tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC May 25, 2020 11:35pm-12:06am PDT
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♪ pa-da-pa, pa-da-pa, pa-da-pa ♪ pa-da-pa, pa-da-pa, pa-da-pa ♪ jimmy kimmel live >> this is ridiculous. from his house! >> jimmy: hi again. it's me, james. jimmy kimmel. from my house. which is starting to feel like our house. it's still weird working from home. when the show ends i don't go anywhere. i just stand here until the next one starts. i will say, we had an action figure-packed day. there was a marvel mystery in the house this morning. my wife molly found this in the living room. i don't know if you can see that there. spider-man with a coronavirus mask. so she assumed i did this. which i did not. she then asked our daughter
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jane, who is five, if she did it and she said she didn't do it. then there was only one suspect left, our son billy, who just turned three. this is his toy. he admitted he did it. he found a little piece of wallpaper in jane's dollhouse and he pasted it on spidey's face. so if you think your kids aren't absorbing all of this that's going on, you're wrong. i do need to explain to billy that spidey is already wearing a mask. you don't put a mask on a mask. it's like wearing two condoms. i'll wait until he's 40. in mexico city, someone came up with a fun way to keep riders on the train safe. >> mexico city doesn't want its public health campaign to turn into a circus, so it hired professional clowns to spray the hands of metro riders with disinfectant and to tell them, wear a face mask, don't be a clown. >> translator: it's great to see clowns on the subway because if you're angry they make you laugh. >> jimmy: and you wouldn't like him when he's angry. between spider-man and the hulk, the avengers are really doing
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their part to keep the mask effort going. even with everything going on, despite all the warnings about spiking this virus again, as some states begin to ease stay at home restrictions, millions of americans are eagerly getting back out there. according to the "new york times" 25 million more people left their homes last week than in the six weeks before it. which is nuts. even the munchkins didn't come out of hiding until the witch was pronounced dead. and it's not just the human folk. this happened yesterday in san jose. goat stampede in the neighborhood. look at them. no masks on, just running around. >> block 'em! >> jimmy: you block 'em! block 'em. you know all this time we've been afraid of robots taking over. little did we know we'd have to do battle with goats. so hide your tin cans. here's a taste of what life might be like going forward. there's a fine dining establishment in virginia, a very fancy restaurant called the inn at little washington that
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has a plan for reopening. you know social distancing will probably mean a lot of empty tables, which isn't great ambiencewise. so the owner of this restaurant is putting mannequins in the empty seats. to make it feel full. for real. it's like a whole restaurant full of jared kushners. the chef at the restaurant said "i've always had a thing for mannequins." really? we never would have guessed that. so finally, if you live in the area you can enjoy a three-star michelin meal in the storage room at westworld. yesterday dr. anthony fauci warned congress about the dangers of opening things up too soon, and today he got a shout out from the always-incisive brian kilmeade on fox and friends. >> shouldn't we also go to school on the success georgia's having? shouldn't we also go to school on the success that florida's experiencing? and south carolina. even dr. mauci said that's the model. >> jimmy: dr. mauci? that's chairman maoci, to you brian.
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maoci. forget dr. maoci, what i want to know about dr. oz and what is going on with his hair? for whatever reason some of these dopes at fox news are treating dr. fauci like he's an enemy in this. tucker carlson, last night on his show, questioned dr. fauci's stance on sending kids back to school. >> fauci says the children must stay home or countless people will die. that's the message. i'm going to ask a very simple question. how does he know this exactly? is tony fauci right about the science? do we have any particular reason to think he is right? >> jimmy: well, let's see. he is the director of the national institute of allergy and infectious diseases? there's that. these guys are unbelievable. anyone trusting fox news over doctors right now should only be allowed to see tucker carlson when their stool comes out red. but the president, fox news viewer number one, now says he disagrees with fauci too. he is ready to open schools. >> i think that we have to open
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our schools. young people are very little affected by this. we have to get the schools open. we have to get our country open. we have to open our country. now, we want to do it safely, but we also want to do it as quickly as possible. we can't keep going on like this. you're going to have -- you're having bedlam already in the streets. we can't do this. we have to get it open. >> jimmy: well, listen, in fairness to trump, if your kids came out like eric and don jr. you would want to get schools going again soon too. but what a mess this is. donald trump believes he can wish this virus away. he knows more than the doctors. meanwhile, joe biden is bidin' his time quietly at home. and he's planning to stay put for the foreseeable future. he's basically grandpa joe from "willy wonka" right now. biden is doing what they call "campaigning from home." and it's going well. as you can see from this map, he has a commanding lead at home.
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a lot of blue in the living and bedroom areas. toilets, those belong to trump. by the way, why do we need to see the guy running for president anyway? why does he ever have to leave? back when this all started, unless you lived within walking distance of a train station, you never got to see the president at all. people who voted for the first 15 presidents probably didn't even know what they looked like. they were just like, "james polk? that sounds cute." this is a not at all surprising trend. sales of pajamas have skyrocketed. they're up 143%. and sales of pants are down 13%. at this point i don't even remember why we wore pants. why? were our legs cold? pants are now an option and i came up with a fun game to play. it's called -- jmye" that's right. the way it works is, we put five seconds on the clock and you have to guess if i am bottomless. okay? here we go. let's play. ♪
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you have your answer? the answer is -- no, i am not wearing pants. i've not worn pants for a month. guillermo, next week we'll play this with you. all right some are you wearing pants right now? >> guillermo: yes. i'm wearing shorts right now. >> jimmy: well, that's not pants. >> guillermo: no. i'm not wearing pants at all. >> jimmy: all right. thank you, guillermo. we're going to take a break. when we come back we'll be back with bill murray. so stick around. ♪ >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by target. [music begins to play: "together" by sia] ♪ come now set the past on fire ♪ ♪ stand up raise your face to the sky my love ♪ ♪ together we can take it higher ♪ ♪ together we can take it higher ♪ ♪ come now set the past on fire ♪ ♪ stand up raise your
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and we're going to honor our healthcare hero of the week with the help of a magnetic mystery music man. if there's anyone who can shake us out of this pandemic doldrum, it is my guest tonight. he's joining us now from murray manor. please welcome bill murray. hi, bill. bill? how you doin'? >> hi, jimmy, how are you? >> jimmy: i'm doing well. >> i'm doing pretty well, but i'm in that funny moment. i don't know if everyone's going through the same moment i'm going through. i'm drawing my tub now and i'm having a little difficulty because getting the right temperature has always been a problem with me. for the purposes of today i think it's kind of celebration because i haven't seen you for a while. i thought a bubble bath would be appropriate. but you know how it is with bubbles. you can't -- >> jimmy: you can't count on bubbles. >> you can't snap your fingers and make them. they just come when they come. they're not in any hurry. >> jimmy: we're not in a rush. we can wait for the bubbles to come. >> no, no.
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let's -- i'm dying o'talk to you. i'm dying to see you. >> jimmy: you know, when you quarantine, you don't have to sit in the tub. you're allowed to go around the house. as long as you stay on the inside of the house you're okay. >> no, no, it depends on the state. >> jimmy: this is genius, really, because they do say soap and water are the best things to protect you from the virus, and you're right in it. >> well, i don't know if i -- i'm hoping to go -- and, you know, cold tubs are really the best. and i want to experiment with that because i've never tried to make bubbles in a cold tub. i'm not going to do that just yet. because i want to be -- you know, i want to be as sort of alive and happy and focused with you as i can. but once we get to a certain point and we've accomplished what we really need to entertainmentwise or socially distancewise, i think i might switch to cold. >> jimmy: i don't blame you for one moment. what's the mood like in charleston, south carolina where you are? >> they've opened the world sort of.
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it's sort of reopened a little bit. i still wear a mask. i've still been wearing a mask when i go out. and most people, most young people do not wear masks at all. they don't. the only people i see are people that haven't put on their makeup yet, those kind of people. but i like it. but i think anyone that is not wearing a mask, you could argue, oh, you're being socially irresponsible, you're risking your life and the lives of others. eh, maybe, who cares. but you're missing a real opportunity to say i'm on the side of law and order. >> jimmy: that's right. >> don't you understand? if i weren't on the side of law and order wouldn't i have walked in with my guns drawn? >> jimmy: and not just law and order but common decency for god's sake. are you missing baseball? you're a co-owner of a minor league team there in charleston. and you guys are closed now, right? >> i'm sorry i have to interrupt you. because there's just not enough bubbles in this thing.
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there we go. that -- >> jimmy: that should do it. >> yeah. that could be the missing vaccine, we don't know. yeah, there's no baseball. i've been trying the korean baseball for about an inning at a time at night. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but eh, it's okay. but it doesn't get it done. they have all the old games on espn, that kind of thing. but i really miss baseball. >> jimmy: bill, i went on the website of the charleston river dogs, the team you are co-owner, and also, what's your job there? you're the director of fun? >> they call me the director of fun, yeah. they kick me down stairs. >> jimmy: i noticed you guys, even though you aren't playing baseball, you are serving food. people can go to the stadium and pick up something to go from the joe. this is quite a menu. what's the home wrecker? do you know that item on the menu?
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>> the home wrecker is like a -- is a 14-inch-long hot dog. >> jimmy: wow. have you been watching "the last dance" on espn? i know you're a bulls fan. >> of course i have. of course i have. it's fun. and i've actually seen myself -- there, i'm in the background right there! stop, play that back. yeah, that was an exciting time to be a chicago bulls fan. i've got the hat on because i'm last dancing today. but it's a great thing. and they're -- it's very fascinating to watch. but people keep -- are starting to -- it's too much for some people. they can't take, like both back to back. there are people who go i can't, it sort of knocks them out. partly i think they arrive, they come exhausted. but they think, i think it takes a lot out of people, you know. takes a lot out of people to watch it. >> jimmy: did you ever have a memorable experience with michael jordan? i know many people are always
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having memorable experiences with you. is there something that comes to mind when you think of him off the court? >> well, i made the movie "space jam" with michael jordan. and we're up in arrowwood shooting in arrowwood. and we'd just go play golf for an hour, play three, four holes of golf with larry bird and michael and myself. that was a lot of fun. but i did play a shootout thing once at the western open in chicago. and in one of those deals where some sort of celebrity fool plays with a pro. and it was great because it was all the great chicago athletes. it was ditka and michael and ernie banks and walter payton and doug wilson. all these guys hit it great. somehow i ended up in the last group. everyone else was eliminated except my guy and i, peter jacobson, against michael jordan. so it was our team's -- the final hole.
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and my friend bubba phillips ran up to me with a picture of "sports illustrated" that showed micha michael literally -- his whole body at the height of the rim saying this is the guy you've got to beat on this hole, okay? this is the guy you've got to beat. and i did beat him. >> jimmy: and you beat him. >> and i beat him. but he was exhausted at the end of the day. he had to sign 300,000 autographs. but just as he was leaving outs of the back, i said hey, michael, wait. michael. and i saw him go, oh, one snore and i was like, would you take a photograph with my mother? and he went, what? and there's the most hilarious photograph of my mother, lucille collins murray, one of the paler beauties ever put on the planet, standing next to this giant man. she was only 5'1", 5'2". and the smiles on both of their faces, because they knew exactly how ridiculous the photograph looked. but he was a sweetie, he took the picture. >> jimmy: nice. bill murray's with us. when we come back, bill is going
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>> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house. bill murray is in his tub at his house. we're chatting. and i will say that bill murray gives great advice. in fact, when we were having our baby bill gave us great advice. i thought it would be fun if you would answer some e-mail. i've been getting a lot of e-mails at hellojimmykimmel@gmail.com. >> sure. >> jimmy: this young woman, kate, she says i have nothing to do in quarantine, do you have any advice? >> i think she should just walk around the house. i think you'd be surprised how many insect infestations are happening right now. i don't think people are aware of it most of the time. and this is the time of year
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when insects move. i think she should move around the perimeter of her house. just with some -- you could use baking soda and baking powder, that kind of thing. she should just sprinkle the house around it. neighbors that you don't get along with will see that and they won't be coming by any longer, so that's going to help the family. >> jimmy: that's great. little girls love bugs. this is a kid name flor alvarez says "there's gelato in the freezer that isn't mine. should i eat it? bye-bye, flor." >> flor, she must have been watching when they announced it. it's a free concert. that's the people's gelato. it's a free concert. i should recommend to flor that she should try to make a drowning man, an affogato with that gelato. make it for her father. make some really dark coffee or espresso. put that gelato in a coffee cup and pour espresso or dark coffee over that. it makes like root beer floats where it's sort of crunchy on
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the outside. do that with coffee and it's really good. do that with your parents and you become the favorite child. >> jimmy: one more question, this is from ryder story in medina, texas. "should i let my dad cut my hair since all the barbershops are closed?" >> absolutely. my dad cut my hair until -- i think i had maybe one, two barbershop haircuts in my whole grade school into high school. we had too many kids. i mean, if you -- there wasn't $100 to go get haircuts, you know, it just wasn't happening. so he learned how to cut hair. i now cut my own hair. i've got one of those things too. and i do it myself. and it looks better than -- i mean, it needs a little cleaning up. but basically, cutting your own hair with one of those things, it feels really good to do. should let the kid do it himself and let the dad clean it up. >> jimmy: teamwork. that's what makes a family a family. >> it can be a bonding thing. dad, you take one side, i'll take the other side, we'll compare. it's looking good.
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>> jimmy: bill, each night we are making a donation to charity. you've chosen the restaurant employee relief fund, rerf.us. your son homer has a great restaurant in brooklyn called 21 green point. and you and homer are taking on guy fieri and his son in a nacho cheese-making competition on friday on the food network facebook page. you'll crush him, right? >> yeah, i mean, i still haven't met him in person. i've talked to him on the phone and so forth, and he does a lot of nice things for other people. but i think this is going to be a tough week for guy, and i think guy's friends should sit around him and tell him, it's not all about winning, you got to learn how to lose. you've got to. >> jimmy: thank you, bill. >> look what i found! >> jimmy: bill murray's making the most of quarantine. >> the bubble bath went a little too far. >> jimmy: you can never take a bubble bath too far. bill murray, we appreciate it, we'll be right back. ♪
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if you can't afford your medicine, when visible set out to create the future of phone service... we tossed the stuff that wasn't working. and kept the stuff that was working. like verizon's 4g lte network. meet visible. unlimited data, messages and minutes. just $25 for your first month. join us at visible.com. ♪ >> jimmy: that's all the time we have. thanks to bill murray. apologies to matt damon. "nightline" is next. go wash up. ♪
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tonight, pregnant in the pandemic. the worry we're all feeling, amplified. bringing life into the world in the very hospitals battling the disease. >> we're parachuting into what feels like a war zone. >> separated from partners. >> the doctor's kind of like hey, we're not sure if you're going to be able to get in. >> even separated from their babies.ikn unending nightmare, honestly. >> but ultimately a bond that cannot be broken by the virus. >> announcer: this is a special edition of "nightline." "delivering hope." he's just going to drop me off and i'm terrified. >> she's going to be just fine. she can do this. >>o our best. >> reporter: when emily shear found out she was pregnant with her
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