that's all for now. the official truck truck of homecoming, we appreciate your time. >> from all of us, thanks for and coming home. the all new chevy silverado. chevy truck month continues with 0% financing for 72 months on this all-new silverado. or, this deal gets stronger. >> dicky: from the caesars entertainment's zappos theater, current competitive owners it's jimmy kimmel live in las get a total value of over vegas! nine thousand five hundred dollars tonight -- when financing with gm financial. kevin hart oh! oh! jimmy drives a lyft around vegas oh! ♪ ozempic®! ♪ and music from marshmello featuring chvrches -- (announcer) people with type 2 diabetes are excited about the potential presented by cîroc vodka. of once-weekly ozempic®. with cleto and the cletones -- in a study with ozempic®, a majority of adults lowered their blood sugar and now, double or nothin' jimmy and reached an a1c of less than seven kimmel! and maintained it. oh! under seven? and you may lose weight. in the same one-year study, ♪ adults lost on average up to 12 pounds. [cheers and applause] oh! up to 12 pounds? a two-year study showed that ozempic® does not increase the risk of major cardiovascular events like heart attack, stroke, or death. >> jimmy: thank you. oh! no increased risk? welcome! ♪ oh, oh, oh, ozempic®! ♪ very nice. hi, everybody, welcome to the ozempic® should not be the first medicine for treating diabetes, show. i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thank you for coming. or for people with type 1 diabetes

or diabetic ketoacidosis. do not share needles or pens. don't reuse needles. welcome to our week-long do not take ozempic® if you have a personal or family history residency in las vegas. of medullary thyroid cancer, please relax. we are coming to you from the multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2, or if you are allergic to ozempic®. stop taking ozempic® and get medical help right away if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, severe stomach pain, itching, z rash, or trouble breathing. serious side effects may happen, including pancreatitis. tell your doctor if you have diabetic retinopathy in 2015, steve harvey mistakenly or vision changes. taking ozempic® with a sulfonylurea or insulin may increase the risk for low blood sugar. told ms. colombia she was ms. common side effects are nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, universe here. stomach pain, and constipation. so there's a lot of history some side effects can lead to dehydration, here. i rolled into town with a which may worsen kidney problems. 1-year-old, a 4-year-old, my parents and mother-in-law. i discovered the potential with ozempic®. ask your not exactly the rat pack, but i discovered the potential with ozempic®. you do what you have to do. there are sharks and dollphins. here is another laundry hack from home made simple. do you want ready to wear clothing without all the hassle? you can, with bounce dryer sheets.

it is also a terrible place for simply toss two sheets in the dryer to iron less. children. there are strippers on the you can, with bounce dryer sheets. and an identical shirt using bounce. sidewalk. trucks advertising girls to your the bounce shirt has fewer wrinkles, less static, room with naked women on them. and more softness and freshness. there are, people are smoking. people are gambling, there are for extra large or wrinkly loads, toss in three sheets. bachelorettes crying and carrying their shoes. dermatologist tested bounce free and gentle and, you know, kids, they soak is free of dyes and perfumes. it up. bounce out wrinkles, bounce out static. and so we're crossing the street from the link, just down the block. we're waiting for the light to change. and there's a country song blasting out of jimmy buffett's ♪ margaritaville. and it's a song called "hick town" by jason aldean. in the middle of the song, he says the word "butt crack." he sings, ♪ you can see the neighbor's butt crack nailing on his shingles ♪ and my daughter jane's like what are you laughing at? and my wife's like, i'm not laughing. and jane doesn't bite. she says what was that word were you laughing k what you were

talking about. i wasn't laughing. but then the light changes and jane just starts shouting "butt crack! butt crack! butt crack" in 48 different ways. now that word has become a major part of her vocabulary, so thanks, vegas, for all the butt cracks! [cheers and applause] we have to get them out of here before they turn out like me. a bunch of our staff got together for a very late night of carousing and apparently, guillermo had a rough night. (dad) this i(mom)eam cake needs a freezefreezer's full. i'm not sure he's going to be able to make it to the show tonight. >> jimmy! (vo) only frigidaire's custom flex r. >> jimmy: oh, hey, look at this! (son) nice save! (vo) that's using your frigidaire. ♪ what's happening? how are you? it's carrot top, everybody. how are you doing? >> i brought some stuff for you.

hope you like this. this is good for everybody tonight, seriously, this is great. make your friends wear this when they go out drinking tonight. when they pass out, leave them wherever the hell they are. [ applause ] wheel' be back. this one's brand-new. it's still wet. ♪ it's a new wedding cake for nicolas cage. >> jimmy: oh! >> i put it on an etch-a-sketch. he's a friend, too. crap! >> jimmy: that's convenient. >> jimmy: is it okay to wipe >> is it taco night? your hands on a baby if it's it should be taco night, right? your baby? >> absolutely. >> jimmy: it's taco wednesday. yeah, absolutely. you own it, right? >> it's the mexi-can opener. >> jimmy: i think so. >> i own my kids, and i do it all the time. this might be my best stuff you're at a restaurant or whatever, especially in a high chair, they're not going >>: what else do you hav >> thi is the deluxe model of anywhere. >> jimmy: they're already dirty. >> they're already dirty. the mexi-can opener. i used to be discrete about it. you want to see it? >> jimmy: i would love to see now it's just, you know. it. >> i think this opens a can of >> jimmy: baby wipe. >> baby wipe. that's what i always thought a beer. baby wipe was. >> hi! hi, vegas! >> jimmy: when using a urinal, where do you look?

>> um, i usually look like that [cheers and applause] way, right? >> jimmy: down? >> i would either go this way or >> there's the mexi-can opener. that way. have a great night! right? is that what most people do? >> jimmy: what's the sexiest >> jimmy: carrot top, everybody! thing you ever saw your grandma do? >> wow, i mean, when was she not >> yeah! sexy? i mean, up until the ♪ >> jimmy: carrot top, carrot top. that was quite an entrance, >> jimmy: you okay? guillermo. how are you feeling? a toast to your grandma. seriously? >> terrible, terrible, terrible. >> all right. >> jimmy: so you put on quite a hey. >> dicky: ciroc vodka, the show last night. i got a lot of videos this answer to all of life's morning. >> wow. ridiculous questions, and for a i don't, i don't remember too limited time, try ciroc watermelon. much. you should really stop overpaying for wireless. aul) >> jimmy: well, fortunately, many members of our staff were (sprintern) and upgrade to the brilliant iphone xr with sprint. there and captured it on (sassbot) yup, both an unlimited plan and iphone xr videotape. i thought it would be fun to share with our audience. for just $35 per month. (mom) wait, both for that price? this is guillermo in action (son) both? (dad) both? (baby) both? doing live karaoke at the cosmo [gasp] (mom) her first word! (paul) and you get both on sprint's network built for unlimited. last night. (vo) switch and get both an unlimited plan and iphone xr lease

♪ >> sing it. for just $35 a month no trade-in required. ♪ ba, ba la for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com (water -♪spitting sound) >> jimmy: you're ealize you've d our thickest, toughest wipe... your shirt off on the show every tackles any mess. night this week. >> i like it, i like to show my six pack. >> jimmy: what are you doing after the show tonight? what's your plan? >> nothing. i'm going to bed. i'm tired. >> jimmy: really? >> yes. >> jimmy: i find that hard to believe. >> no i was [ bleep ]. i'm going to party tonight, too! [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: well, we have a fully-clothed show for you tonight. kevin hart is here. we have music from marshmello featuring churches, and we'll be friends & family sale - the savings add up!... with an extra 20% off! right back with kevin hart here save on women's tops - $15.99 on the las vegas strip. comforter sets... .40.

and that isn't closest to the -ake an extra $10 off your $50 or more kids' sale purchase!... plus - get kohl's cash! right now... at kohl's. weird east thi weirdest thing in las vegas. i want to say congratulations to carolyn goodman who was reelected as mayor for the third term. voter turnout, only 22,000 people voted. more people saw donnie and marie what would i say to somebody keep being you.? at the flamingo last week than keep loving. keep aspiring. keep striving. voted for mayor. so one of the great things about las vegas, and you don't know this if you don't live here, but and ask your doctor about biktarvy. we have the best, and by best, i biktarvy is a complete one-pill, once-a-day treatment used for hiv in certain adults. mean worst, local advertisements of any city in america. it's not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv with three different medicines [ applause ] this has been the case since i was a kid. i was very happy to laearn wheni to help you get to undetectable. that means the amount of virus turned the television on, that is so low it can't be measured in lab tests. this tradition was still alive and well thanks in no small part so keep pushing. to a store called the nevada keep creating. and keep pouring your soul into everything you do. coin mart. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems, and kidney failure. rare, life-threatening side effects

include a build-up of lactic acid and liver problems. [ applause [ applause ] >> rolex watches! do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. >> ah! >> knock out the tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, probms, includg hepatitis. you hrv t lkg your . mmonideffects weredirhea, n. ♪ >> jimmy: that's good stuff. if you're hiv-positive, keep loving who you are, [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: there's a special place in my heart and in the hearts i now of many of you who inside and out. lived here in the '80s for our ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. ♪ ludicrous local ads of the past. se of bt vd through youtule well, what if i... drove me home? [♪] >> hereo. what if we lost track of time? in henderson. of course. [♪] >> who stops at the jewellers? >> hi, i'm michael cooper speaking for the jewelers of las what if we took a leap of faith? vegas. >> i'm larry johnson. >> winners love to buy their what if you... missed my flight next week? jewelry from mordecai.

>> i'll refund the difference to [♪] the all-new rav4. you in kacash. toyota. let's go places. >> and he's not pulling any the all-new rav4. punches. >> as low as 10 cents on the dlaur. ♪ >> i'm happy harry. welcome to quality liquidators. protect your pets from fleas and ticks i trust everybody. with frontline plus for dogs i make everybody happy! and frontline plus for cats. >> hello. its two killer ingredients work fast oh, hey, fred, i need your help. and keep working all month long >> are you talking to me? >> i really need your help. preventing new flea infestations on your pet. my owner lost his truck and his credit in a divorce. now he can't take me to the park frontline plus. anymore. >> that's right, fred. >> no problem. the number 1 name in flea and tick protection. i can finance you. if i can finance him i can finance you. >> jimmy: that guy -- [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: the gentleman who sai vill, i will finance you. fred was the second person i interviewed on the radio, the

first fighter leon spinks. heavyweight champion of the world! [cheers and applause] . that's right. fred, sadly, was unable to attend. thank you for coming, leon. i lived in las vegas from age 9 to 18. i had a fewer jockbs. i worked cleaning up fish. i delivered pizza. the best stuff in vegas happens . hey, everybody, this is in the middle of the night. so i decided to take a part time job working the late shift as a e jarr. driver. before you see this, know that i have a terrible sense of direction. i never know where i'm going. tomorrow, music from iggy azalea, and jimmy's going to a lot of those pizzas i make cousin sal, guillermo delivered were cold when i showed up. but wit lyft.

here we go, everybody. aunt chip epy do the zip line. ♪ the i got a customer. welcome back the jimmy, we love you, man. [cheers and applause] yeah. it says ashley. ashley's at the travelodge. let's see. i think i'm going to have to make a left. where could that be? i got to go straight now. it's telling me. oh, [ bleep ]. i'm not going to be able to go yoooh, hello yellow! at ross and you find... straight. this is bad, guys. i'm going to have to jump over yes! that's yes for less. here and make a left. spring forward with the latest brand-name styles yeah, it's telling me to make at 20 to 60 percent off department store prices. the next left, and there's a little man figure standing at ross. yes for less. there, but it's also confusing. now it's telling me to go back the i hope they saw this sign that says "expect delays". well, you're warned. i'm the worst lyft driver. hi, ashley, how are you doing? >> good. we have been watching you the

whole time. >> jimmy: oh, trying to find me? this is my first day. >> hey, jimmy kim. >> honey, i now who you are. >> jimmy: you do? okay. >> i was like, why is he, if he had went straight you would have been here by now. >> jimmy: you are like, there goes that idiot. >> there goes his it $2 tip. >> jimmy: where are you guys headed? >> to the luxe. what brings you to vegas? >> jimmy: i picked up a side job just for fun. and you find the same style you knoyou saw there... ross >> just for fun. we're going in the exact ...here? that's yes for less. opposite direction of the luxer. yes! say yes to those spring trends you love, so weary goi're going wherever e at 2at ross.percenof yes for less. us. >> jimmy: we'll show people where we don't normally get to see. >> all right, honey, let's do it. >> jimmy: passing caesar's

palace. >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live i used to bowl at the gold concert series in las vegas is coast. presented by mercedes benz, the if you want water, i have water best or nothing. >> jimmy: i want to thank kevin and gum u a. hart. i also have shrimp. thanks to carrot top. apologies to matt damon. "nightline" is next, but first, the song is called "here with i have cocktail sauce and me." everything. this beautiful area is very here with some help from chvrches. marshmello! close to where i, i was raised. >> did you steal from the burger king at se point? [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ can i tell you something >> jimmy: no, never really stole just between you and me when i hear your voice i know i'm finally free ♪ anything. i will say my band leader cleto. ♪ every single word is every time we went out we would perfect as it can be stop in an adult book store and he would steal something. and i need you >> but at an adult bookstore. here with me ♪ >> jimmy: yeah, and he would ♪ when you lift me up steal like a giant sex toy. and somehow he'd get it into his i know that pants and smuggle it out. i'll never fall and even we didn't know he had i can speak to you ♪ it. ♪ by saying nothing at all >> your bandleader. >> jimmy: yes. every single time i find >> this man ended up in prison. it harder to breathe 'cause i need you ♪ >> jimmy: no, he ended up on television. this walgreen's was where i ♪ here with me worked. clhing srei wen to church down everyday you're saying the words that

i want you to say ♪ that. my friend tommy perello lived ♪ there's a pain in my heart and it won't go away here. my friend jimmy lived here. now i know i'm falling in deep ♪ there's so many foot spas now in ♪ 'cause i need you my neighborhood. it's crazy >> this is chinatown. here with me >> jimmy: this is chinatown now. everyday you're saying you guys didn't know i was the words that ♪ chinese. >> yeah, shocker. ♪ i want you to say >> jimmy: this is my junior high there's a pain in my heart school. >> to the left? and it won't go away >> jimmy: yeah, this is kenny g now i know ♪ ♪ i'm falling in deep 'cause i need you here with me i think i see your face ♪ guinn june year high school. ♪ in every place that i go i played the clarinet. it drove the women crazy. i try to hide it but i got, and i pointed i know that it's gonna show every single night ♪ ♪ i find it harder to sleep that out, and he was mad. and he beat the crap out of me. 'cause i need you here with me this is my house, right here. everyday you're saying ♪ >> oh, wow. >> jimmy: i grew up right there. yeah. what time is it right now? ♪ the words that i want you to say >> 1:30 a.m.

>> jimmy: well, they're probably there's a pain in my up, right? heart and it ♪ ♪ won't go away let's ring the bell and see what now i know happens. >> it looks like somebody walked i'm falling in deep out the door. >> jimmy: oh, good, there is 'cause i need you ♪ somebody here. how's it going? ♪ here with me everyday you're saying i'm jimmy kimplmel. the words that i want you to say ♪ ♪ there's a pain in my heart and it won't go away >> i know that. >> jimmy: i used to live here. >> i heard that. now i know ♪ >> jimmy: can we come in? >> it's a little messy. ♪ i'm falling in deep >> jimmy: it was a mess when i 'cause i need you lived here. here with me you are want to go in? it seems smaller, you know? can i tell you ♪ our tv was over here and the couch was over there. ♪ something just between and i iced to stand up there. you and me that was my room right there. when i hear your voice this story is probably too dirty i know i'm finally free ♪ for television, but i went to the video time and rented a ♪ every single word porno, and i was very excited. is perfect as it can be 'cause i need you and, and i put it in the vcr. here with me ♪ it was the only one. it was down here, and i put it in, and it made so much noise. ♪ [cheers and applause] and i just sensed something is off, something is wrong.

and i slowly turn around and i realize my mother's sleeping right here. and i q zejecthe thing, the tap heart pounding. . this is "nightline." do you still have a pool in the tonight, mystery solved? back yard? >> yeah. >> jimmy: come on out and see timothy pitzen vanished eight the pool. i spent many hours in this pool. years ago. his case making national why do you have a car door with headlines. now a teenaged boy says he's bullet holes in it? timothy and tells a dramatic you're not a mafia target or story of his kidnapping and anything like that? >> no. >> jimmy: okay. escape. could this really be the lost someone crashed through this boy now found? wall and died here in our back plus. >> pay for my tuition, lori. yard. i was in this bedroom right >> cheating scandal. here. i didn't even hear it. from the red carpet to the i slept through the whole thing. did you know somebody died in courthouse. felicity huffman and lori your yard? >> no. laughlin appearing in federal no. >> jimmy: somebody died in your yard. court, among dozens accused of how well do you know your cheating to get their kids into roommate? >> pretty well. elite colleges. >> jimmy: let'svit'. and nipsey hussle.

because he's in my room, from gang technically. >> hey, you might wramts ant to the door, there's somebody you might want to meet. >> jimmy: did you know i grew up in this room? >> i heard rumors of it. >> jimmy: can i come in? >> all right. >> jimmy: it's much hipper than it was when i lived here, that's for sure. this is where i learned to enjoy my penis. right there in that area where your dresser is now. do you ever sense my spirit in here or anything like that? >> not until today. >> jimmy: all right, you can go back to bed. thanks for letting us in my room. >> it was a pleasure to meet you. i'm sorry i couldn't be more wakeful. >> jimmy: thanks, guys. thanks for letting us in in the middle of the night. i wonder where donnie & marie live. i'd like to go wake them up. >> jimmy, this has been fun. this has been an absolute delight. >> jimmy: i'm glad you guys had fun. i feel like if i had taken my

kids on this tour or something like this, they would have had no interest in it whatsoever. >> because they're your kids. joi . >> jimmy: because it was so weird you were interested. in a way, we were the perfect team. we didn't go a direct route, but i god got you to destination. a tip, that's nice. you owe me $385. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: tonight on the show, we have music from marshmello featuring churches, and we'll be right back with kevin hart here on the las vegas strip. ♪ on the las vegas strip. ♪ [cheer banapaby i'm not even in♪ ♪ and the only thing u have to say is wow ♪ ♪ make you're jaw drop drop say oh my drop drop drop ♪

♪ make u say oh my god my drop drop ♪ ♪ make you're jaw drop make u say oh my god ♪ ♪ and you never felt this type of emotion ♪ ♪ make you're jaw drop drop say oh my drop drop drop ♪ ♪ make u say oh my god my drop drop ♪ ♪ make you're jaw drop make u say oh my god ♪ ( ♪ ) man: you can do this! grab those command picture hanging strips and let's make it work. they're tool free and they hold strong. oh, rustic chic! an arrow angled to point at rustic chic. hmm, may i be honest here? let's take that down, damage free, with a stretch, remove... and look: no marks, no mess. like a pro. command. do. no harm. like a pro. with the most lobster dishes lobsterfesof the yearred lobster like lobster lover's dream and new ultimate lobsterfest surf and turf. so come lobsterfest today!

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♪ ♪ what your daddy wouldn't do for kicks ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to the show here in las vegas. we have a special guest sitting in with the cletones, a las vegas legend, the great jerry lopez. he played in santa fe. jerry lopez will be with us all night tonight. >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: also tonight, this song is called "here with me." marshmello with churches. they have quite a show planned for us. tomorrow night on the

surprise or two. are you holding up? are you all right? >> i feel terrible. >> jimmy: i'm a little concerned. we saw the video of you singing karaoke, taking your shirt off again, but this is a photograph that was taken about an hour later. and this is guillermo in the casino, passed out in front of a slot machine. it's not -- >> i don't remember that! i swear to god, i don't remember that. >> jimmy: right, you know why? you're unconscious. that's why. >> crazy. >> jimmy: oh, boy, when does your wife get here? >> uh, ah, i think friday. >> jimmy: you think friday, good. we are halfway through the week. guillermo's almost done.

our next guest is a please say hello to kevin hart! [cheers and applause] ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: very good to see you, kevin. thank you forcoming. d plse>> thank >> jimmy: it's kind of funny, because for us, it's a huge group. this is a smaller crowd than you're used to. >> comedy club. >> jimmy: yeah, it's like a

comedy club. >> no, you guys are amazing. thank you so much, man. i appreciate it. >> jimmy: when was the last time you went to your childhood home? have you done that thing where you go in and visit the people? >> no. if i do that where i'm from, i'll get punched in the damn face. i can't just run up in somebody home where i'm from. i went there, i actually took my kids to my childhood home. i was trying to teach a lesson, have a great parenting moment, and i was like, i want to show you the difference in how you guys are coming up and how your dad was raised. so we go to philadelphia, i'm going to take you to my -- shouts out to phila you'r philadelphians --. i take them to where i grew up, and i'm expecting a reaction like oh, my god, dad, this is crazy, i can't believe you lived here. instead, this is so cool! i want to live here.

shut up! listen to me. it's not lesson that i'm tryin', look, this was tough for me. no, we want to stay here, let's stay the night. everything in the car, lesson's over. forget it, forget it. >> jimmy: how often do you come to las vegas, pretty regularly, right? >> not as often as i used to. you know. vegas hasn't been so good to me. >> jimmy: why do you say that? >> not as much. i got in some damn vegas. i keep my ass out of vegas. >> jimmy: you're not allowed to come anymore? >> no, sir. no, sir. i'm still shaking. i'm lookin' over my back every two seconds, hey, what you doin'? no, vegas, vegas is fun, but i think as you getder, vegas changes for you. i got a little older, man, and i done lost so much [ bleep ] money. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, that's one of the biggest problems for me, looking

at it and saying, i done gave them a lot of money for no reason at all. >> jimmy: what do you play? >> i play blackjack. i like blackjack. i like to play poker. if you guys go to some of the casinos i've been you'll actually see where my losses have went. i think at this cosmopolitan, i'm responsible for the chandelier. i deaf fifthfinitely put that u. >> jimmy: i wondered why your face was on it. >> yeah. yeah. that's me. at arhea, they've walls and carpet. i'm interior decorating. >> jimmy: why do you think it is? you're probably overall a very your business. ecific habit.

>> jimmy: have you ever bet so much that you've been really nervous? >> yeah, every [ bleep ]. yeah. every, every bet. i'm going to tell you one of the worst things that happened to me. >> jimmy: okay. >> i'm having like a phenomenal shoot, for those people who play blackjack, a shoe is a deck of cards. you're going through it, and it's just going great. i'm hot. and there's a hand where i get like two eights. and i bit, you know, i bet a ridiculous amount of money on the hand, and i'm like, all right, i got to split that. i'm talkin' to myself. >> jimmy: what does the dealer have? >> the dealer had a six showin', six showin', i'll never forget this. i got two eights, and i was like i got to split them. and i got another eight, and i was like, hey, scared money don't make no money. let's go. i'm so excited. i split them. gym m

gimme. little piece of poop came out my butt. at this point i'm extremely nervous, because i've never seen anything like this. but it's people around, so i'm trying to play it cool. i'm like, hey, hey, all right, what we got to do now? hit that, hit the first one, a three come out. the dealer looks at me, she's like, you got to double down. and i'm like, yeah, i know, i know. i got to doublie down. she said do you want to see it face up or face down? >> i said i want to see it, i want to see it. she put it down. the next one comes out. it's a two. so now i got a ten. she goes oh, my god. you got to i said i don't want to see it. face down. i got 18. on the dealer had a six showing.

all right, here we go. it's go time. the dealer turns over the card underneath it. in slow motion. it was, i saw it. it was a five! i said auh, uh, you got to be [ bleep ]. oh, oh, not like this. not like this. i'm like, go slow, go slow, go slow. dealers, you know, dealers are fast to the point where you can't count. you ever try to add it up but you don't know where you're at? i know there's a five out there. she had a five, real fast, it was a three, i was like, oh, e o oh, oh, oh, what was that? i was like count that. you got 14. go slow, go slow. real fast, ace, ace. oh, my god! what's going on? what you got? 15! like slow motion.

i've never seen anything like it if my life. real fast, what? six! 21! she took the money. she didn't even look me in the eye. she said, i just sat there. i kept kourptsicounting it. i was like, hold on. 11 plus three, you got an ace, ace. hold on, wait a second. all right. what i have? what are these? what do i have? lift all that up. that's nothing? none of this is nothing, huh? here's what pissed me off. there's a guy behind me. he goes, man, that's [ bleep ] crazy, ain't it? i was so pissed, so pissed off. that was the longest walk to my room i've ever had. >> jimmy: maybe it's best you're

not allowed to come back. we'll be right back! ♪ >> dicky: portions of jimmy kimmel live in las vegas are brought to you by ciroc vodka. dad!! can you drive me to jessica's house? ♪ at northwestern mutual, this is what our version of financial planning looks like. tomorrow is important, but so is making the most of the house before they're out of the house. spend your life living. find an advisor at northwesternmutual.com. pringles wavy. with a big new crunch and totally different flavors, they're not really pringles. just like that's not really daddy. yes it is. ok. new pringles wavy. they're not, not pringles. we put it to the ultimate test. leakguard technology, ♪

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you know wlize you can totally eat out more? that's yes for less. get the latest spring trends for your home at 20 to 60 percent off specialty store prices. at ross. yes for less. i went out. i bought a mirror, put it on my ceiling for no reason at all. it was a tuesday. true story. you don't do [ bleep ] like that on a tuesday. that's a weekend move.

it was all good until i caught a reflection in that mirror while we were [ bleep ]. let me tell you, people, whatever you think you look like when you [ bleep ], you don't look like that. i'm talking about an unexpected glance at myself [ bleep ] in the mirror. i have never been more disgusted with myself as a man until i saw the bottom of my [ bleep ] my feet, where was i at? >> jimmy: it's very funny. it's very dirty. this is not for the secret life of pets two crowd. >> no. no. no. it's a little raunchy. i would say rated r plus r, it is. >> jimmy: one of the things i loved and really i was wondering about. you disclosed your wife's porn search history. >> yeah.

yeah. >> jimmy: now how does that work? do you tell her, like hey, i, there's something i want to talk about on stage? >> mm-hm. >> jimmy: let me know how you feel about it? >> no. >> jimmy: no? >> no, that's not how it happens at all. i don't say a damn thing at all. i just do it. >> jimmy: you just do it. >> she found out when she came to the comedy show what happened. that was a tough time for my. that was a tough situation in the household. because, you know, i forgot we were just having a conversation. it was a random conversation. >> jimmy: mm-hm. >> and through the random conversation, i was like, do you watch porn? she was like, pourn from time to time. i was like, get out of here, what do you watch? porn. let me see your stuff? let me see the [ bleep ]. and she showed me. it really hurt me. it did a number. it did a number. it did a hell of a number on me.

because it was so different from what i am. it was so, everything was big. everything. everything. tall. everybody was tall. i got mad. what is this? what is this? she's like what? i like that stuff. oh, my heart. we're very open and honest. i love the discussions that we have. that's the beauty of standup comedy when done correctly. honesty and authenticity is what people can respond to. you want to laugh at what you can relate to and believe. putting my life out there in full is what i do and what i've been doing. >> jimmy: right. what about the kids, d thethk a ct thath ds the s malicious. and it's all done from my point of view. it's the way i see myself in certain situations. the jokes about my kids, you

know, first of all, they don't have a say-so or a choice. >> jimmy: right. >> they live a very good life. so you're going to shut up and take this punishment until you get old enough to defend yourself. and, and the biggest thing for me is talking to them about the jokes that i'm developing around them. and getting their feedback on it, like, you know, when i was doing the j doing the joke about my daughter. my daughter's 14 now. one of my favorite jokes in here is the way that i handle my daughter having her first period. it was like the craziest thing for me, and i don't want to give up too much. >> jimmy: you were very prepared for it. very prepared. >> i was eremely unprepared bu it's a ally hn. an kno i n that situation where you think you know what to do until it arrives. and it was just the complete opposite, you know? i ended up telling my daughter

to, to go drink a gallon of milk, hurry up. it was so random, because i didn't know. i was nervous. hurry up. drink some milk. it will stop it. it will stop everything, you know? what? what? it will stop it. it will freeze it up. it will freeze it up. >> jimmy: i think that's for hot sauce. >> i had no idea where it came from. but, you know, through panicking is your some of the most fun comes from. >> jimmy: you're turning 40 in july. >> i am, man. >> jimmy: do you have a big thing planned? >> no. >> jimmy: nothing planned? >> no, i'm not it's over. >> jimmy: is it over? >> there's the other side of fun. you look at tonight's the night. it's going to be crazy. when i saw that video of you and you're laying on the caso chai, oldld kevin.

>> no. no. you are. there's a certain point, there's a certain point where you got to look in the mirror and go, what am i doing? what am i doing? and i've drank. i've tried to do the younger version of myself has done in the past. and it's not gone over well. like i can't handle it. so for my 40th, i'm giving myself honesty. i want to sit down and watch a movie. leave me alone. [ applause ] i don't want to do anything else. i don't need anything else. i am comfortable with nothing. i don't need a celebration at all. >> jimmy: in other words, hint, hint, you want a surprise party. >> that's always a reason to fear, throw a b party and nobody's showing up. >> jimmy: everybody's invited to kevin's birthday party. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: we're going to watch a movie. the secret life of pets two. >> that's going to be my party.

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