tv Nightline ABC February 28, 2019 12:37am-1:07am PST
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>> jimmy: welcome back, still to come, music from mana. our next guest is a world record-setting podcaster and humble eyebrow-farmer with his first stand-up comedy special "not taco bell materia"" is available now on itunes and chassy.com and everywhere starting march 5th. please welcome adam carolla. ♪
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[cheers and applause] >> jimmy: you know, every time you come, you bring that dumb towel, and it makes me laugh, but the audience has no idea what's going on. >> yeah. >> jimmy: how you doin'? >> i'm doing well. >> jimmy: is it true you were having an affair with bradley cooper? >> i've had an impacted assful of that no-talent. come on, flash in the pan. on a year from now, he's going to be selling wonder mops on the qvc. his days are numbered. yeah? >> jimmy: yeah. that doesn't seem likely. how are you doing? >> i'm doing well. >> jimmy: did you watch the michael cohen stuff today? >> no, i don't have time for real news. i'm focussed on jeff bezos. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yes! >> jimmy: why are you focussed on that? >> because i'm obsessed, i'm
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upset with [ bleep ]. i don't know why people do that. there must be something spectacular about his penis. you've seen my penis. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> there's nothing wrong with it. no one ever said let's go down to the mall and put it on santa's lap. not in a weird way. we don't need a picture of it. >> jimmy: i agree with you, though, i think there must be something special about it. >> there has to be, like my penis, be like, think of a beige toyota camry with a cloth interior. would you ever go oh, hold on, we got to get a shot of that. it's reliable transportation. good for them. if my penis was a character on a sitcom. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> it would be potsy from "happy days". he's fine. we're not going to spin him off
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and give him his own show. >> jimmy: i would think ralph. >> ralph mouth? >> jimmy: all i asked is if you watched michael cohen today, and somehow we, yeah. >> anyway, nothing to see here. that's what i'm saying. no reason to take a picture. >> jimmy: speaking of the human penis, if you will. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i think i'll just pause here for a long time. no, speaking of it, in your special, which is very, very funny. >> oh, thank you. >> jimmy: not taco bell material. and i want you to explain that in a minute. but you, i wouldn't say it was an attack on me, how would you describe it? >> it was a peek behind the curtain of your psyche. a little glimpse into how you're wired. jimmy likes a spirited argument, even when he's wrong most of the time.
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>> jimmy: google has ruined that for me, by the way, ruined it. >> we used to live up on the same hill together, and i was going down the hill driving to the airport one day and there was a giant penis graffitied, spray painted onto the big blue mailbox at the bottom of the hill at barham, and i said to my wife, take a picture of the penis on the mailbox, and she said no. and i said just do it. and she said why, and i said take a picture of the penis on the mailbox. and she said what kind of scrapbooking are you into? and i said just take it. so we took a picture of the penis on the mailbox. and i was at your house the next sunday watching football and i said jimmy, did you go down and see the picture of the penis on the mailbox? and he said no. in europe, when they graffiti a penis on the mailbox, do they leave it uncut? and jimmy didn't even inhale.
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he went absolutely not. they draw them the same way. and i was, like, wait a minute. [ applause ] first off, who died you and made you the foremost expert in european penis graffiti or did you just take the world's worst bike tour to europe, and he said no, they draw them exactly the same. and i said how do you know this? and he said because they do not draw limp penises. they only draw erect pea nnises and when it comes erect, the foreskin draw back and therefore they draw them the same way we do. you seem you're reading off a teleprompter. >> jimmy: when i was 18 years old, i went to italy on a trip and was delighted to find that someone drew a huge penis on the wall and it looked just like one
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of our american penises. and i've always had that in my mind. oh, wow, we really are the same no matter where you go. >> that's probably how we beat them in world war ii. >> jimmy: you moved from that house. i also want to point out that when you did buy that house right down the block from my house you did not tell me you'd bought the house until a month after you'd bought the house, even though i saw you all the time. but you move from house to house. are you selling a house right now? >> i'm always selling a house and moving into a house. >> jimmy: you've done something interesting. the idea is to raise the property value of your neighborhood, yes? >> well, yeah, okay. i had this happen, like my family's super lazy, right? >> jimmy: right. >> and nobody speaks a second language, and nobody plays an instrument. and we're just kind of hillbillies living in a rich neighborhood, you know? >> jimmy: okay. >> we've got a cement pond and granny rides up on the flatbed truck and whatnot. so i was walking by one of my
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neighbor's houses and i saw a car parked in front of their house and there was a big magnetic sign on the car door and it said piano, professional piano tuning and my mind ran in a million different directions. that guy's probably sitting at a stein way right now like dudley moore at a cocktail party taking requests. that guy's smarter than we are and knows how to play the piano. i don't want to learn thousand play the pian how to play the piano. but i had a sign made up, i'll put it on my nanny's car, you're parked out in front of the house, and that way people think i'm getting my steinway tuned up. >> jimmy: and lest you think this is a joke. this is on some car out in front of your house at all times. >> i had to transfer it, because my 12 year old daughter is like
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i don't want to drive in the nanny's car with the piano tuner thing, and i said fine, i'll put it on my car. people will think i'm a winner. i went to a mexican food place on friday night. dropped my wife off and said go in, get our name in or whatever, and i park the car. there's this elderly couple walking out of the restaurant. and she said do you have a card? and i said for what? she's like, a card? do you carry a card? i'm like, what kind of card, sweetheart? and she's like, i want to get my piano tuned. no, i minean, no. i don't have time for this. >> jimmy: you easily could have showed up and gotten a check. >> i could have gouged the elderly. >> jimmy: tell everyone why it's called not taco bell material. >> when i was in high school in the tenth grade i applied at the
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taco bell by my house, and they rejected my application. so. yeah. >> jimmy: well, you've done well for yourself. i think you could get a job at almost any taco bell now. >> yeah. >> jimmy: adam carolla! "not taco bell material" is available for pre-sale on itunes and chassy.com. it will be released everywhere digitally march 5th. and we'll return with music from maná. ♪ [cheers and applause] >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes benz. the best or nothing. best or nothing.
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>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes benz, the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i want to thank lady gaga and adam carolla, apologies to matt damon. "nightline" is next but first, their tour starts sept 4th in goes on sale friday. here is mana! ♪ [ singing in foreign language ]
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[cheers and applause] this is "nightline." tonight, president trump face-to-face with the north korean dictator. >> it was a very productive few days, but sometimes you have to walk. >> while his former fixer and attorney testifies against him. >> i know what mr. trump is. he is a racist. he is a con man.d he is ch >> the bombshells, accusations. >> liar, liar, pants on fire. >> and tough questions. >> is there any other wrongdoing or illegal act that you are >> yes. >> so what does this mean for the president? plus, inside "grey's
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thanks for joining us. for this west coast etd edition, where the late-breaking news out of the high-stakes summit between kim jong un and president trump is competing for airtime with the president's former attorney testifying against him on capitol hill. >> reporter: the art of the deal with north korea is proving elusive. >> it's a process that's moving along, but we didn't feel it appropriate to sign an agreement this morning. >> reporter: donald trump and kim jong un cut short their second summit after failing to reach a nuclear agreement. >> we have to have sanctions, and he wants to denuke, but he wants to just do areas that are less important than the areas we want. >> reporter: the respective sides say they will meet again in the future. the president's diplomatic effort took place against the backdrop of a dramatic day in washington. >> i know what mr. trump is. he is a racist.
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he is a con man and a cheat. >> reporter: the keeper of donald trump's secrets, his personal lawyer for a decade, michael cohen, now dumping on his old boss. >> while this was going on, the drama back in washington, your former lawyer, what's your response to michael cohen. >> the most important question up there was the one on collusion, and he said he saw no collusion, so we'll see what happens, but it was pretty shameful, i think. >> reporter: michael cohen called trump a racist. >> and he told me that black people would never vote for him, because they were too stupid. >> reporter: called him a con man. >> the campaign for him was always a marketing opportunity. >> reporter: and called trump a bully. >> how many times did mr. trump ask you to threat and individual or entity on his behalf? >> quite a few times. >> 50 times? >> more. >> 100 times? >> more.
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