chelsea handler is your guest host. have a good night. [captioning performed by the nati >> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" with guest host chelsea handler. tonight -- paris hilton. matteo lane. and guillermo with the cast of "thor: love and thunder." and music from aespa. with cleto and the cletones. and now, chelsea handler! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ hi, guillermo!, guys!- hi! thank you, thank you! hi, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] love it! hi, hi, hi, hi! thank you so much. thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. welcome to "jimmy kimmel live." i am your guest host chelsea handler.

[ cheers and applause ] jimmy is taking the summer off because men are weak. [ laughter ] this is my third night hosting, and it has been a lot of fun. [ cheers ] on monday we talked about roe v. wade. last night i covered the january 6th hearings and jeffrey epstein. what should we do tonight? [ laughter ] guillermo, who do you like better, israel or palestine? >> guillermo: i like mexico. [ cheers ] >> chelsea: i also like mexico. >> guillermo: yeah, it's the best. >> chelsea: you know, a lot of the comments online have mentioned you and i have really good chemistry, do you agree? >> guillermo: yeah, i agree, like cereal and milk. [ laughter ] yes, good team. >> chelsea: thank you. go team, go team! >> guillermo: yeah! [ applause ] >> chelsea: while yesterday's news was all about donald

trump' totally psychotic behavior on the day of the insurrection, we also got a glimpse of melania's awfulness. her former chief of staff, stephanie grisholm, tweeted a screen grab of an exchange they had during the attack on the capitol. she texted melania, "do you want to tweet that peaceful protests are the right of every american, but there is no place for lawlessness and violence?" and melania wrote back, "no." [ laughter ] although this should come as no surprise when you consider all the terrible things melania has said yes to over the years. she said yes to visiting an immigrant and child detention center wearing a jacket that said, "i really don't care, do you?" she said yes to plagiarizing michelle obama's convention speech. she said yes to the most idiotic slogan in first lady history, "be best." [ laughter ] she said yes to questioning the legitimacy of obama's birth certificate.

and worst of all, she said yes to a proposal from donald trump! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] which is basically opting to go to a gold-plated prison and become a stepmother to the four vampire children donald trump calls his children. [ laughter ] speaking of women i despise, let's talk about virginia thomas, wife of clarence thomas. she's the worst. i don't want you to think i enjoy bashing women. i only despise women who fall into one of three categories. "they hate other women." "they're married to a man who hates women." or "they're a racist whose cover is being married to a black person." [ applause ] virginia thomas is all three. she's refusing to testify before the house select committee about her role on january 6th. she sees no reason to testify when all she did was help lay the groundwork for the riot, talk to everyone involved in planning the riot, and then

attend the rally that led to the riot. can she really just not go testify? how [ bleep ] up is it that virginia thomas is the only woman in america who still has the right to choose? [ cheers and applause ] also, ginni, virginia, whatever your name is. i'm gonna go with "vir-gina." [ laughter ] vir-gina's lawyer sent a letter to the committee that ended with pthis little gem. "i am left to believe if her name were ginni jones, the committee would never entertain speaking with her." yeah, no [ bleep ], sherlock. if her name were ginni jones, she'd be just another whack job, but it's not ginni jones, and that's the problem! she was texting conspiracy theories about the election to the white house chief of staff, and is married to a u.s. supreme court justice. the only justice, by the way, who voted against donald trump handing over documents related to january 6th. [ applause ]

meanwhile in new york, andrew giuliani, my half-baby, lost in the republican primary for governor last night. >> we're asking every new yorker for their vote at this point. we got three hours to go till the polls close. vote for andrew giuliani. come on out, do it, run through the tape. i love where everything is sitting right now but every vote matters so come out and vote. thank you. [ laughter ] >> chelsea: andrew, honey, i hope you know that you lost, not because of your swollen bee sting head, or because you've got a smile like a jack-o-lantern, or because you have zero qualifications. you lost because your last name is now toxic, because your dad had one week after 9/11 when he was considered a hero, but then he blew it when he went [ bleep ] nuts. [ cheers and applause ] there are so many questions left unanswered. would andrew have lost if his dad didn't try to overthrow

democracy from a landscaping store, or sweat gravy during a press conference? we'll never know. my baby is having a tough week. on sunday, rudy claimed he was attacked at a grocery store in staten island. and today, the mayor of new york is calling for an investigation into whether or not rudy filed a false police report. not only is rudy playing up the phantom assault, he's also using the story to brag about his physical prowess. >> a very, very heavy shot. now, i'm 78 years old. i'm in pretty good shape for a 78-year-old. not every 78-year-old is in as good of shape as me. [ laughter ] >> chelsea: you're not in good shape. i'm in good shape. [ cheers and applause ] mick jagger is in good shape. okay? [ cheers ] you look like a baked potato who got his ass kicked right before they popped you in an easy bake. [ laughter ] you know who else is in bad shape right now? r. kelly. [ moans ]

today r. kelly got hit with a 30-year prison term for racketeering and sex trafficking. yeah, we can clap for that. [ cheers and applause ] when he heard he was sentenced to 30 years, r. kelly asked if the judge would consider a younger sentence. [ moans and laughter ] back to women i despise, congressmonster lauren boebert of colorado won her primary last night. i believe boebert is one of the biggest maga morons ever elected to public office, and it's because of comments like this. >> the church is supposed to direct the government. the government is not supposed to direct the church. that is not how our founding fathers intended it. and i'm tired of this separation of church and state junk. it's not in the constitution. it was in a stinking letter. and it means nothing like what they say it does. >> chelsea: well, let's think about that, ya dumb bitch.

[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] because i tend to be skeptical about getting constitutional law advice from a human tramp stamp. [ laughter ] they frequently tend to skip right to the second amendment. if you'd bothered to read the first amendment, the very first words are -- "congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion." so it seems pretty clear that the government wants nothing to do with religion. secondly, if you're so keen on what the founding fathers thought, one thing they definitely thought is that women should shut the [ bleep ] up in public. [ laughter and cheers ] and not vote. and not be elected to congress. your buddy thomas jefferson wrote "governments are instituted among men." so unless you have a [ bleep ], the founding fathers don't care what you have to say. but lauren, i don't think you have a [ bleep ]. do you? i know your husband does, 'cause he allegedly showed it to some young ladies in a bowling alley, just like jesus wanted him to. [ cheers and applause ]

let all take a moment to remember that the founding fathers were a bunch of toothless dudes who took shedoobies in their backyard, thought that their wives were property, and wanted to protect guns that fired marbles and took 11 minutes to reload. and since we're paraphrasing jefferson's letters, he said "nothing is so disgusting" as a woman who isn't clean. google it. and while you're there, google "lauren boebert diarrhea" and you'll learn this dumbass owned a restaurant that served uncooked pork sliders at a rodeo which gave dozens of people diarrhea. [ laughter ] that's how lauren forces people to pray. they cry out "please god, stop me from making explosive diarrhea poo-poo in this rodeo port-a-potty." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] whoo! aah, things are getting me very hot and bothered. anyhoo, the next big marvel

movie on the way is "thor: love and thunder." [ cheers and applause ] which hits theaters july 8th. and to celebrate, the cast of the film sat down with guillermo to play a game he invented that's like "spin the bottle," but with thor's hammer. what's the name of thor's hammer, guillermo? >> guillermo: spin the -- malesiu? >> chelsea: close enough. here's guillermo and the cast of "thor." >> welcome to your best interview ever. >> i can't wait. >> okay, so listen, we're going to play a game. you're going to spin the hammer. you have to do it, all right? >> okay. >> it's time to play "spin the mjolnir." did i say it right? >> perfect. >> ladies first. >> smash. >> it's smash, oh my god, you want to smash something? >> yeah, i do.

ready? >> all right. oh my god! wow! >> this is really satisfying. >> wow. oh my gosh! [ cheers and applause ] >> all right, here we go. draw my dad. how long you got? be a quick one, all right? >> wait, hold on, hold on. [ laughter ] >> draw your dad naked? lucky i haven't finished the bottom half. >> oh, wow! >> there's your hammer. >> so it's time to play "spin the mjolnir." >> it also could be "who wants to be a mjolnir?" >> that's a great idea. all right. because you're my guest, you go first, okay?

>> okay. here we go. yes! kiss. ready? >> ready? >> yep. >> wow. that -- >> yeah? [ cheers ] >> wow, that was fantastic. all right, your turn. >> feed me a twinkie. i don't think i can eat twinkies. because i'm vegan. this is very nasty. >> you never had an interview like this? >> no, i feel so close to you. >> you want to smash my eggplant? >> i'll definitely smash your eggplant. >> all right. >> nice aubergine. >> whoa!

good job. >> it's like a drawing i drew of my dad. toward you, yeah? >> all right, good. whoa! one more. >> one more. >> you want it like this? >> just like that. >> i'll watch it from here. ready? >> just the tip. >> okay. oh, wow! >> all right, let's do this. so you want to go first? all right, go ahead. oh! >> chug mead. cheers. >> cheers. ♪ ♪ >> wow. >> you're an experienced mead drinker, i see. >> all right, i got to spin the wheel. >> all right, spin it. >> ready? >> yeah.

>> tequila shot! oh! >> no! >> oh my gosh. cheers. >> oh my god. ♪ ♪ >> tequila shot. all right. >> cheers. >> get the twinkie close. >> good idea. >> don't move it. i'm depending on you, don't move it. >> tequila shot. >> all right, ready? oh, tequila shot! >> oh, hey! fancy that! >> cheers!

oh my god, i can feel it in my chest. are you okay? >> yeah, i need to be burped. >> yeah, go ahead. [ burping ] >> whoa! you do have powers! [ cheers and applause ] >> chelsea: where's my -- oh, you have one. >> guillermo: i got one for you. [ cheers and applause ] >> chelsea: cheers, guillermo. we have a great show for you tonight. comedian matteo lane is here. we've got music from aespa. and we'll be right back with paris hilton. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ music: "good time" by anthony ramos ] bodies that look like this. also move like this. rise like this. flex like this. and this. and this.

♪ ♪ (vo) red lobster's seafood summerfest is fire! turn up for our new! bbq bacon grilled shrimp with your choice of soup or salad and an individual starter all three courses for $18.99! hurry into red lobster.

it's lit! pain hits fast. so get relief fast. only tylenol rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. they release medicine fast for fast pain relief. and now get relief without a pill with tylenol dissolve packs. relief without the water. with tylenol ♪♪ssolve packs. ♪♪ ladies... welcome to my digestive system. when your gut and vaginal bacteria are off balance. you may feel it. but just one align women's probiotic daily helps soothe digestive upsets. and support vaginal health.

welcome to an align gut. today, anything is possible. today, anything... ...is possible. ♪ [laughing] ♪ yay! ♪ anything is possible! hey, got you a drink. thanks! ♪ ♪ it's right around the corner. do you see that? hiiiii! that's what's so good about it! ok, you can look. i like it. ahhh! (laughter) what are you doing tomorrow? (laughter) need a cleanser that does more? new and improved cetaphil cleansers are specially formulated with our dermatologist-backed blend of ingredients to reinforce your skin's moisture barrier. cetaphil. complete care for your sensitive skin.

i was injured in a car crash. cetaphil. i had no idea how much my case was worth. i called the barnes firm. when a truck hit my son, i had so many questions about his case. i called the barnes firm. it was the best call i could've made. your case is often worth more than insurance offers. call the barnes firm to find out what your case could be worth. we will help get you the best result possible. ♪ the barnes firm, injury attorneys ♪ ♪ call one eight hundred, eight million ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> chelsea: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live!" i'm chelsea handler. tonight -- comedian, singer, and podcaster extraordinaire matteo lane is with us. [ cheers and applause ] then later, from seoul, south korea, they are apple music's up next artist. their album is called "girls." music from aespa from the mercedes eq stage. [ cheers and applause ] i'll be back tomorrow for one more show with my guests taron edgerton and kelsea ballerini. and you can catch me live on my tour called "vaccinated and horny." that's the name of my tour. [ cheers ] which is running through the rest of the year. dates and tickets are at chelseahandler.com. our first guest taught us all that if you want to be famous, you just need to be awesome. she's the original influencer and the proud owner of the catchphrase "that's hot." her podcast, "this is paris" is available everywhere you get your podcasts.

please welcome paris hilton. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> chelsea: oh, my, how exciting. how exciting is this for both of us? >> so exciting. >> chelsea: for so many years i wanted to interview paris on my own talk show when i had my own talk show. but you wouldn't come on. [ laughter ] >> no. i was scared. >> chelsea: you were scared. i hear that all the time, that people were very scared of me. i don't know why everybody thought i was so scary. then i watched a couple of episodes of my talk show. [ laughter ] and i realized that i was a [ bleep ] bitch. [ laughter and applause ] it's really nice to have you under the subterfuge of someone else's talk show. congratulations, first of all. i did your podcast, what was it, about a year ago? >> yes. >> chelsea: i did your podcast "this is paris" which was so much fun where we got to interact for the very first time.

>> i loved it. >> chelsea: you didn't think i was a bitch then? >> no, i fell in love with you, i can't believe i ever thought that, this is one of the coolest [ bleep ] women in the world. [ cheers and applause ] >> chelsea: i was so excited, you invited me to your wedding, thank you so much. [ cheers ] and i wasn't able to come, for whatever reason. guillermo and i were probably in mexico that weekend. >> guillermo: yes, cancun. >> chelsea: we had professional responsibilities. >> of course. >> chelsea: i heard it was fantastic. and i know that you're happy and in love. i watch you on instagram, i see all your happiness in videos. >> i really am. he is amazing. i feel really lucky. i see you're in love too. [ cheers ] >> chelsea: i know, i know. but i'm not married yet, i'm not ready for that kind of commitment. i was surprised to hear -- how did you know you were ready to get married to somebody? >> when you know, you know. i thought i was just going to be single forever, that was my plan. i wasn't looking for love and it just happened unexpectedly.

>> chelsea: do you feel that anything has changed since you've been married? what are some things that you do that you haven't done, didn't do before you were married and his wife? >> we do all pretty much the same thing, it just feels more legit now. >> chelsea: would you go to the bathroom in front of each other? is that normal? [ laughter ] >> no. >> chelsea: no? >> no. >> chelsea: i'm doing that with my boyfriend now so why would we get married? know what i mean? >> well -- [ laughter ] >> chelsea: that's not something you would ever be open to doing? >> no. never. i don't care how close i am with someone. >> chelsea: how long did your honeymoon go on for? it felt like it went on for six to seven months. [ laughter ] >> it was 7 1/2 weeks. >> chelsea: oh my god. look at you. [ cheers ] >> yes. i deserved it. i've been working really hard and it was my first vacation in a long time. >> chelsea: yeah, you do deserve it, you do work hard. people used to joke about you not working hard, but you work really hard, that's why you're a bad-ass, that's why i do respect you. >> thank you. [ cheers ]

>> chelsea: you were at britney spears' wedding recently too? >> right. [ cheers ] >> chelsea: you almost had a conflict and weren't able to make that wedding, right? >> yeah, i was asked by president biden and their team to go deejay for, like, that summit dinner with all the leaders of the world. but it was the same night of britney's wedding. then i'm like, no, i'm not going to miss that. they're like, we'll send a helicopter, you can fly back and forth. i'm like -- i'm not going to be the one landing in and out of britney's wedding in a helicopter. [ laughter ] like, come on. so i had to cancel on the president. sorry. [ cheers and applause ] >> chelsea: that's a bold move. did you tell them why you were canceling, that it was an emergency? it was an emergency because britney spears was getting married? >> yeah. >> chelsea: how was that wedding? i saw a picture. can you throw up a picture of all the women who were there? madonna, selena gomez -- [ cheers ]

>> really one of the most iconic nights of my life. >> chelsea: i saw a photo where it looked like you were really emotional, were you? >> i was. seeing her walk down the aisle, this angel who's had a horrible time these past 13 years, to have her freedom, be able to do what she wants, have that happy fairytale ending, it was just beautiful. >> chelsea: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] who got the most intoxicated out of that group of women? >> it wasn't about the drink, it was more about the dancing and the singing. >> chelsea: who was singing? >> madonna, selena and i, everyone was singing. >> chelsea: do you know -- how do you know britney spears originally? >> we've been friends for over two decades. >> chelsea: do you remember how you met her? >> she -- we just met from back in the day. then i remember -- one of the first pictures of us was my grandfather's, she came over, we were hanging out, we've been close ever since. >> chelsea: were you able to keep in touch with her during this time of everything going on with her family and her situation? >> yeah.

>> chelsea: and be a support system to her? >> yes. >> chelsea: that's good. what about you and having children? >> i can't wait. >> chelsea: oh, really? >> yes. >> chelsea: i thought you were going to say you're not going to have children. >> no, i really, really -- i've always wanted to have a family, i just never found the right person to do it with. so i can't wait for that next step. very soon. >> chelsea: are you guys working on that currently? >> yes. >> chelsea: or looking to get impregnated in the fall, like is there a time frame? >> i have to deejay at tomorrowland anybody bees intra, so the summer's not good for me. [ laughter ] >> chelsea: tell me what your schedule is like deejaying. people don't realize how intense it is and they don't take deejaying seriously as a job unless they've been to one of your events. >> it's crazy. anybody bees intra i used to have to play 4:30 to 6:30, the deejay set. change into a swimsuit. 6:45 to 8:30, spring foam, playing music at the same time as my foam party. yeah, it's very late nights. now that i'm grown up, i'm not

really into that. >> chelsea: i've been to ibiza once, i came back, i was brain dead. [ laughter ] you can deejay for shorter periods of time? you don't have to be out the whole night? >> no, i do earlier sets now. >> chelsea: do you bring your boyfriend, sorry, your husband? i can't get past the fact that you're married. did you bring your husband to your work? >> my husband and i go everywhere with each other. but sometimes if it's really late and he has to wake up early, i'll just go quickly and come back home. >> chelsea: you know who else goes everywhere with their wife? dr. phil and his wife, they do everything together. [ laughter ] >> oh. i'm not acting like him. [ laughter ] >> chelsea: i'm warning you, you want to stay away from that kind of behavior, i don't want you to turn into [ bleep ] dr. phil either. [ laughter and applause ] >> me either. >> chelsea: we'll be right back with paris hilton after this. and we're the antonellis! do good. eat good. that's our mission. we chose our spark cash plus card from capital one because it gives us unlimited two percent cash back on everything we buy. and it has no preset spending limit so our purchasing power adapts to our business needs. we use our two percent cash back to help cover

our employees' healthcare costs. that's how we take care of our most valuable asset... our people. it may sound cheesy... but we like it that way! what's in your wallet? ♪♪ ♪ i want to rock and roll all night ♪ ♪ and party every day. ♪ ♪ i want to rock and roll all night ♪ applebee's late night. because half off is just more fun. 's eatin' good . but weekends are still all about grilling. and walmart always keeps prices low on our fresh ingredients. so you can save money and live better. ♪ who says you can't get 100% whiter teeth? try crest whitening emulsions. remove 10 years of stains... in just 4 days. and it's enamel safe for everyday use. better... faster... 100% whiter teeth. crest. the #1 teeth whitening brand in america.

crest. we call it oleyumi. you call it california. our land, our culture, our people once expansive, now whittled down to a small community. only one proposition supports california tribes like ours. while providing hundreds of millions in yearly funding to finally address homelessness in california. vote yes on 27. tax online sports betting and protect tribal sovereignty and help californians that are hurting the most.

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> chelsea: welcome back. i am here with paris hilton. paris, you have a new -- you brought me a present. >> i did. >> chelsea: you have a new track suit line? >> yep. >> chelsea: oh my goodness. [ cheers and applause ] >> you're the first one to get this new iconic track suit. >> chelsea: oh my god, i love gifts. especially when i'm hosting for somebody else, it should be for them. >> you are a boss babe. >> chelsea: oh, yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> so comfortable. >> chelsea: how come is that? actually, i had a wedding gift for you that jimmy left for you, i forgot to give to it you. a gift card to marriott for two nights. [ laughter ] >> i only stay in hilton. >> chelsea: give it back to me, i'll use it. guillermo, do you want to use this? >> guillermo: sure, yeah. >> chelsea: here, i'll put it right here.

>> guillermo: okay, i'll get it after. >> chelsea: okay, thanks. guillermo gave me a little bit of tequila before the show so i'm a little bit off balance. tell me about what you did with -- i know that you got a bunch of animals once by accident? in vegas? did you do that? did you get a bunch of animals once and drive them home? >> when i was 19, i went to vegas, this exotic pet store. i bought a goat and two parrots. >> chelsea: on a whim? were you wasted? >> no, just in the afternoon. [ laughter ] then i went to the airport and they're like, you cannot bring these all on the plane, this is not a traveling zoo. i had to literally get in a limo with all these animals, driving in six hours of traffic, because it was new year's, home to l.a. with all these pets. >> chelsea: i -- that's pretty funny. did you keep those pets forever? did you get rid of them? >> i kept them. the goat is at my ranch. it grew horns and big udder things. [ laughter ] is there a picture of the goat? >> chelsea: yes, there is a picture of the goat, sorry. it's a little baby goat, right? >> yes, billie. >> chelsea: a billy goat? >> he was so cute in the

beginning. >> chelsea: i once forgot my dog when i went to canada. i didn't know you could take dogs to canada. i thought they had to go to quarantine. turns out that's only for the uk. they said, where are your dogs? i was like, i didn't know i could bring them. i only had one dog at the time, chunk. so i said my dog -- i know this is not very relatable. i chartered a private plane for just my dog. [ laughter ] and i flew him to canada to meet me. when they landed and i picked my dog up, the pilot came out and he just said, "i want to show you the plane manifest where it lists the passengers." it just said "chunk handler." [ laughter ] he said, imagine our shock when we got on board to fly this plane, and we saw one dog wearing a seat belt. [ laughter ] and i was like, well, you know what? i didn't know that i could bring him. so that was the kind of money i was willing to burn to be with my animals. i know how you feel about your animals because you rescue a lot of animals. >> yes. >> chelsea: do you have any new ones? >> no.

no, crypto and ether are my new pomeranians. >> chelsea: i met them when i was at your house. >> those were the newest ones. >> chelsea: nikki, your sister, is pregnant? >> yeah. >> chelsea: isn't she due during the show right now? >> she literally could be going into labor right now. >> chelsea: i know she's going into labor, i induced her earlier this afternoon. [ laughter ] i don't know if you know this, i'm a doula. >> you are? >> chelsea: yes, i am. when you get pregnant and you want somebody chill to go through your pregnancy with that will also possibly have mushrooms, whatever you need while you're delivering is baby, i'm your girl. [ laughter ] >> seems really calming and safe. >> chelsea: it depends what kind of personality you have. i find mushrooms very calming and safe. other people freak out. i can't speak for everybody else. are you going to be able to change diapers and everything for your sister when she has her baby? >> um -- >> chelsea: have you ever done that? >> no, not yet. >> chelsea: come on, you've changed a diaper. >> no, because it's not my kid. i'd feel weird -- can i change your kid's diaper? no one's ever asked me to do that.

never had to offer it. >> chelsea: it is your sister. >> maybe i'll practice it. i don't know. >> chelsea: it's your sister. you're going to want to change her diaper, even once, just to pretend that you're down for that, you know what i mean? >> okay. >> chelsea: don't you think? >> i don't know. i never thought about that. [ laughter ] >> chelsea: maybe it's not going to happen, then. okay. nikki, if you're watching from your hospital bed, i'll change your diaper. [ laughter ] i'll change your diaper but not your baby's diaper. [ laughter ] thank you so much, paris. >> thank you. >> chelsea: this is paris is available everywhere you get your podcasts. we'll be right back with matteo lane. ♪ ♪

(vo) red lobster's seafood summerfest is fire! turn up for the grilled lobster, shrimp and salmon trio ...and our hottest summer duo, steak and lobster! it's lit! don't miss red lobster's seafood summerfest. what if everything was as airy as starburst airs gummies? wow, it's like a strawberry cloud! [cat meow] it's airy, just like you! starburst airs gummies. inflated with flavor. do you struggle with occasional nerve aches starburst airs gummies. in your hands or feet? try nervivenerve relief from the world's #1 selling nerve care company. nervive contains alpha lipoic acid to relieve occasional nerve aches, weakness and discomfort.

try nervivenerve relief. how did kellogg's combine crunchy oat clusters with a touch of honey... plump, juicy raisins and tasty fiber into one delicious cereal? it took a lot of bran-storming. get it? kellogg's raisin bran crunch. two scoops of delicious. ♪ ♪ wow! ♪ ♪ i like it. ♪ ♪ ahhhh! you're living the dream, dp! you're absolutely right. ♪ ♪ you're all free to go! you can stay at my mom's place for a couple of nights. ♪ ♪ rrrrrrahhhh... you definitely need some tic-tacs or something, because your breath stinks! ♪ ♪ it lives up to the hype, plus plus. ♪ ♪ she's feeling the power of listerine. he's feeling it. yep, them too. it's an invigorating rush... ...zapping millions of germs in seconds. for that one-of-a-kind whoa...

...which leaves you feeling... ahhhhhhh listerine. feel the whoa! when moderate to severe ulcerative colitis persists... put it in check with rinvoq, a once-daily pill. when uc got unpredictable,... i got rapid symptom relief with rinvoq. check. when uc held me back... i got lasting, steroid-free remission with rinvoq. check. and when uc got the upper hand... rinvoq helped visibly repair the colon lining. check. rapid symptom relief. lasting, steroid-free remission. and a chance to visibly repair the colon lining. check. check. and check. rinvoq can lower your ability to fight infections, including tb. serious infections and blood clots, some fatal; cancers, including lymphoma and skin cancer; death, heart attack, stroke, and tears in the stomach or intestines occurred.

people 50 and older... with at least 1 heart disease risk factor have higher risks. don't take if allergic to rinvoq... as serious reactions can occur. tell your doctor if you are or may become pregnant. put uc in check and keep it there, with rinvoq. ask your gastroenterologist about rinvoq. and learn how abbvie could help you save. [taxi driver narrating] so. it's friday night dinner. all of a sudden, boom. and you, gecko, go: [gecko impression] “bundling your home and car insurance could save you hundreds!” and then the neighbors are like, “heh?” a little girl's like... [girl impression] “hi gecko!” - huh? - quite the commercial. - i know, right? - geico.

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] every search you make, every click you take, every move you make, every step you take, i'll be watching you. the internet doesn't have to be duckduckgo is a free all in one privacy app with a built in search engine, web browser,

one click data clearing and more stop companies like google from watching you, by downloading the app today. duckduckgo: prigot you a drink!. ♪ ♪ ahhh! is that rain??? wahoo! (laughter) wooo! (laughter) oh good! here, i got you. (laughter) right now, we're all feelin' the squeeze. but walmart's got your back with thousands of rollbacks so you get everything you need to keep your summer rollin'. because when you save money, you can live better. (dad) ohhhhoooo.... (man) woah, woah, woah! no, no, no, no! ugh... (woman) huhhhhg.... (woman) ughh. ohh... (dad) no! ohhhhhh. (man) ugh, ugh, gaaahh. (woman) n, n, n, n... uggggg... (vo) don't worry. you may feel every ding, but your subaru's value won't.

the subaru outback has the best resale value in its class. (man) check please. [ sleep app ] and the end. you have now reached the end of the sleep app. you're the first person to actually do that. now i want to say congratulations, but it's also disappointing. what do you mean? that's it? i've got nothing left. hey if i were you, i'd try warm milk. enough out of you! hi! oh go.. is this really helping? good days start with good nights, so you may want to talk to your doctor about both. [ sleep app ] i'm still here. oh boy. for your most brilliant smile, crest has you covered. “nice smile, brad.” “nice!” “thanks?” crest 3d white. 100% more stain removal. crest. the #1 toothpaste brand in america. for people who are a little intense about hydration. neutrogena® hydro boost lightweight.

fragrance-free. 48 hour hydration. for that healthy skin glow. neutrogena®. for people with skin. ♪♪ giorgio, look. the peanut butter box is here. ralph, that's the chewy pharmacy box with our flea and tick meds. it's not peanut butter. i know, i know. but every time the box comes, we get the peanut butter. yes, because mom takes the meds out of the box and puts them in the peanut butter. sounds like we're getting peanut butter. yes, but that is the chewy pharmacy box. ♪ the peanut butter box is here. ♪ ♪ the peanut butter box is here ♪ alright, i'm out. pet prescriptions delivered to your door. chewy. liberty mutual customizes your car insurance, so you only pay for what you need. [ sfx: submarine rising out of water ] minions are bitin' today. ♪ liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty. ♪ minions: the rise of gru, only in theaters.

♪ i want to rock and roll all night ♪ ♪ and party every day. ♪ ♪ i want to rock and roll all night ♪ applebee's late night. because half off is just more fun. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. - [announcer] the more we learn about covid-19, the more questions we have. the biggest question now, what's next? what will covid bring in six months, a year? if you're feeling anxious about the future, you're not alone.

calhope offers free covid-19 emotional support. call 833-317-4673, or live chat at calhope.org today. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> chelsea: welcome back. earlier this month, "variety" named our next guest as one of its "top 10 comics to watch for 2022." he's also an artist, singer, podcaster, and possessor of a remarkable mustache. please welcome the very funny matteo lane. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> chelsea: oh, you are in for such a treat because you are such a treat. >> oh my god, thank you, i'm single. [ cheers ] and obviously a flaming homosexual. >> chelsea: that must be very exciting. i know how much you love paris hilton. >> i was losing it. my gay friends were back there waiting for her. a bunch of anxious guys looking to see a comet. [ laughter ] >> chelsea: she was talking about also one of your other favorites, britney spears' wedding. i know thank you sitting backstage imagining what it must have been like to be at that wedding. nobody would have enjoyed being at that wedding more than matteo lane. >> they would have been kicking me out and i would have been screaming and crying. i'm obsessed with britney spears. >> chelsea: do your britney spears. ♪ arrgh arrgh ♪

[ cheers and applause ] first of all, happy birthday. >> thank you, it's my birthday. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. >> chelsea: yes. it's your birthday. and you posted this beautiful photo of his birthday yesterday on his instagram account. >> i did. >> chelsea: can we throw that up? [ cheers ] you post a lot of nudes, i post a lot of nudes, we have that in common. >> very freeing and a great advertisement for finding a husband. [ laughter ] >> chelsea: i think so. how else are you going to get one unless you put your goods out there and show them? you're a gay man, that's what gay men are looking for. >> this is it, requires nothing else, no intellect. can you sing? i don't care, show me your ass. [ laughter ] >> chelsea: but you have all these talents. you were in italy, he's italian, he speaks fluent italian. most comics can't even speak english. [ laughter ] so that's impressive. you spent time in italy, you were there for what, three weeks? >> three weeks and i had -- i went on -- my mom is italian,

also mexican, so a deli worker. [ laughter ] i sound gay but my voice should sound like, "my friend!" [ laughter ] i went on my first date -- i'd never gone on a date in italy, i went on a proper date. >> chelsea: i see. >> okay, wait, all right. so he -- his name is giuseppe. [ laughter ] >> chelsea: of course it is. >> "tim" is not coming to pick me up. "matteo, i pick you up on my vespa, i show you all of roma." i was lizzy mcguire. [ cheers ] i was on the back of that vespa -- ♪ this is what dreams are made of ♪ it was amazing. you've been to italy. have you ever been on the back of a vespa going through traffic in italy? >> chelsea: yes, wearing a toga that almost got caught in the motor. my stupid ex-boyfriend thought it would be funny for us to dress in togas and walk through ome like dickheads.

[ laughter ] and i was like, "yeah, i'll do that!" riding through that circle where the traffic is, the toga was getting caught under the wheel. i'm going to get decapitated! [ laughter ] >> italy in a nutshell. >> chelsea: basically, yeah. >> we were going through -- it is -- the traffic is horrifying. >> chelsea: crazy. >> it's like going through the asteroid field in "the millennium falcon." like c3po, "our chances of survival --" talking with our hands. italians talk with their hands. he has one hand up while we're going through hell, yelling in italian. we're going to die. it was great. we got back to the hotel, you know. usually for gay men it's like, let's have sex. he was so italian, "no, it is 4:00 p.m., now we take a nap." [ laughter ] >> chelsea: no sex? >> no sex. took a nap and had coffee, this might be the best date i've ever had in my entire life. [ cheers and applause ] >> chelsea: wow, that's huge. so are you going to see -- did you see him again? >> no. the last text he sent, "i now go

back to my island." i'm like, what island? [ laughter ] i don't know where he is. >> chelsea: it's a wrap on that, okay. well, good. i'm surprised to hear you say the best date you ever had didn't include sex. >> i know, well, that's two separate things. >> chelsea: i guess that's a wholesome nice date and those are good once in a while as well. did you ever do stand-up in italy? since you speak italian? have you tried that? >> yes, i did. my friend francesco, italian comedian, was like, we'll do it in italian. i was so confident, like, sure, i'll translate my jokes. an old joke. way back in the day. my name is matteo, i went to starbucks, they asked for my name and wrote "potato." which is humiliating. when you hear potato, that's when you stop writing on the cup. that's when you say to yourself, i heard potato. [ laughter ] i was like, i'll just translate it. and i was in rome doing this show. and i'm in the middle of it -- [ speaking italian ]

and i was like, oh, they don't have starbucks in italy, number one. [ laughter ] number two, to them, a cup of coffee is a little glass cup. why would you write your name on an espresso cup? and potato and matteo don't rhyme in italian. so i looked like a complete idiot. >> chelsea: you were telling me about the hand gestures, like gestures mean like a whole thing, right, in italy? >> yeah, go like that, this is perfect. go like this, then pull. that's perfect. "perfecto." something tastes good, you go like this. like, tastes yummy. and this is gay. [ laughter ] just flick your -- my favorite word in italian is gay. it's "gay" with an italian accent, like "guay." it's true. you hear italians talk -- [ speaking italian ] guay. [ laughter ] >> chelsea: how many languages do you speak?

>> four and a half-ish, kind of. >> chelsea: what's the half language? >> i studied german and it was rough. >> chelsea: i tried to study german, then i remembered that i'm a jew and i'm not interested in learning it. [ laughter and applause ] it is harsh. it's a harsh language. my mother was german, but she didn't speak german because my dad was jewish. when she did speak it it sounded beautiful. then i heard german, the stereotypical german, and i was like, oh, god, that is really scary sounding. >> yeah, it's -- you know, and also -- i had a great teacher. herr katzenmyer. he was from austria. he didn't speak english to us. we walked in, this strange man speaking german. oh, god. but it was great. i think it was also, you know -- it's kind of gay-sounding. it was perfect for me. [ laughter and applause ] >> chelsea: it is a little gay-sounding. well, you're just a delight.

thank you so much, matteo. you can find matteo's tour schedule on -- matteolanecomedy.com. we'll be right back with music from aespa. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes eq. all electric, all mercedes.

>> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series presented by mercedes eq. all electric, all mercedes. >> chelsea: that's all the time we've got. i want to thank paris hilton and matteo lane. i'll be back tomorrow with

taron egerton and kelsea ballerini. "nightline" is next but first, their album is called "girls." here with the song "life's too short," aespa! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ all of this discussion talking about nothing you would ever ♪ ♪ say to my face you think your words are gospel but they're ♪ ♪ only trouble i ain't got the time to waste ♪ ♪ you need to get a life cause life's too short you must be bored ♪ ♪ out your mind you should really take that nonsense ♪ ♪ somewhere else cause you've got to realize ♪ ♪ i'm doing me regardless and i don't care what you say about it ♪ ♪ and it don't matter if you like it or not i'm having all this fun so ♪ ♪ why would i ever stop doing me regardless no i don't cre what ♪ ♪ you say about it and imma do it any way that i want ♪ ♪ i'm having all this fun so why would i ever stop some people

are so mean ♪ ♪ all behind a phone screen when we're tryna live our lives ♪ ♪ why you gotta be so vicious be about your business ♪ ♪ 'stead of getting up in mine you need to get a life ♪ ♪ cause life's too short you must be bored out your mind ♪ ♪ you should really take that nonsense somewhere else ♪ ♪ cause you've got to realize i'm doing me regardless ♪ ♪ and i don't care what you say about it and it don't matter if you ♪ ♪ like it or not i'm having all this fun so why would i ever stop ♪ ♪ doing me regardless no i don't care what you say about it ♪ ♪ and imma do it any way that i want i'm having all this fun so ♪ ♪ why would i ever stop doing me regardless doing me regardless ♪ ♪ why i would ever stop ♪ ♪ oh well it won't turn your

glitter into gold so why ♪ ♪ are you wasting your time mmm you should find some better seeds to sow ♪ ♪ they might grow one day but either way i'm doing me regardless ♪ ♪ and i don't care what you say about it and it don't matter ♪ ♪ if you like it or not i'm having all this fun so why would i ever stop ♪ ♪ doing me regardless no i don't care what you say about it ♪ ♪ and imma do it any way that i want i'm having all this fun so ♪ ♪ why would i ever stop doing me regardless life's too short ♪ ♪ doing me regardless doing me regardless woo woo woo ♪ ♪ why would i ever stop ♪ ♪ doing me regardless woo woo woo ♪ ♪ doing me regardless woo woo

woo ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

♪ this is "nightline." >> breaking news out of japan. the former japanese prime minister shinzo abe has no vital signs after being shot in the back at a plit political event. guilty plea. a surprise admission from the wnba star brittney griner. >> i was in a rush packing and the cartridges accidentally ended up in my bag. >> after being in prison for 140 days in russia. >> do you want to say something to abc news? >> she entered the courtroom carrying a photo of her wife. >> i'm frustrated that my wife is not going to get justice. >> griner faces at least ten years if convicted. >> the real question is what kind of sentence she's going to get. and "thor: love and thunder." >> i'm going to choose my own