warm up exercises. hi, i'm sean hayes live and welcome to "jimmy kimmel." i'm your guest host for the evening, but i'm probably best known as "the character from 'will & grace' that even your homophobic grandma loved." now i know i'm just your substitute for the night, but i expect you to behave just like you would if your regular host were here. so, turn down the volume and start humpin'. i'm so excited to be doing this. i'll never forget when jimmy called my agent about this gig. my agent said "there's no way in hell adam driver will do this, but i also represent sean hayes." and i want to take a second to say hi to my husband who's back at home supporting me right now. hi, scotty, i love you. and if you even think about touching the horse puzzle without me, i'll suffocate you in your sleep. now that we're all having fun, i'm going to tell you something that will ruin your month. it turns out that coronavirus might be spread through air conditioning.

experts say ac can spread coronavirus "by creating strong air currents that can move the droplets and contribute to increased risk." this is why i stay cool the old fashioned way, by getting drunk and falling down a well. wow, remember 2019 when air conditioners were only killing us by melting polar ice caps and falling out of apartment windows? that was quaint, wasn't it? remember that? i will say this, if giant wind-blowing fans are to blame, we may need to quarantine beyonce for another year. she has about 70 horsepower on her at all times. during quarantine, we should all be reading more, especially our kids. but growing up as a gay kid in the suburbs of chicago, i didn't have many books that spoke to me. i mean, "curious george" was not curious about the same things i was, and of course, "where's waldo." who wants to find that guy? he's got glasses and a passport. that nerd can find himself. so to help out kids like me who want to read, i'm launching my new book series "where's cher?"

you and your gay family can locate the oscar-winning superstar in a number of exciting environments. ok, first let's find cher at the beach. keep your eyes peeled. i'm not sure what cher wears to the beach, but i guarantee it would blow waldo's mind. there cher is. i should've known, head-to-toe bob mackie. good work, everyone. okay, next page. the airport. cher is probably in a rush to get back to malibu, so we have to act quickly. where could she be? found her. she's stuck in line. cher's flying coach? her poor manager's going to get an earful. isn't this so much more fun than looking for waldo and his rabid dog? finally, let's find cher at the carnival. and don't pretend cher wouldn't go to a carnival. if you remember "gypsies, tramps and thieves," cher was born in the wagon of a travelling show. this is her origin story. this is a tough one. would cher enjoy a merry-go-round?

to be completely honest, i've pondered this question before. there cher is -- wait, that's not cher. it's waldo, as a cher impersonator. hang it up, waldo, you can't pull it off. there she is. soaked in the back of a log flume, and doing a terrible job of social distancing. at least put on a mask, cher. don't you love to read? this is fun. it's a clip of some construction workers, pulling a cable out of the ground. or so it appears. actually, i know what's going on. can we turn up the sound? hey joe, tony, help me with this cable. it's so big. it sure is frank. all three of us need to use our rippling thighs to get it out of this hole. yeah, yeah. sorry, i've been quarantined a long time. you know, there's so much misinformation regarding

coronavirus and it's hard to know who to trust for honest and accurate medical information. well, you should trust doctors. like me, doctor sean, because i'm not just any doctor. i'm an honorary doctor. see, illinois state university, the school i dropped out of even though it's one of the best fine arts schools in the midwest, gave me an honorary doctorate, which means i am qualified to answer all of the most common questions about the virus. so it's time now for "doctor sean's covid corner." hello. first, the most hotly debated question right now is: should i wear a mask? for the love of god yes, and here's why. in the medical community, we know for a fact that the coronavirus is attracted to mustaches, both men's and women's. if you're wearing a mask, the covid beetles can't build their nests and poison your bloodstream with their feces. makes sense? thought so. ok, here's one people ask a lot, how important is hand washing?

frequent hand washing is critical. the more frequent, the better. why? because the virus is creeped out by ocd. if you wash your hands every five minutes, the virus will be all "get me away from this freak." so wash your hands, alphabetize your condiments, make sure you have an even number of coat hangers, then treat yourself to four yellow skittles. here's one i see online sometimes, can i get coronavirus from drinking corona beer? this is just ridiculous. you cannot get coronavirus from drinking corona beer. they're just similar sounding words. although eating clams does give you chlamydia. this one is about symptoms, does coronavirus really make you lose your sense of taste? yes, that's true. but it's not just taste in food. you lose your taste in music, movies, and home decor. we found out my cousin was sick when she started listening to chumbawumba and carpeted her upstairs bathroom.

that was rough. and the last question is, what if i don't want to wear a mask? that's easy. if everyone wore masks for 4-6 weeks, we could control this pandemic, because the real problem is people breathing on each other. so if you don't want to wear a mask, fine, just don't breathe for four- six weeks. it's not like your brain was getting oxygen before. trust me, i'm doctor sean. >> tonight on the show, we'll honor our healthcare hero of the week, and we will be right back with jason bateman. ♪ i'm still dead inside. >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by the all new volkswagen atlas cross sport. in vegas, do you? uh, well, i thought we had a breakthrough

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♪ welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live," i'm your host for the evening, sean hayes. in just a little bit, we will salute our healthcare hero of the week. but first, my guest tonight is a very talented actor, and great friend of mine who is the sweetest, funniest, smartest fellas i know. he and i, along with our good pal will arnett host the just-hatched podcast called "smartless," which you can listen to for free on apple podcasts. please welcome america's sweetheart jason bateman. >> oh, you know, i'll gladly take that throne from sandy duncan. she was always america's sweetheart, i had the good fortune of working with her. let me tell you something about sweetheart. look at you. you look gorgeous there. this is the guest host version

of sean hayes. america, if you could see sean when he's not guest hosting something. first of all, did they rent you that hair? >> it's an actual helmet. it peels off. it's actually taped on. >> and the suit and the set behind you. >> it's incredible. this is my house. no, please promise me and tell me that you have those pants on that i love so much. >> you mean my covid uniform? >> plaid. >> yeah, those are my pjs, and this is my. >> picnic table cover. >> in a pinch, yeah. so, if you're snacky, just look for my knees. >> so. >> better way to say that. are we still rolling? can we go back? [ laughter ] >> wait, you really are one of the funniest people i've ever known. listen, do you remember how we first met? >> i'm gonna let you tell this

story. america, that's the way you avoid hurting somebody's feelings, when you don't remember. >> i think i actually met you through will arnett about 20 years ago when we used to play poker together. >> was it kyle's poker game? >> yes, how fun was that? every tuesday night, i brought the pizza, you remember that? >> well, as america can usual at usually at a poker night you're not going to remember everything. i'm so happy i met you that night. what about the friendship that blossomed from there. >> i love you so much. you've been doing talk shows since your family forced you into the business after the delivery room. >> yeah, delivery was much more expensive back then. >> listen, because of those talk shows, you've probably been asked everything in the world. i would like to run down a list of questions that hopefully you've never been asked before. i know you, but some things i still don't know about you. >> yes.

>> in 1994, you co-starred in a movie with katharine hepburn. what was the filthiest thing she ever said or did to you? >> well, there wasn't anything filthy that she said or did, but there was something that was sort of filthy looking that wasn't after you kind of find out about it. she doesn't, she wore reebok high tops 100% of the time. but, when she had to wear a dressy outfit, she would simply pull black socks over the top of these high tops. so that would seem filthy and gross kind of in a weird, if you're a sicko like me, but once you understood her madness, i thought she just had horribly swollen feet. >> sure, sure, eyes up here, jason eyes up here. is that what it was? >> yeah. to work with her was something pretty remarkable.

she did tell me to stop acting during one of the scenes, she didn't mean as a career but in that particular scene i was doing too much. >> in true bateman form, i had more questions, but we're going to move on. now, hosting a podcast, are you aware, co-host that we are number seven today as of apple podcast, which is one episode. >> very, very exciting and humbling and let's get to number one, damn it, after this show. come on, america. >> now tell me what's one of the most fascinating, interesting things about our first episode, which we interview dax shepherd for, anything you want to recall? >> learning that he graduated summa cum laude, and that will is even a more cold-hearted person than i ever imagined. he just had a new baby boy.

i think she was not yet fully done giving birth to the child, or maybe she had just finished. he left the hospital and got to his house to record the very first episode. i don't think they had yet cut the cord. i think he returned after the episode to cut the cord. anything for a gig, this guy. >> i don't think it's still cut. i think it's still on there. >> oh, gosh, yeah, no, he's very committed to the show, more so than his family, and we love him for it. >> we do. and i have to cut us off before we get too boring like we are in our podcast. thank you so much for being here, and i'm so glad that we're working together on a project. i feel very, very fulfilled. >> love you, sean hayes. >> love you. we'll be right back with our health care hero of the week. ♪ ( ♪ )

let's hear it for kansas city monarch legend jim robinson. crowd: (cheering) celebrate your history together. the all-new highlander. toyota. let's go places.

♪ >> welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live." i'm jimmy's seat filler, sean hayes. our healthcare hero tonight comes to us all the way from santa maria, california. please welcome nurse lucio arguijo. >> hi! >> lucio, did i say that right? >> yes. o my god, i'm such a big fan. will & grace. i love you so much. >> thanks for being here, that's so sweet of you to say. what is the situation at your hospital right now? >> it's stressful, management is supportive. since the state opened up, we have to move into new spaces,

but we have a lot of resources, so we're doing good. >> you guys sleep like, how often, how long is your shift? >> we work 12 hours, but definitely, sometimes we have to work a little overtime because it's crazy with all the numbers going up with covid. >> i work as long as that, i work two hours. but if that wasn't enough, i heard all you're going through, i heard your wedding plans got postponed, is that right? >> yeah, i mean, we wanted to go traveling this year, which didn't happen, we wanted to get married this year, we're living with my parents right now, actually, so. >> how's that going? >> um, it's okay. >> okay. so they're going to watch us and love that response. >> oh, yeah. i love them. i love them. they're amazing. >> i love them, too. and i'd love to meet your fiance, ian, is he there? >> so this is ian. >> hi, sean. >> hi, ian, how are you? >> i'm good.

how are you? nice to see you. >> nice to see you, too. guys, i have a proposal for both of you. >> okay. >> i have some free time believe it or not during quarantine and decided to get ordained as an internet minister, and if you wanted, i could marry you two right now with america as your witness, what do you think? >> okay. >> thank god you said yes, because when i had this idea yesterday, i overnighted a wooden box to your house just in case. so go ahead and open that right now. >> okay. >> open it up. >> ah. no! >> keep opening. keep opening. >> no! >> keep going. >> oh, my god! oh, my god, oh, my god. >> aren't those beautiful? >> oh, my god, these are gorgeous. >> i got them in for free. no, i didn't. i paid a fortune for them. we've got the dream rings and the dreamy minister. let's do it.

ready? dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in accordance with strict cdc guidelines to join lucio and ian in matrimony. they met six years ago in hawaii on halloween night where they coincidently were both dressed as cats. yeah, one was judi dench and the other taylor swift, right? they got engaged in 2018 but decided to wait two years until the world calmed down a little, so that's a good choice. if i could give you one piece of advice, guys, never go to bed angry. save that anger for people not wearing masks. now time for the vows. please place your rings on one another's fingers, yeah, nice. lucio and ian, do you both promise to love, honor and cherish one another, to laugh together and cry together and to

never, ever, ever turn off the karaoke machine when mariah carey's "hero " comes on? >> i do. >> i do. >> by the power invested in me, i now pronounce you married. you may now kiss. enjoy your honeymoon in the garage. congratulations, guys. rose petals for you. so cool! >> thank you. >> thank you. >> and lucio, we have one more surprise for you. in the spirit of spreading optimism, our friends at life is good want to send you $10,000 to spend however you'd like. their new tease for the times collection highlights the good in life while honoring health care heroes like yourself. they are also going to send gift packages to the other nurses in your unit to help and honor them. thank you, and thank you to life is good. and to send you two into a life of wedded bliss we invited your favorite music guest, cam.

they'll be playing a special song just for your wedding. >> we love your new song! >> i love you! i feel like you have a classic love. i can see it, the way you're looking at each other, just makes me so happy. so we're going to sing for you. ♪ some lucky sky ♪ leanin' on the wall outside ♪ they don't make'em like that anymore ♪ ♪ i'm talkin' down at the corner store ♪ ♪ they shut the lights and close their door ♪ ♪ they don't make'em like that anymore ♪ ♪ but you and i are classic ♪ mm, ♪ like a bench in the front seat ♪ ♪ mm, ♪ like a big yellow taxi ♪ like your best friend's mix tape ♪ ♪ big limo and a prom date ♪ ain't nothing new i'm waitin' for, because they don't make'em like this anymore ♪ ♪ i want to hit rewind

♪ baby ♪ take our time ♪ i want to hit rewind ♪ baby ♪ and take our time they don't make'em like this anymore ♪ more engineers, and more coverage than ever before. and now you can get an awesome network at an amazing price. get four lines of unlimited for just $25 bucks a line with 5g access included. that's right. unlimited and nationwide 5g for just $25 dollars per line only at t-mobile. ...crunchy oat clusters with a hotouch of honey...ombine... ...plump, juicy raisins... ...and tasty fiber... ...into one delicious cereal? it took a lot of branstorming. get it? kellogg's raisin bran crunch.

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♪ >> that is all the time we have tonight. i'd like to thank jason bateman, lucio and ian, cam, and my guiding light, jimmy kimmel. be sure to check out my new podcast, "smartless" with jason bateman and will arnett available now on apple podcasts.

"nightline" is next. time to go wash my hands until i cry. goodnight. ♪ first, the sir francis drake statue was taken down, then less than 24 hours later, the name came off of the high school. >> the governor's new strike team. their mission, fixed state's overloaded unemployment system. we're locked into our typical summer pattern for now. i'll show you what's changing for the weekend coming up.

san francisco's latest weapon against covid. millions of dollars in support for immigrants and undocumented families. abc 7 news starts right now. building a better bay area for a safe and secure future. this is abc 7 news. so, yeah, it's a little scary for me because, to me, it's life and death. >> tonight, relief is finally on te way for thousands of californians who have been unable to get unemployment benefits. governor newsom announced a new strike team to address the numerous problems and the backlog. this is an issue abc 7 and 7 on your side have been on since day one. in fact, we've received about 2,000 message about edd since the start of the pandemic. and after last week's full week focus on edd problems, the 7 on your side team was inundated with 600 more, all from viewers pleading for help to get their unemployment benefits. abc 7 news reporter has the