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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  January 15, 2019 11:35pm-12:38am PST

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>> we appreciate your time. thank you. >> thank you for joining us. jimmy kimmel live, hey, ted danson. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, ted danson from "broad city", abbi jacobson & ilana glazer -- and music from mitchell tenpenny -- and now, all right now, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: thank you. hi there, how are you? hi, everyone. welcome. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. if you're watching at home, thank you. i tell you what, i want to thank
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you for coming to visit us in not-so-sunny los angeles. it's been raining here for two days now. it rain ped yesterday, and then the unthinkable happened, it rained again today. i'm thinking about suing the sky. today is the tenth anniversary of the miracle on the hudson. ten years ago today, captain sully sullenberger landed the plane safely in the river and everyone got off safely. if this happened today, you know trump would have blamed america. they probably never imagined that ten years later, the host of celebrity apresent tigs wopre
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forcing them to have a yard sale. there's still no end in sight. we've been trying to do a little something to help those who aren't getting paychecks. so every night we've been giving jobs at the show to one of the 800,000 federal workers out of work. tonight we are giving work to o two federal workers, they are a married couple. please welcome michelle and fernando. tell everyone here where you work or worked, i get. >> we work for the irs as customer service representatives. . >> jimmy: irs customer, suddenly they're happy that you're out of wourk. do you get a discount on your taxes? do you file a joint return? is that wise? >> yes, it's wise. >> jimmy: if you aren't at work, does that mean fewer people are
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getting audited by the irs? >> i'm not able to answer that question. >> jimmy: are you able to answer this? do you have any depend entss, children. >> yes. >> jimmy: i heard you were going on vacation, to fresno but you weren't able to go because you didn't have your paychecks, we called and they are giving you tickets to both the parks. [cheers and applause] there you go, we're lass goials to give you a job tonight. this is not a handout situation, you have to work for this. so ted danson is on the show, and one of america's most beloved actors. but this is sad. ted danson doesn't have an entourage. he has no people. come on out here. [cheers and applause]
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hi, ted. thank you for, so ted, why don't, you're a big star, why don't you have an entourage? >> i've always wanted one. i just never could find the right people. >> jimmy: great news, i got the right people for you right here. >> here we are. >> jimmy: michelle and fernando. >> go with ted and follow him around ang and agree with everything he says. >> could we go outside? i just love it when it rains. >> we do too! >> jimmy: everybody's a winner here. >> jimmy, i just wanted to say hi to guillermo, i love guillermo. >> we love guillermo, too! >> okay. open the door for me. >> jimmy: open the door for ted, there you go. that's how it goes.
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perfect. [ applause ] you know, one real negative effect of the shutdown, long numbers at the airport. tsa workers have been calling in sick. more than twice as usual missed their shifts yesterday opting to stay home and frisk their families i guess. but this is the line in atlanta yesterday. and somebody shot this video and placed it online. this is the line before the tsa line. it's so lochk ng it goes all thy through the airport, outside, into the desert. you see, it stretches all the way to india, okay? so this is a real, this is a real inconvenience. but, you know what i'm worried about? i'm worried about when the shutdown is over and the tsa agents come back to work extra fired up to search us because they haven't done it in a while.
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you got to protect your cavities, folks. the federal workers are going, donald trump made history, the first u.s. president ever to congratulate himself on placing a fast food order. he tweeted, great be being with the national champions clemson tigers. because of the shutdown i fed them massive amounts of food, i paid, over 1,000 hamburgers, et cetera. that's right. hamburgers. how does that happen? the e and the u aren't even near each other on the keyboard. it's like in the middle of tweeting he had a stroke or something. or, is it possible he thought they were called hamburgers until today? he took the tweet down and corrected it, but not before he got trolled by among other people, burger king. due to a large order yesterday, we are out of hamberders
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put the tweet up again for a second. i'm not sure what i love most about this, the fact that he writes hamberders or "i paid". the tweet said it was over 1,000 hamburgers, but the source inside the white house claims the number of burgers was much lower than that. >> we have pizzas, we have 300 hamburgers. >> jimmy: he has to lie about everything. he can't help it. or maybe he's the other 700 hamburgers himself. the oscar nominations don't come out until next week. bull as far but as far as i'm concerned we already have the best picture. this, to me, is the best picture of the year. [ applause ] the happiest he's been since kim kardashian visited. this is image you see when you
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take off your blindfold in "bird box box." it looks like he's a super villain who set up a trap to catch himself. but you can't expect him it to w how to spell hamburgers. we went out on the street to see if we could find anyone who could spell it. ♪ >> hi there. spell hamburgers. >> capital h, lowercase a, m-b-u-r-g-e-r-s. >> hamburgers? h-a-m-b-u-r-g-e-r-s? >> h-a-m-b-u-r-g-e-r-s. >> h-a-m-b-u-r-g-e-r-s. >> h-a-m-b-u-r-e-r-s?
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>> no! >> h-a-m-b-u-r-g-e-r-s. >> h-a-m-b-u-r-g-e-r-s? >> h-a-m-b-u-r-g-e-r-s? >> hamburgers, okay, h-a-m-b-u-g-e-u-e-r-s. >> that was worse. >> h-a-m-b-u-r-g-e-r-s? >> picture a hamburger in your head. >> that's what i'm doing. h-a-m-b-u -- no, e-r-g-u-e-r-s? >> no. >> nowhere close? >> h-a-m-b-u-r-g-e-r-s. >> h-a-m-b-u-r-g-e-r-s. >>
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>> no. >> m-ah-a-m-b-u-r-g-e-r-s. >> start from the top. >> okay. h-a-m. b-u-r-g-u-e? >> h-a-m-b-u-r-g-e-r-s. >> how about hot dog? >> hot dog is an easy one. h-o-t-d-o-g. >> all right, close enough. [ applause ] >> jimmy: meanwhile in the senate, day one of two-day confirmation hearings for
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william baue william barr. he said mueller should be able to cleat homplete his work and not let personal opinions influence the russia investigation. >> would you say you have a close relationship with mr. mueller? >> i would say we are good friends. >> would you say that you understand him to be a fair-minded person? >> absolutely. >> do you trust him to be fair to the president and the country as a whole? >> yes. >> when his report comes to you, will you share with us as much as possible? >> consistent with regulations and the law, yes. >> do you believe mr. mueller would be involved in a witch hunt against anybody? >> i don't believe mr. mueller would be involved in a witch hunt. jo >> jimmy: we'll see. all we know is in the movie he'll be played by john goodman.
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over the summer he wrote a letter unsolicited to rod rosenstein sharply criticizing the investigation. and now we find out he's close friend of robert mueller. what if back when it was obvious trump was going to fire sessions he won't to his buddy and said i need an attorney general i can count on. you write a letter, send it to rosenstein and let me have it. say anything you want about me. he'll show it to the president. the president will nominate you and will nail this guy. i know this sounds crazy, but if i told you the president thought it was hamberders you'd that i was crazy, too. [ applause ] >> jimmy: mike the situation,
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remember him from "jersey shore shore"? he reported to prison today. the situation was sentenced to eight months for tax fraud. he got more than $5 million in endorsement deals in 2010 and 2011. and this is true. he was offered a substantial sum of money by abercrombie & fitch to not wear the company's clothes. it was the world's first un-dorse mchun-dor un-dorsement. you know people who are npaid nt to wear clothes pouporn stars. one tanned reality star who
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doesn't pay taxes, one to go. more than 30,000 teachers from l.a. unified school are picketing. hundreds of thousands of kids are staying home in support of the teachers. and while most of them might be content to hang out and play fortnight, this is a chance to kill two birds with one stone. >> attention l.a. public school students. while teachers are on strike you could be sitting in a classroom watching "mr. holland's opus" again. you can be helping the government. >> i'm a tsa agent. spread'em. >> i'm a federal meat inspector. looks good! >> i'm a prison guard! get back in your cell, murderer!
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>> get a head start in a career with the government. turn playtime into pay time. >> jimmy: we have a good show, music from mitchell tenpenny, abbi jacobson and ilana glazer are here, and we'll be right back with ted danson. ♪ ♪ they've got a chance to win this with a field goal. time, give me time... wait, there's a time out. they're gonna ice the kicker! [pop-top can opening] [pop-top cans opening] what is going on?! i don't know! [fans gulping and drinking] i've never seen anything like this in my life. hike! the snap is good... ...threads are up... ahhhh... ahhhhh... ahhhhhh... ahhhhhhh... ahhhhhhhh... ahhhhhhhhh... ahhhhhhhhhh... ahhhhhhhhhhh... [clang] they got to him! doh!! oh! i don't believe it! can you believe it?! ♪
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♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: tonight, from their very funny show "broad city" on comedy central, abbi jacobson and ilana glazer are here. then -- his new album is called "telling all my secrets" mitchell tenpenny from the mercedes-benz stage.
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[cheers and applause] tomorrow, jane fonda and lily tomlin will be here, stefon james will join us, and we'll have music from sharon van etten. and on thursday - regina king, jon bernthal, and music from juanes. so please join us for that. our first guest is one of america's most beloved, talented and statuesque actors. he oversees the afterlife every thursday on "the good place" please welcome ted danson. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: really committed. i think you've really formed a bond with these guys. >> they're crazy about me.
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>> jimmy: it's good to have friends in the irs, it really is. how are you doing? >> really good. a little jet lag. >> jimmy: you had a long trip. you were in vietnam. >> and laos and cambodia. and it was amazing. >> jimmy: did you have a great trip? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i know it's dumb because it's been 40-something years, but when i think of vietnam i think of the war. i am sure they've moved past that, but i haven't. >> it's very poignant. i don't know if you've watched the ken burns. >> jimmy: documentary. >> it was a tragic time all around. and to meet a people that, you know, it's so easy to talk about, because we lost friends or friends lost friends at war. >> jimmy: relatives and, yeah. >> 50-some-thousand people died. 3 million people died in
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vietnam. so you're meeting people, by and large, 70% of the country, i think, was born after the war. so. >> jimmy: interesting. >> it feels like it's moved on. and they are so gracious and sweet and kind. and it was really, i know it's, i'm like a recent convert, because i just landed. >> jimmy: right. >> but it feels like a trip of a lifetime. >> jimmy: i think it's great to go there and tell people about it, because that is something that we need to know, i think. >> oh, it is. everybody i know who's gone said it's the most beautiful, amazing part of the world they've ever been in. >> jimmy: were you on a tour of some kind? >> we were, but it was our friends jim and penny found this tour group called journeys within. and we had one guide, just the four of us, his name was but they take you to, we ate street food, we were in people's
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homes and ate, we were in the fields, watching people farm, and if we went to a nice restaurant, it was a restaurant taking people off the street, young people, training them how to be in the service industry and getting them jobs in hotels. so it was all purposeful, it was all about here's the real vietnam, not an arms length. >> jimm >> jimmy: yeah, because a lot of times you go to a hotel and see the sites that everybody sees. did they invite you to dinner? >> turns out quahadhadhadhadhadd million cousins. we went to people he knew. it was a day after we went to the tunnels of kuchi. the vietnamese did these tunnels during the french and during the american war. there would be these tunnels
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where they would live in, you know, three levels going down. and they would live in and then come out and fight and go back. and we met this man who was a general after the fact. he had lost an arm and an eye during the war. and the woman who nursed him to health in the tunnels became his wife. they had two children in the tunnels. they lived there for four years. i minean it was so incredibly moving. and we kept saying how do you feel about us being here, about americans. and he said one of the things he walked away with from the war is what he really, really needs now is friends to talk to. that's all he wants, after that whole experience. >> jimmy: wow. >> i want friends to talk to. >> jimmy: wow, that is amazing. >> incredibly moving that they could, you know, it's a lesson for all of us, you know, to be able to move on with --
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>> jimmy: did you tell him i wasn't on "friends", i was on "cheers"? >> no, no. here's real truth. >> jimmy: i have to ruin everything, i'm sorry. >> no, it's totally to the point. no one recognized me, jimmy, for two weeks. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> i came down with, i don't know, i was dizzy and disoriented. >> jimmy: no selfies or anything? you subsist on those. >> i know. i was confused. where's my ego. and by the end i was scrubbed clean of my ego. and we flew back 22 hours. i ran home, changed into my tuxedo and went to the critics choice awards. my ego flooded back in. >> jimmy: they chose you to be there? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you sent a video from the trip. let's take a look at this video, and then you can tell us, where are you?
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>> this buddhist monk was blessing us and washing us clean of our, you know, mary had more stuff than i did. >> jimmy: yeah. >> she's really. >> jimmy: she really needed it. yeah. >> when we got there, hundr choice, he tied this on me, this amazing man. it was an amazing trip. >> jimmy: do you think you will keep that on? >> until it falls off, unless it gets in the way of an outfit. he said you can, i can sprinkle water on you, and you feel like you're basically in good shape or we can do that. and mary and i went, ooh, yeah. >> jimmy: that's what you want. and you think he goes back to the office and says these dummies, they took the whole pan, they were soaking wet after it. we're going to take a break. ted danson is with us.
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>> jimmy: oh, kristen bell stopped by and tweeted floss. >> that was a private moment when i was learning how to floss, day one. >> jimmy: that your wife and kristin immediately posted online. can you do it? [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: do you think you will do that ever? >> no. >> jimmy: no, you do not. you learned that for the show, i presume. >> for the show, and it hurts, it actually hurts, if you're young, maybe not. but actually that hurts. >> jimmy: i see people do it and sometimes wish i could do it and then i think no, no, never again.
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this show "a good place" is fantastic, but it's interesting also. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i find myself watching it as if i'm learning what the afterlife is going to be like. >> secretly, when we get up to heaven, i think god's going to say "you guys nailed it." >> jimmy: wouldn't that be something? assuming that is where you will, do you think you will go to heaven? >> it doesn't matter. i'm having a ball right now. it's now, it's now. you live as if their weren't. do i, eh, different conversation, but now is where you be kind and nurture and do all those things. you don't do it so you can get into heaven, because that's a karmic wash. then you're just trying to demonstrate, like when i put a big continutip, a big, nice,
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tip. >> jimmy: don't you think they should pay more attention to the tip jar when it's happening? >> yeah, a little. >> jimmy: i think they would get more money. >> this is ted danson. >> jimmy: holy moly, i got to shake this one out it's so big, oh, there you go, right there. do you enjoy yourself? it seems like you really do enjoy working and just enjoy doing things. >> yeah, no, i do. i do indeed. i have my little dark moments of the soul. but i love to go to work. i love crews. i love actors and writers. i love writing. >> jimmy: you don't go to work and think oh, boy, i want to get out of here. >> no, i picked the wrong job if i did. i really love to work. >> jimmy: that's the best thing you could possibly have. >> yeah, i'm very lucky. >> jimmy: i think ted could do anything he wants. >> i could floss. >> jimmy: you could just spend
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your whole day. >> become a tour guide. >> jimmy: flossing and barging into people's homes for dinner. it's great to have you here. >> jimmy: ted danson! "the good place" airs thursdays at 9:30 on nbc. we'll be right back. ted danson, everybody. [cheers and applause] ♪ se] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ woman 1: this... woman 2: ...this... man 1: ...this is my body of proof.
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♪ >> jimmy: our next guests are two very gifted women who made their own tv show and now they are ending that show. and there's nothing anyone can do about it. the fifth and final season of
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"broad city" premieres january 24th on comedy central. please say welcome abbi jacobson and ilana glazer. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> jimmy: how you guys doing? >> cute little loveseat. >> i love it. >> jimmy: you want it? who would get it, if i said you can have this loveseat, whose house would it wipnd upnd up >> i just need a couch, that's all i need. >> jimmy: you look very pretty, and you seem like normal people, but i know you are not normal people at all. and i mean that as a compliment, you are so far from normal people. >> what do you mean exactly. >> jimmy: well, for instance, your show, which i once think
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you tol me is a 15%,age exaggeration of what you guys are really like. once you guys got so high you lost the remote control. and then to find the remote control you got even higher. another time you, i think you did one where you cleaned somebody's house in why underwear to get tickets to see lil' wayne. >> that is another one. >> jimmy: once you went to kelly ripa's apartment and there were drugs and male prostitutes in there. >> and you think that's more us than we first told you? >> jimmy: i think it's less you. i hope it's less you. >> it's an extreme exaggeration. >> jimmy: do you feel that after five seasons of this show you've grown up and changed? >> definitely. it's like, you know, we look at ourselves and the characters, and the character's got nothing
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real going on. and we're so work oriented. and we've been talking about this lately, that in real life we are really smart and talented. but then we're also idiots. i mean straight-up idiots, you know? like, it still happens. >> but on the show we are straight up dumdums. >> jimmy: you removed the smart part and cut right to the entertainment. >> which is the fun part. >> jimmy: are you finished shooting? are you still editing? >> we finished shooting. >> jimmy: are you finding things and going oh, that would be good for the show, but you don't have the show? >> yeah. we've been doing the show for ten years now. we did the web series before the tv version. and the whole time we had a spreadsheet that every time weed see something, and it would be shared google doc. anything that happened. and now it's like.
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nowhere for it to go. >> it's like we're forced to be present. >> jimmy: terrible. >> and like enjoy life and the moments for what they are. and we're truly not used to it. >> jimmy: you're not harvesting material at all times. >> right. >> and we had one that would have been so good the other day. >> jimmy: what happened? >> all right, so we edit all day. >> right near penn station. >> and we're sitting with this editor all day, and we try to plan our bathroom breaks together. so. >> so we can have more time to edit the show. and it's a bit of a walk to the bathroom. so whatever. >> and there's two stalls in the bathroom. and we've had to pee for a while. >> we both get in there. it's very quiet. and then we're, and then it's not, >> and then it's really loud, and it sounds like two horses are peeing.
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and we were like woo! woo! >> like on a rollercoaster, really hard. >> woo! and we were like that would have been a great thing. >> would have been so good. and now we did it here. so. >> yeah. we got some use out of it. >> jimmy: when you decided you were going to quit doing the show, i did a show on comedy central, and when adam carolla and i decided we were going to some doing our show, they did it with two other guys, did comedy central run that by you. >> yeah, they are. >> jimmy: who are you being replaced by? >> they are 19. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> it's in california now. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> and it's blonds. just two young, really thin blondes. >> jimmy: seems like you might lose some of the spirit of the
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show. >> but i think there's going to be better ratings. >> but we do have rights on the verl version. >> jimmy: you're able to get a piece of that. did you shoot the scenes in in n order? >> we shot all of here, but we made sure to shoot the final moments at the end, and it was wild. >> jimmy: wild in what way? >> i think we just planned, we've never had an end, and to have, we just needed the last moment shooting together to be the last moment for them, too. >> jimmy: right. >> you know, we've very much grown-up with these characters, and we just had to, we try to create an experience in shooting it, too. and for the crew, it was just necessary. >> so the characters are like weeping, but we are truly weeping as is the crew.
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>> we could have, even if it wasn't emotional for us, we could have went as actors. >> jimmy: i see. >> but it was helpful that we were very talented actors. >> jimmy: so you wrote the scene, and you guys would be crying knowing there's a good chance you would be yiecrying. >> it was for like four hours. >> jimmy: that's a nervous break down. >> it was a problem. >> jimmy: did you take anything? do you have mementos that you wanted to keep? >> i thought you meant a drug. >> took a drug. >> i was like, what drug makes you cry? >> i know. >> from the set. i took a couple little pieces of art that were in abbi's bedroom throughout the whole series and a couple other teeny little things that i felt like ci coul put in my apartment and it wouldn't be like i'm in abbi's
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apartment. >> jimmy: and you? >> i took these boobs, these fake boobs that used to be in myle apartmemy apartment in real life. and they became more serious about the boobs, and i had them framed. they're good boobs. >> jimmy: what will you do with those, put them on the wall? >> put them above the bed or on the ceiling above the bed. abbi's good with that. >> jimmy: i know you did some drawing in your books, that's correct. and so will you two now, that you're done doing this show docket, lavirn aerne and shirle never spoke to each other.
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>> no! >> jimmy: i think it's true. >> really? >> jimmy: we should check to see if shirley showed up to laverne's funeral. guillermo, will you check that out for us and let us know? >> i will, jimmy. >> jimmy: let us know tomorrow. will you continue to work together? i think for a lot of people it's sad to see you guys not doing the show together. >> yeah. it will be crazy for us to get together and have dinner and not, like, talk about the show. or talk about work. >> we still have fun. we just haven't done that in so long. we're really excited for the space to not bring the spreadsheet out, you know, and just eat and laugh and. >> jimmy: this idea of you guys with spreadsheets and entering thing noose things into a document is blowing my mind right now. >> and we've been holding each other's hands for a while. it's over. >> it's very much like end of life thing and we're very lovie.
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>> jimmy: the show is so funny. the final season. "broad city" returns january 24th on comedy central. and we'll return with music from mitchell tenpenny. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> dick >> dick wbut did you know you could be saving even more?. with the tjx rewards credit card - every time you shop at our stores,
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you earn 5% back in rewards. tjx rewards credit card. an even better value every day. ed gets copays as lowlily go to as zero dollars on medicare part d prescriptions. ed gets labels clear as day. and, lily.... lily gets anything she wants. ed knows he could just have us deliver his prescriptions.
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but what's the fun in that? switch to cvs pharmacy. >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes benz. the boaest or nothing. >> jimmy: i want to thank ted danson, abbi jacobson, and ilana jacobson, apologies to matt damon. nightline is next but first, this is his album "telling all my secrets" here with the song "drunk me" mitchell tenpenny! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ some people don't know when to quit and that's why they quit ♪ ♪ some need to hit the bottom to see they got a problem ♪ ♪ they can't handle it but that ain't why i started cleaning up ♪ ♪ my life
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wish it was but that would be a lie ♪ ♪ i've been sober 'cause there ain't no hangover ♪ ♪ like you girl no no no baby can you come over ♪ ♪ i always find those words at the bottom of a hundred proof ♪ ♪ yeah girl every time you do i just end up ♪ ♪ head all messed up like the sheets where we made love ♪ ♪ i've been sober since you broke my heart in two ooh ♪ ♪ 'cause drunk me can't get over you ♪ all those bottles sitting up on the shelf
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are just salt on the wound ♪ ♪ one sip and i'm picking up the phone trying not to go home ♪ ♪ without you and that ain't nothing but a whole lotta pain ♪ ♪ and that kind of hurt ooh hurts it ain't worth ♪ ♪ another drink i've been sober 'cause there ain't ♪ ♪ no hangover like you girl no no no baby can you come over ♪ ♪ i always find those words at the bottom of a hundred proof ♪ ♪ yeah girl every time you do i just end up ♪ ♪ head all messed up like the sheets where we made love ♪ ♪ i've been sober since you broke my heart in two ♪ ♪ 'cause drunk me can't get over you no ♪ ♪ can't get over you oh no no no
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i've been sober ♪ ♪ 'cause there ain't no hangover like you no no no ♪ ♪ can you come over i always find those words at the bottom ♪ ♪ of a hundred proof yeah girl every time you do i just end up ♪ ♪ head all messed up like the sheets where we made love ♪ ♪ i've been sober since you broke my heart in two ♪ ♪ 'cause drunk me drunk me yeah drunk me ♪ can't get over you can't get over you no oh no no no ♪
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[cheers and applause] s and applause] we can't do it. tonlt tonight, return to the river run way, the hero pilot and the remarkable reunion with the passengers he saved. >> i was on pins and needles for four terrifying hours until that evening. >> a salute to captain sully and the miracle on the hudson, dodging disaster a decade ago. plus, an eye on the skies today. when something goes wrong in the air, those terrifying moments when every second counts. >> they said

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