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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  April 22, 2020 12:36am-1:07am PDT

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here we are again. thank you for watching. on what is a very special day at my house. it is our son billy's third birthday. we are very grateful to the doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists and everyone who worked to save his life three years ago this week at cedars-sinai and children's hospital here in l.a. billy is donating a thousand n95 masks to children's hospital to thank them. he doesn't know he is, but he is. the only mask billy knows about is a spider-man mask, which he wears constantly. he is non-stop with spider-man. all day and night. he sleeps with him. billy is obsessed with two things, spider-man and the word "diarrhea." and i am going to surprise him with one of those tonight. speaking of spider-man, the comic book world is mourning this week. because of the coronavirus, san diego comic con has been officially cancelled for the first time in its 50-year history. that's the bad news. the good news is if you still want to pack into a building
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with a bunch of other people wearing masks, you can just go to any trader joe's. cancelling comic con is a shame. people look forward to it all year, but it was definitely the right call. the only thing that would be worse than getting the coronavirus would be getting it because a guy dressed like loki sneezed on your nachos. a city worker in tampa made a surprising discovery over the weekend. like most places, the public parks there are shut down. but a warden discovered a guy working out at a park downtown, and that guy turned out to be tom brady, the new quarterback for the buccaneers. and, this is the best part, she kicked him out. and look, i know that we need to be safe, and high profile people have a responsibility to encourage responsible behavior, but i still feel like this is one of the few times it would have been appropriate to say, "do you know who i am? i'm tom f-ing brady! god sent me to win you guys a super bowl. you should be staying in your house to keep me safe!" anyway, tom brady is at the park
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working out. and his friend gronk is coming with him. why, i do not know. is football even coming back? i have a sneaking suspicion tom doesn't realize he's living in florida because he retired last month. a lot of people are working hard during this time, and one group who i feel is not getting enough praise are the people who work at grocery stores. they are putting their health at risk so we can hoard oreos. but the employees at kroger in a number of cities did get an incredibly generous perk for their gallantry. a flier was circulated that said as part of their "associate appreciation program," "to support the hard work of the kroger associates, they are offering all pepsi 20 ounce soft drink products for only one dollar each." limit two per transaction. dr. pepper not included. well, of course, dr. pepper is not included. he is on the front lines fighting the virus! so there you go.
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more beauty in the face of adversity. thank you for all you mountain dew. meanwhile, there are reports that north korean leader kim jong un is in bad shape health-wise. he is reported to be in "grave danger" after complications following a heart procedure. but because everything with him is very secretive, no one knows for sure. one of the reasons they suspect kim jong un is not well is because last week, he missed the most important holiday in north korea, a birthday celebration for his late grandfather. and that's especially alarming, because he is not one to miss the chance to eat cake. a south korean news site reported that kim had heart surgery due to complications from "excessive smoking, obesity and overwork." see, that's why our president doesn't smoke and never works. he's smart. maybe kim jong un just got tired of the whole evil dictator thing, and decided to start a new life. he's gonna turn up 30 years from now running a bed and breakfast in vermont. and, of course, this has to be especially scary for president
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trump. kim jong un is probably his best friend. you know, they met many years ago at chubby dictator camp. trump was up bright and early this morning to remind us that there is an "i" in pandemic. and he's it. he tweeted "i've had great "ratings" my whole life, there's nothing unusual about that for me. the white house news conference ratings are "through the roof," monday night football, bachelor, but i don't care about that. i care about going around the fake news to the people!" right. only donald trump would say he doesn't care about ratings, while bragging about his ratings. but it wasn't all lashing out. in fairness, trump did try to lift spirits yesterday. he actually told a pretty funny joke. >> please, go ahead. no, i think right behind you. i promise, i cannot tell a lie, so we'll get to you next, okay? >> jimmy: that's a good one. and guess what? he didn't get her next. he went to someone else. and then, moments later, he lied
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again. >> held rallies in february and march, and there are some -- >> i don't know about rallies, i really don't know about rallies. i haven't left the white house in months, except for a brief moment to give a wonderful ship "the comfort." >> you held a rally in march. >> did i hold a rally? >> jimmy: did i hold a rally in an enclosed space, even though i now claim to have known it was dangerous? yes! do i have an advent calendar counting down the days until i can hold my next one? you bet your dirty mask i do! he held rallies in february and march, and he left the white house four times in march, including a trip to mar a lago. mar a lago, by the way, laid off 153 workers today. in addition to the 560 laid off at trump's miami resort. maybe this is why he is so anxious to open for business again. he is getting hurt. this gives you a sense of how things are going at the white house. the president's own coronavirus task force, members of his own
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team, are reported to be actively ignoring him. they say the vice poodle, mike pence, won't even sniff his butt. which, i don't know, that doesn't make any sense to me. why would they ignore a president who has so many great ideas? remember when he wanted to nuke the hurricane? you probably think i'm joking, but go ahead and google that. i have a lot of questions about the president's task force and the mixed messages we've been getting about staying home, so we reached out to the white house and believe it or not, they connected us with the chief medical advisor to the white house coronavirus response team, i am honored to welcome dr. anthony fauci. hello doctor, dr. fauci? dr. fauci? >> hello, hello? can you hear me on this? hello? >> jimmy: yes, we can hear you, but i thought i was speaking to dr. fauci. >> dr. fauci isn't with us any longer. >> jimmy: what? why? >> the president respects
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disagreement. and he respects dr. fauci so much that he's been sent to a big farm upstate where he can run around a field all day with other doctors. i'm the new leader of the task force. >> jimmy: and you are? >> dr. solomon zaius. >> jimmy: as in dr. zaius, the diabolical minister of science from "planet of the apes?" >> i've done other movies too. >> jimmy: ok, well dr. zaius -- wait, what other movies have you done? >> i was in "jumanji." maybe you've heard of it. >> jimmy: okay. anyway dr. zaius, if you don't mind me asking, how did you get this job? >> family connection. the president's mother. mary was my nana's sister. >> jimmy: so your mother was his mother's sister. but you are an --
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>> orangutan? yes. >> jimmy: wait, so that means donald trump is -- >> half. he's only half orangutan. of course he is. no human could have fantastic orange hair like that. >> jimmy: that explains a lot. so, doctor, since you are now the guy, what are your suggestions for stopping this covid-19? >> first of all, for humans, this is very important. you must wear a mask. >> jimmy: you find masks are most effective against spreading the virus? >> no, but they are very effective in covering up your ugly faces. you tee'd me up for that one jim! but seriously, your face is disgusting. >> jimmy: thank you. joking aside, i think what we really want to know is, how long before we can leave our homes?
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>> why? so you can once again befoul the environment with your fossil fuels? destroy the forests with your insatiable greed? contaminate the oceans with heaps of plastic detritus and make war over imbecilic differences of religion and race? >> jimmy: yes. >> i'd say three to six months. >> jimmy: oh, great. anything else you would like to share? >> yes, this is important. no more masturbating in public! >> jimmy: we don't really -- that's more of an ape thing. that's not really something humans do. >> you don't? >> jimmy: no. >> well, you're missing out. >> jimmy: all right, well that's the new head of something. i don't know. when we come back we'll be joined by tom holland.
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>> wash your hands, you damn dirty human! ♪ ♪ (vo) thank you to all the front line heroes for leading this fight. for early mornings, late nights, double shifts, and overnights, for calloused hands and skin scrubbed raw. and for being brave enough to go to work today. thank you, from all of us cheering you on. [overlapping applause and cheers] this is gonna be america's favorite breakfast. they just don't know it yet. (ding) these are a few of my favorite things. you order a breakfast sandwich and that's when wendy's makes it. not weeks... or months ago. try your new favorite. order by 10 and we'll even deliver it.
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>> jimmy: you're very big. you're gettin' big! >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house. a quick note, tomorrow night in primetime, i am hosting a new episode of "who wants to be a millionaire" featuring anthony anderson and jane fonda playing for their favorite charities. watch that at 10/9 central here on abc. on this show tomorrow, i will be chatting with the mighty thor chris hemsworth all the way from the land down under. and on thursday, my guests will be arnold schwarzenegger and ed norton. the terminator and the hulk. our guest tonight is a super-talented super hero, who
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by day helps run his family charitable foundation, the brothers trust. he is social distancing all the way from a place called england. please say hello to tom holland. hi, tom. >> hey, how you doin', jimmy. nice to see you, mate. >> jimmy: thanks for doing this. tell us about your living situation right now. >> i am in london, i'm living with all my pals. normally when we do your show we do a live audience. we couldn't obviously have a live audience now online. i actually have my own live audience. [ laughter ] >> so the laugh track will be provided by harrison. >> jimmy: they've been with you how long? >> harrison and i have lived together maybe four years. >> jimmy: i mean as far as -- >> oh, the quarantine. we've been on lockdown in london for about a month, yeah.
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>> jimmy: how are you getting along? are there any issues that need to be worked out? >> not really, because we're all drunk all the time, so, not really. no. >> jimmy: that helps. >> we're lucky enough. we can't really complain. we have a lovely outdoor space. and the weather in london's been really nice. we're all good. we can't complain. >> jimmy: are you getting things done at all? is it productive? >> i mean, it's been a little bit productive. harry and i have been working on the script we've been working on together, we sent that out yesterday to the first bunch of producers, which is actually more nerve-wracking than anything i've ever done in my career, because i'm worried that they're going to actually find out that i'm stupid and i can't spell anything. but we've been doing that, playing a lot of playstation and watching a lot of films and catching up on film history, and like i said, drinking a lot. i actually said this weekend i
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was going to stop drinking for a week, i was going to have a week off. and literally monday morning, i've got my prop. ryan reynolds sent me a case of gin. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> i was like i'm not drinking the whole week, and the door bell rang and there was a case. >> jimmy: that's deadpool trying to corrupt spiderman. >> it says here on the box. it says friendly neighborhood spider gin. love ryan. >> jimmy: if i'm wrong, correct me, but i believe you were supposed to start shooting "spiderman" in july. is that still the plan? >> i'm not too sure. i'm not too sure. i was in berlin making a film called "uncharted" with mark wahlberg. and we were all ready to go. we got set for day one shooting. we got shut down and sent home. whether we shoot that movie first or "spiderman" first, i'm unclear.
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but i don't know. but both movies are being made and they're both really strong and whatever happens, happens. i've played spiderman, i'm ready to go. >> jimmy: i'm speaking with thor tomorrow, and i was wondering if you've been video chatting with your fellow avengers. >> i spoke to jake gyllenhaal the other day. we were chatting about doing a peloton class together. but we've also been doing these pub quizzes, these massive pub quizzes. we've done one with a cherry crew. and the rooster brothers have been involved. the winner has to design the quiz for the following week. i by some miracle won last week and had to do it this week. but the problem with the quiz is you need to know the answers to the questions you're asking people. >> jimmy: right. >> and if you don't that doesn't really work.
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i got the answers wrong that i thought were right. so i was asking people questions and the answer is so-and-so, and people were like, no. one of them was who was the second president. and i'm a really big fan of "hamilton", but not that big of a fan obviously. i thought thomas jefferson was the second president, and that wasn't true at all. so i looked like a complete idiot. i face timed downey a couple days ago, and he was in the bath. >> jimmy: how romantic. you were going to do this quiz as part of your charitable foundation your family has put together. that's your goal is to make it a big online quiz to raise money? >> brothers trust is a fund raiser we use to feed towards charities we think need the light and support.
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but we felt uncomfortable asking people for money at this time. so we as a collective are doing the donations. the reason we're doing the pub quiz is to bring people together and have a laugh, that's essentially what we're trying to do. >> jimmy: you can go to brotherstrust.org to learn more about that. speaking of uncomfortable, i have a favor to ask of you. my son billy turns 3 years old today. >> okay. >> jimmy: we watch both of your spiderman movies over and over again. and we promised him the real spiderman was going to come to his party. we were going to hire a guy in a suit. but now nobody's coming to his party. i was wondering if you'd say hello to him. i can't guarantee it's going to register. would you mind? >> absolutely. no trouble at all of put him on. >> jimmy: we'll take a break and tom holland is with us. we'll surprise my son billy, too. ♪
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i do motivational speakingld. in addition to the substitute teaching. i honestly feel that that's my calling-- to give back to younger people. i think most adults will start realizing that they don't recall things as quickly as they used to or they don't remember things as vividly as they once did. i've been taking prevagen for about three years now. people say to me periodically, "man, you've got a memory like an elephant." it's really, really helped me tremendously.
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prevagen. healthier brain. better life. ♪ ♪ ♪
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and healthcare troops weand first responders are. on the front line fighting it every day. let's join the fight, by staying home. staying home is not a retreat, it's the most brave and aggressive weapon we have against this enemy. because when we do stay at home, we help prevent overwhelming our hospitals, while buying time for scientists to find the vaccine... and that's how we beat it.... ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house. these are my kids, jane and billy. billy, is this your birthday? >> spidey. >> jimmy: this is spiderman, how old are you, spidey? >> 20. >> jimmy: you're not 20.
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who did we say was going to come to your birthday party? >> spidey. >> jimmy: the real spiderman? >> yeah. >> i want you to say hi to somebody. >> hi. >> jimmy: does that guy look familiar to you? >> hey, what's up, billy? >> jimmy: is that spidey? >> let me take this off so i can see you better. hey, billy, how you doin'? >> jimmy: wow, can you believe me? >> my name's peter parker, i live in queens, new york. where do you live, you know? >> we live in california. >> jimmy: jane, what did you say about peter parker's face? >> cute. >> jimmy: she said you have a cute face. >> thank you so much. i appreciate that. that's very kind of you. >> jimmy: are you mad at me for
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saying that? but he likes it. it's nice. we were about to sing happy birthday to billy. are you going to help us with that? >> mm-hm. >> jimmy: shall we do that? ♪ happy birthday to you ♪ happy birthday to you ♪ happy birthday, dear billy ♪ happy birthday to you >>jimmy: thank you, spiderman! you're the best. i appreciate it. [ applause ] >> happy birthday, billy. >> jimmy: say thanks to spiderman. >> thanks, spiderman! >> you're welcome, see you next time guys, bye, bye, bye. >> jimmy: we'll be right back. ♪ chicago! "ok, so, magnificent mile for me!" i thought i was managing... ...my moderate to severe crohn's disease. yes! until i realized something was missing... ...me. you ok, sis? my symptoms kept me- -from being there for my sisters.
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"...flight boarding for flight 2007 to chicago..." so i talked to my doctor and learned- ...humira is for people who still have symptoms of crohn's disease after trying other medications. and the majority of people on humira saw significant symptom relief... -and many achieved remission in as little as 4 weeks. humira can lower your ability to fight infections. serious and sometimes fatal infections, including tuberculosis, and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened,- -, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. tell your doctor... ...if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections... ...or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. be there for you, and them. ask your doctor about humira. with humira, remission is possible. if you can't afford your medicine, abbvie may be able to help.
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♪ >> jimmy: all right, that's all
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the time we have, we have a birthday party to have, right, billy? thanks to jane and billy, thanks to tom holland. tomorrow night, chris hemsworth. thanks for watching, "nightline" is next. >> we talked to peter parker! >> jimmy: you did. >> yeah. ♪ >> jimmy: isn't that awesome? >> that was awesome! to improve social distancing san francisco wants to close 12 different street corridors to through traffic. why it could mark long lasting change for city planner. >> healthcare workers facing cuts it hours and pay. one nurse shares fear and frustration. >> grocery store workers are begging for your help. what they're looking for.
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tomorrow governor newsom is expected to give an update on when california can reopen the economy. and begin to ease shelter in place restrictions. he would provide a time line and discuss testing and contact tracing. >> progress is being made. you are flattening the curve. it is still non-the less rising. > some of the strongest protections in the country for essential workers. to provide protective equipment to workers or reimburse they will for the cost. >> closing streets to traffic to give people room to maintain social distancing while out walking, jogging or biking. local traffic is allowed.

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