thanks for joining us. on jimmy kimmel live, ellen. >> see you tomorrow. "jimmy kimmel live" presented by tonight -- ellen degeneres. comedian pete holmes. and music from cole swindell. and now, jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: thank you all for

coming. you know, the, the holidays are upon us. chas compa christmas is two weeks we have a 4-year-old daughter and a son who's a year and a half old, and trying to get them to sit still and smile and look vaguely in our direction at the same time is like trying to put a wet suit onto a monkey and a baby pig. it's impossible. i took no less than 400 photographs. i made faces, i jumped around. i issued threats. i said you're going to pay for your own college if you don't look here and smile. you can't even jingle your keys anymore, because you can't jingle a fob. and we went the whole morning saturday, two hours, didn't get one usable shot.

i think i got it. i went back to the computer. i did not get it, not one. instead, we got this, that's closest, a wrestling shot. and we got this. and we got this, too. and eventually, we gave up. we'll take pictures of someone else's kids. instead of sending people pictures of our kids this year, we're going to send them pictures of oour kids. they have an app that vomits, but you can't get an app that makes them smile. maybe we should go back to the way our great grandparents took photos. it's no smiling. everyone staring straight ahead, hoping santa brings them the polio vaccine. look at that doll, by the way, you will not find that on amazon. president trump had a hell of a photo op this weekend.

he had the honor of tossing the coin at the army/navy football game. and what a toss of the coin it was. >> mr. president, would you do us the honor it is tails. >> jimmy: yes. it didn't even flip, unlike michael cohen and paul manafort, the coin did not flip at all. let's look at that again in slow motion if we can. you see here, he just kind of, it's like a jump ball, he threw it up. his motion was almost that of a magician releasing doves into the stadium. and yes. [cheers and applause] the white house right now so going through yet another big shakeup. the president this weekend nominated william p.

his next attorney general. i figured he nominated roseanne. john kelly is outs after the end of the year. he's leaving to not spend more time with trump's family. the president's having a hard time finding someone to replace him. it's a high-profile job. it's like hosting the oscars. maybe kevin hart should be chief of staff. because it's a tough situation. how do you convince a rat to jump onto a sinking ship. it's against their nature. first choice to replace kelly turned it down. he's not even looking for a third chief of staff. it's time to play hypocritical trump tweet from the past. back to 2012 when he wrote, three chiefs of staff, wrong, probably why president obama can't manage to pass his agenda. there really is a tweet for every situation. and if you're wondering what

trump is like as a boss, rex tillerson gave this candid assessment of his time as secretary of state. >> i had never met donald trump until the day he asked me to be secretary of state. it was challenging for me, coming from the disciplined, highly-process oriented exxonmobil corporation to go to work for a man who's pretty up -- undisciplined. doesn't like to read briefing reports but rather says look, this is what i believe, and you can try to convince me otherwise, but most of the time you're not going to do that. >> that doesn't sound like trump at all, does it? then of course the president lashed out at tillerson on twitter. in response he wrote mike pompeo, tillerson's replacement, is doing a great job. i am very proud of him.

his predecessor, rex tillerson didn't have the mental capacity needed. he was dumb as a rock. couldn't get rid of him fast enough. here's what he said about rex tillerson when he was trying to hire him. whether i choose him or not he is a world class player and deal maker. i've chosen one of the truly great business leaders of the world, rex tillerson, to be secretary of state. but now he's dumb and lazy as hell. speaking of lazy as hell, this was trump's official schedule today. here it is 12:30, the president has lunch with the vice president. closed press. why is that is correct of all the white house events, there's nothing i'd like more than to see mike pence hand-feeding french fries to president trump. but he was up tweeting about the russia investigation. robert mueller released a sentencing memo for michael

cohen and then alleges the president directed cohen to make two illegal hush money payments to keep karen stormy daniels quiet. no smocking gun. there was no collusion. so now the dems go to a simple project transaction, wrongly call it a campaign contribution, dot, dot, dot. and we wait 14 minutes, which i guess he went out and took a smock braeak during this time. but it wasn't, even if it was, it was done correctly by a lawyer. and if he made a mistake, cohen just trying to get his sentence reduced, witch hunt. this is typos aside. donald trump is defending himself by reminding us about the hush money he paid to a porn star and a centerfold, which he

calls a private transaction. a private transaction is when i order mama mia ii in a hotel on demand. i would not want to be a bucket of kfc in washington tonight. and what about the smocking gun? this isn't the first time he's tweeted the word smocking. he did it in august and then retweeted with it spelled correctly. he has a lot of trouble with ck. remember this tweet? that was a twofer. wow, big push back on andrew cuomo for his really dumb statement. andrew chocked badly. this is embarrassing. as a service to the country, i think we could help the president. mr. president here's a photograph of youen joying a

snack. this is you hissing like a snake. you used to be a jock! o-c-k. but now you are a, right, j-o-k-e. how many of you saw the trailer for the new avengers movie? it was the most-watched trailer. 289 million views in one day. 12 were from me. i'm 51 years old, and it's embarrassing to me to be excited about a super hero movie. so i saw it was trending on twitter. i looked around to make sure my wife wasn't in the room, as if i was watching porn or something. and i put my ear buds in and i watched to see correctly, and the whole time i nodded like i was reading something important. this brexit situation is a real

mess. oh, "ant man." we have a lot to keep us distracted. the avengers trailer, a new season of fortnite. but it is the reason kids, especially boys, no longer need feet. they don't leave their homes anymore because it is apparently so much fun. we decided we would have fun with a fortnite challenge. your mission, should you choose to accept it is to surprise your kid or friend or roommate by turning off the television while they're playing fortnite. what i'd like you to do, sneak up on them, right when they seem to be at the most dramatic moment. at that moment, turn the television off. record the whole thing and post it to youtube with the title, hey, jimmy kimmel, i turned off

the tv during fortnite. and once you post it, look for a message from us. and we'll put the best ones on the show. and we'll give these kids a fortnite-mare they will never forget. imagine this last week. sales of canned tuna fish have plummeted. down 40% over the past three decades. and tuna companies believe millennials don't want to go through the trouble of opening a can. the vice president for star-kist said a lot of millennials don't even own can openers. i find that reasoning a little hard to believe, so we decided to put the theory to the test. we asked young people walking by to try to open a can of tuna. this is how that went. ♪ >> can i ask you a question?

>> yes. >> can you open that can of tuna fish? >> okay,ly it's been a while. >> can you open a can of tuna fish? >> i mean, i'm supposed to know. >> i haven't had one of these in a minute. [bleep]. >> i'm trying. i always have a problem with those. i don't know how to open those. >> i can't open it. >> so what happened here? >> it won't come open. >> you opened the can opener. here you go, try this. try not to break that one. it's our last can opener. >> i can't do it.

>> did you break the other can opener? >> yeah. >> let me try this. i'll use this. >> no, not that way. >> are you doing this to prove like that millennials can't open them because their company said the reason they don't sell tuna anymore is because they can't do it? yeah. >> yeah, pretty much. >> that's premise of the entire thing. you're definitely proving them wrong. wonderful, nailed it. >> nailed it, yeah. >> do you feel you represent millennials? >> we're pretty capable. >> look at that can of tuna fish. >> yeah, >> jimmy: tonight on the show, music from cole swindell.

pete holmes is here. and we'll be right back with ellen degeneres. abc's jimmy kimmel live brought to you by mercedes benz. ♪ you are ever happy there daddy, it's christmas! ♪ childhoods, joyland never let go of your dreams. the mercedes-benz winter event is back. lease the glc 300 for $459 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. ♪

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>> jimmy: welcome back tonight. a gentleman who is the creator and star of the "crashing." his new hbo standup comedy special is called "pete holmes: dirty clean." pete holmes is here. then, this is his latest album, titled "all of it." cole swindell from the mercedes-benz stage. tomorrow night, nicole kidman and ron livingston will join us, we'll have music from the smashing pumpkins, and later this week, will ferrell, john c. reilly, amy adams, matty matheson, jeff ross and

dave attell, plus music from rita wilson and kurt vile. so please join us for all that. next up, a phenomenally successful and talented entertainer, a comedian, actress and cartoon fish. she's in a show show called "relatable". please welcome ellen ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: how's it going? very good to see you. [cheers and applause] thanks for

>> thanks a lot. >> jimmy: everyone's excited to see you, pau because people ass you have gifts to give them, is that right? >> i have nothing. it's his show. do you ever give anything to anybody? >> jimmy: almost never, yeah. sometimes i'll give people the flu if i have it, but that's about it. >> nice kind of gift. but really, you never give anybody anything? >> jimmy: well, sometimes i'll stand outside at 5:00 a.m. to give the garbage man a tip. no, i don't give people any, i don't have anything to give. nobody wants, nobody gives me anything to give anybody. >> they would if you would give it. >> jimmy: you think so? >> yes. [cheers and applause] once you get started.

>> jimmy: right. >> they get, everyone, we shot our last 12 days show today. >> jimmy: 12 days of -- >> you people act like you were there. >> jimmy: 12 days of give aways, you do it every year. >> avenue year, and people get really, really excited and sometimes we give the audience 12 days, like you'll come back for 12 days. they freak out. that's ticket everybody wants. then sometimes we give our audience, if it was a really good audience, 12 days, but it's now to the point where i have to be so careful with what i say. people think i'm giving something and i'm not. it's not my show. i have nothing. i would love to give all of you things. [cheers and applause] >> if it was me. but people like free stuff. and you know that.

it doesn't matter what it is, or if you need it or if you already have it. people just want free stuff. it doesn't get really tricky. i can't mention give away, people are on the edge of their seat. she's going to give them tickets, and i can't mention the number 12. >> jimmy: it turns into, and i've been on your showtimes w t when you've given stuff away, and it's like a black friday kind of thing, they're elbowing each other in the face trying to get a toaster. >> you're thinking of jerry springer. >> jimmy: i was on jerry springer. as i mentioned to you, i saw you the other night, and i mentioned that your special is terrific. it's so funny. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and you're so great on stage. it's hard to imagine that you haven't done this in such a long time. >> i was done with it. i did it for like 20 years.

i used to joke all the time when i was touring, some day you'll all come to me, and now they do. so i just stopped going out. they now come to me. >> jimmy: right. >> but it was, it was my life for 20 years. it was touring, and it was really hard. it was the beginning and nobody mows w knows who you are, and it was tough. and it had been 15 years and it would be a challenge to do another one and i decided to start writing. >> jimmy: what did you miss the most, working hard for those laughs? >> yeah, i wanted it to be a different me. people know me from my talk show, a lot of people know i did standup, but there are a lot of young people, i've been on the air for 16 years, and they just know my talk show, and i want them to know that i did something different, i did

standup. >> jimmy: i never thought about that. i became aware of you when you were very young. what was your big break in stand, what would you say was your big break? >> i was the funniest person in america. that was it. [cheers and applause] i had ten minutes of material, and i became the funniest person in america. it was a contest that showtime held, and i won. >> jimmy: wow. >> city, and then i won for the city. i won for the state of louisiana. then i was in the top five. and then i won the whole contest, and i became the funniest person in america, which is the worst title for any one ever, ever, much less when you're starting out. i would be in a strip mall next to a yoga shop, and they would use that title, funniest person in america. and they would walk in, and they're like, she's funny, but like, you know, robin williams

is funny. it was horrible. >> jimmy: and since then, you obviously has gone on to huge success. >> enormous. >> jimmy: explain why the show is called "relatable." >> it's called relatable because i haven't done standup in 15 years. my life has changed tremendously since i last did standup, and i was thinking, what am i going to talk about? i am relatable, very relatable. but entheirthen i started makin don't want to give anything away. it's called relatable because we are relatable even if their lives are different. it's funny, but it's meaningful. i share things that happened in my life and things that changed my life. and what i believe that we all are, which is relatable. so it's funny, but it's also, it's a lot of things, so that's

why. >> we're go being ing to see a when we come back. ellen degeneris is here. we'll be right back. be right back. >> dicky: portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by walmart. america's best toyshop. s best toyshop. ' can you pick up what i'm vibin'? don't you hold it back, don't fight it i said hey hey we just want to play play don't care what they say hey we do it our way ♪ i feel it ♪ like you feel me ♪ feel it all up in my soul ♪ the realest feeling i know have a skincare routine. but what about a lip care routine? pay your lips some attention. the chapstick total hydration collection. exfoliate

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there's nothing more embarrassing than when you pass up a slow driver to show them the proper way of driving. you go around them and show them how they should be driving, and then you hit a red light, and you're watching them slowly creep up in your rear view mirror, and you're just, please change, please change, please change, please change. and the light doesn't change, so they just creep up alongside of you. i'm going to look down and see what that is, i have to see this. i know you're next to me, but you're still wrong, even though you caught up. >> jimmy: that is ellen degeneris. "relatable" debuts december 18th on netflix. >> there's a lot of relatable things in there. >> jimmy: i've seen you drive on a number of occasions and i was

surprised that you were driving yourself. >> really? >> jimmy: yeah, i figured you'd be sham rhonchaperoned in a hovr something. >> i always drive. do you drive? >> jimmy: yes. >> i like to drive. are you a good driver? >> jimmy: i don't know about that. i have a terrible sense of direction. if it wasn't for gpsed' i' b i trying to bring a pizza to someone in college. >> why would you be bringing someone a pizza? >> jimmy: i mean in college. >> i love to drive. i don't care about direction, because i know where i'm going, but i don't go anywhere that i don't know where i'm going, because that is confusing, but no, i love to drive. >> jimmy: you're a fast driver, too, aren't you? >> well, yes.

yeah. i drive a little bit above the suggested limit, you know? because some of them are so low, i mean, some of them are like 30 miles an hour, and that's like, really? >> jimmy: yeah. >> i was going like 35 on my way to work the other day, and this guy was, a motorcycle cop was like, when they duck in, he was hidden. i just saw the front of him. and he had his gun, not the gun, but like the speeding gun. >> jimmy: to shoot out your tires. >> yeah. but he pulled me over because i was going 35 in 30, and he walked up and said, pulling you over because you were going 35 in 30, and then he kind of looked at me like he thought it might be me, and he said do you have a driver's license, and i handed him, and he says, you do a lot of good for the world, and i'm like, okay. but it's weird. i really don't speed that much,

but i was speeding another time. and on the freeway, and this guy, and this was after the fires a year ago, and i did a lot for our community up in montecito for the fires and mudslides, and i love firefighters and first responders, so i do a lot for them. i got pulled over for speeding. that time i was going fast. and it was just that feeling that, you know, that the light's behind you, and you just get so nervous. i pulled over, and he walks up to the side, i had the window down, and he said, listen, oh, my wife loves you! and i was hiklike oh, good. you want to get a selfie? he was like, okay. so it helps when you're like. >> jimmy: that's a pretty good deal. >> yeah. yeah. >> jimmy: there are a lot of negatives to people recognizing you all the time. when you get pulled over, that's not a negative anymore. >> and i really do drive safe. because now the next person who pulls me over is going to be

like, i'm going to get you. can we talk about something else before i let you go? we saw each other this weekend at a party. and somehow your wife molly showed everyone your phone. do you have it with you. >> yes, i do. >> can i see it? >> jimmy: i don't know why i've become a laughingstock. >> i don't know how to turn it on. do you take selfies often? >> jimmy: no. >> show people what your phone is. >> jimmy: it lights up. >> it's like you're a kardashian. look at that. why? >> jimmy: because first of all, i can't read in restaurants, and i like to be able to use it on the menu. >> is that what it's for? >> jimmy: mostly, and i like to take pictures of my kid and i like a little light. >> molly was dancing around like it was fire, like that was a ceremony. >> jimmy: everyone laughs and laughs and laughs at me, and

then they take it and say can we borrow that for a second? and it's like this. >> yeah. the kardashians came up with that same thing. >> jimmy: this is not the color necessarily i would have chosen, but i think i might have gotten this in a gift basket or something like that, so i used it. >> that's what it's for then, reading a menu or your kids. >> jimmy: exactly. >> everybody, the whole party, it was passed around and everybody -- >> jimmy: yes, and people put obscene pictures on it, too. >> i was walking out. it was getting late. i left at 10:00. >> jimmy: you are very busy, and also "ellen's game of games" is coming back in january. >> yes, but there's a holiday. [cheers and applause] so the holiday special is wednesday night on nbc. and it's really fun. >> jimmy: will you be giving away these? >> what are they called? if i say it, i will. >> jimmy: they're called lumi.

>> yes, i will be giving away lumis. >> jimmy: this was ellen's show, you would get one. but guess what, you're not getting any! >> there's not that many of you. i could have brought