thank you so much for joining us tonight. i'mdaetz. >> ♪ da, ba, da, ba, da, ♪ jimmy kimmel live! this is ridiculous, from his house. >> jimmy: hello and thank you for joining my quaran-ted talk. i'm jimmy, the ol' hermit from up in the hills. we are in week nine thousand of lockdown. of stay-at-home. people are getting restless craving other human beings. and i want to address something that i believe may be the cardinal sin of quarantine. maybe you have experienced this. it's the random unannounced drop-by. a friend calls you says, "hey, i'm pulling up in front of your house. come outside and say hello." and what are you gonna do? you're trapped. they know you're in there not doing anything. there's no getting away. so you put on pants and a mask

and you go out in front and you have a weird, muffled conversation next to your mailbox for eight minutes. that has to stop. and while we're at it, family zoom calls? let's max those out at 12 minutes. 12 minutes. there's nothing going on you can't cover in 12 minutes. at that point you say, "okay, zip it, grandma, we've heard enough!" here in los angeles county officials have announced that they are hoping to open things up by the 4th of july. the way it'll work is everyone will rush to the beach on the 4th of july sweat all over each other and then, we will die. which will be good for traffic on the 405. as of yesterday, pet groomers and trainers were allowed to open back up. which seems weird given that they say pets can spread the virus to people and people can spread it to pets. maybe we should start training our pets to groom us. one thing we might not have in l.a. is the oscars. word around town is that the academy awards, which are

scheduled for february will not happen in february. why they would cancel a show that is nine months away, i don't know. seems to me like a pretty blatant attempt to keep "sonic the hedgehog" from winning best picture. i guess this is just the next logical step. the last two years they had no host now they have no show. meanwhile on the other side of the reaction coin in galveston, texas. they went right ahead with their annual "go topless jeep weekend." that event led to nearly 200 arrests and some delightful interviews, too. >> thousands have flocked here to the peninsula to make the most of their time while out. >> quarantine, i need to get out and party! woo! >> go topless jeep weekend. >> what's better than a few drinks, beach and drinks. >> in full swing on bollivir peninsula.

>> wash them hands for 20 seconds! >> jimmy: you know the slogan "don't mess with texas?" she's the mess. maybe this will make you think twice about hitting the beach. you know how they've been telling us to stay six feet apart? well, that might not be enough apart. according to a new study when it's windy, our saliva, can travel 18 feet in five seconds. so when that runner goes by you from across the street? get down on the ground. have you been watching the hydroxy horror picture show? the president this week claimed he has been taking hydroxychloroquine to stave off the coronavirus. and of course his disciples are doing it, too! trumpers who are wary of "big pharma" have started to make their own hydroxychloroquine at home. for real. and i have to say i like this idea. that's good old-fashioned american initiative! boil up some homemade hydroxy!

what could possibly go wrong here's the thing. if you're dumb enough to think it's a good idea to make your own hydroxychloroquine at home, you're probably not smart enough to make your own hydroxychloroquine at home. most people can't even make a lem lemon meringue pie. last night i suggested that the president might be trying to kill himself and that we should keep an eye on him. and apparently that message resonated because i got a scolding today from white house press secretary number four kayla macalooney. >> so no one should be taking this without a prescription from their doctor. >> but with that being said, jimmy kimmel said said the president's quote trying to kill himself. joe scarborough saying this will kill you. neil cavuto saying what have you got to lose? the one thing you have to lose are lies. >> jimmy: she's definitely getting her hair colored.

anyway, thank you for watching, kayleigh. as you know most schools have had to hold their graduation ceremonies online this month. the governor of mississippi, tate reeves, gave an online commencement for his alma mater florence high school. and pay special attention as he reads the graduates' names. >> a special shout out to the 2020 class of florence high school. congratulations, i'm proud of you. to all the florence eagles, let's keep rolling. blake, christian, harry. >> jimmy: harry graduated at the bottom of his class. but the azcrack family is still very proud. online school is still a major nuisance for parents and students around the country. one of our writers who happens to be the heiress to a candy fortune her name is joelle has a

six-year-old nephew named joshua who got this assignment from his teacher. they told him to build a little bridge using coins. he was supposed to build it take a picture, and email it to the teacher. but he didnt take a picture nor did he build a bridge. instead, this is the what his teacher got a note that said, "you're not supposed to touch coins in my house because of the coronavirus." what a clever way to get out of doing homework! but not everyone can do this. and for those who have to turn your assignments in. our own guillermo is tutoring now free of charge. so sharpen your pencils while he sharpens your mind, it's time for homework corner with guillermo. ♪ >> guillermo: welcome to homework corner with guillermo. today question is what is one of the different between a mumle

and a reptile. mumle, okay, and a okay. so wreck tilreptiles are like s mammals are animals that, that um, that are not reptiles. and that's my answer. >> jimmy: when you're right, you're right. hey, we're going to take a break. when we come back, patten oswalt will join us. ♪ >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by the new fudge brownie m&ms. well i was going to say hard! why won't you... ughhhh... go in then! ahhh! [music playing]

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tomorrow night kevin hart will be with us and we're going to honor our healthcare hero of the week. our guest tonight is a very funny man not only is he in his house, he's in your house, too. his new stand-up comedy special "i love everything" is on netflix now. please welcome patton oswalt. hello, patton. >> hi, everybody! >> jimmy: it's just me, patten. there's no one else here. >> i'm glitching, wait a minute. i'm glitching. oh, there you go. hi. >> jimmy: as long as you don't buffer, it will be okay. how you doing, patton? >> i'm doing well. the only thing that we are kind of short of on here is firewood. i wish i knew someone who had like a lot of firewood. >> jimmy: i do happen to have, you know, i've been getting a lot of people asking if it's real wood. which -- >> is it? >> jimmy: of course it's real wood. >> hey, look, we live in hollywood. that could be wallpaper. that could be a backdrop.

come on, man. we don't know. >> jimmy: no, that's real wood. it's just, it's wood. what could be cheaper than wood if you're going to make wood. by the way, i enjoyed your netflix special, very funny. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i always enjoy your stuff. i learned something about you that i did not know previously. it's something that we have in common. when you were a teenager, you were a deejay for weddings and stuff, right? >> yes, i was a wedding deejay. >> jimmy: yeah, me too. >> you were a wedding deejay? >> jimmy: i was, yeah, when i was in college. >> what years? like what years was that? in the '80s? >> jimmy: we're talking like 1987, '88, maybe a little bit into '89. >> oh, my god. yeah, i worked at this very, very low-budget deejay company, and we still used -- he was the last guy that would, that still used cassette tapes, long after

they should not have been being used. he would defiantly not make the move to cds. so were you your own boss? did you work for a company? how did you do did? >> jimmy: i worked for a company called johnny d's disc jockey in air. you worked for the only company that used cassettes. >> yeah. >> jimmy: we had records. i carried crates of records with me. but how do you cue up a cassette? you have to listen and rewind? >> he had this weird device, where if he left a three second gap of silence between the songs on the mixes you could hit this button to stop at the fourth gap, but it would rarely actually work. so you would have cool and

gang "celebration " cued up and little river band "cool change" would come up. >> jimmy: you got your cools screwed up. >> if you were playing records, did you have two turn tables? >> jimmy: of course, i was a real disc jockey. i do an a little bit of this, do this, made me look kind of cool. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: i wasn't fast forwarding like you had to do. that's very sad. >> did you ever do the early, like, would you have a song fade-out and the song that faded in had the same beat as the one, to kind of do this look, look how i'm mixing them. >> jimmy: of course, i mixed the gap band into the daz band. they had the same dpm. >> i've been to things where the guys really revel in going from michael jackson's "beat it" to ac/dc's "back go black".

they would switch jgenres, but the misogy the songs have the same beat. and grandma and grandpa are on the dance floor, o mih, my god. >> jimmy: i'm glad we have that in common. we could talk about this for two hours. something happened, you had a fight with your wife, yes. >> >> yeyeah, we had a fight. i stormed out of the house to go on a hike, like, i'm going on a hike! i won! halfway through my hike, i was like, we're fighting over nothing, i have to apologize. when i came back to my car, she had left a note on my car, but it was the most ominous note, which basically said stop, get out of your car, walk to the car in front of you. i love you. i thought oh, my god, i'm about to be killed. and to prove it, i have the

video. she shot a video of me finding the note. look how terrified i am. >> jimmy: okay. this is video. you coming back from your angry hike. >> yes. >> jimmy: and finding the note. >> oh, hold on. there's a note. oh, what's this? >> jimmy: is this a ticket? >> what is this? i unfold it. i was froze and terrified. >> jimmy: and the shooter is right there. >> yes, at the end as i walk forward, you hear me go "i thought i was going to be assassinated". like i'm clearly shaken. >> jimmy: your wife meredith said she had a different version of the story and she wanted to share it. i heard her laughing, i think. >> oh, god. >> jimmy: meredith, tell us your version of the story. how are you? >> i'm good, how are you? >> jimmy: great, thank you. >> um, my version of the story, well, first of all, let me acknowledge that yes, the note

seems ominous. >> seems! >> it seems ominous, because i was still mad when i wrote the note, so it's not like, notice i didn't say i forgive you. i said i love you, like you're going to come back from your hike after you've like thought how wrong you were and were you going to apologize to me. so i was giving him an opening. because in the special he says something like we had a blowout fight, and i said to her, i'm going for a hike! and that's not at all how it happened. we got in a fight, and i said, oh, my god, i'm leaving. not, you know, forever, just like out the door. >> jimmy: mm-hm. >> and he's, like, well, i'm going on a hike. like he was wrong the whole time. >> oh, so i did a -- "you can't fire me, i quit"? >> are you kidding? in other words, he tells the story on the show as if he's like, she thought she should apologize, and i thought, and we

both realized we made a mistake, but he's the one who made the mistake. and i was gracious enough to give him an opening to apologize. >> i remember -- >> which, by the way, he did, because he's a great husband. >> i did, but i remember us blowing something out -- you say i was complete aly in the sfwlw? >> you don't remember it right. >> jimmy: there's no more ominous note than to write i love you. >> with just a period. it's such a sicilian method. >> jimmy: i want do keep you both here. the charity you've chosen for us to donate to tonight is a special charity. it's called alice's kids. i know your daughter's name is alice. these are not her kids, though. >> no, she's 11.

no kids yet. this isn't arkansas. they get the essential supplies and experiences and food and clothing for at-risk kids and do it in a way that it's done anonymously so that the kids don't have to deal with, sometimes there's a stigma in getting charity. so they also do an end-run around that so the kids can have the fun, dignified childhood, tan's amazing. >> jimmy: alice'skids.org. thank you, i'm glad you made up. it made up for a very funny part of your special. please watch patton's stand-up special called "i love everything." >> do you want to make a cameo in my cameo? >> jimmy: the website? no. >> i promised them you would do it, so. >> jimmy: oh, okay. >> it's already recording. i don't want you on -- okay, here we go.

>> jimmy: i'll jump in. >> hi, it's me, patton oswalt and -- >> jimmy: that's where i say jimmy, and it's jimmy. >> okay, yes. here to say "happy birthday to you " ♪ happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear ♪ >> jimmy:chacazy. how much do we get for that? >> if you have a vin mow, i'll zipped y send you a cut. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by coors light who are helping out americans who could use a beer.

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♪ >> jimmy: hi. welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live from my house." i've got an email address where you can send me your questions and thoughts, it's hellojimmykimmel@gmail.com. i usually hate getting email, but it's fun to read. let's see what we got. from jimmy, do you own a jean jacket? i feel like you do but you won't

wear it. you know, rachel, i don't, i assume i will someday. i think maybe by the time the jean jacket is back in style, i think i'm just probably now too old to be in style. so if the question you're asking is do i have a jean jacket, i do not have a jean jacket. and do not, please do not send me jean jackets. i don't want them, okay? thanks, rachel. you know, lots of people need some extra help right now, including our friends in the hospitality industry. which is why diageo started the "tips from home" initiative. as part of it, we've been inviting bartenders to create libations you can make with stuff you've got stockpiled in your personal bunker. and it's time now for tonight's cocktail de la casa featuring johnnie walker black label. >> hey, guys, i'm going to make you a delicious cocktail kalcacd

monkey business with banana bread. three parts honey to one part water, an ounce of johnnie walker. i toast the banana bread, let it sit overnight. egg white, small piece of ice. pop it over. add more ice and shake. strain that off in a stemmed glass. there you have it, monkey business. cheers, jimmy. >> jimmy: cheers to you, maria. to learn more about how to help your favorite bartenders go to givz.com/tipsfromhome. we'll be right back. ♪

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when visible set out to create the future of phone service... we tossed the stuff that wasn't working. stuff like foot-long bills and fees from nowhere. time-wasting stores, misleading ads, unhelpful help centers. and saved the stuff that was working. like verizon's 4g lte network. plus unlimited data, messages, and minutes. it's a simple system. trim the bad... make the good better... and way cheaper. meet visible. unlimited data on verizon's 4g lte network. just $25 for your first month. join us at visible.com. >> jimmy: well, there you go, another night we will never forget. i'd like to thank patton oswalt and apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time for him again. tomorrow, we will check in with kevin hart.

"nightline" is next. that's our show, but if you head to my twitch channel you can watch me play "fortnite" until my wife gets mad. i'll see you there. good evening. thanks for joining us. the pandemic has exposed many truths in the u.s. but it'sle also revealed this uy fact. if you are a person of color, you are far more likely to contract covid-19 and die from it. tonight we begin a three-night special event where "nightline" will examine all the complexities across the nation and begin in new york city. the epicenter, the bronx. >> you see people every day. and then all of a sudden somebody's not there. >> from front line workers to families, all fighting to survive. how hard is it to socially distance in an apartment with six children? >> it is impossible. >> how decades of racial