i'm whitney cummings, your guest host for tonight. i'm here because for a woman to host a network talk show, a man has to go on vacation. i'm kidding, i'm just here because jimmy didn't want to get covid. i'm fine, just so you know, health-wise. i did take a couple covid tests. and as a lady, i gotta say, it's nice to take a test for something that could destroy my life and not have to pee on it. so thanks, science. anyway, i feel like the real reason they picked me to do this is because i'm the only comedian who hasn't been canceled yet, which is so weird. i probably should have been. a long time ago. i've said some very crazy things, but they're all on comedy central, so no one can find them. if you want to cancel me, you literally have to buy a vcr on craigslist. godspeed. i feel like if you guys did tune in to see jimmy and were surprised to see someone like me hosting instead, it's probably like when a guy is on a plane and they see a female pilot walk onboard. at first, they're like, "look at her go. okay, yeah. we have a female pilot. how neat." then as soon as they shut the door, they're like, "there's a

guy in there, right, to do the important stuff like, you know, flying the plane?" don't panic. there is a man here. it's not just me. he's operating the camera. it's an insane situation. i showed up to a random house and a guy in a mask is filming me. i don't know if he even works here. if he's the only person who's ever going to see this footage. but we're keeping our fingers crossed. i hope it doesn't seem like i'm complaining, even though with my voice, everything sounds like i'm complaining. but this house is gorgeous. i still find it amazing how, in hollywood, you can just rent some mansion for the day and shoot whatever you want. as long as you're wearing a mask or a condom, california is open for business. this truly is just some random house in hollywood. i've lived in this town for 15 years. i've been "invited to a house" to "shoot a tv show" many times, but this is the first time i showed up and there is actually

a tv show. fool me twice, danny masterson, shame on me. that is the first moment when things felt weird with this no-audience thing. because i have no idea how that just landed. i don't know if you're laughing or cringing. the audience can tell you if that was the greatest joke ever told, or i could lose everything. i guess we will find out tomorrow on twitter. anyway, back to me. like most americans, i live in los angeles, but i'm originally from washington, d.c., which i'm sure you have heard is making a big push for statehood. d.c. has always wanted this. our license plates say "taxation without representation." it's the only passive-aggressive license plate. you'll never be driving around oregon and see a license plate that says "oregon, some sun would be nice." or, "florida, if you can read this, you're probably not from florida." stop right there.

i'm not making fun of florida. don't think i'm being mean to florida. i love florida. not as much as coronavirus loves florida, but i love it. some of my favorite pregnancies happened in florida. so i don't want to slam florida. i'd like to get back to making fun of washington, d.c. because as you know, the football team is finally taking a stand and changing the name of the redskins. i will say, in their defense, back when they named the team the redskins, it was only very racist. and i also have to give credit where credit is due, out of respect for native americans, the redskins kept their name out of super bowl lineups for nearly 30 years. honestly, i feel like they're probably just psyched to not be talking about concussions. i'm so fascinated when the nfl takes a moral or benevolent stand for something. like, do you remember when they had the pink ribbons on for breast cancer? that was always so wild to me because that was so clearly a pr move.

some publicists sat them down and were like, "we are getting some bad press. we need to align with a charity to help our reputation so we need to pick a cause. so what do you guys care about? everyone was like, "boobs. we heard boobs were in danger." you know women get other kinds of cancer, right? breast cancer, not even the number one killer of women. heart disease, the number one killer of women. they were like, "what about a ribbon for heart disease?" they were like, "isn't that where the feelings come from?" that's gonna get me in trouble. i just felt myself getting canceled. i felt the internet preparing to cancel me. but everything gets everyone in trouble now. people now can find anything to be divided about, like the fact that people have managed to politicize wearing a face mask in a pandemic. it makes me insane because i don't have the power to force

everyone to do this one small thing that saves lives. but what i do have are a very particular set of skills. skills i have acquired over a very long career. i can roast these fools on national television. >> it's the roast of maskless idiots with roastmaster, whitney cummings. >> first up, we've got the chico's all lives matter fall collection. looks like karen-con got off to a slow and rocky start when these women kept calling the cops on the security guards. this looks like a casting call for a lifetime movie about women who drowned their kids in a station wagon. now let's take a look at this dumb moron. nothing like rolls of toilet paper jammed on your head to let people know you've got actual [ bleep ] for brains. dude, what is on your face? he looks like a sea turtle stuck in a six pack ring. also, cool bracelet! i think we can move on. oh, god, this guy.

what this guy should have done with his sharpie is color in the parts of his head where the plugs didn't take. i get it. he's trying to make a point that masks are just making us feel safe, when it turns out they're not really safe at all. yeah, kind of like the feeling you get when you date a guy who can write stuff backwards in a mirror. you creep. anyway, have you ever just wanted to drive your car straight into a wall? my guess is he only bought this expensive suit because he was told mexico would pay for it. why don't guys just wear masks? it actually helps you get chicks. put on a mask. there's a strong chance we'll flirt with you just because we'll think you're a surgeon. it's like seeing a girl in a hooters shirt, she probably works there. and even if she doesn't, that girl is a party. where is the next genius? this one. this one is holding a sign that says, "i will not mask my unborn child." honey.

you're not wearing a mask in a pandemic. you're never gonna see your child. i feel like this is probably a good time to point out that the opinions expressed here tonight are my own. i don't want jimmy getting any backlash and more importantly any credit for anything you hear tonight. anyway, i'm obsessed with this woman. i can't wrap my head around how she hates science, but loves a fun orange slide. this summer, beat the heat with open toes and an open casket. so weird to me that so many women refuse to wear a mask. which is wild. it's like, metal underwire bras for twelve hours and digs into our rib cage? fine. a polyester string that saws up into our crevices? absolutely. but a soft piece of cloth that stops an invisible, and possibly deadly, virus? back off bitch, i'll spit on your baby! ♪ so it's been about eight

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♪ >> whitney: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live." i'm whitney bummings. tonight on the show, he just released a compilation of three new singles. his videos get tens of millions of views online. and he is the apple music's up next artist. music from rema is on the way. tomorrow night, my favorite millionaire grump,

sebastian maniscalco, will assume hosting responsibilities. and ghosting responsibilities. he never texts me back. he'll be joined by kelly ripa and ryan seacrest as well as nfl star j.j. watt. my guest tonight is a comedian who finally lost his stand-up special virginity to a lucky lady named netflix. it's called "legalize everything" and it's available now. please welcome the great eric andre. >> thank you, whitney cummings. what up? boo-yah! >> whitney: this is kind of intimate, oddly, because i've been doing zoom dates in quarantine. but this is not a date, to be clear. >> in real life? in real life? >> whitney: i've been doing zoom dates. i want you to know this is an interview for a talk show. this isn't a date. >> have you really gone on a zoom date? >> whitney: yes, many. you haven't? >> i got a girlfriend. i go on dates live.

>> whitney: no, i've been going on zoom dates, which it's better, you can control the lighting. >> at that point, i'd just want to get corona. zoom dates. what are we doing here? >> whitney: so i was talking to one of the producers who said you got your mom high recently? what's up? >> yeah. i smoked weed with my mom. she's 700 years old. there it is. yes. she's 700 years old. the last time she smoked weed was 1959. she was like, i tried smoking grass in the '50s, and it burned my throat. and so she took a 50, 60-year break and now i'm getting her lit. >> whitney: how did it go? what kind of high was she? >> she did not like it. she's like me, we started playing scrabble and she got all dizzy, and she went, my mouth is dry, is that part of the appeal? then i got her some wine. she's like, give me my wine,

please, she likes, like, 7-eleven wine. >> whitney: sutter home, don't knock it. i have a couple other questions. who's on your shirt? >> in that picture? oprah. oprah winfrey. >> whitney: if i'm high and looking at a sweatshirt of oprah i feel like that would be a spiritual experience. >> i want to go on a zoom date with oprah. >> whitney: your special. i cringed, i screamed, i laughed. i was gasping. it was so fun to watch. >> you're too sweet. you're a sweetheart. i want that whitney robot money for my next special. that's the kind of budget. i said, can we have two actors make out on stage? they're like, what, are we made of money? whitney gets a robot of herself.

>> whitney: yeah, there is a bit, i don't want to give it away. there is a bit where you help an audience member work through their childhood trauma. i was screaming. >> thank you. how much -- where did you get that robot? >> whitney: why do you want to interview me? i'm interviewing you, eric. >> i just like having a conversation. when you talk, i listen. >> whitney: this is like a zoom date by the way. kind of fun. >> have you dated any comedians? you do not want to talk about that, do you? >> whitney: i have not dated any comedians, no. i dated one that -- >> i have a strict never, i have a strict, never date a comedian policy. >> whitney: no. >> it's already like high school. and i just don't want any, i want a boundary. >> whitney: i'm not trying to date you. you don't have to set this boundary with me. i'm not flirting with you, i'm not interested. you're like, i would never date a female comedian, ever. people are so obsessed with your show. people run up to me on the street and go, do you know eric andre? he's a genius.

>> you are sweet. >> whitney: why would i lie to you? what am i looking at here? >> i got rid of all my body hair, i waxed my pubic hair, i spray tanned, i suntanned, i gained 20 to 25 pounds. that's me at 205, i'm usually about 180, 185. i bleached my teeth. i wore really nasty brut cologne. >> whitney: are you running from the law? what's going on? >> i'm doing a body transformation every season, and i get recognized more often now, so i wanted to look like vin diesel got run over by a train. i feel like vin diesel when he takes time off between fast and furious movies and he's all fat in italy, smoking cigarettes on a balcony. [ bleep ], i'm between seasons, give me a break.

>> whitney: i am obsessed with this. i love when a man in hollywood gains weight, he's like a genius artist. and when a woman gains weight, they just don't get to work anymore. >> i know, it's not fair. charlize theron. >> whitney: that's a very good point. you're right. one woman did it, and she got the oscar. >> yeah. there you go. >> whitney: that's what i need to do. well, i love you. i could talk to you forever and hopefully i'll get to. but for now, these people are going to murder me. >> no worries, i love you so much. >> whitney: "legalize everything," nothing makes me laugh. i went emotionally numb years ago, and this is the only thing that brought me joy in years. it's streaming on netflix now. it is absolutely brilliant, i love you, eric andre. >> i love you, too. >> whitney: get some new wi-fi. i'll have my robot come install some.

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>> whitney: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live." i'm your single serving host, whitney cummings. last year, his song was on obama's summer playlist. now he's making his late night tv debut. with the song "iron man," here's rema. ♪ ♪ hmm because i catch cold i dey ♪

♪ i dey catch cold baby hold my hand make i no go catch cold ♪ ♪ i dey catch cold i dey i dey catch cold baby hold my hand ♪ ♪ make i no go catch cold let me give you love you the one i want to love ♪ ♪ baby come and sing my song you dey make me wan dey give you more ♪ ♪ girly me adore inner me life you belong tell her baby ♪ ♪ make i ding your dong you dey make my thing dey long ♪ ♪ long baby come make i be your iron man ♪ ♪ you must to be my -- baby you must to be fine baby come make ♪ ♪ i be your iron man follow me go you must to be my -- ♪

♪ baby you must to be my fine -- baby come make ♪ ♪ i be your iron man man ah ♪ ♪ bend your head and knees and toes bend am whine am slow carry your load and go gimme your love and soul ♪ ♪ bend your head and knees and toes bend am whine am slow carry your load and go gimme your love and soul ♪ ♪ anything you want baby o' i go give you love baby o uuh baby o baby o ♪ ♪ anything you want baby o' i go give you love baby o uuh baby o baby o ♪

♪ baby o baby come make i be your iron man ♪ ♪ you must to be my -- baby you must to be fine -- baby come make ♪ ♪ i be your iron man follow me go you must to be my -- ♪ ♪ baby you must to be my fine -- baby come make ♪ ♪ i be your iron man man ah ♪ ah ah ah ♪ ♪

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♪ >> whitney: that's all the time we have for tonight. i'd like to thank eric andre, rema, and molly kimmel's husband. sebastian maniscalco will host tomorrow with his guests kelly ripa, ryan seacrest, and j.j. watt. "nightline" is next. and i'm officially being told i have actually been cancelled. so that's it for me.

good night! oh, i'm sweating. i worked hard. ♪ ♪ >> oh! >> how is it? >> very nice. still got it. a boutique in the mission district may have to close its doors for the second time now because of the pandemic. on the coronavirus watch list and facing closures. now business owners in santa cruz county are looking to operate outdoors. a major new testing plan in san francisco's mission district. who it's geared towards and how

it could affect the entire city. we're in a seasonal summer pattern. what's changing this week coming up. abc7 news at 11:00 starts right now. >> building a better bay area for a safe and secure future. this is abc7 news. >> take a good look at this map right now because in about an hour, santa cruz county will join the eight bay area counties on the state's watch list. the only count not being monitored is san mateo. landing on that list means a number of indoor business also have to close at 12:01 a.m. or come up with a way to shift their operations indoors. >> and the biggest impact will be on hair salons and gyms. amanda del castillo explains how some gyms are already pivoting. >> we now have 37 counties. we just included santa cruz on the monitoring list. >> santa cruz county had been flagged late last week. and without enough improvement, found itself on the