for all of us, thanks for joining us. on jimmy kimmel live, sean penn. >> dicky: from hollywood - it's "jimmy kimmel live". tonight -- sean penn. from "good girls", retta. and music from jenny lewis. and now, simply put, jimmy kimmel. ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: thank you. thank you very much. very jimmy. imate ho i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching, thank you for coming. please, relax. very nice of you to join us on today, this day. what is it, thursday? this is undoubtedly one of the

least-productive days in america. nothing got done in our office today. the ncaa tournament started. all work came to an immediate halt. tonight's show is going to be terrible, okay? you know every year they try out the statistic about how much money american businesses lose because their employees are watching basketball? that's misleading. it's assuming they would have been working if they hadn't been watching basketball. the truth is, we would have been looking at facebook and taking buzz feed quizzes. my favorite part is the closeup shots of the chubby trombone player screaming. i was in the band, i know. the day began with 64 teams, 63 real ones and one from a made-up college called gonzaga. the biggest upset in the tournament so far might be the one i instigated up in

washington state. i mentioned the other night that i have a theory, and the theory is i don't believe gone saga university exists. i think somebody made it up to recruit a basketball team. it's like eggnog, you hear about it once a year and for 50 weeks it disappears, it's gone. apparently, i opened up a spokane of worms. last night on the show i said i need physical evidence if i am to believe gone sazaga exists, this is the best they could do. >> we have video to prove it. a live look on campus right now, where students are gearing up for the zags appearance. >> look at that bustling real campus. they're obviously extras in front of a green screen. that could be a live shot in front of a retirement home as far as i know. that didn't stop kxly channel 4

from continuing to perpetrate this hoax. >> we hit campus to prove the students and the school exists. a lot of them tell us they have heard this before. >> they're like where is that place? >> it's not surprising to me. some of my friends thought i was in indiana when i went away to school. >> jimmy: that kid clearly wasn't a college student. that kid was daniel craig who played james bond. this conspiracy goes all the way to the top levels of hollywood. gonzaga's about as real as wakhandha. all i know is we should be appointing a special counsel to look into it. i had a lot of folks tweet me. ever heard of a basketball player named john stockton? he went to gonzaga prep high school and gonzaga for college. now there are two gonzagas they

are trying to push. the truth is, when he was 8 years old, john stockton was adopted by carl malone and they started playing together and living together until they got a call from the utah jazz. this is from the attorney general of washington state, a verified account, which is serious. hey, jimmy kimmel, as attorney general of washington state i declare under penalty of perjury that gonzaga u is real. and hey, jimmy, gonzaga does exist. i went on a date with a professor in there, which was too bad it couldn't be fiction. stop by if you want to hear the real story. that's how they kill me. they lower me to a house two miles north of an imaginary campus and i'm quiet. hey, jimmy, i live in spokane but agree the existence is debatable. if you do visit, i'll take you

out for a bag of dick's hamburgers. i've eaten several bags of dick's. and finally, from brent, i think you're on to something. thanks to you, i've been beginning to understand i've been paying my sons' tuition to a stop institution for all these years, and that stops now. that's good. cut that little swindler off at the knees. their school mascot, you know what the mass cot is? of course you don't. tate bulldogs. and that's perfect. if i came up with a fictional school, i'd pick the bulldogs. there are 44 colleges and universities with a bulldog mass cot. the most common one of all. and list t and listen to this phony fight song they claim was written all the way back in 2010. it's called "go gonzaga."

♪ g-o-n sees g-o g-o-n-z-a-g-a. >> jimmy: that's not a song. nobody's ever sung that. play a little bit more. go! gonzaga! fight, fight, fight! >> jimmy: even their school song isn't real. the lengths they go to convince us the school is real. they made a promotional video. it makes no sense. >> for 132 years, gonzaga university has maintained a singular mission. preparing young men and women for the real world, where gonzaga is. founded in 1887 by captain tiberius g. gonzaga. in a secret valley, visible only to those pure of heart. it grew from a one-room boardinghouse that taught rope

making into one of the most tangible universities in america. but don't take our word for it. take a hot air balloon ride to campus to see our physically real buildings, which are not abandoned structures to look like a real campus at film director alan smithy, paul bunyan and mrs. butter worth, all proud graduates of gonzaga university. come to gonzaga. we're here, and we are palpable. believe in gonzaga, because gonzaga believes in >> jimmy: yeah. not even on the website. [ applause ] as far as we know, donald trump did not fill out a tournament bracket this year, although if he did, it would definitely be the best bracket.

most of his anger has been at george conway, husband of kelly ann. he called him a husband from hell. i guess melania's be best campaign hasn't started to kick in. so george conway fired back at his wife's boss. he wrote at 7:02, he's the worst kind of dumb. at this point, journal conway's twitter feed should be called dispatches from the guest room futon. he immediately fired back, i'm not the worst kind of dumb, i'm the best kind of dumb. kelly anne weighed in, to firmly defend the man she loves, that being donald trump. >> i'm having an issue atme sn't like you, had you guys discussed it? >> i mean, i didn't say i have an issue at home. you're saying that. and others shouldn't say that. people are saying that. >> but it is odd. it's odd. >> sure. it's very unusual. >> trashing your boss. >> it's unusual for george, who

people know as a very private person, who really hasn't weighed in on many different matters over the years, but anyway, that aside, of course we've talked about it in passing. >> jimmy: in passing, yeah. she passes out every time her husband tweets now. this might be the first time donald trump ends a marriage he isn't even in. and among the things george conway tweeted was a list of the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder. tell us, real donald trump, which of these diagnostic criteria do you not satisfy? it's an interesting question. it's only fair to take a scientific look at this to see if maybe it has some merit. l let's put the list on the wall and go through it. number one, has a grandiose sense of self-importance. >> i've done more than any other president has done in 500 days.

i'm smarter tn r'm richer than they are. >> jimmy: three, believes that he or she is special and unique. >> let me tell you, the one that matters is me. i'm the only one that matters. >> jimmy: four, requires excessive admiration. >> they said it was the biggest standing ovation since peyton manning had won the super bowl. and they said it was equal. >> jimmy: five, has a very strong sense of entitlement, unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his expectations. >> like a magnet. and when you're star, they let you do it. you can do anything. >> jimmy: six, is exploitative of others, takes advantage of others to his own ends. >> last fall i pled guilty in federal court to felonies at the benefit of and at the direction of and in coordination with individual number one.

and for the record, individual number one is president donald j. trump. >> jimmy: number seven, lacks empathy. unable to identify or recognize the feelings and needs of others. number eight, is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him. >> i'm little jealous. are you giving him all the credit? you know that means the end of his job, you know. >> jimmy: and finally, number nine regularly shows arrogant hautsy behaviors or attitudes. >> i'm a very stable greenius. people would say i'm the super genius of all time. >> jimmy: let's go back through the list. number one, check, number two, check, number three, check, check, check, check, check, check and check.

well, nine out of nine, a perfect score, congratulations, mr. president! [cheers and applause] ♪ >> jimmy: you narcissistic personality of the year. meanwhile as he is lashing out at the husbands of his staffers and continuing to attack the departed john mccain, this is what's going on in canadian politics. >> the rules of the house do not allow us to eat in this place, and i can't help but observe during the last vote a number of people were eating in their seats, including the minister of defense and the prime minister, who appear to be hiding a bagel in his mr. speaker, he does not need to stand with mustard. >> order. >> indeed, mr. speaker, i apologize. it was a chocolate bar. i apologize.

thank you, mr. speaker. >> jimmy: you are not getting a bite now, you bitchy little snitch. what a little tattletale. how do you confuse a chocolate bar for a bagel? are chocolate bars round there, too? guillermo -- oh, you're from mexico, never mind. we have a new chapter in what they, by they, what i am calling masturbate gate. robert kraft is charged with getting the old two-hand touch and more in jupiter, florida. the police say they have the whole thing on tape and now craft kraft is trying to block the release of that tape. he's trying to block the release of his release. his attorney says we categorically deny mr. kraft was involved in any illegal activity. if he's innocent, why does he care if a video of him being

totally innocent comes out? i'd watch it. not every movie has to have a happy ending, you know? you know who's standing by robert kraft? none other than the president of the united states. even with all this, donald trump still wants robert kraft to visit the white house with the patriots to celebrate the super bowl. only donald trump could take a party featuring a mountain of room temperature chicken mcnuggets and say i've got a way to make this even less dignified. team trump, his people are worried that hosting bob kraft could lead to an embarrassing media spectacular. a but of course we can't have that. but the president is loyal to his friends no matter what they do. he only wants kraft to come to dinner, because he's counting on him to bring the macaroni and cheese. there are 294 democrats apparently running for president, and they're looking for ways to stand out. so last night during a cnn town hall, the former governor of

colorado, john hickenlooper found a way to stand out and so much more. >> i didn't know what an x movie was. we thought it was a little naughty, but we didn't think it was that bad. i got home and she had this huge dinner laid out. and i said i promised that we would go to the movie theater and see this new movie. you want to come? and it's an x movie, i just, i was sure that she wouldn't say no. i made a mistake. and she said i'd love to go, because she didn't want to be left alone in the house again. >> it was a pretty famous movie, too. >> so i took my mother to see "deep throat." >> jimmy: that's the kind of family man john hickenlooper is. even when he goes to see pornos, he takes his mother. i once saw my mother buying panty hose, it barges into my hid eve

head every time i see a plastic egg. you know what else came out the same year? "godfather." but hickenlooper said no thank you, that's too violent. he went on to say they stayed until the end of the movie. they had to finish all their raisinets. we may need to have him on the show. i want to know if he had an erection when he saw the movie with his mother. i want to know everything. we'll get into that. [ applause ] one muir thiore thing. djtj, donald trump jr. is reportedly being groomed for a run in 2024. not an expression. they literally groom him like a dog. apparently, they're hoping to form a trump political dynasty like the bushes had. even though it's 2024 they're already running campaign ads. >> my name is donald trump jr. people call me donald trump jr. that as our big hotel.

that's my name on the outside. it's also my dad's name. he's president. i shot this leopard with a gun. i wasn't scared. someday i want to be president like my dad. then maybe he'll stop saying he should have had a vasectomy. i'm donald trump junior. my name is trump too. >> jimmy: he's off to a hot start. we have a great show. music from jenny lewis. retta is here. and we'll be right back with sean penn. ♪ abc's jimmy kimmel live, brought to you by turbo tax. turbo tax. there's no food, we just said that so you would show up. what?! no food? there's someone we think you should talk to. hey, dan! your coworkers told me you haven't done your taxes. i just want to say, you can call a turbotax live cpa for help. we'll help you get your refund and get back to your life. you'd really do that for me?

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you can get the witright plants,pot, the right soils, and you'll get the right edible garden. if you want to eat what you grow, today is the day for doing. ge, r the home depot. more saving. more doing. >> jimmy: tonight, from "good girls", the very funny retta is

here. then her album comes out tomorrow. it's called "on the line". the wonderful jenny lewis from the mercedes-benz stage. hey, i look you can see jenny lewis live, in hollywood tomorrow night, at the palladium next week, we will do this all over again with bill hader, david harbour, colin farrell, regina hall, science bob pflugfelder, from the dodgers, justin turner, marsai martin, matthew mcconaughey and snoop dogg. and we will have music from gunna, rodrigo y gabriela, durand jones, and billie eilish. so. >> jimmy: us for all that. >> jimmy: our first guest tonight is a multi-talented individual who has as many oscars as he does thumbs. he's an actor, screenwriter, director, humanitarian and novelist too. his debut work of fiction "bob honey, who just do stuff" comes out in paperback april 9th. please welcome, sean penn.

♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: how you doin'? >> very well. >> jimmy: very good to see you. you look good. you look active. you look like you could jump out of a helicopter right now. >> i sit on a red couch all day long with a golden retriever and talk to myself. >> jimmy: you do, really? you have lonely days? >> i'm only lonely in a crowd. helps, this is what makes me healthy. >> jimmy: mr. hand would be so proud that you wrote a book. this is really a remarkable thing and a remarkable achievement, and although it is, who just does stuff. you got it wrong. it should be does, not do. >> when i graduated gonzaga lit. >> jimmy: that's what they said,

huh? what is your process when you're writing this book? i imagine you like a manual typewriter, and you're smokin', and you've got your sleeves rolled up and there's like a tumbler of scotch there. >> that was how i wrote my earliest screenplays. >> jimmy: okay. >> but now i, i will come up with thoughts of where i'm going next at night. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> so it's one of the few things i know how to do on my phone, which is in the notes. so i write those notes so that i recall. >> jimmy: mm-hm. >> and i get up very early, and i make more notes. and then i have an assistant come in who knows how to use a laptop, which i've never touched. >> jimmy: really? really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: wow. >> then i stand up with vodka tonic. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> and a cigarette, and dictate. >> jimmy: this computer thing, so you never googled anything or

bought anything on amazon? >> on my phone i can. >> jimmy: only on the phone. okay. interesting. so you dictate, and she sits there or he or she, i don't know what your -- >> it depends on who gets fed up with me. >> jimmy: i see. and then are they collaborative? do they say, well, yeah, i like that? or do they just type what you say? >> when you spend all day with somebody they tend to, opinions come out. >> jimmy: opinions come out. and do you abide by those opinions? take them into account? >> i always get angry at somebody's opinion first. >> jimmy: and then you come back to it? >> then i'm in bed at night doing my notes saying that was a -- >> jimmy: that is interesting. i think it's, it shows that you've thought about yourself and you're self-aware, because when you said that, i thought, yeah, i kind of do the same thing, but i never thought about it until you just said it abouts

yourself at fir yourself. at first you get defensive and then you say, i wonder if that is a good idea. >> which is a long way of saying you are reflexively when i think back to what we considered a sociopath. >> jimmy: mm-hm. >> now, with the kind of diminishing returns of mental health of the country. >> jimmy: mm-hm. >> the sociopath that i used to know is the clear-minded moral man of today in many ways. and is the, is the prince pipal this book, it is again, you say you have to, in your family, i would say that, you know, the struggle in today's world is, is, you don't want to get, you want to be so skeptical, and it becomes very defensive. and i am so ludicrously so that

then it's for a reader, not for me writing it, but for a reader i think very funny. >> jimmy: mm-hm. >> and because i, well, i take that back. i laugh a lot >> jimmy: do you? >> yeah. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, because it's a way to talk about the absurdity of so much of where we are, i think sort of like operating room humor. >> jimmy: do you think like where we are is, i mean, obviously, we make jokes about it, but does it strike you as funny? >> if we're going to have a sober conversation. >> jimmy: yeah. >> about where we are. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> then we're going to say things like, i'm excited to see my kids tomorrow. i'm excited about what they're doing. i'm excited about a woman in my life. i'm excited about looking at nature. but if then you try to take the

word excitement and turn it into optimism, it is a very difficult reach to take where we are today and practice random acts of optimism. and i don't think that it is a productive view. i don't think that, i think that, you know, hope has to sort of have a new definition. we're really at that kind of crisis hour. if you look at climate reports. if you look at the basic aspiration of decency and where we are and what people, how corporatized the arts have become. so much so that i think most celebrated would be that which is artless, because we tend to be more comfortable in that. because otherwise you got to look at what really is, and i think we're in a very tough time. i don't just mean we in the united states. i mean globally. >> jimmy: i thought you meant

just the two of us, actually. we're going to take a break. sean penn is here. we'll be right back with sean after this. ♪ [ applause ] >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by yahoo sports. enter the best bracket millionaire contest at "yahoo.com/best bracket" for your chance to win a million dollars.

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>> jimmy: we are back with sean penn who, you got some very notable authors, salmon they gave you good reviews. the critics agreer, honestly, shut your face, sean penn. you can see repellant on one level, stupid on so many others. you love this kind of stuff, don't you? >> yeah. if i'm honest, i would have said, in order, pulitzer prize. >> jimmy: number one, yeah. >> second best? >> jimmy: this. >> and what i anticipated.

l almost to the words. >> jimmy: you wrote a glowing, lovely, not review, but testimonial, talking about bradley cooper's movie "a star is born." you just decide out of the blue, i'm going to write something before the oscars and tell everyone how much i love this movie. why did you do that? >> well, because i did love that movie like that, and i thought what was particularly remarkable about it, when you have a movie star, he's a movie star, and he's writing this thing. he's mentoring a brilliantly talented but very inexperienced leading lady. >> jimmy: lady gaga's never acted. >> in an astonishing performance. he's playing a very tortured character who's really struggling, and that's

challenging for an actor to do it and own it organically while directing a movie at scale like this. that's one thing, but also, john kesevetes once said there was one subject he was interested in, and that was love. and the idea that today, with all of the divisiveness, the political correctness, the political incorrectness, the focus on pleasing that you can find trending on a graph, that somebody would make a movie now that has, it's not about any of that. it's not appealing to a trend. it's appealing to a human hunger that's so basic. and i remember when i first saw the cut of it, thinking you know, the red couch where i sit. >> jimmy: mm-hm. >> if people at large don't respond to this, i will realize

that i, i have, i have no -- >> jimmy: barometer whatsoever? >> no, that i'm obsolete to the culture. >> jimmy: mm-hm. >> my thinking is. and then it did. >> jimmy: after you wrote that, did bradley call you? or what did he say? or did he send you a car or anything like that? because it really was remarkable. >> he got me a photo session on a rowing mac mac mac mac >> jimmy: that's nice. that's good, too. are you going to write another book? did you enjoy it enough to do it again? >> i did it again. >> jimmy: oh, you did it again. >> i did it again. this is, because of the school i come from, this is bob honey who just do stuff. and in septemb

rare bird, is putting out my next book. jimmy crack corn. so that comes out in september. >> jimmy: and you're not kidding about that. >> no. >> jimmy: i think some in the audience thinks you are. you guys, what's wrong with you. it's great to see you, thanks for coming. sean penn. we'll be right back with retta! retta! ♪ it's taking over ♪ there's no escape ♪ you better get moving ♪ ready or not ♪ it's about to go down here it comes now ♪ ♪ get ready ♪ oh oh oh oh ♪ oh oh oh oh ♪ get ready ♪ moving ♪ ready or not ♪ get ready ♪ oh oh oh oh oh ♪ hey at jimmy john's, we know how much you care about freshness,

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>> dicky: jimmy kimmel live is heading to las vegas from april 1st to april 5th. if you're going to be in the area and want to see the show, go to kimmel in vegas.com for tickets now. tickets now.

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>> jimmy: you know our next guest from seven seasons as donna on "parks & rec". next, she takes orders and commits felonies as a struggling waitress slash grocery store robber on "good girls". it airs sundays on nbc. please welcome, retta. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you? thanks for coming. >> thanks for having me.

>> jimmy: and it's good to see you. i heard you have a big reunion going on across the street after the show. >> the entire cast of parks and rec. are going to be there. >> jimmy: everybody will be there. >> even rob lowe. >> jimmy: rob lowe was here last night, actually. did you become friendly with rob when were you working on that show? >> yes, so rob's first day on the show, our dp loved me. and when you shoot with like amy. >> jimmy: though is the director of photography for those, yes. >> i was on a show with some of the whitest people in the industry. so when we shoot together, if you like her you can't see me, if you lighten me, you can't see her. so if you would light me special for all our scene, i remember him being like, do you have your own lighting, and i was like, sure do. i'm just, i'm the rob lowe here. and i remember telling him, i had forgotten this, when i was

in high school, i used to sketch cute boys in magazines. >> jimmy: same here. >> and rob was one of the cute boys that i had sketched. and he was on my wall. still up at my parents' house on the wall, a sketch, and i remembered it, and i tell him the story, and i was like oh, my god, when i was younger i used to sketch boys out of those magazines, and he looked at me like you are not the first. he was totally not moved by my story at all. >> jimmy: that happens to hemimn a daily basis. you started with standup comedy. >> my first was jenny jones. you remember jenny jones? and she had a show where she was trying to promote female comics. so she had a show with all female comics and new female comics, and i got to do the show, and that was my first.

>> jimmy: did that make you, i would imagine among your family, makes you a star right away. >> yes, because when it aired, my dad didn't see it. he had a haircut scheduled that day. >> jimmy: what? >> so he went to the barber, and at the time they had used my last name, surleaf on the show. and so the barber, you know, kauchl kauc called my dad's name. he was up next, and he was like, surleaf, you have a daughter? and he was like, yeah. my dad was cool for a week at the barbershop because he had a daughter on jenny jones. and i thought it was funny, because like your barber watches jenny jones? >> jimmy: she dominated the barber demographic, from what i, and then now this show you're on, it's not just a comedy. there's a lot of intense drama in this show. >> yeah. >> jimmy: was that a tricky

transition for you, going from parks and rec. and doing standup? >> no, because i'm at an age where i cry at everything. hallmark commercials take me out. >> jimmy: do you really? >> yes, when you cry yourself to sleep, it's easy to bring it back up. but i cried at myself, there was one point where i was like, yeah, i can cry on cue, and i can. and when i had the first meeting with our creator and director i was saying, the director was like, i know this is going to be challenging, it's very emotional, it's like, homey, i got this, don't worry about this. and the first day that i had to shoot a crying scene. >> jimmy: mm-hm. >> it wasn't coming. nothing. i couldn't bring a thing. and i remember him coming up and said, retta, i said that's all you talked about at l you can cry. so then i started panicking, and i said i now, i d and i whenentd

chugged a bottle of water. i was dehydrated and that was why. >> jimmy: so the water goes in and comes out as droplets, interesting. i've heard that before. i thought it was a revelation. of course, you're dehydrated, no tears will come out of your head, yes. isn't that miraculous? >> it is. who knew. >> jimmy: and that's going to be funny. who's whitest person on parks and rec.? let's rank everybody. it's got to be between amy poehler and chris pratt. >> no, the whitest over all because of hair, now jim is the whitest. >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. congratulations on the show, "good girls" airs sundays at 10:00 p.m. on nbc. and we'll return with music from

jenny lewis. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.

>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. jmy: i wat sean pengies to matt damon. nightline is next, but first, her album is called "on the line" here with the song "red bull & hennessy", jenny lewis! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ i'm about to get wicked you got me lying on myac hallelu all will be forgiven ♪ ♪ but why you gotta

act like that make me beg for you i'm wired ♪ ♪ on red bull and hennessy higher than you c'mon and get i'm on fire next to me ♪ ♪ i wanna ride with you ahh-ahh i wanna ride with you ♪ ♪ what's a matter with me i can see it in your eyes

after all we've been through, through, through ♪ ♪ ohh don't you wanna kiss me kiss me, kiss me don't you wanna even try ♪ ♪ and devour the moon i'm wired on red bull and hennessy higher than you ♪ ♪ i'm on fire c'mon and get next to menn and we had it all ♪ ♪ right from the start never going back in with your heart

heart, heart ♪ ♪ heart and we had it all it's fallen apart never getting back ♪ ♪ again without that spark, oh, oh oh, oh, oh, ohh oh, oh, oh, ohh ♪ ♪ i'm wired on red bull and hennessy higher than you i'm on fire ♪ me i wanna ride with you ♪ ianna ride with you

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

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