for joining us. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- allison williams. patton oswalt. and music from tedeschi trucks band. and now, hold everything -- jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, very nice. hello, everybody. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. thanks for everything, really. it's very nice. i am happy to be home. we were off the air for a couple days. i was out of town, actually.

i was in new york this week, getting some lipo suck shun done. when i was in new york i did the howard stern show and when you do those shows you have to get up very early. one of the things you see when you're driving through times square before sun rise, the last time i saw a dead guy. but one of the things you see is people lined up, gathered around to see "the today show." and people show up with their "kiss me, i'm from wisconsin" signs. you get the feeling when you're watching you don't know what's going to happen because they're outside. but the weird stuff usually comes from outside the show. on the "today" show, one member of the cast stood out quite proudly. >> i love it. tucson, u of a in the house this morning. >> yeah!

>> really, he really loves tucson, i guess. poor mrs. cactus, huh? what if this was matt lauer in there, sneaking back into the show? members of the lauer family, are we? after a lot of back and forth and saying no, i'm not going to do this, maybe i'll take the fifth, the president's eldest son, done jr., djtj has reached a deal to appear before the republican-led senate committee next month to try to convince them he doesn't know anything. for him, how hard could that be, but according to the deal they made, don jr. will testify for up to four hours and can only be asked questions on five or six topics. why does everything this family does turn into a game show, everything. it will be a closed-door session, but these are some of the questions he is expected to be asked. what happened in the trump tower

meeting, what was your father's involvement, did you lie to congress? what the hell is up with that beard? how do you strap a bicycle helmet without a chin. but the fact that he will talk is good news. he's a great guy. but meanwhile, at the white house today they said no way to a request for documents made by the house judiciary committee. they claim democrats are just trying to embarrass the president, as if that's possible. as if he has the ability to feel shame. but the chairman of the house judiciary, jerry nadler says the white house seems to think the president is a king or something who isn't subject to checks and balances like other presidents. if you're not familiar with jerry nadler, he's a tough guy who's lost a lot of weight. but after he lost the weight, i think he neglected to buy a new pair of pants. rarely do you see his whole body, but his belt is pulled all the way up to his nadlers.

it's almost like a choker or something. remember that white house tell-all book that sold a zillion copies, "fire and fury." the author of that book, michael wolf, has written a sequel. in this one, we learn that donald trump is robert mueller's father. the book comes up next month. the last one was "fire and fury." this one is called "siege". i don't know why they all sound like steven segal movies. who snuck up and took that shot? there are more books now about donald trump than "curious george." he has beaten him. the president was in hackberry, louisiana yesterday sharing his special brand of methane with a plant that extracts natural gas and we slow him down for yet another edition of drunk donald trump. ♪

>> cow cass coo, chew. but i like i-10 much better. can we go by i-10? do you mind? okay. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: this is something, though. this was on the local news in las vegas. they had a story about a school bus driver, we may have found the least intelligent man in the world. >> a former bus driver caught on camera, dragging a student, moments after he stepped off the bus. the boy's backpack got caught in the door, and the driver didn't stop for several seconds. the boy's mother believes he was targeted because of his race, but the driver denies that allegation. >> would you say you're racist? >> not at all, no. look at my dog, he's black as can be.

>> jimmy: is it possible that someone can be too dumb to own a dog? this is a good one, too. this is like the sopranos come to life. this is the kind of thing you could find in your yard if you live in new jersey. >> look at the size of that. >> look at that [ bleep ]. that son of a bitch is right in the front yard. >> oh, my god. >> holy [ bleep ]. [ bleep ], i'm going in. >> jimmy: good idea. i wouldn't have come out in the first place. here's some more bad news for new jersey. people from jersey, according to a new poll, have the second-least sexy accent in america. it's a very important survey they did. new jersey finished second. long island finished last. it is home to the least-sexy accent in america. and the sexiest accent is from texas. texas is number one.

[cheers and applause] oh, my god, i'm getting turned on just hearing your yowls. texas is number one, followed by boston. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: come on. it's not, at all, right? i can see a texas accent being sexy, but nothing about a boston accent feels -- dicky, you have a boston accent, has anybody ever told you your accent is sexy. >> dicky: certain parts of boston are very sexy. >> jimmy: which area? >> dicky: you have to be in the right area. >> jimmy: i thought we should check in with our little friend from seacock, massachusetts. hi. >> this guy again? i got to talk to this [ bleep ]? >> jimmy: tommy. >> what do you want? i'm watching nesn.

they're playing highlights. >> jimmy: i have a quick question for you. >> shoot. >> jimmy: what do you think, i don't know if you saw this, but there's a report that says boston accents are the second sexiest accents in the united states. >> i think that's nonsense. >> jimmy: that's what i said. >> yeah, it's nonsense, because we have the number one most sexy accent in these here united states. listen to me, i talk wicked sexy. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i've gotten to second base more times than harry hooper. >> jimmy: than harry hooper? >> yeah, harry hooper! you got a hearin' problem! you want to argue with me! >> jimmy: do you think the accent is why they're saying it's sexy? >> i don't know. i don't know why they say what they say. all i know is you're talking to me in a little bit of a condescending tone and i don't like it. you want a piece of me, you sloppy little bitch? >> jimmy: no, i don't.

>> i'll take ya. >> jimmy: why do you think the boston accent is ranked number two. >> listen right here, the only number two is in my diaper right here. we have the number one sexiest words in the whole world. >> jimmy: which words are sexy? >> for starters, there's wiener. vaginer, panty dropper. you slob gobbler. >> jimmy: what are you drinking there? >> what the [ bleep ] you think it is? it's a scorpion ball. i pour pedialyte and -- >> jimmy: okay. >> my sexy dulcet voice that makes women go nuts from pawtucket to woonsocket, from boxborough to foxborough. when i say hey, girl, let me see your labia.

take off your sweater, darlene. >> jimmy: who is darlene? is that your girlfriend? >> my girlfriend? no, you sick [ bleep ], it's my mother. my mother darlene is a saint. tell them, mark. >> are you bothering my little tommy? you want a piece of me? let's go, right now, you against my mom. [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: i don't want a piece of anyone. i was just asking your son if he thinks boston accents are sexy. >> [ bleep ] sexy. is my voice not sexy enough for you? you should hear me and his stepfather going at it. like game three of the '04 alds, so hard. it's so [ bleep ] hot. >> jimmy: that's enough. thank you both for your time.

>> yeah, [ bleep ] yourself, yeah. hey, give me some boob. >> jimmy: all right. that's tommy and his mother darlene. [cheers and applause] all right. one more thing. speaking of kids, my mission as a talk show host, yes, i do have a mission. it's not just to entertain, it's to educate, not just adults. children too. the next generation needs guidance on so many matters, including those of the heart. so i sat down with a couple of kids named dean and arlene to get their thoughts on the mysterious emotion called love. dean and arlene, how are you guys doing? >> good. >> good. >> jimmy: how long have you been together? >> um, when we got here? >> jimmy: so this is a new relationship. >> yes. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. you're both 5 years old? >> yeah. >> jimmy: are you both in kindergarten? >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: how do you like it? >> good.

>> jimmy: what is love exactly? >> it's putting someone's needs before yours. >> jimmy: wow. i thought oprah was off the air. i don't know how this is happening. what do you think love is? >> it's the one that you love most. >> jimmy: mm-hm. okay. girls are a little more advanced than boys, yes? yeah. so one thing i know about you, dean, because your dad works here at the show, right? you love to see people kiss on television. is that true? >> no. >> jimmy: that's not true? >> no. >> jimmy: oh, you don't like kissing? >> it's gross. >> jimmy: it is gross. what's gross about it, exactly? >> because you're sharing germs. >> jimmy: sharing germs, but you probably kiss your mom, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: why isn't that gross? >> well, you kiss your mom and dad because you're family, and their germs. >> jimmy: they're family germs? >> yeah.

>> jimmy: mm-hm. >> but if you kiss someone else, it's kind of gross because they're sharing their germs. >> jimmy: it's like kissing everyone in their family. >> yeah. >> jimmy: right, right. >> i'm never going to marry anybody, because it's -- >> jimmy: it's what? >> it's kind of disgusting. >> jimmy: are you guys falling in love with each other right now? >> no. >> jimmy: little bit? >> no. >> jimmy: do you think dean is cute? >> kind of. >> jimmy: kind of cute. do you think arlene is cute? >> kind of. >> jimmy: yeah, i think you're both pretty cute. should we bring out the love meter and see if you're in love? >> no. >> yes! >> no. >> jimmy: let's do it. stay right there. >> okay. >> jimmy: i'll bring out the love meter and we'll test and see if you're in love. this is the love meter. we put it over your heart and it senses if you're in love. >> try it on dean first. just try it on dean first. >> jimmy: shall we try it out, dean? i got to get it right here, near your heart. right there.

whoa, yeah, that's love. that is love. wow. it knows. is it right, dean? yeah, it is right. okay, arlene? we'll try it on you. >> i want to try. >> jimmy: ah. oh, my gosh. >> okay. that is funny. >> jimmy: wow, look at that. you guys are in love. isn't that great? >> try to see if you're in love with us. because i think you are. >> jimmy: see if i'm in love with you? all right. let's see. yeah, no. i'm not in love with you. but watch this, if i think about spaghetti. see what happens? yeah, see? because i love spaghetti. >> you're in love with spaghetti? >> jimmy: i'm in love with spaghetti. and guess what i'm also in love with? >> what? >> what? >> jimmy: meatballs. >> oh, my gosh. >> jimmy: tell each other you love each other. >> i want to go home.

>> you are so weird. >> jimmy: thanks, kids. >> jimmy: tonight on the show, music from tedeschi trucks band. patton oswalt is here. and we'll be right back with allison williams. ♪ abc's jimmy kimmel live, brought to you by kia. whatever you're craving... and whenever you're craving it...

doordash has the restaurants you want. delivered to your door. wherever your door happens to be. download doordash. the most restaurants across america. first order, $0 delivery fee. i love learning. i work in technology, and after work i'm learning to cook at a restaurant. when i was looking for jobs on linkedin, i found a company that would support my passions outside of work. i hit apply i heard back from the recruiter. and here i am. i wanna have a lot of stories... try a lot of different things. this job, it was exactly what i was looking for. ♪ but they should be good. money... like a good, clean planet. that's better then a broken dirty one. with good, happy, non disgruntled people. l efab that's better then a broken dirty one. so, if you agree with this rogue radical thinking,

give us a try. we're called clif bar. and our logo looks like this. ♪ sun care is self care. i used to not love wearing an spf just because i felt like it was so oily and greasy. but with olay regenerist whip spf 25, it's so lightweight. i love it. i'm busy philipps, and i'm fearless to face anything. with peak season berries, uniqcreamy avocado. and a dressing fit for a goddess. come taste what a salad should be. and with panera catering, there's more to go around. panera. food as it should be. rosave on elton john rocketman savingstees...l's!... kids' tops and shorts... and an anti-gravity chair. plus - take $10 off your purchase of $25 or more!... plus - get $5 kohl's cash for every $25 spent! kohl's. see rocketman in theaters may 31st. ♪"stay awake" by julie andrews♪ ♪stay awake don't rest your head♪

♪while the moon drifts in the skies♪ ♪stay awake don't close your eyes♪ ♪while the moon drifts in the skies♪ man, that's a cool looking hot tub. we should check on the baby. he's so sweet. maybe too sweet?

internet's down. go! your home is only as smart as your internet. get reliable at&t fiber and get speeds up to 300 megabits per second and directv. bundle for 75 dollars a month for 12 months. limited availability. may not be in your area. more for your thing. that's our thing. call 1-800-call-att. >> jimmy: tonight, from "the secret life of pets 2," a very funny man, patton oswalt is with us. then, their album is called "signs." tedeschi trucks band from the mercedes-benz outdoor stage. you can see tedeschi trucks band live tomorrow and friday night at the orpheum theater, here in los angeles. tomorrow night, trevor noah and

billie lourd will join us, and we'll have music from ciara. and on friday, we have a new show with ryan seacrest, celeste barber, and music from slipknot. so please join us then. you know our first guest tonight from "girls," she played one of the girls. and as a very scary white woman in the movie "get out." her new movie is scary too. "the perfection" premieres on netflix may 24th. please welcome, allison williams. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> thank you. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: i hesitate to say something about this, what a cute outfit. >> oh, my gosh, thank you. i'm shocked we're not wearing the same thing. >> jimmy: this is what i hear my wife say, what a cute outfit. and then there's a whole talk about the outfit. >> now we're having it. >> jimmy: i'm sorry, i heard you were hurt. you were injured.

>> i was injured. >> jimmy: what happened to you? >> it never happened before. i was filming an action movie in mauritius, a beautiful country off the east coast of africa. >> jimmy: mauritius. >> mauritius. on the first day of the shoot there was a stunt where i was being chased by a dog, up to the top of a fence, i thought really cool. it made me feel like a real action star, which is a good thing when you're shooting an action movie. but they didn't know i wasn't sure i could do all these things yet. so i was very excited to do my stunt. it went well all day long. and the last time i did it i got to the top of the fence, and i felt a sort of sharp pain on my ankle. now nitro, the stunt dog was lovely. and the consummate professional. >> jimmy: okay. >> and i love dogs. i cannot emphasize enough how much i love dogs, which is why

it's so baffling that on the last take, nitro, the dog looked at my ankle and thought yeah, why not, so he clamped onto my ankle and yeah, did that. i've never been hurt before. so i don't know how i'm going to react to that. now if i had to predict in a vacuum how i would react to being hurt, it would be like a scream that makes birds move, fly off their perches and antelope perk up in ethiopia. i was thinking of something so huge. i hop down from the fence, i look down at my ankle and say ow, ow, ow for real. >> jimmy: say that one more time. jimmy: that level.w for real. >> that tone. ow, ow, ow for real. and the for real was included just so they knew. >> jimmy: it was very painful, though, right? >> it was very painful. >> jimmy: were you proud of yourself? >> this was told to me afterwards. i was taken off of the fence, i was not willing to come down.

i just felt safe from nitro. >> jimmy: because the dog had bitten you. >> i was like i don't want to faint, i don't want to throw up. they're like, okay, i don't know what to do with that information. but we're pulling for you, we're rooting for you. so the medic apparently cleaned it and put a nice like temporary bandage on it and i was whisked off for the next hour and a half to the bumpiest ride i've experienced in my life to the hospital. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> it's a thing, a real thing. you can see everyone in the production like oh, my god, the first day, we are so screwed. every scene, like it was just not good news. >> jimmy: no. >> i get to the hospital. instinct is no one's allowed to touch it. >> jimmy: not even the doctors? >> no one's allowed to touch it. the nurses come in. the nicest nurses. cindy, she's in the break room, she's the nicest. they are sending their nicest

nurses and nicest doctors, and i'm like, no, no. you can't touch it. and they are like how are we supposed to help you? >> jimmy: just pray over you. >> i guess. i said you're going to have to numb my whole leg. and they all just were like "these americans are so insane". just as i'm about to get into an argument, the doctor, by chance had given me a tetanus shot the week before comes around the curtain and says "princess, what did you do." he knew to call me princess and knew i had done something. >> jimmy: all you were guilty of was being delicious.very sweet. that's so nice. that's what i'm going to tell myself when i'm in pain. so then the doctor and i were talking and i said you're not allowed to touch it until you

numb my leg. and he said i can't do that ethically. and i said what if you could do it? and then he did it. i didn't look for real. they numbed my whole leg. when i couldn't feel someone punching my calf, i was like we're good. they whisk me into a room. they took one look and are like we are going to fix this dog bite. i got five stitches. they are so loose. it's the grossest thing i've ever heard. you're going to get loose stitches? why bother, why don't you just throw flour on it. you don't need to talk about this right now. it's ridiculous. >> jimmy: you've been traumatized. >> but anyway, it was an insane first day of shooting. >> jimmy: did you have the animal destroyed? just asking. i don't know.

>> i have, no, if i did, i would lie about did, first of all. and second of all, i don't blame nitro. >> jimmy: you don't? >> we're a team. we're actors. >> jimmy: he was improvising, give me one more take. i want to try something. >> he wanted one more. that's what he got. yeah, i think nitro was just doing his job. but i was carried places on set. >> jimmy: oh, by other people? >> yeah, by human beings. >> jimmy: who carries you around? like kevin costner? >> so i'm now, i had only met some of the crew members for like a couple hours. the next time they see me, i'm arms of our stunt coordinator. >> jimmy: because your leg was numb? >> i couldn't stand on it. not because it was numb. it was screwed up. i couldn't walk. so i was carried into places. they'd put me down, i'd say my lines and do my job, then they'd set me back up. full mariah carey.

>> jimmy: like "game of thrones." i'm glad you're all right. we're going to take a break. allison williams, after this. ♪ ♪ [doorbell rings] not right now. i think you need more lipstick. nest hub you look beautiful. by google nest. nexgard chew comes the confidence

you're doing what's right to protect your dog it's the #1 vet recommended protection. and it's safe for puppies. nexgard. what one little chew can do. the best way to hit the beach? with neutrogena® beach defense® sunscreen. helioplex® powered, uva, uvb strong. beach strength protection for the whole family. for the best day in the sun. neutrogena®.

...at a price that has you,s and like...d.hmmm. okay. that's yes for less. say yes to the latest spring trends at 20 to 60 percent off department store prices every day. at ross. yes for less.

♪ ♪ how far you travel is up to you. how comfortable you travel is up to us. fly emirates. fly better. exactly what you need... yes. ...for your growing family?

that's yes for less. everything your pet needs at 20 to 60 percent off specialty store prices. at ross. yes for less. i'm dying, don't you understand? >> no, i don't understand. >> but i'm dying. >> charlotte? charlotte? what's happening? >> jimmy: oh, charlotte. i'm getting scared looking at it.

[cheers and applause] that is scary looking. that's "the perfection." it's a netflix movie. comes out may 24th. you are just going to do scary movies? >> apparently i don't want anyone to be relaxed when i'm on the screen. this lane, i'm so excited. >> jimmy: what can you say about it that doesn't ruin it. >> basically, whatever you think just happened, you're probably wrong. >> jimmy: okay. >> and it is, don't talk to anyone about it, because they'll spoil it for you. >> jimmy: okay. and don't go see it or you'll find out what happens? >> you don't even go anywhere. you watch it at home. and then it will be spoiled for you, in the right way. >> jimmy: okay, all right. that sounds good. how's your dad doing by the way? >> he's doing good. >> jimmy: for those who don't know, alison's dad is billy d. williams, brian williams of msnbc. >> one of the great human beings. >> jimmy: he really is a very.

>> very nice person. do you watch his show? the 11th hour? >> i do. i was shooting overseas for a while. they have a podcast version. so i listened to that. i don't want to brag. >> jimmy: there's nothing to be proud of. >> i do nothing else. so, but i've now, like i listen to him at normal speed, and then i went up to one and a half times speed and then two times speed. i don't want to brag. again, that's not a brag. i'm learning what's cool and not cool. i listen to so many of them, including my dad's. >> jimmy: at double speed. >> i got used to hearing him at double speed. and when i came home and had dinner with him for the first time i was like, you are speaking so [ bleep ] slowly. it was excruciating. i'm insulted by this. i'm not a child. >> jimmy: i had that with my dad, too, but it has nothing to do with a podcast. is there a way to speed people up in real life?

>> i don't know. but i felt bad. this is actually how you talk, i'm just not used to that. let's go. >> jimmy: that's got to be weird. >> it was weird. a very specific complaint. >> jimmy: please give him my best. the movie is called "the perfection" premieres may 24th on netflix. we'll be right back with patton oswalt. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ ♪ [door bell] ♪ ♪ [door bell] other places deliver food. we deliver more than that. ♪ delivering happy. mcdonalds on uber eats. now we look good, right? be! in old navy, always!

oh, gingham and dots! what's good here? nothing, i just come for the outfits. shop fifty percent off all tees, tanks, shorts, swim and dresses. now, at old navy. ((cat 2) fwhoa- so many choices! (cat 1) look- extra gravy! (cat 2) and lil' soups! (cat 1) there's the shreds! (cat 2) yeah friskies has it all. (cat 1) i want it all- can i have it all? (vo) feed their fantasy. friskies. hey, who are you? oh, hey jeff, i'm a car thief... what?! i'm here to steal your car because, well, that's my job. what? what?? what?! (laughing) what?? what?! what?! [crash] what?! haha, it happens. and if you've got cut-rate car insurance, paying for this could feel like getting robbed twice. so get allstate... and be better protected from mayhem... like me. ♪ ♪ a clean classroom is the beginning.

what comes next is everything. bonnie made a friend in class. clorox kills 99.9% of germs. meet forky... awwwww! see toy story 4. in theaters june 21st rated g so many interesting details. ancestrydna was able to tell me where my father's family came from in columbia. they pinpointed the columbian and ecuador region and then there's a whole new andean region. that was incredibly exciting because i really didn't know that. we never spoke about that in my family. it just brings it home how deep my roots are and it connects me to them, and to their spirit, and to their history. 20 million members have connected to a deeper family story. order your kit at ancestry.com.

to a deeper family story. sun care is self care. i used to not love wearing an spf just because i felt like it was so oily and greasy. but with olay regenerist whip spf 25, it's so lightweight. i love it. i'm busy philipps, and i'm fearless to face anything. tlet's go mets! go time daddy! [ giggling ] ohhhh man. took my hat off. [ "to love somebody" by bee gees playing ] that's crazy! [ crowd cheering ] [ screaming ] let's go mets! ♪ [ cheering ]

if you're going to be in the l.a. area and want to see the show, call 866-jimmy tix or go to jimmy kimmel live.com. can you actually love wearing powerful sunscreen? yes! neutrogena® ultra sheer. no other sunscreen works better or feels so good. clinically proven helioplex® provides unbeatable uva/uvb protection to help prevent early skin aging and skin cancer all with a clean light feel. for unbeatable protection. it's the one. the best for your skin. ultra sheer®. neutrogena®. see what's possible. another wireless ad. great. so many of them are full of this complicated, tricky language

about their network and offers and blah blah blah. look. sprint's going to do things differently. and let you decide for yourself. they're offering a new 100% total satisfaction guarantee. try it out and see the savings. if you don't love it, get your money back. see? simple. now sprint's unlimited plan comes with one of the newest phones included for just $35 a month. so switch now. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com rosave on elton john rocketman savingstees...l's!... family swimwear... and beach towels. plus - take $10 off your purchase of $25 or more!... plus - get $5 kohl's cash for every $25 spent! kohl's. see rocketman in theaters may 31st. ♪ protect your pet with the #1 name in flea and tick protection. frontline plus. trusted by vets for nearly 20 years. i'm on the pill. i'm on the pill. i'm on the pill, too.

but it's not birth control. it's truvada for prep®, a once-daily prescription medicine for adults that, when taken every day along with using safer sex practices, can help lower my chances of getting hiv through sex. i use condoms. but i talked to my doctor about doing more. he said that because i had a higher chance of getting hiv through sex, truvada for prep could be an option for me. she also told me that truvada alone may not keep me from getting hiv. and it does not prevent other stis or pregnancy. you must be hiv-negative to take truvada for prep. so you need to get tested for hiv immediately before, and at least every 3 months, while taking truvada. if you think you were exposed to hiv or have flu-like symptoms, tell your doctor right away. they may do more tests to confirm you are still hiv negative. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems, kidney failure, and bone problems, which may lead to fractures. rare, life-threatening side effects include a build-up of lactic acid and liver problems. tell your doctor about all the medicines you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney, bone, or liver problems,

including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking truvada without talking to your doctor. common side effects include stomach pain, headache, and weight loss. ask your doctor about your risk of getting hiv and if truvada for prep may be right for you. i wanted to do more. that's why i'm on that pill. truvada for prep. eligible patients may pay as little as a zero dollar co-pay. find out more at truvada.com. (baby fussing) nest hub isn't she beautiful? yes. by google nest. i moved to new york i went on linkedin,. i connected with someone, and they introduced me to my boss. when i first got the job, i was the only african american female trader. ♪

♪ ♪ wh you're craving...re... and whenever you're craving it... doordash has the restaurants you want. delivered to your door. wherever your door happens to be. download doordash. the most restaurants across america. first order, $0 delivery fee.

>> jimmy: our next guest is one of the funniest men in the world. you can hear all of him in "the secret life of pets 2." it opens in theaters june 7th. please welcome, patton oswalt. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> jimmy: good to see you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: did you know that this is your, we counted, it's your

19th time here on the show. >> 19? oh, my god. so, so the 20? >> jimmy: there will be a parade the next time you're here. >> will there be a championship bracelet or some kind of -- >> jimmy: what would you like? we want to do something special but not something that you wouldn't enjoy. >> i want something symbolic, but i want it to come from your heart. >> jimmy: okay. >> i want you to surprise me. >> jimmy: i'll pull out a vein. >> okay. >> jimmy: is it fair to say that you love comic books? maybe more than anybody i know? you really, really love comic books. >> yeah, i think the only one that surpasses me would be brian poesain. but it's a neck and neck race. >> jimmy: and i assume you went out to see avengers end game. >> we went on the monday after it premiered. so i had to stay off the internet all weekend. >> jimmy: risky.

>> i couldn't check twitter or messages from my nerd cabal. >> jimmy: who did you take? >> my wife and our 10-year-old daughter alice. we took her to see infinite at this infinity war. are the dust people going to come back? it would have been ballsy, yeah, the people who left. but i was seeing it through my daughter's eyes. my daughter has such a thing for tom holland. spiderman, she loves tom holland. >> jimmy: oh. adorable. >> she was bummed that he kind

of doesn't show up until the end of the movie. why didn't he come back sooner? they had to get the gauntlet to snap. couldn't they do a different thing? and i explained. that was the only thing that made her sad. literally, iron man's dying and all these other, sorry. >> jimmy: if you don't know by now, you don't care. >> don't act like, ah, come on! i was waiting for the dvd! [ applause ] so that -- >> jimmy: there was an audible gasp. >> like what? like twitter's going to meltdown now, i can't believe he said. but yeah, she was all about, couldn't there have been, and i reassured her afterwards. my friends were like saying they had to reassure their kids that, well, you know, iron man did something heroic and that's why he died and i had to reassure her, spiderman "far from home"

is coming out, you'll have two hours of tom holland. she's fine. >> jimmy: you have to take her to the premiere of that. >> i'm working on that premiere. >> jimmy: you're part of the marvel family. you're doing a show. >> doing a show for disney. >> jimmy: around a character and i remember as a kid this being kind of ridiculous. >> the character is called modoc. >> jimmy: what does it stand for? >> it's either mobile or mechanized organism designed only for killing. modok. and -- nothing really? [ applause ] he is a, he is such a ridiculous character. it was jack kirby on a bad day. look at this guy. which, by the way, this is the original modok. cut to a closeup of me.

like it's kind of a, i was, yeah. >> jimmy: if they were to put your head into a can or something like that. you could be very modok. >> and there's captain america listening to the smiths. he's very bummed out right now. modok is very angry at him. so he's this weird, giant, genius head with a forehead laser as you have. >> jimmy: so you're doing this. >> with a great writer named jordan blum. but i'm the voice of modok. >> jimmy: have you thought about how modok might deliver these words on this card? >> i could try, here's the problem. right now. we're writing lines for him. so there are times when i will do the lines and i'm trying to do this "i am modok", like a voice. and the other animators are like you can probably use your own voice, and i don't want my voice to match that. i want to think that i have to

change my voice. but they're like, no. that actually fits perfectly. so there's a little bit of a push-pull right now. i feel like i can be in the recording booth and do a bunch of takes as whatever voice i develop. and they say do some fun takes with your own voice, and i swear to god. >> jimmy: your whole family, you're all doing this voice work, your wife and daughter and you were on "my little pony." correct me if i'm wrong, it's a cartoon you watch for sexual gratification. >> i mean, that's why it was originally made for adults and kids found out and kind of ran with it. it started with pete booze on 42nd street in the late '70s. >> jimmy: a great origin story. >> it really is. my wife, meredith, who does a lot of voiceovers, they came to me, because i did a character.

i did a character on "my little pony" a couple years ago. we're like, we want to bring your character back and we have a story about mixed families and that's kind of like what you're going through, you remarried. meredith is alice's mom, so they wrote this great episode where meredith plays this pony named clear sky that i'm in love with. she plays a unicorn. yeah, unicorns have magic powers in the show. >> jimmy: and in life, too. >> exactly. and in porn. [ applause ] and then my daughter plays a little pony named windsprint who's a pegasus, those are the ones that can fly. and i'm of course an earth pony with no powers named quibble pants. and i'm trying to win the daughter over even though i'm not a jock. >> jimmy: you're in "the secret life of pets 2." but this is not from "the secret life of pets2" but from "my

little pony". >> who is this? >> this is my daughter windsprint. >> and she is pretty amazing, too. >> wind, did you thank quibble for standing in line so we'd first too? >> thanks. >> there's a lot of early stuff where she has to be, uh, and she's 10 now, which means she's just on the edge of the eye rolling and the oh, dad. so she was just able to nail it, such a natural. >> jimmy: that must delight you beyond anything. >> oh. how old are your kids now? >> jimmy: i don't even know. >> they will, no matter how great your kids are, they will get, and it's party of the development. they have to go oh, dad, you

know, and you have to be the square parent going oh, you'll enjoy david bowie, whatever. they don't, you have to do it. >> jimmy: it's great to see you. the movie is "the secret life of pets 2" opens in theaters june 7th. and we'll return with music from tedeschi trucks band. ♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.

>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i want to thank allison williams and patton oswalt. apologies to matt damon. "nightline" is next. but first, this is their album, it's called "signs." here with the song "shame," tedeschi trucks band! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ shame ohh there's poison in

the well shame ♪ ♪ you know we can't unring the bell though i tried oh to let it all fall away ♪ ♪ oh but somehow i i hear exactly what you say ♪ ♪ makes me wonder why you're broken lord you have to wonder where are we going ♪ ♪ someday oh you know it can't be long someday ♪ ♪ when your train has come and gone just remember ♪ ♪ all that stuff you used to say

you got to pick yourself up ♪ ♪ you got to get right back out you got to do it all over again ♪ ♪ now i've tried oh to let it all fall away oh but somehow ♪ ♪ i'd love to see him in pain ♪ makes me wonder why i'm broken lord you've got to wonder what's in the air ♪ ♪ ♪ shame oh the hurt they put on me and you shame shame shame ♪

♪ you know they're murdering the truth now i've tried oh to let it all fall away ♪ ♪ oh but somehow i have nothing left to say and i wonder why we're broken ♪ ♪ oh don't you wonder oh don't you wonder what's in the air ♪ ♪ ♪ oh don't you wonder ♪

♪ [cheers and applause]

this is "nightline." tonight. a country thrown into turmoil over a jogger's rape. now 30 years later, the first time we're hearing all sides. >> i was beaten and left for dead. >> days of police questioning leading to confessions. confessn the media firestorm and a shocking twist. >> i saw the lady. she was jogging. >> sending the case back into the national spotlight, into a climate, changed to this day. this special edition of "nightline," one night in central park, will be right back.