>> from all of us, we appreciate your time. right now on jimmy ki . >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live," with guest host, david spade. tonight, lauren lapkus and music from the avett brothers. and now, here's david spade! >> david: hey, guys, welcome to "jimmy kimmel live," wow, it's me again, david spade, wah, wah. what a ripoff, right? my second night at uncle jimmy's creepy dungeon. so excited to be here. they never even let me leave. this is a big gig for me. if it goes well, i can charge a little extra on my cameo. mee-mop. it's not as fun to throw coffee in a pa's face when it bounces

off the face shield. in the end, who really suffers? you, the american people, right, guillermo? there he is. >> guillermo: that's right! >> david: that's it? hey, by the way, what's going on in that room? a little bleak there, you got a couch and a plant. is that a house or a crate and barrel that went out of business? >> guillermo: look, it's my meditation room. you know? >> david: that's nice, i'm glad you're meditating. i know you're working up to 45 seconds a day on this. all right, thank you, guillermo, it's good to see you. >> guillermo: can you add me on your instagram, mr. spade, please? >> david: you know what, i'll see if i can. i don't know if i'm allowed to. i got to go. it's good to see you, buddy. by the way, speaking of instagram, i got a lot of flak last night. i posted a beautiful picture of myself in the greenroom here,

some call selfies stupid, i know, but everyone was saying i overphoto shopped it, and it's horrible filters, which is a total lie. i had someone else do it. i just did a tiny bit, because my face was sunburned. i go, make it not so sunburned. this is what i posted. i know, thirsty, but whatever. and here's what it looked like before. it's not that different. it's the same. and i've seen worse, listen, i've seen that kardashian family tree and every one of those pictures. there's some shenanigans going on there, then whitney cummings has the balls to chirp in about my wardrobe. this is what she says. burn the shirt. a black shirt, that's terrifying you? i googled you, whitney, this is the first thing that came up. i'm sorry. i have a plain black shirt on. you have season four of "yellow

stone" printed on juyour jumper. more on her later. i'm obligated to tell jokes. i want to make sure i get my scale. let's get to it. florida police say a woman pummeled her father due to his repeated flatulence. the dad said he was testing her sense of smell to make sure she didn't have covid. i buy it. beyonce dropped a music video for "brown skin girl", featuring her daughter blue ivy. this is a tough way to find out i didn't get the part. a report says the top tik tok stars make as much as $5 million a year. kim kardashian said, i can't believe i could have done a dance video instead of the other video i did and become a millionaire. and it's been announced olivia wilde will direct a video about spider woman, and i'm not even going to finish this joke. i saw a spider yesterday.

i'm just going to tell that part. i saw a spider coming out of my house. we can cut this later. but i was going out of my house, and of course it made this huge web across my whole door, so i walk out, and was, like, boowww. you know how you go into a web and it throws you back because it's so strong. but this spider's right there in my face going, what's up? but it's obviously poisonous, i freak up. i mess up the web, not cool. i want to live, so the next day i go out, but i'm a little scared, because i'm a puss. in real life, i come across as a tough-guy, hard-ass athlete. but in real life, i'm little built of a puss. i don't want to get a spider biting me and me dying. i don't see it, and then it drops in the picture from the top, like crews in michigan like, wooo. so freak out again, run in, get the raid, come back, but i give

him a little puff, just a little, like perfume, and then he's all tucked going like this, but i can see it's getting to him. he's going like that, then he freaks out. he goes up and down the web and starts spewing webs out of his butt. like uncontrollable webbing. and i'm like, and then it's not funny, though. but i think he was bumming out. but then i said, i got to end this. so i go pshhhh. and he's like, guy, i'm dead, you don't have to blow the whole bottle on me. i'm soaking in a thousand times body weight in poison. you think i'm going to pull out of this? i know it's hard to believe by looking at me -- we can snip that. i have a lot of friends. articles are even written. clickbait articles are written about the subject.

someone sent me this one the other day, 15 celebs david spade is surprisingly friends with. i'm david spade. i like surprises. so i checked it out. when you trade, tread it, you f number 15 is adam sandler. we've been in 7,000 movies and done a tv show together. if you google david spade plus adam sandler, 1.9 million results. then number 12, chris farley. the only reason you've ever heard of me is because i was friends with chris farley. moving on to number 11 is chris rock. 500 dinners. i feel like this whole article is a wasted opportunity. i do have some friendships that are truly surprising. kim jong un. he kidnapped me, brought me over for a month-long birthday parade

and we've been friends ever since. sometimes we start laughing. we don't even know why. that's him on horseback riding on sacred mt. pikachu. i think that's the one. then mike lindell, the my pillow guy. i was his crack dealer for a little while. as a kid, i was buddies with fidel castro. i was a pretty heavy cigar smoker and super communist back then. i went through that phase. this one might really surprise you. i was tight with a guy who murdered my wife. we hit it off at the trial. most people don't remember i was married. that's because he killed her on the wedding day, but anyway, all water under the bridge. people are always curious about me. i'm fascinating. i even did this thing for google recently, where i answered some of my most commonly-asked questions to set the record straight. let's look at it. why won't david spade's mustache

grow in. thanks for asking. when i was 19, i took my girlfriend's birth control accidently. i thought it was a one-a-day vitamin, and now i can't grow a mustache, and i can't have a baby. thanks fo thanks for bringing up a sore sub. when was the last time david spade [ bleep ]ed his pants? i can't believe one person on google asked that. i'm not a real pant [ bleep ]er, but i have a friend who said dude, i [ bleep ]ed my pants last week, and i haven't [ bleep ]ed my pants in a while. something's wrong, you're not supposed to constantly [ bleep ] your pants over the age of 2. he's like, all the time, dude. what's david spade's next movie? i don't know, you never know. it's whatever sandler turns down. so i just don't know. why is david spade famous?

i was in a rock group called hanson in high school. maybe you've heard of it, mm bop, mm bop boop be-bop. yes, saider. we have a great show. music from the avett brothers. we'll be right back with my friend lauren lapkus. whoo! >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by marvel's avengers coming to your favorite gaming platform se september 4th. >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live" brought to you by allstate. check it out. safe drivers save 40%!!! safe drivers save 40%! safe drivers save 40%!!! that's safe drivers save 40%. it is, that's safe drivers save 40%. - he's right there. - it's him! he's here. he's right here. - hi! - hi. hey!

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their album, the third gleam is coming out. the avett brothers are coming out. and she contractually had to make out with me in "the wrong mi missy." please welcome lauren lapkus. hi. >> hi. >> david: isn't that a sweet intro? >> that was great. >> david: that movie, "the wrong missy." they said 59 people saw it in the first four weeks, isn't that ridiculous? i don't know who's more shocked, me, you or the american people. it was great. so think all saw you simulate a [ bleep ] me. now that movie, they were pretty tough on you, you were such a good sport, but what are some of the things you had to do to people who haven't seen? >> oh, my gosh,ly to get fit

guts thrown in my face. >> david: yes. >> i had to throw up like cold soup over the side of a boat. >> david: sickening. >> i had to go in a spinning machine and go head over feet to get my facial reactions. i had to dunk my head under water in a tub a hundred times. >> david: yeah. >> i remember a lot of things. >> david: you had to do scenes with rob schnyder. that made me sick. was there something they made you do that you didn't want to do? >> i think i did everything except there was one moment where they wanted my to jump off the dock into the ocean and swim towards the boat. i'm not a good swim imer, so it would have been really deadly possibly. >> david: i saw you hustling down the dock lots of times. every day was worse and worse for you. and i was like, i have so many

complaints about the movie, and you're like, you're doing nothing, literally nothing. >> you had one day. you had the day where you had to be a mermaid. that was hard for you. >> david: oh, yeah. that did bother me. there were a lot of things, but enough about "missy." that was a great time. they told me you collect miniatures. you didn't tell me that on the set. >> i didn't bring that up, i didn't get a chance, but i do have my collection right here behind my. >> david: that's why you like me? because i'm miniature? >> i have one i think you would like. this is the mini eggplant. can you see it? >> david: i use that emoji three times a day. >> then very these little guys i collect who are really special. funny angel dolls is what they're called. they all have different heads, i don't know if you can see. >> david: so you saw these one time and you bought one and you keep buying them. >> these my husband and i saw in a little store in japan and we thought they were one in a

million thing. and we started seeing them everywhere we went. we made up a rule that you can only buy them if you come across them in the wild. you with only buy them if you sigh them in see them in a store, but i went wild and started buying them and line during quarantine. >> david: what's your favorite one? >> this one's special because it's big. >> david: it doesn't even fit in there. is that pikachu? i don't know what that is. i said it in the monologue and said it wrong again. you do a few podcasts. i did one with you, but the one right now is called "newcomers", right? >> i do a podcast with camille byer, and she nailed it on netflix, that baking show. the first time we watched "star wars" for the first time, we had never seen it. now for the second season we're

watching lord of the rings. and every single thing we've had to watch is at least three hours long, and it's really hard. >> david: especially women and you're older and you're not a kid watching "star wars." >> ima he 'm older woman. >> david: no, you're older than 11. when you see that, it's horrible, we'll take that out. >> no, leave it in! >> david: everyone has some big movie everyone talks about that you don't want to say you've never seen it. >> you've never seen king"? >> i'm very educated. >> david: you've seen the old ones and the new ones and the new old ones. >> i've seen the cartoons, the holiday special that george

lucas tried to erase, the ewok specials. >> david: lord of the rings is the one you're doing now. >> yes, we're watching all those movies, and they're all three to four hours long. the biggest complaint is that we're not watching the extended cuts, and they're like, you have to see the fourth hour! >> david: i didn't see lord of the rings, and i followed that easier than i followed "star wars." >> yeah, it is easier. it's clear. there's like wizards and trolls, there's not as much to keep up with. >> david: do you know what you're going to do next? or you don't know? >> we've had some ideas, but i think we're going to get pushed into doing some other sort of thing like this that we've avoided, like some sort of fantasy thing. there's such a fandom, i think that's why they want us to keep going with this stuff. because the people who love these movies. >> david: oh, they get into it. >> they're obsessed, yeah. >> david: they're called

"newcom "newcomers." and that's lauren lapkus. i want to thank you fire doing missy with me. >> that was the best. >> david: we'll be back with the avett brothers. i'll see you soon. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes benz, the best or nothing.

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come visit a store today. stop in or book an appointment online at a time that works for you. now that's simple, easy, awesome. ask. shop. discover at your local xfinity store today. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes benz, the best or nothing. >> david: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live," i'm david spade. you can get their new album "the third gleam" starting this

friday. here with the song "victory", the aviett brothers. >> one, two, three, four. ♪ ♪ don't write cause i don't think i don't have a need to speak ♪ ♪ i don't see the bright side quite as clear ♪ ♪ accolades and happy days they don't ever last stories of courage clouded up with fear ♪ ♪ in the broom grass i would lie glimmer in my eye the sun smiled back on me ♪ ♪ f to match eternal light with how i live my life ♪

♪ of course i was forced to retreat from victory i accept defeat ♪ ♪ ♪ waxy green and yellow walls outside my window fall ♪ ♪ covering the light i thought i'd see ♪ ♪ am i sad or am i sick what's at the root of it do i throw my hands and quit something tells me no ♪ ♪ worries on all sides of my mind ♪ ♪ in silence my darkness ♪ is dend

♪ in the broom grass i would lie glimmer in my eye the sun smiled back on me ♪ ♪ from victory i tried to match eternal light with how i live my life ♪ ♪ of course i was forced to retreat from victory i accept defeat ♪ ♪ from victory, i accept defeat ♪ ♪

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♪ >> david: that's all the time we have tonight. no! i'd like that thank lauren lapkus, the avett brothers and the show's absentee father, jimmy kimmel. jas jason jason derulo will host tomorrow night. goodnight!

tonight, first lady, melania trump, taking center stage from the white house. >> i'm here because we need my husband to be our president and commander in chief for four more years. >> a show of force from the first family. personally making the case for the president's reelection. >> every proud american who bleeds red, white and blue, my father will continue to fight for you. >> what the republican party plans to do to appeal to female voters, and how the trump administration is fighting criticism over the president's handling of the pandemic. plus, the unprecedented convention moment, a secretary of state showing his support. >> this president has led bold initiatives in nearly every corner of the world. this special