>> and i'm dan ashley. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live." tonight, anthony anderson. cousin sal iacono. music from death cab for cutie. and now, jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: thank you. hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you for joining us on what is a notable night for us here at the show. our 18th anniversary. [ cheers and applause ] that's right. our show is finally old enough to smoke. [ laughter ] on january 26th, 2003, on the night our show premiered, we had a packed house. the tampa bay buccaneers were in the super bowl. the big hit show on abc was "the bachelor." it was a different time. [ laughter ] truth be told, 18 years ago we were on live after the super bowl, our guests were george

clooney, snoop dogg, and coldplay played out on hollywood boulevard. tonight, i'm doing a show for 20 reluctant staffmembers -- [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and my guest is my cousin. [ laughter ] my cousin sal is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] sal has a new book. he wrote a book about gambling. and another old friend who has been with us since year one, making his 43rd appearance on this program, anthony anderson. [ cheers and applause ] so we have good times in store. a lot of memories. this is interesting. someone thought it would be a good idea to dig up the first joke i ever made about donald trump on this show. yes, it is about his hair. and here it is, from 17 years ago, january 13th, 2004. >> you know, they say it's going to be the coldest week in two decades on the east coast, minus 8 in new york the next couple of days. it's so cold in new york, donald trump's combover broke off.

[ laughter and applause ] >> we rehearsed that all day. >> jimmy: it was a simpler time. we also looked up our first joe biden joke. this one was from august of 2008. >> barack obama's freshly minted running mate, senator joe biden, also spoke tonight. i have to say after all the name-related problems this campaign has had, why obama would pick a vice president with the last name biden is beyond me. not that there's anything anything wrong with the name biden, but obama/biden, it's like they're trying to make their ticket sound like the name "osama bin laden" as possible. we found the two guys in america with the names that match up most closely with the person we made most in the world to put them on the bumper stickers, good thinking. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we've shown improvement, right? what are you laughing at? >> guillermo: laughing about your hair. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my hair?

it's his birthday tomorrow, it's going to be a big show, 50th birthday. [ cheers and applause ] 50 years. tomorrow we send you back to mexico. >> guillermo: oh my god. no way, jose. >> jimmy: i want to thank all those people. i couldn't have done this monologue without them over the years. snooki, charlie sheen, honey boo boo, the kardashians, and, of course, former president golfy mcnuggets. [ laughter ] meanwhile, in washington, federal investigators are still tracking down the criminals who stormed the capitol three weeks ago. around 150 have been charged so far. and the tips keep pouring in. the fbi reportedly received more than 200,000 photos and videos of the crimes. and one of the reasons why they've been able to identify the people in those photos and videos is because many of them posted the pictures on social media themselves. like a burglar who stops to sign the guest book before he makes away. [ laughter ] this is good and dumb too, someone in d.c. rented their

place out on airbnb, then saw the people who booked on it camera, on the ring cam, boasting about how they stormed the capitol. then he wrote this review. "when melissa booked my airbnb, she claimed it was for a history sight-seeing trip, but instead she and her guests made history by participating in the most horrific attack on our democracy, et cetera, et cetera, i wouldn't recommend renting to melissa. [ laughter ] sorry, melissa. your next vacation rental will have bars on it. one guy from texas, a gentleman named garrett miller. according to the fbi, garrett posted a 14-second video with the caption "from inside congress." and to put the icing on the idiot cake, he posted a photo of himself in congress on his facebook page. and that resulted in an amusing court filing. "after miller posted the selfie above showing him inside the u.s. capitol building, an individual on facebook commented, "bro you got in? nice!," to which miller replied,

"just wanted to incriminate myself a little lol." [ laughter ] lol indeed. i think that's the first recorded case of selfie-incrimination. [ laughter ] there are so many examples of this kind of thing. one guy texted a photo of himself to his girlfriend's brother, the brother is a federal agent. [ laughter ] some women are using dating apps to catch these dopes. "a friend of a friend changed her preference on bumble to conservative. she's matching with maga bros and they're bragging and sending her pics and videos of them in the capitol. she's sending them to the fbi." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] like shooting catfish in a barrel. this is alarming, for those of you who have the new iphone 12 and need help keeping your heart beating. an ominous alert from apple, warning customers to keep their iphone 12 at least 6 inches away from their pacemaker. they say it's important to do this because the new iphone has magnets and radios that emit electromagnetic fields that can potentially interfere with an

implanted medical device. like a pacemaker. is there anything from last year that isn't trying to kill us? [ laughter ] please. and while this is concerning for apple, it's very good news for their competitors. in particular, cricket wireless. who today unveiled their new slogan. "cricket won't make your heart stop!" [ laughter ] in other technology news, twitter last night said goodbye to the mypillow guy. mike lindell. [ applause ] are you just on auto-clap now? [ laughter ] is that what's going on? mike lindell, the mypillow guy. is kicked off twitter for posting the election was rigged over and over again. twitter had enough. can you imagine, 10 years ago, if i told you a former crackhead pillow executive would be kicked off twitter for helping donald trump overthrow the government? i feel like we're not fully appreciating the comedy here. [ laughter ] imagine if one of biden's

closest advisers was the guy who invented the shake weight. we wouldn't let that -- it's incredible. if you wrote this character, you'd get an award. mypillow, the company right now, is having a tough go. business is suffering, as many big box stores take his product off the shelves. people are tired of the nonsense. it's time to say goodbye to mypillow, and hello to something more inclusive. >> it's a new era in washington. time for a new beginning. a new spirit of unity and common purpose. time for a new pillow. ourpillow. "snugger together." >> available at no more walgreens. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you know what? when they pill-low, we pill-high, that's right. [ laughter ] the senate impeachment trial is set to begin two weeks from yesterday. today, only five republicans voted in favor of the trial, which means there's no chance trump will be convicted. even mitch mcconnell, who specifically said trump provoked

the crowd, voted against it. i knew we should have been suspicious when he did the right thing. that was a sign. [ laughter ] some republicans say impeachment would divide the nation even more, some made the ridiculous claim it's unconstitutional to convict a president after he leaves office. but of all the silly arguments from that side, the one that makes the least amount of sense comes from trump's former ambassador to the u.n., nikki haley. >> i don't even think there's a basis for impeachment. the idea that they're even bringing this up. they didn't even have a hearing in the house. now they're going to turn around and bring about impeachment, yet they say they're for unity. i mean, they beat him up before he got into office. they're beating him up after he leaves office. i mean, at some point, i mean, give the man a break. >> jimmy: yeah, i mean -- [ laughter ] your honor, people were screaming at him when he broke into the bank, they were screaming at him when he robbed the bank, the police caught him robbing the bank, it's enough already, move on! [ laughter ] this is the tough on crime party. this is the party that

investigated benghazi for over two years. we still don't know what benghazi is. this is the man who still hasn't admitted he's lost the election. move on. it's been almost a week, we've got to move on from this. meanwhile, another trump apologist is plotting her political future. i mentioned last night, sarah huckabee sanders is running for governor in her home state of arkansas. her dad was governor there so she has big feet to fill. she today picked up a major endorsement. >> today i announce my candidacy for governor of arkansas. our state needs a leader with the courage to do what's right. not what's politically correct or convenient. as your governor, i will not be intimidated by the serious challenges we face. i'm fighting for you. i will not retreat. i will not surrender. as governor, i will defend our freedom and lead with heart. i hope you will stand with me. may god bless america and may god bless the great state of arkansas.

[ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, no. i honestly have no idea what that means. [ laughter ] last night i explained in detail how difficult it is here in california to get an appointment for a covid vaccination. after tens of hours online, we were able to get them for my in-laws. my father-in-law, my mother-in-law, we got them in two different places, an hour's drive apart. my mother-in-law had her appointment this morning at el camino college. down in the south bay. when she got there, they told her they gave the employees two days off and no one was there to give any shots and they'd try to work her in thursday or friday. so things are going great here. [ laughter ] vice president kamala harris got her second dose of the vaccine today. and the woman who gave it to her also gave us the unintentional joke of the day. >> when are you going to put it in? >> i hear that a lot.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: sorry, honey. people are ready to be done with this. people are tired of being at home. some are starting to let their guard down in surprisingly stupid ways. there was an outbreak of covid, at least 15 people were infected after going to a birthday party for a cat. [ laughter ] for real. and here's the thing, i get it. you've been isolated for months, avoiding gatherings, eating at the counter in the kitchen every meal. then an evite to a cat's birthday hits your inbox. you're just like, "we'll attend." [ laughter ] next thing you know, you're eating a slice of tuna fish cake. [ laughter ] that happened in chile, by the way, not florida. here's an item from the sunshine state. there was an important update in the case of masturgate. today a federal judge has ordered that the video of new england patriots owner bob kraft in which he is allegedly nude, oiled, and exposing his pigskin, be destroyed.

[ laughter ] so that it will never be seen. by human eyes. which i'm okay with. for me, that's right near the top of things that should never be seen with human eyes. so now if you want to watch someone pleasure an old man just watch msnbc's coverage of joe biden. [ laughter and applause ] no drumroll, thank you. this administration is different yesterday the white house corrected a story that said president biden had removed trump's famous diet coke button from the oval office. they say that did not happen, he did not have the button removed. but he did do away with the fried chicken catapult. [ laughter ] a former white house official said trump wouldn't even use that button very much. he'd still call the guy in and ask for a diet coke. i think that's worse. that means he had a diet coke button on his desk and still said, "hey, will you get me a diet coke?" just push the button! [ laughter ] the right-wing media is in a bit

of tailspin right now. without trump. they're not sure what to do what to talk about. they spent last week making up new conspiracy theories. tucker carlson accused cnn of dropping their covid tracker now that biden is president, which they didn't. but now millions of the old white people who watch him believe that they did. and one of the conspiracy theories that's been going around involves me. back in 2014, we had a segment on the show where we went out on the street and asked people if they knew who joe biden was. a lot of people didn't, even though he had been vice president for like six years. and the conspiracy theorists jumped on this. this is a post from reddit that claims our show removed that video from youtube to help biden win the election. propaganda war. which is very silly, unless they're super popular, we take most of the videos down because they're old. this was one of them. i'd forgotten we did this, and in hindsight it's even more interesting to look at. so in the interest of bipartisan unity, please enjoy people on the street, not knowing who joe biden was in 2014.

>> who is joe biden? >> i have no idea. >> do you want to take a guess? >> a man. [ laughter ] >> who is joe biden? >> joe biden. wasn't he -- our governor? i think he's the governor? >> joe biden, i don't know. terrorist group? terrorist? >> who is joe biden? >> no comment. >> who is joe biden? >> who is joe biden? i have no idea. >> do you know who our vice president is? >> um -- no, i don't. >> do you want to take a guess? >> condoleezza rice? >> that's it. >> am i right? wow. >> first female black vice president. >> joe biden is a senator. >> how do you know that he's a senator? >> from references and news and casually reading newspapers or coming across things on the internet, to be completely honest. >> joe biden. is he a movie star? >> uh -- i don't know.

the guy, joe biden, he is a republican, and he's going to be president soon, i'm assuming? >> do you think he's someone who would be a friend of obama's? >> uh -- no, he looks like he probably wouldn't be with the obamas. >> how come? >> i'm basically going off skin color right now. [ laughter ] i have heard him bashing him, things that he does. he's not supporting the democratic party or whatever like that. >> who is joe biden? >> joe biden? i don't know who that is. >> if i show you a picture, does that help? who is this man? >> oh, joe. i've seen him in movies. >> what movies? >> some movies, i don't know. >> what movies? what are some of them? >> i cannot tell you. is he going to be here? >> "pines" >> oh, yeah, he's that old dude there. [ laughter and applause ] >> do you know who anyone is right now?

>> i'm really [ bleep ]ed. yeah! >> he's coming into town today or something like that? he's like the assistant president? [ laughter ] >> that's right, he's the assistant president. >> assistant president, right. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he got a promotion. we have a great show for you tonight. cousin sal is here, music from death cab for cutie, and be right back with anthony anderson. okay i've got your w-2s just a few more questions. who's that? that's dave, a free turbotax live tax expert. why do you need a tax expert? i've always done those for you. my taxes are different since i moved out. besides, dave's advice is free and i can file for free. hey dave, if my son still eats my food does that make him a dependant? haha haha, no. file a simple return for free now with advice from a turbotax live expert.

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back. tonight his new book, he wrote it himself, is called "you can't lose them all: tales of a degenerate gambler and his ridiculous friends." cousin sal iacono is here. [ cheers and applause ] i call him cousin sal because he's my cousin. named sal.

then, later, they are celebrating the state of georgia and its music with this, "the georgia ep." death cab for cutie covering tlc tonight. that will be fun. tomorrow night, naomi watts and leslie odom jr. will join us. and on thursday, michelle pfeiffer, george lopez, and music from arlo parks. so please join us for all that. [ applause ] our first guest this evening is good at everything he does. he's a nine-time emmy-nominated actor and producer with two peabodys and an acapulco black film festival award to boot. on tuesdays, he stars in two shows. "black-ish" and the game show "to tell the truth," both on abc. please welcome anthony anderson. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you? wow. [ cheers and applause ] >> guillermo!

what's up, baby? >> guillermo: good to see you! >> jimmy: what's this? this is something else. is this a thing or did you have this crafted as a joke? >> jimmy, i can't hear you in my bubble! hold on one second. >> jimmy: can you unzip the ear part or something like that? what is that? >> i'm turning it off, jimmy. >> jimmy: wow, you look like marvin the martian with that thing. >> yeah, man. hey, i don't take this lightly, brother. >> jimmy: yeah, well, you say you don't take it lightly, but as i recall in march, when covid started, you hugged me and said, "don't worry, black people don't get covid." [ laughter ] is that really a product for sale? >> no, it is, man, i bought it online. >> jimmy: you did? >> yeah, it's called -- it's a bio visor. >> jimmy: it looks like somebody wasn't able to sell their baby

seats and they converted it to make it for covid. >> after tonight, hopefully i'm going to be the new spokesperson for the bio visor. [ laughter ] no, man, i was thumbing through -- i just one night, during these covid days, i came across it and bought some for the family. this is the first time that i'm wearing it with you tonight. >> jimmy: i have the feeling it's the last time you'll wear it. [ laughter ] >> not at all, jimmy. how you doing? >> jimmy: good. you know it's our 18th anniversary. >> yes. >> jimmy: as i mentioned, you were here right at the beginning. >> yes. >> jimmy: april 2003. >> am i an idiot? how do you remember those dates? >> jimmy: they wrote it down for me. >> okay. >> jimmy: i was trying to remember. what do you remember about that night, anything? >> i don't remember anything about that night. 2003? >> jimmy: let me jog your memory a bit. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: the guests were hal sparks and, oh, the band was the polyphonic spree. there were like a million of them, they were out on the stage. >> wow. >> jimmy: and you, and i think that's it, yeah. >> wow.

>> jimmy: so you don't remember it, i guess. >> you should do a "where are they now" from that episode. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that would be fun, actually. >> yeah, you should just go back in time. just pick the shows that you did, man. where are they now? just see where they are. >> jimmy: we could start with you, and you're right there. >> okay there you go. all right, this is the beginning. >> jimmy: regina king was on the show a couple of weeks ago. i felt so strange about this. she told me something about you that i didn't know and i felt i should have known it. we talked about it on the show. it's that you're a gardener, that you grow vegetables. >> i had no idea that you didn't know that i thought when i came by your house that day, after "live in front of a studio audience," and i saw your garden, i thought i mentioned that to you. >> jimmy: no. >> i've been gardening, man, for ten years now. >> jimmy: wow. >> i haven't had a chance to be in my garden lately because of "black-ish." but the two years prior to "black-ish," so nine years, two years prior to "black-ish," i was in there every day and growing everything.

>> jimmy: we have a picture -- this is a community garden that you started? >> yeah. i'm in my community garden. >> jimmy: did you build the plant beds? >> i built that myself, by myself. >> jimmy: wow. [ cheers and applause ] impressive. >> it's 20 by 50. it's 1,000 square feet. i brought in my own soil, turned it, it's all organic. i grow everything that's in season. >> jimmy: you get a lot out of a garden that big, right? >> yeah, 1,000 square feet. the house i grew up in in compton was only 1,500 square feet. >> jimmy: the whole house? >> the whole house. that's almost as big as my house in compton. >> jimmy: let's look at some of your crops here. eggplant. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: you've got a lot of good-looking tomatoes. >> i grew 30 varieties of tomatoes. >> jimmy: and this. >> ha ha! the piece de resistance! yeah, that's all organic zucchini right there. >> jimmy: i love what you've done with your home. [ laughter ]

>> well, i was separated at the time. leave me alone. just me and my zucchini. >> jimmy: it does seem like you were holding up that zucchini as a threat. what do you do, eat all of it? you must have more than you could possibly eat. >> it is, i would give a lot of it away. most people bring wine to friends' homes when they're invited over? i would go to my garden and put a bounty of my harvest together for you and bring it to your house. >> jimmy: how did you learn to do this? >> on my own, but i grew up, my mother had a garden, believe it or not. every black person in the hood has a corner in their backyard, if they have a backyard, where they have a collared green tree. we started with a collared green tree. then my mother got hooked on zucchini. she just started growing zucchini around this chain link fence around our house. from there, zucchini was in everything. >> jimmy: everything you ate had zucchini in it? >> everything from that point on had zucchini. i love zucchini in spaghetti

now, but growing up a kid in compton? the only thing i wanted in my spaghetti was sauce and meatballs. my mother put zucchini in the spaghetti. >> jimmy: yeah, that's okay. >> it wasn't back then, jimmy. [ laughter ] it wasn't back then. when your boys are coming to your house to eat, what the hell is this in the spaghetti? >> jimmy: oh, i see. [ laughter ] >> i don't know, you got to talk to my mama. but then my mother would surprise us with etiquette class after she was giving us different foods to eat. she would be like, etiquette class! we'd be like, what the hell is etiquette class? my mother would teach us to do a formal place setting. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, but we didn't have china. [ laughter ] so my mother used paper plates, paper cups, plastic ware. >> jimmy: did the kids pay attention? >> we did, man, we did. i can set a table like -- like you were in buckingham palace. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're a real martha stewart, i didn't know. i got you a present, so hopefully you'll have a little bit of time when you start gardening again.

>> can i open this up? >> jimmy: open it up right now. it might not be the right size. we can tailor it for you. it's a little ll cool j-esque. >> oh! >> jimmy: you need overalls if you're going to garden, right? >> oh, ha ha! [ applause ] yeah, gimme, baby! gimme, baby! >> jimmy: anthony anderson. we'll be right back. ♪

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what if i were to give you an opportunity to learn more about the black experience? >> yes. >> ask me anything. >> anything? >> yes. >> anything? >> no question is dumb. >> great. what is bruno mars? he's black, right? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: black-ish. anthony anderson is with us. cousin sal is on the way. >> you have to tune in for the answer! >> jimmy: this is your third time on abc this evening. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you were on "black-ish," "to tell the truth" which i was on tonight. >> you were on the show tonight. >> jimmy: we had fun. >> you played horribly.

i thought you would have been a great contestant. >> jimmy: i was cocky driving in, like i'm going to be great at this, are you kidding me? i learned i would not be a good detective. like if i was with the police force, i would be a meter maid or something. >> after awhile i really thought you were going to be the big dummy of the night. >> jimmy: i was the big dummy of the night! >> you were? >> jimmy: yes! i was the big dummy of the night. big dummy of the night. >> oh, man. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you forgot that? >> jimmy: i did. >> i did, we have a lot of dumb people on the show. [ laughter ] a lot of dumb celebrities out there, guys. >> jimmy: i guess i was one of them, i was there. and you're shooting "black-ish." you worked today? >> i did. >> jimmy: there's going to be another "ish" show coming. >> hopefully. >> jimmy: hopefully, okay. >> yes. >> jimmy: hopefully. >> hopefully. i believe it's -- i believe it's coming. it's "old-ish." >> jimmy: "old-ish." okay. which would be? >> moms and pops.

>> jimmy: mom and dad, okay. with "black-ish" and all the different "ishes," is dre going to be alone in his house? >> i hope so, then i can have some peace of mind. >> jimmy: that would be nice. >> yeah, yeah. it's interesting, man. this whole "ish" universe that i'm a part of with my partner. >> jimmy: a great title and you can build on it over and over again. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: your mom doris who was on "to tell the truth" with you, did she get the vaccination? >> no, she hasn't gotten it yet. i asked her why, in the dressing room, i asked why, jimmy's asking. she goes, i'm going to wait till it's just one shot. >> jimmy: no, really? >> she goes, i'm going to wait till johnson & johnson has it. i said, you're going to wait for the company that has two names to get one shot? [ laughter ] okay, mama, all right. >> jimmy: are you going to strong-arm her into getting it? she needs to get it.

>> she's going to get it, she wants to wait. my mother, she's a grown woman. she's going to do it, she just wants to wait. she doesn't want the two shots. i said, mom, they're going to have the same dosage in the one shot. she's like, yeah, it's only one stick, i'm good. she's going to wait. >> jimmy: it's the needle she's scared of? >> yes, it's the needle. >> jimmy: oh my god. tell her i said hello. "to tell the truth" and "black-ish" on abc tuesday nights. anthony anderson, thanks for being here so many times over the years. [ cheers and applause ] be right back with cousin sal! ♪ bring it first time i saw you, you blew my mind ♪ ♪ i got this feeling everything was alright ♪ ♪ i've never known someone like you ♪ ♪ but when i'm with you every day is brand new ♪ ♪ new new new new ♪ ♪ new new new new ♪

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♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. music from death cab for cutie is on the way. there have been many memorable cousins in american history. cousin oliver, cousin brucie, cousin itt, but our next guest is the only nfl media star who was banned from nfl media day. watch him every day on fox bet live, listen to his podcast "extra points," and his memoir, "you can't lose them all: tales of a degenerate gambler and his ridiculous friends" just came out today. please welcome cousin sal iacono. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> can you spread corona through a crotch shot?

>> jimmy: i don't think you can, but as i walked down the stairs, the guys told me, protect your nuts. >> who are they? i'll never talk to you again, whoever said that. look at this, where's everybody? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: everybody left. >> this place used to be packed. did you get canceled or something? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, when you left, sal, things really took a turn for the worse. >> i get it. because you stopped serving beer. >> jimmy: that's probably what it was. >> happy anniversary. >> jimmy: thank you very much. happy anniversary to you, too. the first question i have is, are you really my cousin? >> yes, how does it work? your mother and my father are brother and sister. >> jimmy: that's right, okay. the book is very funny. >> thank you. >> jimmy: many of the stories are about our family, growing up. >> yeah. >> jimmy: really, gambling is in our blood, i think. mostly in the women of the family. >> yeah, right. >> jimmy: our grandmother, it was like -- it was almost like her job. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: to play bingo. >> yeah. why didn't you get the gene? you got the, i'm going to host every charity event gene. [ laughter ]

i'm stuck with the gambling. >> jimmy: i grew up in las vegas, you grew up in long island, i don't know how it happened. >> got it out of your system. >> jimmy: i do remember grandma would go to the kingsway theater in brooklyn to play bingo from 1:00 to 4:30. and then come home, make dinner. then go back out from 8:00 to 11:00 every single day. [ laughter ] >> god bless her. then she'd take us, right? >> jimmy: every once in a while she'd take us. >> we would spend our time dabbing each other with those markers and calling bingo when we didn't have it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> she threatened telling the bingo commission on us, which we took delight in, laughed and laughed. >> jimmy: we were not good bingo partners. we yelled bingo and all the old people would be furious immediately. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: our aunt chippy is the one who set the hook. >> she really did. aunt chippy, god rest her soul -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: she's not -- >> she's not? >> jimmy: she made it. >> i need to check in more. grandma's gone, right? >> jimmy: grandma is gone, gone for a while. >> aunt chippy.

i would visit you from age 13 to 16 every summer. you were in las vegas, i'd visit your family. and our cousins aunt sally, aunt mickey, aunt chippy's family, uncle frank. i was a newspaper boy for "newsday." i'd take my money i earned off the route. she would play video poker. in a bowling alley. >> jimmy: yep. >> a bowling alley in a casino? >> jimmy: particularly son lanes, no, charleston lanes, just a bowling alley but slot machines in the bowling alley in vegas. >> slot machines everywhere, like at the urinal at the taco bell. [ laughter ] i had to stand 30 feedback. i gave her $20 to play with. we had a system. if i held up a 3, that meant she was to keep the third card of the five that were dealt. >> jimmy: you were how old? >> 13. [ laughter ] old enough, i think. then the system got crazy. she wasn't -- she's like what are you holding up? we ended up screaming. "keep the deuces, drop the queen!" we hit four 4s. i made like $120.

she's like, sal, we're not playing anymore. i know she was serious because she had hushed tones and she's never like that. >> jimmy: no, never hushed tones. >> we're walking away. and that's that. you earn six times your money. i listened to her. but not for the rest of my life for sure. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no. almost immediately you were passing out parlay cards in high school. aunt chippy was nice enough to contribute a blurb for your book in which she wrote, "i swear to god you little [ bleep ], if you wrote anything stupid about me, i'll kill you." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> yeah, that's it. if corona doesn't get me, she will, because there's a lot of stupid [ bleep ] there. >> jimmy: you were bitten at a bowling alley in las vegas by a radioactive gambling bug and you became spider-man. what's the worst bet you ever made? >> oh, man. that's like asking which child i hate the most. which is harrison. he's sleeping. no, i have to say you were

involved it in. it was a bad beat. you were hosting the oscars. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> you were nice enough to have me write on the show, as a lot of people in the audience have. and i -- that couldn't leave well enough alone. that should have been a great moment. i had to then go and make like a five-team or five-leg parley with best picture, best supporting actress, best director -- i forget, but i needed best picture to win. "la la land" was supposed to be the winner, right? i mean, had won all the bafta, i don't know, all the indicator awards it was supposed to win, golden globes, everything. and it was announced the winner. i'm cashing in, great. and then it was crazy. like four producers with ponytails are running around, men. [ laughter ] i'm like, oh-oh, this doesn't look good. sure enough, you know the rest. they called, what was the winner? >> jimmy: it was -- >> "moonlight." >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> how could i forget? doesn't matter, you guys are celebrating because the show is over, you didn't have any care

in the world that i had lost. >> jimmy: i'm so sorry. i want to show a clip, right at the beginning of the show. when we were kids we used to pillow fight. roll the clip. this is lennox lewis pillow fighting cousin sal. lennox lewis' mother is on stage, why, i don't know. anna nicole smith and don king are also on the stage. [ laughter ] this was, as i recall, this ended badly. >> yeah. >> jimmy: not just for you, really for the whole show. lennox lewis risking his career fighting you. >> so i was the champ. and i knew what i was doing. i had that down-up move, you know that. >> jimmy: strong move. >> eventually -- lennox is 6'7." look how fat i am, what happened? guillermo, i'm supposed to lose weight. lennox is 6'7". so eventually he has leverage on me. i got frustrated. there was a cake for anna nicole smith, it was her birthday. i pick up the cake, i throw it at lennox, it kind of misses and

gets in his mother's eyes. i run backstage. his henchmen are waiting for me, lennox lewis. it was bad. i'm like, come on, it was just a joke. they're like, what's funny about lennox's mother having cake in her eyes? i didn't have an answer for that. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> i survived, went into the green room. a couple of minutes later our executive producer summoned me and said, you need to apologize to anna nicole smith, you hit her with a pillow and her leg is swollen. which sounds ridiculous. i was like, no, i didn't. you have to do it any way, apologize. i go in, and her manager, howard stern, he was between radio gigs? >> jimmy: howard k. stern. >> a different howard stern? he's screaming at me, howard k. stern, you apologize! she's in tears, crying. you apologize right now! the tape shows i wasn't within seven feet of her ever, i don't know what goes on. but i apologize. to this day a lot of people blame me for her death.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: no one does. >> i don't think it's fair. >> jimmy: no one blames you for that. you've caused a lot of sorrow, but not that death in particular. this is the book. "you can't lose them all." cousin sal. your last name's iacono? i didn't know that. >> conan gave me two segments. [ laughter ] >> thanks for doing our show. we'll be right back with death cab for cutie! [ cheers and applause ] ve? -yes. -the answer is no. i can help new homeowners not become their parents. -kee-on-oh... -nope. -co-ee-noah. -no. -joaquin. -no. it just takes practice. give it a shot. [ grunts, exhales deeply ] -did you hear that? -yeah. it's a constant battle. we're gonna open a pdf. who's next? progressive can't save you from becoming your parents, but we can save you money when you bundle home and auto with us. no fussin', no cussin', and no --

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back. tonight's music is from this, "the georgia ep," which celebrates artists from the state of georgia, with their cover of tlc's "waterfalls," death cab for cutie! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ a lonely mother gazin' out of the window staring at her son that she just can't touch ♪

♪ if at any time he's in a jam she'll be by his side but he doesn't realize ♪ ♪ he hurts her so much but all the praying just ain't helping at all 'cause he can't ♪ ♪ seem to keep himself out of trouble so he goes out and he makes his money the ♪ ♪ best way he knows how another body lying cold in the gutter ♪ ♪ don't go chasing waterfalls please stick to the rivers and the lakes ♪ ♪ that you're used to i know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all ♪ ♪ but i think you're moving too fast ♪ ♪ little precious has a natural

obsession ♪ ♪ for temptation but he just can't see she gives him loving that his body can't handle ♪ ♪ but all he can say is baby it's good to me one day he goes and takes a glimpse ♪ ♪ in the mirror but he doesn't recognize his own face his health is fading and ♪ ♪ he doesn't know why three letters took him to his final resting place ♪ ♪ don't go chasin' waterfalls please stick to the rivers and the lakes that ♪ ♪ you're used to i know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all ♪ ♪ but i think you're moving too fast ♪

♪ don't go chasin' waterfalls please stick to the rivers and the lakes that ♪ ♪ you're used to i know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all ♪ ♪ but i think you're moving too fast ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ don't go chasin' waterfalls please stick to the rivers and the lakes that ♪ 're used to i know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all ♪ ♪ but i think you're moving too fast ♪

♪ don't go chasin' waterfalls please stick to the rivers and the lakes that ♪ ♪ you're used to i know that reon hr orthing a♪ ♪ but i think you're moving too fast ♪

>> jimmy: thanks to anthony anderson, cousin sal, death cab for cutie. apologies to matt damon. "nightline" is next. happy birthday to us. tomorrow, is guillermo's 50th. we will celebrate that appropriately. thank you for watching. good night.

♪ this is "nightline." >> tonight, anna nicole smith. behind the sex, fame, and prescription drugs, how heartbreaking loss took a devastating turn. now the new interview with the former lover. >> next thing i know, i've got any bags packed and i'm moving in with her. >> one daughter's journey on a path to learn about the mother she never knew. uncovering the path from playboy to high-profile marriage to being in the middle of a paternity suit. >> my life is like the living soap opera. dry, distressed skin that struggles? new aveeno® restorative skin therapy. with our highest concentration of prebiotic oat