weekend's here. enjoy. >> thanks for >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- ben affleck, comedian dane cook, this week in unnecessary censorship, and music from bring me the horizon. and now, to put it bluntly, jimmy kimmel! [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. welcome. relax, relax. very nice. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming and for braving the rain. i appreciate it. appreciate each and every one of you.

i appreciate the love, happy valentine's night to everyone. i see we have a lot of young lovers here in our audience. some not so young. i know why you're here on this romantic night, the reason you brought the one you love is because tickets are free. and you're the 150 cheapest people in hollywood are in our audience. the history of valentine's day goes back to the middle ages when st. valentine's, who was a real person, stopped at rite aid, and they gave him with a stick with a balloon on it. did you get a gift for your wife? >> yes. >> jimmy: did your wife get a gift for you? >> yes, she got me tennis shoes. >> jimmy: they fit? >> yeah, they did. i was like -- >> jimmy: you know, there's

really no need to get a gift for your husband on valentine's day, ladies. just write the word sex on a napkin. my birthday is november 13th and my sister's is november 14th. it's exactly nine months after valentine's day, which is interesting, but here's a fun thing to do if you're a teenager and up watching the show live right now. go upstairs or whever they are, pound on your parents' door and say hey, i know what's going on in there! [cheers and applause] give it a shot. one guy went all out for valentine's day. this gentleman gave his wife the gift after in-house serenade performed by none other than kenny g. ♪

there he is. kanye. kanye celebrated in the whitest way possible. i got my wife kenny loggins again this year. the hardest part is getting him to leave. kanye's bff donald trump did not make a public display of affection for his wife melania or anyone else. >> i love mississippi. i love tennessee. i love the state of florida. i love maine. i love south carolina. i love saudi arabia. i love russia. we love puerto rico. i love the farmers. i love women. i love kids. i love blue collar workers.

i love a hangar. i love equipment. i love this chart. i love the smell of a construction site, right? i love mechanical things. i love beautiful rooms. i love the word reciprocal. i love the first amendment. i love these ten-second delays. i love your hair. i love the pardons for the turkey. i love the poorly educated. i love that sign, blacks for trump. >> jimmy: happy black history month, too. that's very sweet. the president has apparently decided to sign the bipartisan deal to keep the government going, and since he didn't get the money for the wall, he's planning to declare a national emergency or he could wait for the lord to build it for him. 29% of voters believe god wanted him to be president. but the other 75% correctly

believed it was satan. let's talk to the people who think algebra is a secret plot to turn our kids gay. who knows. maybe god was just curious to see what would happen when a kid puts his tongue on a nine-volt battery. no word on whether god wanted joe biden to be president. joe biden is reportedly still, still deciding whether or not to run in 2020. according to the "washington post," he's been eenie-meenie miny mo-ing for all these months. if biden doesn't run, he and bernie sanders who's also still deliberating, if they do not run, will spend the rest of their lives in a balcony heckling the muppets.

[ applause ] this is good news. we get so much bad news all the time now. but this is good. toys "r" us might be getting back in business. you remember toys "r" us? yes? [ applause ] of course you do. less than a year after toys "r" us liquidated its assets and closed hundreds of stores they're working on a comeback. a group of investors bought it and hired april analysts. they believe the r is backwards and if you can turn that around you can turn the business around. if you bought one of their toys during the going out of business sale they're going to need that back. and what is that? is that outside? oh, no. oh, no, no, no.

now this is -- oh, no. ♪ it's geoffrey the giraffe. he cannot come in here. do not let him in the studio. guillermo? do not let him in here. guillermo. you can't let him in here. guillermo, you let him right in. oh, my god, it's geoffrey, i don't know what's going on, but i need you to calm down, okay? >> you think you got rid of me? well, you didn't! you didn't! >> jimmy: all right, no one was trying to get rid of you. >> all you [ bleep ] lying. buying your toys on amazon. you thought you'd kill me, but you didn't. all you did was make me stronger. >> jimmy: please, there are children watching here. come on, now, it's just, please. >> if they're up this late, they're going to end up in prison anyway.

>> jimmy: all right. >> little bastards. >> jimmy: geoffrey. >> why don't they love me anymore? >> jimmy: they still love you. everybody loves you. >> i just want to go back to the old days again, you know? >> jimmy: yeah. >> where the kids would come to the store and have a tantrum. >> jimmy: right. right. >> until their parents bought them a tickle me elmo. >> jimmy: it's going to be fine. >> really? >> jimmy: really. yeah. >> so you'll come back to the store? are you a toys "r" us kid? >> jimmy: no, i don't go to the store, you know what i, i buy things on amazon. it takes two seconds. it comes right to the house, it's, you know. >> ah! ah! >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. what? >> [ bleep ], and amazon. say hello to geoffrey bezos.

get aload of that. and hey, national enquirer, get a picture of this. >> jimmy: oh, come on. >> ah! ah! >> jimmy: he's going through a bit of a rough patch right now. all right, well, happy valentine's day, everybody. [ applause ] i think that may be part of their problem really, you know. things are different for kids today, and largely because of the internet. to kids' schools give each other the valentine's cards or are they just swiping right on each other? i want to know what kids know about love, so i sat down with two very bright young people to find out. hi, guys. >> hello. >> hi. >> jimmy: what's your name? >> philip. >> jimmy: what's your name? >> zaya.

>> jimmy: how old are you? >> 7 and i'm about to turn 8. >> jimmy: and you? >> 6. and this is the month of my birthday. >> jimmy: this is the month, coming? >> yes. >> jimmy: what's your girlfriend going to get you for your birthday? >> i think she'll get me something that's like, boyish. >> jimmy: oh, so you do have a girlfriend? >> yep. and her name is gwynn. >> jimmy: oh, how long have you been together? >> oh, i met her at preschool. >> jimmy: do you think you're in love? >> almost. >> jimmy: almost? what is love? >> hmm, love is like when you meet someone, and you are excited to be together for like life. and -- >> jimmy: for life? >> mm-hm. >> jimmy: what do you think? >> uh, so when you're in love, it's like when your heart is like beating so fast.

you're attracted to someone that looks really beautiful. so that's what love is. >> jimmy: have you had that experience? >> nope. >> jimmy: you've had that experience? >> yeah. it only happens to boys. >> jimmy: it only happens to boys? oh, girls don't fall in love? >> i think. i think. >> jimmy: so on valentine's day, will you get a special gift for your girlfriend? >> i can make a card. >> jimmy: a card is a nice gift, yeah. is a card a good gift? >> i guess. a little bit. >> jimmy: a little bit. >> well, if it has, like, money in it, that means that it will make me happy. >> jimmy: oh. you think maybe you'll give your girlfriend a card with money in it? >> i think ten bucks inside. >> jimmy: why do girls love flowers so much? >> i don't know. they're just pretty. >> jimmy: just because they're pretty? do you love flowers? >> i like cactus.

>> jimmy: you like cactus. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, okay. is there anybody that you want to be your valentine? >> nope. >> jimmy: no, no. have any boys tried to kiss you at school? >> no. >> jimmy: has anyone tried to kiss you at school? are you trying to kiss her? is that what you're doing with your lips? >> only if she comes to my house. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's very forward. i sense that right now as i sit here that the two of you are falling in love. is that happening? >> no. >> jimmy: for you, is it happening? >> well, in my mind, it is. >> jimmy: it is. what do you think of this? he seems like a nice guy, right? [ laughter ] >> well.

>> jimmy: i don't think you're going to get the rose tonight, yeah. >> okay. >> jimmy: yeah. all right, well, thanks, kids. hey, we got a great show for you tonight. we have music from bring me the horizon. dane cook is here, and we'll be right back with ben affleck. ♪ ♪ (mom vo) we fit a lot of life into our subaru forester. (dad) it's good to be back. (mom) it sure is. (mom vo) a lot of everything. over all the years, (mom) we'll have cake soon. (mom vo) we trusted it to carry and protect the things that were most important to us. (mom) good boy. (mom vo) even those years we had no idea what we were doing. [baby crying] (mom vo) our forester helped us build a life and move it across three states. (dad) that's the last kitchen box. (mom) remember this? (dad) [laughs] (dad) c'mon babe.

(mom) coming. (mom vo) even way back then we always knew we had a lot of life ahead of us. (mom) c'mon. hi! (mom vo) that's why we chose a car we knew would be there for us through it all. (avo) welcome to the all-new 2019 subaru forester. the longest-lasting, most trusted forester ever. oh! oh! oh! ♪ ozempic®! ♪ (announcer) people with type 2 diabetes are excited about the potential of once-weekly ozempic®. in a study with ozempic®, a majority of adults lowered their blood sugar and reached an a1c of less than seven and maintained it. oh! under seven? and you may lose weight. in the same one-year study, adults lost on average up to 12 pounds. oh! up to 12 pounds? a two-year study showed that ozempic® does not increase the risk

of major cardiovascular events like heart attack, stroke, or death. oh! no increased risk? ♪ oh, oh, oh, ozempic®! ♪ ozempic® should not be the first medicine for treating diabetes, or for people with type 1 diabetes or diabetic ketoacidosis. do not share needles or pens. don't reuse needles. do not take ozempic® if you have a personal or family history of medullary thyroid cancer, multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2, or if you are allergic to ozempic®. stop taking ozempic® and get medical help right away if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, severe stomach pain, itching, rash, or trouble breathing. serious side effects may happen, including pancreatitis. tell your doctor if you have diabetic retinopathy or vision changes. taking ozempic® with a sulfonylurea or insulin may increase the risk for low blood sugar. common side effects are nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stomach pain, and constipation. some side effects can lead to dehydration, which may worsen kidney problems. i discovered the potential with ozempic®. ♪ oh! oh! oh! ozempic®! ♪

ask your healthcare provider if ozempic® is right for you. ♪

>> jimmy: welcome back. tonight, he is a very funny man who is back with a new comedy tour called "tell it like it is," dane cook is here. then, this is their album. it is called "amo." bring me the horizon from the mercedes-benz outdoor stage. you can see them on tour later

this summer and in may at the sonic temple music festival in columbus, ohio. oh, i want to show you something. my daughter jane, she's four and a half, she made a card for us. so there's the card. it's happy valentine's day. her penmanship and spelling are horrific. so inside the card she drew the whole family. i'm going to show you the family one at a time. there's our son billy, that's jane as wonder woman, my wife molly as a queen with wings, an angel queen, and then there's daddy, aka the devil. [ applause ] never dressed like the devil,

never mentioned the devil. no idea why i'm the devil. i made that kid pancakes shaped like hearts this morning! i'm the devil? i should have had a vasectomy. >> jimmy: our first guest is a double oscar-winning actor, writer, director, and retired masked vigilante-of-the-night who takes on the role of a retired special forces operative in "triple frontier," which opens for a limited theatrical engagement march 6th, and premieres on netflix, march 13. please welcome ben affleck. ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: good to see you. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: how's it going? >> excellent. >> jimmy: did you send tom brady anything for valentine's day? >> when you're close you don't talk about it. you just send little notes. you get used to a thing like that.

>> jimmy: i noticed that. >> not to rub it in. >> jimmy: you guys have gotten used to it, haven't you? >> nine super bowls. are they passing the super bowl this year. >> jimmy: the world series? >> i have to say thank you very much. i did not want to go with you to the world series. i tried everywhere to get tickets. everybody i knew, i tell you. it was always, ah, obstructed view. right field grandstand. so finally, i had to settle for you, which i appreciate. i went with matt. >> jimmy: you were a plus one. i didn't want to go with him, either. >> but you guys did a nice bit. i think the point of this was that this image. >> jimmy: let me hold this up. >> that is what it was supposed to be. unfortunately, i didn't see any of the press or the internet or

any of this stuff. the picture that i found that ended up getting the most coverage is this one. thanks very much. >> jimmy: yeah, i have seen that, yeah. [ applause ] >> thank you. two guys got to go with stupid to the world series. >> jimmy: maybe next time, don't bring him. he ruins everything. >> the truth. >> jimmy: did you go to any patriots games this year? >> i did. i go to patriots games, although i had a sort of, the game before this game, the world series game, i took my kids. the seats weren't as nice. >> jimmy: that's why they call me stub hub. >> i got your money, don't worry, i'll get that to you. on the way to the game, i was giving my kids a pep talk. they're 13, 10 and 6, about to be 7. i was telling my 6-year-old, my son, we're really excited because we're from boston and i give the whole history. he listens to me, and he goes, dad, you're from boston. >> i'm from l.a.

>> jimmy: that's right. >> i failed, i'm a bad father. this is a disaster. i don't know what to do. >> jimmy: hold on. why do you feel you failed at what exactly? >> because there's a certain tragic pain that you carry with you as a person from boston that you expect to imbue to your children, they're going to carry on, like we suffer through the cold and misery and we lose sporting events. >> jimmy: and what are you suffering through lately? >> things have taken a turn in my adulthood. but maybe as a child. >> jimmy: maybe that's what your son is doing, suffering with the dodgers and lakers and rams. >> i was going to put an end to that. my son started telling me, i'm from l.a. i know some guys. >> jimmy: too many. >> you know, work in the trades, that kind of thing, trying to make it out here. i got the new england discount, painters, carpenters to do a

little work on my son's room to help him understand where he comes from. if not literally, at least spiritually. i brought some pictures, because i thought it was important. >> jimmy: this is not a bit. >> this is actual, this is in my home. >> jimmy: this is what you did. what is that exactly? >> that is an emblem for the greatest sports franchise. that is a gigantic football bisected by slide. >> jimmy: what is that? >> that's a chair. you sit in that. >> jimmy: is that supposed to be tom brady? >> my ex-wife thinks it's creepy. >> jimmy: it is creepy. >> it's not a disembodied head. >> jimmy: it looks more like gronk. so your son sits in a disembodied head. and there is a wall. >> a wall. >> jimmy: of tom brady. >> i think it's totally appropriate for grown men to

make idols and worship them. >> jimmy: maybe he'd be interested in rooting for the teams that he grew up around. you decided to attack him with interior decorating. >> that's what we do with our children. we take our neurosis and put it on them. >> jimmy: that's what people from boston do. >> who do you think you are! >> jimmy: what about your daughters? will you install a wahlberger franchise? their room? >> you never know when you might want a wahlberger. >> jimmy: you realize how sick that is. you realize your son, when he grows up. i said something about the rams, and the next thing i know. >> my son's in therapy. do i have to say anymore? this is my dad. i have to say, did send a picture of that to tom brady. >> jimmy: and what did he think?

>> he was very nice. he sent my son a football and a jersey, signed and everything. >> jimmy: nice. >> it was a mistake with the jersey. i have to send it back. >> jimmy: what was the mistake? >> well, it says five-time super bowl winner. >> jimmy: that's old. in fact, you might want to wait for the next one so you don't have to go through that again. >> like five times. >> jimmy: this movie you did, i watched it last night. it's like your first netflix thing. >> it's exciting. >> jimmy: this is a video that went around the internet. this video was from 2003. in essence, you predicted the rise of both netflix and like spotify, pandora, hulu. >> there are a lot of videos on the internet that haunt my. this is not one of them. i believe the industry has been too slow to embrace and adopt these paradigms. it will be a tiered structure,

like if you want to watch it, first weekend, maybe it won't be available first weekend. then if you want to watch it, it becomes less expensive. but there's a lot more adoption that has to be done. the technology's not there, but it will be, i'd say like within five years. >> jimmy: they're looking at you like you don't know what you're talking about. >> they ask me how much stock i bought. zero stock. amazon, no, who needs that? nike, apple, you know what i mean? >> jimmy: didn't you originally have the idea for the roomba? didn't you say i wish there was a vacuum that was a pet? do you have any predictions you want to make so in 15 years later we can say oh, nostra dumb ass didn't invest in this either.

we'll be right back. ♪ oneeeee... did you try this one? feel this one. it's amazing! twooooo... it's nice. but it's kinda pricey. hi. hi. you can't skimp on a decision this important. a mattress is where you'll spend over half your life and eat all your meals. but it's all good. just use pay it plan it. pay it plan it is a payment feature from american express. choose a monthly plan to split up large purchases over time with no interest and a fixed fee. need me to help you carry this to your car or... the powerful backing of american express. don't live life without it. our members can be out of the airport... in the blink of an eye. hertz. we're here to get you there. hurry in to old navy for

thirty percent off your entirepurchase or forty percent off when you use or open and use an old navy credit card, only at old navy!

that leave therea lasting impression. like the feeling of movement as a new journey begins, or the sight of soft fur, warmed by the morning sun. you might remember new flavours, the sound of an old friend's laugh, or a view that defies all expectations. these are the memories that stay with you, long after the moments have passed.

the one with the designer dog collar.(sashimi) psst. hey, you! wondering how i upgraded to this sweet pad? a 1,200-square-foot bathroom, and my very own spa. all i had to do was give my human "the look". with wells fargo's 3% down payment on a fixed-rate loan and a simpler online application, getting into my dream home was easier than ever. get your human to visit wellsfargo.com/woof. what would she do without me?

>> jimmy: that is ben affleck in "triple frontier." >> absolutely. >> jimmy: did you do the things where you train with the special forces and all that stuff? >> i find it really helpful usually and i've done military stuff and fighting and i researched bank robbers at one point. they put us with the special forces guys to do some training, and i have to say like of all the men and women i've been lucky enough to be with, these guys were the most impressive, amazing, like confident, they're like clearly the toughest, most confident, coolest people you could ever meet, and they were like completely at ease, really

friendly, really generous, and they had spent their entire lives basically being, and this is one of the interesting things about this movie that moved me when i got into it, we've increasingly placed more of a burden to do the fighting and defending of our country on this narrow band of people. and to meet these guys and get the chance to train with them was a phenomenal honor, i hopefully didn't make them look bad in the movie. >> jimmy: well, no, you didn't, but it must have been a thrill for them to be around a bunch of guys wearing makeup as well. >> i think they were very impressed. one, i remember having a conversation with them. i just couldn't get, like aren't you afraid? like you go out there, you are in the base, all of a sudden you're in a helicopter and you are getting shot at, and he's like i'm sure it's like you, you go out there on a set, and i'm like, no, sir, and i am afraid. >> jimmy: did he really think it was similar? >> i think he was probably being nice.

>> jimmy: i've read and seen announcements of the effect that you will not be batman again. >> i am. i have been, thank you, thank you very much. i tried to direct a version of it and worked with a really good screenwriter but couldn't come up with a version, couldn't crack it. so i thought it was time to let someone else take a shot at it. >> jimmy: there's a ceremony, and, you know, it happens whenever the bat torch is passed. and in honor of your, i guess, retirement, i don't know what we're going to call it as a caped crusader, we have a little bit of a surprise for you. >> oh. >> jimmy: warner brothers has given us something, we're going to officially retire your bat cape to the rafters. that is your official cape. guillermo, who are you dressed

as right now? >> robber. >> jimmy: no, not robber. but first of all, we have to make space in the rafters by getting rid of another piece of hollywood memorabilia, please, lower the thong. this is the sparkly thong matt damon wore when he played liberace's boyfriend in "behind the candle ah bra". please give it to him or whatever you want to do. >> it has that musk. >> jimmy: put it in there. wait, why does your cape have a -- hold on a second. why does your cape have a number 12 on it? >> that's brady's number. >> jimmy: did you get this after the super bowl? >> no, i insisted to warner bros. that be on there the whole time. they paid $80 million to remove it. >> jimmy: before we do this, any official statement you'd like to make? >> i don't know. i guess i'm not batman?

>> jimmy: he's not batman anymore. ist the cape. raise it to the rafters, and ben affleck, you are not batman. >> good-bye, batman. >> jimmy: more with ben affleck "triple frontier" limited theatrical engagement on march 6th and premieres on netflix march 13th. we'll be back with dane cook. ♪ [music playing] (vo) this is jerry. jerry has a membership to this gym, but he's not using it. and he has subscriptions to a music service he doesn't listen to and five streaming video services he doesn't watch. this is jerry learning that he's still paying for this stuff he's not using. he's seeing his recurring payments in control tower in the wells fargo mobile app. this is jerry canceling a few things. booyah. this is jerry appreciating the people who made this possible. oh look, there they are. (team member) this is wells fargo. cheez-i... so crispy.hin... but we fear, too snackable. which could be cata...

...strophic for our cheese supply. next slide! we are genuinely... ... concerned we may ... ... run out of cheese! new cheez-it snap'd. get to for kohl's cashkend... anniversary sale! friday through sunday... everyone gets $15 kohl's cash for every $50 spent! earn it on everything - even our biggest brands! the more you spend - the more kohl's cash you'll get - no limits! this weekend... only at kohl's. wsofter water's the water yourb, skin wants to drink!, with hard water skin can dry out more. culligan water's what your skin's crying out for! cos skin is important whether you're a baby or bald, that's why we say get a culligan water softener installed! ♪

oh! oh! oh! ♪ ozempic®! ♪ (announcer) people with type 2 diabetes are excited about the potential

of once-weekly ozempic®. in a study with ozempic®, a majority of adults lowered their blood sugar and reached an a1c of less than seven and maintained it. oh! under seven? and you may lose weight. in the same one-year study, adults lost on average up to 12 pounds. oh! up to 12 pounds? a two-year study showed that ozempic® does not increase the risk of major cardiovascular events like heart attack, stroke, or death. oh! no increased risk? ♪ oh, oh, oh, ozempic®! ♪ ozempic® should not be the first medicine for treating diabetes, or for people with type 1 diabetes or diabetic ketoacidosis. do not share needles or pens. don't reuse needles. do not take ozempic® if you have a personal or family history of medullary thyroid cancer, multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2, or if you are allergic to ozempic®. stop taking ozempic® and get medical help right away if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, severe stomach pain, itching, rash, or trouble breathing. serious side effects may happen, including pancreatitis.

tell your doctor if you have diabetic retinopathy or vision changes. taking ozempic® with a sulfonylurea or insulin may increase the risk for low blood sugar. common side effects are nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stomach pain, and constipation. some side effects can lead to dehydration, which may worsen kidney problems. i discovered the potential with ozempic®. ♪ oh! oh! oh! ozempic®! ♪ ask your healthcare provider if ozempic® is right for you.

whareliable wifi with coverage, throughout your home? how about having internet that can help you save on wireless phone service? xfinity gives you the fastest speeds for all your devices. plus, now that xfinity mobile is included, you can switch your wireless carrier and save hundreds of dollars a year. talk and text as much as you want and only pay for data. now that's simple, easy, awesome. click, call or visit a store today.

>> jimmy: welcome back. dane cook and music from bring me the horizon is on the way. it's thursday night, which means it's time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week whether they need it or not. it's "this week in unnecessary censorship". [cheers and applause] >> a bold move here by the richest man in the world. he's essentially saying [ bleep ] me. no, he'll [ bleep ] you. >> it means so much validation from the academy. i took a lot of [ bleep ] this year in my [ bleep ]. and i feel like it really paid off. >> why do you love [ bleep ] this. >> i love this [ bleep ] dog, and i own this dog. >> how would i look [ bleep ] with a white house lawn? >> if i get to [ bleep ] you, i get to do whatever i want the rest of the week. >> the drama over whether he'll [ bleep ] to [ bleep ] another

shutdown. >> i will expect it will be on the agenda, and i'm going to [ bleep ] hard for it. >> nancy pelosi can control her cock in a way that john boehner never had the ability. >> i've [ bleep ] all over these new jeans. >> adam and stacy, don't let all the letters come out. >> [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> yeah, that's it. >> jimmy: we'll be right back with dane cook. ♪ ♪(oh oh oh oh) it's taking over.♪ ♪there's no escape... ♪...you better get moving. ready or not♪ ♪...it's about to go down here it comes now♪ ♪...get ready (oh oh oh oh), get ready♪ ♪...moving. ready or not ♪...get ready (oh oh oh oh) new galaxy. free buds. music to your ears.

get free galaxy buds when you pre-order galaxy s10 or s10+. ♪ if♪ darling, tell me me, loveall the ways ♪ay ♪ ♪ tell me all the ways ♪ all the ways at the store, or to your door. target run and done. i switched to chevy. i switched to chevy. we switched to chevy. i switched from a ram to a chevy. see why people are switching to chevy. we love our chevy. why did we switch? just look at it. switch into a new chevy today. current competitive owners get 21% below msrp on most equinox models when financing with gm financial.

that's over $8,300 on this equinox. equinox models when financing with gm financial. (breaths in) sweet and smoky sesame and ginger these are the flavors we wanted... but how did subway know? are you wearing a wire? i love your wraps! ♪ ♪ ♪ hurry in to old navy for thirty percent off your entirepurchase or forty percent off when you use or open and use an old navy credit card, only at old navy!

[microphfree.eedback] free free... free free, free free free. free. f. r. e...e. free. free free. that's right. turbotax free is free. free, free free free. nosy neighbor... witglad bag full of trashl. what happens next? nothing. only glad has febreze to neutralize odors for 5 days. guaranteed.

even the most perceptive noses won't notice the trash. be happy, it's glad™. (pathe best of both worlds howwith sprint?people they get (sassbot) how about we get two-sport legend, bo jackson... (bo) sup? (bo) guys - you don't need me. just tell people they get a great network and a great price with sprint. (sassbot) yes! you can get an unlimited plan and an iconic phone for just $25 a month, on an lte advanced network that's up to 2x faster than before. (evelyn) bo does...know. (vo) switch to sprint and get an unlimited plan with the samsung galaxy s9 lease and hulu included for just $25 a month. no trade-in required. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com alright,yeah!excited? waaahoo...

well... that was fun, right? it's time to get more. lower fares. better service. sweeter rewards. alaska airlines. ♪ >> jimmy: our next guest is another mighty massachusettsian. he's a platinum-selling stand up comic who's about to embark on his first tour in five years. it's called, "tell it like it is." please say hello to dane cook. ♪ [cheers and applause]

>> jimmy: how you doin'? >> i'm great. i'm in the best shape of the entire week. >> jimmy: look at you and ben affleck, and you both have been on the show in several years and you both got real muscular and i didn't. are you doing all right? >> everything's good. i, too, am celebrating. i'm from boston as well. >> jimmy: that's right. are you as in love with brady as affleck is? >> i was there when he met gisele. she was like, what is the football? she was like, i was walking her through it. and then i got to see them meet. i was there. we went down to the locker room. i'm telling you, she's beautiful, but then he's beautiful. and when they got together, we all felt so ugly at that moment. they were like white walkers. they drained us of all of our energy and beauty.

>> jimmy: that is unbelievable. you noticed they had an instant connection? >> they had a sim pat coe. >> jimmy: who is your valentine? >> i have a girlfriend. chelsea. we've been together for about two years in bliss. >> jimmy: is it non-stop bliss? >> it really is. then we come to a day like today. >> jimmy: do you do the whole valentine thing? >> i do, because i love love. the day starts. we watch "dirty dancing". then we watch love boat. and i play a concerto. my girlfriend and i get a lot of crap from people because we have an age difference. i'm 46, and she's 20. >> jimmy: oh, wow, you do have an age difference. >> thank you for the snickers of approval. i'm 46 and she's 20. i love her. she's the kindest, sweetest, my

best friend. sometimes i find myself saying where has she been all my life. and then i realize, she wasn't alive for the first 26 years of it. >> jimmy: your best friend was a baby. >> people are like you're robbing the cradle. and i am like, she hasn't been in the cradle for nine years. >> jimmy: does she get upset when you talk about her? >> she's probably leaving right now. she's cool with it. >> jimmy: do people get upset with you for talking about them on stage. >> they do. there was a couple who came back stage for the meet and greet and said we met at your show. i was excited. yeah. we met, had your comedy, and we both loved it and traded lines, and we were together for five years. and then we broke up at your show. yeah. because i used to have a bit about like if you really love somebody give them your cell phone right now and let them look through it. >> jimmy: yeah. yeah. yeah.

>> so basically, if you're going to come to my show, clear your browser. >> jimmy: did that happen? >> yeah. >> jimmy: it went badly. >> it did, and it was done. i'm a match maker and a match breaker. >> jimmy: you are a fan of "jeopardy", the trivia show. >> i have an insatiable appetite for knowledge. >> jimmy: i know that about you. you are watching "jeopardy". let's show the clip of what dane happened upon. dane cook's half brother and business manager stole millions from the comic. this crime of misappropriating bank funds. what goes through your mind when this pops up on the screen? >> i knew the answer. i was like, what is i got [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: and while that is funny, but also not funny, were you ever able to recoup any of

that money that you lost in that? >> my tour starts next week. so please come! please, please come! >> jimmy: this is like your first big tour in five years. >> it is. >> jimmy: why is it now? >> i'm coming up on 29 years doing stand-up comedy. >> jimmy: is that true? >> yes, thank you. a standing ovation would have been appropriate. but i don't want it now. >> jimmy: at 30 you'll get it. they're waiting. >> at 30. took you a little time to play every video game possible. then i got bored and i was like, you got to pay your mortgage. and i put together some of the most dynamic, introspective and observational humor and worked on it in l.a. for the last couple years and now i'm bringing it to the masses. >> jimmy: you literally are. you're performing at radio city

music hall, which this is a big deal for every performer. have you not been there before? >> i've never played there. i was asked by several comics to do a show at carnegie hall. i told my parents to come to new york. i have this really crappy gig to do at a dump. and they were like, you really want us to come? and i set up a limo. and they came to carnegie hall. my dad loved it, my mom booed. >> jimmy: you have mixed luck with relatives. >> i'm glad we can laugh about this. >> jimmy: at least i can. this is a big tour. it starts in huntington, new york and then february 22nd. albany. what's it called again? >> it's called the tell it like it is tour. boston, i can't wait to come home. and we'll return with music from bring me the horizon. ♪

>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. okay, so you've been to the it's great right? earth. but i bet you haven't done this. or that. or been here. i bet you haven't met her, or him, or them. ooo, dance-off! this is... incredible. you, see what i did right there. and when is the last time you felt like this, or that or (sighs deeply) i mean, come on- that's basically a perfect moment. it's time to make some magic for as low as $70 per person, per day.

>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank ben affleck, dane cook, and apologize to matt damon. "nightline" is next, but first the album is called "amo." here with the song, "mother tongue," bring me the horizon! [cheers and applause] ♪ i didn't see it coming but i never really had much faith in the universe's magic ♪ ♪ oh no till it pulled us to that time and place and i'll never forget ♪ ♪ when the floodgates opened we we cried an ocean it still has me choking it's hard to explain ♪ ♪ i know you know me you don't have to show me i i feel you're lonely no need to explain ♪ ♪ so don't say you love me just let your heart speak up and i'll

know ♪ ♪ no amount of words can ever find a way to make sense of this so i wanna hear your mother tongue ♪ ♪ so don't say you love me just let your heart speak up and i'll know ♪ ♪ no amount of words can ever find a way to make sense of this so i wanna hear your mother tongue ♪ make some noise! [cheers and applause] ♪ and yeah i could be punching but i always tend to fluctuate ♪ ♪ and i feel sick that i'm buzzing oh love i'm in trouble i'm sorry ♪ ♪ but you got me gushing all over the place and i don't wanna get wet ♪

♪ but i think we're chosen like our fates were woven and all of those bad choices were left turns on the way ♪ ♪ so don't say you love me just let your heart speak up and i'll know ♪ ♪ no amount of words can ever find a way to make sense of this so i wanna hear your mother tongue ♪ ♪ ♪ so don't say you love me just let your heart speak up and i'll know ♪ ♪ no amount of words can ever find a way to make sense of this so i wanna hear your mother tongue ♪ ♪ i think the best way to explain it's like oh oh oh oh ♪ ♪ kinda like that but more oh oh oh oh oh ♪ ♪ yeah that makes sense right like oh oh oh oh ♪ ♪ like oh oh oh oh like oh oh oh oh oh ♪ ♪ so don't say you love me just

let your heart speak up and i'll know ♪ ♪ no amount of words can ever find a way to make sense of this so i wanna hear your mother tongue ♪ ♪ so don't say you love me just let your heart speak up and i'll know ♪ ♪ no amount of words can ever find a way to make sense of this so i wanna hear your mother tongue ♪ ♪ so don't say you love me just let your heart speak up and i'll know ♪ ♪ no amount of words can ever find a way to make sense of this so i wanna hear your mother tongue ♪ [cheers and applause]

this is "nightline." tonight, killer confession. >> it took me a half hour to kill her. >> strangling his childhood friend for her inheritance. now the young man who helpfully recorded the chilling confession. >> you doesnn't think they woulo something like that. plus, the world watched as they found love in mexico. >> will you make me the happiest man on earth? >> now the bachelor couple share their pain in paradise. >> sadly, we did lose the baby. but at the time we didn't really