>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- riz ahmed, nicole byer, and music from norah jones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. thank you, thank you. very nice, thank you. welcome, i'm jimmy, the host of the show. thank you for watching and thanks for coming -- [ cheers and applause ] oh, that's very kind, thank you. it's festive around here, and it was a festive night in our nation's capital tonight. at the white house, the

president and first lady were on hand for the 99th annual lighting of the national christmas tree. the event was hosted by ll cool j. originally snoop was set to host, but he canceled once he found out it wasn't the kind of "tree lighting" he was used to. [ laughter ] it was a star-studded lineup that is going to air as a tv special, sunday night on cbs. and the event itself is very different from the previous administration. >> it's the 99th annual national christmas tree lighting ceremony from washington, featuring president joe biden, buggy rides, nonalcoholic cider, the world's biggest gourd, performances by the pennsylvania state war widows choir, marie osmond, lesley stahl, billy davis jr., and marilyn mccue. and the president's own regiment of penny is whistlers. hosted by ll cool jj, from "csi"

or "ncis." the 99th annual christmas tree lighting ceremony only on cbs, following an all-new episode of "bull," which is still on. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, that's good, i didn't know that. good for "bull." this is some event. this might seem like we faked it, but we didn't. grampotus even gave a nice little shoutout to l.l. >> and a special thanks to tonight's host, ll cool j. i tell you what, man. he looks like he can still play. and i'm not talking about instruments, i'm talking about football or something. anyway, i tell you what. >> jimmy: i'll tell you what. the tree's not the only thing lit tonight. [ laughter ] it's good they got the tree lighting done tonight, because by saturday the government might not be able to pay for electricity. congress is once again racing to pass a deal to keep the government funded and avoid a shutdown. if a resolution isn't passed by the senate, the government would run out of money tomorrow at midnight. i don't understand this. donald trump isn't president anymore.

why are we still running the country like it's one of his businesses? [ laughter ] a number of republicans in the senate were saying they might vote against it as some kind of protest against the biden administration's vaccine mandate. we really are at a level of crazy that's hard to understand. these guys are threatening to shut down the government because the president is trying to protect us from a deadly disease. it makes no sense. it's like running your minivan off the road because you don't like the song on the radio. [ laughter ] biden said he spoke to mitch mcconnell and chuck schumer and believes there won't an shutdown -- "unless somebody decides to be erratic." and by "somebody," he means ted cruz. the senator from texas. hot dog teddy seems to be desperate for attention again. ted cruz and i had an interesting back and forth today. last night, i posted a picture of him, naked, sitting on a hot dog on twitter. [ laughter ] so this morning, he took time away from holding the government hostage, to tweet: "so, ever since i kicked his ass at basketball, jimmy kimmel has been kinda obsessed. last night, he put out a really

creepy fake picture of me --" they're all creepy, by the way. [ laughter ] "naked, riding his hot dog. sorry, jimmy." and then a meme that i think is from "jeopardy!" of a contestant saying "what is, he's just not into you?" so i wrote back. polite thing to do. "dearest ted, what a strange erotic fantasy you turned this into. i'll see you in cancun." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i get it, he doesn't like the picture. so please do not tweet this photo of ted cruz using the hashtag "hotdogteddy." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] he doesn't want it. he doesn't have time for nonsense like this. he's busy trying to shut the country down. [ laughter ] any chances with this omicron g- variant. the german government today announced a nationwide lockdown. for people who aren't vaccinated. always a little scary when you hear the words "germany" and "lockdown" in the same sentence. [ laughter ] unvaccinated germans will be banned from all but the most

essential businesses. they will only be allowed to go to supermarkets, pharmacies, and stores that sell black turtlenecks. that's it. [ laughter ] germany has one of the lowest vaccination rates in western europe. the only shots germans take are jagermeister and rumplemintz. [ laughter ] back here in the united states, more cases of omicron were reported today. one in colorado, one in minnesota, and five in new york. president biden today unveiled his plan to fight covid and omicron during the winter. international travelers coming into the country will now have to show proof of a negative test the day before they leave their country. and biden is requiring insurance companies to cover the cost of at-home covid tests. you know what? maybe they can combine the at-home covid tests with pregnancy tests. "honey, i have good news and i have bad news." [ laughter ] biden said his plan "pulls no punches" and that he believes it could unite the country.

[ laughter ] yes. at this point, dolly parton and a tub of super glue couldn't unite this country. [ laughter ] meanwhile, our former president dialed up his fox & friends this morning on the phone, guess he hasn't figured out facetime yet, biden is doing and give a quick but powerful lesson in revisionist history. >> he's done an absolutely terrible job, getting it out, and getting people to take it. people just don't want to take it. the vaccines have been -- i have to be very proud of the vaccines, we did it in less than nine months. people said it was going to take 5 years to 12 years and probably wouldn't work. they work incredibly well. some people don't want to take them and that's their freedom and that's what we have to do. but people don't want to take them because they don't trust biden, they don't trust the administration. we had none of that, everybody was fighting to take them, we were doing great. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what are you even talking about? the first vaccine was given on december 14th after you lost the election. the only thing people were fighting over when you were president was toilet paper. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] it's like he's talking himself into something.

"i invented the vaccine, it's the best vaccine, but people shouldn't take it if they don't want it, especially not if joe biden, who had nothing to do with it, is telling them to take it. and they should take it, but they also shouldn't if biden tells them to, because if it weren't for me we wouldn't even have a vaccine for people to refuse to take!" is that clear? or should i keep going? because i can go for hours. [ cheers and applause ] meanwhile, it hardly seems possible but there's an even dumber donald trump out there, donald trump jr. [ laughter ] he was on "hannity" last night. sean welcomed the human sweatstain whose reason for appearing on television was to slander dr. fauci. >> he doesn't know what he's talking about, he's a bureaucrat. he's not a good doctor, he's a bureaucrat. they're going to implement draconian measures to shut down our economy because they don't care, there's no consequence. as long as we keep giving that clown his 15 minutes of fame, the tv that he so desperately craves, we're going to be in these lockdown situations

forever. >> jimmy: that's a very interesting clip. because it's hard to figure out if he's talking about dr. fauci or if he's talking about himself. [ laughter ] let's play it back piece by piece. >> he doesn't know what he's talking about. [ ding ] >> jimmy: that's you. [ laughter ] >> as long as we keep giving that clown his 15 minutes of fame -- [ ding ] >> jimmy: that's you. >> the tv he so desperately craves -- [ ding ] >> jimmy: and you. [ laughter ] >> we're going to be in these lockdown situations forever. >> jimmy: i believe psychiatrists call that projection. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: boy. he sure does talk about the economy a lot for someone who never had to go out and get a job. [ laughter ] have you seen the trailer for the new "magic mike" movie? [ cheers ] steven soderbergh announced what will be the third movie in the "magic mike" series. they are bringing back some of the original cast. and they've added some fresh new faces too.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ laughter ] [ cheers ] >> buenos dias! >> jimmy: the poodle is off the leash! and one more thing before we forge ahead. it's thursday night which means it's time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week, whether they need it or not. it's "this week in unnecessary censorship." [ cheers and applause ] >> if you are vaccinated but still worried about the new variant, get your booster. if you aren't vaccinated, get that [ bleep ]. >> why are they [ bleep ]ing mike lindell?

i did nothing wrong. you know, why did jimmy kimmel [ bleep ] me every night? >> dr. fauci, who will give a brief statement and then answer some questions, he does have a hard [ bleep ]. >> tiger revealing his injury was so bad his doctors considered cutting off his [ bleep ]. >> you have to [ bleep ] till it hurts but you can't go overboard, that's the hard part. >> when i first met tony, somebody came to me after the show and they said, tony bennett would like to [ bleep ] you. and i said, excuse me? >> i can barbecue the hamburgers on my [ bleep ] and hand them off. >> happy national [ bleep ]ing day. did you [ bleep ] today? >> oh, i [ bleep ] at night. that's not true, i [ bleep ] during the day. >> [ bleep ]ing grandma. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, we are going to take a break. when we come back from the break, we're going to discover

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. riz ahmed, nicole byer, and the show tonight.jones are on - but first, for those who don't know, tonight is the fifth night of chanukah. last night the white house held -- >> diedle deedle diedle deedle. >> jimmy: oh no. no, no, no. >> shalom, happy chanukah everyone! >> jimmy: ugh. shalom, gary. >> jimmy: happy chanukah to you.

>> happy chanukah. do you know what night it is? >> jimmy: what night? >> everybody knows it's the fifth night of chanukah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is -- what do you call yourself? >> i'm not gary. i am the chanucorn. the magical chanukah unicorn we all know and love. >> jimmy: gary, i've told you this repeatedly in the past, i don't know how many times, we're not doing this. i'm sorry. this is one of our writers, gary greenburg. he's come up with this ridiculous chanukah unicorn character. [ laughter ] he's been trying to get it on the show for 12 years or something like that -- >> no, eight years. >> jimmy: okay, eight. >> wait a second, eight years? eight nights of chanukah. this is the year you finally believe! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: or maybe it's not. chanucorn is not a real thing, gary. >> is santa a real thing? >> jimmy: it's not even a "not real" real thing, it's a nonsense character you made up. >> stop being a negative nazi. [ moans ]

>> jimmy: well, come on now, gary. >> jewish children all over the world know my origin story. >> jimmy: you have an origin story? >> of course i have an origin story. as a small child, i was bitten by a radioactive rabbi. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay, you're wasting time. we have guests tonight. >> if i'm not real, how do you explain what happened last thursday? >> jimmy: what happened last thursday? >> the grand finale of our parade, the eagerly awaited arrival of the star of our holiday season. >> shalom! shalom! happy thanksgiving! [ cheers and applause ] look, there's a sale at macy's! nobody told me how drafty it would be up here in the sky, where i totally am right now. >> you see? i'm a national treasure! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yes, you're right. that was clearly a fake video -- >> oh, it was fake, so now the jews control the media? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i did not say that. i know you badly want to become a beloved holiday character -- >> did somebody say a beloved holiday character? [ cheers and applause ] it's a kwanzaa miracle!

>> jimmy: what is going on here? this is another one of our writers, troy. >> no, i'm not troy. i'm the kwanzaaroo. [ cheers and applause ] the mystical kwanzaa kangaroo who brings joy to black children and white kids with dreadlocks. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did you put him up to this? >> no! what in moses' name are you doing? this is my thing! >> it's 2021, chanucorn. there's room for all of us beloved holiday characters. [ cheers and applause ] >> no, no, no! jimmy, do something! >> jimmy: what do you want me to do? >> i don't know, tell him to stop! >> jimmy: i told you to stop eight years in a row, you don't listen. >> but i'm real, and he's just meshugganeh. >> jimmy: whoa. >> i see. so the chuanucorn can be real, but the kwanzaaroo can't be? sounds like the chanucorn is a chanu-karen! [ moans ] >> i am not a chanu-karen! >> jimmy: you are being kind of

a chanukaren. [ laughter ] but kwanzaaroo, to be fair, i've never heard of you either. >> you weren't watching last thursday? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what happened last thursday? >> hey, happy thanksgiving from the kwanzaaroo! remember, white people, season your food this holiday! don't put raisins in your mac and cheese! [ laughter and applause ] the kahn intra kwanzaaroo up here in new yok city. i'm high as a [ bleep ] above new york. >> jimmy: i appreciate the special effects.ou put into the- but surprising, bou're prtic. [ ] les ap thiup before we all get cancel [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i don't think that's a good idea. >> oh. i see. a fat, trespassing, bearded white man can give out gifts but a black kangaroo can't? [ moans ] >> jimmy: you're right, give them out. [ cheers and applause ]

>> i want to let everybody know name reaching into my pouch right now. [ laughter ] for gifts! and gifts alone. everybody be cool. [ laughter ] who wants kwanzaa presents? [ cheers and applause ] yeah, i got cocobutter for everybody. no ashy look out there. i got you something too. >> jimmy: you did? >> let me see if i can find it. >> jimmy: don't look too deep. >> it's a dvd of "bei bei's kids." >> jimmy: i love that, wow, thank you. that's very nice, wow. >> you've always had good taste. and chanucorn? >> vus? [ laughter ] >> i didn't forget about you. >> you didn't? >> i got you a signed photo of drake. >> wow.s and applause ] drake is my favorite jewish rapper. [ laughter ] let me see what the inscription says.

"dear chanucorn, i believe in you. yolo, drake." [ cheers and applause ] he's still doing "yolo." i'm verklempt. kwanzaaroo, thank you from the bottom of my tsitzis. [ laughter ] and i didn't forget about you either. i got you the greatest gift of all! i got it for everybody! ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only dreidel dog! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: wow. wow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: all right. the dreidel dog. the chanucorn. and the kwanzaaroo, everybody. we'll be back with riz ahmed! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: all right, hi, there. welcome back to the show. tonight, from her new netflix comedy special "nicole byer: big

beautiful weirdo," nicole byer is with us. [ cheers and applause ] then later, she has nine grammys and a new album called "i dream of christmas," the luminous norah jones from the mercedes-benz stage. [ cheers and applause ] next week you should join us because we've got all new shows with a wonderful group of people. including will forte, rob mcelhenney, lily collins, and guillermo del toro. we'll have music from courtney barnett, amine, and sting. and on tuesday, the force of nature known as jb smoove will be guest hosting the show. i have an excused absence because i'm teaming up once again with the legend, norman lear, and kerry washington for another installment of "live in front of a studio audience." we are reviving "diff'rent strokes" with damon wayans as willis, john lithgow as mr. drummond, ann dowd as mrs. garrett, and kevin hart as arnold. and "the facts of life" starring kathryn hahn as jo, gabrielle union as tootie, allison tolman as natalie, jennifer aniston as blair.

and in a mystery role to be named later, the great jon stewart making a rare network television sitcom appearance. [ cheers and applause ] that will be fun. we have some surprise cameos too. that happens live tuesday night, december 7th, 8:00 p.m., here on abc, home of the whopper. [ cheers and applause ] please join us. our first guest is an oscar-nominated and emmy-winning actor, rapper, and hands down the best riz in the biz. his latest is the psychological thriller "encounter." >> hey. when you get back to school, can you imagine the crazy stories you're going to have? >> can i tell them about gunfiring? >> i'm not sure, that's top secret, that's just for the crew. that's just for the musketeers. but you can tell them you went on a crazy road trip with your cool-ass dad. smile. smiling is the best disguise. okay, a little too much, it's scary, dude. you're looking like an alien, smile normally.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: "encounter" opens in theaters tomorrow and premieres pon amazon prime video december 10th. please say hello to riz ahmed. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i like this. it looks great on you. i would look so stupid in that, so incredibly stupid. i wouldn't even be able to get -- i'd get out of my car and get right back in and go home. >> i think you can pull it off. >> jimmy: i don't think so, no. >> it's actually from the last show for louis vuitton designed by virgil abloh. [ applause ] >> jimmy: who passed away, wow. that's nice tribute. and happy birthday, it was your birthday yesterday. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you, yes. >> jimmy: can you say how old you are? >> yeah, i'm 39. >> jimmy: 39, all right. that's a big one. >> you say, you don't look 39. >> jimmy: you don't, you hear that a lot. i'm surprised you're 39.

>> so am i. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: sneaks up on you. >> what happened? >> jimmy: did you have a party, did you do anything? >> actually, some family was in town. i went to universal studios. >> jimmy: you did? [ cheers ] what are you, 8? [ laughter ] >> trying to go backwards. yeah, i'd never been so i decided to go check it out. you know, grabbing on to the inner child with both hands. i was a massive transformers fan as a kid. >> jimmy: they have a transformers thing? >> they do, but it was weird for me. >> jimmy: why? >> because i was the oldest person there by 30 years. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's weird, yeah. >> so that was weird. >> jimmy: pretend you have a kid, you can't find him. [ laughter ] >> exactly. that's even more creepy. >> jimmy: maybe so, yeah. >> i turn up, i saw bumblebee. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> the big yellow transformer, speaks in radio. >> jimmy: uh-huh? >> and i was so excited to see,

a massive transformers fan as a. you play 50 cent's "it your birthday." the guy running the controls is playing that. people whose birthday it is are coming up, he's dancing with kids, women. i'm there. i'm excited. [ laughter ] i'm very, very excited. phone out, selfie mode, ready to go. i go up. he plays "it's your birthday." i start dancing. i look up and bumblebee is giving me the stink eye. [ laughter ] i just look at him. the look he had on his face -- i think he hated me, man. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh! >> yeah, it's kind of weird. i haven't been able to get it out of my head. >> jimmy: for real? >> i'm thinking, if bumblebee is watching at universal studios -- i think i might know him and might have done something to him in the past. [ laughter ] i'm sorry for whatever it was. >> jimmy: did you ever consider the possibility that bumblebee may have been starstruck? or maybe bumblebee usually only celebrates children's birthdays?

[ laughter ] and he's like, what is this guy doing? i'm a transformer. he's an adult. >> i suppose it could be. >> jimmy: it could be either one of those three things. i hope there's no bad blood between you and bumblebee. >> yes. >> jimmy: i'd hate to see your childhood memories be soiled in that way, it's just horrible. what were your childhood memories of birthdays? did you have traditions in your family? something you guys did every year? >> i had a tradition i thought everyone did but i realized it was just my family. >> jimmy: what was it? >> basically -- let's say it's a kid's birthday. they sing "happy birthday," he blows out the candle, cuts the cake. all the other cousins would be crying out of jealousy because it's not their birthday. >> jimmy: right, yeah. >> so instead of us teaching kids, wait your turn, we just recut the cake for every single kid in the family. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you light the candles again? >> light the candles again, sing it in english and urdu.

by the end the cake looked like a murder victim. [ laughter ] just 15 kids have cut that cake, whacks all over it. >> jimmy: this is why you think you're 39, you had so many birthdays as a kid. you're miscounting or something. >> exactly. >> jimmy: that's very odd. that is very odd. >> yeah, thanks, thank you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: because my kids will do that, but we usually get them a little present to kind of make them not feel bad about the avalanche of presents the other one is getting. >> okay. >> jimmy: we never thought about recutting the cake. >> still bribery, what you're doing. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: definitely, whatever, it's bad parenting, whatever it is. you celebrate your birthday. you have this movie now. i have to tell you, i am not sure what i'm allowed to say about the movie. othr than that kid was super cute. >> yeah. i think that's all we can say, really. >> jimmy: is it really? >> we can just move on. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i know i can say, it's very interesting. >> it's a fascinating movie. >> jimmy: yes. [ laughter ] that's all you can say.

>> check it out, check it out. it's interesting. because it's one of those films where if you say anything, you might give things away. >> jimmy: right. >> i will say, you said it, psychological thriller. >> jimmy: yes, psychological thriller. >> i can say that, that's safe, we can say that. we can say it's about a father/son story. it's really about a father trying to keep his family safe at all costs, in a very uncertain world. >> jimmy: yes. and you have two boys in this movie. >> i do, yeah. two amazing, amazing actors. >> jimmy: that little boy we just saw, who's super adorable. then his older brother, who is how old? >> i think at the time they were like 8 and 11. 8 and 10. so you got the older one, lucian-river, incredible actor. the younger one, aditya, amazing in different ways but still amazing. they say you shouldn't work with kids and animals. chaotic. it was because it was- >> jimmy: you saw what happened with the dreidel dog. [ laughter ] >> yeah. for me it wasn't that, you shouldn't work with kids because they're just better than you.

i was getting my ass kicked every day on set. >> jimmy: you felt like that? why? >> because they were amazing. i'd be on set. i'd be looking around thinking, oh, it's the kid's first time on a film set, try and make him feel -- give him some candy. i look over. he sat in the car we're filming in an hour before the scene, crying, ready for the scene. just doing the thing. i'm like, i've got to up my game, man. [ laughter ] i was going home every day going, the kid's kicking my ass every day. i'm trying to make him feel better, he's like, "not now, i'm getting ready for the scene." [ laughter ] he's amazing. i start hanging out with the other kid, aditya. he's a master at improv. i promise you, not a single line in the film he says was in the script. >> jimmy: really? wow. >> i'm like, this guy's so confident, amazing. i find out today doing interviews, he's never read the script. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: can he read? >> i think so.

[ laughter ] yeah, i think so. but i was like -- the whole time i was like, that's great, i should improvise more. so he was like, dude, you just don't read the script. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's a heck of a piece of acting advice. >> yes. these guys were my teachers, they took me back to acting school, teaching me opposite things. >> jimmy: i will say about this movie, two things, it's really good. and you're in it. [ laughter ] >> correct, that's good. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: happy birthday. riz ahmed, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] "encounter" opens in theaters tomorrow and amazon prime on december 10th. we'll be back with nicole byer.

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(music)

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there. music from norah jones is on the way. our next guest hosts two tv shows and four podcasts, which is just above the legal limit. she's a very funny comedian too with a new standup special called "nicole byer: big beautiful weirdo." it premieres tuesday on netflix. please welcome nicole byer! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> how are you?

>> jimmy: i'm doing all right. how are your holidays going so far? >> honestly, not well. >> jimmy: not well, oh. >> december 1st i'm like, okay, it's a new month, let's quit smoking. and it is now december 1st -- what is it, 2nd? >> jimmy: 2nd. >> she hasn't made it a day. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: really? you quit smoking yesterday? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and how many hours did it last? >> five. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what was that moment where you broke down and had one? >> i was in traffic, i was like, everyone drives like an idiot, i am very angry! i got home -- i love this. >> jimmy: i see, yeah. people who smoke really love it. >> oh, they're delicious. they kill you, but yum, yum, yum. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: everything delicious does, really, you know? so you're smoking. you're going to continue or try to give up again? wait till new year's. >> i'm not basic. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did you quit smoking everything or just tobacco?

>> just tobacco. come on. life is stressful. let me get high, you know? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: one of your podcasts is called "why don't you date me?" >> yeah. >> jimmy: the idea is just that, right? >> yes. i'm truly searching. why won't anyone date me? and i recently had a little slumber party with someone, she got [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] and later he was like, you know you snore, right? i was like, i guess. he's like, you also moan. i moan? okay. he's like, and you fart. i was like, oh my god! is this the reason? because i'm a monster when i'm sleeping? and i won't be quiet even when i'm sleeping? >> jimmy: did you appreciate his honesty? >> no! [ laughter ] no. keep that to yourself, hide that in your heart, that's rude. he needs to look at me, "you're beautiful."

thank you, you know? >> jimmy: i moan also in the night. >> you do? >> jimmy: yeah, i don't know why. >> i don't know but on planes now i know why the flight attendant's like, "you had a good slumber." [ laughter ] thank you? now i know. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: your standup special, "big beautiful weirdo" is on netflix. >> yes. >> jimmy: not only do you do standup, you do a bit of dancing. >> yes. >> jimmy: when i say dancing, i mean pole dancing. [ cheers and applause ] it's a little bit hard, but once you know what this is, what you're wearing, you're wearing a hamburger-themed bikini. [ laughter ] >> yes. the lettuce, got some tomatoes. [ cheers ] there's cheese in the bra. yeah. i want to show everyone i'm fat yet flexible. >> jimmy: very impressive you're able to do the splits. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i couldn't even come close to that. where do you get something like that? >> i was on instagram. have you heard of it? >> jimmy: i have. [ laughter ] >> i was perusing the explore page. it showed me this hamburger

bikini, cellar stage apparel. i hae no idea where i'm going to wear it, and also, i love spending money, i might as well just buy it. i bought it with no intentions. and then i was like, oh -- what am i wearing for my special? let's do that. also it came from new zealand. it was a whole journey. also i have a sexy pig costume that i don't know where i'm going to wear that either. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: do you know how to pole dance? is it a skill of yours? >> yeah. i've been taking classes for, like, three years or so. i love strippers. my god, i love strippers. >> jimmy: you do? [ laughter ] what is it that you love about strippers? [ cheers and applause ] >> right? yes. >> jimmy: there are quite a few guys nervously not clapping. [ laughter ] >> they're like, not me! no, support sex workers, i love them. athleticism. the acting. like they like the person. [ laughter ] it's just so impressive. >> jimmy: what's the first time you went to a strip club, do you remember? >> yeah, it was in kansas. it was this club called

babydolls. >> jimmy: in kansas? >> i was on tour with a bunch of improvisers, real nerds. we were like, let's go to a -- wait, i was like, let's go to a strip club. so we go to the strip club. this woman, foxy, was there. i love foxy, this beautiful black lady, huge afro. she tells one of us to stand up and then she grabs this bar on the ceiling and swings her [ bleep ] right into his face. [ laughter ] and wrapped her legs around his head. and then shook him. [ laughter ] then when she swung back, i have never seen a man happier. [ laughter and applause ] never. i was like, let me do that. let me do that. >> jimmy: was he happy to have been released? [ laughter ] >> well, you know, who knows. i don't know. >> jimmy: it's funny because your shows nailed it in "wipeout." >> sure. >> jimmy: very family friendly. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: a lot of kids watch. may god help them if they watch your standup special.

i mean, if they happen upon it. oh, i know her! and then -- >> they see it, they'll understand i have range. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's a positive way of looking at it. so in addition to jokes and all that stuff, you do an impression in your -- a celebrity impression. >> yeah. >> jimmy: one impression. >> just one. >> jimmy: one. >> it's beyonce. [ cheers and applause ] i just love the way beyonce talks. it's so wonderful. i talk about her being in "the lion king." she's just like, "simba." i didn't see the movie but that's what i assume she sounds like. >> jimmy: you didn't see "lion king"? >> sure didn't, no. >> jimmy: you're doing an impression of beyonce not singing but speaking? >> speaking, i love her speaking voice. "jay, where are the children?" [ cheers and applause ] "thank you, thank you so much for being here." it's like, oh, okay. i love the way she sounds.

>> jimmy: there's a little singing in her voice when she speaks. >> a little bit, uh-huh. it goes up and down. she's the best. do you know her? >> jimmy: you know what, i wouldn't say i know her, but i've had her on the show and she's lovely. >> invite me back when she's there. >> jimmy: she won't come back. >> what did you do to her? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you want to know? she saw me in my underpants. [ laughter ] >> oh. >> jimmy: yeah, that's not a joke. [ laughter ] so -- okay, you've got the standup. i'm thinking about this appearing in front of beyonce in my underpants, which was humiliating. >> i'm sorry i made you relive that. >> jimmy: do you do other impersonations? >> i used to do emma stone. >> jimmy: really? >> ha, it's me, emma, emma stone, wah, i was in "superbad." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: any impersonation that includes the person's name, "hi, it's me, emma stone" is not a good impersonation. >> i know.

well, okay. i'm just -- i'm black. [ cheers ] i didn't want people to start wondering, is that emma stone? >> jimmy: okay, we'll give you a pass on that one. nicole byer. "nicole byer: big beautiful weirdo" premieres tuesday on netflix. [ cheers and applause ] and "wipeout" returns january 11th on tbs. we'll be right back with music from norah jones. [upbeat acoustic music throughout] [upbeat acoustic music throughout]

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>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: are you feeling the spirit? this is her album, it's called "i dream of christmas." with the song "christmas calling," norah jones! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ i wanna hear the music play i wanna dance and laugh and sway ♪

♪ i want a happy holiday for christmas i could call you on the phone instead of sing example all alone ♪ ♪ i sing a song that feels like home this christmas ♪ ♪ and the snow is falling can't you see is it christmas calling out to me ♪ ♪ if i could be with you tonight beside a fire shining bright i'd

open up to all of your light ♪ ♪ this christmas this mistletoe hangs over me i'm looking all around for glee ♪ ♪ so santa give me what i need this christmas ♪ ♪ and the friends who feel like family with their secret angels holding me ♪ ♪ and the snow is falling can't you see ♪ ♪ is it christmas calling out to me ♪

♪ is it christmas calling out to me ♪ ♪ is it christmas calling out to me ♪ ♪ i wannabe a jolly jones instead of feeling all alone ♪ ♪ i sing a song that feels like home this christmas ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.

♪

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks to riz ahmed, nicole byer, and norah jones. apologies to matt damon. "nightline" is next. thanks for watching. and you know what? thanks for listening too. goodnight.

♪ tonight, after the fall of afghanistan. we're with the most vulnerable. >> afghanistan is a time bomb. and it is ticking. you have an interconnected humanitarian disaster. >> with u.s. forces gone, what happens to those left behind? >> are you the last female journalist left in afghanistan? >> no, there is a lot, but they are not showing themselves. >> desperate to be free of taliban rule. and inside the forbidden school for girls. >> this is illegal. why are you running a school and risking everything? >> this special edition of "nightline," "after the fall," will be right back.