i really can't believe i'm hosting a network late night talk show. alone. inside a weird house. with no laughter. wow, this is both the high and low point of my career. i want to thank jimmy for letting me host his show while he's on pregnancy leave. jimmy, i'm really happy you're keeping this one. the last time i saw jimmy was just a couple days before the quarantine when i taped an episode of who wants to be a millionaire where i accidentally locked in a wrong answer and this happened. no! no! no! >> no! >> nikki: the day after i taped that, i decided that instead of going back to my place in new york, i'd go to my parents' house in st. louis where i could stay for a week or two until this whole corona thing blew over. here's footage of my reaction when i realized viruses don't blow over. no! no! no! >> no!

>> nikki: it's honestly not been so bad being stuck living in st. louis with a couple in their 60s it could be worse, at least it's not these two. my mom would never wear horizontal stripes. i gotta say though, not much has changed since the last time i lived at home. i still sleep late, my room is a mess, i steal their weed. the main difference is now if i'm going to my room to masturbate, i say mom, dad, i'm going to my room to masturbate. i can't watch any more "down to earth with zac efron" with you guys. ol' glaz dog's gonna finish this ep alone. as grateful as i am to have this time to get reacquainted with both my parents and the zack morris poster over my bed, i'm not pretending that any of this is worth it. i love how so many people are making this crisis about themselves. i keep hearing girls say something like this is a sign from the universe that i needed to slow down. and it's like, no becca, i don't think a half a million people

died so you could recommit to your yoga practice. i've even been guilty of this reasoning. before covid hit, i was getting laser hair removal. i was halfway through my 12 sessions and had to stop. and i swear the other day i looked down was like, i guess i was never meant to have a hairless vagina. that wasn't god's plan. apparently, his plan was for it to look like a south american soccer field. i don't even care what it looks like anymore. who cares? it's not like anyone is seeing it. although when they do, i'm guessing i know their reaction. no! no! no! >> no! >> nikki: and apparently dr. drew will be there. i can't even date right now. if i meet up with a guy, i risk exposing my parents to covid. i don't want my mom getting intubated so i'm not getting intubated. and can i even trust a guy i meet online to keep six feet away? do they even know what six feet is? or am i going to show up and

it's going to be more like 5'8 and three quarters? and even if dating didn't put my parents' lives at risk, every social distance date sounds like it's putting my life at risk. they have the same setting as every true crime podcast. "let's go for a hike in the woods" or "let's meet up at the southeast corner of the best buy parking lot." okay, i guess i'm down for a picnic at the abandoned quarry, but why do i need to bring zip ties and garbage bags again? so in order to date during quarantine, i've actually been speed dating live on my instagram. which is depressing but also humiliating! and i thought you might enjoy coming on an internet date ride along with me, so it's time for nikki's quickies. ♪ >> yeah, let's do this. hi! >> hey, nikki, how's it going? >> i'm good, how are you? >> thank you, great to meet you. >> his background kind of intimidated me at first. it looked look he was shooting a beheading video for al qaeda,

then he was the nicest guy ever. can i meet your mom? >> you want me to get her right now? >> yeah. >> i got to get up carefully. i don't have pants on or anything, hold on. >> oh, my! [ siren sound ] >> neither do i! >> there we go. hey. >> hi. >> hello. what kind of girl are you looking for, for your son? >> a girl who would treat him well. who would be his sister, his friend, his lover. [ siren sound ] >> i hear you have a nickname? >> yeah, boots. >> all right, well, what do you like to do for fun? >> i still do a little research work on the computer. >> investigating big foot? i like that it looks like boots has been in quarantine since 1977. >> are you ready to play [ bleep ] marry, kill. which one would you like to do

to me? >> marry. >> thank you. >> because doesn't marry imply the other one, too? if you get married, you're probably going to [ bleep ] too. >> let's be honest, a lot of them end in murder. what do you do besides hang out in a basement? >> i'm a test engineer for panera. there are two things i'm looking for in this job. one, i'm looking for the chicken salad recipe. >> right. >> because they have a chicken salad, fantastic, and then they changed the recipe, and they added walnuts, and almonds and grapes, and i'm like what monster did this to me? >> so what are you looking for, other than someone to stain the rest of that fence? >> i don't know, someone you could be comfortable doing nothing with. >> are you ever going to be in l.a.? >> yeah, i'm actually there next week. >> we should hang out. >> all right. [ siren sound ] >> mark paul is up next.

let's see who this is. oh, my, uh, mark paul gossler? >> hi. [ siren sound ] >> is that -- >> you must be nikki. >> hi. i can't believe i'm on a date with mark paul gossler right now. >> that you're calling this a date, that's so cute. >> that's what this is. i'm speed dating with people. >> wait, this isn't a charity thing? cause -- >> no. >> the producer said that by doing this i was granting a wish to a very sick woman, is that not what this is? >> um, well, yeah, i guess in a way that's exactly, that's exactly what this is. thanks. ♪ >> we have such a good show for

you tonight. paris hilton is here. phoebe robinson is with us. and also my house band tonight literally live from their house in st. louis are my parents ej and julie glaser. play us out, guys. >> a one, two. ♪ yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, my condition, my condition was in ♪ ♪ i woke up this morning with the sun down ♪ ♪ pouring in >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by newt gina hydro boost. instantly delivers 2 times the hydration. and keeps hydrating all day long. running dry of supple, bouncy skin? never! hydro boost.

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hi. what's on your mind?in. can you help keep these guys protected online? easy. connect to the xfi gateway. what about wireless data options for the family? you can customize and save. what about internet speeds that can keep up with my gaming? let's hook you up with the fastest internet from xfinity. and now with our stores reopening, we're putting healthy practices in place. come visit a store today. stop in or book an appointment online at a time that works for you. now that's simple, easy, awesome. ask. shop. discover at your local xfinity store today. ♪ yeah, yeah, oh, yeah >> nikki: thank you, mom and dad. welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live". i'm your host for the night, nikki glaser.

tomorrow i'll be back on my parent's couch but george lopez will be here hosting with his guest willie nelson. my first guest tonight is a hotel heiress-turned-reality-star- turned- business-mogul, with a new and unexpectedly revealing documentary that i can't stop thinking about. >> no one really knows who i am. something happened in my childhood that i've never talked about with anyone. i still have nightmares about it. >> nikki: "this is paris" premiers september 14th on youtube. please welcome paris hilton. hi, paris. >> hello. so good to see you. >> nikki: so good to see you, too. how are you feeling with the anticipation of this coming out? because there are some pretty revelatory things in this documentary. how are you feeling right now? >> i'm excited, also very nervous given the topics discussed in this film, because it's things i've never talked about. really personal and traumatic experiences. to talk about that publicly is

obviously very hard. >> nikki: it is. you really go there. and we've seen you go there before in versions of yourself in reality shows. i do say versions of yourself. you've peeled it back from "the simple life" where we were first exposed to you. i feel like this is a whole new level. what is it like being on camera in such a real way? i really feel like we got to know who you are. how was that transition to being followed around all day trying to be you? >> obviously, i'm used to being on camera from being on camera for so long, but i've always been a naturally shy person, so i loved inventing this character and playing that character, and to actually be myself was a completely different experience, but also almost therapeutic in some way, where i learned so much about myself that i had no idea of, you know, why i am the way i am.

and now i understand myself so much more. >> yeah, i feel like everyone will understand you more. i feel like i was already a huge fan going into it, i was like, i know the real her, and then i was like, oh, no, i did not. it's taken me everything not to send my secret link to all my friends and be like, we need to watch this and discuss. i'm so excited for people to see it. how have you been in quarantine, what have you been up to? i'm following you on youtube, you're at the manor which you call your house. what are you doing all day? because are you a workaholic, which we learn in the documentary. how has this been not being able to work as much? >> i'm used to being on a plane 250 days a year and traveling. this is the first time since i was a little kid that i've been stuck in one place. obviously it's a scary time around the world right now. trying to see the silver lining in it. so just being home, a lot of art, a lot of cooking, spending time with my pets and my boyfriend. still making the most of it. >> nikki: we get it, you have a boyfriend.

stop bragging. you guys are so cute, tell me what it's like to have a boyfriend in quarantine? >> chill together, we watch "the simple life." he's not a reality show type of person, he's an intellectual man. to see him with something like that is fun. >> nikki: last time we talked you revealed something about yourself that's so great. because you're such a sex symbol to me at least. i love that you were given a nickname in your life, i'd love if you'd share that with us. because it actually empowered me. >> my nickname is ms. blue baller. >> nikki: now explain that a little bit. i mean, i think we can kind of get there on our own, but you don't give it up easily. you make them wait for it. >> yes, my mom always taught me since i was a little girl guys want what they can't have.

i've always been very prude in that way. yes, i like to kiss and make out, but that's it. so i feel that most girls are not like that, so guys are not used to it. but i'm so happy my mom taught me that, i'm going to teach my daughter the same thing. i think it's way hotter. >> nikki: i needed you to teach me that. it's a struggle. girls feel pressured to do stuff they don't want to do. since we've had that conversation i've been making out and trying to keep it at that. i really learned a lot from you in this documentary. i learned how to surveil boyfriends. i love that you get a new computer for every guy you date. that was awesome. you have stacks and stacks of computers just because the trust issues that you talk about in the documentary, you kind of reveal. you have a lot of footage of them. you would set up cameras just to have them if they were at your place. did you sit there and review footage and have to watch it for hours and hours? >> no, i actually only did that

to one person. i just don't trust certain people. if i'm going to have to go out and work and they're going to be alone in my room, i don't want them going through all of my things. i wanted to see what was happening while i was at work so i don't have to worry. >> nikki: i love, love, loved your documentary, "this is paris" on september 14 on youtube. people are going to freak. thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself and being you. i love you, paris. >> i love you. >> nikki: we'll be right back with phoebe robinson. ♪ ♪ fairy tales can come true ♪ can happen to you if you don't have heart ♪ tells... time and takes phone calls. and communicates with satellites thousands of miles above the earth and tracks your distance underwater

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make the most of your time with your teen. ♪ the best part ♪ you had a head start ♪ if you are among the very young at heart ♪ >> nikki: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live". i'm tonight's sub, nikki glaser. my next guest is a comedian, best-selling author and former dope queen who launched a brand-new book imprint called "tiny reparations books" and starting next month, you can listen to her new podcast "black frasier." please welcome phoebe robinson. hi, phoebe. >> nikki, hi, queen! >> hi. >> nikki: i'm reading your book right now, so i feel like i've been talking to you like every day. so it's so good to talk to you. i want to quickly ask. you're friends with a lot of famous people, phoebe. little bit. i just interviewed paris hilton, and i really want to become

friends with her, how do i go about doing that? how do you take it to the next level? >> i am very loosely friends with michelle obama, which is truly wild to me. the keys to that are don't be thirsty and hold in every single fart when you are around them. i have engaged my core so much when i'm around, it's wild. >> nikki: do you, like how are you friends with her? what is the friendship? how often do you guys talk? >> every few months we'll check in. we have each other's phone numbers. she's in my phone under like a code name, and i'm always so terrified when i text her. i proofread it. i do all the things, you know. it's scary. >> nikki: send to friends for their notes? the whole thing? yeah. oh, my gosh.

it's so, it's a delicate thing to have someone like that, i'd be so scared to accidentally facetime her. i'm reading your book "everything's trash" right now. it's so freaking good. i'm so excited for your new book imprint, that you are also releasing, you're writing a book about quarantine in quarantine. >> yeah, it's called "six feet apart." i have essays i talk about, wave your issues like black excellence and performative alliship, and also write about quarantining with my boyfriend of three years, and, you know, it's good. but it's a lot. you know, to be in an apartment for almost five months, it's like, that's too much. >> nikki: it's so much. it's kind of like what i am looking forward to for the next time this all goes down. i'd like to have a partner to end up resenting through it. i'm living with my mom and dad now. what is your writing process like with him there?

you're writing from home. is that hard to do? everyone's trying to write a book right now. you're actually doing it. >> it's great. i don't have to go out. i just sit on the couch. i'm not wearing pants. i let them know, this is not sexual. this is professional. this is how i write, and i have my snacks, tonight i wanted to be nice for you, so i'm wearing biker shorts. >> nikki: no. yes, yes, amazing. that outfit actually goes. you look great. isn't this so great? this is the first time i've been wearing makeup or any kind of fitted thing in months and months, and it's so nice to get a break from that. have you found it's nice to escape all the pressures of trying to look hot? >> oh, my gosh, i look like trash most days. just throwing it all out there. >> nikki: we got it together for is this this. >> i always have a zit patch on just in case. just in case.

>> nikki: preemptively. >> yeah. >> nikki: you have a new advice podcast coming out which i'm so excited about, it's called "black frasier." you love "frasier"? >> never seen it. never seen it. >> nikki: i love that you've never seen it, and it's such a great name because you have no information about "frasier" other than the cover of the dvd. >> my boyfriend loves the show, and i always give advice, so i'm like a black frais. he's like you're not but go for it, babe. >> nikki: i was on a flight yesterday, met a cute guy. three hours into the flight of talking the whole time he reveals he has a girlfriend, three hours in. what would you do in that moment?

>> you know what? if he was drinking a mountain dew, i would have poured it on his lap. that is rude as hell. >> nikki: so rude. >> we are in the age of corona, everything is way stressful. if you are in a relationship, do not talk to me, i don't want friends right now. i don't want them. no thanks. >> nikki: yes, yes, thank you. you know what i did? nothing. i continued the conversation until we landed and wasted more of my time. i could have used you. phoebe robinson, since reading your book, your voice is in my head all the time. you're so freakin' funny. feel like we're best friends just from reading it. i can't wait for your new book. can't wait for your podcast, thank you for being here tonight. >> thank you for having me. you're a gem. i love you so much. >> nikki: i love you too. guys, we'll be right back. ♪ i'm going to take my horse to the old town road ♪ ♪ i'm going to ride until i can't no more ♪ ♪ i'm going to take my horse to the old town road ♪ ♪ i'm going to ride until i can't no more ♪ hey, can i... hold on one second... sure. okay... okay! safe drivers save 40%!!!

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>> nikki: that's all the time we have. i'd like to thank paris hilton, phoebe robinson, mark-paul gosselaar, my parents and of course, jimmy kimmel. my apologies to jennifer aniston we ran out of time. george lopez will host tomorrow. "nightline" is next. thanks for watching. goodnight. people opting for ivs, business getting a boost in the pandemic. >> bay area couple that had been together 35 years both died of covid-19 complications within two weeks. fighting for equitable start to the year, oakland teachers

demanding. more than a drop in temperatures this week, it gets damp, abc7 news starts now. >> building a better bay area for a safe and secure future, abc7 news. schools facing biggest crisis of this generation, how to safely resume teaching in pandemic. >> focusing on this all week long in back-to-school series, how to build a better bay area. >> now we've learned that san jose unified appears to be first district to require teachers to teach from empty classrooms on campus. announced the agreement on monday. some teachers say it puts their health at risk and want the option to work from home. he didn't