welcome to my house. i'm in mine, you're in yours. one thing i think we can all agree on after a month of this, there are too many hours in the day, whose idea was 24 anyway? i propose we change the length of days for at least a while anyway, to 14 hours. we sleep for seven. we're awake for seven. that's enough. that would get us through this about 40% faster. it's called thinking outside the box, people. walmart, you know that store with the old people in the vests out front? walmart reports sales of hair clippers and hair color have skyrocketed over the past two weeks because we've now entered the panic buying grooming products phase. apparently, that's a thing, there are phases. week one we make a run on hand sanitizer and disinfectants. weeks two we buy toilet paper.

week three, spiral hams, week four, baking yeast, and week five, hair care products. next week, pop rocks. are you really trying to impress your cat? today would have been tax day. we got a three-month extension. i wonder if we'll be able to write off bathrobes as a business expense. but i love that we got an extension. the one year we finally had a chance to sit down and do our taxes on time. the government's basically hoping by mid july everyone will have received their stimulus checks and can turn around and send them right back to the irs. those who are waiting for an actual check will have to wait until next month. according to the "washington post," the checks are delayed because someone decided he

wasn'ted to pri wasn wanted to print donald trump's name on them. wonder whose idea that was? this is the first time a president has had his name on a relief check ever. delaying them to put his name on them might be the trumpiest thing he has ever done. this is the dumbest thing he's decided to put his name on since donald jr. that's saying a lot. they released an image of what it will look like when it does arrive. there it is. why on earth would he put his name on it. it's not his money. he didn't put his name on the check he sent stormy daniels. these dollars are tax dollars, as far as i know, he hasn't paid any taxes. he's like the drug lord giving the villagers cash on christmas so they look the other way the rest of the year. he says he'll stop all funding until a review has been conducted on the w.h.o. stopping funding to an organization that handles

pandemic in the middle of a pandemic is like slashing your own tires because you're mad you woke up late for work. so far, he's blamed this on obama, the governors, the media, the w.h.o. has he blamed it on the mexicans yet? no. he'll get to that. now, after initially praising china and how transparent they were, he's back jabbing a little baby carrot at them. >> you were criticizing the w.h.o. for praising china for be being transparent, but you also praised china for being transparent. >> i don't talk about china's transparency, if i was so good to china, how come i am the only leader of a country that closed our borders tightly against china. and by the way, when i closed our border, that was long ahead of what anybody, you can ask anybody that was in the room, 21 people. i was the one person that wanted to do it. debra can tell you that, better than anybody. i was the one person that wanted to do it. you know why? because i don't believe

everything i hear. >> jimmy: me neither. i don't even believe there's a debra. by the way, 45 countries closed their borders before we did. and we didn't actually close our boerts borders to china. 40,000 people came in from china. if you didn't catch yesterday's edition of the celebrity president, this should wrap it up. >> this guy's nothing but trouble. he's a showboat. if you keep talking, i'll leave and can you have it out with the rest of these people. >> i have two questions, one is for -- >> one question. le >> a person who can't be here. >> who cares. if you keep talking, i'm going to leave and you can have it out with them. >> simple question. >> just a loud mouth. >> dr. fauci said this morning that that critical testing and tracing ability does not exist. >> i don't know what he said. nobody knows. look at this, the way it looks, i don't even like the way it looks, although i have a lot fewer reporters, that's fine

with me. quiet, quiet, quiet. >> how on earth are we going to get to a point where we have millions and millions of tests where people are tested when they go to work. >> jimmy: i'm unhappy, prepare my commode. this is interesting, our president, according to the failing "new york times" wanted to do a daily talk radio show from the white house. the show would have been two hours a day with the idea that he'd field questions from callers. kind of like a dumpster fireside chat. and the reason he decided not to go through with it is he didn't want to compete with rush limbaugh, for real. even the president couldn't get through quarantine without thinking about launching a podcast. i would just tell him he has a rad radio show. lock him in a room with an unplugged mi unplugged microphone and let him go. he even claims he's watching baseball. >> i haven't actually had too much time to watch. i would say maybe i watch one

batter and get back to work. >> jimmy: i look when he admits he's been wasting time and then immediately pulls it back. dr. anthony fauci, in the meantime, gave his thoughts on how sports could potentially come back. i don't know if he's been spending too much time with trump, but this sounds crazy, too. >> there's a way of doing that. nobody comes through the stadium. put them in big hotels, you know, where ever you want to play. keep them very well surveilled. and have them tested like every week. >> jimmy: so we would lock the players in hotels and keep them under surveillance and then test them? that doesn't sound problematic at all. maybe we could keep the fast ones on a leash. regardless of when team trump wants to open, it will be up to the states to make that decision. new yorkers are now required to wear masks in public. mayor garcetti told cnn we are very unlikely to see sports or concerts again until 2021. california governor newsom said when business does get going

again, restaurants would have fewer tables, disposable menus and they'd take your temperature. imagine that, i hope they take it orally, because that is not why i go to the cheesecake factory. but this could be the way it is. if they can't come up with a vaccine, we could be doing this in some form until 2022. that is not social distancing, that is full-on hibernating. if this does go on another two years i'm finally going to sit down and figure out what tik tok is, that's my goal. today senator warren induced. she's not having a baby, she, se endorsed joe biden. the "new york times" reports senator sanders and prbarack oba

had conversations about this. >> uncle bernie, how you doing? >> i am good, cardi. i want you to take a look at my nails. how they looking? >> they're looking very quarantined. i can tell you've been on quarantine for a while now with your nails, but, you know what? it's okay, uncle bernie. >> okay. >> jimmy: poor bernie. they're working together on a new plan called manicure for all that i think is going to solve everything. hey, we got a fun show tonight, one of my favorite guys. we'll take a break and jason bateman will be with us when we return. >> dicky: abc's jimmy kimmel live, brought to you by verizon. for over 20 years. g with everything going on, we've had to alter our classroom settings. we have to transition into virtual learning. on the network, we can have teachers face-to-face with a student in live-time. they can raise their hand and ask questions. they can type questions. we just need to make sure that the education is continuing.

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>> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house. tomorrow night seth rogen will be with us. tonight, a man of multiple

talents, he's been on tv since before he was born, season three of his great show "ozark" is on netflix now, say hello to jason bateman. hi, jason. >> are we doing this right now? or is this just a rehearsal? let's just rehearse one and do it for real, because i got to get in wardrobe, get the makeup done. >> jimmy: i'm enjoying your hair. it's really taken full command of your head. >> please don't. first shower in four weeks. >> jimmy: you're usually a very hygienic person, yes? >> i am. so i haven't, this hasn't been super uncomfortable for me, as far as the extra steps one needs to go to, to comply with, you know, the hygiene request, the hand washing and the sprinting from somebody about to sneeze. you' i've got all those moves down.

>> jimmy: do you have a hand washing ritual you can share with us. >> quewell, 20 seconds is not a hard one for me. the big one, and i learned this from mr. leonardo dicaprio in the what do you call it movie, the howard hughes movie, where he scrapes his hands with his fingernails while in the, so you get the soap underneath the fingernails. it it's, it's pretty genius. >> jimmy: so you are taking your hand washing tips from an actor who is channeling a lunatic, a recluse, someone who died insane. >> and who had famously long fingernails. so and which, you know, my fingernails actually are getting pretty gross long, too. because i don't, i don't clip them. i start, i start it with a chew, and then i do a very elegant peel. >> jimmy: ooh.

>> but i'm not putting my fingers in my mouth. so i've got almost four weeks of growth here. i'm not going to show them to you. >> jimmy: you're like cardi b. >> i get that all the time. >> jimmy: how's the family doing? >> i'm not sure. i've been pretending to be positive for three weeks, just to stay away from them. no. they're doin' great. >> jimmy: i don't know if you remember this. but last time you were on the show when we were in a studio with an audience and all that stuff, you said something to the effect that you'd ruined the easter bunny for your older daughter frannie and made her promise not to tell your younger daughter maple. how did that go on easter? >> that's right, exactly. so that was sunday. it was great, yeah. frannie, frannie has done great. she has not mentioned anything. maple is still, she still is convinced that, you know, a four-pound bunny can carry eight pounds worth of candy and

chocolate, two baskets into the house. but she did tell me to keep an eye out for the bunny, because she was pretty convinced she saw him as she was going to bed last year. she said if you see him wake me up. so i do feel like this is, this is the last year. >> jimmy: oh, she saw him last year. you either need to call an external na exterminator or the police. >> i said what did he look like? he said he was a little taller than you, like a man in a bunny suit. and i said he was walking around downstairs? she said yeah. >> jimmy: you, are you helping the kids with homework? because you, as we know, were a kid actor, an actor since you were very young. you never learned to read or write. were you on those sets that weren't even schools. they were really just like labor factories, yes? >> oh, god. we could do a whole separate segment on so much bad behavior and bad learning.

yeah, so, yeah. needless to say, i'm having trouble teaching my, my 8-year-old second grade. it's amazing how much i don't know. long division is very difficult. i'm great with art. i'm great with setting up the zoom sessions. >> jimmy: uh-huh, good. >> changing background. i do know how to do that. >> jimmy: i don't feel like that really hurt you in any way, because, well, you won an emmy for best director, which is fantastic. and very exciting. "ozark", you know, people will say to me, what are you watching? we love "ozark", and i said i should watch "ozark", and they say, yeah, i'm watching it already. it has 100% on rotten tomatoes, did you knee? pretend you didn't. >> say that again?

>> jimmy: it's got 100% positive, i know you don't really check that. >> i don't have anything to do except continually refresh rotten tomatoes and see if we have, yeah, i mean, look, all we have to do, with all those brave people doing all that incredible medical work, our job is just to stay home. i feel like that's the least we can do. >> jimmy: for sure. and we are going to talk about a charity in a moment. also, when we come back, i'm going to give you a little quiz. you know i'm obsessed with your youth and all the tv shows that were you in and i was watching. so i'm going to give you a little quiz to see if you remember as much about jason bateman as i do. jason bateman is with us, we'll be right back. heroes for leading this fight. for early mornings, late nights, double shifts, and overnights, for calloused hands and skin scrubbed raw. and for being brave enough to go to work today.

thank you, from all of us cheering you on. [overlapping applause and cheers] charmin ultra soft is so soft too much, are you hon? you'll have to remind your family they can use less. charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. enjoy the go with charmin. ♪ when you need it, jack delivers: order on uber eats, postmates and grubhub. when you need it, jack delivers: whaso let's do the rightver chanthing, today.ow. let's stay at home. let's wash up. let's always keep our distance - please, six feet apart at least.

let's look after ourselves, as well as others. it will all be worth it. we can all do our part. so those on the front line can do their part. and when this is over, we will all, continue, to thrive.

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♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house. we're here with jason bateman who has agreed to let us test him on his own career from quarantine. you've been on tv for a long team, what, 75 years? >> 76. >> jimmy: a long time. some of those projects were very successful, others were not. now we're going to play a game called "was i in it". i will read the description of a tv show or movie, you will tell us if you were in it. bonus points if you can remember the character's name. a teenage scam artist lives with his mother. >> that's "it's your move", matthew burton, and he loves a good point. >> jimmy: next, a successful lawyer quits his job to become a teacher. >> was in it.

it was called "the jake effect", so i'm going to say his first name might have been jake. not great on the last name. >> jimmy: good enough. that's correct. a gay mild-mannered writer lives in greenwich village with his homophobic roommate. were you in it? >> you bet you, that was "some of my best friends" taken from the film "kiss me guido." danny nuchy there. i was the homosexual. when i auditioned for it, i asked the casting director would they like me to read in a flamboyant way? and they said no, you're gay enough, just come on in. >> jimmy: do you remember your name? >> no. >> jimmy: warren fairbanks. two guys named mike woo the same girl. were you in it? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, that's a show we made up called "two guys named mike." a wall street stockbroker shows up at his brother's auto repair shop looking for a new lease on life, were you in it?

>> i was in it. boy, look at that. >> jimmy: "black sheep" was the name of it. you played jonathan kelly. a wall street stockbroker loses his wife and job and finds himself in harlem sharing a tenement with his simple brother. >> it was called "simon." there he is, harlan williams. now my name was, i want to, no, his name was simon. what was my name? >> jimmy: carl hemple. you were carl. >> ah, there goes maple. say hi to jimmy. see, i keep her outside. that way there's more food for me inside the house. right? >> jimmy: hi, maple. watch out for rodents. there she goes. one more, here we go. a teenaged musician goes on the run from killers, and the police when he returns home to find his house empty and his family gone.

>> you're pulling a lot from the bill payer side of the ledger. this was called "crossing the mob", i think or "moving target." >> jimmy: "moving target." >> "crossing the mob" is probably next. >> jimmy: not only, we have a clip from "moving target." here we go. >> toby kellogg's been away from his family. >> while i was gone, they moved. >> he's being chased by the cops and hunted by the mob. and he's got to find his family before a killer does. >> where's my family? >> jason bateman is "a moving target." >> not only am i in a deep sweat, but you and i are in a fight. >> jimmy: jason, you've chosen as your charity tonight, i'll be making a donation to direct relief, which is not an antacid. what is it?

>> it's an antacid for workers in medicine, it gives them more things to keep them safe. >> jimmy: the show is "ozark." will there be a season four? can you say? >> chances are decent, we should know soon. but everybody keep their fingers crossed for world health and season four, please. >> jimmy: jason bateman, thank you, jason. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ say hi. ♪ a pandemic has the possibility of bringing us together in ways none of us would have been able to expect. ♪ i'm so small said the mole.

yes said the boy, but you make a huge difference. ♪ ♪ ♪ (little girl) [pthank you, love you!g] (neighbors) thank you! thank you! [clinking and applause continues]

♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house. before we go i'd like to mention that i set up an email address i just got one. where you can ask me questions. any weird questions you like. i've already received hundreds

"who would win in a fight? astronaut vs caveman." fist fight ok, no weapons, no outside help. they are only allowed what they are currently wearing. astronaut. no question. cavemen were about this tall. and did you ever see buzz aldrin punch out that nut who claimed he faked the moon landing? astronaut in the second round. i don't have any time, but i'll answer some questions tomorrow. i want to thank jason bateman. i want to apologize to matt damon. i'm so sorry i ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next, buenos noches, everybody. irs is sending stimulus checks to people who passed away. loved ones are wondering what to do next. >> the pandemic is left essential services without the volunteers they need. coming up i'll explain how you can get out and help your community. a new purpose during the covid-19 pandemic.

new ways business is working to keep pets and owners safe. >> april showers on the way. will they impact weekend plans. >> we kind of human resources that only a nation state could be afforded. >> governor newsom reminding us today california has some of the best and brightest minds. he's put together a team including former california governors and silicon valley leaders to work on a new economic recovery team. as the state enters recession. despite the need for economic growth. we could a long way from reopening. >> health and science and a real data. >> more counties are requiring people to wear face coverings in public. >> any time you are inside or