thanks for joining us. >> we appreciate your time. . >> dicky: from hollywood, it's jimmy kimmel live with guest host, whitney cummings. tonight, eric andre, and music from rema. and now, whitney cummings. >> whitney: welcome to "jimmy kimmel live." i'm whitney cummings, your guest host for tonight. i'm here because for a woman to host a network talk show, a man has to go on vacation. kidding, i'm here because jimmy didn't want to get covid. i'm fine, just so you know. hlt health wise. i did take a couple covid tests. and as a lady, i gotta say, it's nice to take a test for something that could destroy my life and not have to pee on it. thanks, science. anyway, i feel like the reason they picked me to do this is because i'm the only comedian who hasn't been canceled which is so weird.

i probably should have been. a long time ago. i've said crazy things, but they're all on comedy central, so no one can find them. if you want to cancel me, i think you actually have to buy a vcr on craigslist. godspeed. i feel like if you guys did tune in to see jimmy and were surprised to see someone like me hosting instead, it's probably like when guys are on a plane and see a female pilot walk on board. at first, they're like "look at her go. okay, yeah. we have a female pilot. how neat." then as soon as they shut the door, they're like, "there's at least one man in there, right, to do the important stuff like, you know, flying the plane?" don't panic. there is a man here, literally one. he's operating the camera. it's a wild situation. i mean this is insane. i showed up to a random house and a guy in a mask is filming me. i don't know if he even works here. if he's the only person who's

going to see this footage. but we're keeping our fixers crossed. i hope it doesn't seem like i'm complaining, even though with my voice, everything sounds like i'm complaining. this house is gorgeous. i still find it amazing how, in hollywood, you can just rent some mansion for the day and shoot whatever you want. yep, as long as you're wearing a mask or a condom, california is open for business. this really is just some random house in hollywood. i've lived in this town 15 years. i've been "invited to a house" to "shoot a tv show" many times, but this is the first time i showed up it was actually a tv show. fool me twice danny masterson, shame on me. that is the first moment when things get weird with this no-audience thing. because i have no idea how that landed. i have no idea if you're laughing or cringing. the audience can tell you if that was the greatest joke

ever told, or i could lose everything. i guess we'll ever know. can't wait to find out tomorrow on twitter. anyway, back to me. like most americans, i live in los angeles, but i'm originally from washington dc, where, which i'm sure you heard is making a big push for statehood. dc has always wanted this. our license plates say "taxation without representation." it's the only passive aggressive license plate. you'll never be driving around oregon and see a license plate that says "oregon, some sun would be nice." or florida "if you can read this, you're probably not from florida." stop right there. i'm not making fun of florida. don't think i'm being mean to florida. i love florida. not as much as coronavirus loves florida, but i love it. some of my favorite pregnancies happened in florida. so i don't want to slam florida. i'd rather get back to making fun of washington, d.c. as you know the football team is finally taking a stand and changing the name of the redskins. i will say, in their defense,

back when they named the team the redskins, it was only very racist. but i also have to give credit where credit is due, out of respect for native americans, the redskins have kept their name out of super bowl lineups for nearly 30 years. honestly, they're probably just psyched to not be talking about concussions? i'm fascinated when the nfl takes a moral or benevolent stand on something. remember when all the players had the pink ribbons on for breast cancer? that was always so wild to me because that was so clearly a pr move. some publicists sat them down and were like, "we are getting some bad press. we need to align with a charity to help our reputation so we need to pick a cause. what do you guys care about? what's important to you? what's on your mind?" they were like, "boobs?" we heard some were in danger. you know women get other kinds

of cancer right? we do have other body parts. heart disease #1 killer of women. they were like "what about a ribbon for heart disease?" they were like, "isn't that where the feelings come from?" that's gonna get me in trouble. whatever. i felt the internet preparing to cancel me. everything gets everyone in trouble now. people now can find anything to be divided about like the fact that people have managed to politicize wearing a face mask in a pandemic. and it makes me so angry because i don't have the power to force everyone to do this one small thing that saves lives. but what i do have are a very particular set of skills. skills i have acquired over a very long career. i can roast these fools on national television. >> it's the roast of maskless idiots with roast master, , whwe'vthe chico's all lisl and

cops on the security guards. this looks like a casting call for a lifetime movie about women who drown their kids in a station wagon. now, let's take a look at this dumb moron. nothing like empty rolls of toilet paper jammed on your head to let people know you've got actual [ bleep ] for brains. dude, what is on your face? you look like a sea turtle stuck in a six pack ring. also, cool bracelet! i think we can move on. what this guy should have done with his sharpie is color in the parts of his head where the plugs didn'taki t it.rying a int masks are just making us feel safe, when it turns out you're not really safe at all. kind of like the feeling you get when you date a guy who can write stuff backwards in a mirror. you creep. anyway.

have you ever just wanted to drive your car straight into a wall? my guess is he only bought this expensive suit because he was told mexico would pay for it. why won't guys just wear masks? it helps you get chicks. put on the mask. there's a strong chance we'll flirt with you because we'll think you're a surgeon. it's like seeing a girl in a hooters shirt, she probably works there and even if she doesn't, that girl's a party. now, this next genius is holding a sign that says "i will not mask my unborn child." oh honey. you're not wearing a mask in a pandemic. you're never gonna see i feel like this is probably a good time to point out that the opinions expressed here tonight are my own. i don't want jimmy getting any backlash and more importantly any credit for anything you hear tonight. anyway i'm obsessed with this woman.

i can't wrap my head around how she hates science, but loves a fun orange slide. this summer, beat the heat with open toes and an open casket. it's amazing to me that some women refuse to wear a mask. which is wild. it's like, metal underwire bras that stabs our boobs for twelve hours and digs into our rib cage? fine. a polyester string that saws up into our crevices? absolutely. but a soft piece of cloth that stops an invisible, and possibly deadly virus? back off [ bleep ], i'll spit on your baby! so, it's been about eight minutes which is more than enough time for a woman to be talking at you so we're going to take a break and be back with music from the amazing rema. and i will be joined by my very funny friend eric andre so get ready to see a naked man. see you soon.

>> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by burger king.

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♪ >> whitney: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live." i'm whitney bummings. tonight on the show, he just released a compilation with three new singles. his videos get tens of millions of views online. and he apple music's up next artist. music from rema is on the way. tomorrow night, my favorite millionaire grump, sebastian maniscalco will assume guest hosting responsibilities. and ghosting responsibilities. he never texts me back. he'll be joined by kelly ripa and ryan seacrest as well as nfl star j.j. watt. my guest tonight is a comedian who finally lost his stand-up

special virginity to a lucky lady named netflix. it's called "legalize everything" and it's available now. please welcome eric andre. >> thank you, whitney cummings. what up? boo-yah! >> whitney: this is kind of intimate, oddly, because i've been doing zoom dates in quarantine. but this is not a date, to be clear. >> in real life? >> whitney: i've been doing zoom dates. this is an interview for a talk show. this isn't a date. >> have you really gone on a zoom date? >> whitney: yeah, many. you haven't? >> i got a girlfriend. i got on dates live. >> whitney: no, i've been going on zoom dates, which it's better, you can control the lighting. >> at that point, i'd just

rather get corona. >> whitney: i was talking to one of the producers who said you got your mom high recently? >> yeah. i smoked weed with my mom. she's 700 years old. the last time she smoked weed was 1959. she was, like, i tried smoking grass in the '50s, and it burned my throat. so she took a 50, 60-year break and now i'm getting her lit. >> whitney: how did it go? what kind of high was she? >> she did not like it. she's like me, we started playing scrabble and she got all dizzy, and she went, my mouth is dry, is that part of the appeal? then i got her some wine. she's like, give me my wine please, she likes like, 7-eleven wine. >> whitney: sutter home, don't knock it. who's on your shirt? >> oprah. oprah winfrey.

>> whitney: if i'm high and looking at a picture of oprah winfrey, i feel like that would be a spiritual experience. >> i want to go on a zoom date with oprah. >> whitney: you're special. i cringed, i screamed, i laughed. i gassed. gasped. it was so fun to watch. >> you're sweet. i want that wit what, are we made of money? whitney gets a robot of herself. >> yeah, there is a bit, i don't want to give it away. there is a bit where you help an audience member work through their childhood trauma. i was screaming. >> thank you. where did you get that robot? teiew me?y: why do you want to

i'm interviewing you, havin aon. >> whitney: this is like a zoom date by the way. you're kind of fun. >> have you dated any comedians? you do not want to talk about that, do you? >> whitney: i have not dated any comedians, no. i dated one that -- >> i have a strict never, i have a strict, never date a comedian policy. >> whitney: no. >> it's already like high school. and i just don't want any, i want a boundary. >> whitney: i'm not trying to date you. you don't have to set this boundary with me. i'm not flirting with you, i'm not interested. you're like, i would never date a female comedian, ever. people are so obsessed with your show. people run up to me on the street and go, do you know eric andre? you're a genius. >> you are sweet. >> whitney: what am i looking at here? >> i got rid of all my body hair, i waxed, i spray tanned, i

suntanned, i gained 20 to 25 pounds. that's me at 205, i'm usually about 180, 185. i bleached my teeth. i wore really nasty brut cologne. i'm doing a body transformation every season and i get recognized more often now, so i wanted to look like vin diesel got run over by a train. i feel like vin diesel when he takes time off between fast and furious movies and he's smokin' cigarettes on a balcony? [ bleep ], i'm between seasons, give me a break. >> whitney: i am obsessed with this. i love when a man in hollywood gains weight, he's like a genius artist. and when a woman gains weight, they just don't get to work

anymore. >> i know, it's not fair. charlize thereon. >> whitney: that's a very good point. you're right. one woman did it, and she got the oscar. >> yeah. there you go. >> whitney: that's what i need to do. i love you. i could talk to you forever and hopefully i'll get to. but for now, these people are going to murder me. >> no worries, i love you so much. >> whitney: legalize, nothing makes me laugh. i went emotionally numb years ago, and their is tis is the on that brought me joy. it is absolutely brilliant, i love you, eric andre. >> i love you, too. >> whitney: get some new wi-fi. i'll have some salsa. when we come back, we have music from rema!

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"jimmy kimmel live." i'm your single serving host, whitney cummings. last year, his song was on obama's summer playlist. now, he's making his late night tv debut. here with the song "iron man," rema! ♪ hmm because i catch cold i dey ♪ ♪ i dey catch cold baby hold my hand make i no go catch cold ♪ ♪ i dey catch cold i dey i dey catch cold baby

hold my hand ♪ ♪ make i no go catch cold let me give you love you the one i want to love ♪ ♪ baby come and sing my song you dey make me wan dey give you more ♪ ♪ girly me adore inner me life you belong tell her baby ♪ ♪ make i ding your dong you dey make my thing dey long ♪ ♪ long baby come make i be your iron man ♪ ♪ you must to be my -- baby you must to be fine baby come make ♪ ♪ i be your iron man follow me go you must to be my -- ♪ ♪ baby you must to be my fine --by man 'aahh aahh' ♪

♪ bend your head and kneels and toes ♪ bend am whine am slow carry your load and go gimme your ♪ bend your head and kneels and toes bend am whine am slow ♪ ♪ carry your and aww oya bend am whine am slow anything you want baby o' ♪ ♪ i go give you love baby o hmm baby o baby o hmm baby o baby o ♪ ♪ anything you want baby o' i go give you love baby o uuh baby o baby o ♪ ♪ hmm baby o

baby come make i be your iron man ♪ ♪ you must to be my -- baby you must to be fine -- baby come make ♪ ♪ i be your iron man follow me gobe ♪ baby you must to be my fine -- baby come make ♪ ♪ i be your iron man man aahh aahh ♪

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♪ >> whitney: that's all the time we have tonight. i'd like to thank eric andre, rema and molly kimmel's husband. sebastian maniscalco will host tomorrow with his guests kelly ripa, ryan seacreast and j.j. watt. "nightline" is next. and i'm being told i have actually been cancelled now so goodnight! on goodnight! on i wked

this is "nightline." tonight, courtroom showdown. jeffrey epstein's alleged partner in crime, ghislaine reti andly fwa she has never sh remorse for her heinous crimes. >> what authorities found when they broke down the door of her new hampshire mansion. plus, the cultural change in america, tearing down racism from the kitchen to kickoff, and "dear white people." >> i'm black. in this society, that is what i. uncomfortable, bot