>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- bob odenkirk. comedian whitney cummings. guillermo, live in dildo. and music from pete yorn. and now, relax -- jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. thank you for being a part of my life. i appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] well, that's very nice of you. we have many things to get to tonight. starting with an exciting development in my career. you know, i've been hosting and co-hosting television shows for a long time, more than 20 years, and every once in a while people ask me what lu do next? and i never had an answer

because mostly i just keep doing this. but over the last couple weeks my future and maybe even my destiny has become more clear. my plan is to move to newfoundland to become mayor of a small but fascinating town. >> the people of have a new neighbor. one of the oldest motorcycle clubs in the country. and the small community making a big statement about plastic bags. these stories plus dildo's ready for jimmy kimmel if jimmy is ready for dildo. >> yes, he is. he's never been more ready for dildo. right, guillermo? oh, right, guillermo's not here because guillermo is in dildo. he's leading my advance team. and word on the street in dildo is there's a lot of excitement for his visit. >> any sign of guillermo yet? >> well, caroline, not yet. we're still waiting around to see. but everyone's eyes are peeled for guillermo and that's what everyone's talking about too.

they're wondering where he is, when he's going to arrive. >> jimmy: that's pretty much what we wonder every day here at work. [ laughter ] it's like a tropical storm. anyway, minutes from now we will check in with guillermo, who is in dil -- we want to hear all about his first dildo experience. [ laughter ] i don't know. i think this plan makes sense for me. the united states and canada have one of if not the closest relationship of any two countries in the world. we share the world's longest border. our militaries work hand in hand. we have the largest trading relationship of any two nations on the planet. but we also have donald trump, which complicates things. and this is an interesting nugget. back in 2017 our president sent handwritten notes to the canadian prime minister, justin trudeau, and he wrote those notes in sharpie. for real. axios reported when trudeau got the first note in sharpie he felt it was a prank. they called the white house to make sure the notes were really from trump. somebody had to say, yeah, yeah, he sent it in sharpie. not just sharpie.

silver sharpie. he used a silver sharpie pen. so one of the notes he wrote on the cover of bloomberg business week, "justin trudeau is on the cover, and they called him the anti-trump. and trump wrote, "looking good. hope it's not true." [ laughter ] just to recap, trump tore the cover off a magazine, wrote on it in sharpie, and mailed it to the prime minister of canada. like the zodiac killer or something. [ laughter ] justin trudeau, by the way, isn't the president's only pen pal. trump was bragging this weekend about a love letter he received from his man in north korea. >> i got a very beautiful letter from kim jong un yesterday. it was delivered, hand-delivered -- it was a very positive letter. >> what did he say? >> i'd love to give it to you. i really would. he really wrote a beautiful, from top to bottom, a really beautiful letter. >> jimmy: so beautiful his lip gets all sweated up talking about it.

[ laughter ] he mentioned his three pages from top to bottom. as if word count like it's a book report. and if that wasn't enough he tweeted about the letter too. he said the letter contained a small apology for test the short-range missiles. i'm sure that -- i'd love to see it. i bet anything there's no snaul apology, there's no apology of any size in that letter. that is a load of crap. but he went on and he said i look forward to seeing kim jong un in the not too distant future. this is how he responds after a missile launch. he probably saw the word "launch" and thought it said lunch. [ laughter ] he was like, hey. it was like he made a friend at dictator cam. and now he wants to have a sleepover. i don't know what his plan is with this but the president has shown kim jong un so much affection, watch this. watch this and try to imagine him saying any of this stuff about melania. >> my relationship is very good with chairman kim. >> i have a very good relationship with kim jong un. gre relationship with kim jong un. >> i think the relationship that

we've developed has meant so much to so many people. >> i have a good relationship with him. i like him. he likes me. >> he's quite a guy and quite a character. and i think our relationship is very strong. >> he follows my twitter. >> but he's never had a relationship with anybody from this country and hasn't had lots of relationships anywhere. >> the relationship is really a good one. >> we respect each other. we respect each other. maybe we like each other. >> and then we fell in love. okay? no, really. he wrote me beautiful letters. and they're great letters. we fell in love. >> jimmy: well, there you are. [ cheers and applause ] they're going to have some ugly kids. meanwhile, the front-runner for the democrats has been having some trouble with his mouth. joe biden made not one but two dopey comments at the iowa state fair. this one on the subject of donald trump. >> everybody knows who donald trump is. even his supporters know who he

is. we've got to let him know who we are. we choose unity over division. we choose science over fiction. we choose truth over facts. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's what happens when you let him out in the sun without a hat. even kellyanne conway was like, what? [ laughter ] then bide hen to tap dance his way out of this. >> we have this notion that somehow if you're poor you cannot do it. poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids. wealthy kids. black kids. asian kids. >> jimmy: cabbage patch kids. sour patch kids. [ laughter ] it's -- oh, boy. [ cheers and applause ] well, at least he's saying this stuff by accident. but biden isn't backing down. he's not making excuses. this is a man who speaks his mind, whether it makes a bit of sense or not. >> i'm running for president because i believe this country can do better than the

divisiveness and hate of donald j. crew. i believe america should work for everyone, whether you're rich or stupid, black or ma male or transvegetable, chicken or fish, woman or baby goat. we're all part of this great country. and next september we need to send a message to arnold trump. hasta la vista, baby. so please join us by sending 303027 to http hashtag 3022 dot aol at gmail. i'm joe mama and i approve this message. [ applause ] >> jimmy: here's one for joe mama. my campaign to lead the into to dildo is really heating up. they ask a question of the week on the local tv there. this was the question this week.

>> in our nqo question of the week we asked do you think jimmy kimmel should run for mayor of dildo? we'll have the results on monday. >> jimmy: okay. well, it's monday, and the results are in. let's see how i did. >> time now for the results of our nqo question of the week. this woke we asked you do you think jimmy kimmel should run for mayor of dilledo? and here's what you said. 52% of you said yes. 48% of you said no. wow. that's a close one. [ applause ] >> jimmy: i'm not running against anybody. there must be some kind of russian interference here because i mentioned that my advance team touched down in dildo this weekend. they're distributing signs all over the community for supporters to post around town. you can see we've got a sign there by the water. we've got signs on people's homes. we've got it at the dildo brewing company. they posted a sign. and also outside the coffee

shop, which is our official campaign headquarters. and let's go live to those headquarters now to dildo coffee and crab where guillermo has landed. [ applause ] hi, everyone. hi, guillermo. how's dildo? >> guillermo: dildo is great. fantastic! >> jimmy: it is? are you excited to be there? >> guillermo: i've been excited. people here are very friendly. i love dildo. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: why does it sound like you're reading a script in a hostage video? [ laughter ] >> guillermo: never, jimmy. that's from the bottom of my heart. >> jimmy: really? because i saw a text exchange that you had with one of our producers, jen. and she said -- hey, let's put the text up. she said, hey, guillermo, we're sending you to dildo all next week. and you said "i think is bull [ bleep ]." [ laughter ] and then she said, "we have you booked on a red eye sunday

night." and you said, "so is confirmed is bull [ bleep ]. the whole week? unbelievable." [ laughter ] >> guillermo: jimmy. >> jimmy: yes. >> guillermo: i was drunk, jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how does that differ from -- all right. are you happier now that you're there? >> guillermo: i'm very happy, jimmy. it's so nice. so beautiful. >> jimmy: what did your wife say when you told her you were leaving her for dildo? [ laughter ] >> guillermo: she told me bring me something from dildo. >> jimmy: okay. now, tell me about the town. what are your impressions so far? >> guillermo: so far it's so good, jimmy. everybody like i say is friendly. it's nice. it's a beautiful city here. >> jimmy: andrew is next to you. andrew pretty. he's been helping us organize our campaign. how is giermo fitting in? is he doing a good job representing me? >> he was until we seen that text. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, don't worry,

guillermo, you'll only be there for a whole week explaining that. >> guillermo: it's okay, jimmy. i like dildo. >> jimmy: oh, okay. andrew, how's it going? how am i doing? how am i polling? i saw 52 to 48. i'm concerned. >> the thing is we don't have an electoral college. so the majority vote goes. so we now how that worked for trump. >> jimmy: all right. john is also there. john reed. he performed an original song last week. john, what was the name of the song? just remind us. >> "the dildo song." >> jimmy: the dildo song. i love that song. have you been signed to a label yet? have you been receiving any calls? >> no. but jimmy, it's just like -- we've got a big thing going here now. >> jimmy: now, i also see someone very special just behind guillermo. we saw a news clip last week and they asked the locals if they believed i was going to actually come to dildo and everyone said no except for one man and that is this gentleman, my new best

friend in dildo, brent. hello, brent. >> how's it going? [ applause ] i'm nug. >> jimmy: nug? why do they call you nug? >> because i ain't shaped like a french fry. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i see. okay. well, what are we going to do for fun, brent, when i get there? >> oh, buddy, i've got some spots to show you. good times. >> jimmy: you do? are you going to show guillermo any of those spots? >> oh, he's coming later on tonight after we leave here. guillermo. >> guillermo: that's right. >> hat and all. >> jimmy: oh, guillermo, i love this so much. well, thank you. hey, brent, thank you. nug, thank you for your support. and john and andrew and everybody there. i'm so glad to have you as part of the team. can i count on you? can i say you're part of the team? i see you're all wearing the hats and stuff. yes? [ applause ] and you're going to go out and bang on doors in the community. hey, by the way, since i do a

show, a late-night show, i'd like it if you go knock on doors in the middle of the night. that seems like it would be the best, right? >> whoo! >> guillermo: whatever you say, boss. >> we're trying to institute some of your ideas. we've already got the dildonuts. jammi kimmel flavor. >> jimmy: they're not the right shape. but okay. [ laughter ] i was thinking something oblong. thank you. we'll be checking in with you all week. get out there and make me the mayor of this town. we have to get going. the summer goes by fast. guillermo, you're in charge. all right? >> guillermo: that's right. we're going to start right now. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and let me just say one more thing. i understand that i'm not canadian. but i figure if we can have a dildo running america why can't we have an american running dildo?

[ laughter ] we have a great show tonight. we have music from pete yorn. whitney cummings is here. and we'll be right back with bob oden kirk. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by volkswagen. this is something bigger. that is big. not as big as that. big. bigger. big. bigger. this is big. and that's bigger.

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and you even get this. mike, you're on balloons. sarah, you're gonna high five everybody. ben, you're gonna be wowing them with your dance moves. don't miss the xfinity best deal of the year. now that's simple, easy, awesome. get amazing tv and internet during our best deal of the year. with huge savings of $600 over 2 years. plus a speed upgrade to 400 megs, free for 2 years. and ask about even more savings with xfinity mobile. click, call or visit a store today. >> jimmy: tonight wref we have a new netflix comedy special called "can i touch it." witney cummings is here with us. this is not her album. she had nothing to do with this. but whitney brought a sex robot that looks just like her. it's weird. this is his new album. it's called "caretakers." pete yorn from the mercedes-benz stage tonight. you can see pete live on tour starting october 9th in sapta ana, california.

tomorrow night henry wichkler will be here. roselyn sanchez will join us. we'll have music from daniel caesar. and later this week, jim gaffigan, gerard butler, david alan grier, dave salmoni and his wild animal friends, plus music from snoop dogg and the avett brothers. but not together. so please join us for that. for ten years our first guest has been playing a character who goes by many names, but you know him best as saul. he is nominated for an emmy for his work in "better call saul," which returns to amc early next year. please welcome bob odenkirk. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ nute. >> oh. no. this is a practice emmy. >> jimmy: it's a practice emmy?

>> yeah. >> jimmy: did they give those to the -- like all the nominees? >> no. i got this at goodwill. [ laughter ] it's some show called "small wonder." >> jimmy: oh, that was a great show. sure. >> it won best show ever. >> jimmy: and why did you get it? >> oh, just to warm up. you know, because this is my fourth time, jimmy, and i think it's the charm. i think definitely winning. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> absolutely going to win this one! >> jimmy: okay. you know, i -- i think it's the third time is the charm. but the competition in your category is very, very tough. how do you know you're going to win? >> the numbers don't lie. and i crunched them. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what numbers specifically did you crunch? >> jimmy. ye of little faith. >> jimmy: these are jacket numbers? oh. wow. >> those are my stats. >> jimmy: what am i looking at? >> i gave 110% every time i

acted this year. >> jimmy: 110% every time. >> you can look and see. 110, 110. >> jimmy: i am seeing a lot of 110s. >> all these guys are wonderful thespians. they gave it their all. 100%. but that extra 10%, that's what i got. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, yeah, i can see. i don't know if people can see. there are a lot of 110s. but what about the ones that say 20? does that mean those are days you gave only 20%? >> that's when there was a cubs game on. >> jimmy: oh. and then some of the days there's zeros actually. which -- >> that's when i was planning my emmy speech. distracting. >> jimmy: how did they get this -- like how did they get a reading on what percent you're giving? >> oh. it's -- it's a simple sensor. it just -- -- they put it in your lower intestine. it's a little metal wand. >> jimmy: how does it get in

there? >> you ever have a colonoscopy? >> jimmy: yeah. >> anyway. just some information if you want -- >> jimmy: nobody told me about this. i didn't know. i've been given like -- oh, wow. that goes right up in there. [ laughter ] >> it's kind of a long metal wand. that old microphone. >> jimmy: does it hurt? >> it hurts like hell! >> jimmy: it looks like it hurts. >> but it was worth it! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's the first time my reading glass have appeared on the show. i heard you're writing a memoir. >> i am. >> jimmy: you're going back all the way to the beginning of -- >> yeah. it's called comedy, comedy, comedy drama sxwrrpt is that the name? >> that's the real name. because i did comedy for most of my career. "saturday night live." mr. show. many things. [ applause ] lots of stuff. and i thought -- i thought it

would be kind of fun to write. >> jimmy: right. >> wrong. >> jimmy: not true? do you remember like everything? >> no, i don't remember a thing. >> jimmy: how do you get -- >> i have to interview people. and they remind you of what an ass you were. >> jimmy: is that what you're getting? >> it's true. and then people are very generous. but i don't believe them. but it is really hard to remember what you did. >> jimmy: you're relying on other people to remember things about you, which is kind of self-absorbed just to start with. >> it's horrible. here's the thing. if you're going to write a memoir or a biography, just pick someone you like. >> jimmy: to write it about? >> not yourself. pick the worst, most person in your life. >> jimmy: do you find people are being blunt with you and saying -- >> oh, no. they're mostly nice. sometimes people say i was a [ bleep ]. but i knew that then. i was a very critical guy when i was younger.

>> jimmy: i see. >> since then i've softened up from getting punched in the head. >> jimmy: how did you soften up? >> you know. time. right? you stop being so critical. >> jimmy: a lot of people go the other way. as they get older they get more critical. >> well, that's sad. >> jimmy: do you feel -- because you have two children who are older -- not old but they're of breeding age certainly. does that inhibit you when you decide -- >> no. because i've always been really pretty honest, as honest as i could be with the kids. you know, so if i talk about, say, drugs i might say, you know, if you're going to do mushrooms be in hawaii. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, that's -- >> no, but really. i didn't do a lot of drugs. so it's easy for me to be honest. i didn't like them. >> jimmy: you didn't like them. well, that's something. will that be covered in the book? >> no. i'm going to talk about showbiz stories. pure shallow -- the shallowest memoir you've ever read.

that's my goal. just showbiz. >> jimmy: will this appearance be in the book? >> it will be a huge chunk of the book. >> jimmy: i'm going to be totally honest with you. when someone i know writes a book about their life and they talk about showbiz stories i go right to the back and then i never see my name at the end. >> i'll jam it in there. >> jimmy: please. just put me in the appendix. i don't care if i'm even mentioned. >> i'll figure out a way -- >> jimmy: kimmel, jimmy. remember i like it like that. you were raised catholic, correct? >> yes. which means i'm an atheist now. [ laughter ] [ applause ] first joke i ever told in stand-up. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: there's something for your book right there. did you think about maybe instead of comedy, comedy, comedy drama you just call it comedy, comedy drama, then it's ccd and then you've got a whole religious subtext? >> oh. >> jimmy: did you go to ccd? >> yes, i did. for years. >> jimmy: and it didn't take? >> i don't know.

maybe it worked too well. maybe i listened too closely. >> jimmy: maybe so. >> i can't go into this. my mom might hear it. >> jimmy: is that right? your mom still -- your mom's still serious? >> very. yes. >> jimmy: you are going to be on the simpsons next season. >> yes, i am. guess what? they're letting me play a lawyer. >> jimmy: oh, is that is right? your brother's a writer on the simpsons. >> he is. my brother bill is a wonderful hilarious person and also a doctorate in chemistry. >> jimmy: wow. what a waste. [ laughter ] >> he finished that and just walked away from it. and became a comedy writer. and he's done very well. >> jimmy: who are you playing on "the simpsons"? >> i play a lawyer who charges by the hour, so who talks very slowly. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i like that. we're going to come back. we're going to see a clip from "better call saul" for which bob is nominated for an emmy award. bob odenkirk. we'll be right back.

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if you want to come with me to the office, there's some paperwork for you to sign. >> absolutely. let's do this thing. oh, and sweetheart, i'm going to need one more form. a dba i'm not going to be practicing under the name mcgill. so. >> shouldn't be a problem. just down the hall we have all the forms. >> great. >> wait, jimmy. what? >> it's all good, man. >> jimmy: that's bob odenkirk in "better call saul," which is nominated for nine emmy awards. that's a lot of emmy awards. >> and we are knocked out to be noticed because you know, our show is on amc, the great amc. come on. [ applause ] >> jimmy: you still think it's a car. >> because it's on regular sort of tv it hasn't been on for so long. it doesn't stream this fourth season for a few months. >> jimmy: that's right. >> so to get nominated after all these months not on the air is really -- it just knocked us

out. we thought we'd be passed over. >> jimmy: and you have one of the great characters. and why isn't amc streaming? everyone's streaming everything. >> i don't know how anything works. >> jimmy: did they not have wi-fi? >> i couldn't get google to happen on my computer today. >> jimmy: really? >> i'm so bad. >> jimmy: oh, that is bad. >> it's pathetic. google. what, google -- >> jimmy: are you shooting season 56 of the sh season 5 of the show right now? >> we are. we're almost at the end of it. and i promise you all the fans of "better call saul" this is for sure the best season ever. i'm just not -- 5 is really -- they're pouring all their focus and attention -- the show was create by vince gilligan who -- >> jimmy: he's the greatest. >> he created "breaking bad" and peter gould. and these two guys, this amazing writing staff, they're just rolling. you know, "breaking bad" was so great. it built up and then it starts exploding in every direction, you know. and that's where our show is at.

the wheels are coming off. >> jimmy: are you almost to the point where "breaking bad" begins? >> jimmy, can i phone my lawyer? >> jimmy: you can't say. >> i can't say anything about -- i'm so eager to. i wish i could share. >> jimmy: all right. i look forward to seeing it. >> thank you. >> jimmy: it's always wonderful to see you. >> i was going to sing. jfrpt y >> jimmy: you were going to what? sing? i didn't -- [ cheers and applause ] i didn't know that. does the band know? >> no, i was going to sing later in my car. [ laughter ] and my throat's a little dry. i was wondering if i could get some water. >> jimmy: well, there's water right there. >> some fresh water i can -- >> jimmy: oh, you want fresh water? >> this sounds like a different actor. >> jimmy: can we get? fresh water, please? the water is not fresh enough here. thank you so much. >> oh, hey, dad. >> thanks. oh, hey. it's my son. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: his son nate has been -- you've been doing a great job. he's been interning all summer with us. >> wow.

how about that? you got a job on a tv show, huh? >> yeah. it's been great. >> i want to hear about it. what's it called, this show? >> jimmy: it's -- >> "jimmy kimmel live." >> that's wonderful. now, is it on tv? or is it one of those youtube things i can't get a hold of? >> jimmy: it's on abc. we've been on almost 17 years now. you've been on a bunch of times. "jimmy kimmel live." >> jimmy kimmel. that's your name. [ laughter ] i don't really watch tv. but is there any way for a person, a regular appearance like me to see this thing? >> well, like jimmy said, it's on abc. so -- >> i don't think i get that in my bundle. [ laughter ] but maybe you can make a tape for me? anyway, congratulations. i'm proud of you. this is my son. [ applause ] and oh. tell jimmy i said hi. >> jimmy, my dad says hi. >> jimmy: oh, tell him i return the hi. >> he returned the hi. >> this is my son nate. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's a good kid. >> thank you. >> jimmy: bob odenkirk,

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>> dicky: if you're going to be in the l.a. area and want to see the show, call 866-jimmy-tix or go to jimmykimmellive.com. ♪ music playing ♪ good morning, i am bringing you some sad and upsetting news. first and foremost i want to... i am a journalist, i can feel when the world needs me. because guess what, america loves me! i'm just here to deliver the news to america, that's all i ever wanted to do. people get their horrible news, delivered to the palm of their hand. don't you ever question my integrity in my own house again. i feel that people are screaming for an honest conversation. i can guarantee that you are underestimating me. i think they want to know the person behind the facade. i have to fight back! you're not listening! i push, that's just my nature. i don't need to justify anything. and they all want to be right, and they all want to win. we are doing this my way. i think they want to trust, that the person that is telling them the truth about the world, is an honest person. ♪

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>> jimmy: still to come, music from pete yorn. our next guest is a very funny person who hit two big milestones this year. she got engaged and helped create her own sex robot. her new stand-up comedy special is called "can i touch it?" it's available now on netflix. please welcome whitney cummings! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> i'm wonderful, sir. how are you? >> jimmy: i'm doing well. how is your engagement going? congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] you've got a ring and everything. >> we'll see. let's be honest. the odds are stacked against me.

and this is my personality. so this could go either way. >> jimmy: are you planning a wedding? are you deep in that right now? >> i'm not, sir. >> jimmy: you're not? >> here's what i've noticed about when you -- at least when i get engaged, my friends start giving me advice based on the fact that they don't want to come to a wedding. >> jimmy: really? >> all my friends are like you should have a small wedding. just a small wedding. just you and your guy and nobody else. [ laughter ] do you not want to come to my wedding? >> jimmy: that's weird. >> loud and clear. >> jimmy: your fiance is miles, correct? >> correct. >> jimmy: what does he do for work? >> i don't know. >> jimmy: you do not know. [ laughter ] does it even matter to you? >> not in the slightest. >> jimmy: you're a big star. >> i'm an shallow persnot a sha. bim on the edge of my seat in terms of what he does. he tried to explain it to me a couple of times. i'm more confused every time i hear the explanation. but it's good. it keeps it hot. it's like the first date. i'm like what do you do, sir that lives with me? >> jimmy: that's how we handled

my dad for like 40 years. nobody knew what he did. [ laughter ] like is he in show business? >> he's not in show business, which i think i needed. i think for me like i think there should be one famous person in the relationship. one person in like the public eye. i find the key to a healthy relationship is having power you can lord over the other person. >> jimmy: definitely. >> intimacy is all about leverage. like i can trap him. he can't cheat on me. what's he going to do? come talk about it on jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: he's got no outlet. >> what are you going to do, miles skinner? what are you going to do? [ laughter ] good luck cheating on me. >> jimmy: is he like involved in -- is he interested in the whole show business thing, celebrities and whatnot? >> i was actually worried because like meeting celebrities, i mean, it is weird sometimes, especially in the beginning. i was really worried about bringing him to your wife's birthday party. molly kimmel had a -- >> jimmy: why would you be worried?

>> because there are famous people there. and you never know how you're going to react. like when i first started meeting famous people i did some stupid things. >> jimmy: like who? >> when i was 250 years old i met samuel l. jackson and i got starstruck and it manifested in me being unable to censor my thoughts. so i started saying things i was thinking out loud to sam jackson. he introduced himself to me and i responded with "hi, i'm whitney cummings. how much money do you have?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what did sam say? >> he responded with a number. >> jimmy: oh, he gave you a number. >> that i know know is a very high number. but at the time i didn't know anything about hollywood or celebrities or money. so i thought every celebrity had $1 billion. like cash. sew said a very high number. to me it just sounded low at the time. so i responded with oh, that's it? [ laughter ]

>> jimmy: you don't stay in touch i'm guessing. >> not so much. so i have to live with that every day. so i get the idea of being nervous. so he came to your party. he's also not a big comedy guy. like he watches movies like with machines, the fly arounds. >> jimmy: i see. transformers. >> that's right. so i think maybe he meets you, no problem. he meets jason bateman no, problem. matt damon, no problem. i'm like this guy doesn't -- >> jimmy: how did he get into the party? [ laughter ] you know what i? don't want to -- you go ahead. >> it makes you look good. it makes you guys look good. it makes you guys look like you're not shallow. it's good to have a couple commoners around. >> jimmy: all right. >> so we're doing great. we sit down. the great j.j. abrams comes and says hello to everybody. i know. national treasure j.j. abrams. the most gracious, kind, weirdly kind person.

says hi to everyone. introduces himself to my fiance. my fiance goes cold and says, what's up, dude? what's your name? >> jimmy: oh. did he not know? >> oh, he knows. this is a man who stands in line to get into "star wars" movies. it was very clear that he he was having some kind of manic break. >> jimmy: i see. >> and felt that the best way to deal with j.j. abrams was just to emotionally abuse him for no reason. [ laughter ] j.j. to his credit was so sweet. he was like i'm j.j. abrams. i think he's seen this before, how people just start tome oceanly melt down around him. and then my fiance couldn't stop there. my fiance went, so what do you do, man? >> jimmy: oh, he did, yeah. [ laughter ] >> j.j. abrams was so nice about it. he was like oh, i make movies. it just got worse and worse. and i was paralyzed with shame. i was so embarrassed i just froze. and then my fiance froze. neither of us were talking to j.j. abrams. he was just sitting there like i

don't need this. he gets up and leaves. and i'm like what was that? what did you just do? and he said i read in a magazine that celebrities want to be treated like everyone else. [ laughter ] i was thinking, that's how you treat everyone else? [ laughter ] it was a big fight. we fought about it for a couple of weeks. >> jimmy: well, i hope he's learned and next time maybe you'll have a nice interaction with j.j. >> i hope so. >> jimmy: well, i want to -- first of all, your special is very funny. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and i watched it. i watched it from the beginning to the very, very end. where you made this sex robot. >> yeah, i did. >> jimmy: now, this sex robot, is it okay to reveal the name? >> oh of course. spoiler alert. >> jimmy: you go ahead. >> her name is bear claw. >> jimmy: her name is bear claw. she looks like you. and you brought her -- >> she's here. >> jimmy: she brought her to the show. [ laughter ] she's kind of at a weird angle.

oh, there -- >> jimmy: we can ask questions? >> yeah. ask her anything. >> jimmy: are copies of you available for sale? >> i wish i was for sale so i didn't have to live with whitney. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: she's living with you. how much does this thing weigh, this sex robot? >> i think you should say how much does it cost? you're turning into me talking to sam jackson. she weighs -- she's 120 pounds of dead weight. carrying her around is a living nightmare. if you do get a robot of yourself, i strongly advise you to unplug your ring camera because i had a situation where i -- oh, no. >> jimmy: this is your actual ring camera from your home. >> this is me carrying her into the house. >> jimmy: and that's miles? >> that's miles. bless his heart. >> jimmy: well, he's positioned well. [ laughter ] why not -- i mean, that's a threesome you're having right there. >> that's right.

we are polyamorous. we are a mormon family. i forgot that i was on a shared neighborhood watch community. >> jimmy: oh. >> where we would share each other's ring cameras. shortly after that video a security guard i didn't even know we had security in my neighborhood, came by and was like ma'am, there are some concerned citizens in the neighborhood that would like to know what's going on. i was like oh, my god, oh my god, you probably think that was a dead body. i totally get it. it wasn't. come inside. it's just a robot that looks exactly like me. [ laughter ] and he was much more alarmed when he found out it was not a dead body. >> jimmy: he would have preferred the dead body p. >> he was like i would much rather you murdered an innocent woman. >> jimmy: it's fascinating that world you dipped your toe into there. it's detailed in whitney's special. it's called "whitney : can i to" it's on netflix. whitney cummings, everyone. we'll be right back with pete yorn. [ cheers and applause ]

♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by the all new 2019 a-class. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.

>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: thanks to bob odenkirk and whitney cummings. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next but first, this is his album. it's called "caretakers." here with the song "calm down," pete yorn! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ all is well in my hometown people sleeping in the streetlight ♪ ♪ if there's a memory at all

i wish i knew then what i know now ♪ ♪ calm down you know i'm tellin' the truth ♪ ♪ and when i look at you you know i'm tellin' the truth calm down ♪ ♪ i never had to choose 'cause when i look at you i know there's nothin' to lose ♪ ♪ all is well in your world now people dreamin' through the daylight ♪ ♪ all the melodies come back i wish i knew then what i know now ♪

♪ calm down you know i'm tellin' the truth ♪ ♪ and when i look at you you know i'm tellin' the truth calm down ♪ ♪ i never had to choose 'cause when i look at you i know there's nothin' to lose ♪ ♪ all the tears i've cried but i wouldn't change a thing ♪ ♪ no i wouldn't change a thing all the times we've tried ♪ ♪ but i wouldn't change a thing calm down ♪ ♪ no i wouldn't change a thing calm down ♪

♪ calm down ♪ ♪ ♪ but i wouldn't change a thing ♪

[ cheers and applause ] this is "nightline." >> tonight, suicide scandal. jeffrey epstein's accusers outraged. >> i really wanted justice. i really wanted him to be put in jail or prison. >> what it now means for the case. what's fueling wild conspiracy theories surrounding his death and finger pointing at the prison. caught off guard. plus, reveal repeal. celebration, jubilation. now contemplation. rethinking gender reveal parties. >> the problem was -- the expectations we're putting on our kids. >> the woman who started it all now having second thoughts about putting a label on baby. but first, the "nightline" five.