that white people don't want. i'm here tonight because i have literally nothing else to do. this is honestly the best way for me to kill time between my zoom yoga classes. and it's nice for a mexican to be invited to a mansion in hollywood and not have to trim the hedges. you know what i did, actually? i hired the whitest guy on taskrabbit to come clean this house. so excuse me. yo, chad, don't forget the fan blades. clean them or i'll have you deported like that back to norway. i used to host a late night show myself called "lopez tonight." it's been a few years, but they say hosting late night is like riding a bike. we do it because we've had too many duis. well, i have. we're going to have a lot of fun tonight. well, i know i'm going to have a lot of fun. for all i know you saw my hair and changed the channel ten seconds ago. this hair is something new for me. i decided that 59 was the perfect age to start looking like a west hollywood brunch waiter. i went to my barber and said i want to look like a cross between danny trejo and justin bieber. brown skin and blond hair. this is what we in the latinx

community call hedging our bets. people keep saying i remind them of someone, and i finally figured it out. i'm a cross between walta mercado, and a troll doll. just so you know, i didn't actually dye my hair. i got scared, because my postmates guy showed up without a mask. mayor garcetti just said that los angeles may face another stay-at-home order. a second lockdown. here in l.a., we're just calling it a reboot. "fuller house." if you're like me and you didn't bother to get in shape for beach season, everybody with "d" cups, we're all winners. you know, it's not fair that rich people get to quarantine in huge mansions and poor people have to do it in tiny little apartments. i feel like this is the second time, we should switch it up, right? if you were in a bel air estate the first time? this time, a studio in compton. trevor, pack your bags. and i want to say hello to my virtual amigo. the only mexican to ever marry a karen. guillermo! >> guillermo: hi, everybody!

>> guillermo, what are you doing? >> guillermo: hey, george, you look like fabio. >> thanks. how are you doing? >> guillermo: i'm doing good. >> what kind of suit do you have on? back up, let's take a look. what the -- back up more, guillermo, are you in your underwear? >> guillermo: no, i'm wearing shorts. >> thank god. okay. you don't have to spin. that's good. don't spin, please. so how have you been handling the quarantine? >> guillermo: good, i've been drinking, eating, making sweet love to my wife. >> okay, that's enough. i'm going to call i.c.e. next time you want to make sweet love, don't be surprised. all right, guillermo, gracias. so this is crazy. the immigration agency i.c.e., or as i call it, vanilla i.c.e.,

is launching a six-week citizens academy where they will teach ordinary people about how they arrest undocumented immigrants. this is a real thing. it's happening this september in chicago. it may be the only school open this fall. a spokesperson for i.c.e. said, "the goal is to build cages with the community. i mean the goal is to build bridges with the community." not cages. the way things are, if i was in a cage i might say, "you know what, i'm good here." to pass the final exam, you have to run into an olive garden kitchen and yell, "come out with your hands up!" why are americans so obsessed with deporting immigrants, when there are far worse homegrown u.s.a.-holes that need to go. for instance, instead of kicking out a mother of four who volunteers at a food bank, why not deport this maniac who threw a fit at a grocery store, because they asked her to wear a mask? >> [ bleep ]! [ bleep ] [ bleep ] [ bleep ]. i don't give a [ bleep ].

>> oh, my god. >> [ bleep ]. >> and they say all the good ones are taken. cleanup in aisle 1, 2, 4, 7, 5. maybe she was just trying to get into the ten items or less line. instead of deporting a dentist from guatemala who has been part of his community for two decades, let's deport these jackasses painting over a black lives matter mural. >> you want some? >> [ bleep ]. >> what's up? i'm right here. >> [ bleep ]. >> i give them a lot of credit. a lot of honkies would have just hired a mexican to do the painting. we should deport them, but we should send them straight to africa. good luck, guys. instead of ousting a 24-year-old medical student who has been here since she was 2, why not get rid of costco kenny. >> you're harassing me. >> i'm not harassing you. >> i feel threatened. i feel threatened, back off!

back the [ bleep ] up! put your [ bleep ] phone down! >> yes, sir. >> i did not know they sold big boxes of steroids at costco. i guess the meditation hasn't kicked in yet. and finally, instead of deporting a church pastor, lets get rid of this shameless psychopath, who been sitting there hawking beans in the middle of a pandemic. >> the president posted a photo to instagram, smiling with goya products laid out on the resolute desk. >> if only goya made self-tanner and adderall. hey, donald. ask jared to google "cabron." it means "really good president." speaking of trump, after three months, he is doing his daily coronavirus briefings. thank god. i was wondering which household cleaner to drink next. what's the point of these briefings? every word out of his mouth is a lie. even calling it a briefing is a lie. it's not brief. the guy talks for two hours. from now on, let's call it what it really is, a [ bleep ] storm. the president appeared at his daily [ bleep ] storm today.

would somebody just explain to this goofball that the sooner he takes the virus seriously, the sooner he can get back to doing stand-up at monster truck rallies? but i would like to congratulate the president on a milestone. last week marked the 275th time he visited a golf club since becoming president. it's a wonder that he has any time left to destroy the country. and last week, when people called him out on it, he tweeted that golf is his exercise. and clearly it's working. look at that adonis. man, listen, i love golf. i play all the time. i love it. but golf counts as exercise the way that fox counts as news. and trump's "exercise" has cost taxpayers $137 million. can't we just buy that lard-ass a peloton? since we're paying for it, i want to analyze the president's $137 million golf swing. let's take a look. so smooth, graceful, like a

gazelle that was just shot by don junior. it's not surprising that trump has a horrible follow-through in each swing. he doesn't follow through with anything. he swings like a lumberjack who missed the tree. let's see it again. freeze it right there. now zoom in. look at his pants. why are they so high? that belt is working much harder than it needs to be. does he think that hiking up his pants makes everything below his waist invisible? from what i hear, it's invisible without pants. let's see from a different angle. i see some good things here. look at his core. that's where any great golfer gets their power. he's thicc with two "c"s, just like his high school report card. and those childbearing hips. it looks like his water could break in the middle of his swing. when he yells "fore," he's giving his donut order. now let's break down his grip, crucial to any golfer's game. zoom in. as you can see, it's a very unconventional grip. the way he interlaces his fingers. he has such soft, supple hands.

he swings. widen back out, yes. he swings, hitting the ball. well done, mr. president. and off goes his caddie to find the ball in the woods. he has a special talent for finding trump's balls. all right, when we come back, mr. willie nelson. ♪ red, blue, 16 percent undecided. here we are a nation divided. but 2020 had us shook. so we gave the world another look. and saw a future of differences celebrated. every voice heard and advocated. where everyone can show their pride. 'cause love should never have to hide. there's a world of possibility that can't exist with you versus me. it will take work, that's indisputable. but oh man it could be beautiful. this world where we are we. (♪ ) sweet-n-sour,

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♪ welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live." i'm guillermo's stepfather, george lopez. tomorrow night, i won't be here, but sean hayes will be hosting with his guest jason bateman, and the "jimmy kimmel live" health care hero of the week. our guest tonight truly needs no introduction, but i'm going to give him one, just so he knows we are actually on tv right now. he is a genuine legend of both

country music and cannabis, with a new album called "first rose of spring," available now. please welcome the one and only willie nelson. >> thank you, thank you. how you doing? >> i'm good, brother. i'm going to ask a question. i know you have a place in maui. do you prefer the surf and turf? do you prefer the surf of maui to live or the turf of austin to live? where do you feel more comfortable? >> well, i've been kind of spoiled. i can take the best of both worlds there. i would love to go to maui now, but with all the b.s. going on around the world, it's hard to get there, and then you got to quarantine a while and all that. so i love maui, but i'm in a pretty good spot. >> with someone like you, marijuana is so widely accepted. is it shocking to you to see how well marijuana is being received? >> no, i always knew that people

would realize its benefits. and now that it's in 30 states medicinally it's legal. and in a lot of states, recreationally it's legal. so it's on the way. and i think it's a good thing. >> you know, there's so many benefits of cannabis, you know, health, appetite, anxiety, forgetting things, but medically, it's a good thing, isn't it? >> it's a good thing to forget things, i think. [ laughter ] >> hey, do you remember the first joint that you ever smoked? >> you know, i have been smoking something all my life. i started out smoking when i was just a kid, grape vines. cedar bark. and then i got to bull durham and -- so all along i was smoking something.

and then i got to where i realized that my lungs were caving in, so i had to quit something. so i wasn't getting high on chesterfields, so i threw them away and rolled up 20 big, fat joints, stuck it in my pocket and i haven't had a cigarette since. >> my man, exactly, thank you. i know in december that, i saw it on a scroll, but people tripped out because i think you said you were going to quit smoking marijuana, and the whole world went upside-down, right? >> i read that somewhere. and i had a nice laugh about it. >> yeah, because once snoop has anointed you, because i think you outsmoke snoop. >> he's tough. >> that's like the pope telling you that you're a good catholic. so i had the honor of meeting, i know he was a good friend of yours, merle haggard. >> yes, he really was. >> and he invited me into his

bus, and when i walked in, there was a wonderful smell of marijuana, and i went over, and i talked to him. he's from oildale. i had some relatives out there. you passed around a bottle of george dickle. i'm looking for a glass. he's like, we're country folks, we don't use many glasses. i'm there smoking and drinking george dickle from the bottle. in about an hour and a half he says to his wife, how was the show, honey, and she says, merle, we haven't done the show yet. >> yeah, i love -- >> my question is, can you be too high, willie? can someone be too high? >> yeah, sure, you can be too drunk, you can be too high. sure, i've been too high before and i realized it pretty quick. >> so merle walked on stage with the cowboy hat and the glasses, didn't miss a beat, which was amazing. but have you been on stage and not known where you were? >> yeah, i have smoked too much before a show, and i don't

remember the town, but i do remember that i wasn't able to do a show. i walked out there and said, sorry, and went back to the bus. and i came back about a month later, and said, i think i remember being here before. >> so you stayed in that bus a month and then you came back out? no, you didn't. >> well, i had other dates to play. >> so this is your 70th album. congratulations. >> thank you. >> what do you like about this music? what will we like about this album, willie? >> this is my 15th album with buddy cannon as my producer. he and i work so well together writing and recording, and i think this particular album has a lot of good songs on it. the title song, "first rose of spring," is a great song. and in fact all the songs on there are good.

"yesterday when i was young" closes out the album, and that's always been a nice standard. >> when were you growing up, who was musical in your family? >> well, my sister bobbie and i, she was a great, is a great piano player, and we've been playing music together all our lives, and she taught me a lot. she could read music early. and i would sit on a piano stool next to her, and while she was playing songs like "stardust" and "moonlight in vermont," i was learning them as she was playing them. >> so it must be even more special that you've done some work with your sons, like the song you're going to perform with your kids. >> it's great working with the boys. working with all the kids is good. i've got some talented kids. i appreciate that. >> do they all play the guitar? or piano? how many instruments do you play? >> well, i, you know, play at the guitar, but that's about it. but, no, luke and micah can play

piano, they play pretty good piano, drums, and practically anything here in my living room here. i've got all kind of instruments, guitars and pianos, so they were around musical instruments all their lives, and i didn't push them. i just kind of let them drift into it as they wanted to and they've really done well. >> well, you have one of those unmistakable sounds that from the minute the guitar chord is struck, everybody knows it's you. >> well, that's trigger. >> baby! yeah. i love you, willie, thank you, man. thanks for being my guest. >> my pleasure, good to talk to you. >> when we come back, music from willie nelson. ♪ i think we love to share music, because it brings us together. it's something that makes us think,

and think about each other. we listen to music when we're together. that's like the main thing we do. it's like when we're traveling together, when we're talking together, when we're cleaning the house, everything. i mean that's how we connect you know. [laughs] [humming] i don't remember that one. can we take a selfie? yea, let's take a selfie. yea? it's like walking into the chocolate factory and you won a golden ticket. all of these are face masks. this looks like a bottle of vodka. but when we first got these, we were like whoa! [laughing] my three-year-old, when we get a box delivered, screams

"mommy's work!" mommy's work. with this pandemic, safety is even more important to make sure we go home safe every single day.

this is about the next 10 years. but this is something you can do today. you can make a difference today by filling out the 2020 census. the census impacts hospitals, schools, and public transportation. the 2020 census counts everyone, whether you rent,

own, or live at home, including roommates. taking the census is quick and easy. it's only 10 questions. shape your future. start here at 2020census.gov. you guys have a good day. ♪ welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live." i'm george lopez. his new album is called "first rose of spring." here with a song he wrote back in 1964, joined by his sons micah and lukas, the great willie nelson. ♪ ♪

♪ the sky's never blue ♪ stars are rain drops searching for a place to fall ♪ ♪ i never cared ♪ for you ♪ ♪ i know you won't believe these things i tell you ♪ ♪ i know you won't believe ♪ your heart has been forewarned ♪ ♪ all men will lie to you ♪ mine cannot deceive ♪ what i say to you

♪ i prepared these statements for the truth ♪ ♪ baby to disbelieve ♪ the sky was filled with lights and gives no warmth at all the sky was never blue ♪ ♪ the stars are raindrops searching for a place to fall and i never cared for you ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ the sun is filled with ice and gives no warmth at all ♪ ♪ the sky was never blue the stars are raindrops searching for a place ♪

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and now, cisco presents, where is russ hiding? where is russ hiding this time?

>> i'm behind the love seat. >> and that's where russ was hiding. that's all the time we have. i'd like to thank willie nelson and my compadre, jimmy kimmel. sean hayes will be here tomorrow night with guest jason bateman. "nightline" is next. good night, gringos. ♪ an btooutraged that so many people still refuse to wear a mask. why he thinks the national guard should step in. an altercation between a white man and a black woman has gone viral after this man was caught erasing the word black outer black lives matter signs several times.

bus loads of visitors swarming south lake tahoe park. residents say with no regard for safety. >> reporter: making the switch from warm to hot. abc7 news at 11:00 starts right now. building a better bay area starts right now. >> our rights to not wear a mask. >> a no holds barred warning from an east bay message. his message, it's time to take coronavirus more seriously. over 1,000 in just the past day. nationwide, july was the worst month so far of this pandemic. let's get right to kate larson on that doctor's outrage. >> a grocery cart should not have to fight a grown man to wear a mask. that's not their job. our rights are going to kill us will. >> reporter: dr. desmond carson was deadly serious at a