>> right on jimmy >> lou: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live" with guest host sean hayes! tonight -- natalie portman, b. scott, and music from meghan trainor featuring teddy swims, with cleto and the cletones. and now, sean hayes! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

>> thank you. very nice of you. thank you. please. as oprah would say, take a seat. welcome to "jimmy kimmel live." i'm your guest host, sean hayes. jimmy is on vacation doing what he does best, falling asleep on the toilet for days at a time. [ laughter ] this is my final night guest hosting. i know, i'll miss me, too. but i thought maybe the best way to express my feelings about my lovely week here at the show would be through song. oh, i'm not going to sing, but it would be the best way. we've had a good run and the youtube comments have been effusive. "have no idea who sean hayes is." "who the hell is sean hayes?" "who he?" he, me.

and just to clear things up, i am sean hayes, award-winning actor, producer, lover. [ cheers and applause ] i know it can be confusing because there are a lot of sean hayeses out there. for instance, some of you may have been expecting to see this sean hayes, who's a canadian strongman. look at that guy. that sean hayes would've obliterated my mom's hoohah. [ laughter ] i'm just guessing. i'm also not the sean hayes who wrote this book about backpacking through the amazon. that is definitely not me. i hate snakes. and the woods make me rashy. and i'm so sorry to anyone watching because they think i'm wwe wrestling coach sean hayes. this might surprise you, but i will not be participating in

squatober. i'm still sore from the hammy i pulled last jog-ust. [ rim shot ] and lastly, i want to apologize to anyone who tuned in because you love the pre-owned corolla you bought from the sean hayes at stadium toyota in tampa. i'm talking to you, norma. five stars for "great service!"? is it sad that that's the best review i've ever gotten? yes, it is. but tonight, in the spirit of togetherness i would like to invite every sean hayes on earth to join me next squatober at stadium toyota in tampa for the first-ever "sean-a-thon." i'm gonna sing show tunes, amazon sean's gonna teach us how to drink our own pee, and canadian sean's gonna throw a couple land cruisers around the lot. it's the sean of a new era and

you're all invited! [ cheers and applause ] today as you may know was take your dog to work day. and tomorrow is "clean poodle shit out of the break room carpet" day. this week was also the 146th annual westminster kennel club dog show and the winner was -- [ drum roll ] a dog. the award for "best in show" went to a bloodhound named "trumpet." and the best part is, he has no idea. here's trumpet celebrating with his handler seconds before he decapitated her. the runner-up this year was a french bulldog named winston. winston is the alternate, meaning he would be sworn in as best in show in the event trumpet tries to incite a dog insurrection and overthrow the kennel club.

[ laughter ] in florida this week they found the most florida thing of all, a 215-pound burmese python. it's over 18 feet long. so just a little bit smaller than my -- come on, it's funny because it's true! have you been following the herschel walker campaign-slash-slow motion trainwreck? herschel walker, of course is the former football star who traded his helmet for a maga hat and could be the next republican senator from georgia. if elected, he would make history as the first u.s. senator to not know how many states there are in the u.s.

[ applause ] >> yes, he thinks there are 52 states. a lot of people forget about east virginia and mexas. i guess technically there are 52 american states if you count hopelessness and depression. and by the way, he's leading in the polls right now, which makes us the dumbest country in the world! usa! usa! [ chanting ] usa! this is an interesting development for men who like to masturbate. guillermo, pay attention to this. >> guillermo: okay. >> chinese researchers have reportedly invented a mind reading device that can detect

when guys are looking at porn. apparently, you can tell a man is watching porn because the electronic patterns show a spike in brainwave activity and also his peen is out. [ laughter ] meanwhile, researchers in texas have made some new discoveries about the coronavirus. it turns out women are more likely to experience long covid, while men are much more likely to claim they have really long covid when it's really average at best. while we have tamed the pandemic in many ways we all still have questions about covid from time to time. and you just wish you had a doctor that could answer them for you. luckily now you do. and his name, is me. that's right. in 2013 illinois state university bestowed upon me an honorary doctorate. a certificate that qualifies me to answer any medical queries you might have in these confusing times. and i never even had to go to doctor school or whatever it's called! so it's time once again, for

dr. sean's covid corner! ♪ here's a question i get a lot, "experts say we're out of the 'pandemic phase' of covid- is this true?" yessiree, the virus is out of the "pandemic phase" and is now entering its "rebellious phase" where it will get a nose ring and do whippets with its friends behind an arby's. another one i've been getting lately is, "why is ba 2.12.1 called a subvariant?" there's a query that knocks me socks off. "subvariant" means a variant of a variant. but in this case, we use the word "sub" because it came to life when a new york subway rat ate a pigeon who had eaten an infected calzone. the rat then bit a breakdancer who spread it all over with a windmill halo headspin. it was like "breakin' 2: electric booga-flu." [ laughter ] here's a question i've seen a

lot on facebook, "does the vaccine prevent me from getting pregnant?" n-to-the-o. the vaccine does not prevent you from getting pregnant. the reason you're having trouble getting pregnant is because you're a 58-year-old guy named dennis. [ laughter ] that's my 58-year-old brother, dennis. [ laughter and applause ] never give up. occasionally, i get questions about other viruses of concern like this one, "i recently read that monkeypox is a new disease that primarily targets homosexuals, is this true?" not in these trousers, buddy boy. monkeypox has been around for decades and can infect anyone, it is not a homosexual disease. that's a rumor started by right-wing homophobes because the first case of the disease was discovered in curious george, who happens to be a monkey. and happened to be curious about his sexuality during freshman

year of bible college. when he experimented with his roommate, a baboon named fabulous bruce. my honorary doctorate extends to other scientific fields as well such as zoology. so here's a question from my colleagues at the san bernardino zoo, "is it true that koalas can catch chlamydia?" sadly, yepperdoodle. in some parts of australia, 90% of the koala population has chlamydia. it's been a long time since they've had a "g'day" in their furry little vaj-emites. [ laughter ] so why is this venereal disease so prevalent among koalas? it's because koalas have two thumbs on each hand. and as a result, it's nearly impossible for them to put on a condom. koalas might look cute, but in reality they're thirsty little -- who raw dog each other in eucalyptus trees. trust me i'm dr. sean!

and one more thing, it's time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week, whether they need it or not. it's "this week in unnecessary censorship." [ cheers and applause ] >> today is the day the celebrate dad. and the best present you can give him is probably just being together. >> i went to my reunion, there was [ bleep ] a lot of friends. >> president citizen he's [ bleep ] fine after [ bleep ] hard. >> i've been staying inside. i [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. >> arnold schwarzenegger was on with jimmy kimmel and shean hays was the guest host. >> i did a [ bleep ] whoa. >> you can report [ bleep ] you see on the city website. >> we [ bleep ] two dead people when i wrote my letter to

congress. subsequent to that we [ bleep ] two more. >> he [ bleep ] for a lot of years. >> i'm going to put it like this. [ bleep ] each other. >> do something that you are nudists. >> depends. but i might [ bleep ]. >> [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] >> we've got a good show for you tonight. online sensation b. scott is here. we have music from meghan trainor featuring teddy swims. and we'll be right back with natalie portman. [ cheers and applause ] meet renee. bank manager and mom of the year. but when she gets on her bike, she becomes rebel renee. (motor revving) rebel renee is the most outspoken member of her book club. and she didn't even read the book. it's rumored she once used her phone at trivia night. cleveland. and she isn't above greasing some palms to get things done. and rebel renee rides with geico.

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tonight, they're huge online and i'm so excited they're here. b. scott is with us. then later, a grammy award-winning songwriter. her new album called, "takin' it back" comes out october 21st, megan trainor featuring teddy swims on the mercedes eq stage. all next week, chelsea handler will be hosting the show with her guests paris hilton, joey king, see-moo lee-oo, taron edger-ton, her boyfriend jo koy, and many more. our first guest tonight is a very talented oscar- and golden globe-winning actress who finally returns to the marvel cinematic universe, and this time, she brought a hammer. "thor: love and thunder" opens in theaters july 8th please welcome natalie portman. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] how are you? >> i'm so good. >> if you only knew what a

gigantic fan i am of yours. >> thank you. it's mutual. >> i met you once at the golden globes. it was like, natalie, the nerdest of the nerds. you were on your way to the bathroom. >> no. >> you were very nice. i felt so, like, fanny-outy. >> that's sweet. i still get -- intimidated by the situations. >> really? >> i feel like most of the time, i'm -- >> i know. i know. here's, like, me, no filter at all. you know? hopefully this doesn't embarrass you. i said if there were two people i would go straight for, it e carrie russell and natalie portman. >> that's a huge compliment. >> it's true. >> what are you godoing later? >> shadily, that ship sailed about 45 years ago. but i'd love to grab a brunch.

[ laughter ] i'm honored that you're here the night your premiere is happening across the street. [ cheers and applause ] i mean, what is that like to be done and walk across the street to your own, big, massive movie? it's so crazy. are you going to go boop, boop, boop. >> i don't think i'm going to walk. i can't walk that well. >> really? >> i will go close. and i'm sorry for the traffic. i know it's closed off. >> i know. isn't it cool knows it's for you? >> it's not for me. it's the movie. >> it's for you. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] i know, one of the producers said that you were bakiing carrt cake. do you like to bake? you would think i would have done that years ago. but it's therapeutic, right? >> it's calming. >> are your kids good at it,

like you? >> i don't think any of us are good at it. but we like it. and during the pandemic, we were really trying things that, my husband made bagels. like, if you know the way to a jewish girl's heart, that's it. he was like, boiling it and baking it. >> really? was it like a plain or an everything bagel? >> it was plain. >> he's working his way up. >> you have to start somewhere. >> i thought it was the greatest, i made banana bread. and i took it to friends. thanks, anybody can make this. >> you know, i think that's really ungrateful. i would have a talk with them. >> do like a group chat. >> yes. >> how old are your kids? >> a 5-year-old and 11-year-old. >> wow. and the 11-year-old's name is -- >> my 5-year-old is amalia. >> pretty name. >> thank you.

>> do they know that mommy's the new thor? the new, mighty thor? do they get that? >> they're really excited about it. it's pretty cool to have something that my kids are thrilled about. usually, they're like, don't go to work, mommy. they're like, go, go, go. >> not like my mom. >> my daughter got -- on her own, the nanny got a doll. and she came home with it. >> got to have it. >> yes. >> i know. [ cheers and applause ] she's been running around with it going, supermommy. >> isn't that wild? >> it is wild. >> you're in a marvel movie. >> i'm also 41.

that's pretty cool. like, you don't get to be like a superhero -- no one's like, let's see who is in their 40s who can be a superhero? i'm so lucky. this is so awesome. >> like a roladex. >> can you change the head? >> can you? >> you have two heads. >> that's so creepy. >> do you put it on top? >> that's a lot of head. we will cut that out. i know that your kids don't have like the "star wars" dolls, right? >> no, they haven't. [ cheers and applause ] yu have to go to an antique store. this is like 1998. >> yeah. during my gay antique shopping. what's this?

natalie will love this. >> thank you. that's really thoughtful. >> yeah. i went all over town. you shot "thor" in australia? >> yes. >> and before i want to get there, you were in the first two. >> uh-huh. >> you skipped the third. you are not three, but four. >> yes. yes. i appreciated that. >> tell me about shooting in australia. hot? what is it like? >> australia is a dream. >> i've never been. >> you got to go. it's the most beautiful place. friendliest people. everything is wonderful. >> did you bring your kids? >> my kids got to come, which was amazing and my husband. it was lucky, during the pandemic, they had a strict quarantine system, so they didn't have covid for a very long time. >> one of the first people to figure it out.

>> for the time we were there, from was no covid. when we had come from full lockdown, virtual school and everything. my kids were able to go to in-person school. it was a privilege. >> chris' kids, for a period of the shooting, came into town and went to the same school as my kids. >> that's so schcool. >> that was nice for them to have other kids that were new. and school pickup at the same time. and i felt so bad. i'm small and kind of camouflage with the moms. and he comes in, it's like a greek god walking through. and he's trying to be -- he's really famous everywhere. especially in australia. >> of course. >> so, so well-known. kind of by the tree, hiding.

>> for the kids? >> yeah. we're just -- it felt like a weird sitcom. the superhero of the school pickup. >> i just picture, i picture all of the little kids. your kids coming out in the "thor" costume. where is mommy and daddy? when we come back, we'll look at a clip. we have a world premiere clip of the movie. tessa thompson was here. she showed us something new and different. we're going to show that. more with natalie portman after this. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by wendy's new strawberry frosty for a limited time.

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[ cheers and applause ] welcome back. here with natalie portman. amazing natalie portman, that i love so much. have you seen the movie yet? >> i've seen cuts of it. >> it's cool that they don't show you the movie until it happens. >> it will be cool to see it with an audience. >> like, on the finish? lucky for you guys, we have a clip. [ cheers and applause ] >> you're back.

[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> that's so cool. now, is -- did we just show how it ends? [ laughter ] amazing. i love that. [ cheers and applause ] comic-con, bestowed upon you, we have a picture, the hammer, right?

i love that. and such a deserving recipient of that. i love marvel. but i'm not as deeply rooted in it as my husband. he's going to come out and ask a couple fan questions because he loves you and loves this franchise. >> that's so cool. >> there he is. [ cheers and applause ] did you pick that up today? >> it was in the back of the closet. [ laughter ] don't judge. okay. u.you look amazing. >> oy. >> is the jane foster in this movie from earth 616 or travel to earth 616 by another dimension from the multiuniverse? >> ooh. >> i don't know what that means. [ laughter ]

>> she passes on that question. >> will we see thor and jane foster get back together? i wrote some fan fiction where they did. so, that would be really big for me. >> that is such a good question. >> oh. >> i can't tell. >> we can't reveal anything. >> i would love to read your fan fiction. [ laughter and applause ] >> in this movie, jane foster gets thor's powers. does she get them through the act of lovemaking? >> that would be quite a hammer. just a hammer. [ cheers and applause ] >> that is a rhetorical question, right? >> none of these, she's answered so far. >> one more. >> this is hypothetical. say you dress up like your

favorite superhero and your husband makes fun of you. what would you say to sean? i mean, him? any advice for him about me? >> love them exactly the way they are. [ cheers and applause ] >> thanks. natalie portman, everybody. we can't wait for "thor: love and thunder." we'll be back with d. scott. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> lou: next week on "jimmy kimmel live" -- you know that show i was telling you about? yeah i was so close to the stage when i saw her and she...

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[ cheers and applause ] thank you, everybody. this being my last show of the week, and i'm not going to be coming back for a while, i thought it would be nice if we, first made out. and then -- [ laughter ] and then, got to know each other a little bit after that. this is my last time. i want to know if you have any kind of -- the differences between me and jimmy?

>> guillermo: you're doing a great job. >> thank you. >> guillermo: fantastic. i like it because you're just being yourself. you're having fun. >> like you are. >> guillermo: exactly, yeah. have fun. >> i learned it from guillermo rodriguez. that's the name of my book. are you excited about thor? >> guillermo: i'm very excited. >> are you a big marvel person? >> guillermo: a little bit. i cannot remember all of the names of the characters of the movie. >> do you remember my name? >> guillermo: yeah. sean haiyes. >> very good. what about natalie portman? were you freaking out about natalie portman? >> guillermo: she looked great. she's a great actress. >> she is. she's a beautiful person. but also an incredible -- like a human being and a great actress and all these things. did you -- did you see her on the way out?

>> guillermo: i talked to her and everything. i interview her an saturday. >> what do you mean? you interviewed -- >> i'm going to interview. the whole cast of the movie, saturday. >> what do you mean? >> guillermo: yeah. >> like a correspondent? >> guillermo: yeah. >> you're stressing me out. everybody, guillermo rodriguez. we'll be right back with b. scott. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ care for a drink? it's a carbonated wheat grass cocktail with kale flakes. it's the only thing we've got. >> got anything with less bubbles? >> nope. >> yes, you do! >> whoa! who are you? >> i am keep-it-real-man, and i'm here to keep it real. don't drink bubbles! have a non-carbonated loyal 9 vodka lemonade made with real vodka and lemons. >> and low carbonation. >> thanks, keep-it-real-man! >> you're welcome. >> this fourth of july, loyal 9 wants you to keep it real, man. [ cheers and applause ] what's wrong with action figures?

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[ cheers and applause ]

welcome back. our next guest has gone from youtube celebrity to dishing on other celebrities, hopefully not me, on their very popular website "lovebscott.com," please say hello to b. scott. [ cheers and applause ] that is amazing. can i touch this? >> yes, you can. >> that's incredible. are you in "thor" too? >> natalie was here. i had to do a little something. >> did you meet her? >> catch her. hu hurry. did you design this? >> this is by designer, ray ortiz. i didn't know when i approved it, that it would be misery.

>> well, >> guillermo: you can put that out, can't you? [ laughter ] >> no speak english. [ laughter ] >> you look gorgeous. this is your first late night appearance? >> this is my first late night appearance. >> that's amazing. >> my mother is watching. hey, mom. >> hi, mom. >> and you're my last guest. i guess it was meant to be. >> oh. >> it is meant to be. what are the odds that you would be the guest host on my appearance, jimmy kimmel live. you meant so much to me when i was coming up. 1998 when "will & grace" came -- >> don't say the year. >> and to see a character that be authentically themselves, it encouraged me to be who i am. [ cheers and applause ]

>> tell me about you. your background. you grew up on a farm? >> i grew up on a farm. >> clearly. >> the stork dropped me off on the wrong house. >> did you make your food and milk the counties? >> my father wanted me to do the farmwork. i didn't do it well enough. i was driving the tractor, he would be cussing me out. and all of my favorite animals were murdered. [ laughter ] >> that's hilarious. >> like, piggy. and the farm -- >> did you embrace those animals like a dog? like a pet? >> yes. i bonded with them. i loved them. and we always had the most uncreative names for everything. piggy. kitty. don't have time to be creative.

how did you make it to l.a.? >> i moved here with three red suitcases and a dream. >> i moved here, never visiting here. yeah. i had a friend with an apartment. i drove out here. >> look at this synergy. >> isn't it amazing? go for it while you're young. plan "b" instead of farming. >> your website is very popular. >> it is. [ cheers and applause ] >> you post video blogs and stuff like that. >> when i first started. started in 2007. >> what was the first video? >> it was shemar being naked. >> i was like, the ding ding?

>> i posted a video of my excitement and it went vile before viral was a thing. it was everywhere. >> huge. success. >> okay. and. >> and it went viral. and the rest is history. continue to grow the brand. i started to interview celebrities. that's how i met mariah. >> you met her. how did you meet hersome. >> it started on twitter. nick cannon was a fan of my work. he saw my youtube videos. one day on twitter, he's like, what are you talking about? if you can come to vegas, i will make sure you meet her and interview her. at the time, i had no money. >> you couldn't get to vegas? >> i went and i used my rent

money. i got the camera crew. got the glam. i can't show up without any glam. it was baby glam. i get there and they told me, you only have 15 minutes. and we ended up talking for an hour and a half. we became close friends. >> everybody should relate to your story. to move out of the form, to be yourself. one small brave step, leads to bigger, braver steps, right? >> absolutely. [ cheers and applause ] >> with one caveat. i did get evicted when i came back. that's not because of you. you're a wonderful example. thank you for being here. we'll be right back with music from meghan trainor.

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. make it melt. ♪ cheddar, ♪ cook it up, stretch it out. ♪ ♪ we're breaking the mold. ♪ ♪ estado dorado. ♪ ♪ shining like gold. ♪ ♪ estado dorado. ♪ ♪ vive en el estado dorado live in the golden state ♪ and now most admired alum! get up there. this is so embarrassing. there's no way it's me. you know her.... you love her.... ruh roh. what are you doing here? it's anna gomez! who? our first gigillionaire! with at&t fiber, anna's got the fastest internet

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[ cheers and applause ] the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes eq. all electric, all mercedes. >> that's all the time we have. i want to thank natalie portman, b. scott. and of course, jimmy kimmel, wherever he may be. "nightline" is next but first, her album "takin' it back" will be out october 21st. this song is called, "bad for me" with some help from teddy swims, meghan trainor! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ please don't make promises that you can't keep your best intentions end up hurting me ♪ ♪ no matter what i love you endlessly i know we're blood but this love is bad for me ♪ ♪ i can't tell you what i want to say 'cuz i i'm afraid

that you won't change ♪ ♪ sometimes i just want to scream in your face but when you're in pain just walk away ♪ ♪ and my therapist told me to write you a letter mm-mm she said if i did ♪ ♪ it would make me feel better but it wouldn't do it even if i sent it ♪ ♪ 'cause you won't get it you're too damn selfish mm-mm please don't make ♪ ♪ promises that you can't keep your best intentions end up hurting me ♪ ♪ no matter what i love you endlessly but i gotta run i gotta run ♪ ♪ from your reality

i know we're blood but this love is bad for me ♪ ♪ damn it's hard for me to let go from someone i held so close mmm ♪ ♪ damn it's hard for me to draw that line and leave you on the other side ♪ ♪ but my therapist told me to write you a letter mmm she said if i did ♪ ♪ it would make me feel better ohh but it wouldn't do any good ♪ ♪ if i sent it cuz you won't get it you're too damn selfish oh ♪ ♪ please don't make promises that

you can't keep your best intentions ♪ ♪ end up hurting me no matter what i love you endlessly but i gotta run ♪ ♪ i gotta run from your reality i know we're blood but this love ♪ ♪ is bad for me and when you lie and when you lie there's a part ♪ ♪ of you that dies and i'm left with i'm left with it gets hectic ♪ ♪ it gets hectic and when you lie and when you lie i wonder why i try ♪ ♪ 'cause you can't help it you're too damn selfish mmm please don't make ♪ ♪ promises that you can't keep 'cuz your best intentions end up hurting me ♪ ♪ no matter what i love you endlessly but i gotta run i gotta run ♪ ♪ from your reality i know we're blood but this love is bad for me ♪ ♪ i know we're blood but this love is bad for me ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

♪ ♪ ♪ protests erupt across the

country, we're with both sides. >> the supreme court ruling shows that i never had the right to my own body. >> reversing roe, we've always considered that to be one of the first steps in our mission of making abortion unavailable and unthinkable in our nation. >> plus a look back at the landmark ruling. >> the supreme court today ruled that abortion is completely a private matter to be decided by mother and doctor in the first three months of pregnancy. >> the woman at the center of it all. >> she did not initially set out to become a plaintiff in