we are now a month and a half into quarantine. and i've noticed, maybe you've noticed, there are a few phrases i've been hearing a lot. maybe too much. the first one is "how you holding up?" i don't know -- like this? i'm not. the better question would be "are you gradually falling apart?" another one is "stay healthy." everyone says stay healthy. it's nice, it's a nice thought, but what happens if i don't? then do you say "i told you to stay healthy!" and this is the worst one, "the new normal." stop saying that. this is not the new normal. the president wants us to gargle lysol and we have to wear a scuba mask at trader joe's. it might be new, but there is nothing normal about it. here is something i never thought anyone would ever have to worry about. it's hard to believe, but this thing with trump and the swallow your sanitizers comment is still causing trouble. so much so, that trump's own fda is asking big corporations to change their ingredients. >> an effort is under way to

make hand sanitizers taste worse. today the fda was ask being companies to make it taste bitter. so that children and adults won't drink it. >> jimmy: who would even think to drink it? you would have to be very thirsty to wash a couple of tide pods down with that. but calls to poison control about this have spiked dramatically. maybe people just need something to do. a lot of people are out of work. in every state. the governor of kentucky, andy beshear, has been giving regular updates to his constituents. on television. on monday, he addressed unemployment claims in his state, and some of the issues they've been facing related to those claims. >> i understand unfortunately, it's going to take a little bit of time because a couple of bad apples can make this challenge that much more difficult. for instance, we had somebody apply for unemployment for tupac shakur here in kentucky. >> jimmy: of course, tupac is

filing for unemployment, he hasn't put out an album in years. two things we learned this week, ufo's are real and tupac is alive. but then, the next day, the governor after getting some unexpected information went back on tv to apologize. >> i owe somebody an apology tonight. last night i spent an a little bit of time talking about fraudulent claims holding us up and mentioned an individual that filed in the name of tupac shakur. i didn't know. and it's my fault that we have a kentuckian who goes by malik whose name is tupac shakur. >> jimmy: and he is about to write one hell of a diss track about me. by the way, shout out to the sign language interpreter, who knew how to sign "tupac shakur." west coast. meanwhile, here in california, no doubt about it, our governor, gavin newsom unveiled a four part plan for re-opening the state.

we are now in phase one, which is stay home and cry a lot. but the plan is to gradually get things up and running. starting with the most essential, and lowest-risk jobs and then eventually getting to porn. it's important for our states to get it right, because if they don't, we may be in for another round of this. dr. fauci said that if states lift their stay at home orders too soon, we could be "right back in the same boat we were in a few weeks ago." and that boat, by the way, is a diamond princess cruise ship. i think maybe dr. fauci is just saying we need to stay at home so brad pitt will keep playing him for another six months. meanwhile, team trump is busy declaring victory. the president's pretty little son-in-law was on "fox and friends" this morning. he said the federal government "rose to the challenge" and that "this is a great success story." and irony is now as dead as his eyes. but that was not the craziest thing he said. please watch this carefully, because i find this to be fascinating. >> well, i think what we've seen with the pandemic that's

approached, there's been a lot of unforeseen challenges that we've worked hard through. this is just one of the many challenges. the team was on it. president trump was working on it over the weekend with the secretary of agriculture. and he took steps to make sure the americans will have all the food supply that they need. >> jimmy: okay, did you get that? >> to make sure that the americans will have all the food supply they need. let's see that again. >> to make sure that the americans will have all the food supply that they will need. >> jimmy: the americans will have all the food supply they need. if we are "they," what are you? it? i think we may have just found proof that jared is a robot. and here's more proof, somehow, the ivanka 3000 seemed to know in advance that we would be goofing on him. >> and, again, the goal here is to get people back to work. the eternal lockdown crowd can make jokes. on late night television.

but the reality is the data is on our side. >> jimmy: the data is what keeps me alive. i love the idea that he's watching to see if we make jokes about him. jared, in case you are, here are a few. i think you will like. jared kushner is so dead inside, the president calls him "melania." jared kushner looks like if white privilege had a baby with raw cookie dough. jared kushner looks like a pez dispenser of young sheldon. even jared from subway is like, this jared gives me the creeps. what was i talking about? oh, yes, the virus. the idea that jared thinks things are going great is nuts. this virus has now killed more americans than the vietnam war. and donald trump has the distinction of not helping much with either. but trump, for once, was not the dope of the day today. that honor went to mike pence, who is usually such a good boy, but has had to defend himself because he opted not to wear a mask to the mayo clinic. >> since i don't have the coronavirus, i thought it would be a good opportunity to be here, to speak to these

incredible personnel and look them in the eye and say thank you. >> jimmy: he didn't want to wear a mask, because he wanted to look them in the eye and say thank you. what kind of a mask was he planning to wear? spider man? it's a respiratory mask. it's not supposed to go over your eyes. it goes over your nose and mouth. and, of course, the real reason he didn't wear a mask is because his boss won't wear a mask. and mike pence is nothing if not deferential. he's not allowed to take credit for anything, so everything he does, he never neglects to mention, is "at the direction" of the president. >> at the president's direction, this is one team today at the president's direction. we hosted a conference call. at the president's direction, we've been working tirelessly. >> jimmy: there are dozens of examples of that. and they're even funnier if you remove the letter "d." >> today at the president's erection. at the erection. at this president's erection. at this president's erection.

at the president's erection. at the president's erection. at this president's erection. at the president's erection. at the president's erection. >> it is so big. it is so enormous. >> jimmy: i think i need to get out of the house. we have a good show for you tonight. i will play another round of "who wants to be a millionaire," with my five-year-old daughter and three-year-old son. and we'll be right back with anthony anderson. ♪ >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by the sam supg sung galaxy. ♪ life is too far to walk alone. ♪ ♪ you can't do it on your own ♪ ♪ but time will show ♪ and don't you know how bad we need each other? ♪ ♪ you know what i'm saying? ♪ hmmm...mmm...mmmm...mmmm

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can live with them as long as they want. according to the census: it doesn't matter if you're related or not, everyone living in your home on april 1st counts. because this count helps inform funding on how billions get spent every year. and where there are more people, there are more needs. complete the census online, by phone, or by mail.

shape your future. start here at 2020census.gov ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house. quick programming note, tomorrow night in primetime here on abc, i am hosting a new episode of "who wants to be a millionaire" on its new night and time, thursdays at 8/7 central.

later on, i will play a round of "millionaire" with my kids. but first, a gentleman who is a contestant on "millionaire" tomorrow night. you can watch the season finale of his great show "black-ish" next tuesday night. please welcome anthony anderson. hello, anthony. >> hey, what's going on, jimmy? >> jimmy: you're very scruffy. you've got almost a mr. t-length beard going there, huh? >> it's growing, and i'm wearing my swashbuckler shirt, we're reenacting scenes from our favorite movie. i'm black beard in "pirates of the caribbean". >> jimmy: is that what you're doing? >> that's what i'm doing, baby. coming to a screen near you. this is my creative mind working at home. >> jimmy: who are the other characters? >> it's all just castaways. it's all about me, really. >> jimmy: who's with you right now? who's in the house?

>> my wife alvena and my sister in law and niece. the children are off in their own homes. >> jimmy: they opted to stay in their own places. >> if i were them, so would i. >> jimmy: your mother is not with you, your mother whom we see often on television. >> she's not with me today, jimmy, but i have been seeing her, lately. >> jimmy: oh? >> we actually shot one of our t-mobile commercials during quarantine in my house. >> jimmy: oh, you did? >> yeah, we did. our latest one promoting qwibby. my mom wanted an entourage. and a driver. i'm like, get in the car, drive to my home. you're 67 years old and a type two diabetic.

you have a pre-existing condition. less is more. she's like, all right, all right, i'll come. she showed up to my house with a 75-year-old senior citizen who lives in her complex. >> jimmy: what? is this someone you knew? >> i have no idea who this old lady was. >> jimmy: is that old lady still in the house? have you done a search? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what? >> no, she got out of here. i quarantined her in a section of the house that only the dogs go to. so she had to stay there. my mom and i shot, shot the commercial in the living room and on our deck, and then they promptly went home. >> jimmy: so your mother, i don't think, is taking this particularly seriously, this whole stay-at-home order. >> no, actually, she is, jimmy. she is. and it's driving her nuts. because the one thing that she devotes her life to she can't do. all the bingo halls are closed. so she doesn't know what the

hell she's doing with her time now. >> jimmy: they have to have some kind of online bingo i would imagine. do they do that? do they get online? >> it's not the same with a dauber and a smoke-filled room with 500 people. it's not the same. >> jimmy: i don't know if you know this, but the cast of classic movies and tv shows have been getting together for these virtual reunions to make people feel good. josh gad did one with the cast of the "goonies", and a lot of people loved it. of all the movies you've been in, which one are you most proud of, would you say? >> that's a tough question, jimmy. there's "the departed." "romeo must die." "me, myself and irene." "life." "kangaroo jack." >> jimmy: did i hear you say "kangaroo jack"? >> i did.

>> jimmy: i have a surprise. your co-star from "kangaroo jack", mr. o'connell for a "kangaroo jack" reunion. america's been clamoring for. >> what's up, jerry o? >> it feels so great, you know what? i'm going to go full pants, fellas. >> yeah. >> i love you, baby. >> jimmy: you live on the edge. jerry, what are you doing? are you robbing a train? what's happening? >> no, this is my covid look. this is my covid couture look. i did have to come to the end of my driveway. my dopey children will not get off that tik tok even though i am on jkl reuniting with my buddy from the best movie ever made. >> how much did jerry bruckheimer pay you if that is the end of your driveway?

because i didn't get paid like that. >> it's not, it's actually like a park area, but it's like,ly to come to where the cell service the best. i'm right under a 5g tower, i hope everything is okay. >> yeah, make me feel good about myself. >> jimmy: i have a surprise for both of you. stay hello to the star of the show, kevin, the kangaroo. how are you? say hello to jerry and anthony. >> jackie legs! >> jimmy: what a warm feeling. >> where's my money! >> that kangaroo used to come out and party with us. i don't know what happened. >> jimmy: oh, look at that. a memento. ♪ ♪ to the rhythm >> jimmy: what a reunion this is, the "kangaroo jack" reunion.

thank you, jerry, thank you kevin the kangaroo. this is a huge moment i'm sure will be hugely viral. and anthony, you're welcome. you're welcome to america for putting that all together. that took a lot of coordination. thanks, jerry. >> i love you guys. >> jimmy: we pick a charity every night. >> it was started by a woman named athena hailey to help the homeless in los angeles. and it's not just an organization where people can go get food and clothes. it helps keep their pride and dignity while getting assistance and being reintroduced into the real world again. >> jimmy: go to lovemyneighborfoundation.com to learn more. anthony anderson, jerry o'donnell, thank you. we'll be right back to play "who wants to be a millionaire" with my kids! ♪ >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" were brought to you by slim-jim.

snap into a slim-jim. oh, yeah! ♪ employees, and communities safe. our customers, during these uncertain times we want you to get great service without leaving the safety of your home. shop at sprint.com for free next day shipping and no activation fees on our best new phone deals, like a samsung galaxy phone for just $0 a month. plus, you'll also get a $100 prepaid mastercard when you switch online. stay healthy and visit sprint.com to get the services you need. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com people at higher risk must take extra precautions. you are at higher risk if you are over 65, or if you have an underlying medical condition. please visit coronavirus.gov for more information.

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>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. as you may know, i'm the host of "who wants to be a millionaire." we are moving to thursday nights at 8/7 central starting this thursday night. did you know that, kids? >> what. >> jimmy: never mind. we thought it would be fun to play another round of "who wants to be a millionaire." >> yeah, yeah. yeah. >> jimmy: you love that, don't you jane? >> yeah. >> jimmy: are you ready to play

"who wants to be a millionaire" on swings? >> yeah. >> jimmy: here we go. what should we play for? last time we played for a million pennies. what should we play for this time, a million what? what do you think, jane? >> a million quarters. >> jimmy: a million quarters, are you crazy? i don't have that kind of money. let's play for a million jellybeans, shall we? a million jellybeans. for 10,000 jellybeans, in "frozen 2", what is the name of the village where elsa and anna live, burbank, arondale, ariana grande or funky town? >> arondale. >> jimmy: which planet is the gassiest? >> jupiter! >> jimmy: very good. jane. next question for 40,000

jellybeans. in "james and the giant peach" what are the names of the horrible ants? sponge and sfipiker, cruella an chippy, diamond and silk? >> it's spiker and espionage. correct, jane, very good. you are up 75,000 jellybeans. finish this motto from "paw patrol." let's let billy answer this one. no job too big, no building too tall, no pup too small. no cat too fat, no way jose. billy, which is it? no pup too small is absolutely right, billy, very good! congratulations, guys. the next question is for 150,000 jellybeans. which of the following dinosaurs is a carnivore. stegosaurus, brontosaurus, t-rex or barney! >> t-rex!

>> jimmy: that's right. we are doing great. for 250,000 jellybeans, which of the following words is billy's favorite to say, pizza, naptime, diarrhea or daddy. >> diarrhea! >> jimmy: diarrhea is absolutely right. billy loves diarrhea, right? >> ooh, yucky. >> jimmy: 500,000 jellybeans. jane, you just learned about this. which american artist was famous for splashing paint on canvas? andy warhol, jackson pollock. georgia o'keefe or diarrhea? >> diarrhea! >> jimmy: which is your final answer? >> jackson pollock. >> jimmy: that is correct. very good, jane! for 1 million jellybeans, who in our family toots the most.

a, mommy, b, mommy, c, mommy, or d, mommy! >> daddy! >> jimmy: what? >> daddy! >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. i'm going to have to go to the judges. the judges say you're right, congratulations, guys! you win a million jellybeans, so that's how it goes. who wants to be a millionaire. now in the family hour, 8:00/7:00 central on abc starting this week, we'll be right back. ♪ >> diarrhea! >> yuck! >> diarrhea! diarrhea! >> yuck! >> diarrhea! >> yuck! ♪ ♪ (vo) thank you to all the front line heroes for leading this fight.

thanks for allowing us to stay home. thanks for being superhuman. for making a difference. for early mornings, late nights, double shifts, and overnights. for calloused hands and skin scrubbed raw. for taking care of our families when you can't be with yours. and for being brave enough to go to work today. thank you, from all of us cheering you on. [overlapping applause and cheers]

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>> jimmy: well, that's all the time we have. i want to thank anthony anderson and apologize to matt damon. hey, kids, what do you think of matt damon? >> diarrhea! >> jimmy: diarrhea, that's right. tomorrow night, mandy moore. "nightline's" next, thank you for watching, everybody. here we go, guys, we're going to go high! >> diarrhea! ♪