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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  July 3, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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on jim"jimmy kimmel," it's kevi hart. see you tomorrow morning. >> dicky: from the caesars entertainment's zappos theater, it's jimmy kimmel live in las vegas! tonight -- kevin hart jimmy drives a lyft around vegas and music from marshmello featuring chvrches -- presented by cîroc vodka. with cleto and the cletones -- and now, double or nothin' jimmy kimmel! ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: thank you. welcome! very nice. hi, everybody, welcome to the show. i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thank you for coming.
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welcome to our week-long residency in las vegas. please relax. we are coming to you from the zappo's theater. in 2015, steve harvey mistakenly told ms. colombia she was ms. universe here. so there's a lot of history here. i rolled into town with a 1-year-old, a 4-year-old, my parents and mother-in-law. not exactly the rat pack, but you do what you have to do. there are sharks and dolphins. it is also a terrible place for children. there are strippers on the
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sidewalk. trucks advertising girls to your room with naked women on them. there are, people are smoking. people are gambling, there are bachelorettes crying and carrying their shoes. and, you know, kids, they soak it up. and so we're crossing the street from the link, just down the block. we're waiting for the light to change. and there's a country song blasting out of jimmy buffett's margaritaville. and it's a song called "hick town" by jason aldean. in the middle of the song, he says the word "butt crack." he sings, ♪ you can see the neighbor's butt crack nailing on his shingles ♪ and my daughter jane's like what are you laughing at? and my wife's like, i'm not laughing. and jane doesn't bite. she says what was that word were you laughing at? i don't know what you were talking about. i wasn't laughing. but then the light changes and jane just starts shouting "butt
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crack! butt crack! butt crack" in 48 different ways. it was the longest crosswalk ever. now that word has become a major part of her vocabulary, so thanks, vegas, for all the butt cracks! [cheers and applause] we have to get them out of here before they turn out like me. a bunch of our staff got together for a very late night of carousing and apparently, guillermo had a rough night. i'm not sure he's going to be able to make it to the show tonight. >> jimmy, jimmy, jimmy! >> jimmy: oh, hey, look at this! ♪ what's happening? how are you? it's carrot top, everybody. how are you doing? >> i brought some stuff for you. hope you like this. this is good for everybody tonight, seriously, this is
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great. make your friends wear this when they go out drinking tonight. when they pass out, leave them wherever the hell they are. [ applause ] wheel' be back. this one's brand-new. it's still wet. it's a new wedding cake for nicolas cage. >> jimmy: oh! >> i put it on an etch-a-sketch. he's a friend, too. crap! >> jimmy: that's convenient. >> is it taco night? it should be taco night, right? >> jimmy: it's taco wednesday. >> it's the mexi-can opener. this might be my best stuff ever. >> jimmy: what else do you have? >> this is the deluxe model of the mexi-can opener. you want to see it? >> jimmy: i would love to see it. >> i think this opens a can of beer. >> hi! there's the mexi-can opener. have a great night!
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>> jimmy: carrot top, everybody! >> yeah! ♪ >> jimmy: carrot top, carrot top. that was quite an entrance, guillermo. how are you feeling? seriously? >> terrible, terrible, terrible. >> jimmy: so you put on quite a show last night. i got a lot of videos this morning. >> wow. i don't, i don't remember too much. >> jimmy: well, fortunately, many members of our staff were there and captured it on videotape. i thought it would be fun to share with our audience. this is guillermo in action doing live karaoke at the cosmo last night. ♪ >> sing it. ♪ ba, ba la bamba
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>> jimmy: you're labombed. >> yeah! >> jimmy: you realize you've had your shirt off on the show every night this week. >> i like it, i like to show my six pack. >> jimmy: what are you doing after the show tonight? what's your plan? >> nothing. i'm going to bed. i'm tired. >> jimmy: really? >> yes. >> jimmy: i find that hard to believe. >> no i was [ bleep ]. i'm going to party tonight, too! [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: well, we have a fully-clothed show for you tonight. kevin hart is here. we have music from marshmello with churches.
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a guy with a giant marshmallow on his head. i want to say congratulations to carolyn goodman who was reelected as mayor for the third term. voter turnout, only 22,000 people voted. more people saw donnie and marie at the flamingo last week than voted for mayor. so one of the great things about las vegas, and you don't know this if you don't live here, but we have the best, and by best, i mean worst, local advertisements of any city in america. [ applause ] this has been the case since i was a kid. i was very happy to learn when i turned the television on, that this tradition was still alive and well thanks in no small part to a store called the nevada coin mart. [ applause ] >> rolex watches! >> ah! >> knock out the competition!
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♪ >> jimmy: that's good stuff. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: there's a special place in my heart and in the hearts i now of many of you who lived here in the '80s for our ludicrous local ads of the past. so we combed through youtube to bring you this tv time capsule of some of the best vegas commercials from when i was growing up here. >> here you go. in henderson. of course. >> who stops at the jewellers? >> hi, i'm michael cooper speaking for the jewelers of las vegas. >> i'm larry johnson. >> winners love to buy their jewelry from mordecai. >> i'll refund the difference to you in cash. >> and he's not pulling any punches. >> as low as 10 cents on the
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dollar. >> i'm happy harry. welcome to quality liquidators. i trust everybody. i make everybody happy! >> hello. oh, hey, fred, i need your help. >> are you talking to me? >> i really need your help. my owner lost his truck and his credit in a divorce. now he can't take me to the park anymore. >> that's right, fred. >> no problem. i can finance you. if i can finance him i can finance you. >> jimmy: that guy -- [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: the gentleman who said if i can finance him, and i vill, i will finance you. fred was the second person i interviewed on the radio, the first was the great fighter leon spinks. heavyweight champion of the world!
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[cheers and applause] . that's right. fred, sadly, was unable to attend. thank you for coming, leon. i lived in las vegas from age 9 to 18. i had a few jobs. i worked cleaning up fish. i delivered pizza. the best stuff in vegas happens in the middle of the night. so i decided to take a part time job working the late shift as a driver. before you see this, know that i have a terrible sense of direction. i never know where i'm going. a lot of those pizzas i delivered were cold when i showed up. but that didn't stop me from picking up a shift with lyft. here we go, everybody. ♪ i got a custom yeah. it says ashley.
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ashley's at the travelodge. let's see. i think i'm going to have to make a left. where could that be? i got to go straight now. it's telling me. oh, [ bleep ]. i'm not going to be able to go straight. this is bad, guys. i'm going to have to jump over here and make a left. yeah, it's telling me to make the next left, and there's a little man figure standing there, but it's also confusing. now it's telling me to go back the other way. i hope they saw this sign that says "expect delays". well, you're warned. i'm the worst lyft driver. hi, ashley, how are you doing? >> good. we have been watching you the whole time. >> jimmy: oh, trying to find me? this is my first day. >> hey, jimmy kim. >> honey, i now who you are.
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>> jimmy: you do? okay. >> i was like, why is he, if he had went straight you would have been here by now. >> jimmy: you are like, there goes that idiot. >> there goes his $2 tip. >> jimmy: where are you guys headed? >> to the luxe. what brings you to vegas? >> jimmy: i picked up a side job just for fun. >> just for fun. we're going in the exact opposite direction of the luxer. so we're going wherever you take us. >> jimmy: we'll show people where we don't normally get to see. >> all right, honey, let's do it. >> jimmy: passing caesar's palace. i used to bowl at the gold coast. if you want water, i have water and gum.
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i also have shrimp. i have cocktail sauce and everything. this beautiful area is very close to where i, i was raised. >> did you steal from the burger king at some point? >> jimmy: no, never really stole anything. i will say my band leader cleto. every time we went out we would stop in an adult book store and he would steal something. >> but at an adult bookstore. >> jimmy: yeah, and he would steal like a giant sex toy. and somehow he'd get it into his pants and smuggle it out. and even we didn't know he had it. >> your bandleader. >> jimmy: yes. >> this man ended up in prison. >> jimmy: no, he ended up on television. this walgreen's was where i worked. it was a miller's outpost clothing store. i went to church down that way. you probably don't want to see that. my friend tommy perello lived here. my friend jimmy lived here. there's so many foot spas now in
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my neighborhood. it's crazy >> this is chinatown. >> jimmy: this is chinatown now. you guys didn't know i was chinese. >> yeah, shocker. >> jimmy: this is my junior high school. >> to the left? >> jimmy: yeah, this is kenny go went junior high school. i played the clarinet. it drove the women crazy. i got in a fight with a kid named hugo right here at this intersection. he had no neck, and i pointed that out, and he was mad. and he beat the crap out of me. this is my house, right here. >> oh, wow. >> jimmy: i grew up right there. yeah. what time is it right now? >> 1:30 a.m. >> jimmy: well, they're probably up, right? let's ring the bell and see what happens. >> it looks like somebody walked out the door. >> jimmy: oh, good, there is somebody here. how's it going?
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i'm jimmy kimmel. >> nice to meet you. >> jimmy: i used to live here. >> i heard that. >> jimmy: can we come in? >> it's a little messy. >> jimmy: it was a mess when i lived here. you are want to go in? it seems smaller, you know? our tv was over here and the couch was over there. and i used to stand up there. that was my room right there. this story is probably too dirty for television, but i went to the video time and rented a porno, and i was very excited. and, and i put it in the vcr. it was the only one. it was down here, and i put it in, and it made so much noise. and i just sensed something is off, something is wrong. and i slowly turn around and i realize my mother's sleeping right here. and i quietly, zip my pants up. ejected the thing, the tape, my
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heart pounding. do you still have a pool in the back yard? >> yeah. >> jimmy: come on out and see the pool. i spent many hours in this pool. why do you have a car door with bullet holes in it? you're not a mafia target or anything like that? >> no. >> jimmy: okay. someone crashed through this wall and died here in our back yard. i was in this bedroom right here. i didn't even hear it. i slept through the whole thing. did you know somebody died in your yard? >> no. no. >> jimmy: somebody died in your yard. how well do you know your roommate? >> pretty well. >> jimmy: let's go visit'em. because he's in my room, technically. >> hey, you might want to open the door, there's somebody you might want to meet. >> jimmy: did you know i grew up in this room? >> i heard rumors of it. >> jimmy: can i come in?
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>> all right. >> jimmy: it's much hipper than it was when i lived here, that's for sure. this is where i learned to enjoy my penis. right there in that area where your dresser is now. do you ever sense my spirit in here or anything like that? >> not until today. >> jimmy: all right, you can go back to bed. thanks for letting us in my room. >> it was a pleasure to meet you. i'm sorry i couldn't be more wakeful. >> jimmy: thanks, guys. thanks for letting us in in the middle of the night. i wonder where donnie & marie live. i'd like to go wake them up. >> jimmy, this has been fun. this has been an absolute delight. >> jimmy: i'm glad you guys had fun. i feel like if i had taken my kids on this tour or something like this, they would have had no interest in it whatsoever. >> because they're your kids. >> jimmy: because it was so weird you were interested. in a way, we were the perfect team. we didn't go a direct route, but
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i got you to your destination. >> we asked for a local tour, and i feel like we appropriately were given that. >> jimmy: a tip, that's nice. you owe me $385. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: tonight on the show, we have music from marshmello featuring churches, and we'll be right back with kevin hart here on the las vegas strip. ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ abc's jimmy kimmel live, brought to you by medicare from blue cross and blue shield companies. this is also mia's pu. that her doctor keeps in check, so she can find balance. this is mia's pulse, and now it's more stable than ever.
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this is what medicare from blue cross blue shield does for mia. and with over 80 years of healthcare expertise, imagine what we can do for you. this is the benefit of blue. look! it's a hmm... whale. i don't know. that's it. suit up! ♪ ha-ha! watch the fur! ♪ ahhh... what do you see in your cheetos? you lease the latest iphone and you'll get an iphone xr on us, switch to sprint and double the fun. which has a longer lasting battery life. keep one for yourself and give one to a friend. yeah, so then we can talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talkkkkkk.
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♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to the show here in las vegas. we have a special guest sitting in with the cletones, a las vegas legend, the great jerry lopez. he played in santa fe. jerry lopez will be with us all night tonight. >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: also tonight, this song is called "here with me." marshmello with churches. they have quite a show planned for us. perhaps a surprise or two. are you holding up? are you all right? >> i feel terrible. >> jimmy: i'm a little concerned. we saw the video of you singing karaoke, taking your shirt off
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again, but this is a photograph that was taken about an hour later. and this is guillermo in the casino, passed out in front of a slot machine. it's not -- >> i don't remember that! i swear to god, i don't remember that. >> jimmy: right, you know why? you're unconscious. that's why. >> crazy. >> jimmy: oh, boy, when does your wife get here? >> uh, ah, i think friday. >> jimmy: you think friday, good. we are halfway through the week. guillermo's almost done. our next guest is a huge star. he's a hugely successful standup comic. he has a show called "irresponsible" available to stream on netflix. please say hello to kevin hart!
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[cheers and applause] ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: very good to see you, kevin. thank you for coming. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: it's kind of funny, because for us, it's a huge group. this is a smaller crowd than you're used to. >> comedy club. >> jimmy: yeah, it's like a comedy club. >> no, you guys are amazing. thank you so much, man. i appreciate it. >> jimmy: when was the last time you went to your childhood home? have you done that thing where you go in and visit the people? >> no. if i do that where i'm from, i'll get punched in the damn face.
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i can't just run up in somebody home where i'm from. i went there, i actually took my kids to my childhood home. i was trying to teach a lesson, have a great parenting moment, and i was like, i want to show you the difference in how you guys are coming up and how your dad was raised. so we go to philadelphia, i'm going to take you to my -- shouts out to philadelphia if you're here, got some fellow philadelphians --. i take them to where i grew up, and i'm expecting a reaction like oh, my god, dad, this is crazy, i can't believe you lived here. instead, this is so cool! i want to live here. shut up! listen to me. it's not lesson that i'm tryin', look, this was tough for me. no, we want to stay here, let's stay the night. everybody in the car, lesson's over. forget it, forget it. >> jimmy: how often do you come to las vegas, pretty regularly, right? >> not as often as i used to. you know.
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vegas hasn't been so good to me. >> jimmy: why do you say that? >> not as much. i got in some damn trouble in vegas. i keep my ass out of vegas. i used to come a lot. >> jimmy: you're not allowed to come anymore? >> no, sir. no, sir. i'm still shaking. i'm lookin' over my back every two seconds, hey, what you doin'? no, vegas, vegas is fun, but i think as you get older, vegas changes for you. i got a little older, man, and i done lost so much [ bleep ] money. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, that's one of the biggest problems for me, looking at it and saying, i done gave them a lot of money for no reason at all. >> jimmy: what do you play? >> i play blackjack. i like blackjack. i like to play poker. if you guys go to some of the casinos i've been you'll actually see where my losses
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have went. i think at this cosmopolitan, i'm responsible for the chandelier. i definitely put that up. >> jimmy: i wondered why your face was on it. >> yeah. yeah. that's me. at arhea, they've got some new walls and carpet. anytime i see things change after a loss, i go, yeah. that's me. i'm interior decorating. >> jimmy: why do you think it is? you're probably overall a very lucky person. you bet a lot. >> i don't think that's none of your business. you don't need to get into my specific habit. >> jimmy: have you ever bet so much that you've been really nervous? >> yeah, every [ bleep ]. yeah. every, every bet. i'm going to tell you one of the worst things that happened to me. >> jimmy: okay. >> i'm having like a phenomenal shoot, for those people who play blackjack, a shoe is a deck of cards.
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you're going through it, and it's just going great. i'm hot. and there's a hand where i get like two eights. and i bet, you know, i bet a ridiculous amount of money on the hand, and i'm like, all right, i got to split that. i'm talkin' to myself. >> jimmy: what does the dealer have? >> the dealer had a six showin', six showin', i'll never forget this. i got two eights, and i was like i got to split them. and i got another eight, and i was like, hey, scared money don't make no money. let's go. i'm so excited. i split them. gimme. no, no, split that one two, four outs out there. little piece of poop came out my butt. at this point i'm extremely nervous, because i've never seen anything like this. but it's people around, so i'm trying to play it cool. i'm like, hey, hey, all right, what we got to do now? hit that, hit the first one, a three come out.
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the dealer looks at me, she's like, you got to double down. and i'm like, yeah, i know, i know. i got to double down. let's go ahead and double down. she said do you want to see it face up or face down? >> i said i want to see it, i want to see it. she put it down. the next one comes out. it's a two. so now i got a ten. she goes oh, my god. you got to double down again. i said i don't want to see it. face down. i got 18. on the last one i had another ten. the dealer had a six showing. all right, here we go. it's go time. the dealer turns over the card underneath it. in slow motion. it was, i saw it. it was a five! i said uh, uh, you got to be [ bleep ].
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oh, oh, not like this. not like this. i'm like, go slow, go slow, go slow. dealers, you know, dealers are fast to the point where you can't count. you ever try to add it up but you don't know where you're at? i know there's a five out there. she had a five, real fast, it was a three, i was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, what was that? i was like count that. you got 14. go slow, go slow. real fast, ace, ace. oh, my god! what's going on? what you got? 15! like slow motion. i've never seen anything like it if my life. real fast, what? six! 21! she took the money. she didn't even look me in the eye. she said, i just sat there. i kept counting it. i was like, hold on. 11 plus three, you got an ace,
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ace. hold on, wait a second. all right. what i have? what are these? what do i have? lift all that up. that's nothing? none of this is nothing, huh? here's what pissed me off. there's a guy behind me. he goes, man, that's [ bleep ] crazy, ain't it? i was so pissed, so pissed off. that was the longest walk to my room i've ever had. >> jimmy: maybe it's best you're not allowed to come back. we'll be right back! ♪ >> dicky: portions of jimmy kimmel live in las vegas are brought to you by ciroc vodka. ♪ can you feel the pull of gravity, as you easily climb upward?
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i went out. i bought a mirror, put it on my ceiling for no reason at all.
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it was a tuesday. true story. you don't do [ bleep ] like that on a tuesday. that's a weekend move. it was all good until i caught a reflection in that mirror while we were [ bleep ]. let me tell you, people, whatever you think you look like when you [ bleep ], you don't look like that. i'm talking about an unexpected glance at myself [ bleep ] in the mirror. i have never been more disgusted with myself as a man until i saw the bottom of my [ bleep ] feet. my feet, where was i at? >> jimmy: it's very funny. it's very dirty. this is not for the secret life of pets two crowd. >> no. no. no. it's a little raunchy. i would say rated r plus r, it is.
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>> jimmy: one of the things i loved and really i was wondering about. you disclosed your wife's porn search history. >> yeah. yeah. >> jimmy: now how does that work? do you tell her, like hey, i, there's something i want to talk about on stage? >> mm-hm. >> jimmy: let me know how you feel about it? >> no. >> jimmy: no? >> no, that's not how it happens at all. i don't say a damn thing at all. i just do it. >> jimmy: you just do it. >> she found out when she came to the comedy show what happened. that was a tough time for my. that was a tough situation in the household. because, you know, i forgot we were just having a conversation. it was a random conversation. >> jimmy: mm-hm. >> and through the random conversation, i was like, do you watch porn? she was like, yeah, i watch porn from time to time. i was like, get out of here, what do you watch? porn. let me see your stuff? let me see the [ bleep ]. and she showed me.
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it really hurt me. it did a number. it did a number. it did a hell of a number on me. because it was so different from what i am. it was so, everything was big. everything. everything. tall. everybody was tall. i got mad. what is this? what is this? she's like what? i like that stuff. oh, my heart. we're very open and honest. i love the discussions that we have. that's the beauty of standup comedy when done correctly. honesty and authenticity is what people can respond to. you want to laugh at what you can relate to and believe. putting my life out there in full is what i do and what i've been doing. >> jimmy: right. what about the kids, though? what do they think about when you talk about them? >> my kids are in love with the fact that their dad is funny. nothing is malicious. >> jimmy: of course not. >> nothing is malicious. and it's all done from my point
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of view. it's the way i see myself in certain situations. the jokes about my kids, you know, first of all, they don't have a say-so or a choice. >> jimmy: right. >> they live a very good life. so you're going to shut up and take this punishment until you get old enough to defend yourself. and, and the biggest thing for me is talking to them about the jokes that i'm developing around them. and getting their feedback on it, like, you know, when i was doing the joke about my daughter. my daughter's 14 now. one of my favorite jokes in here is the way that i handle my daughter having her first period. it was like the craziest thing for me, and i don't want to give up too much. >> jimmy: you were very prepared for it. very prepared. >> i was extremely unprepared and prepared at the same time. but it's a real moment. like these are things that really happen. and i know i'm not the only man that has been in that situation where you think you know what to do until it arrives.
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and it was just the complete opposite, you know? i ended up telling my daughter to, to go drink a gallon of milk, hurry up. it was so random, because i didn't know. i was nervous. hurry up. drink some milk. it will stop it. it will stop everything, you know? what? what? it will stop it. it will freeze it up. it will freeze it up. >> jimmy: i think that's for hot sauce. >> i had no idea where it came from. but, you know, through panicking is your some of the most fun comes from. >> jimmy: you're turning 40 in july. >> i am, man. >> jimmy: do you have a big thing planned? >> no. >> jimmy: nothing planned? >> no, i'm not doing anything. it's over. >> jimmy: is it over? >> there's the other side of fun. you look at tonight's the night. it's going to be crazy. when i saw that video of you and
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you're laying on the casino chairs, you too old for that [ bleep ]. at a certain -- >> never too old, kevin. >> no. no. you are. there's a certain point, there's a certain point where you got to look in the mirror and go, what am i doing? what am i doing? and i've drank. i've tried to do the younger version of myself has done in the past. and it's not gone over well. like i can't handle it. so for my 40th, i'm giving myself honesty. i want to sit down and watch a movie. leave me alone. [ applause ] i don't want to do anything else. i don't need anything else. i am comfortable with nothing. i don't need a celebration at all. >> jimmy: in other words, hint, hint, you want a surprise party. >> that's always a reason to fear, throw a big party and nobody's showing up. >> jimmy: everybody's invited to kevin's birthday party. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: we're going to watch a movie.
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the secret life of pets two. >> that's going to be my party. >> jimmy: watch kevin's special "irresponsible." >> dicky: portions of jimmy kimmel live in las vegas are brought to you by ciroc vodka. hey, that baker lady's on tv again. she's not a baker. she wears that apron to sell insurance. nobody knows why. she's the progressive insurance lady. they cover pets if your owner gets into a car accident. covers us with what? you got me. [ scoffs ] she's an insurance lady. and i suppose this baker sells insurance, too? progressive protects your pets like you do. you can see "the secret life of pets 2" only in theaters.
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"the secret life of pets 2" this is you shopping. and this is you maximizing at t.j.maxx. get more of the brands you love and quality you want, and save every time. it's not shopping, it's maximizing. maxx life at t.j.maxx. while america celebrated the fall of prohibition, jim beam didn't raise a single glass. he wanted his first drink to be of his own bourbon. he didn't have much money. but he did have a few friends. people who were raised the right way. over 120 days, they rebuilt the distillery. and while their names might not be on our bottle... it's because of them, we can raise this bourbon today. jim beam. raised right. but one blows them allmany moisturizers... out of the water. hydro boost with hyaluronic acid to plump skin cells so it bounces back... neutrogena®
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and try our hydrating makeup. ♪ everyone in your family mis only $10 bucks ♪ ♪ ♪ even your kid's friend who's always around ♪ ♪ at $10 bucks a head, trevor can stay ♪ ♪ 3 for $10 bucks, baby, bucks, baby, bucks ♪ ♪ mmm-hmm... ♪ together we chili's, oh yeah baby yeah ♪ you lease the latest iphone and you'll get an iphone xr on us, switch to sprint and double the fun. which has a longer lasting battery life. keep one for yourself and give one to a friend. yeah, so then we can talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talkkkkkk. buy 1 get 1 50% off dog and cat fourth, with food, deals like... and holiday dog toys, apparel, beds and more! plus, treats members get 50% more points on all purchases! now that's a celebration... ...petsmart!
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pringles wavy. with a big crunch and totally different flavors, they're not really pringles. just like that's not really daddy. yes it is. ok. pringles wavy. they're not, not pringles. hi, do you have a travel card? we do! the discover it® miles card. earn unlimited 1.5 miles on every purchase, plus we'll match your miles at the end of your first year. you'll match my miles? yeah! mile for mile!
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and no blackout dates or annual fee. nice! i was thinking about taking a scuba diving trip! i love that. or maybe go surfing... or not. ok. maybe somewhere else. maybe a petting zoo. can't go wrong. can't get eaten. earn miles. we'll match 'em at the end of your first year. plus no annual fee or blackouts. the discover it® miles card. ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ >> jimmy: is it okay to wipe your hands on a baby if it's your baby? >> absolutely. yeah, absolutely. you own it, right? >> jimmy: i think so. >> i own my kids, and i do it all the time. you're at a restaurant or whatever, especially in a high chair, they're not going anywhere. >> jimmy: they're already dirty. >> they're already dirty. i used to be discrete about it. now it's just, you know. >> jimmy: baby wipe. >> baby wipe. that's what i always thought a baby wipe was. >> jimmy: when using a urinal, where do you look? >> um, i usually look like that way, right? >> jimmy: down? >> i would either go this way or that way. right? is that what most people do?
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>> jimmy: what's the sexiest thing you ever saw your grandma do? >> wow, i mean, when was she not sexy? i mean, up until the end. >> jimmy: you okay? a toast to your grandma. >> all right. hey. >> dicky: ciroc vodka, the answer to all of life's ridiculous questions, and for a limited time, try ciroc watermelon. with moderate to severe ulcerative colitis, are you okay? even when i was there, i never knew when my symptoms would keep us apart. so i talked to my doctor about humira. i learned humira can help get, and keep uc under control when other medications haven't worked well enough. and it helps people achieve control that lasts. so you can experience few or no symptoms. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis.
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serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. be there for you, and them. ask your gastroenterologist about humira. with humira, control is possible. steady the elbow.shoot me one? ♪ ♪ ahh boom shaka laka. feisty. ♪ ahh
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[[airpod case clicking open]g] hey siri, play me something new. ♪ music playing ♪ ♪ it was just past one when two three men from four five ♪ ♪ step to me door like ♪ oh my gosh ♪ just throw that cash in a black bag ♪ ♪ run around the back and ♪ pull up the track, cause yaow ♪ ♪ i just learnt some jazz today, it's true ♪ ♪ you gon' learn ♪ ♪ you gon' learn ♪ ♪ you gon' learn, hey ♪ ♪ depend® fit-flex underwear for all day fun... features maximum absorbency, ultra soft fabric and new beautiful designs for your best comfort and protection guaranteed. life's better when you're in it. be there with depend®. but dad, you've got allstate. with accident forgiveness they guarantee your rates won't go up just because of an accident. smart kid. indeed. are you in good hands?
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with this one little nexgard chew comes the confidence, you're doing what's right, to protect your dog from fleas and ticks for a full month. it's the #1 vet recommended protection. and it's safe for puppies. nexgard. what one little chew can do. olay ultra moisture body wash gives skin the nourishment it needs and keeps it there longer with lock-in moisture technology. skin is petal smooth. because your best skin starts with olay.
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this is something bigger.g. that is big. not as big as that. big. bigger. big. bigger. this is big. and that's bigger.
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hey, everybody, this is cook e jarr. tomorrow, music from iggy azalea, and jimmy's going to make cousin sal, guillermo and aunt chippy do the zip line. i can't wait for that. welcome back the jimmy, we love you, man. [cheers and applause]
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>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series in las vegas is presented by mercedes benz, the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i waoltoatn. "nightline" is next, but first,
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the song is called "here with me." here with some help from chvrches. marshmello! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ can i tell you something just between you and me when i hear your voice i know i'm finally free ♪ ♪ every single word is perfect as it can be and i need you here with me ♪ ♪ when you lift me up i know that i'll never fall i can speak to you ♪ ♪ by saying nothing at all every single time i find it harder to breathe 'cause i need you ♪ ♪ here with me everyday you're saying the words that i want you to say ♪ ♪ there's a pain in my heart and it won't go away now i know i'm falling in deep ♪ ♪ 'cause i need you here with me
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everyday you're saying the words that ♪ ♪ i want you to say there's a pain in my heart and it won't go away now i know ♪ ♪ i'm falling in deep 'cause i need you here with me i think i see your face ♪ ♪ in every place that i go i try to hide it but i know that it's gonna show every single night ♪ ♪ i find it harder to sleep 'cause i need you here with me everyday you're saying ♪ ♪ the words that i want you to say there's a pain in my heart and it ♪ ♪ won't go away now i know i'm falling in deep 'cause i need you ♪
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♪ here with me everyday you're saying the words that i want you to say ♪ ♪ there's a pain in my heart and it won't go away now i know ♪ ♪ i'm falling in deep 'cause i need you here with me can i tell you ♪ ♪ something just between you and me when i hear your voice i know i'm finally free ♪ ♪ every single word is perfect as it can be 'cause i need you here with me ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]
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this is "nightline." tonight. down the old town road to success, with lil' nas x. breaking a help hop record. how he changed the game by challenging what it means to be country and is now coming out with a personal truth. plus, baby face. the mini model's majestic mane,, first blowing up on instagram. so is social media the new casting call for more pint-sized models? and the new aerial making a splash under the sea, the upcoming live action reboot of the classic "the littl

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