burr. see you tomorrow. ♪ ba, da, ba, da, ba, da, ba, da ba, da, ba, da ♪ ♪ jimmy kimmel live ♪ ♪ >> this is ridiculous. >> jimmy: hi. i am jimmy. welcome to my home, my workplace, my gym, my restaurant, my little pony. whatever you need, we have it all. we are now in the fourth month of quarantine, which is crazy. but life is slowly coming back. we're opening things up for better or worse here in california. on friday in l.a., they opened museums and gyms. which makes no sense to me. first of all, who needs to go to a museum? if i don't see a woolly mammoth statue stuck in sludge, am i gonna go nuts? and secondly, who would go to the gym right now? i'm not going to the gym during a pandemic. or after a pandemic. i'm just not going to the gym

ever again. donald trump had quite a weekend. he put on a bigly presentation at west point on saturday, where he showed up to give a commencement speech whether the graduates wanted it or not. the cadets at west point were sent home in march because of the virus. for safety reasons. but then trump decided he wanted to give a speech in person and so all the cadets were ordered to return to campus and stay in quarantine for two weeks. they were literally a captive audience. so our commander in beef could pretend he's in charge of the military. and of course some of the cadets wound up testing positive for the virus, but what is most important is that donald trump had an audience for what turned out to be a historic speech. no president in the history of this country has ever taken a weirder drink of water than this. [ applause ] is that one of the side effects

of hydroxy? what is up with his hand? did he hurt it holding the bible upside-down? let's look at that again. because there is clearly something going on with his arm. it's weak. and this is not the first time we've seen this. this is from november of 2017, you see he opened the bottle but then he needed two hands to drink it. and the next month, it happened again. he's like a witch sipping out of a goblet of toadstools. and he had another weird move on memorial day. now watch here. everybody folding their arms, so he folds his arms. but then gives it a weak shake. is possible that, like many former members of his staff, his arm just doesn't want to work with him anymore? his arm is like, "listen, you used me to grab women, to tweet lies, to shovel mcnuggets into that bloat hole, to sharpie a hurricane, i've had enough. i quit. i'm joining my friend penis and going limp." remember when trump made fun of

marco rubio drinking water? >> it's rubio! >> jimmy: oh, he's so talented. that is from the spray tan collar comedy tour. and then as if the water thing wasn't weird enough for one speech, he took a very strange walk down a ramp, did you see this? show that clip. ♪ no, that's -- i think that's the wrong clip. no, i need the clip of the president from west point on saturday. this was a big topic online this weekend. so after his speech, he shakes hands with the lieutenant general, who gives him a wave, and then down he goes. very slowly tippy-tapping down the ramp. tentatively. like he's walking barefoot on sharp rocks. maybe the bone spurs are acting up? everyone was wondering what was

going on. we found out, it turns out he still had his clown shoes on. that was weird, right? we can only hope he steps down that gracefully after november. so they post the video and everyone goes nuts and our unstable genius can't take it. instead of just letting it go, ramplestiltskin tweets, "the ramp that i descended after my west point commencement speech was very long and steep, had no handrail and, most importantly, was very slippery. the last thing i was going to do is fall for the fake news to have fun with. final ten feet i ran down to level ground. momentum." final ten feet, he ran down? no, he did not. and the idea that the ramp was slippery seems suspect considering there was not a cloud in the sky. maybe some curly fries fell out of his pocket on the way up? trump is very defensive about anything that makes him look weak. he doesn't wear a mask, he's too

strong to get coronavirus. "i wasn't in the bunker for protection, i was inspecting it." "i wasn't shuffling down that ramp like an old man, it was slippery and i ran down it. also the ramp was covered in banana peels and there were many snakes. i am braver than every soldier." we wrote that, but it isn't out of the realm of possibility. and by the way, for all the fun donald makes of him, this was joe biden going up that same ramp at west point in 2016. at the time biden was 73, which is the same age trump was on saturday. so slow and sleepy wins the race. trump is now 74 years old because he had a birthday sunday, which is something he of course couldn't help but mention in his speech. >> tomorrow, america will celebrate a very important anniversary. the 245th birthday of the united states army. unrelated, going to be my

birthday also. i don't know if that happened by accident. did that happen by accident, please? >> jimmy: yes, it did. by the way, june 14th was also the date the first monkey was launched into space. june 14th, 1949. that was not a coincidence. but on sunday donald trump turned 74. 74 years ago yesterday, rosemary had a baby. and that little baby grew into a bigger baby. and now that big old baby is our president. here in l.a., we celebrated his birthday exactly the way trump would have wanted us to. we had an all black lives matter pride march. but in florida and san diego, they took to the sea, celebrating with a parade of boats. statues of donald trump, donald trump blow-up dolls. not intended to be used as a flotation device. where's that sharknado when you need it? trump's family went all out for daddy's big day, too.

he got a card from his daughter, thank you for every job i've ever had, love, ivanka. jared's card said, i'm a mannequin standing in front of an orangutan. emotion, jared kushner. here's one from melania, happy birthday to best husband, get away. from the senate, dear mr. president, happy birthday from the bottom of my pouch. your succubus, mitch. and from his predecessor, there's a term for guys like you. but not two terms. happy birthday, barack obama. and from another rival, after prayer and consideration, i've decided not to wish you a happy birthday, mitt romney. and from joe biden, here's the deal, jack, i'm going to clean your clock in november. joe biden. p.s., where did i put my teeth? and this one, dads like you are

an endangered species, but we promise not to shoot. love, eric and don junior. and from tiffany, here's my routing number. and finally, trump's most loyal admirer said, hope you have a ball on your birthday. you already have both of mine. woof, woof. mike pence. that's nice. we need to take a break. when we come back, the very funny bill burr will join us. so stick around. ♪ >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by progressive. whoo! don't do it. don't you dare. i don't think so! [ sighs ] it's okay, big fella. we're gonna get through this together. nice rip, robbie. ♪ raaah!

when you bundle home and auto insurance through progressive, you get more than just a big discount. i'm gonna need you to leave. you get relentless protection. [ baseball bat cracks ] you get relentless protection. good mormore treatment? we're going to try something different today. hi! awwww, so pretty. dogs bring out the good in us. pedigree® brings out the good in them. contactless delivery tarright to your door,very- designed for your day. so you can work out, join in, and game on. just download the target app and try it today.

use yogurt or milk to soothe your skin or you could use schick hydro silk with hypoallergenic serum for the smooth shave we all deserve. schick hydro silk you are. cause frosted mini wheats are made to fill people up. and they have 10 layers of wheat and seven vitamins and minerals. just one bowl and you're good till lunch. hit it, charlie! ♪matthew, say's to bring it back.

the five-dollar footlong. better choice for matthew. it's back sandwich emoji.♪ five-dollar footlongs are back when you buy two. for a limited time. five-dollar footlongs are back when you buy two. how do you gaveeno® happy 24/7? with prebiotic oat. it hydrates and softens skin. so it looks like this. and you feel like this. aveeno® daily moisturizer get skin healthy™ let's be honest. quitting smoking is hard. like, quitting every monday hard. quitting feels so big. so try making it smaller, and you'll be surprised at how easily starting small can lead to something big. start stopping with nicorette.

♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live from my house." tomorrow night, the incredible hulk, mark ruffalo, will be with us. we will honor a health care hero. and later this week, sarah paulson, jeffrey ross, and pharrell williams. our guest tonight is one of the funniest guys there is. he's got an animated show, "f is for family" on netflix, you can listen to his podcast, and see him woo marisa tomei in the new judd apatow movie, "the king of staten island." it's available now on vod. hello, bill burr, how are you doing? >> what's going on, jimmy? >> jimmy: oh, you know. >> just sitting in the house?

>> jimmy: you know, i admire the fact that you've chosen to wear the giant, old-timey headphones for this and not the little ones. >> i hate those, my ears are messed up from playing drums. i think i got these at a radio shack or best buy. am i supposed to have the little straws that people have coming out? i would lose those in a second. >> jimmy: by the way, i want to mention, because you -- i drove by your house a few months ago at the beginning of this quarantine. and at the time, you said you weren't really missing doing stand-up. how are you feeling three months later? >> now i miss it. i think i missed it then, i just wasn't in touch with it. it was like i got dumped. i don't care, i don't need stand-up anyway. now, i don't know. >> jimmy: you probably would have been home because your wife just had a baby, right? maybe a couple of weeks ago. not too long ago.

>> a week and a half ago, she gave me a beautiful baby boy. i have a daughter and a son now. it's awesome. and fortunately, he seems to be emotionally wired like my wife. he's totally chill. he just kind of cries when he is hungry. >> jimmy: i have bad news for you. i happen to have a billy at home. he seemed totally chill, but now he's a full-fledged maniac. >> that's what parents do. my daughter is chill, they go, you know what that means. they take out the warm goat's milk, start looking at the stars, and always predict something horrible will happen. and whatever age their kid is, if your kid is younger, it's like, oh, you are at 17 weeks? wait until 18 weeks. you ever think maybe you suck at being a parent? or maybe the dna -- >> jimmy: no.

>> maybe you made a little serial killer. maybe that's what you did. i bet jeffrey dahmer's parents are like, wait until he discovers animals. you catch him taking apart a grasshopper to see how its wings work and all that crap. it's like, they didn't realize jeffrey would eat people someday. >> jimmy: you might have a point. he's not eating people. >> i definitely have a point. i definitely have a point. people always trying to get, also, if you have an interracial kid, people are always trying to guess what it will look like. all these wild things. it's either going to be really good-looking or really weird-looking. dude, look around, most people are weird-looking. look at me, i'm a 100% white dude. i'm a weird-looking dude. you know what i mean? the best dogs are mixed dogs. they're the chillest dogs. i'm telling you. >> jimmy: you're absolutely right on that. >> that's why in england, the royal family, that's why they're

all so weird-looking. they're all banging in the same pool. they're like a bunch of dalmatians that can talk. >> jimmy: that's right. >> that are purebred lunatics. >> jimmy: i want to ask you about dalmatians. because you play a firefighter in "the king of staten island." i'm assuming you did some kind of training or a ridealong. >> i did the actor version. it was about four hours, plenty of bottles of water, little fans. we went to the the island just north of roosevelt island where they train them, i forget the name. we went into a building, had to go in twice, once to fight the fire, another time to crawl through a smoky room. we wore the actual gear with oxygen, and just going up a flight of stairs, i felt like i was in "my 600-pound life." i thought my heart was coming out of my chest.

then the next time, you had to do the smoke thing, and go up two flights of stairs. it was really claustrophobic. but when we did the movie, they did the actor version of the suit, they took the oxygen out of the tank, that's seven, eight pounds off your back. >> jimmy: got you. yeah. >> i think i had a john barbados fireman jacket on or something. there was craft service, we could take a break whenever we wanted to. so it was definitely -- and judd was also, he understood it was the last week of july, it was hot as hell in the bronx. that's where we shot that. he made sure to keep it moving, getting people in and out. >> jimmy: you did a great job in the movie, and you have a fantastic mustache. let's take a look at the mustache. it's almost yosemite sam-esque. is that real, is that your own hair? >> yes, it is. yes, it is.

>> jimmy: good stuff. >> you just told me to stop shaving. we started shooting in june, that's like two months. but when it was a beard, i looked like a hipster. i had a clean-shaved head, and this scraggly-looking thing. >> jimmy: if you were making me an espresso, i wouldn't be surprised. >> i kind of looked like i was in the gay s&m stuff. what was funny, when we first started shooting, and june is pride month in new york city. >> jimmy: right. >> there was an extra amount of gay guys in there. and i got to tell you, i didn't get one look. i got nothing. i'm officially -- i'm old to everybody now. >> jimmy: we're going to turn that around. we're going to take a break. bill burr is with us from "the king of staten island." we'll be right back.

hold on one second... sure. okay... okay! safe drivers save 40%!!! guys! guys! check it out. safe drivers save 40%!!! safe drivers save 40%! safe drivers save 40%!!! that's safe drivers save 40%. it is, that's safe drivers save 40%. - he's right there. - it's him! he's here. he's right here. - hi! - hi. hey! - that's totally him. - it's him! that's totally the guy. safe drivers do save 40%. click or call for a quote today. i'm an associate here at amazon. step onto the blue line, sir. this device is giving us an accurate temperature check. you're good to go. i have to take care of my coworkers. that's how i am. i have a son, and he said, "one day i'm gonna be like you, i'm gonna help people." you're good to go, ma'am. i hope so. this is my passion. if i can take of everyone who is sick out there,

i would do it in a heartbeat. new force flex plus, bright colors febreze freshness. new force flex plus, bright colors at mercedes-benz, nothing service will do.-class that's why we're expanding your range of choices. many dealers now offer optional pick-up & delivery and at-home maintenance, as well as online shopping with home delivery and special finance arrangements. so, whether you visit your local dealer or prefer the comfort of home you can count on the very highest level of service. get 0% apr financing up to 36 months on most models, and 90-day first-payment deferral on any model.

when we closed our wynn committed instantly to keeping all 15,000 team members on-board.

we then focused our five-star level of service to all who needed it. we made improvements to people's lives. we strove to be better and we made people happy. this closure may have temporarily taken us out of wynn and encore, but it couldn't take the wynn and encore out of us. and now, we are proud to welcome you back.

♪ ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live from my house." bill burr is with us from his house. he has a new baby at home. were you in the delivery room, did they let you in? or because of covid are they not allowing that? >> because of covid, it was like "a bronx tale." once you go in, you can't leave. >> jimmy: were you of any help? >> no, and i shouldn't be, i'm not a doctor. when you go to jiffy lube, are you of any help? do you get underneath the car? that's not my job, i got her there before she had the kid, and then i pay the bills. so yes, i was of help. >> jimmy: your show, "f is for family," it's very funny. you have mike from "breaking bad." is that where you met him? >> jonathan banks. >> jimmy: jonathan banks, yeah,

he's on the show now. >> and my family were huge fans of him all the way back to "beverly hills cop," he was the heavy that shakes down axel foley. spoiler alert if you haven't seen it, it's, like, 40 years old. he shakes down axel's friend. hey, mikey. did you get lost? remember that guy? that's him. >> jimmy: i didn't realize that. wow. >> in my house, that was a catch phrase. if you were late for dinner, what happened, mikey, did you get lost? that meant you were in trouble. you were going to get whacked or whatever. he was so cool to meet, got to know him. just a great guy. and now he's doing the cartoon. >> jimmy: so each night we have a charity. you chose st. jude's children's research hospital. a great organization, they do so many great things for children and families who need it. i'm going to make a donation in your honor.

st. jude.org is the website, if you want to join me. bill burr, "king of staten island," "f is for family," and a very funny podcast. thank you, and congratulations on the baby. >> all right, jimmy, thank you, buddy. >> jimmy: we'll be right back. ♪ add some resistance. sara, your movie plus trial is about to expire. do you want to continue or cancel? ♪ ca upital one knpdatu ab. and helps you fix them. another way capital one is watching out for your money when you're not. what's in your wallet?

the wind in your hair... the feeling of freedom that drives us to go out and discover.. at chevy, we're committed to getting you there with confidence and peace of mind. that's why your chevy clean dealers commit to using enhanced vehicle cleaning measures with cdc-approved cleansers. if you need a new equinox, get 0% apr for 72 months or, four thousand five hundred dollars cash allowance on most models. you may even shop online and take delivery at home where available. so you can find new roads with confidence. and take delivery at home where available. thank you to everyone who worked together over the last few months to help each other out. like our fans who colored this commercial while staying safe at home. beautiful. isn't it, red? i mean pink. i mean teal.

i mean whatever is goiright to your car, sida your taste. so quick and easy. just download the target app today. ((cat 2) flook at that!! (cat 1) it's made with real farm-raised chicken! (cat 2) i gotta get my paws on that! (cat 1) it's friskies farm favorites! (cat 2) the winning farm-ula. (woman vo) feed their fantasy. ♪ friskies (cat 1) look! friskies ocean favorites! yum!

if yoyou'll get 2 vyears or 20,000 miles of scheduled carefree maintenance. 3 years or 36,000 miles of 24/7 roadside assistance. 4 years or 50,000 miles bumper-to-bumper limited warranty. 5 years of connected services. and for 6 years you won't have paid any interest. down the road, you'll be grateful you bought a volkswagen today.

♪ >> jimmy: that's all the time we have, i want to thank mike burr. "nightline" is next, if you need me, i'll be right here watching you sleep. ♪

this is "nightline." tonight, small businesses, struggling to survive the pandemic. >> how are they going to feed their families? >> seeking help from the government, at times falling flat on promises of financial relief. now we follow the money, why some businesses walked away loans they didn't need, while many of the most vulnerable got nothing. plus, cases of covid-19 surging to their highest level in the u.s. in months. nearly 35,000 cases in one day. now the otherwise healthy patients stuck with long-term symptoms, leaving doctors stumped. >> you think you've beat it. and then you have