thank you soft for j ♪ pa-da-pa, pa-da-pa, pa, , , , pa-da-pa ♪ ♪ jimmy kimmel live >> from his house! >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy. welcome to my home. hard to believe it's already halloween, isn't it? i hope you had a good weekend. let me guess, you baked bread and watched the michael jordan documentary? i'm actually feeling great today. this morning i woke up, i rolled up my sleeves, i injected a big syringe of formula 409 into my arm and i am now coronavirus-free. the tide pods appear to be turning against president wackadoodle. dr. donald jingleheimer trump spent the weekend trying to pretend he wasn't really suggesting that maybe we should inject disinfectants into our bodies.

he claimed he was being sarcastic with reporters, which was a lie, but i shouldn't say that. i'll let you be the judge of whether it was a lie or not. does this seem, in any way, like he was being sarcastic to you? >> and i think you said you're going to test that, too? sounds interesting. and then i see the disinfectant which knocks it out in a minute. one minute. and is there a way we can do something like that? by injection inside or almost a cleaning because you see it gets in the lungs and it does a tremendous number on the lungs. so it will be interesting to check that. you're going to have to use medical doctors. >> jimmy: right, right. medical doctors. those are the ones with the circle things on their heads, right? can we claim we were being sarcastic when we elected him president? after this little nugget of nuts, trump's own environmental protection agency quickly posted guidelines for using disinfectants that included the phrase "do not ingest disinfectant products."

unfortunately, many of those who support donald trump are perfectly happy to ingest disinfectant products if the president tells them to do it. the illinois department of health reported a spike in calls to poison control from people who had ingested bleach and other cleaning products. maryland governor larry hogan said that after trump spoke his state saw hundreds of calls to their emergency hotline asking if it was right to ingest clorox or alcohol cleaning products. even the company that makes lysol put out a statement. they wrote -- "as a global leader in health and hygiene products, we must be clear that under no circumstance should our disinfectant products be administered into the human body." whatever. lysol, you're fake news. the word "lie" is right in your name. why should we listen to you? we've got a president -- i think this might be the first president ever to embarrass a cleaning product. so then usually when a human being says something that is dangerous and dumb and gets a ton of backlash for it they

either apologize or at the very least reel it in. but when you're donald trump, you don't do that. you just keep talking and talking and try to bury it all under a mountain of nonsense. >> if light, if sun, sun itself, the sun has a tremendous impact on it. sun and heat. and humidity. will wipe it out. it doesn't live well with sun. sunlight. heat. doesn't live well in heat and sun and disinfectant. the disinfectant has an unbelievable -- wipes it out. i do think that disinfectant on the hands could have a very good effect. >> jimmy: i agree. i think it could. this is what happens when you mix adderall with geritol. it would appear that the president is extra sensitive about his job performance right now. there was a story in "the new york times" that said he has been watching a ton of tv and eating fast food. so of course he saw that story and yesterday he tweeted "i work from early in the morning until late at night. haven't left the white house in many months (except to launch hospital ship comfort)."

yeah. we know. you haven't left the house in months. no one has left the house in months. and also, you did leave the house. you had a rally in march and you went to mar-a-lago. but back to your twitter tantrum. "and then i read a phony story in the failing 'new york times' about my work schedule and eating habits, written by a third rate reporter who knows nothing about me. i will often be in the oval office late into the night and read and see that i am angrily eating a hamburger and diet coke in my bedroom. people with me are always stunned. anything to demean!" and yes, he misspelled "hamburger" again. you'd think that would be the one word he'd know. but his new chief of staff, this lucky fellow named mark meadows, ran to the "new york post" to tell them that trump is so busy working we often misses lunch. well, not according to his pants, he doesn't. if trump misses lunch it's only because he's still eating breakfast. and maybe the most interesting detail of the story in the "times" is after he does one of

these marathon briefings he goes upstairs and watches them on tv to review his performance with his staff. and i'll bet he gets very good marks. "great job again mr president! that thing about putting wiper fluid in your veins? brilliant!" and by the way, this fit he had on twitter happened on his wife's 50th birthday. it was melania's 50th birthday. and no, it would seem that her birthday wish did not come true. she's still there. after that disastrous briefing, the white house canceled the briefings for saturday, today and yesterday. there was talk they'd try to limit the president's face time going forward. but of course trump got wind of that, of people saying he'd been muzzled, and rescheduled his event for today. and he also had a televised meeting with leaders of industry today. even though the president is taking a lot of heat right now, he seems to be in top form.

>> jimmy: what? can we have another look at that? >> [ mumbling ]. >> jimmy: it would appear the windex has penetrated his brain. i really cannot fathom how anyone could watch this man and say yes, that is the leader we need. a lot of times people say what would be the reaction if obama spoke like trump? so we decided to try that out. this is what it would be like if obama spoke like this. >> then i see the disinfectant which knocks it out in a minute. one minute. and is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside or almost a cleaning? because you see -- >> you're the president and people want to get information and guidance and want to know what to do -- >> i'm the president and you're fake news. >> jimmy: right. well, we have a good show for you tonight. elizabeth banks is with us. and when we come back, we're going to honor our health care

hero of the week with help from a music superstar. so stick around. ♪ ♪ >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live." brought to you by petsmart. everything your pet needs... delivered directly to your door. or save 10% when you buy online and pick up in store... now with curbside pickup. shop petsmart.com or download our mobile app today. petsmart with everything going on, i have always wanted to be a teacher. we've had to alter our classroom settings. we have to transition into virtual learning to make sure that the education is continuing. (vo) verizon and "the new york times" are offering 14 million students free digital access

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♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house. elizabeth banks is on the way. on the schedule for this week, jim parsons, anthony anderson, and mandy moore. but first it's time to name our health care hero of the week. he is an emergency and trauma nurse from jacoby medical center in the bronx, new york. say hello to t.j. riley. hi, t.j. >> hi, jimmy. how's it going?

i'm very excited to meet you. >> jimmy: i'm excited to meet you too. and i thank you for what you're doing there. i imagine in the emergency room in the bronx things are already pleat crazy, yeah? >> it's very crazy. on a usual day we may see a beenshot wound, a stab wound, a machete wound. all types of things. if you can think it i've probably seen it. >> jimmy: have the machete wounds, have those gone down at least during this time? >> everything has gone down. so like the traumas have gone down a lot. so even the surgeons in the hospital, they're treating covid virus. >> jimmy: isn't that interesting? so how many of your workers are -- is the whole hospital really focused on coronavirus right now? >> everything we're trying to focus -- the whole hospital's focused on coronavirus. you know, everything, all the units we have, they're all pretty much covid-19 units. so everything is just -- >> jimmy: and this i find shocking. i know the answer. but how many of your co-workers have contracted the virus?

>> about 60%. >> jimmy: 60%? >> 60. >> jimmy: you were the first one? >> yeah. >> jimmy: how were your symptoms? was it difficult? >> so yeah. so i had a fever for 12 days, nausea, dizziness. it was pretty crazy. >> jimmy: when a nurse gets coronavirus, who takes care of you? >> so my husband, fred, took care of me. he was very good. my parents, they drove from staten island to long island to deliver me groceries. they were very nice to me. >> jimmy: wow. you know they love you if they'll drive from staten island to long island. that is true love. and your parents contracted the virus as well. your husband contracted the virus. is everyone okay now? >> yeah. everyone's good. so we all got through it with no problem. >> jimmy: so we did a little bit of research on you. and we looked into some of your likes. and i know you're a music fan.

>> yes. jrp >> jimmy: i'd like to introduce you to somebody, t.j. his name is dave. dave, say hello to t.j. >> [ bleep ]! dave! i'm a huge fan. huge fan. my friend will be so jealous. huge! >> how are you doing? how are you? >> i'm going a little out of my mind currently now. i feel like i'm having a coronavirus dream. this is crazy. >> jimmy: dave, you gave him a relapse. >> that's the effect i have on most people, i think. yeah. >> jimmy: we both very much appreciate what you're doing there, t.j. so our friends at life is good apparel company want to send you $10,000 to spend however you like. they have a new live of merchandise called tees for the

times to help spread optimism during this time. and they're going to send gift packages to each of the nurses in your department to thank and honor them too. >> that's amazing. thank you. >> jimmy: and dave, do you have anything you'd like to share with t.j. right now? >> hmm. let me see. i just happen to have a guitar in my lab. >> jimmy: oh. >> maybe i'll play a little song. >> yes! do it. >> jimmy: that would be terrific. >> this one's for you, t.j. ♪ ♪ everlong ♪ i've waited here for you ♪ everlong ♪ tonight

♪ i throw myself in two ♪ out of the red ♪ out of her head she sang ♪ doo, doo, doo, doo ♪ doo, doo, doo, doo ♪ doo, doo, doo ♪ come down and waste away with me ♪ ♪ down with me ♪ slow, how you you wanted it to be ♪ ♪ i'm over my head ♪ out of her head she sang ♪ and i wonder ♪ when i sing along with you ♪ if everything could ever feel this real forever ♪

♪ if anything could ever be this good again ♪ ♪ the only thing i'll ever ask of you ♪ ♪ you've got to promise not to stop when i say when ♪ ♪ she sang [ applause ] >> that was awesome. like in the video. >> jimmy: dave grohl, you're the best. thank you so much, dave. you are the best. >> thanks to both of you. i'd like to really, t.j., thank you so much for everything that you've done for so many people. it's much appreciated. and jimmy, thanks for honoring such brilliant people for doing the right thing. >> jimmy: and thank you for fighting foo all the time. dave grohl. and t.j., thank you so much. be safe, t.j. take care.

>> i will. >> jimmy: keep doing the great work. >> thanks, t.j. ♪ (vo) thank you to all the front line heroes for leading this fight. thanks for allowing us to stay home. thanks for being superhuman. for making a difference. for early mornings, late nights, double shifts, and overnights. for calloused hands and skin scrubbed raw. for taking care of our families when you can't be with yours. and for being brave enough to go to work today. thank you, from all of us cheering you on. [overlapping applause and cheers]

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there are times when our need to connect really matters.

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we're -- you know, i'm as grateful as i can be to have my kids to focus on and of course worried for everyone all the time. anxiety at like level, i don't know, 11. >> jimmy: are you hoarding anything? be honest. >> we did -- we stocked up on a few things early. my husband is the one who really panicked at the top of this whole thing. and my husband, he has never really done the shopping for the family. and he went online thinking he was doing us a grand favor. and the only thing that got delivered to the house was like an industrial-sized box of ramen noodles. i brought it to show you. because part of the issue with the ramen is our favorite

flavor. i can't believe this was in stock, jimmy. chipotle chicken, which is truly the more disgusting version of ramen you can get. i love a ramen noodle as much as anyone. but this is a real experiment gone wrong in our home. it's taking up so much room. >> jimmy: maybe he's thinking about going back to college and moving tone a dorm. i don't know what's going on there. >> i just love that that was where his brain went, thinking exactly that. like what can we have that we can subsist on? and i thought we're going to do this to our children? >> jimmy: well, that's a worst case scenario type of meal. your children are what? what grades? >> 7 -- i have a first-grader and a third-grader. 7 and 9. they love spicy chicken chipotle. >> jimmy: have you been helping them with their home schooling? >> yeah. i mean, it's sort of what we're all doing now.

i do want to take the opportunity to say thank you to all of the teachers out there and all of the parents who are teaching because i have really come to the realization that especially third grade math is nearly impossible to teach. you have to have a lot of patience. >> jimmy: i'm glad you brought that up because i've got some questions from a real teacher from the lausd. gave me some first and third-grade questions. okay? >> oh, boy. >> jimmy: how many syllables are in the word rhinoceros? >> rhinoceros. rhinoceros. four? >> jimmy: four is correct. which of the following numbers is not a multiple of seven? 28, 42, 57, 63. >> 57? >> jimmy: that's correct. one more. which three-dimensional shape has six square faces?

>> i don't even know what the words you just said in that order mean. >> jimmy: which three-dimensional shape has six square faces? >> it's got to be a cube if you -- >> jimmy: it is. congratulations. you passed the third grade. >> barely. >> jimmy: tell us a little bit about this miniseries you've got going on on hulu. >> "mrs. america." fx on hulu. it stars cate blanchett as phyllis schlafly who was a big leader in the conservative right movement in the '70s. she moved against the women's rights movement. we were trying to pass the e.r.a. and she brought together some housewives and really sort of put together a coalition that still exists today. and the e.r.a. never came to pass. >> jimmy: she would not like the charity you selected tonight, would she, elizabeth? >> no.

it's literally why i selected this charity. >> jimmy: the center for reproductive rights is your charity. tell us a bit about that. >> the center for reproductive rights, they fight all the court battles to keep abortion safe and legal in america. so abortions are a constitutionally protected right, and right now -- i mean, i personally think that the government shouldn't be involved in deciding how many people are in your family at any time but especially now when people are facing such unstable and oongzite-roongz i anxiety-ridden times. think it's important everyone have access to whatever health care they need. and the center fights to keep those clinics open in states all across america. >> jimmy: well, thank you, elizabeth. it is great to see your face. i appreciate you taking a minute out of your i'm sure very busy day of eating ramen to chat. so elizabeth banks. we'll be right back.

>> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by slim jim. snap into a slim jim. oh, yeah. ♪ it's interesting what happens when you treat every little piece of a thing. like it's not just one thing. but everything. because when each part does everything better than ever. imagine what you can do with the sum of those parts. the new dell xps (10th gen intel bong)

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>> jimmy: that's all the time we have tonight. i want to i want to thank dave grohl. thanks to our pal t.j. apologies to matt damon. he knows what he did. we'll be back tomorrow with jim parsons. "nightline" is next. and in the immortal words of edward r. murrow, "good night and good luck finding toilet paper."

♪ >> announcer: this is "nightline." tonight -- back to business in georgia. lunchtime and crunch time in the age of covid-19. reopening at a social distance and in search of pandemic relief despite warnings. >> i don't think we should be reopening the economy yet. i think it's going to cost more lives than it saves. >> a delicate dance of difficult decisions. now stepping into a new normal. is this the way forward or a step back? plus, final moments. health care heroes caring for dying patients. as families are forced to keep their distance. holding hands and hearts. >> they can't be with them. they can't comfort them. they can't say good-bye to them. an