo) our subaru outback lets us see the world. sometimes in ways we never imagined. this is customizable str...whatever size.r family. it's saving money with flexible channel packs. live tv and the latest shows to stream. and all your streaming apps in one place - even netflix.

this is how xfinity makes life. simple. easy. awesome. get started with xfinity internet and tv for just $34.99 a month for 12 months and customize by adding flexible channel packs. click, call or visit a store today. >> is it gone? >> jimmy: hi there, welcome back to the show. tonight from the new movie "summer'03, pl heer is here with us. the album is called "living the dream," slash featuring myles kennedy and the conspirators. tomorrow night, who's here?

cate blanchett and ben mendelsohn, music from the chain smokers with emily horn so please join us tomorrow night too. our first guest tonight went from being a genie in a bottle to a talent show judge in a rotating chair, she has six grammy awards and is headed out in her first concert tour in over a decade, the "liberation" tour starts september 25th in hollywood, florida. please welcome christina aguilera! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how's life? >> it's awesome. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very good to see you. well, that's what you have to expect in, what, less than two weeks when your tour starts. >> i know, i'm so excited.

>> jimmy: this is your first, as i mentioned in the intro, that you haven't been on tour for more than ten years. >> isn't it -- i'm -- yeah the last time i was on tour, i was actually pregnant at the same time with my now 10-year-old son. so it's crazy. but -- >> jimmy: wow, that is crazy. >> once a genie in a bottle to then a judge in a rotating chair -- >> jimmy: yes, that's right. >> you know. yeah. >> jimmy: thank you for remembering that. >> yeah, five seconds, i have a great memory. >> jimmy: is it going to be weird now going on tour with -- are your kids coming on your tour with you? >> my son, you know -- he's older. >> jimmy: he's in school. >> it's important that he's in school. but his dad is great. he's going to hold down the fort here in l.a. i actually was in that rotating chair for so long because i was so afraid of touring with children. routine is very important and we're very hands-on, mama bear, i don't want to break this up, how do people do this on tour? which a lot of moms do it but

i'm like, oh my god, how do i do this? >> jimmy: did you talk to moms who do this and get advice from anyone? >> i haven't yet. everyone has their own thing. everyone is like -- some were in rock bands, other people have kids on tour and things, so it's a working thing. i'm a solo artist -- i don't know, i still have yet to figure this out. >> jimmy: oh. [ laughter ] >> so i'm nervous. >> jimmy: don't worry, you've got two weeks to figure it out. [ laughter ] >> i know, i know! >> jimmy: and in the meantime you're also probably rehearsing and doing all that stuff, right? >> i am, i am. but my daughter, who just turned 4, she is just -- she's like my little -- she's going to be my road dog. >> jimmy: is she. >> she has my back. and she like -- i was expecting her -- she wanted to come to work with me yesterday. sometimes she's like, no, mom, go ahead, i'm good, i'm going to stay home and play with my paw patrols, i'm really good. >> jimmy: yeah. >> yesterday she came with me to rehearsal and i was like, okay, it's going to be really loud for her with the band and everything. and she had her little, you

know, paw patrol headphones on the whole time, coloring, playing with her lookout tower. >> jimmy: we have the lookout tower. do you ever sing along with the paw patrol song? >> everybody, everybody. >> jimmy: you should record the "paw patrol" theme song. >> the whole thing, i know all the people. >> jimmy: right now this "paw patrol" theme song will make you want to jump off a bridge, by the end of it i need to make a kid easy album of the paw patrol, pj mask, puppy dog pals, all of it. yeah, maybe it's like the mama tour. but no, she like -- she was so great. she was like, you know, playing hide-and-seek all over the place. the loudness didn't affect her. she was just so awesome. and at a certain point, you know, she was just like, you know, she was so concerned with what i was doing. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it was so cute. we were doing the dance rehearsal portion of the show. and so, you know -- so that i

don't have to king live. >> jimmy: right. >> so i had like my little fake mike in my hand. and she was very confused because she knows i use a microphone. and she was like, well, wait, where's mama's microwave, i don't understand. [ laughter ] aren't you going to give her her microwave? i'm like, oh my gosh, she's so cute. she's got my back. >> jimmy: or maybe she wanted to heat up a burrito, it could have been that. [ laughter ] >> i don't know, i don't know. >> jimmy: will you be doing hits from the span of your career on this tour? >> i will, i will, i will. [ cheers and applause ] it's been so -- it's been too long. it's been too long. i'm so excited. >> jimmy: how did you know you were famous, when you became a famous person? >> i've been doing this since i was, well, 7. performing. i mean, i look at my kids now and i'm like, oh my god. like i was performing when i was your age. >> jimmy: do you think it would have been different if at that time there was instagram, snapchat, these social media platforms? do you think that would have

been a good thing or a bad thing for you? >> when i was first coming out with "genie" and "what a girl wants," i came from an era where privacy was a good thing and a cool thing to have mystique and mystery about yourself. >> jimmy: right. >> but no, i actually think there is a plus side. i've learned a lot about social media because at first i was like, is this all there is? it's so vain. the selfie thing? it's a little boring. but you can use it to your advantage. and it's a way to connect to your fans. and i do get that. and it's great. and it's a plat tomorrow you can use to express yourself in your own way. and it squashes beefs too. >> jimmy: it does? >> i've never seen women and people more -- yeah like they come together now more. and i'm like, yeah, if this was back in the day whenever people were comparing me to other artists and things were happening, i was like i would have just loved to squash it before, you know, having an interview. >> jimmy: which beefs would you have liked to have squashed? on instagram? [ laughter ]

[ cheers ] >> well, you know. you do an interview, back then it was like the media was the storyteller for you. >> jimmy: right, you had to go -- >> you had no say. this is what it is, here's a picture of us here and now hanging out in pajamas eating popcorn or whatever. >> jimmy: you're saying there were instances where people believed there was an issue between you and someone else when there wasn't an issue? >> when i was coming up it was very obvious. me and britney were definitely -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: right, britney, christina, a considered rivalry thing. yeah, if we had social media back then we would have probably done like a song together or something. just like squashed -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's probably not too late for that. >> it's probably not too late. >> jimmy: you guys should do a song together, is that something that you would -- do you ever talk to britney spears? >> you know -- hey, i'm down. >> jimmy: why don't you use social media to reach out. [ laughter ] tweet to her or something like

that. or whatever it is. whatever the popular thing is now to do. because i would love to be a part of it. [ laughter ] like i really would like to be a part. >> if her reps say okay and, you know. >> jimmy: yeah, okay, good, all right. speaking of beefs, now that i think about it, when cardi b. and nicki minaj got in a fight -- >> ha ha ha! >> jimmy: which i don't know that social media is helping that relationship. well, let's take a break. it was your show they were at. when you were on stage when this happened. >> i sure was. >> jimmy: we're going to find out -- we're going to go really, really deep with christina aguilera, who goes on tour starting september 25th after this. ♪ take us downtown, waze. waze integration- seamlessly connecting the world inside...

torld out. making life a little... easier. introducing the well-connected lincoln mkc.

>> jimmy: hi there, we're back. christina aguilera, who's going on tour at the end of this month starting in hollywood, florida. so you were about to tell us everything that happened with cardi b. and nicki minaj. did you see the fight from where you were? >> i wish. >> jimmy: you did not. >> i was seeing this juiciness go down, i didn't know, because i'm so like -- i'm so that person that's like, what's going on?

what happened? >> jimmy: how did you find out wit? >> when i got offstage, it took awhile, actually, for me to actually find out. we got offstage. i didn't feel there was any -- we went to a hotel room where i could change. you know. decompose -- destress, whatever. >> jimmy: decompose, what? [ laughter ] >> i mean, like, you know. take the sweat off, you know. >> jimmy: gotcha. >> dry myself off, take my corset off, blah, blah, blah. next thing i hear shoes were flying. >> jimmy: right. >> there were people -- i don't even know. my hairdresser was like, i think you're going to be interested in something that happened. >> jimmy: oh, the hairdresser. >> i'm like, what happened? then i'm like -- >> jimmy: did you go on and watch? what song did it happen during? do you know? >> then i heard like -- i heard like there was a fight that went down like during -- first i heard it was "fighter."

my song "fighter." which is so appropriate. i was like, oh my god, that's genius! [ laughter ] i'm like, yes, my music -- >> jimmy: inspiring people. >> yes, it's invoking passion and emotion, yes! and then i was like -- then i heard it was like during "genie in a bottle." then i was like, what is going on? i do a migos version, so oh, cardi got excited with that. [ laughter ] so it was just like -- >> jimmy: you did not discuss it with either of them afterwards? >> no, they were gone, the whole thing was done, the whole thing. >> jimmy: no one apologized for causing a commotion during your set? >> you know what, i was thinking probably people would think i would be upset that this happened at my show, whatever. i was just like, oh my god, i'm sad i didn't get a front-row seat, that's where the real show was, i'm like, damn. >> jimmy: do people ever fight at your shows and can you see that happening when they do? >> again, i've heard that that's happened, like one time i guess i heard that a fight had gone

down touring my song "hurt." which is like a beautiful ballad with strings and whatnot. i'm like, how did that even go down during a beautiful ballad? i'm like -- ♪ will you hold me in my arms and why is that happening? [ cheers and applause ] thank you. but i'm just like -- >> jimmy: people are holding each other in their arms. >> get out of my way! i don't know how that happens. but i've almost gotten taken down on stage. >> jimmy: is that right? by crazed fans that kind thing? >> by somebody that was like -- i think there was a rumor or something that happened. and i had like somebody rush the stage, like some -- he was going to literally take me down. but he was intercepted. everything was fine. but stuff happens. >> jimmy: stuff does happen. >> stuff goes down. >> jimmy: your album which came out a few months ago, a couple of the tracks are produced by kanye west. >> right. >> jimmy: how did it come to pass that you guys started working together? >> i've always been a huge fan of his music.

i think he's a musical genius. i think he makes music so -- rrr, like just so passionately. >> jimmy: you reached out to him? >> it was a management thing, yeah. my manager reached out and i met with him in a studio. and he played me a few tracks that i just fell in love with. one called "maria" that has -- [ cheers ] that has an amazing old michael jackson throwback sample on it. and so, yes, and going into the tour that will be part of the tour along with some old material. [ cheers and applause ] very excited about that. >> jimmy: it's great to have you here. thank you for coming. >> thank you. >> jimmy: the tour starts at the end of this month, goes on for six weeks. september 25th, hollywood, florida. the "liberation" tour. christina aguilera, everybody! we'll be right back. why bother mastering something? why test a hybrid engine for over six million miles? why hand-tune an audio system?

why include the most advanced active safety system in its class, standard? because when you want to create an entirely new feeling, the difference between excellence and mastery, is all the difference in the world. introducing the all-new lexus es. every curve. every innovation. every feeling. a product of mastery. experience amazing at your lexus dealer. a product of mastery. directv gives you more for your thing. if you've been waiting for a sign to quit cable, then here's some signs. ♪ quit cable it came from the toaster. ♪ quit cable uh... ♪ quit cable now you can quit cable. switch to directv for $35 per month.

rated #1 in customer satisfaction over cable. more for you quitting cable thing. that's our thing. call 1.800.directv. your spirit is unbreakable. your phone, not so much. purchase protection can help you replace small things that get damaged along the way. another way we have your back. the powerful backing of american express. don't live life without it. i'm on the pill. i'm on the pill. i'm on the pill, too. but it's not birth control. it's truvada for prep®, a once-daily prescription medicine for adults that when taken every day along with using safer sex practices, can help lower my chances of getting hiv through sex. i use condoms. but i talked to my doctor about doing more. he said that because i had a higher chance of getting hiv through sex,

truvada for prep could be an option for me. she also told me that truvada alone may not keep me from getting hiv. and it does not prevent other stis or pregnancy. you must be hiv-negative to take truvada for prep. so you need to get tested for hiv immediately before, and at least every 3 months, while taking truvada. i wanted to know about all of my prevention options, so i asked my doctor about truvada for prep. if you think you were exposed to hiv or have flu-like symptoms, tell your doctor right away. they may do more tests to confirm you are still hiv negative. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems, kidney failure, and bone problems, which may lead to fractures. rare, life-threatening side effects include a build-up of lactic acid and liver problems. tell your doctor about all the medicines you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney, bone, or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking truvada without talking to your doctor. common side effects include stomach pain, headache, and weight loss. ask your doctor about your risk of getting hiv and if truvada for prep may be right for you.

i wanted to do more. that's why i'm on that pill. truvada for prep. you are many different things in one amazing package. and t.j.maxx lets you express every one. with our unique mix of must-have brands at must-buy prices, you'll always save on something for every you. maxx you. maxx life. t.j.maxx now for the whole family.im jeans with round the clock comfort. ♪ hurry in for jeans on sale for up to forty percent off. ending soon, only at old navy.

>> dicky: it's time for "the hollywood boulevard weirdo of the week." this guy. ♪

congrats, befuddled man. you are "the hollywood boulevard wei weirdo of the week." brought to you by cisco. and t.j.maxx gives you the freedom to express every one. with our unique mix of must-have brands at must-buy prices, you can be active... or totally relaxed. ♪ ♪ you can shop online or take it home today. you'll always save on something for every you. maxx you. maxx life. t.j.maxx we the people, defined by the moments we share with our families and our friends. doing the things we love. we the people are always stronger when we're together.

the 2018 ford expedition the j.d. power highest ranked large suv in initial quality. [vo] hey, now you can for just 69 dollars one-way. sixty-nine. if you think this sale fare is low, you should see what we charge you for two checked bags... or overhead bags... or carryon bags. which means these 69-dollar one-way sale fares stay 69 dollars. and while we don't charge hidden fees, this sale won't last forever. so book your fall travel now at southwest.com. low fares. no hidden fees. that's transfarency. [clap clap ding]

our because of smoking.ital. but we still had to have a cigarette. had to. but then, we were like. what are we doing? the nicodermcq patch helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. nicodermcq. you know why, we know how. uhp. i didn't believe it. again. ♪ ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? ♪ i want to believe it. [ claps hands ] ♪ ooh i'm not hearing the confidence. okay, hold the name your price tool. power of options based on your budget! and! ♪ we'll make heaven a place on earth ♪

yeah! oh, my angels! ♪ ooh, heaven is a place on earth ♪ [ sobs quietly ] ♪ ooh, heaven is a place on earth ♪ when you ache you're not you.pt, tylenol® pm works fast to relieve pain and helps you sleep. we give you a better night, you're a better you all day. tylenol®

i'm an imaginary friend of a kid just like you.ada! you probably have lots of questions. but look, we'll get through this together.

>> jimmy: hi there, welcome back to the show. still to come, slash with myles kennedy and the conspirators. you know our next guest from "veep" and "the league" and every show on vh1 in 2004. "summer of '03" opens in new york and l.a. on september 21st. please say hello to paul scheer! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how's everything? how are you doing? >> i'm doing good. >> jimmy: since the last time you were here on the show, you had two children. >> yeah, i have two. a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old. >> jimmy: are you taking them on tour with you? oh, wait a minute, i'm thinking of christina aguilera. >> i am covering "paw patrol," though. >> jimmy: are you? yeah. both sons, right? >> yeah they're great. they're fun.

i think my style of parenting is kind of like, lying, bribing, bargaining. >> jimmy: in what way? lying, bribing, bargaining? >> we had to run errands. guys, are you ready to go to the coolest place? what, what, disneyland? no -- the dry cleaner! what's that? we're going to get my pants! yeah! i get them so pumped up in the car. they literally are like, dry cleaner, dry cleaner! and they came in and high five the people there. dad, when can i get my pants done? soon, one day if you keep going this way, you could get pants hemmed too. >> jimmy: eventually they're going to learn not to trust anything that you say. >> no. >> jimmy: they're not dumb. >> i'm homing to keep them as dumb as i can for as long as i can. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's the key. >> i do it all the time. >> jimmy: did you go on family vacation with them this summer? >> yes. this is what the difference is. vacation when is you don't have kids. trip is when you have kids.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's exactly right. >> i went on a trip with my kids. >> jimmy: i had that very thought when i was on vacation with my children. >> yes it's not relaxing at all, don't bring a book, there's no down time. the plane is the worst part. >> jimmy: yes. >> i know a week out, i'm like, we're going to get on a plane, it's going to be a long time, there's not that much peppa pig to be watched! what i have done goss around their room, find old toys they haven't played with, wrap them up, put them in my bag. on the airplane i go, guys? i think santa left these at the house and you haven't opened them. and i give them presents and they open it up and like, whoa! they forget they already own it. [ laughter ] it buys like five minutes at a time, a great thing. >> jimmy: what an economical way to bribe your children. >> yeah, i pack like ten of those. i got a good hour of entertainment in there. >> jimmy: so the kids really aren't that bright, yeah. [ laughter ] [ applause ]

>> do not applaud for my dumb kids! >> jimmy: one of our producers said she's going to a wedding in like indianapolis or something like that. she's so excited because there will be no kids on the plane for her. >> oh, yeah. i mean, look. i love traveling without kids. it's amazing. >> jimmy: it is. >> and solitary, no one can get to you for this amount of time. but i did have the worst flight ever recently, or the weirdest flight. >> jimmy: with the kids or without? >> without the kids. i'm going to my seat. i'm on this flight going to orlando, florida. >> jimmy: great. >> red eye. the only people who take red eyes to orlando are water slide texas anythings. water slide emergency, we've got to get there! you know, there's no reason to take a red eye to orlando. but i did. and the i get to my seat and i see this guy. he's like this. in the middle seat. legs out. >> jimmy: great. >> looks like a beefed-up, hairier version of kit harington

from "game of thrones." and i know that i have to sit next to him. he's giving me grief to move his leg. looks me up and down. doesn't like me. >> jimmy: nice. >> i'm like, all right, fine, put on my ear phones. this woman comes, total stranger. i can see him checking her out, mm. he goes, you love life? and she looks at him, like excuse me? i'm like, oh, this is going to be great, i'm going to watch the worst flirt ever. he goes, you love life? she goes, i was just thinking today, i love life. i was like, what? that doesn't work, that's not a line that works! and now i'm worried, like my ear phones are on, i'm going to go to sleep, i need some rest. i kind of go to sleep. and i wake up because i hear sobbing. and i look over. and now this woman and this guy, she's crying. and he's like, look, you have to leave him, you have to be true to yourself! >> jimmy: what? >> live your life!

you're right, you're right! what is going on? trying to go back to sleep. then i feel this thing on my leg. like a thump, thump, like a rhythmic thumping. and i look over, jimmy -- full-on handsex happening. dual hand sex. >> jimmy: between the two of them? >> yes, next to me. i've never been a part of the mile high club but i was mile high adjacent. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: what? >> not a good place to be. it's like the difference between like watching a porno and being on set for a porno. [ laughter ] very different things. and so they're just going at it. and i see it. oh, no, pretend that you're asleep. and i'm frozen. but all i hear is sex noises. and i'm sitting there in my seat, oh my god, oh my god, what should i do? deer in headlights. i don't know. because i don't know, do i go, ahem, and interrupt them? that's going to be super awkward. >> jimmy: yeah. >> or just pretend i'm asleep and get through it? i do need to get some sleep. [ laughter ] or --

>> jimmy: or whisper in his ear, "i know what you're doing." [ laughter ] >> then it becomes a kinky thing, i don't want to do that. >> jimmy: it becomes like the beatles. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow, what did you do? >> so i stood there frozen. and i let the sex noise lull me to sleep like white noise. all right, it's a terrible sound, squishing around. but then i kind of got invested in this couple. two strangers, they met, they're crying, they're hand sexing. and i want to see what happens. i'm getting my bags. i kind of lay back to let them go in front of me. i'm watching them. they don't exchange numbers. he goes to the left, she goes to the right, off into the orlando sunset, that was it. >> jimmy: wow. >> just a beautiful >> jimmy: a beautiful thing. >> i guess that's what happens when you fly overnight to orlando. >> jimmy: it really is the happiest place on earth. tell me about this movie, "summer '03" that you're in.

>> yes. >> jimmy: i saw the year, '03 is too soon to make a movie. but it really isn't, 15 years a. >> it makes you feel old. people were watching "frasier" on dvd, now we watch it on netflix. but no, the movie is based on a true story. the director becca gleason, her grandmother was on her dying bed and she told each member of her family like a secret. and she tells my character that my father that i know to be my father is not actually my dad. and which causes me to kind of freak out and go find my biological dad. and meanwhile my daughter also gets a shocking revelation that's not necessarily disney friendly. >> jimmy: i see. >> she goes off on her journey too. >> jimmy: i see. wow, yeah. there are a lot of things that weren't disney friendly here on this segment tonight. [ laughter ] >> yeah, i just talked about hand second, yeah. >> jimmy: oirld, yeah. it's great to see you. >> great to see you. >> jimmy: paul scheer, everybody.

"summer '03" opens in new york and los angeles september 28th, nationwide october 5th. be right back with slash myles kennedy and the conspirators! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.

>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> thanks to christina aguilera and paul scheer. apologies to matt damon. this is the album, it's called "living the dream." here with the song "driving rain," slash featuring myles kennedy and the conspirators! ♪ ♪ ♪ left her heart in a letter said she'd never been better

my original sin ♪ ♪ she is down once again oh no it's been so long can't remember the ♪ ♪ last time you know it's been so long so i'm on my way i can't see the road ♪ ♪ through the driving rain calling me home ♪ ♪ seems to guide the way so i won't stop now ♪ ♪ to avoid all confusion ♪ she said she's been using oh not again

oh but my fear of losing ♪ ♪ the girl always gets me home cause she knows it's been so long ♪ ♪ still some things will never change i know it's been so long so i'm on my way ♪ ♪ i can't see the road through the driving rain but i won't stop now ♪ ♪ her love is calling me home seems to guide the way so i won't stop now ♪ ♪ she's the dark to light she's never satisfied she always seems to find a reason to hope ♪ ♪ that i'll come

back tonight that i will wrong the rights she pulled my strings ♪ ♪ yet again so here we go ♪ ♪ ♪ i can't see the road through the driving rain but i won't stop now ♪ ♪ her love is calling me home seems to guide the way so i won't stop now i can't see the road ♪

♪ through the driving rain but i won't stop now her love is calling me home ♪ ♪ seems to guide the way so i won't stop now and i won't stop now ♪ ♪ but i won't stop now [ cheers and applause ]

this is "nightline." >> tonight the feel-good story gone viral. now a criminal investigation. >> i hate it came to this. >> the homeless who gave up his last 20 bucks -- >> i was driving down 95 -- and ran out of gas. >> asking what happened to much of his $400,000 windfall? now the couple who raised the money accused of living large defends themselves. plus baby backlash. men often have babies later in life, so why are older moms getting so much flack? model actress bridget nielsen, a mom again at 54, defending her choice. >> a lot of men are easily in their 50s, 60s,