one thing i think we can all agree on after a month of this is that there are too many hours in the day. we need to cut a few of them. whose idea was 24 anyway? i propose we change the length of days for at leasts a while anyway, to 14 hours. sleep for seven, awake for seven. that's enough. it would get us through this about 40% faster. that's called thinking outside of the box! this is interesting. walmart, you know that store with the old people in the vests out front? walmart reports that sales of hair clippers and hair color have skyrocketed over the past two weeks. we have now entered the panic-buying grooming products phase. apparently this is a thing. there are phases of emergency-time shopping trends. >> jimmy: week 1: we make a run on the hand sanitizer, soap and disinfectants. week 2: we buy up all the toilet paper. weeks 3 and 4: stores sell out of spiral hams and bakers yeast. week 5: we have a shortage of hair care products.

next week we're expected to run out of harpoons and pop rocks. so stock up. by the way, do you really need to color your hair right now? who are you trying to impress? your cat? today, as you probably know, would have been tax day. but we got a three month extension. do you think we'll be able to write off "bathrobes" as a business expense this year? i love that we got a three month extension the one year we finally had time to sit down and actually do our taxes. basically, the government is hoping that by mid-july everyone will have received their stimulus checks so they can turn around and send them right back. some people have already received their relief money via direct deposit. but those who are waiting for an actual check will have to wait until next month. according to "the washington post," one of the reasons for the delay is because "someone" decided to print donald trump's name on every check. gee, i wonder whose idea that was? this is the first time a president has ever had his name printed on a government check.

ever. that is insane. delaying the delivery of relief checks so they can put his name on them might be the trumpiest thing trump has ever done. this is the dumbest thing he decided to put his name on since donald jr. and that's sayin' a lot. the treasury department released an image of what the check will look like. when it does arrive. there it is. why on earth would his name be on these checks? they're not from him. it's not his money. he didn't even put his name on the check he sent stormy daniels. those dollars are tax dollars we paid. as far as i know, he doesn't even pay taxes! he certainly hasn't produced any evidence of it. he's like a drug lord giving the villagers cash on christmas so they look the other way the rest of the year. trump will not be sending checks to the world health organization going forth. he says he will stop all funding until a review has been conducted. stopping funding to an organization that handles pandemics in the middle of a pandemic is like slashing your

own tires because you're mad you woke up late for work. so far, he's blamed this on obama, the governors, the media, the w.h.o. has he blamed it on the mexicans yet? no? he'll get to that. and now after initially praising china and how transparent they were, he's back jabbing a little baby carrot at them. >> you were criticizing the w.h.o. for praising china. >> i don't talk about china's transparency, well, you know, if i'm so good to china, how come i'm the only person, the only leader of a country who closed its borders tightly against china. when i closed our border, that was long before, you can ask anyone in the room, 21 people. i was the one person who wanted to do it. debra can tell you that better than anybody. i was the one person who wanted to do it. you know why? because i don't believe everything i hear. >> jimmy: me neither. i don't even believe there's a debra.

and by the way, 45 countries closed their borders before we did. and we didn't even actually close them to china. 40,000 people came in from china. if you didn't catch yesterday's episode of the celebrity president, it was another rough ride. it went on for about an hour. but this should pretty much sum it up. >> i told them, when they put this guy here, he's nothing but trouble. he's a showboat. if you keep talking, i'll leave, and can you have it out with the rest of these people. >> i have two questions, one is -- >> one question. >> a person who can't be here. >> who cares. if you keep talking, i'm going to leave and you can have it out with them. just a loud mouth. >> dr. fauci said this morning that that critical testing and tracing ability does not currently exist. >> i don't know what he said. nobody knows. look at this, the way this looks, i don't even like the way it looks, although i have a lot fewer reporters, that's okay with me. quiet, quiet. >> how on earth are we going to

get to a point where we have millions and millions of tests when workers are tested when they go to work. >> jimmy: i'm unhappy! prepare my commode! this is interesting. our president, according to the failing "new york times," wanted to do a daily talk radio show from the white house. the show would have been for two hours a day with the idea that he'd field questions from callers. like a "dumpster fire side chat." and the reason he decided not to go through with it was he didn't wanna compete with rush limbaugh. for real. even the president couldn't get through quarantine without thinking about launching a podcast. maybe they should just tell him he has a radio show. just lock him in a room with an unplugged microphone and let him go. i don't think he has enough to do. he even claims he's watching baseball. >> we have to get our sports back. i'm tired of watching baseball games that are 14 years old. but i haven't actually had too much time to watch. i would say maybe i watch one batter, and then i get back to work. >> jimmy: or maybe not.

i like when he admits he's been wasting time and then immediately retracts it. dr. anthony fauci, in the meantime, gave his thoughts on how sports could come back. and i have to say, i dont know if he's been spending too much time with trump, but this sounds crazy too! >> there's a way of doing that. nobody comes to the stadium. put them in big hotels, you know, wherever you want to play. keep them very well surveilled. and have them tested like every week. >> jimmy: so we would put the players under surveillance? and test them every week. that doesn't sound problematic at all. maybe we could keep the fast ones on a leash. regardless of when team trump wants to reopen, it will be up to the states to make that decision. new yorkers are now required to wear masks in public. here in l.a., mayor eric garcetti told cnn that we are very unlikely to see sports or concerts again until 2021. california governor gavin newsom said that when business does get going again, restaurants would have fewer tables, disposable menus and they would check our

temperature before we can come in. imagine that? they take your temperature while they get your table ready? i hope they take it orally because that is not why i go to the cheesecake factory. but this could be the way it goes. if they can't come up with a vaccine researchers at harvard estimate we could be doing this in some form until 2022. that's not even social distancing anymore. that's full-on hibernating. i tell you what, if this does go on another two years i am finally going to sit down and figure out what the hell this tiktok is. that's my goal. today, senator elizabeth warren endorsed joe biden for president. she didn't induce, she's not having a baby. yesterday joe got an endorsement from obama. obama was reportedly instrumental in convincing bernie to drop out "the ny times" reports that senator sanders and president obama had "at least four long conversations" on the subject. although the first three were obama trying to walk bernie through how to work zoom. meanwhile, here's what bernie is up to now! >> uncle bernie, how you doing?

>> i am good, cardi, take a look at my nails, how are they looking? >> they're looking very quarantine. i can tell you been on quarantine for a while now with your nails, but, you know what, it's okay, uncle bernie. >> okay. >> jimmy: poor bernie, that's the saddest thing i've ever seen. they're working on a new plan called "manicure for all." we're going to take a break. we'll be right back with jason bateman. ♪ >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by verizon. that's why verizon is giving you more of the entertainment you want. dayley is usually watching a tv show, and mckenna is almost always listening to music. we love verizon. i get the shows i need when i need them. (vo) now unlimited plans come with your favorite artists on apple music, shows and movies on disney+, and over 70 top channels of live tv with youtube tv.

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♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house. tomorrow night seth rogen will be with us. tonight, a man of multiple

talents, he's been on tv since before he was born, season three of his great show "ozark" is on netflix now, say hello to jay-bay. jason bateman. >> are we doing this right now or is this rehearsal? let's just do rehearsal, and i'll get the makeup done and. >> jimmy: i'm really enjoying your hair. it really has taken full command of your head. >> first shower in four weeks. >> jimmy: you're usually a very hygienic person, yes? >> i am. this hasn't been super uncomfortable for me, as far as the extra steps one needs to go through to comply with, you know, the hygiene requests, the hand washing and sprinting from somebody about to sneeze, i've got all those moves down. >> jimmy: do you have a hand washing ritual that you can share with us? >> i, well, 20 seconds is not a

problem for me, for starters. the big one that i incorporated was, and i learned this from mr. leonardo dicaprio in the, what do you call it, movie, the howard hughes movie. where he scrapes his hands with his fingernails so that you get the soap underneath the fingernails. it's, it's pretty genius. >> jimmy: so you are taking your hand washing tips from an actor who is channeling a lunatic, a recluse, someone who went, died insane. >> and who had famously long fingernails. so. and which, you know, my fingernails are actually getting pretty gross long, too, because i don't clip them. i start, i start it with a chew. and then i do a very elegant peel. >> jimmy: ooh. >> but i'm not putting my fingers in my mouth.

so i've got almost four weeks of growth here. i'm not going to show them to you. >> jimmy: you're like cardi b. >> i get that all the time. >> jimmy: how's the family doing? >> i'm not sure. [ laughter ] >> i've been pretending to be positive for three weeks just to stay away from them. no. they're doing great. >> jimmy: i don't know if you remember this, but last time you were on the show, when we were in a studio with an audience and all that stuff, you said something to the effect that you'd ruin the easter bunny for your older daughter frannie and made her promise not to tell your other daughter, maple, how did that go on easter? >> that's right. it was sunday. it was great. frannie has done great. she has not mentioned anything. maple is still, she still is convinced that, you know, a

four-pound bunny can carry eight pounds worth of candy and chocolate in two baskets into the house. but she did tell me to keep an eye out for the bunny, because she was pretty convinced she saw him before she was going to bed last year. when i was putting her to bed on sunday she said if you see him, wake me up. i do feel like this is the last year. >> jimmy: oh, she saw him last year. so you either need to call the exterminator or police. >> i said what did he look like? he was a little taller than you, like a man in a bunny suit. and i said he was walking around downstairs? and she said yeah. >> jimmy: you, are you helping the kids with homework? because you, as we know, were a kid actor, you never learned to read or write. you were on those sets that weren't even schools. they were really just like labor factories, yes? >> oh, god, it would be a whole different segment on so much bad behavior and bad learning. yeah.

so, yeah. needless to say, i'm having trouble teaching my 8-year-old second grade. it's amazing how much i don't know. long division is very difficult. i'm great with art. i'm great with setting up the zoom sessions. >> jimmy: uh-huh, good. >> changing background. i do know how to do that. >> jimmy: i don't feel like that really hurt you in any way, because, well, you won an emmy for best director, which is fantastic. and very exciting. ozark, you know, people will ask me, what are you watching. and we love "ozark", and it's one of the great shows. and they always say, yeah, yeah, i watched it already. everyone seems to be watching it. season three has 100% with the top critics on rotten tomatoes, did you know that? pretend you didn't. >> say that again? >> it's got 100% positive. >> i don't have anything to do

except continually refresh rotten tomatoes. and see if we have, look, all we have to do with all those brave people doing all that incredible medical work, our job is just to stay home. i feel like that's the least we do. >> jimmy: for sure. and we are going to talk about a charity in a moment. also when we come back, i'm going to give you a little quiz. you know i'm obsessed with your youth and all the tv shows were you in and i was watching. so i'm going to give you a little quiz to see if you remember as much about jason bateman as i do. jason bateman is with us, we'll be right back. ♪ never bothered me. until i found out what it actually was. dust mite droppings! eeeeeww! dead skin cells! gross! so now, i grab my swiffer sweeper and heavy-duty dusters. duster extends to three feet to get all that gross stuff gotcha!

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i do motivational speakingld. in addition to the substitute teaching. i honestly feel that that's my calling-- to give back to younger people. i think most adults will start realizing that they don't recall things as quickly as they used to or they don't remember things as vividly as they once did. i've been taking prevagen for about three years now. people say to me periodically, "man, you've got a memory like an elephant." it's really, really helped me tremendously. prevagen. healthier brain. better life.

kimmel live" from my house. we're here with jason bateman who has agreed to let us test him on his own career from quarantine. you've been on tv for a long team, what, 75 years? >> 76. >> jimmy: a long time. some of those projects were very successful, others were not. now we're going to play a game called "was i in it". i will read the description of a tv show or movie, you will tell us if you were in it. bonus points if you can remember the character's name. a teenage scam artist lives with his mother. >> that's "it's your move", matthew burton, and he love as good point. >> jimmy: next, a successful lawyer quits his job to become a teacher. >> was in it.

it was called "the jake effect", so i'm going to say his first name might have been jake. not great on the last name. >> jimmy: good enough. that's correct. a gay mild-mannered writer lives in greenwich village with his homophobic roommate. were you in it? >> you bet you, that was "some of my best friends" taken from the film "kiss me guido." danny nuchy there. i was the homosexual. when i auditioned for it, i asked the casting director would they like me to read in a flamboyant way? and they said no, you're gay enough, just come on in. >> jimmy: do you remember your name? >> no. >> jimmy: warren fairbanks. two guys named mike woo the same girl. were you in it? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, that's a show we made up called "two guys named mike." a wall street stockbroker shows

up at his brother's auto repair shop looking for a new lease on life, were you in it? >> i was in it. boy, look at that. >> jimmy: "black sheep" was the name of it. you played jonathan kelly. a wall street stockbroker loses his wife and job and finds himself in harlem sharing a tenement with his simple brother. >> it was called "simon." there he is, harlan williams. now my name was, i want to, no, his name was simon. what was my name? >> jimmy: carl hemple. you were carl. >> ah, there goes maple. say hi to jimmy. see, i keep her outside. that way there's more food for me inside the house. right? >> jimmy: hi, maple. watch out for rodents. there she goes. one more, here we go. a teenaged musician goes on the run from killers, and the police when he returns home to find his house empty and his family gone.

>> you're pulling a lot from the bill payer side of the ledger. this was called "crossing the mob", i think or "moving target." >> jimmy: "moving target." >> "crossing the mob" is probably next. >> jimmy: not only, we have a clip from "moving target." here we go. >> toby kellogg's been away from his family. >> while i was gone, they moved. >> he's being chased by the cops and hunted by the mob. and he's got to find his family before a killer does. >> where's my family? >> jason bateman is "a moving target." >> not only am i in a deep sweat, but you and i are in a fight. >> jimmy: jason, you've chosen as your charity tonight, i'll be making a donation to direct relief, which is not an

antacid. what is it? >> it's an antacid for workers to keep them safe. >> jimmy: the show is "ozark." will there be a season four? can you say? >> chances are decent, we should know soon. but everybody keep their fingers crossed for world health and season four, please. >> jimmy: jason bateman, thank you, jason. we'll be right back. ♪ (announcer) once-weekly ozempic® is helping many people with type 2 diabetes like james lower their blood sugar. a majority of adults who took ozempic® reached an a1c under 7 and maintained it. my a1c is under 7! (announcer) and you may lose weight. adults who took ozempic® lost on average up to 12 pounds. i lost almost 12 pounds! oh! (announcer) for those also with known heart disease, ozempic® lowers the risk of major cardiovascular events

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we saw the earthquake grace in bold was offering a grant program. i signed up and i was actually selected it leaves the house in tack. you now know that in the next earthquake and earthquake insurance. your houseil sinurk. if there is an earthquake. our house has a better chance of surviving in. if there is an earthquake. ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house. before we go i'd like to mention that i set up an email address where you can ask me questions. any weird questions you like. i've already received hundreds of emails like this one from

"who would win in a fight? astronaut vs caveman." fist fight ok, no weapons, no outside help. they are only allowed what they are currently wearing. astronaut. no question. cavemen were about this tall. and did you ever see buzz aldrin punch out that nut who claimed he faked the moon landing? astronaut in the second round. i don't have anytime, but i'll answer some questions tomorrow. i want to thank jason bateman. i want to apologize to matt damon. i'm so sorry i ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next, buenos for him. "nightline" is next, buenos noches, everybody. in these uncertain times, look after yourself, for him. "nightline" is next, buenos noches, everybody. your family, your friends. but know when it comes to your finances, we are here for you.

what can i do for you today? we'll take a look at the portfolio and make adjustments. i'm free to chat if you have any more questions. our j.p.morgan advisors are working from home to help guide you through this. for more than 200 years, we've helped our clients navigate historic challenges. and we will get through this one... together. ♪ ♪ this is kind of a first... for all of us. ♪ ♪ but maybe this is a time to put other things... first. ♪ ♪ like being the first to check in. ♪ ♪ or the first to try you hand at the culinary arts. or all the arts. be the first to volunteer. or the first to say it's all going to be okay. and when the day comes, when we're no longer looking at our worlds from the inside out. it will be what we did in here that will make us stronger out there. whaso let's do the rightver chanthing, today.ow. let's stay at home. let's wash up. let's always keep our distance -