i don't know about you, but it don't feel like a cinco de mayo to me unless i'm in a tecate tank top getting thrown out of a senor frog's. happy cinco de mayo guillermo. >> guillermo: happy cinco de mayo to everybody! >> jimmy: what do you have planned today? >> guillermo: oh, i'm going to drink tequila and eat tacos, like almost every night. >> jimmy: it's cinco de mayo and taco tuesday. which is like a pinata inside another pinata. be careful, guillermo, we don't want to lose you. el presidente weighed in on cinco today. remember a few years ago, he posted this stupid picture with the message, "happy #cincodemayo! the best taco bowls are made in trump tower grill. i love hispanics!" well, i guess that wasn't embarrassing enough the first time, because today, he posted it again. "remember this? happy cinco de mayo." of course, we remember. how could we forget? that was just before our country started cinco-ing into the abyss.

trump was up very late last night watching tv and rage-tweeting at 12:46 a.m. his mood apparently continued into the afternoon, because today he wrote, "wow! congratulations to greg gutfeld, a one-time trump hater who has come all the way home." his ratings easily beat no talent stephen colbert, nice guy jimmy fallon, and wacko "last placer" jimmy kimmel. wacko "last placer" i hope he wasn't talking about me. i think maybe this was another typo situation. i think what he meant to tweet was, "i am completely devastated by the loss of life caused by this insidious virus. my thoughts are with the families of those who have passed. i pledge to spend every waking moment working to make sure our medical workers have the support they need and every american has access to tests." p.s., congrats to greg gutfeld! that's better, right? he does seem to be familiar with all the late night shows. i've heard that if you snort enough adderall, you can watch

four of them at once. the president took a field trip today to phoenix to visit a honeywell factory where they are manufacturing n95 masks. and the big question was, would he wear a mask at the plant where they make the masks? let's find out. ♪ he did not. and i love that they didn't turn the volume on the guns and roses down even one notch. for the president. i can think of no better metaphor for this presidency than donald trump not wearing a face mask to a face mask factory while the song "live and let die" blares in the background. one of the things we need to save lives and get back to business is testing. widespread testing. testing is how we can make sure it's safe to go to work. and you'd think trump would

agree with that, that seems like a no-brainer. but no-brainers are sometimes hard to get a bead on when you have no brains. >> the anti-body test, you see what's going on with that. that's going to be something that -- look, we have so much testing i don't think you need that much testing, but some people disagree with me and some people agree with me. >> jimmy: right, doctors disagree and crazy people agree. this is a guy, by the way, who has every person who comes into contact with him tested! for us, the testing isn't necessary. the president isn't the only one pushing to get things going. in an interview yesterday, former new jersey governor chris christie said "there are going to be deaths no matter what," so we might as well go back to work. i like the idea that chris christie is telling us what the healthiest thing for our country is. this is a man who doesn't even get his pizza sliced. he eats it round. you ever notice the people saying we need to just accept deaths to save the economy are never talking about their own

deaths? open the outback steakhouse! governor christie needs a bloomin' onion! on a positive note, i want to mention that today is national teacher day, which is part of national teacher appreciation week. and i will say that after almost two months at home with my kids, at our house, every week is now teacher appreciation week. they should also get shark week. they should get all the weeks. children are wonderful to a point, and we're lucky we have teachers to pawn them off on. so with that said, we asked parents to show their gratitude for our nation's educators during this time of crisis and strife on this very special day. >> dear teachers. >> dear teachers. >> thank you. >> thanks for all you do. >> every single day. >> we never fully appreciated you. >> we took you for granted. >> but having our kids at home has taught us. >> beyond a shadow of a doubt. >> that our children. >> our children. >> our sweet, beautiful children. >> are terrible!

>> stubborn. >> selfish. >> impossible monsters. >> who suck our life force. >> begging for snacks like zoo animals. >> all day on tik tok. >> and youtube. >> while i'm printing out 500 worksheets. >> uploading videos to google classrooms. >> and trying to figure out what the hell the water cycle is. >> there's jelly on my laptop. >> thank you, teachers. >> thank you. >> how are you not all alcoholics. >> you deserve more money. >> much more. >> how does the president make more than you do. >> we promise to never. >> ever. >> ever. >> take you for granted again. >> thank you for teaching our terrible toddlers and teenagers. >> for seven magical hours every day. >> dad, where are you? >> shut up, harper! shut up! >> this message is brought to you by trojan, extra thick condoms. next time, double up.

>> jimmy: thank you, teachers for all you do for our kids. now please, come take them back. i have no time to waste, because when we come back, we get a visit from jerry seinfeld. ♪ ♪ >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live, brought to you by command. ♪ (vo) command picture hanging strips hold strong and remove cleanly. command. do. no harm.

switch and get our lowest pricea on unlimited...nt than ever. just 25 dollars. 4 lines of unlimited from metro. 25 dollars each. visit metro for details. her love keeps you centered. show her how much she means to you... with a gift from the center of me collection. happy mother's day from kay. ♪

♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house. my guest tonight is making his first appearance on our show. he is one of my and everyone's favorites. his excellent new stand-up special "jerry seinfeld: 23 hours to kill," comes out on netflix today. please welcome jerry seinfeld. hi, jerry. >> hey, jimmy, how's it going.

>> jimmy: now i feel underdressed. you're the first person who's dressed up on the show from home. >> i am a real, professional comedian, and this is my first time on your show and i thought i needed to dress. >> jimmy: how are you handling your hair? are you letting anyone touch your hair during the pandemic? it looks good. >> i have a clipper, and after the show, i'm going to have my wife clip it down to about a half inch, and that will last me about three months. >> jimmy: you trust her with that duty? >> no, but i'm going to do it anyway. >> jimmy: are you in the office right now or the hallway or where? >> yes, this is my office in long island. >> jimmy: nice, you have records there. do you listen to lps?

>> robert kline, george carlin on the bottom. i set that up just for this. >> jimmy: did you really? >> yeah. sure. >> jimmy: because i, very carefully, picked which cookbooks i will have on my desk so all the chefs watching would know and be excited. only one of them has been watching. we'll see if the others tune in. have you been watching the espn bulls, michael jordan "the last dance"? >> i'm the last person to log onto that, but i will get to it, i know i will get to it. i haven't seen it yet, but i heard about this part, but i don't know what it is. >> jimmy: that's great, let's play the clip so jerry can see it along with us. >> good to see you. >> [ bleep ]. these are a couple of your good fans right here. every day they come in and watch the game, they're watching your show, sooner or later, you're going to get tired of seinfeld. >> all right, have a good game.

good to see you. >> all right, good to see you, jerry. >> all right. >> this is not going to work, by the way. let me get that out of there. >> jimmy: were you scared of phil jackson? >> no, just too tall. >> jimmy: you know, it's funny, phil jackson is an intimidating guy, especially when you feel like you're interrupting some kind of preparation. and i was wondering, because you did seem a little confused there in the locker room. >> yeah, well, it's not a place i would normally be. but i did, i think i had another conversation with him, because that was his last season, and i was in the middle of my last season. and i remember teasing him about who do you think is going to end bigger, him or me? >> what's the most intimidated you've been with these athletes? because it's a strange thing when you meet some of these players you admire, even in some cases when they are younger than you are. you meet them, and you feel like a boy, for whatever reason i

don't know, but i've experienced that, have you had that? >> yes, yes. the most intimidated was when keith hernandez came onto my tv series, i think it was '92, and i had never met a baseball player. i think the boy thing is because we're so much physically smaller than them. i remember the day keith hernandez was coming on my show, changing my shirt three times, thinking what's the right, should i wear light blue? too casual? maybe white, too dressy? >> jimmy: i saw julia louis-dreyfus talking about this, and she said it was funny watching you guys with keith hernandez, she felt like she didn't even know you. >> yeah, we were very intimidated by him. it was '92. they had just won in '86, so he was still a real idol of mine. >> jimmy: the mets should be in first place right now, getting our hopes up. >> yeah.

>> jimmy: and then sliding along the way. are you missing the baseball season? >> i mean, yeah. i mean, it's like, it's like the world stopped turning. it's the superman episode, i miss everything. but i don't, also. i just, i, i have, you know, nature just is like, this is a moment when nature says hey, by the way, you're nothing. compared to me. but that's what this moment is. and i respect that. >> jimmy: we talked about this over the summer. you threw out the first pitch at city field. >> yes. >> jimmy: and again, that is a situation that returns you to youth, it exposes every insecurity you have. it's a no-win situation in almost every way, because you're supposed to throw a strike or at least something resembling a strike. and how do you feel about your performance on the mound?

>> well, you know how i feel about it, because i told you. this is the greatest accomplishment of my life. [ laughter ] my friend says this is the greatest thing you've accomplished in your life, because you had to do all the other things just to get to that mound. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> so i got to the mound and i really wasn't thinking that much about it. and one of the players in the dugout says hey, you want to warmup? i go warmup, what? it's a ceremonial pitch, what's the difference? he said you might want to warm up. so i warmed up in the locker room. and then i just threw this absolute beauty, which i think is maybe the greatest, i mean, that is a dead perfect strike. >> jimmy: yeah, the sidearm delivery. it's almost full sidearm. >> sidearm delivery. that's the style that i like to show off.

>> yes, you've got like a kent takofi type delivery. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i also threw out the first pitch at city field. >> you and i discussed this. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and you said you threw from the -- we did the same. >> ladies and gentlemen, jimmy kimmel! >> now you did very well, but i don't think you're going to get a call on that. i don't think the ump's arm is going to go up. >> jimmy: i was going for still photographs, because i feel like, unless you throw it away, they don't even show the pitch. you never see the video unless something terrible happens. >> yeah. now this is george w., which is considered one of the greatest opening pitches. and i think he's a little high. i think he's just a bit high there. >> jimmy: he had some movement on the ball there. you do have to admit that. let's look at that one more time. i think you can see, he had a little bit of movement. >> he really -- you have heard

him say this was the most nervous he was in his eight years of being president was this moment. >> jimmy: were you nervous when you threw out the first pitch? >> not until i stood on the rubber and realized, gee, 60 feet, six inches is kind of far. and i'm a 65-year-old man who has never played any organized baseball in my life. >> jimmy: oh, really? you've never played baseball? i assumed were you a little league guy. >> no. never had a uniform, never had anything. so i am more proud of that than anything i've ever done. >> jimmy: all right, we're sharing the sad story of jerry seinfeld's youth. when we come back, we're going to see a clip from his new comedy special on netflix. we'll be right back. ♪ >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by corona, happy cinco. stay safe and support the restaurant community by ordering in.

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people like to say those things, it is what it is, see, if you repeat a word twice in the same sentence, you can say that with confidence. business is business. rules are rules. deal's a deal. when we go in there, as long as we know what's what and who's who, whatever happens happens, and it is what it is. >> jimmy: that is jerry seinfeld. his special is jerry seinfeld, 23 hours to kill. it is on netflix as of today. i loved it, jerry. i really thought it was great. >> oh, thanks. thank you.

>> jimmy: and it was reminding me, and i was really trying to think of what it reminded me of. it reminded me of watching steph curry play basketball, because it looks so effortless, but it's so fluid, and you know watching it that even though it looks so easy that how much skill and practice and effort went into it. and i have to say, my favorite line of the whole thing, i know this is a little line. you said "nobody likes anything." and i couldn't agree more. >> that was my favorite. >> jimmy: nobody likes anything. >> right. >> jimmy: yeah. are you and jessica, your wife, now that you've been in quarantine together for quite some time, are you getting along better or worse? >> um, better. i think everyone is getting along better in the world right now. for the most part. it's because everyone realizes this, you know, we have a unifying enemy.

and i find that everybody's trying a 10% to 12% harder just to be nice. don't you find that? >> jimmy: not really, no. but i'm watching cnn all day, so i'm looking at a guy in a clan hood at the super market and people shoving a park ranger into a lake because he told them to distance themselves from each other. but, at my house, yes. i am trying to behave. i am trying to clean up after my self, which i don't do, usually. i'm trying to be a better husband and roommate, more than anything. >> yes, and i enjoy playing that game. i enjoy, you know, before i ask for the catsup, what's the nicest way you can ask for catsup. i actually think. hey, if no one's using the catsup, i would love a little more catsup. instead of just normally i would go, give me that.

>> jimmy: i'm trying to do that, too. but occasionally, i'll have an offbeat. and that was one of the things in your special. you said it's not necessarily what you say, the way you say things. >> the tone. marriage is a tone game. >> jimmy: yes. >> yeah, i think marriage is a game of chess, except the board is water, and the pieces are smoke. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i like that. that's what's going on with me right now. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so no matter what move you make, it will not affect the outcome of the game. >> jimmy: each night we are highlighting a charity. and you and jessica have a charity that you started 20 years ago called the good -- >> 20 years ago. >> jimmy: foundation. it's to help with basic needs. groceries, rent, all those sorts of things.

>> yeah. >> jimmy: and that is very important. you guys have been doing this. and i heard you got a big donation in a baseball player. >> justin verlander and his wife kate upton. he donated his salary for the year or the day, it was a lot of money whatever it was. jess has been doing an insane job. she's on the phone all day long getting emergency grants, social workers to help people whose lives are really, really threatened by this. if you don't have any cushion under you, and then it's rent, it's food, it's diapers. and they've done an amazing job. >> well, we are going to make a donation to the good plus foundation. we encourage you to go to their website and check them out. jerry, i have to say i loved your special. i am so happy to have you here. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i hope one day if we are ever allowed out of our homes again we can convene in

los angeles on a stage with human beings around. thanks, jerry seinfeld, everybody. >> thanks, jimmy. >> jimmy: we will be right back. thank you. ♪ give me your hand! i can save you... lots of money with liberty mutual! we customize your car insurance so you only pay for what you need! only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty. ♪

♪ >> jimmy: that is all the time we have. i'd like to thank jerry seinfeld and apologize to matt damon. "nightline" is next. tomorrow night, we have something fun with kevin bacon and kyra sedgwick. and i'll teach you how to cut your wife's hair in her sleep. thanks for watching. good night. determined to celebrate cinco de mayo. many in san jose are not letting shelters in place orders stop them. >> dental hygienists are scared to go back to work. keeping staff and patients safe. >> movie theaters may not be

open. but drive ins are. i'll tell you where. >> who will feel the heat, coming up. >> cinco de mayo in the south bay during a pandemic. crowds packed in a parking lot ignoring rules to socially distance and wear masks. police were forced sto step in. >> cinco de mayo in east san jose. in a global pandemic a packed parking lot near story and king roads. police enforcing social distancing. >> as long as they're not bothering anybody. i don't see why they're breaking it up. >> a flag vendor for 20 years at this location says the new normal changed nothing. >> it'see