tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC March 11, 2020 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
11:35 pm
quickly. >> we appreciate you being here with us >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- david spade. from "bloodshot," eiza gonzález and music from grace vanderwaal and now stay put, jimmy kimmel! [cheers and applause] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. thanks, i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching, thank you for coming. hey, thank you for, for braving your filthy fellow humans to be here. don't breathe in, anybody! we have a lot to get to. a lot of it has to do with the coronavirus, which, as you know was started by netflix to get people to watch more of their television, true. the virus was officially declared a pandemic by the world health organization today.
11:36 pm
major events are being canceled, postponed. the tax deadline may even be postponed. they're thinking about pushing tax day past april 15th. jeff bezos heard that and said, wow, what's tax day? the ncaa announced that march madness will go on but with no fans. there will be no spectators, outside of the players' families. they should also consider playing without a ball. that's just a petri the warriors will be playing without a crowd. but basketball games in the pros have been played without fans before. the clippers did it for many years. [ applause ] and in part, in part because of all these cancellations, a lot of people don't seem to know what to think about the coronavirus, what to feel. should i be scared? are people overreacting? what's true, what's not true?
11:37 pm
it's totally normal to feel that way. many have the same thoughts. so i thought this might help. these are the five stages of coronavirus, so first you have denial. i'm not going to get the coronavirus. only old people, chinese people and people on cruise ships get that. second, anger. why isn't there any toilet paper at target? is everybody nuts? then bargaining. there's no purel, maybe i'll make my own sanitizer with jergens and vodka. next comes depression. i can't believe they canceled coachella, i'm not going to get to see carly ray jepsen for a year now. and hey, if i know what, if i die, maybe i'll get to meet prince. you're not alone, okay? the fear is spreading not just here in the united states. people are losing their minds all over the world. the nation of italy has closed all shops except for groceries and pharmacies, which seems to
11:38 pm
be what they do every time i go on vacation anyway. everything's closed. and in the land downunder, look at this video. this is security camera showing the toilet paper aisle at a grocery store in australia. which i really, i don't understand the hoarding toilet paper. but imagine getting trampled to death buying charmin. the president has been spreading mixed messages. federal officials would like president trump to stop shaking hands in public. president trump says he doesn't care, he's going to continue to move on those happenends like a bitch. the man eats pancakes for breakfast and lives in a tanning bed, do you think he's going to start listening to doctors? even because of his tiny, tiny hands, even a travel size bottle
11:39 pm
of purel is like a lifetime supply. and by the way, he is at risk. he meets the definition of being at risk. he shook hands with doug collins who is now in quarantine. they even gave a little kiss. and while trump has refused to stop shaking hands for now at least, his staff appears to have found a creative solution to keep his nubby little digits in check. >> a lot of them are things you want to get for other things, and we're looking at the people, we're looking at solving this problem. also some very good numbers coming out of some countries where it started earlier, and we're see beiing fairly good nus coming out of those countries, that's a good thing. >> jimmy: he's bringing cookies out of the oven. even the commander of the coronavirus task force space force vice president mike pence is on the same page handshake wise with president trump. >> as the president has said, in
11:40 pm
our line of work, you shake hands when someone wants to shake your hand. i expect the president will continue to do that. i'll continue to do it. >> jimmy: that's interesting, because while he claims he'll continue to do that, you can see, mike pence hasn't been shaking hands. whenever he's not with the president, he's out there bumping elbows with everybody he runs into. he's bumping elbows with his el bros all the time. makes you wonder what else he's doing that the president doesn't know about. the move pence was doing is something i've branded the el bump. it's a hand shake alternative, and it's kicking off with people at "first take." >> jimmy kimmel's looking out for us. it's called the el bump. we can just do, what's going on, everybody, welcome on in to "first take." >> what is it? >> it is corny, and i love me
11:41 pm
some jimmy kimmel. but that is corny, and more importantly, the elbow puts you closer to the person where the fist bump makes you keep your distance. think, jimmy, distance, distance. >> sorry, jimmy, i tried. >> can we just bow like the japanese? >> jimmy: yes, you could bow like the japanese or do the elbow, like i want people to do. and steven, i will pray for you, that you do not get this coronavirus, just keep distance. can you do it like this. jaylin rose and david jacoby. >> elbow. >> jimmy: that's how you do it and that's why these two will live forever. [ applause ] these are troubled times. things are very el bumpy between president trump and nancy pelosi. trump refuses to meet with pelosi about the coronavirus or anything, which is, i think it's just going to make the eventual
11:42 pm
makeup sex hotter, but meanwhile, former democratic candidate and spiritual leader or something, i don't know what she is. maryann williamson is back doing her part to fight the coronavirus. it's important to remember this person was running for president. >> now, what i want to do now is a meditation with you. because what's happening is that the panic that we're all being thrown into, the fear that we're being thrown into actually decreases the functioning of our immune system. watch and feel as this light now enters no yo enters into your brain, your stomach, your cervix, your penis, your vagina, your buttocks. go wash your hands. >> jimmy: right, yes. she has a penis and a vagina?
11:43 pm
my cervix feels better already. thank you, maryann. the government is cracking down right now on those selling bogus remedies for the virus. those include disgraced tv sell-ev sell-evangelist baker. >> you're saying that silver solution would be effective. >> let's say it hasn't been tested on this strain of the coronavirus, but it's been tested on other strains of the coronavirus and has been able to eliminate it within 12 hours. >> yeah. >> totally eliminate it. kills it, deactivates it. >> jimmy: i don't know about you, i'm convinced, it deactivates it and gives you super powers, too.
11:44 pm
if you don't know who jim baker is, he was a televangelist and went to prison. and that silver stuff isn't even the weirdest product he's selling. that would be this. it is a bucket of freeze dried mexican food for the apocalypse called the fiesta pail. fiesta and pail, two words that go together like chewing gum and soup. the food and the pail is said toto be the realo dealo. >> it passes the official mexican test. this is mexican food that real-live mexicans approve of, you know, this is not gringo food. this is good, good food. >> jimmy: guillermo, is that food that real-live mexicans approve of? >> guillermo: no, that's terrible. >> jimmy: he's not telling the truth? >> guillermo: no. >> jimmy: yesterday in russia they passed a bill that will
11:45 pm
allow vladimir putin to remain in power until 2036, 12 years longer than he was supposed to be ruling -- can somebody please hide all the newspapers in the white house from donald trump? because if he sees this, we're in for a long run. putin squeaked by with a narrow 150% of the vote. it went 383 yes, zero nos, fior real. that will allow him to be in office until he's 83, that's almost old enough to run the united states. it was a good night for joe biden. he won in michigan and three other states. owe's g he's got a big edge on bernie sanders. you remember when that guy nik wallenda walked across an active volcano? that's what it's going to feel like watching joe biden open his mouth every day between now and
11:46 pm
november. many are crediting [ applause ] many are giving credit to biden's victory to his new campaign strategy of grabbing voters by the arm and saying, look here, jack, you're a jerk who can go to hell. biden did well with voters over 45, and bernie sanders did better with voters under 45. if you've had a colonoscopy, biden's your guy. tulsi fwab ard tulsi gabbard is running in the way "cats" was running for an academy award. >> i'm joe biden, and i have met brau barack obama. i have stood next to him. i have sat behind him, i have touched him. i have even smelled his neck. as we like to say to each other a lot, when we are together,
11:47 pm
which is often, yes, we've met. i am barack obama, and i am in aruba, floating on a tube. >> jimmy: that's still better than "no malarkey", right? we have a great show tonight. music from grace vanderwaal. eiza gonzález is here. and we'll be right back with david spade. so stick around. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by mazda.
11:48 pm
fishrisotto. buffalo. (buffalo wild wings) gelato. curry. cacciatori. chimichurri. frie flurry. (mcdonald's) cheese cake. (cheesecake factory) grilled steak. clam bake. milkshake. we are america's kitchen. doordash. every flavor welcome. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ start maxximizing today in store and online. yeah, that needs mmm. that's better. hvr seasoning. you either love it or you really love it.
11:49 pm
alright, i got everyone's ftuna for jj.. turkey for tj. turkey for jj. tuna for tj. jj turkey, tj tuna. tj tuna, turkey jj. yeah, mom. this is why we named your brother derek. italian bmt, my favorite. nobody asked, derek. get a free footlong yup, free. when you buy one on the subway app, for a limited time. order now. ♪wild thing, you make my heart sing.♪ ♪you make everything... groovy...♪
11:50 pm
11:51 pm
11:52 pm
[cheers and applause] tomorrow night i will be out hosting the show "who wants to be a millionaire," which will air here on abc next month and in my stead, mayor pete buttigieg will be filling in as host. his guests will be sir patrick stewart, tony hale and music from jhene iko and miguel. so please join mayor pete for that tomorrow night as he hosts the show. our first guest is a very funny man with a very funny show that is on every night against ours, which is rude. "lights out with david spade" is on weeknights on comedy central. please say hello to david spade. [cheers and applause] ♪
11:53 pm
hey! yeah, man. >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> hello, james. >> jimmy: you feeling okay today? now that the bachelor's over your life has no meaning anymore, does it? >> what to look forward to. i did watch it last night. >> jimmy: of course you watched it last night. >> i sometimes hit him up about it. i know you know all the tricks. >> jimmy: i like to watch your instagram stories and you take pictures of the tv screen. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. what a loser, but i do. i got into it last night. first of all, last night was the big ending. most people sort of know what happened. it's like this big. it's all girls, it looks like rush week at delta gamma. they have one guy in the room. and then they have, they do the flashback. is what happened is hannah ann, the final two, hannah ann. he takes them to australia, of course the farthest place. and they get there, and then i'm always surprised at like hannah b doesn't pop out of a kangaroo
11:54 pm
pouch. hey, y'all, remember me? but the other one's a virgin, madison. >> jimmy: uh-huh. that's right. >> so some appeal. i get what's going on, but she dumped him twice. >> jimmy: she did. >> and hannah ann's only crime is she was nice and normal and no drama, and of course he was like, aye, the other way. so he proposes to her, and then a month later, he's like, can i have that ring back? it's so, it's so weird. and then he, he tries to get the other one back, but they're on the show, live, and it's just cringe time, because the mom is like this, barb, you see barb? really daggers. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, she was not happy at all. >> and they had a little barb cam in the corner. when they'd show she'd be like, and she didn't
11:55 pm
get her. and he's like, mom, it's going to be madison now, and she's like, what? and he's like, quit yelling, mom, that's my girlfriend. she's yelling at her. she's like, i don't like this one. >> jimmy: david is not exaggerating one tiny bit. >> she was just all over, and you know poor madison, and show's shoe's so wiped out from flying and those heavy eyelashes. i didn't know if those were carry-on. i don't know if they're legal. >> jimmy: i had a long talk with somebody about those last night about whether they were real or not. >> beautiful girl, but they had to give them both extensions. they're both pretty already. but they really l.a.-ed them up. you're pretty, but not enough. so they get out there, and it's like l.a. of course, from like normal places. but the mom, i don't know what
11:56 pm
happens, so she's like yelling going you know he puts mentos in cokes, trying to kill the whole thing, the virgin was like, oh. >> jimmy: got involved even. it was bad. >> but it was fun just to watch the whole shenanigans. >> jimmy: you enjoyed it. which do you like better, bachelor or bachelorette? >> i don't know. it's all about the same. i just make fun of whatever's in front of me. >> jimmy: whatever's in front of you. >> i like it all. >> jimmy: do you schedule your life around the show? do you go out on a monday or tuesday? >> i do sort of work in the day. they get a little nuts with, it's a monday through friday edition. i'm like, [ bleep ], man. three hours each night, and they're really milking it. it's like a ten-minute show but it's really stretched out. give something to kitty, meow! >> jimmy: they can tighten it up a little bit. >> there's some easy trims. how long are you supposed to touch your face? ten minutes a day?
11:57 pm
so they, oh, yeah. so i went to dinner. >> jimmy: you talk, i'll touch your face. >> i for sure have it now. so i, i went to dinner. >> jimmy: sorry. [ applause ] i ruined the story. where did you go to dinner? and when was this? >> i'm more concerned about the bachelor than the coronavirus. i went to dinner, and sometimes i get dissed. well, obviously, in the earlier days, like right when i moved to l.a., i got l.a.-ed because the maitre d' was all snooty, he goes right this way, ladies, and i go. [ laughter ] and i was like, and then she was like, you know, are you a girl? and i go, no. so i'm walking in, hey, joe dirt, yeah, i'm a guy. so we start walking. i can't wait until this guy sees it's me, he's going to freak
11:58 pm
out. then he sees some stairs and looks right at me and says "watch your step, gals." i am a sir! i like to order first. this's kind of rude, and i'm hungry. and sometimes when i get there, i can't drink until i eat. i like to have a few knocks, especially before the bachelor. and i go hey, man, can i order steak now? is that okay if i just get things going? he does it, then 15 minutes later i'm looking for it. he comes back, hey, can i take your order? hey, bub, any eyes on that steak? can we get a 20 on it? oh, you want it now? yeah, why did i order it when i walked in, hey, give me a steak. and he goes hey, two seconds. and now this thing when they avoid you? they walk by your table, like la, la, la. table 41, [ bleep ].
11:59 pm
he keeps doing this, and he's being weird, you know. and then a few minutes later, he's like, remember me? now we're friends again. >> jimmy: yeah, well, good. >> so it all worked out. i get crabby. >> jimmy: i don't know if this is something you'd be willing to share, but i, would you tell, i want to take a break. when we come back, will you tell the story, there was a major, triple major celebrity, with whom you had long-time bad blood. >> oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: you know what i'm talking about? >> oh, yes, i do. >> jimmy: david spade is here. we'll be right back with this. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" is brought to you by panera's new unlimited coffee subscription. panera, your cup is always full. ]
12:00 am
unlimited coffee for $8.99 a month. panera, your cup is always full. written for the bold thand the daredevils.ny what happens here... only happens here. i'i'm not just here to be theach fotoken female,ncisco 49ers. i'm here to help us win. the surface pro helps me get what's in my head and get it out on to the field. peshould become at scelebrity accountant. and, i tell them, "nobody should." but, i just don't think you need a separate private plane. but i, but i want it! hey, buddy. what's the damage? i bought it! the waterfall? nope! a new volkswagen. a volkswagen?! i think we're having a breakthrough here. welcome to caesar's palace. thank you.
12:03 am
if you're 55 and up, t-mobile has a plan designed just for you. and, for a limited time only, we're making it an even better deal. now you can get two lines for only $55. that includes unlimited talk, text and data. with no annual service contracts. it also includes talk, text and data when traveling in mexico and canada. so if you're 55 and up, you can now get two lines for only $55. because at t-mobile, we have a plan designed just for you.
12:04 am
♪ >> jimmy: we are back with the great david spade. he has a television show of his very own, called "lights out" with david spade. you don't have a guillermo on your show. you can't just find those. god sends them to you when you've been good. >> yeah, dime a dozen. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: how long have you been doing the show now? >> oh, i don't even know. well, we've, we just did 100 episodes, since july i guess. >> jimmy: so not quite a year. >> oh, thank you, 100 episodes. [cheers and applause] you, have you done a hundred
12:05 am
yet? >> jimmy: yeah, a few more than that. >> yeah, i knew you'd get there. >> jimmy: is it what you imagine td wou d it would be, this life? >> i thought i'd breeze in and do a couple jokes like i do here, but it's a little more planning and strategizing, it's more get up at 7:00 go in, and it's all day. i don't know how. you see this show, and you think [ bleep ], what's this guy do. >> jimmy: meetings. >> so many things going on. >> jimmy: you have to put on makeup, the whole thing, it's a mess. >> and the new thing, no crowds. >> jimmy: you guys are not going to have an audience starting on monday. >> and i don't know what to do about that. because this is a great crowd. we have great crowds. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: it's real. >> they are a good crowd. but i have no idea how that will work, know what i mean? i've done standup for ten people and stuff on a good night.
12:06 am
>> jimmy: have you done standup for no people? >> i have not done it for no, i don't know what i'll do, it will be my manager with his two dogs going, and the dog going rrrr. i don't know. >> jimmy: we'll have to figure it out. i've been trying to figure out what we're going to do. you know, you're like, oh, maybe we you haven't have people in a room together. then but it to target, and there's 8,000 people in there. >> he said "wheel of fortune" didn't, listen, those guys are waiting three hours in line to watch a game show, they're sort of dead on the inside already? they're watching roulette! >> jimmy: let's get to this story. >> okay, so here's the story. you're involved in this. >> jimmy: i'm involved. >> before the grammys, ted, a buddy of ours, has a pre-grammy party. it was no cameras, it was just 20, i think, comedy people and their dates, right? >> jimmy: right. >> so it's, you know,
12:07 am
and kevin hart. >> jimmy: tiffany haddish. >> they put me next to you, which is fine. jimmy and i get along. and this shnisn't an act. we're all bs-ing, and before the thing, ted said you guys are cool, right? we had this weird thing. >> jimmy: for those who don't know, there may be people who don't know. >> there's something i said on saturday night live years and years ago when i was on. >> jimmy: what'd you say? >> i just said a joke about him. and he wasn't in the mood for it. and he yelled at me. and we carried that grudge forever. so 30 years later. oh, my god, david's at least 30. so 30 years later he finally hosts snl and says, you know, it's still awkward for me and him. i never see the guy. but i feel bad for him.
12:08 am
i never see him out, so i go i don't care if he's here, it's fine. he's over there, and we're over here, and i'm talking and tap on the shoulder. >> jimmy: can i tell you my point of view? i'm talking and i see him coming und up behind you, okay. >> this could go bad. jimmy's going to be my backup. i don't know if that's a good idea. i think i might need chappell over there. i go huh? and he goes hey, man, can i talk to you? and i'm like, jimmy, jimmy t's go time. >> jimmy: i go like this. >> he gives me a hug, and he says, you know, hey, this is stupid, whatever. so we talked about snl and some other stuff for a while. super cool dude, fan before, still a fan. i just felt bad. i was a little thorn in his side for all that time. but we're all good now. it was fun. >> jimmy: if only our leaders in
12:09 am
washington. >> yes, why can't our -- >> jimmy: nations of the middle east, if they could just come together the way you and eddie murphy did, what a beautiful planet this would be. >> we'd fix everything in one dinner. >> jimmy: it is always a treat to have you on the show. your show is very funny "lights out with david spade", week nights, 11:35 on comedy central, next week, with no laughs! we'll be right back! in america we all count. no matter where we call home, how we worship, or who we love. and the 2020 census is how that great promise is kept. because this is the count that informs where hundreds of billions in funding will go each year for things like education, healthcare, and programs that touch us all. shape your future. start here. learn more at 2020census.gov
12:10 am
this is gonna be america's favorite breakfast. they just don't know it yet. (ding) these are a few of my favorite things. wendy's uses fresh-cracked eggs on all our breakfast sandwiches. not whatever... this stuff is. (ding) that's right. see you in the morning! you up for this? musi♪ ladies and gentlemen shadow (featuring de la soul) ♪ get ready, y'all ♪ get ready ♪ ready ♪ set ♪ jump to the rhythm as hard as you can go ♪ ♪ keep it steady ♪ steady, ♪ to the letter, ♪ right? ♪ turn it up, we giving a show hey hey hey, what'd i miss? ♪ ready, ♪ set ♪ ♪ steady, ♪ bet
12:11 am
burrito. raw kitfo. fried shiso. french fry. iced chai. tasty. pad thai. baked pie. half stack. taco pack. lobster mac. baby back. pork chop. soda pop. kebab. soursop. hot pot. i'm hungry now. noodle soup. cantaloupe. ice cream scoop. whipped cream bloop. dumpling. chicken wing. peking. and those crispy onion rings. we are america's kitchen. doordash. every flavor welcome.
12:12 am
we are america's kitchen. i'm the founder of the honey pot. my name is beatrice dixon. in the beginning it wasn't easy to, like, start this company. and there was a lot of times that it almost didn't happen. if target didn't take the chance on us, we wouldn't be in all the retailers that we're in today. but what's really dope, is they helped us with the product line, the packaging... they really, like, changed my life. the reason why it's so important for honey pot to do well is so the next black girl that comes up with a great idea, she could have a better opportunity... that means a lot to me. you've joined jimmy john's you've placed your first order. let's see what you win! oh, incredible! another winner! free sandwich! sign up for freaky fast rewards® and earn a free sandwich after your first order. and my lack of impulse control,, is about to become your problem. ahh no, come on. i saw you eating poop earlier. hey! my focus is on the road,
12:13 am
12:14 am
12:15 am
>> jimmy: welcome back. we have got music coming up, but first i wanted to -- i'm sorry, one second. guillermo? guillermo? guillermo. what are you doing? >> guillermo: what does it look like i'm doing, jimmy? i'm finally finish my memoir. >> jimmy: your what? memoir? >> guillermo: memoir. >> jimmy: you're usually slower than a tortoise in a tarpit. what has gotten into you? >> i'll tell you what's gotten into me, jimmy, panera coffee. >> jimmy: wow.
12:16 am
>> guillermo: i get all the coffee, iced coffee and hot tea i want with just $8.99 a month. >> jimmy: for $8.99 for all that? that's a great price. >> and great coffee, jimmy! plus, signing up is to easy, even you can do it, jimmy. >> jimmy: what is that supposed to mean? >> guillermo: exactly. >> jimmy: when do you think you'll be done with this book? >> guillermo: done! you want a copy? >> jimmy: it's already been published? that's impossible. >> guillermo: oh, jimmy, with unlimited coffee at panera, anything is possible. >> jimmy: what is that called? "touch miny mustache." great title. >> guillermo: great coffee. >> dicky: to sign up for $8.99,
12:17 am
go to panera.com. your cup is always full. [ music begins to build ] [ drums beat faster ] introducing an unlimited coffee subscription for $8.99 a month. at panera, your cup is always full. are haikus better than fleece? than... fleece edition. uh no way! - grapes?! pet rocks? - what?! are wizards better than fleece?! you stole my bit neil. and no, nothing's better than fleece. get thirty percent off everything or forty percent with an old navy credit card. at old navy! everyone said i was crazy. when i started this commute, so fifteen years ago, i got my first subaru and i did it anyway. for more than five hundred thousand miles, my outback always got me there.
12:18 am
so when it was time, of course i got a new one. because my kids still need me. and i need them. (vo) welcome to the all-new subaru outback. the most reliable outback ever. go where love takes you. step up. prep up. up. prep up. to help keep you free from the risk of hiv. from the makers of truvada, a new prep option: descovy for prep. a once-daily prescription medicine that helps lower the chances of getting hiv through sex. it's not for everyone. descovy for prep has not been studied in people assigned female at birth. talk to your doctor to find out if it's right for you. step up. for health and body. prep up for your one and only love or many loves. for kings, this queen, and you royals in between. for my now. our now. and my future. our future. step up. prep up. descovy is the newest way to prep. descovy does not prevent other sexually transmitted infections, so it's important to use safer sex practices and get tested regularly. you must be hiv-negative to take descovy for prep.
12:19 am
so you need to get tested for hiv immediately before and at least every 3 months while taking it. if you think you were exposed to hiv or have flu-like symptoms, tell your doctor right away. they may check to confirm you are still hiv-negative. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. rare, life-threatening side effects include a build-up of lactic acid and liver problems. the most common side effect was diarrhea. tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking descovy without talking to your doctor. ask your doctor about your risk of hiv and if descovy for prep is right for you. words are loud but actions are louder. step up. prep up. with descovy for prep. get help paying for descovy for prep. learn more at stepupprepup.com ♪ yeah. order up, it's switching time. there, that's better. switch to up to 12 hours of battery life. switch to chromebook.
12:20 am
♪ swittthe bad news?ok. our so will this recital.day. depend® fit-flex underwear offers your best comfort and protection guaranteed. because, perfect or not, life's better when you're in it. be there with depend®. ♪ find something incredible, from somewhere amazing. unique selection, unbelievable prices. homegoods. go finding. hi. uh, can you tell me how to get to i-70, please? o-okay, are you -- ah, yes. thank you. switch to progressive and you can save hundreds. you know, like the sign says.
12:21 am
12:22 am
>> jimmy: hi, welcome back to the show. still to come, music from grace vanderwaal. our next guest began her acting career in telenovelas and has since graduated to gigante movies like "baby driver" and "hobbs and shaw." next, she stars alongside vin diesel in "bloodshot." it opens friday. please say hello to eiza gonzález. ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: it's great to have you back. i see your mom has returned. >> she's back. >> jimmy: the last time you were here, you brought your mom. >> yes, i did. >> jimmy: hi, mom, how are you? how are you doing? >> hello, mommy. >> hello. i still don't speak spanish. i mean, english.
12:23 am
>> i hope you do still speak spanish. >> jimmy: you don't speak any english? well how do you know what i'm saying right now? >> she understood enough, because she lives in mexico city, so she came to visit. it's a tradition, every time i have a premiere, i i have bring. she knew enough, she came to immigration, and they ask the usual questions, what are you doing in the states? my daughter lives here, what does she do, she's an actress. anything that i've everybody seen her in? yeah, she's in "baby driver". oh, the girl who lost her green card jumping in the sky. and she's like, what? and they said, i saw it on jimmy kimmel. were they asking because they wanted to get rid of me? >> jimmy: that's right. the last time you were on the
12:24 am
show and your mom was here, you told the story of jumping out of the plane and losing your green card, and the tsa is always watching us, i guess. >> yes, they love you. hi, everyone at tsa. please don't send me to secondary. >> jimmy: what is secondary? >> secondary checkups for everyone who is not american. >> jimmy: everyone who's not american or everyone who's not american and looks like you and they want to spend a little time in secondary with you? >> i wish. sometimes they will say something, and they're like -- >> jimmy: they don't want to you sneak. >> now they will, because they're being shout out here on kimmel. and i love you guys. >> jimmy: you just had a big birthday, right? 30 years old. >> god, yes. >> jimmy: how do you feel about that? >> about my birthday? >> jimmy: about your birthday. >> i hate birthdays. i think it's the most narcissistic thing we've
12:25 am
invented. you force all your friends to come, bring you gifts and pretend like you love me and sing to me, because that's what my birthday's for, for everyone to kiss my butt. i just hate it. and i was turning 30, which is a big number for a girl, as you can imagine. girls out here? 30 is a big one. you get nervous, because you don't get away anything anymore, and you think i'm a woman, you know. i felt very secure about myself. but long story short, i said i'm going to have a very tame, like just very easy birthday. i was going to do a little thing at a bar, and then going to the super bowl, which is my version of, i love football. >> jimmy: you really love football. >> i really love football. >> jimmy: what's your team? >> a team that will never clearly see a super bowl, called the cowboys. >> jimmy: they've seen many super bowls. >> i mean lately, lately.
12:26 am
>> jimmy: the cowboys were not in the super bowl for your birthday. the niners and the chiefs. >> the chiefs, yeah. >> jimmy: who were you rooting for there? >> i originally was rooting for the 49ers, but it was, so we went to present at the nfl honors, i'm sure you've done that beforele. they ta they take a big group and in that group was paul rudd and his kid. >> jimmy: big chiefs fan. >> i was rooting for the 49ers, i was the only one there rooting for the 49ers, and he, they were so excited that i was just like, i'm going to root for them now. >> jimmy: you switched over. >> i switched. this was really cute. every time something would happen, because we at a, like one of those balconies. >> jimmy: a sky box. >> a sky box, and there were a couple fans underneath. they'd be ah, ah, ah, it was like, whoa, you've never seen anything like this. to the point that when they won,
12:27 am
his kid had a nose bleed. it was crazy, and he's ah, ah. and i'm like, your nose is bleeding. and he's like, we finally won! and he would hug me, and i would be, like, i guess the blood's nice. >> jimmy: paul's kid had a nose bleed. >> they were so happy. congratulations to them. it was a big thing for them. >> jimmy: it's called the rudd blood. when it comes out, you know they've won something. you switched over to that team. >> i did. >> jimmy: then did you go out? what did you do in miami? >> it all started backtracking to my birthday, right? it was going to be a chill birthday, so i ended up going to this bar, this little thing, and then it turned out to one shots, two shots, three shots four. someone threw up on my cake. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. i had footage. and like the best part was coming back from miami, because -- >> jimmy: what? >> you watched "the hangover." it was like that. >> jimmy: it was like that? >> i opened my phone, i was
12:28 am
like, whoa, what is going on here? and it became a big blur of four days completely drunk and ended at like, you know there's all these afterparties. >> jimmy: yeah, the super bowl, sure. >> in miami. >> jimmy: it gets crazy. >> it gets crazy. my people love a celebration, you know, there's a lot of latinos out there, we love this music. there was this crazy afterparty that we didn't know we going to go until i got there. and there was a strip club. >> jimmy: oh, really? you didn't know you were -- >> no, it was like somebody's afterparty. snoop dogg's going to perform. i'm like, i want to see snoop dogg, until you discover it's snoop dogg at a strip club. >> jimmy: was it a good performance? >> it was amazing, you know why? i heard that rappers thing about sing about strippers. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and i was like, they all fall in love with them. what is this thing? they all fall in love with them, do they spend a lot of time there? what's the drill? >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> and so i was there.
12:29 am
and like after an hour i was like, doo, doo, doo. i didn't really know what to do. so i sat down, and there was a stripper giving a lap dance next to me, and i was like, so what's going on, and she's like, well, yeah, you know, and we started having a full conversation about our lives. >> jimmy: mm-hm. >> as she twerked. and it was really impressive. and then she was like, you know, my back really hurts. because i was like, how do you do this? this is impressive. it's like cirque du soleil with butts. it was like athletes. and she was like, i have to get my body worked, massages, my back hurts all the time. okay, noted, can you teach me how to do this? sure. we exchanged numbers. we're friends. >> jimmy: oh, really? you're in love with a stripper now? >> i'm in love with a stripper. she's amazing. >> jimmy: you made a friend. that's where the closest friendships are made. >> i love her so much, you know they have the money. it was another stripper trying
12:30 am
to take herman, and money, and , no! that's my girl's money. back up, back up. i was helping her. we're best friends. >> jimmy: it sounds like. i bet your mother is thrilled. >> i sent her a video. she had a ball. >> jimmy: oh, really, all right. it's great to see you. "bloodshot" opens in theatres friday and we'll return with music from grace vanderwaal. ♪ [cheers and applause] >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by the amg gt four-door coupe. mercedes amg, driving performance.
12:31 am
you know, the happiest place on earth, but... have you flown the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy? or channeled your inner jedi? you gotta love that... have you raced through radiator springs? or struck a power pose with them? now is the perfect time to feel like this... and this... and definitely that. kids enjoy the magic for just $67 per child per day, with a 3-day 1-park per day ticket.
12:32 am
>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is brought to you by mercedes benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: thanks to david spade and eiza gonzalez. apologies to matt damon, nightline is next, but first, from the original soundtrack for "stargirl," here with the song "today and tomorrow," grace vanderwaal! [cheers and applause] ♪
12:34 am
12:35 am
12:36 am
12:37 am
this is "nightline." tonight, the president facing the pandemic head on. >> the virus will not have a chance against us. no nation is more prepared or more resilient than the united states. >> extreme measures to try to stop covid-19. >> smart action today will help prevent the spread of the virus tomorrow. >> after a stark warning. >> bottom line, it's going to get worse. >> families divided by the virus. inside the nation's first contagion zone. and now the nba suspending the season after one player tests positive. and
314 Views
IN COLLECTIONS
KGO (ABC)Uploaded by TV Archive on
