kimmel and i'm the host of something they call a talk show, so that's exciting. today is, actually, i have no idea what today is. guillermo, what day is today? >> oh, i don't know, i'm very drunk, jimmy. >> jimmy: at least you have an excuse, what day is today? >> it's thursday, thursday, thursday night ♪ yeah! >> jimmy: oh, okay. it's thursday, which is good. that means the "cosby show" is on tonight, right? i don't even know what decade it is. county officials in los angeles just released guidelines for reopening our schools, and there are a lot of them. they're going to have students walk single file in the hallways, strict seating on buses, staggered recreation time in the schoolyard, basically a prison where you learn gee omet.

and there are new rules for bullies. from now on, all wet willies must be dry daryls. our plan is to pull the kids out of school all together and hope they become reality tv stars. a lot of people are wondering which of the many changes we've made to our lives during this pandemic are going to carry over when things go back to normal, like, will the hometown buffet still exist? will children sit on santa's lap at christmas? will we bob for apples at halloween? i've been thinking about all the things that have to go. and i have to say one thing i hope the virus does kill is the penny. that's right, the penny. that little one-cent coin that rattles around in the bottom of your cup holder ofner nissan sentra. if we're giving up high-fives and handshakes, the penny has to go. handing someone a $20 bill is almost the same as licking them

on the face, but at least a $20 bill is worth $20. a penny buys you nothing. it's a hundred dre100th of a do. basically, the government is manufacturing shiny little pieces of garbage at a loss. while we're at it, the nickel can go, too. i'm calling on the government to give us a brighter future, something to look forward to. kill the penny. kill the penny, nix the nickel and put the dime on notice while you're at it, too. dime's up. this is what our penny-colored president is up to. while racial injustice is tearing this country apart, he is going to war with twitter. earlier this week, twitter labeled one of trump's many lies as potentially misleading and linked it to aninews articles showing it was misleading. he claims that voting by mail

will result in an avalanche of anti-trump voter fraud. so today he picked up his presidential sharpie and signed an executive order that would limit legal protection foresocial media companies. >> i'm signing an executive order to protect and uphold the free speech and rights of the american people. currently social media giants like twitter receive an unprecedented liability shield, based on the theory that they're a neutral platform, which they are not. not an editor with a viewpoint. my executive order calls for new regulations under section 230 of the communications decency act to make it that social media companies that engage in censoring or any political conduct will not be able to keep their liability shield. that's a big deal. >> jimmy: this is crazy. this would be like if he declared war on ar byes, embassy

they said there are 550 calories in his curly fries. in a nutshell, the president is mad at an app on his phone and is using the power of his office to retaliate. this is what's on his mind as the death toll from a virus is over 100,000 now, and people are rioting in the streets. he told reporters today he would shut down twitter if his attorneys could find a way, because they're limiting his freedom of speech, which is obviously insane. he is mr. twitter. and by the way, if he's so mad at twitter, why doesn't he stop using it? he can't, because he loves it, he loves mashing those angry little thumbs. this is funny. yesterday trump retweeted a video from his pet frog lou dobbs who hilariously declared him to be arguably the best president in our history. this was posted mockingly by a user named andrew lawrence. after trump retweeted it, andrew lawrence changed his screen name

to trump is dumb, sloppy and moist. now i don't know about moist, but i have noticed something odd about donald trump, odder than usual even. and when i see him on tv i have a hard time thinking of anything else. our president is lopsided. when he stands up straight, it isn't straight, he's kind of offkilter. he's bent. here he is in a room. here he is at a rally. with the gangsta-lean going there, on the lawn. and he has the nerve to call hillary crooked. he looks like an upside down bowling pin teetering on the edge of the gutter. it would seem the bone spurs have finally spread throughout his whole body. this has been another terrible week, and our government is terrible and the world is terrible and everything is terrible and i think we all need a boost. so, against the advice of doctors, against the advice of the cdc, i invited a friend to come to my house. this is someone who i think can

cheer anyone up, and i want to introduce you to him now, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, say hello to upbeat bobby. bobby? ♪ >> hey, everybody! upbeat bobby here. heard you're feelin' a little bit down. maybe you guys would like to see a magic trick. i said maybe you'd like to see a magic trick. >> jimmy: yes, do a trick! >> all right, okay. so i have here a penny. this is one of the ones jimmy wants to go. watch very closely. let's make it go! a penny is gone. too small to see? all right. i happen to have a clementine in my butt. hmm? hmm. oh, and look at this. what did i find? in your ear. thanks, everybody. hey, i'm headed upstairs to go

jump on the bed. >> jimmy: see, i told you he was great. i feel better already. we have a weird show tonight. when we come back, i'm going to interview my next door neighbor, dakota johnson, over our fence, so stick oh! ♪ >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by wendy's. a tomorrow that says "bay-can." not "bay-can't." ♪ ♪ where fresh eggs rain like... opportunity. ♪ ♪ goodness is spread. ♪ ♪ and the frosty is ccino-ed. tomorrow brings more. like buy-any-of-these- and-get-another- for-just-a-dollar kind of more. no matter what, tomorrow's lookin' good! tomorrow also available today. when visible set out to create the future of phone service... we tossed the stuff that wasn't working. and kept the stuff that was working. like verizon's 4g lte network.

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no, we'll not get a diploma or a degree of any kind. but we are entering a new chapter in our lives. our confidence is shaken; our hearts cracked. the kind of a crack that comes from the loss of a job; from life plans falling apart. we didn't ask for it... but we are rising to meet it. and how far we've come isn't even close to how far we can go. we just have to remember how patient we were... how strong we can be. (how strong you can be.) and remember this; there's a crack in everything for a reason. how else can the light get in? ♪ tomorrow starts today.

tomorrow when visible set out to create the future of phone service...

we tossed the stuff that wasn't working. and kept the stuff that was working. like verizon's 4g lte network. meet visible. unlimited data, messages and minutes. just $25 for your first month. join us at visible.com. >> jimmy: hey, i'm in my back yard. tomorrow sean penn will join us. my guest tonight is a bigtime hollywood star and a hell of a next neighbor, too. her new movie, "the high note," is available on vod starting friday. joining us now from over the fence, dakota johnson. hey, dakota! oh, there she is. >> oh, hey. >> jimmy: are you gardening? >> yeah.

>> jimmy: is that your gardening ensemble? >> yeah, i was just about ready to wet my plants. >> jimmy: i think my daughter has that same outfit. >> no, i asked if i could borrow it. it fits her better than me. >> jimmy: what's going on over there? is anything happening fun over there? >> not exactly. fun stuff is not happening over here. >> jimmy: fun stuff is not happening over here either. >> is anything happening fun over here? >> jimmy: sometimes my son says penis, and that's the highlight of the day. >> it's the highlight of my day if anyone says "penis" in my house. >> jimmy: did you know you have cameras pointed at your house? we're socially distanced. we're at least 12 feet apart. do you have food? do you need anything? do you need toilet paper or anything like that? >> i'm okay at this moment, but if you have food already made

for tonight, i'll take it, because i'm hungry. >> jimmy: i actually made chicken legs, do you like chicken? >> chicken legs? >> sure. >> jimmy: yeah, drumsticks. >> that's a different way to say it. chicken legs. it's really like savage. >> jimmy: that's what it comes to over here. >> well, when bush comes to shove. >> jimmy: of all the neighbors you've had in your life -- >> you're the best one. >> jimmy: am i the best one? >> yeah. >> jimmy: thank you, appreciate that. that's nice of you to say >> i'm trying to think, have i had bad neighbors? the ones on the other side -- >> jimmy: when you were kids, didn't you live next to hunter thompson? >> he and my dad were best friends. he was like always at the house doing super normal stuff. >> jimmy: would you have conversations with hunter thompson? >> yeah, and he would bring

bizarre gifts like bird callers or goggles or like a fishing rod. >> jimmy: did you ever have bullets flying by the bounce house? >> yeah, we did, not the bounce, because we didn't have a bounce house, but he used to come into the driveway at like 3:00 in the morning and shoot his gun off to let us know he was there. i mean, them, i was asleep. i was asleep. >> jimmy: so i am easily the best neighbor. oh, your dog's over there. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i started to get nervous. >> we put some stuff into this fence so he wouldn't go into your yard anymore. >> jimmy: he's welcome in the yard. the kids would be more than happy to -- >> that was so cute when you guys came over, when jane came over in her pajamas. >> jimmy: i was thinking about your grandmother, tippi hedren who still has big cats. living at her house. >> yeah. >> jimmy: when i saw that joe exotic. i would assume she does not approve of the joe exotic lifestyle. >> no.

>> this is uncomfortable. it smells. it smells like feet. i think it came from a bizarro runway. >> jimmy: did you have that in your closet? >> yes. >> jimmy: you did. you don't have any tigers at that house? >> in here? they're all inside right now. >> jimmy: have you ever had roommates? have you ever had a situation where you've had to live with other people? >> yes. >> jimmy: i'm not talking about a boyfriend. i'm talking about a roommate. >> i lived with my first boyfriend out of high school. and one night his friend, he was like he's going to sleep on the couch. and then like seven months later, he was still sleeping on the couch. >> jimmy: that's a long nap. >> that's a long journey. we had like a tiny apartment. i had no money, i was like 20 years old.

he was 6'7", and that's not like a cool amount of space to take up in any couch but also in any room. it's so much space. and so every few weeks, i'd be like, tobias, are you going to -- >> jimmy: say good-byeas? and he always stayed. >> he stayed for a long time. he's an amazing songwriter, actually. >> jimmy: oh, you keep in touch with him. >> yeah. he now has his own amazing house. >> jimmy: you should go crash that place for seven months. >> i should. it should be when you guys have parties and don't invite me, i'll go there and stay at his house. >> jimmy: so every night we've been highlighting a charity. and you've picked which charity tonight? >> the world food program. >> jimmy: the world food program. at wfp.org. i'll be making a donation to world food program and other neighbors hopefully will make a donation. >> that would be cool. i feel bad that i said the other

ones suck. it would be great that you made a donation. you don't suck today. >> jimmy: we did have some problems with the neighbors. i think that's smoothed over, right? >> yeah, i had to rent a garage to put my truck in, which is absolute [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: they had your grandfather's truck towed and now you're renting a garage. >> and they never owned up to it. do you remember that night? it was nuts. i lost my mind. >> jimmy: they did tell me it was them. >> they did? did they say they saw the show? >> jimmy: yeah. >> oh, my god many i'm going to have to stay in the house for a while. >> jimmy: if you get lonely come down to the fence. >> i will come down to the shrub for a chat. >> jimmy: "high note" on demand. dakota johnson, my neighbor. thank you, dakota, we'll be right back. >> thank you! that go out today get delivered. there are people who can only get food from amazon. when you come into work, that's what drives you.

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♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house. and before we go any further, i'd like to take a moment to talk to you about something that's very important to me. maybe it's something that's important to you. >> ooh wow yeah, can't wait to hear what this is. i love your p.o.b., jimmy. >> jimmy: molly? >> it's not molly. it's me, lentils. >> jimmy: lentils? lentils from the kitchen lentils? >> yeah, lentils from the kitchen lentils. remember me? >> jimmy: oh, right. i forgot i put you in there. how have you been? >> oh, i'm great. i'm awesome jimmy. i'm so, so good just in this cupboard. actually i don't want to fight.

i kinda just wanna know what happened? because last we spoke i remember we were in the supermarket and you turned to your wife and you said "let's get some lentils." that was years ago. >> jimmy: didn't i use you to make some kind of soup once? i used like a handful of you? jimmy, can i speak for a second? in 2017, you looked at me, lifted me and put me right back on the shelf. that was the last time you even touched me. that was the last time i was even touched, do you know how hard that is? >> jimmy: i feel like you're reading too much into this. i feel like you're going a little bit overboard. >> oh,. i love when a man tells me how i should be feeling and that i shouldn't trust my emotions. you know, jimmy? i hear what your kids call me. the girl said i taste like doo doo.

>> jimmy: that's jane, and, yes. that was out of line. >> it was disgusting and reprehensible, and she should have been punished. but i'm not here to teach you how to parent. i moved with you. why did you pay movers to pack a bag of lentils you don't even like? that is psychotic behavior. that's insanity. and then not to eat me after that, it's like, whoa. >> jimmy: i guess i just haven't had an appetite for lentils. >> wow. okay. wow, wow, wow, jimmy, wow. >> jimmy: i didn't mean it like that. i didn't mean to offend you. >> no, no, no, you said it, girlfriend. you heard it here, jimmy kimmel is too famous to eat lentils. >> jimmy: that is not true. i did not say that. >> i know, i know you're not used to hearing this, jimmy. i don't care that you're famous. you know what i care about?

treating others with kindness, yeah, that means something to me. respect. i also like respect. maybe some type of morality is cool. >> jimmy: what can i do to make it up to you? i feel like we're going in circles here. >> are you for real this time? you actually want to do this? >> jimmy: yeah, what can i do. >> maybe just say "i love you. "and you are worthy of love." that would be a good start. >> jimmy: fine. i love you and you are worthy of love, lentils. okay? thank you. >> i don't know. i don't buy it. i feel like you're acting again. >> jimmy: well, i'm not acting, i mean it. how about tonight, i cook you up with some chicken broth? throw an a little tomato in there. >> honestly -- sorry, i just did not wanted to cry. i just waited so long. that would mean a lot to me.

>> jimmy: i forgot, we're having pizza tonight. maybe next -- >> you dirty bitch. i knew you'd double cross me. >> jimmy: we'll be right back. >> if letterman had bought me none of this would have happened. letterman was a good host and a good man. you're not, you're done, jumpy. you're done, girlfriend. you're done. >> dicky: this episode of jimmy kimmel live from his house is brought to you by leftovers. like what you had yesterday? have it again. leftovers, same food but colder. and shouting] g [cymbals clanging] [knocking] room for seven. and much, much more. the first-ever glb. get 0% apr financing up to 36 months on most models,

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that's all the time we have, i want to thank dakota john s j my neighbor. "nightline" is next, we'll see you tomorrow night. same fat channel, same fat time. ♪ by car, by bike and by foot. protestors demonstrate in solidarit over racial injustice. >> we spoke to an activist to advise the governor of police reform. whenhein will ease.

the weekend forecast is coming up. >> one cause has has has area this friday. some participated by foot others bay car. even a rolling demonstration by bike. >> all of them protesting the killings of black people across the nation by police. >> in the south bay protestors pea peacefully march through the steet of san jose. eventually to city hall. and held a die in to remember taylor. shot and killed in her apartment in march in kentucky. today would have been her 27th birthday. >> horns honking. protesto d