Skip to main content

tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  April 12, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

11:35 pm
we hope you have a great weekend. right now, >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight -- bill hader. from "little", regina hall. and music from gunna. and now, the coast is clear, jimmy kimmel. ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everyone. welcome. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. thank you for joining us on -- i should say after. it turned out to be a rare
11:36 pm
weekend of good news for the president of the united states. the mueller report has been delivered. after all the accusations of it being a witch hunt, robert mueller and his 13 angry democrats did not come to a conclusion of collusion, according to trump's newly appointed attorney general. no one has actually seen the mueller report. even trump's team hasn't seen it all yet. but going from the summary the attorney general released this weekend, there will be no new charges, and now the process of tearing our country even further apart can finally begin. the president, of course, was very excited. he took his celebration to twitter. he wrote "no collusion, no obstruction. complete and total exoneration. keep america great." that's right. learn to spell exoneration and total exoneration, except from this from robert mueller who wrote "while this report does not conclude that the president committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him." i bet trump didn't even make it to the end of that sentence. while this report does not conclude the president committed a crime.
11:37 pm
okay, i'm done. i'm good. all i know is i haven't been this confused about an ending since the series finale of "lost." it's kind of funny, though. half of america is upset that our president didn't collude with russia. it seems like we should probably be happy about that, shouldn't we? and deep down didn't we know trump probably didn't collude with russia because he could probably never pull that off. and even if he did collude, it probably would have been by accident. putin wanted him in there. trump got in the white house the same way lori loughlin got her kid into usc. with that said, make no mistake. this was a bigly victory for the president, and there was much celebration in the trump camp last night. i hear kellyanne conway drank the blood of an entire goat last night. that's right. the only way trump could be happier with his mueller report is if a porn star rolled it up and spanked him with it.
11:38 pm
>> this was an illegal takedown that failed. and hopefully somebody's going to be looking at the other side. so it's complete exoneration. no collusion, no obstruction. thank you very much. >> jimmy: and now if you'll excuse me, i'm off to visit my campaign manager in prison. so far as a result of this investigation, 37 people and entities have been charged with a total of 199 criminal counts and five people have been sentenced to prison. but for the president, who cares. he was off to the golf course to play golf with his favorite kid, that being kid rock. who posted this incredible photo to twitter. sorry, betsy ross. those are the kind of pants you wear to get shot out of a cannon. this photo to me looks like a billboard for a sitcom about a used car salesman that has to move into his dad's nursing home after a messy divorce. you know the country is nuts when the president spends the
11:39 pm
weekend hanging out with kid rock. it's not even close to being the lead story, but the president is very, very maganimous today. after all the things he said about robert mueller, today he said he thinks mueller acted honorably. he also said it wouldn't bother him at all if the attorney general releases the full mueller report. i think he said that about his taxes too. so we'll see. this is a weird one. you know, campbell news was really scrambling this week. they've been waiting two years for this report. and so it was probably no coincidence the attorney general dropped the story friday night after everyone went home from work. but this was the tweet from cnn. the caption says "on the evening robert mueller submitted his report to the justice department, president trump was on the tiled patio of mar-a-lago, bathed in golden light with his wife and son baron, who had reached teenagerhood two days earlier." who is writing their tweets? judy blum? since they went above 140
11:40 pm
characters. so sarah huckleberry sanders bathed in the glow this morning and sat down for a little yell at savannah guthrie. >> the president has absolutely eviscerated bob mueller. did bob mueller deserve better from the president than this kind of language and behavior? >> frankly, i think the american people deserved better. they didn't deserve for the election of this president to try to be taken down. >> wait a minute. the president's rhetoric about a public servant doing a job. >> are you kidding? the president's rhetoric matches literally the media and democrats have called the president an agent of a foreign government. >> wait, wait, wait -- >> that is an accusation equal to treason which is punishable by death in this country. >> jimmy: what? off with chuck schumer's head! punishable by death. calm down, king joffrey. nothing is punishable by death. mike pence spoke at apac this morning where he gave the
11:41 pm
report. >> yesterday was a great day for our country, our president and every american who cherishes the truth. >> jimmy: look at how -- look at how bummed he is. he is so disappointed right now. he's like i could have been president. now all i have left is this space force. and as if trump didn't have enough to celebrate, michael avenatti, the former lawyer of stormy daniels was arrested and charged with multiple crimes today, the day -- he was charged by prosecutors in new york and california with extortion and wire and bank fraud. he's accused of trying to extort $25 million from nike and embezzling money from a client. he also allegedly used fake tax returns to get millions of dollars in loans from a bank. here is my hope on this whole thing. i hope he hires rudy giuliani to represent him. wouldn't that be fun? it really is astonishing the day after trump skates on collusion,
11:42 pm
michael avenatti is arrested. i mean all they have to do now is replace the bald eagle with a fried chicken. this will be the best week of the president's life. in other news, this is -- this is such a great video. this is from the local cbs affiliate in colorado springs. and watch this, because this is the kind of thing that if you didn't know it was real, you might think it was a comedy bit. >> a trash bag full of fake gear ditched on a long stretch of highway in the middle of nowhere. so they get these from a paint ball company. >> this is more than just a costume. they also found a real gun. >> an actual gun that was in the cocked position when i found it on the side of the road. >> the dea has already come to pick up the gear and interview the family. >> going to fill in the information on a case that they're working. >> jimmy: that's his fault. that's on him. he should not have moved. anyway, if you know any -- if
11:43 pm
you know any blur guys looking for a gig, there is job opening in colorado. one of the most color players in football, rob gronkowski of the new england patriots announced his retirement yesterday. there he is. he wants to spend more time with his family, smashing beer cans on their heads. he released a statement. this is an interesting statement. it said simply, "me gronk. gronk tired. gronk no more football, gronk." congratulations to him. i hope -- i hope he finally gets some time to relax and cut loose, you know? congratulations also in order for the gonzaga bulldogs who advance to the sweet 16 for the fifth consecutive year, despite the fact that gonzaga is a totally imaginary place. so last week on the show i put forward a theory that gonzaga does not in fact exist. and that is causing a bit of consternation up in washington state, where they say it does.
11:44 pm
people in spokane are confused, which is understandable. you live in a place you think something is, and then you find out it isn't. you know, it challenges everything. so some local news outlets now are pushing back, including our own local abc affiliate, kxly in spokane. >> kimmel tried to use our coverage as further proof gonzaga is not real. >> ncaa tournament appearance. >> jimmy: look at that bustling totally real campus. they're obviously extras in front of a green screen. >> well, kimmel clearly didn't see this video of a much more bustling campus and clearly hasn't talked to gonzaga grads like myself who sat through four years of very real classes on a very real campus. >> jimmy: and very -- notice she said very real. listen, things are either real or they aren't real. it's like being dead or very dead. either way, you're dead. so we also got some blowback from a show called "good day spokane." >> my favorite, though, honestly of all of that is in one of his videos that he did just last
11:45 pm
night, he's like yeah, they want me to come to spokane. next thing you know, i'm going to end up in a field without any luggage. >> jimmy kimmel, everybody. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i've been saying exactly. i'm starting to question if these people are even real. i even got a message from the dean of the gonzaga law school and the state attorney general and some alleged students. >> hey, jimmy, i'm dean of gonzaga law school, and i'm here with the real bob ferguson, attorney general of the state of washington. >> jimmy: wait a minute, that's a attorney general of the state of washington? with a troll doll on his head? no wonder they legalized marijuana first. anyway, continue. >> jmy, ansoucfo responding to my tweet. and you asked us a challenge. you asked us to swear on a stack of bibles and put our hand in the air that gonzaga university is real. we're going to do you one better. we've got some real gonzaga university law students who are going to take the oath instead of us. are you ready?
11:46 pm
>> let's do this. >> hands in the air, everybody, we've got a real bible, jimmy. here we go. i am a real student. >> i am a real student. >> with real student debt. >> with real student debt. >> jimmy: that is the saddest -- first of all, one of them called it gonzaga. the others said gon-zayga. you can't even keep your fake name straight. and that stack of bibles you sworn on, wasn't a stack. >> we have a real bible, jimmy. here we go. >> jimmy: in fact, not only is it not a stack. it's not even a bible. look at what they're swearing on, the hcrfc. i want to mention, this is what you get when -- this is real when you type the words does gonzaga into google, the first thing does gonzaga exist. the answer to that question, you don't need google, is no, it does not. and stop telling me bing crosby went there.
11:47 pm
i don't even know for sure bing crosby exists, okay? wasn't he a friend of santa claus or something? we got a call over the week. i'm trying to stay open minded on this. we got call from the chancellor of the university. he asked to speak on air. and to be fair, i said yeah, okay. we have him with us live via satellite from gonzaga. so let's say hello to chancellor aga. chancellor aga, hello. hi, chancellor. >> hello there, jimmy, it's me, gonzo-aga, the chancellor of gonzaga. >> jimmy: wait a minute, your name is gonzo aga? >> dr. gonzo aga. >> jimmy: that's your real birth name? >> it's as real as the herpes i contracted in our gymnasium jacuzzi. >> jimmy: that sounds unfortunate, doctor. that really sounds terrible. >> it's fine. i've got a little contest going.
11:48 pm
my herpes are fighting my gonorrhea, or as we call it, gonzaga-rhea. >> jimmy: as i'm sure you heard, i don't believe gonzaga is a real place. i think it's a made up place designed to win basketball tournaments. how do you respond to that? >> well, if gonzaga isn't a real university, how could i be the chancellor of it? that makes no sense. and you know what else makes no sense? a cat knowing how to play the keyboard, though it does make me chuckle, jim. that really does. that puss is just a hoot. >> jimmy: it seems like you're changing the subject, chancellor. there any way you can prove to us gonzaga is in fact real? >> isn't me being alive and pretending to be chancellor -- >> jimmy: to what? pretend to be the chancellor? >> i'm sorry. i mean being at gonzaga, not pretending. >> jimmy: yeah, it sounded like you said pretending. >> we all make -- >> jimmy: yeah. yeah. >> oh, who am i kidding.
11:49 pm
gonzaga isn't real. it's faker than a tofurkey. >> jimmy: see? i knew it, i knew it. >> nothing here is real, jimmy. the students, the teachers, the whole [ bleep ] place, the [ bleep ], it's all fake. >> jimmy: your office is fake? oh, your office is fake. where are you right now? >> i'm actually sitting in the basement of a fuddruckers. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. well, that is shocking. >> and you know what else isn't real? >> jimmy: no. >> eskimos. >> jimmy: what? >> there is no such thing. they made them up to sell pies. >> jimmy: you know, i always was suspicious of the eskimos. well, thank you so much for shedding light on this chancellor -- whatever your real name. what is your real name? >> it's jennifer. >> jimmy: oh, all right. thank you, jennifer. >> go zags! >> jimmy: we don't know who. that's jennifer.
11:50 pm
we have a great show tonight. we have music from gunna. regina hall is here, and we'll be right back with bill hader. ♪ chas we can go down this waterfall, honey. . abc's jimmy kimmel live brought to you by northwestern mutual. hing. ♪ at northwestern mutual, this is what our version of financial planning looks like. tomorrow is important, but she's only seven once. spend your life living. find an advisor at northwesternmutual.com. we'd love some help with laundry. spray and scrub anything with a stain. wash the really dirty clothes separately. neolog unleash a foolproof clean inste. separately. aw tryog
11:51 pm
it's got to be tide. we want your sandwich to arrive freaky fresh®, so we only deliver within 5 minutes of our stores. and not... farther. ...he's new. order at jimmyjohns.com. because sandwich. nexgard chew comes power, confidence, reassurance you're doing what's right to protect your dog from fleas and ticks for a full month. this one little nexgard chew is the #1 vet recommended protection. and it's the only chew fda approved to prevent infections that cause lyme disease. plus, it's safe for puppies. there's a lot of power in this one little nexgard chew. nexgard.
11:52 pm
what one little chew can do. the savings add up!... nexgard. with 25% off select under armour and adidas! save on women's under armour tops... and men's under armour tees - only $18.75. and - men's adidas shoes are just $48.74. plus - get kohl's cash! right now... at kohl's. no. hvr dips. you either love it or you really love it. i switched to chevy. i switched to chevy. we switched to chevy. i switched from ram to chevy. see why people are switching to chevy.
11:53 pm
we love our chevy. why did we switch? just look at it. switch into a new chevy today. current competitive owners get 20% below msrp on most equinox models when financing with gm financial. that's over eight thousand dollars on this equinox. on most equinox models when financing with gm financial. a little time wand nowfavorite people goeat denny's,y. $6.99 goes a long way too. you can get 2 eggs, 3 sausage links, 3 strips of bacon and 2 buttermilk pancakes all for just $6.99. the new meat lovers slam is here. see you at denny's. (dad) this i(mom)eam cake needs a freezefreezer's full. (vo) only frigidaire's custom flex temp drawer can switch from
11:54 pm
fridge to freezer. (son) nice save! (vo) that's using your frigidaire. ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back tonight from "black monday" on showtime and the movie "little," regina hall is here. and then this is his album. gunna from the mercedes-benz stage. gunna from the mercedes-benz stage. you can see gunna live on tour, starting sunday in anaheim. tomorrow, david harbour will be here. science bob pflugfelder will join us. we'll have music from
11:55 pm
rodrigo y gabriela, and later this week, matthew mcconaughey and snoop dogg, colin farrell, justin turner, marsay martin, plus music from billie eilish and durand jones and the indications. our first guest tonight is a multi-emmy winning performer who has gifted this nation with some of our most beloved characters of all time. on sunday, the season premiere of his widely-celebrated show "barry" airs on hbo. please say hello to bill hader. [ cheering and applause ] ♪ >> ah, man, men in black. >> jimmy: i know you only brought one suit, but i have a hundred suits upstairs. >> what are we thinking. >> jimmy: nobody said you're dressed exactly like bill. maybe change the tie.
11:56 pm
>> well, i took off my fedora and sunglasses at least. i was about to come out as the blues brothers. >> jimmy: where is my harmonica. which blues brothers would we be? >> you just picked one, right? >> jimmy: hey, i'm excited about "barry" coming back. i love the show. honestly, do i love it. [ applause ] are you finished shooting the whole season? >> no, no. we're in a post production right now. >> jimmy: post production. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's like what happens after the show is over. you used to work in post production. >> yeah, i used to work in post production. i was the post p.a. i used to bring the editors food and coffee and stuff. and i worked on a show called "the surreal life." you remember "the surreal life" where they plugged a bunch of celebrities and put them in a house. >> jimmy: yes, indeed. celebrities in the house. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: on one hand you're a celebrity. >> on the other hand you're on "surreal life." we had corey feldman, and he got married.
11:57 pm
i was so bummed out, because i like reality shows. and then it was like when i realized reality shows were fake, i was that dumb. i was like 20. wait, what? they don't like each other? what? because they had this moment where corey feldman, i was -- and the editor was watching this. this thing with corey feldman, and he was getting a -- he was crying. [ laughter ] and he was going like i'm just -- i'm just so worried that everything that's going on with me right now, and i -- i don't know what's going to happen. and i'm really worried. and i could hear the producer off camera go "that was great, cory. can you just say this weekend?" what? no problem. this weekend. and i was like what? no!
11:58 pm
>> jimmy: what other shows did you work on when you were doing that kind of stuff? >> i worked on "scorpion king". >> jimmy: oh, the with the rock. and invented life with james franco. james franco, the first time he hosted "snl." and we were in the room where we met each other. and he looked at me and hey, man, weren't you on -- you were a p.a., right? but on that show, there is this funny show. a p.a.s, we don't hang out. and there is this guy named big -- i was little bill on that show because there was big bill. he is 6'7". and this other guy named jason altieri. jason had this giant bowie life like a rambo knife, and he was hitting a tree with it. this is what we would do. this is hollywood, guys. >> jimmy: you're practicing editing. >> he is editing, yeah. editing. >> jimmy: the old-fashioned way.
11:59 pm
>> this is the way they did it on "gone with the wind." you got to get your editing thing together, your editing arm down. so he was cutting this thing and we were laughing, and bill comes over. hey, this is the cigarette. you really should stop messing with the knife and jay went eh, eh. and he said hey, don't do that. and he walked away. and bucky our prop guy came over. and he said hey, i've got that exact same knife, but it's retractible. it's fake. so he gets the fake one. he is doing this. and it's one of those things where we waited like an hour. like you couldn't go hey, bill, come over here. you had to be like he has to just walk over. so we're waiting for an hour, and jay is like is he over or not? come on. finally bill comes over. finally you're still messing with the knife? stop messing with the knife. i told you, don't do it? and he stuck him right in the chest. and bill went why!
12:00 am
[ laughter ] he thought he was murdered. he legit thought he just got murdered. and we were oh, we were laughing so hard. why! call his parents to tell his final words. what did bill say? wait, wait until you hear what he said. he yelled "why." >> jimmy: oh, that's good. oh, boy. >> that is the funniest thing i've ever seen. >> jimmy: you're in the sequel to "it" right? the stephen king thing. >> "it 2." >> is it called "it 2". >> it too? do you ply a clown? [ laughter ]
12:01 am
>> i'm the new sewer clown. i'm like the girl sewer clown. i'm like come on. leather jacket on. hey, penny-wise, hey, hey, it's me, your brother. hey, let's go take some kids out, eh? everyone is boo. no, i'm fin, richie the kid with the glasses, i'm him. >> jimmy: oh, older. interesting. are you a big stephen king fan in general? >> yeah, i did like stephen king. you know what? his books got -- i loved them when i was in high school. i still read his books, but they're super long. >> jimmy: right. >> they're really long! >> jimmy: he just writes and writes and writes. >> it 2 is a thousand pages. and then you read interviews with him, i was on a lot of cocaine, you know. and you could tell in the movie. we're all here because a guy. >> jimmy: how can you tell
12:02 am
exactly? what are the signs? [ laughter ] >> talking like this, faster, faster, dialogue, faster. no, but he -- his books, his books, i don't like descriptions of food. >> jimmy: really? >> and it's five pages of things to not like. do you like descriptions of food? >> jimmy: if i'm going to eat it, yeah. >> but the you're reading a book and instead of he ate a cheeseburger. >> jimmy: never gave it a thought, really. why? does he go into too much detail? >> yeah, he always says the same thing. he ate the chili cheeseburger, you know, the kind of burger when you eat it, the chili run downs your chin. and then he ate the eggs, you know, the kind of eggs when -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: in three. >> i know. >> jimmy: you outed him, i outed him as a coke addict. >> jimmy: what's next?
12:03 am
when we come back, the third shocking revelation about stephen king from the mouth of bill hader. we'll be right back. we don't just make cars... we make technology that moves people ♪ this is the 2019 nissan rogue featuring tech like propilot assist it helps keep you centered in your lane ♪ and in control this is how nissan intelligent mobility is reinventing driving- for everyone. now the most exciting tech you own is in your driveway
12:04 am
i'm not picking it up. you pick it up! i'm not picking it up. i'll pick it up! they're clean! ♪'cuz my hiney's clean.♪ ♪oh yeah i'm charmin clean.♪ charmin ultra strong just cleans better. enjoy the go with charmin. hey, who are you? oh, hey jeff, i'm a car thief... what?! i'm here to steal your car because, well, that's my job. what? what?? what?! (laughing) what?? what?! what?! [crash] what?! haha, it happens. and if you've got cut-rate car insurance, paying for this could feel like getting robbed twice. so get allstate... and be better protected from mayhem... like me. ♪
12:05 am
i've slain your dreaded dragon. for saving the kingdom what doth thou desire? my lord? hey good knight. where are you going? ♪ ♪ climbing up on solsbury hill ♪ grab your things, salutations. coffee that is a cup above is always worth the quest. nespresso. tis all i desire. did thou bring enough for the whole kingdom? george: nespresso, what else? i can customize each line for each family member? yup. and since it comes with your internet, you can switch wireless carriers, and save hundreds of dollars a year. are you pullin' my leg? nope.
12:06 am
you sure you're not pullin' my leg? i think it's your dog. oh it's him. good call. customize each line and choose to pay by the gig or get unlimited... do you guys sell other dogs? now that's simple, easy, awesome. and since xfinity mobile comes with xfinity internet, you can save hundreds a year. get $100 back when you buy a new lg. click, call, or visit a store today.
12:07 am
12:08 am
top o' the morning. >> what was that about? >> i was told to bring our characters out to the world. >> when they hear you talking like that and me talking like this, they think we're both doing >> jimmy: that is bill hader. do you have hbo? >> hmm?
12:09 am
>>, ye yeah, i have hbo. >> jimmy: passed it. >> the only time i see my "snl" stuff is when i'm on show likes this. >> jimmy: that's it? you never go back to see if something worked or whatever? >> no, i'm weird. >> jimmy: i see, but i do the same thing. maybe like on an anniversary, i'll go wow, that's embarrassing. >> people come up to you and quote things, and you're like hmm? like what? new york's favorite club is blah, blah, blah. i'm like what? >> jimmy: you are not just a star of "barry," you write it. you direct it. you produce it. all of that stuff. [ applause ] at certain point, really, aren't you just showing off? >> yeah. it does get a bit control freakish at times. >> jimmy: does it? >> yeah. where actress sarah goldberg is on the show. she is great.
12:10 am
and she has a -- she had to play this alien thing, and she got excited where she got to have an alien voice. and she was like oh, i worked out this language and all this stuff. and i was oh, no, i'm doing it. and she was no, but bill. i figured out a language. and i'm doing this stuff. i'm doing the alien voice. just give me this. >> jimmy: so the alien voice coming out of her is actually your voice? >> yeah, it's me going -- and she was like all right, thanks, [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: henry winkler. you and henry both won emmys for your roles on this show. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i know you know that. this is not news to you. >> no, it is. i just woke up. >> jimmy: did that change anything? does it give you more pressure, less pressure? >> you just feel like the day after the emmys is when we started shooting. and everyone is on this high. and then you get to work, and you're like oh, i don't know anything. you're like wait, no, this doesn't work. what we were thinking? >> jimmy: is this season different from the first season? >> it's darker.
12:11 am
>> jimmy: it is? >> this season is way darker than last season, in a good way. >> jimmy: how does henry feel about that? >> well, henry is the sweetest guy in the world. so i'm always trying to make him -- we're always writing him to do these awful kind of things, especially to my character. and he's like bill, this is so awful that i would say this to you. can't i just can't he just take barry out to a light lunch? can't he take him on a boat? go down to the marina, get on a boat. >> jimmy: do you think he really is genuinely uncomfortable with that stuff? >> yeah. i think i told him the first time, you really want me to say that? yeah. and he went so this man is an [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] i went yes, henry. you're going to play an [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: where do you guys shoot the show? >> we shoot on paramount. and we were shooting this scene on paramount, stage 19. and we're doing this scene, and it's super emotional, and henry is there, we're in the scene
12:12 am
together. and i'm like -- a little like corey feldman, you know, oh, god. and henry looks around and he goes oh, you know what? this is where we did "happy days." i'm like what? yeah, this is the stage where we did "happy days." you kidding me? you can't tell me this now. so the whole time i'm doing the scene, i'm going was the jukebox over there? where is it? come on. you can't drop that on me right before we do this scene. >> jimmy: that's winkler for you. >> i know. he is the sweetest man on earth. >> jimmy: i can't wait to see it. the show, if you haven't seen it, go right now start watching the first season so you know where you are by season two. bill plays an assassin/theater aficionado. >> he wants to be an actor. >> jimmy: "barry" is the name, it premiers sunday night at 10:00, bill hader. we'll be right back.
12:13 am
could lead to way cleaner teeth. she said, get the one inspired by dentists, with a round brush head. go pro with oral-b. oral-b's gentle rounded brush head removes more plaque along the gum line. for cleaner teeth and healthier gums. and unlike sonicare, oral-b is the first electric toothbrush brand accepted by the ada for its effectiveness and safety. what an amazing clean! i'll only use an oral-b! oral-b. brush like a pro. introducing non-stop spring styles for the family! get fifty percent off all dresses, all shorts and all tees! with dresses from twelve bucks for women, and ten bucks for girls! now, at old navy. with the most lobster dishes lobsterfesof the yearred lobster like our classic lobster lover's dream... so hurry in! lobsterfest ends april twenty-first. and now for a limited time, get ten percent off red lobster to go.
12:14 am
into our subaru forester. we fit a lot of life (dad) it's good to be back. (mom) it sure is. (mom vo) over the years, we trusted it to carry and protect the things that were most important to us. we always knew we had a lot of life ahead of us. (mom) remember this? (mom vo) that's why we chose a car that we knew would be there for us through it all. (male vo) welcome to the all-new 2019 subaru forester. the longest-lasting, most trusted forester ever. touch shows how we really feel. but does psoriasis ever get in the way? embrace the chance of 100% clear skin with taltz, the first and only treatment of its kind offering people with moderate to severe psoriasis a chance at 100% clear skin. with taltz, up to 90% of people quickly saw a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. don't use if you're allergic to taltz. before starting, you should be checked for tuberculosis. taltz may increase risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. tell your doctor if you have an infection, symptoms,
12:15 am
or received a vaccine or plan to. inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz, including worsening of symptoms. serious allergic reactions can occur. ready for a chance at 100% clear skin? ask your doctor about taltz. this is jamie. you're going to be seeing a lot more of him now. -i'm not calling him "dad." -oh, n-no. -look, [sighs] i get it. some new guy comes in helping your mom bundle and save with progressive, but hey, we're all in this together. right, champ? -i'm getting more nuggets. -how about some carrots? you don't want to ruin your dinner. -you're not my dad! -that's fair. overstepped. -that's fair. come on...come on... come on... (buzzer sounds) to keep your sandwich freaky fresh®, jimmy john's only delivers within 5 minutes of the store... no! and not farther. it's nothing personal. it's because sandwich. spand so do the savings ats kohl's....
12:16 am
with an extra 15... or 20% off! save on cookware... an air fryer toaster oven... and new sheets. plus - take an extra $10 off your $50 or more home sale purchase!... plus - get kohl's cash! right now - at kohl's. twice as long as the why law requires? beam because what's a couple more years when you have seven generations looking over your shoulder. don't. even. think about it. jim beam. raised right. so many of them are full of this great. acomplicated,ess ad. tricky language about their network and offers and blah blah blah blah blah blah. look sprint's gonna do things differently, and let you decide for yourself. they're offering a new 100% total satisfaction guarantee. try it out and see the savings. if you don't love it, get your money back. see? simple. now sprint's unlimited plan comes with one of the newest phones included for just $35 a month. so switch now.
12:17 am
12:18 am
it's your time... .lf... . own it... take off in 3... 2... .aww it's time to get more. lower fares. better service. sweeter rewards. alaska airlines. ♪ excuse me, do you want to play "don't talk into this mic" and win $10? [ buzzer ] oh, sorry. don't talk into this mic and win $10, okay? >> okay. >> nope. don't talk into that big microphone and you can win $10. you want to play it? >> yeah.
12:19 am
[ buzzer ] oh, you lost! >> see? i knew it was trick. >> would you like to play don't talk into this mic and win $10? do you want to play it? we'll start. we'll start right now. tell me your name first? what's your name first? we're going to play the game. do you understand this? we're playing a game called don't talk into the mic and win $10. what is your name and where are you from? you win $10! ♪ what if i introduce you to my family now? ♪ primo! what if i have a cousin in the big city? what if we go visit my cousin that lives off the grid? ♪ wow! introducing the hybrid that will shatter perceptions. the all-new built for speed rav4 hybrid. toyota. let's go places.
12:20 am
how did subway know it's what i wanted... thank you ♪ ♪ scooby snacks, delicious. [ scooby laughing ] ♪ scooby doo. pringles wavy. with a big new crunch and totally different flavors, they're not really pringles. just like that's not really daddy. yes it is. ok. new pringles wavy. they're not, not pringles. hard work leaves a mark. it shows on your clothes. they're branded by sweat, pride, and every stain the job throws at you.
12:21 am
for the hardest workers, we've designed the hardest working tide. so you can leave your mark on the world, without the world leaving its mark on your clothes. new tide heavy duty. designed for impossible stains. we put it to the ultimate test. leakguard technology, ♪ a hollywood stunt. [glass shattering] if it can prevent leaks during that, it can help prevent leaks at home. be happy, it's glad.™
12:22 am
what would i say to somebody keep being you.? keep loving. keep aspiring. keep striving. and ask your doctor about biktarvy. biktarvy is a complete one-pill, once-a-day treatment used for hiv in certain adults. it's not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv with three different medicines to help you get to undetectable. that means the amount of virus is so low it can't be measured in lab tests. so keep pushing. keep creating. and keep pouring your soul into everything you do. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems, and kidney failure. rare, life-threatening side effects include a build-up of lactic acid and liver problems. do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin.
12:23 am
tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. if you're hiv-positive, keep loving who you are, inside and out. ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. ♪
12:24 am
♪ >> jimmy: still to come, we have music from gunna. you know our next guest from the movie "girls trip," from "black monday" on showtime. her new comedy is called "little." it opens in theaters april 12th. please welcome, regina hall. ♪ very good to see you. >> it's so good to be here. >> jimmy: you smell really good
12:25 am
too. >> thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: you do. not that bill didn't. he smelled fine. >> right. >> jimmy: the last time -- i think the first time you were here actually, you told me that you had been giving your dog marijuana, right? >> yes, i did. >> jimmy: is that still happening? >> well, he ended on a high note. he is in heaven now. >> jimmy: oh, so no, then. >> no. >> jimmy: yeah. well, i'm sorry i asked. i'm sorry. >> no, it hurts, but it's okay. he lives a great life. >> jimmy: what did you do with his marijuana? did you -- >> you know what? that's a good question, because, you know, the good stuff, you don't want to throw it away. so i was sad. i couldn't sleep. my mother came to visit because it was traumatic for me. so she had arthritis. >> jimmy: okay. >> so i gave her a little. and i took a little. >> jimmy: oh. and how did that go? did it work? >> for a while. and then i told my mom, i said
12:26 am
look, mommy, you're going back. she was visiting me. i said you're going back. you need to learn to do this yourself. because if you're going to continue to use it. but, you know, i think i said that that's too much. >> she put it on the cracker because i use the kind -- it's not an edible. it's an oil. >> jimmy: oh, and you put oil on a cracker. >> it's like the consistency of honey or tar. >> jimmy: okay. >> and you put a little on a cracker or cookie, you know what i mean. this is to help heal. and i knew it was too much. i said mommy, that's too much, and her quote, she said that little dab give me barely does enough. >> jimmy: now you're sure this isn't dog marijuana that you guys were having? >> no. you know, i've got some i have some. >> jimmy: so you gave her more than she should have had. >> no.
12:27 am
she put more on there. i suggested. >> jimmy: she gave her more. >> yes, she gave her more. >> jimmy: how did that go? >> well, first of all, she took it at 9:00. i said it's a little early. she said no, i'm going to bed early. and then we were up late. we were actually watching you. we were watching jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: oh, that's how they recommend you watch the show. >> yes. >> jimmy: start around 9:00. >> it's a really good idea. we actually thoroughly enjoyed the show. and she went to bed. it's a little late, you know. 12:45, i took my shower, went to say good night, and i went in, and she was like she said i said mommy, are you okay? what's wrong? mommy, are you having a stroke? and she said [ slurring ] she couldn't move her mouth. so i called the ambulance. >> jimmy: you called and ambulance? >> i called an ambulance. >> jimmy: did you go to the hospital? >> we went to the hospital. she had on my "think like a man
12:28 am
too" robe. >> jimmy: low profile. >> because we were panicked. >> jimmy: sure. >> and i called my friend on the phone. i said listen, i think mommy is having a stroke. and i was distraught. the dog, now mom. zeus, mom, it was too much. and then, yeah. so. >> jimmy: did you tell the doctor? >> well. >> jimmy: what was going on? >> no. my friend was doing a prayer. and then we were downstairs, and she said did you take your stuff? and i said yeah, and she was like i think you bitches are high. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is that the official diagnosis? >> well, i went to my mother. i said mommy, dodge thinks we're high. and my mother and i started cracking up. it was so funny. and then the doctor came down, because they had done an mri and blood tests.
12:29 am
and they said the mri shows nothing. so then i said, you know. my dog had a chemodectoma, and i was trying to shrink it. and i told him. he was not amused. he said why you whispering? and then my girlfriend was still on the phone, and she said yeah, you've whispering all night. i didn't know. i thought it was because you were in the hospital. >> jimmy: and at the end of this, was a lesson learned? >> well, we learned when her mouth gets like that, she is just high. she's not having a stroke. >> jimmy: that's a lesson. >> no need to worry. >> jimmy: we've been hearing about celebrities donating money to colleges for various things. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: you don't ever have to give money to a college, because almost every college in the united states has your name on it. >> i know! >> jimmy: that's xavier
12:30 am
university in chicago. >> look at that. >> jimmy: that is also another one. and look at this. >> i love that name. another one. >> jimmy: there is a whole bunch of them like this. this is marywood university in scranton. as far as having things named after you, buildings are pretty good. >> when i went to high school, there was a high school, one of the buildings was named regina hall. >> jimmy: really? >> yes. >> jimmy: and did you get a big kick out of that? no? >> it's weird to say we're going in regina hall now. >> jimmy: it is weird. the plural. especially disturbing. >> it was a bit prophetic. but weird at the time. >> jimmy: weird at the time. tell me about this movie. this "little" is kind of a flip of the movie "big" that tom hanks was in. >> yeah. i played the big version of little jordan sanders, which is played by marcy martin, and she is so amazing. >> jimmy: she is from "blackish." and she is a kid, executive producer of this movie. >> i know. incredible, right? >> jimmy: so was she like your boss on the movie?
12:31 am
>> i mean, i guess you could say so. you know? maybe. >> jimmy: well, it's great to see you. i'm glad your mother is okay. >> she's fine. you know what? honestly, it happened one more time while she was there. and it was great. and she said it's a bad batch, gina. she said it was a bad batch. >> jimmy: please videotape her the next time that happens. >> i will. >> jimmy: regina hall, everybody, "little." and the season finale of "black monday" on showtime. we'll be right back with gunna. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
12:32 am
12:33 am
>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: thanks to bill hader, regina hall and my apologies to matt damon. "nightline" is next. but first, his album is called "drip or drown 2" here with the song "big shot", gunna. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
12:34 am
♪ i connected all the dots connected all the dot pulled that foreign out the lot ♪ ♪ that foreign out the lot moved the family to the docks boondocks ♪ ballin' like a big shot ballin' like a big shot uh ballin' like a big shot ♪ ♪ oh, oh businessman i pop my collar i pop my collar ♪ ♪ got good brain must be a scholar good brain must be a scholar ♪ ♪ spent 2k on balmain joggers spent 2k on joggers yeah ♪ i'm jogging to the bank oh captain of the ship and we won't sink ♪ ♪ give a honey told the key to chain ♪ ♪ my brother's keeper ♪ a chain on god just like fendi
12:35 am
gotta think ♪ she gotta think and i'm drippin' like a sink yeah drippin' like a sink ♪ ♪ yeah these vvs's make you blink yeah ♪ i connected all the dots connected all the dot pulled that foreign out the lot ♪ that foreign out the lot moved the family to the docks boondocks put some diamonds ♪ ♪ in my watch diamonds in my watch ♪ ♪ ballin' like a big shot ballin' like a big shot uh ballin' like a big shot ♪ ♪ oh, oh in l.a. smoking do-si-do smokin' do-si-do ♪ ♪ and i got dolce on my clothes dolce gabbana my clothes ♪ ♪ i still got homies on flat shoals homies on flat shoals i'm just getting started ♪ i got more goals still got g lookin' for the pesos for the pesos ♪ ♪ would stay inside but the bank closed but the bank closed every time i turn around ♪ i see a bankroll bankroll i used to get hand-me-downs ♪ now ain't a thing old no all my day ones gettin' a payroll ♪ payroll
12:36 am
when you show l.a. i don't wanna shop on rodeo rodeo ♪ ♪ if killing was dripping gunna i had a case closed case closed ♪ ♪ still independent you can't name a [ bleep ] i owe [ bleep ] i owe ♪ ♪ i connected all the dots connected all the dot pulled that foreign out the lot ♪ ♪ that foreign out the lot moved the family to the docks boondocks put some diamonds ♪ ♪ in my watch diamonds in my watch ♪ ♪ ballin' like a big shot ballin' like a big shot uh ballin' like a big shot ♪ ♪ oh, oh [cheers and applause]
12:37 am
this is "nightline." tonight, a young actress on her way to hollywood stardom. >> look, i'm getting fan mail, and it's great. and i'm answering them back, and it it's wonderful, and i went, you can't do that. >> but when it came to her biggest fan, she was unknowingly opening a door to rage and murder. >> he was going to get a gun, no more teddy bears, no more flowers. this is it. how a nhl hockey game saved the life of this super fan in need of a kidney. >> i was like wait a second, i'm going to make a sign. and the rise of

404 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on