Skip to main content

tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  January 14, 2020 11:35pm-12:38am PST

11:35 pm
larry's fixed his nail. he's fine. >> i'm ama daetz. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- allison janney, comedian ilana glazer, and music from scarypoolparty. and now, most likely, jimmy kimmel! ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: hi. thank you. you're very kind. i appreciate that. i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming. thanks for joining us. on yet another, it was debate night in america once again. debate number seven from des moines, iowa, six democrats qualified for tonight's showdown, which is the last before the iowa caucuses next
11:36 pm
month. and this is the group on stage tonight. you can see this photo. it's so wide it just got nominated for best picture. the closest this debate between democrats who talk a lot about diversity came to diversity is that it was held at drake university. drake's half black. so that might be a different, much of the drama going into tonight was centered on a feud between elizabeth warren and bernie sanders who have been friends for many years. warren claims that in 2018 before they were running, sanders told her a woman could not win the presidency. bernie called that claim ludicrous and says the conversation did not take place. back in 1919, bernie sanders was one of the first senators to support a woman's right to vote. but this is a rare and unexpected rift between the senators. they're usually on the same page. up until now, bernie and elizabeth warren have spent just about every debate looking like a married couple at a diner.
11:37 pm
complaining that their soup isn't hot enough. [cheers and applause] so last night in new orleans, the lsu tigers beat the clemson tigers [cheers and applause] to win the college football national title. the president and first lady were at the game. seeing melania in public reminds me of when morgan freedman got to drink a beer on the wall at shawshank. he tweeted two videos of the crowd cheering for him, bigger than what neil armstrong got when he came back from the moon. the president loves to get love from a crowd, which i actually have an idea that could solve a lot. i say we move the oval office to the superdome. trump can sit at a desk, right on the 50 yard line. and get cheered by people all day. he'd be so happy, and maybe it will distract him from ruining the whole world, right? [cheers and applause] out of box. thinking. by the way, the president wasn't
11:38 pm
the only notable in attendance. cleveland browns wide receiver, odell beckham jr. was there. he went to lsu. after the game he, roll this tape. he appears to be handing out money to the players on the winning team. big wads of cash. i guess he doesn't have vinmo? i don't know what the deal was. after the game, not just jefferson, he goes with another wad of cash. odell was spotted after the game with the jerseys of the player the he gave the money to. i don't know if he bought them. this would be a ncaa violation. you can't give money to college athletes, but an official claims it was fake money he was handing out. and everyone seems to have accepted that story. but let's look at that again in slow motion here. now i examined this very closely. and that's either real money or
11:39 pm
odell beckham jr. is one of the most the world. someone played a pretty good one on the president. last month he was working a crowd in michigan. and a guy got the president to sign a copy of his own impeachment report. [cheers and applause] look at that signature. and now he's selling it at auction. he's hoping to get between $50,000 and $100,000 for it. who's going to buy, the only person who would pay $100,000 for donald trump's autograph is donald trump. he could have a lot more memorabilia of that type on the way. tomorrow the house is expected to hand the articles of impeachment over to the senate. mitch mcconnell says a trial would start as soon as tuesday. a major sticking point is whether witnesses would be called. can you imagine a trial without witnesses? but he says he
11:40 pm
doesn't want to send the senate on a fishing expedition, which, you know, asking the people who actually saw and heard what they saw and heard is, isn't a fishing expedition. it's a trip to the aquarium. not only are there many witnesses willing to speak, including john bolton, today the house intelligence committee released damning new evidence, this is from lev parnas. he wrote, get zelinsky to announce that biden case will be investigated. he wrote congratulations. anything i can do to help you or your country would be a great honor, blah, blah, blah. however, i have a more specific request. in my capacity as personal counsel to president trump and with his knowledge and consent, i request a meeting with you on this upcoming monday, may 13 or tuesday may 14th, which is
11:41 pm
interesting because, and this may come as a shock to you, six months later, the president told bill o'reilly exactly the opposite of that. >> so you didn't direct him to go there on your behalf? >> no, but, no, but, you have to understand. rudy is a great corruption fighter. >> rudy giuliani, but he -- he's your personal lawyer, giuliani's your personal lawyer, so you didn't direct him to go to ukraine to do anything or put any heat on them? >> no, i didn't direct him. >> jimmy: well, you know, if i didn't know better, i would think someone here is not telling the truth. the help us, mitt romney. you're our only hope. and if some miracle happens and the senate does its job and conducts a fair trial, our next president for a few months anyway might be the guy who up until now has been very busy creating the space force. today he swore in the new chief of the space force. >> the united states space force
11:42 pm
lo ha will have an extraordinary launch under general jay raymond. >> jimmy: he's funny. in the middle of all this, trump is busy looking to add new countries to his travel ban. for trump to institute a travel ban on a country, he should be required to find that country on a map. if he can do that without help -- [cheers and applause] which countries will be added to the ban, so we decided to have a little bit of fun with it. we went out on the street and asked people what they thought about trump's new ban on all foreigners with beards, which he hasn't asked for yet. but will that stop folks from weighing in on it? let's find out in tonight's foreign facial hair edition of "lie witness news." [ applause ] >> as you know, today president trump announced his ban on any travelers with a beard. do you support the new beard
11:43 pm
ban? >> absolutely. >> yes, how come? >> i think it's good to keep america safe. >> how do you feel about the new beard ban? >> you know what? probably it's a good idea. anything to keep america safe, we should, we can never be too safe. >> how do you feel about the beard ban? >> i hate it. i personally love men with beards. so if he keeps them out, we'll have to look at men with bald faces all day, and they look like police officers. >> depends on the size of the beard, actually, longer beards, yes. no well-groomed. >> do you accept the goatee. >> yes. >> is somebody with a goatee slightly less dangerous than somebody a beard? >> right. >> today president trump announced his ban on foreign travelers with beard, do you think this is a good move? >> i think he's doing what he
11:44 pm
can to keep us safe. he's not going to agree with everybody. at the end of the day, the idea is to keep everybody safe. how do you do that? you have to start somewhere. >> sometimes you have to start with a beard. >> i guess. >> you know you see those people sometimes. they have a lot of facial hair. you don't really know what could be in there. what could be underneath that. >> will you follow president trump's request to call 911 if you see a foreigner with a beard trying to get into the united states' borders? >> i hope i'm never in that situation. so i, i would support him. and i probably would ask my husband to do it. i wouldn't. i'm just not going to put myself in that situation. >> but your husband would call 911 on a bearded foreigner? >> yes. >> jimmy: don't worry, everything's fine. [cheers and applause] things are going great. here's some other travel news. in an effort to keep their cruises family friendly, carnival has enforced a dress code, which bans any clothing
11:45 pm
they deem to be offensive, which is a tough one. who decides which clothes are offensive and which clothes are not? we actually tracked down the person who does make that decision. his name is gill fredericks, the director of pr for carnival cruise, and he's with us now. hey, gill, thank you for joining us. hi, gill. [cheers and applause] >> ahoy, jimmy. >> jimmy: ahoy to you, too. are you actually on a ship right now? >> yes, indeedy. i'm in my office aboard carnival's "sensuality on the sea". hang on a second. >> jimmy: okay. >> attention all passengers. the box office is now open for "murder she wrote on ice", featuring angela lansbury. on ice. get a good spot in the front. but remember, no running. >> jimmy: okay. so i want to ask you about this new dress code.
11:46 pm
>> all right, nosey nancy, ask away. >> jimmy: what is the reason for it? >> it's very simple, really. we don't want to expose our passengers, many of whom are families and people of lower intelligence to some of the crude and offensive messages on these shirts. >> jimmy: okay. but can you give us like some examples of what might not be allowed? >> heck,ki sh i can show you. >> jimmy: okay. great, terrific. >> but before i do, i'm warning you, this is disturbing stuff. >> jimmy: okay. >> some of this you wouldn't see scrawled on a switchblade onto a toilet seat in a crack house. >> jimmy: okay. >> some of these shirts i wouldn't bury hitler in if he was spooning typhoid mary in jeffrey epstein's bouncy castle. >> jimmy: we can handle it. i promise. >> all right, ernesto come here.
11:47 pm
[cheers and applause] >> jimmy: is your name ernesto, sir? >> si! >> sea indeed and seeing is believing. show him the contra band. >> jimmy: show us the contra band, ernesto. >> i took this one off a lady at the all you can eat. it says berfederal balls inspec. i called around. there is no such agency. >> jimmy: yeah, i'm sure there is not. what other horrors d in that box, ernesto? if you can read this, a bitch fell overboard. now that happens more often than you might think. >> jimmy: what? >> it's not funny at all. have you ever pulled a body out of the ocean, jimmy? >> jimmy: no, i have not pulled
11:48 pm
a body out of the ocean. >> sometimes they have no eyes. >> jimmy: oh, my god! >> there is no god, jimmy. ernesto read the next shirt. >> it is viagra o'clock. >> it's viagra o'clock. believe me, if there was such a time, i would know about it. >> jimmy: okay. >> i sometimes need a little help with the old trouser trout. >> jimmy: i understand. that's very normal sglach. >> we had to confiscates this one because of a typo. all hands even [ bleep ]. look at this. the chinese who made this spelled "deck" with a "i". >> jimmy: i don't know that that's a typo. >> whatever it is, we have the guy who made it locked up in our jail. then there's this. >> jimmy: kiss me, i'm irish, why is that offensive? >> we can't have an irish on board. we have an open bar for
11:49 pm
[ bleep ]. >> jimmy: i don't know how to feel about that. what else do you have in there, ernesto? >> all right. >> jimmy: i'm hungry. that seems fine. what's wrong with i'm hungry? >> well, it does until you see the back. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. okay. now i see. yeah. >> for dat sweet ass. >> jimmy: i see that. >> hold on a second. oh, no. >> jimmy: oh, oh, my gosh. >> attention all passengers. due to an overdose of mexican dramamine, "murder she wrote on ice" has been postponed. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> filling in will be david copperberg. have you seen him work? >> jimmy: no, i have not seen him work. >> he's very good. he pulled a life vest out of my bottom. >> jimmy: oh, my, what's happening? >> oh, no! we hit an iceberg. >> jimmy: wait, aren't you sailing the caribbean?
11:50 pm
>> global warming, jimmy. everything's all [ bleep ]ed up. >> jimmy: okay. >> attention all passengers. we're going down. most of you saw the movie "titanic." so you know what to do. and remember, you can always use a fat person as a flotation device. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. ernesto, i hope you didn't hear that. it seems like you've got your hands full there. thank you, ernesto and gill on the carnival cruise. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: wow, a lot of action there. hey, we have a good show tonight. music from scarypoolparty. ilana glazer is here. and we'll be right back with allison janney. ♪ >> dicky: abc's jimmy kimmel live, brought to you by doordash.
11:51 pm
alo. (buffalo wild win) gelato. cheesecake. (cheesecake factory) grilled steak. clam bake. milkshake. brussels sprout. sauerkraut. fresh-caught trout. alfalfa sprout. curry. fried turkey. mcflurry. (mcdonald's) cacciatori. chimichurri. ad-lib: (inhale) spiral ham. blackberry jam. rack of lamb. candied yams. pokes. smokeys. gnocchis. and them banging raviolis. we are america's kitchen. doordash. every flavor welcome.
11:52 pm
(whistling) starting a business means i have to be well rested, every night of the month. always overnight pads have up to a 2x larger back for up to 10 hours of protection. it catches leaks, so you can catch zzzzs. because my morning starts, before morning starts. always. delivered to your car door so you can do more. try drive up at target. ♪ feels so good ♪ feels so good target run and done. i wrote this a long time ago.
11:53 pm
i don't know how old i was. i hope someday i will be on a real football team. i'm katie sowers, offensive assistant coach for the san francisco 49ers. i'm not just here to be the token female, i'm here to help us win. the surface pro helps me get what's in my head and get it out on to the field. i would want to tell this little girl to keep pushing herself, your dream's coming. ( ♪ ) hey there! i'm lonnie from lonnie's lumber. if you need lumber wood, lonnie's is better than good. we got oak, cherry, walnut, and more. and we also have the best selection of plywood (clattering) in the state... hey! (high-pitched laughter) man: dang woodchucks! (wood clattering) stop chuckin' that wood! with geico, the savings keep on going. just like this sequel. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.
11:54 pm
11:55 pm
>> jimmy: well, hi there. tonight, she has a new special on amazon, is called "the planet is burning." ilana glazer is here. then, this is his album "exit form." scarypoolparty from the mercedes-benz stage. a great name. [cheers and applause] you can see scarypoolparty live january 23rd at the wiltern, here in los angeles. tomorrow night, charlize theron and brian cox, who plays logan roy on "succession" will join us with comedian todd glass. and on thursday, music from nicky jam featuring daddy yankee, florence pugh and al pacino. >> jimmy: our first guest tonight is among the best of the best. she has almost as many major acting awards as she does fingers.
11:56 pm
or toes. her new movie, "troop zero," premieres friday on amazon prime. please welcome allison janney. [cheers and ♪ >> jimmy: how are you? >> i am well. >> jimmy: it's always great to see you. >> it's nice to see you, too. >> jimmy: we run into each other a lot. >> backstage at things. last time was at the paley center. >> jimmy: that was so much fun. if i forget anybody, fill in the blank. we paid tribute to norman carol burnett and lily tomlin. a great group, it's almost like they put, there were too many of them there, they should have spaced it out a little bit more. >> did you get to talk to all of them or any of them? >> jimmy: i spoke to all of
11:57 pm
them, yes. >> see, i kind of shy away from that. >> jimmy: that's because i stupidly showed up like two hours early, as i am known to do. >> i saw carol. she is my, she's the reason i'm an actress. >> jimmy: she's fantastic. >> you see her backstage, and i remember one time she called me, and i had, i was just so flabbergasted. and i was dreaming of all the reasons carol burnett would be calling me. she's going to ask me to star in a variety sketch show with her. we're going to do a buddy movie or something. and i finally called her back. i waited a day. i always wanted to be on the verge of calling carol burnett back. i finally did. and she was recommending a dresser for me to use when i went to broadway with "9 to 5". i used her dresser. >> jimmy: of course. you have to. >> i whad to. i had to. >> jimmy: have you ever worked
11:58 pm
with her on a project? >> no, but i know i'm going to. i have a feeling i will. because i want it so badly. she means everything to me. >> jimmy: you know what you have to do is you have to visualize it. >> i have to do my vision board. >> jimmy: put her on your vision board. >> have you ever done one of those really? >> jimmy: of course not. >> i have not either. >> jimmy: vision board. are you kidding me? >> you're supposed to. it's supposed to really work. i will cut out a picture of carol burnett, i'll cut out a picture of me, and i'll cut out a picture of, i don't know what comes next. >> jimmy: a hammer that represents work. you'll be working together. or you could call carol and, would that be too forward? >> do you think i could? >> jimmy: she's as nice as people come. >> i bet i could. >> jimmy: what's your all-time favorite sketch? >> mrs. wiggins is one. >> jimmy: right. >> and of course, the drapes, the, you know, from "gone with
11:59 pm
the wind." >> jimmy: yes, yes. >> all of them. her warmth, talking to the audience when she would do that in the beginning. i just love that about her, that she would talk, you know, pick someone in the audience and ask questions, take questions. anybody have any questions from the audience of me, and bring up the lights. >> jimmy: we actually met a -- >> oh, look. >> jimmy: we met a woman. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: now that you mention it, we met a couple from chicago. >> you did? >> jimmy: who have fled the cold weather. he was a chef for a long time. and she just, his wife told us that she only cooked one meal in 32 years. >> what was it? >> jimmy: well, hold on a second. because now i feel like you're, this is not how carol would do it. >> no. >> jimmy: with carol, the audience would ask her questions. not the other way around. >> right. that's right. so do you have a question for me? i don't even -- >> jimmy: yes.
12:00 am
it was coca van. on the carol burnett show, the audience was more prepared. they knew this might happen. any questions? okay. >> at what age did you start acting? >> jimmy: at what age did you start acting? >> oh, that's a good question. >> jimmy: is it, though? [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] i feel like it's not. >> i was trying to buy myself some time. because i actually have no idea. >> jimmy: you just had a birthday, a big birthday, right? >> i did, you guys. i just turned 60. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: 60 years old. i'm sure people tell you all the time that you don't look anywhere close to 60 years old. >> you kind of have to say that is correct don't you. >> jimmy: the carol burnett show is over now. did you have a big party for your birthday? >> i thought about it. i went, i started dreaming about
12:01 am
this huge, i was going to do studio 60 and do a huge party and have chaka khan. >> jimmy: what is studio 60? >> well, studio 54, but i'm 60. >> jimmy: like the old nightclub in new york. >> yeah, and i was going to have guys in red speedos in rollercoasters passing out hors d'oeuvres. >> jimmy: those are my cards. >> i was looking, i looked at the bill, which was, it was so astronomical, i was like, what am i doing? i'm probably not going to remember most of it. because if i have a few martinis, i'm not going to remember it. am i going to spend that much money? no. soy went t soy we so i went the opposite
12:02 am
direction, a small family dinner. and i told all my friends we could do extravagant things throughout the year. and one of them gave me a parcel of land. >> jimmy: what? >> yes. >> jimmy: why? >> for my 60th. >> jimmy: where? >> in mississippi, where he grew up in mississippi. and he gave me a parcel of land. >> jimmy: so now you are a landowner. >> a land owner in mississippi. jo >> jimmy: how much did he give you. >> i don't know, but i think it's a significant amount of land. >> jimmy:ly ev >> jimmy: will you ever visit the land? >> i don't know. >> jimmy: your friends are giving you unwanted real estate. >> i'm going to build a house on it. >> jimmy: you are? >> i'm going to think about it. >> jimmy: you'll never come near that land. >> come on. it's beautiful down there. it really is. >> jimmy: i'm sure it is, and yet you'll never see it.
12:03 am
alison janney is here. her new movie is "troop zero." we'll be back after this. ♪ [cheers and applause] yes. -woo hoo! we just belong together. welcome aboard. what kind of polar bear works on their tan? well, wait are you even a bird? what bird stuff can you do? well what bear stuff can you do? [ roar ] you win this round. what's the worse that can happen? i'm too beautiful to die. step away from the light. ah, there is no light i'm alive! then there's fresh value from subway. like the six inch oven roasted chicken for just two ninety-nine. it's seasoned all white meat chicken raised without antibiotics. start the year off fresh. fresh value. only from subway. for your worst sore throat pain, try vicks vapocool drops. it's not candy, it's powerful relief. ahhh
12:04 am
vaporize sore throat pain with vicks vapocool drops and try new vapocool spray.
12:05 am
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
12:06 am
♪ blow a kiss into the sun ♪ we need someone to lean on ♪ blow a kiss into the sun ♪ alle needed somebody to lean on ♪ ♪ ♪
12:07 am
there's something special happening this year. an opportunity for all of us to be a part of science. >> hi, everybody.
12:08 am
>> this is dr. -- >> poussad. all the way from nasa. >> hello. raise your hands if you like to think about outer space. >> they're girls. >> jimmy: that's allison janney in "troupe zero" starting friday on amazon prime. some of your friends are in this movie. >> yeah, viola davis and i did "the help" together. jim gaffigan and i did "away we go" together. >> jimmy: one of the funniest guys. >> so funny. and mckenna grace played young tonya in "i, tonya." it was nice to be with them together again. >> jimmy: is it more fun when you get to do an accent like that? >> hoeroh, it's so great once y get it. my father would describe it as like an ice cube. when you get, it melts through
12:09 am
you, and it's the most fantastic thing to own a ak sinc ak sinc it drives my friends and family crazy. but i love it. >> jimmy: is there an accent that you've tried and you've decided i cannot do this? >> once i tried to do an australian accent. no, new zealand. sorry. new zealand. that was very hard. i did not successfully melt that ice cube. >> jimmy: how do you know it wasn't successful? did you hear from the people of new zealand? >> well, the playwright, it was a play. and the playwright was new zealand, and she was like alison. she was constantly giving me notes, and i didn't. i couldn't do it. if i had more time. and if they paid me more money, i probably could. >> jimmy: it's interesting. there are a few television shows that are now on netflix, various streaming services. one of them is "friends" and the
12:10 am
"office" have become popular with a new generation and "west wing" is another one. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: and are you now allf a sudden hearing about this all of the time from people? >> um, yeah, i mean, people ask all the time are you going to do a reunion show? >> jimmy: are you going to do a reunion show. >> you saw aaron. >> jimmy: aaron sorkin decides. >> yeah. >> jimmy: but it would be hard for him to figure out how to use t original characters. martin sheen could be president of his retirement community. >> it's nice to think b everyboabout. it's a camelot administration on the "west wing". it was the way you hope people in government -- >> jimmy: and you're saying the one now isn't? >> yeah. >> jimmy: well, i'm going to have to disagree with you on that. it's great to see you.
12:11 am
the movie is called "troupe zero". on amazon prime. allison janney, everybody. we'll be right back with alanna glazer. find your breaking point, then break it. every emergen-c gives you a potent blend of nutrients. so, you can emerge your best, with emergen-c. techlike make us feel things for better. it gives us a helping hand when all we have are feet. technology can make our beds, without us. go on technology, set the mood. we even have cpas at our fingertips who will review our taxes with us before we file. i've checked your return and you're good to go.
12:12 am
great thanks. people can be good at anything. yes, even taxes. intuit turbotax. ♪ hvr dips. you either love it or you really love it. e competition and we broke through. you've tried retinol, but you have never tried one like this. olay's retinol24 complex hydrates better than the #1 retinol. visibly smoother brighter skin in just 24 hours. a skin upgrade? crushed it. new olay retinol24. face anything. olay. now available with retinol serum and retinol eye cream. with the jimmy dean delights breadless egg'wich. we got rid of the bread, and replaced it
12:13 am
with two egg frittatas. for a protein packed start to your day. and that is somethin else... kinda makes ya hungry don't it? of a lifetime. it's "progressive on ice." everything you love about car insurance -- the discounts... the rate comparisons... and flo in a boat. ♪ insurance adventure awaits at "progressive on ice." tickets not available now or ever. at "progressive on ice." nothing beats wendy's four for four. choose any of these sandwiches. plus nuggets, fries and a drink for just four bucks. you'll wonder why you ever settled for less. (sighs) get your four for four at wendy's. (paul) sprint has great news really great news!amily. you can get both an unlimited plan...
12:14 am
(sprintern) ...and the powerful new iphone 11 (paul) ...included for just $35 a month when you switch. (sprintern) whoa. what a deal. (paul) and, sprint has a 100% total satisfaction guarantee. while i think their network and savings are great, you don't just have to take my word for it. try it out and see the savings for yourself. so, take it to 11, with iphone 11 at sprint! for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com. crunoh, who's winning?nd cheesy perfection i'm talking about cheez-it, the perfect cheesy snack to watch the game with.
12:15 am
yeah, ya know, i almost went pro but i blew out my knee you don't have any knees, cheese. man... cheez-it. official sponsor of the college football playoff ♪
12:16 am
did you know this is where you can harness your inner jedi? and tear around radiator springs? or get your flex on with the incredibles. kids enjoy the magic for just $67 per child per day, with a 3-day 1-park per day ticket. kids enjoy the magic for just $67 per child per day, about finding good food ind have school.y so, when my wife kat and i learned california public school children couldn't get fresh produce in the cafeteria, we took action. we partnered with local farmers, school kitchens, a non-profit. that program now serves over 300 million healthy meals every year. the difference between words and actions matters. that's a lesson washington dc could use, right now. i'm tom steyer and i approve this message. >> dicky: and now, cisco asks,
12:17 am
what's weird about your body. >> hi, my name is isaac johnson. i'm 15 years old. i live in minneapolis, minnesota, and i hold the world record for the largest gape. i can fit a whole apple in my mouth. the record was previously held by a german man named bern namen schmitt.
12:18 am
12:19 am
-oh, pete!?! -c'mon man. what? we said pantyhose right? here, eat this..... creamy snickers®. you could use a little smoothness. pete? pete zagarene? get smooth with the fresh-ground nut butters in creamy snickers®. and i like to question your i'm yoevery move.n law. like this left turn. it's the next one. you always drive this slow? how did you make someone i love? that must be why you're always so late. i do not speed. and that's saving me cash with drivewise. my son, he did say that you were the safe option. and that's the nicest thing you ever said to me. so get allstate. stop bossing. where good drivers save 40% for avoiding mayhem, like me. this is my son's favorite color, you should try it. [mayhem] you always drive like an old lady? [tina] you're an old lady. charmin ultra soft!
12:20 am
it's softer than ever. charmin ultra soft is softer than ever, so it's harder to resist. okay, this is getting a little weird! enjoy the go with charmin. it's not getting in my way.? i had enough! joint pain, swelling, tenderness... ...much better. my psoriasis, clearer... cosentyx works on all of this. four years and counting. so watch out. i got this! watch me. real people with active psoriatic arthritis are feeling real relief with cosentyx. cosentyx is a different kind of targeted biologic. it treats the multiple symptoms of psoriatic arthritis to help you look and feel better. it even helps stop further joint damage. don't use if you're allergic to cosentyx. before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. an increased risk of infections and lowered ability... ...to fight them may occur. tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms, if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen... ...or if you've had a vaccine, or plan to.
12:21 am
serious allergic reactions may occur. i just look and feel better. i got real relief with cosentyx. watch me! feel real relief. ask your rheumatologist about cosentyx. too many after-parties. new neutrogena® bright boost with dullness-fighting neoglucosamine. boosts cell turnover by 10 times for instantly brighter skin. bright boost neutrogena®.
12:22 am
♪ >> jimmy: there we go. welcome back. still to come, music from scarypoolparty. you know our next guest from five seasons of "broad city." now she's thinking globally. her first-ever stand-up special is called "the planet is burning." it's available now on amazon prime. please welcome ilana glazer. [cheers and
12:23 am
♪ >> jimmy: how are you? very good to see you. did you not wear a shirt to torture me for this interview? now what am i supposed to do? >> you're trying to not get me to, and i'm making it hard. >> jimmy: i'm going to look right at the part of your hair. >> you know, we've got power in our body. >> jimmy: that is an understatement. >> we run the world. it's crazy, women, you know? >> jimmy: no, listen. if elizabeth warren did this at the debate, she'd be the president automatically. how are you doin'? >> i'm good. i'm good. i'm happy to be here. >> jimmy: i'm happy to have you here. it's the first time to have you here without abby, your partner. it's almost lonely here without her, right? >> i was thinking in the coffin that you put talent in before we come out. i was thinking, am i less nervous, because if abby were
12:24 am
here, it'd be oh, my god. >> jimmy: and? >> i guess less. >> jimmy: maybe abby was the one driving you to the edge of anxiety. but you guys still work together. and now you have this stand-up come comedy special, which makes it you think, if you're talking about climate change. >> no. >> jimmy: in houston, texas. >> i guess i'm kind of known as a new york jew. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> and the only other place i go all the time is l.a. and people are new york and l.a. and everybody's like coastal elites or whatever. but it's like nobody on the coasts are smarter than the middle of the country. everybody's just a dumb american i guess. but when i've been on tour, it's so cool to see how progressive and diverse and queer and gay
12:25 am
the middle of the country is, and i find that in texas, too. [ applau ] >> jimmy: people do come up with an image of what people in houston are like. and it's actually ridiculous to do that. i think houston might be the most diversity in the united states. >> i actually cut this joke from my special. it didn't like work. texas is the place that made beyonce, and new york made trump. >> jimmy: that's true. they should be proud of that, for sure. yeah. >> yeah, why does new york get all this credit for being progressive. we made that guy. it's awful. it's so shameful. you're from new york. you should be ashamed. >> jimmy: yeah, i am. and not just for that, there are a lot of things i'm ashamed of. >> good. >> jimmy: so the planet is burning. the planet is burning. >> it is indeed. the title is like my lens through which i, yes, my comedy,
12:26 am
because i'm sort of an optimistic nihilist. but you know, it's kind of funny in a sick way how the planet is burning and othur leaders don't talk about it all day every day. shouldn't we be solving the problem of the thing we're standing on? >> jimmy: it seems like if there was a godzilla for instance, that was burning everything, like godzilla was shooting fire out of its mouth. >> right. >> jimmy: everyone, every country in the world would band together to kill this godzilla. >> yep. >> jimmy: but we have a godzilla. >> it's almost like -- were you going to say a punch line? i'm sorry. >> jimmy: no, there was no punch line. >> i thought the president was the godzilla. >> jimmy: but thank you for thinking i might have one. >> it's almost like they think they're going to get in trouble for admitting that the planet is burning, like it's their fault. like no, bro, it's not about
12:27 am
you. it's so pathetic and weak that they can't figure it out for us. >> jimmy: we have to figure it out is the truth. it's on us to figure it out. and you're doing something. you're going on a stand-up toward in march? >> in march. >> jimmy: explain what you're going to do on the tour. >> so i'm doing stand-up in march around the country. but in every city that i go do stand-up, i'm going to stay an extra day and throw a voter empowerment dance party with my political organization generator. >> jimmy: so people will come to a show, register to vote. they register to vote. and then they will dance. >> that's right. at my -- that's right. and we dance for like 15 minutes at a time. and then we like pause and i call it synagogue announcements. you pause for temple time. and we invite a democratic candidate up. and, you know, i ask people, get their instagram handle. it's kind of like canvassing through instagram because we're
12:28 am
all scrolling, scrolling, scrolling all the time. >> jimmy: why only democrat candidates? don't you want everyone to vote in and wouldn't it be funny to see republican candidates dance? >> no. no. it's just, maybe 20 years ago, maybe there could have been an interesting conversation between parties, but it's not even interesting anymore. it's like human rights versus anti-human rights. i'm over it. and also who am i reaching know what i mean? i might as well, democrats are better dancers. >> jimmy: bottom line. >> and also, you'll like this. the title of the whole combined tour is called "horny for the polls." p-o-l-l-s. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that might rule out most of the republican candidates. >> good riddance, whatever. >> jimmy: how long have you been married? >> i have been married for, coming up on three years. jimmy: what does your husband do for a living? >> thank you, hello.
12:29 am
it's a commitment. it's work. [cheers and applause] my husband is a scientist, and he has a biotech startup. >> jimmy: so he's like a genius, flight. >> he's literally a genius. i mean, he picked me. >> jimmy: you have your group of friends, and i assume he's got his group of friends, co-workers. >> fewer friends. >> jimmy: does that cross over? do you hang out with the scientists? >> actually, david's partner is the funniest, is funnier than me. like these scientists are hysterical. >> jimmy: are they? >> he, you wouldn't believe, he makes biotech memes. >> jimmy: uh-huh? >> that are actually hilarious. sometimes they go above my head, and i'm like, what? but even that is funny. >> jimmy: like what? >> something like handing out halloween candy, and these kids think they're going to get
12:30 am
candy, and it's a kit kat wrapper. it's split in half and it's a usb plug. but they're really getting this. it's like one terabyte of some simulation. something. i don't even know. you abo but if you see it, it's funny. >> jimmy: it's a very, very specific brand of humor. >> i'm like, you guys got to post this. who else in biotech is hysterical and flirty. >> jimmy: i've heard quite a few of them. hysterical, a lot of flirtiness in biotech. i look forward to your stand-up special "the planet is burning" is and if you're horny and want to go the polls, alana glazer is the gal for you. and we'll return with music from scarypoolparty. ♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is
12:31 am
presented by the 2020 g-class. mercedes benz, the best or nothing. conditions are protected. vo: a broken promise. trump repeatedly tried to undermine coverage for 134 million americans with pre-existing conditions. mike: "he just doesn't care if you have a pre-existing condition he wants to deny you access to coverage. if he is re-elected, he'll keep trying to do that and i think we can't let that happen." vo: as president, mike will lower costs, and protect americans with pre-existing conditions.
12:32 am
mike: i'm mike bloomberg and i approve this message. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz.
12:33 am
the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank allison janney and ilana glazer and fred willard, apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next but first, this is his album "exit form." here with the song "millennial love" -- scarypoolparty! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ all men are dogs they say so i'll run away and become a stray and i'll ♪ ♪ come back abused for you to laugh and to tell your friends i'm nothing ♪ ♪ i would work in a sewer till i melt and break my back
12:34 am
but close my mouth ♪ ♪ lose my hand in a conveyer belt then cry in a lunch room by myself ♪ ♪ this millennial love is something else this millennial love is something else ♪ ♪ this millennial love is something else i would do anything for you ♪ ♪ this millennial love is something else this millennial love is something else ♪ ♪ this millennial love is something else i would do
12:35 am
anything for you ♪ ♪ ♪ picture frames of us inside disappearing in our eyes ♪ ♪ i won't i won't let go of you i won't i won't let go of you ♪ ♪ now you took me by surprise you rather scroll through my own life ♪ ♪ i'm right i'm right in front of you but you never notice me now ♪ ♪ this millennial love is something else this millennial love is something else ♪ ♪ this millennial love is something else i would do anything for you ♪ ♪ this millennial love is something else this millennial love is something else ♪ ♪ this millennial love
12:36 am
is something else but i did everything for you ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ this millennial love this millennial love this millennial love this millennial love ♪ ♪ this millennial love was something else this millennial love was something else ♪ ♪ this millennial love was something else but i would do
12:37 am
anything for you ♪ [cheers and applause] this is "nightline." tonight, the female prosecutor taking a stand in st. louis, missouri, suing the city and its police union. charging that a racist system is preventing her from doing her job. while supporters say she's taking on a broken system, critics say she cares more about criminals than cops. >> people have called you the n-word. people talk about taking you out. >> they leave their address on the mail to make sure i know who they are. plus, endless summers. ♪ come and knock on our door >> three's company and there's always a crowd for this

289 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on