thank you for joining me. today is -- actually, i have no idea what day today is. guillermo, what day is it? >> guillermo: oh, i don't know, i'm very drunk. >> jimmy: at least you have an excuse. hey tony, grammy, and emmy award-winner andre de shields, what day is today? ♪ it's thursday, thursday, thursday night ♪ >> yeah! >> jimmy: oh, okay. it's thursday. that's good. that means "the cosby show" was on, right? i don't even know what decade it is. county officials here in los angeles, just released guidelines for re- opening our schools. there are a lot of them, they're going to have students walk single file in the hallways. there will be strict seating on buses, staggered recreation time in the schoolyard. basically, it sounds like a prison where you have to learn geometry. classrooms will be limited to 16 seats, spaced 6 feet apart.

and there are also new rules for bullies. from now on, all wet willies must be dry darryl's. i dont know. i was talking to my wife. my plan is to just pull my kids out of school altogether and hope they become reality tv stars. a lot of people are wondering which of the many changes we've made to our lives during this pandemic will carry over when things go back to normal. like, will the hometown buffet still exist? will children sit on santa's lap? at christmas. will we bob for apples? at halloween? i've been thinking about all the things that might have to go, and i have to say, the one thing i hope this virus does kill, is the penny. that's right, the penny. that little one cent coin that rattles around at the bottom of the cup holder of your nissan sentra. if we're giving up shaking hands, and high fives, the penny has to go. cash is like poison now. handing someone a twenty-dollar bill is almost the same as licking them on the face. but at least a twenty-dollar

bill is worth $20. a penny buys you nothing. it's a hundredth of a dollar. and they cost more to make than they're even worth. the cost of minting a penny is 1.7 cents. basically, our government is manufacturing shiny little pieces of garbage. at a loss. and, by the way, while we're at it, the nickel can go too. so i'm calling on the u.s. government to give us a brighter future, something to look kill the penny. kill the penny. nix the nickel, and put the dime on notice while you're at it too. dime's up. meanwhile, this is what our penny-colored president is up to, while racial injustice tears this country apart. he is going to war with twitter. earlier this week, twitter labeled one of trump's many lies, as "potentially misleading." and linked it to news articles showing that it was misleading. he keeps claiming that vote by mail, even though he himself does it, will result in an avalanche of anti-trump fraud.

it's part of his multi-pronged "looks like i'm gonna lose, so i'll make every case i can to say i was cheated" campaign. so today, he picked up his presidential sharpie and signed an executive order that would limit legal protection for social media companies. >> today i'm signing an executive order to protect and uphold the free speech rights of the american people. currently giants like twitter receive an unprecedented liable shield based on the fact that they are a neutral platform, which they are not. not an editor with a viewpoint. my executive order calls for new regulations under section 230 of the communications decency act, to make it that social media companies that engage in censoring or any political conduct will not be able to keep their liability shield. that's a big deal. >> jimmy: this is crazy. this would be like if he declared war on arby's because they said there were 500 calories in his curly fries. in a nutshell, the president is

mad at an app on his phone, and is using the power of his office to retaliate. this is what's on the president's mind, as the death toll from the virus is over 100,000 and people are rioting in the streets. he told reporters today he will "shut down twitter," if his attorneys can find a way, because they're limiting his freedom of speech. which is obviously insane. he is mr. twitter. and by the way, if he's so mad at twitter, why doesn't he stop using it? he can't, because he loves it. he loves mashing those angry little thumbs. this is funny. yesterday, trump retweeted a video from his pet frog "lou dobbs." who hilariously declared trump to be arguably the greatest president "in our history? the video was posted mockingly, by a user named "@ndrewlawrence." who, after trump retweeted it, change his screen name to "trump is dumb, sloppy, and moist." so now that's on the president's timeline. that's on arguably the greatest

president in history's timeline. i don't know about moist, but i have noticed something very odd about donald trump, odder than usual even, and when i see him on tv now, i have a hard time thinking about anything else our president is lopsided. when he stands up straight, it isn't straight. he's kind of off-kilter. look at this. right? he's bent. here he is in a room. here he is at a rally. with the gangsta lean. on the lawn, and he has the nerve to call hillary crooked. he looks like an upside-down bowling pin, teetering on the edge of the gutter. look at that. it would seem the bone spurs have finally spread throughout his whole body. you know, this has been a terrible week, and our government is terrible and the world is terrible, and i think we all need a boost. so, against the advice of doctors, i invited a friend to come to my house. this is a guy who can cheer

anyone up and here he is now. say hello to upbeat bobby. bobby? ♪ >> hey everybody. upbeat bobby here. i heard you're feeling a little bit down. maybe you'd like to see a magic trick? i said maybe you'd like to see a magic trick? i said maybe you'd like to see a magic trick. >> jimmy: yes, do a trick! >> okay. this is a penny, one of the ones jimmy wants to go. watch very closely. so lets make it go. the penny is gone. oh, too small to see? i happen to have a clementine in my butt. hmm? look what i found in your ear. thank you everybody. i'm headed upstairs to go jump on the bed. ♪

>> jimmy: see, i told you he was great. i feel better already. we've got a weird show tonight. we're going to take a break, and when we come back, i am going to interview my neighbor dakota johnson over our fence. so stick around. ♪ >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by medicare from blue cross and blue shield companies. why the weight of the world is carried with a smile. and where the comfort that's so desperately sought, is found. this is what's worth protecting embracing. and ensuring for others, especially now. this is why medicare from blue cross blue shield

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♪ ♪ >> jimmy: hey, i'm in my back yard. tomorrow sean penn will join us. my guest tonight is a bigtime hollywood star and a top-rate neighbor. her new movie, "the high note," is available on vod starting friday. joining us now from over the fence, dakota johnson. hey, dakota! oh, there she is. >> oh, hey. >> jimmy: are you gardening? >> yeah. >> jimmy: is that your gardening

ensemble? >> yeah, i was just about ready to wet my plants. >> jimmy: i think my daughter has that same outfit. >> no, i asked if i could borrow it. it fits her better than me. >> jimmy: what's going on over there? is anything happening fun over there? >> not exactly. fun stuff is not happening over here. >> jimmy: fun stuff is not happening over here either. >> is anything happening fun over here? >> jimmy: sometimes my son says penis, and that's the highlight of the day. >> it's the highlight of my day if anyone says "penis" in my house. >> jimmy: did you know you have cameras pointed at your house? we're socially distanced. we're at least 12 feet apart. do you have food? do you need anything? do you need toilet paper or anything like that? >> i'm okay at this moment, but if you have food already made for tonight, i'll take it,

because i'm hungry. >> jimmy: i actually made chicken legs, do you like chicken? >> chicken legs? >> sure. >> jimmy: yeah, drumsticks. >> that's a different way to say it. chicken legs. it's really like savage. >> jimmy: that's what it comes to over here. >> well, when bush comes to shove. >> jimmy: of all the neighbors you've had in your life -- >> you're the best one. >> jimmy: am i the best one? >> yeah. >> jimmy: thank you, appreciate that. that's nice of you to say >> i'm trying to think, have i had bad neighbors? the ones on the other side -- >> jimmy: when you were kids, didn't you live next to hunter thompson? >> he and my dad were best friends. he was like always at the house doing super normal stuff. >> jimmy: would you have conversations with hunter thompson? >> yeah, and he would bring

bizarre gifts like bird callers or goggles or like a fishing rod. >> jimmy: did you ever have bullets flying by the bounce house? >> yeah, we did, not the bounce, because we didn't have a bounce house, but he used to come into the driveway at like 3:00 in the morning and shoot his gun off to let us know he was there. i mean, them, i was asleep. i was asleep. >> jimmy: so i am easily the best neighbor. oh, your dog's over there. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i started to get nervous. >> we put some stuff into this fence so he wouldn't go into your yard anymore. >> jimmy: he's welcome in the yard. the kids would be more than happy to -- >> that was so cute when you guys came over, when jane came over in her pajamas. >> jimmy: i was thinking about your grandmother, tippi hedren who still has big cats. living at her house. >> yeah. >> jimmy: when i saw that joe exotic.

i would assume she does not approve of the joe exotic lifestyle. >> no. >> this is uncomfortable. it smells. it smells like feet. i think it came from a bizarro runway. >> jimmy: did you have that in your closet? >> yes. >> jimmy: you did. you don't have any tigers at that house? >> in here? they're all inside right now. >> jimmy: have you ever had roommates? have you ever had a situation where you've had to live with other people? >> yes. >> jimmy: i'm not talking about a boyfriend. i'm talking about a roommate. >> i lived with my first boyfriend out of high school. and one night his friend, he was like he's going to sleep on the couch. and then like seven months later, he was still sleeping on the couch. >> jimmy: that's a long nap. >> that's a long journey.

we had like a tiny apartment. i had no money, i was like 20 years old. he was 6'7", and that's not like a cool amount of space to take up in any couch but also in any room. it's so much space. and so every few weeks, i'd be like, tobias, are you going to -- >> jimmy: say good-byeas? and he always stayed. >> he stayed for a long time. he's an amazing songwriter, actually. >> jimmy: oh, you keep in touch with him. >> yeah. he now has his own amazing house. >> jimmy: you should go crash that place for seven months. >> i should. it should be when you guys have parties and don't invite me, i'll go there and stay at his house. >> jimmy: so every night we've been highlighting a charity. and you've picked which charity tonight? >> the world food program. >> jimmy: the world food program. at wfp.org. i'll be making a donation to world food program and other

neighbors hopefully will make a donation. >> that would be cool. i feel bad that i said the other ones suck. it would be great that you made a donation. you don't suck today. >> jimmy: we did have some problems with the neighbors. i think that's smoothed over, right? >> yeah, i had to rent a garage to put my truck in, which is absolute [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: they had your grandfather's truck towed and now you're renting a garage. >> and they never owned up to it. do you remember that night? it was nuts. i lost my mind. >> jimmy: they did tell me it was them. >> they did? did they say they saw the show? >> jimmy: yeah. >> oh, my god many i'm going to have to stay in the house for a while. >> jimmy: if you get lonely come down to the fence. >> i will come down to the shrub for a chat. >> jimmy: "high note" on demand. dakota johnson, my neighbor. thank you, dakota, we'll be right back. >> thank you! >> dicky: portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by ogx, a chubby little bottle with the gold cap. salon-quality hair care at home, available online now.

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♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house. and before we go any further, i'd like to take a moment to talk to you about something that's very important to me. maybe it's something that's important to you. >> ooh wow yeah, can't wait to hear what this is. i love your p.o.b., jimmy. >> jimmy: molly? >> it's not molly. it's me, lentils. >> jimmy: lentils? lentils from the kitchen lentils? >> yeah, lentils from the kitchen lentils.

remember me? >> jimmy: oh, right. i forgot i put you in there. how have you been? >> oh, i'm great. i'm awesome jimmy. i'm so, so good just in this cupboard. actually i don't want to fight. i kinda just wanna know what happened? because last we spoke i remember we were in the supermarket and you turned to your wife and you said "let's get some lentils." that was years ago. >> jimmy: didn't i use you to make some kind of soup once? i used like a handful of you? jimmy, can i speak for a second? in 2017, you looked at me, lifted me and put me right back on the shelf. that was the last time you even touched me. that was the last time i was even touched, do you know how hard that is? >> jimmy: i feel like you're reading too much into this.

i feel like you're going a little bit overboard. >> oh,. i love when a man tells me how i should be feeling and that i shouldn't trust my emotions. you know, jimmy? i hear what your kids call me. the girl said i taste like doo doo. >> jimmy: that's jane, and, yes. that was out of line. >> it was disgusting and reprehensible, and she should have been punished. but i'm not here to teach you how to parent. i moved with you. why did you pay movers to pack a bag of lentils you don't even like? that is psychotic behavior. that's insanity. and then not to eat me after that, it's like, whoa. >> jimmy: i guess i just haven't had an appetite for lentils. >> wow. okay. wow, wow, wow, jimmy, wow. >> jimmy: i didn't mean it like that. i didn't mean to offend you. >> no, no, no, you said it, girlfriend. you heard it here, jimmy kimmel

is too famous to eat lentils. >> jimmy: that is not true. i did not say that. >> i know, i know you're not used to hearing this, jimmy. i don't care that you're famous. you know what i care about? treating others with kindness, yeah, that means something to me. respect. i also like respect. maybe some type of morality is cool. >> jimmy: what can i do to make it up to you? i feel like we're going in circles here. >> are you for real this time? you actually want to do this? >> jimmy: yeah, what can i do. >> maybe just say "i love you. "and you are worthy of love." that would be a good start. >> jimmy: fine. i love you and you are worthy of love, lentils. okay? thank you. >> i don't know. i don't buy it. i feel like you're acting again. >> jimmy: well, i'm not acting, i mean it. how about tonight, i cook you up with some chicken broth?

throw an a little tomato in there. >> honestly -- sorry, i just did not wanted to cry. i just waited so long. that would mean a lot to me. >> jimmy: i forgot, we're having pizza tonight. maybe next -- >> you dirty bitch. i knew you'd double cross me. >> jimmy: we'll be right back. >> if letterman had bought me none of this would have happened. letterman was a good host and a good man. you're not, you're done, jumpy. you're done, girlfriend. you're done. >> dicky: this episode of jimmy kimmel live from his house is brought to you by leftovers. like what you had yesterday? have it again. leftovers, same food but colder. these are extraordinary times, and we want to thank the extraordinary people in the healthcare community, working to care for all of us. at novartis, we promise to do our part. as always, we're doing everything we can

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>> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house. one of the many groups that has

struggled over these insane ten weeks have been workers in the hospital industry, that's why the diagio has started a tips from home. we've been asking bar tenders who are holed up at home to make drinks. and it's time for tonight's cocktail de la casa, featuring captain morgan original spiced rum. >> hi guys. today we're going to make a drink called the stickup. using the stick of an ice pop. we're going to start off with a hurricane glass and add two-thirds ice, place the ice pop right into the glassware and follow these simple steps. i'm adding one and a half ounces of captain morgan original spiced rum directly into my glass, measure out one ounce of pineapple juice, one ounce of orange juice, fill with lemon lime soda and stir with my ice pop. here you have the stickup.

cheers, jimmy. >> jimmy: to learn more, go to givz.com. that's all the time we have. i want to thank dakota johnson, my neighbor and apologize to matt damon. we didn't have time for him and the bag of lentils. sean penn will join us tomorrow night. we'll see you tomorrow night, same fat time, same fat channel. >> guillermo: ♪ happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear pancheeto, happy birthday to you ♪ mayor breed announces new mask restrictions and phases for reopening. including when you can return to the salon. >> new video of the officer involved shooting in hayward. what the chief says the suspect admitted. >> starting june 1 he will not

enforce the county health officers orders. >> that breaking news is a show down between the sheriff and the didn't health officer. >> he announced on facebook. i can no longer in good conscience continue to enforce the public health orders without explanation that criminalize lawful business and personal behavior. we spoke with the sheriff. >> what we'll do june 1 is start following the governors directive. >> he will advise hi deputies not to follow directives from the health officer like the past. >> that's the decision i have made. in consultation with the constituents and other leaders in the area. we have learned the curb has been flattened significantly