thank you for watching. dan: jimmy kimmel is up next. >> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" with guest host chelsea handler. tonight -- paris hilton. matteo lane. and guillermo with the cast of "thor: love and thunder." and music from aespa. with cleto and the cletones. and now, chelsea handler! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> chelsea: hi, guys! hi, guillermo! hi! thank you, thank you! hi, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] love it! hi, hi, hi, hi! thank you so much. thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. welcome to "jimmy kimmel live."

i am your guest host chelsea handler. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy is taking the summer off because men are weak. [ laughter ] this is my third night hosting, and it has been a lot of fun. o monday we talked about roe v. wade. last night i covered the january 6th hearings and jeffrey epstein. what should we do tonight? [ laughter ] guillermo, who do you like better, israel or palestine? >> guillermo: i like mexico. [ cheers and applause ] >> chelsea: i also like mexico. >> guillermo: yeah, it's the best. >> chelsea: you know, a lot of the comments online have mentioned you and i have really good chemistry, do you agree? >> guillermo: yeah, i agree we're like cereal and milk. [ laughter ] yes, we're good. good team. >> chelsea: thank you. go team, go team! >> guillermo: yeah! [ applause ] >> chelsea: while yesterday's news was all about donald

trump's totally psychotic behavior on the day of the insurrection, we also got a glimpse at melania's awfulness. her former chief of staff, stephanie grisholm, tweeted a screen grab of an exchange they had during the attack on the capitol. she texted to melania, "do you want to tweet that peaceful protests are the right of every american, but there is no place for lawlessness and violence?" and melania wrote back, "no." [ laughter ] although this should come as no surprise when you consider all the terrible things melania has said yes to over the years. she said yes to visiting an immigrant and child detention center wearing a jacket that said "i really don't care, do you?" she said yes to plagiarizing michelle obama's convention speech. she said yes to the most idiotic slogan in first lady history, "be best." [ laughter ] she said yes to questioning the

legitimacy of obama's birth certificate. and worst of all, she said yes to a proposal from donald trump! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] which is basically opting to go to a gold-plated prison and become a stepmother to the four vampire children donald trump calls his children. [ laughter ] speaking of women i despise, let's talk about virginia thomas, wife of clarence thomas. she's the worst. and i don't want you to think i enjoy bashing women. i only despise women who fall into one of three categories -- "they hate other women." "they're married to a man who hates women." or "they're a racist whose cover is being married to a black person." [ applause ] virginia thomas is all three. she's refusing to testify before the house select committee about her role on january 6th. she sees no reason to testify when all she did was help lay the groundwork for the riot,

talk to everyone involved in planning the riot, and then attend the rally that led to the riot. it's like, can she really just not go testify? how [ bleep ] up is it that virginia thomas is the only woman in america who still has the right to choose? [ cheers and applause ] also, ginni, virginia, whatever your name is. i'm gonna go with "vir-gina." okay? [ laughter ] vir-gina's lawyer sent a letter to the committee that ended with this little gem. "i am left to believe if her name were ginni jones, the committee would never entertain speaking with her." yeah, no [ bleep ], sherlock. if her name were ginni jones, she'd be just another whack job, but it's not ginni jones, and that's the problem! she was texting conspiracy theories about the election to the white house chief of staff and is married to a u.s. supreme court justice. the only justice, by the way, who voted against donald trump handing over documents related to january 6th. [ applause ]

meanwhile, in new york, andrew giuliani, my half-baby, lost in the republican primary for governor last night. >> we're asking every new yorker for their vote at this point. we got three hours to go till the polls close. vote for andrew giuliani. come on out, do it, run through the tape. i love where everything is sitting right now but every single vote matters, so come on out and vote. thank you. [ laughter ] >> chelsea: andrew, honey, i hope you know that you lost not because of your swollen bee sting head or because you've got a smile like a jack-o-lantern, or because you have zero qualifications. you lost because your last name is now toxic, because your dad had one week after 9/11 when he was considered a hero, but then he blew it when he went [ bleep ] nuts. [ cheers and applause ] there are so many questions left unanswered. would andrew have lost if his

dad didn't try to overthrow democracy from a landscaping store, or sweat gravy during a press conference? we'll never know. my baby is having a very tough week. on sunday, rudy claimed he was attacked at a grocery store in staten island. and today the mayor of new york is calling for an investigation into whether or not rudy filed a false police report. not only is rudy playing up the phantom assault, he's also using the story to brag about his physical prowess. >> a very, very heavy shot. now, i'm 78 years old. i'm in pretty good shape for a 78-year-old. not every 78-year-old is in as good of shape as me. [ laughter ] >> chelsea: you're not in good shape. i'm in good shape. [ cheers and applause ] and mick jagger is in good shape. okay? [ cheers ] you look like a baked potato who got his ass kicked right before they popped you in an easy bake. [ laughter ] you know who else is in bad shape right now? r. kelly.

[ moans ] today r. kelly got hit with a 30-year prison term for racketeering and sex trafficking. when he heard -- yeah, we can clap for that. [ cheers and applause ] when he heard he was sentenced to 30 years, r. kelly asked if the judge would consider a younger sentence. [ moans and laughter ] back to women i despise, congressmonster lauren boebert of colorado won her primary last night. i believe boebert is one of the biggest maga morons ever elected to public office, and it's because of comments like this. >> the church is supposed to direct the government. the government is not supposed to direct the church. that is not how our founding fathers intended it. and i'm tired of this separation of church and state junk. it's not in the constitution. it was in a stinking letter. and it means nothing like what they say it does. >> chelsea: well, let's think about that, ya dumb bitch.

[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] because i tend to be skeptical about getting constitutional law advice from a human tramp stamp. [ laughter ] they frequently tend to skip right to the second amendment. and if you'd bothered to read the first amendment, the very first words are -- "congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion." so it seems pretty clear that the government wants nothing to do with religion. secondly, if you're so keen on what the founding fathers thought, one thing they definitely thought is that women should shut the [ bleep ] up in public. [ laughter and cheers ] and not vote. and not be elected to congress. your buddy thomas jefferson wrote, "governments are instituted among men." so unless you have a [ bleep ], the founding fathers don't care what you have to say. but lauren, i don't think you have a [ bleep ]. do you? i know your husband does, 'cause he allegedly showed it to some young ladies in a bowling alley, just like jesus wanted him to. [ cheers and applause ]

and let's all take a moment to remember that the founding fathers were a bunch of toothless dudes who took shedoobies in their backyard, thought that their wives were property, and wanted to protect guns that fired marbles and took 11 minutes to reload. and since we're paraphrasing jefferson's letters, he said "nothing is so disgusting" as a woman who isn't clean. google it. and while you're there, google "lauren boebert diarrhea" and you'll learn that this dumbass owned a restaurant that served uncooked pork sliders at a rodeo which gave dozens of people diarrhea. [ laughter ] that's how lauren forces people to pray. they cry out "please god, stop me from making explosive diarrhea poo-poo in this rodeo port-a-potty." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] whoo! aah, things are getting me very hot and bothered.

anyhoo, the next big marvel movie on the way is "thor: love and thunder." [ cheers and applause ] which hits theaters july 8th. and to celebrate, the cast of the film sat down with guillermo to play a game he invented that's like "spin the bottle," but with thor's hammer. what's the name of thor's hammer, guillermo? >> guillermo: spin the -- malesu? >> chelsea: close enough. here's guillermo and the cast of "thor." >> guillermo: welcome to your best interview ever. okay? >> i can't wait. >> guillermo: okay, so listen, we're going to play a game. you're going to spin the hammer. you have to do it, all right? >> okay. >> guillermo: it's time to play "spin the mjolnir." did i say it right? >> perfect. >> guillermo: perfect. all right. ladies first. >> smash. god.

you want to smash something? >> yeah, i do. you ready? >> guillermo: all right. oh my god! wow! >> this is really satisfying. >> guillermo: wow. oh, my gosh! [ cheers and applause ] >> guillermo: all right, here, you go first. >> here we go. i'm going to draw my dad. how long have you got? it will be a quick one, all right? >> guillermo: wait, hold on. >> who does that look like? draw your dad naked? well, lucky i haven't finished the bottom half. >> guillermo: oh, wow. >> there's your hammer. >> guillermo: so it's time to play "spin the mjolnir" >> it also could be "who wants to be a mjolnir?" >> guillermo: that's a great idea. all right. because you're my guest, you go

first. okay? >> okay. here we go. yes! kiss. ready? >> guillermo: ready? >> yep. >> guillermo: wow. that was -- >> i mean, it was -- >> guillermo: tongue? >> yeah. >> guillermo: wow. that was fantastic. all right, your turn. >> feed me a twinkie. i don't think i can eat twinkies. because i'm vegan. this is very nasty. >> guillermo: you never had an interview like this? >> no. i feel so close to you. >> guillermo: you want to smash my eggplant? >> i'll definitely smash your eggplant. >> guillermo: all right. >> nice aubergine.

>> guillermo: whoa! good job. all right. >> it's like a drawing i drew of my dad. toward you, yeah? >> guillermo: all right. good. oh, my god. >> do one more. >> guillermo: all right. you want it like this? >> yeah. just like that. just the tip. >> guillermo: okay. oh, wow! what amazing job! >> guillermo: all right. so let's do this. you want to go first? all right, go ahead. ooh. what does it say? >> chug mead. >> guillermo: got it? >> cheers. >> guillermo: cheers. ♪ wow. >> you're an experienced mead drinker, i see. >> guillermo: all right, i've got to spin the wheel. >> all right, spin it.

>> guillermo: ready? >> yeah. >> guillermo: tequila shot! oh! >> no! >> guillermo: oh, my gosh. cheers. >> cheers. >> oh my god. ♪ >> tequila shot. all right. >> guillermo: cheers. >> get the twinkie close. >> good idea. >> guillermo: don't move it. i'm depending on you, don't move it. >> all right. >> tequila shot. >> guillermo: all right, ready? oh, tequila shot! >> oh, hey! >> cheers!

oh my god, i can feel it in my chest. are you okay? >> yeah. i might need to be burped. >> guillermo: yeah. go ahead. [ burping ] wow! you do have powers! [ cheers and applause ] >> chelsea: where's my -- oh, you have one. >> guillermo: i got one for you. [ cheers and applause ] >> chelsea: cheers, guillermo. >> guillermo: cheers. >> chelsea: we have a great show for you tonight. comedian matteo lane is here. we've got music from aespa. and we'll be right back with paris hilton. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by auto trader. feeling good. i just found all these cars on autotrader. wow! now wait for the best part there microwave. a dealer is gonna deliver this car to our home. never leave home, never leave home!

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[ cheers and applause ] >> chelsea: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live!" i'm chelsea handler. tonight -- comedian, singer, and podcaster extraordinaire matteo lane is with us. [ cheers and applause ] then later, from seoul, south korea, they are apple music's up next artist. their album is called "girls." music from aespa from the mercedes eq stage. [ cheers and applause ] i'll be back tomorrow for one more show with my guests taron edgerton and kelsea ballerini. and you can catch me live on my tour. it's called "vaccinated and horny." that's the name of my tour. [ cheers ] which is running through the rest of the year. dates and tickets are available at chelseahandler.com. our first guest taught us all that if you want to be famous, you just need to be awesome. she's the original influencer and the proud owner of the catchphrase "that's hot." her podcast "this is paris" is available everywhere you get

your podcasts. please welcome paris hilton. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ oh, my, how exciting. how exciting is this for both of us? >> so exciting. >> chelsea: for so many years i wanted to interview paris on my own talk show when i had my own talk show. but you wouldn't come on. [ laughter ] >> no. i was scared. >> chelsea: you were scared. i hear that all the time, that people were very scared of me. and i don't know why everybody thought i was so scary. then i watched a couple of episodes of my talk show. [ laughter ] and i realized that i was a [ bleep ] bitch. [ laughter and applause ] it's really nice to have you under the subterfuge of someone else's talk show. congratulations, first of all. i did your podcast, what was it, about a year ago? >> yes. >> chelsea: i did your podcast

"this is paris," which was so much fun, where we got to interact for the very first time. >> i loved it. >> chelsea: you didn't think i was a bitch then, did you? >> no, i fell in love with you, i can't believe i ever thought that, this is one of the coolest [ bleep ] women in the world. [ cheers and applause ] >> chelsea: and i was so excited because then you invited me to your wedding, which thank you so much. [ cheers ] and i wasn't able to come, for whatever reason. guillermo and i were probably in mexico that weekend. >> guillermo: yes, cancun. >> chelsea: we had professional responsibilities. >> of course. >> chelsea: i heard it was fantastic. and i know that you're so happy and in love. i watch you on instagram, i see all your happiness in videos. >> i really am. he is amazing. i feel really lucky. and you're in love too. [ cheers ] >> chelsea: i know, i know. but i'm not married yet, i'm not ready for that kind of commitment. i was surprised to hear -- how did you know you were ready to get married to somebody? >> when you know, you know. i thought i was just going to be single forever, that was my plan. i wasn't looking for love and it just happened unexpectedly.

>> chelsea: and do you feel that anything has changed since you've been married? what are some things that you do that you haven't done, didn't do before you were married and his wife? >> we do all pretty much the same thing, it just feels like more legit now. >> chelsea: like would you go to the bathroom in front of each other? is that normal? [ laughter ] >> no. >> chelsea: no? >> no. >> chelsea: i'm doing that with my boyfriend now, so why would we get married? know what i mean? >> well -- >> chelsea: that's not something you would ever be open to doing? >> no. never. i don't care how close i am with someone. >> chelsea: how long did your honeymoon go on for? it felt like it went on for six to seven months. [ laughter ] >> it was 7 1/2 weeks. >> chelsea: oh my god. look at you. [ cheers ] >> yes. i deserved it. i've been working really hard and it was my first vacation in a long time. >> chelsea: yeah, you do deserve it, you do work hard. i know it's a joke. people used to joke about you not working hard, but you work really hard, and that's why

you're a bad-ass and that's why i do respect you. >> thank you. [ cheers ] >> chelsea: you were at britney spears's wedding recently too? >> right. [ cheers ] >> chelsea: you almost had a conflict and weren't able to make that wedding, right? >> yeah, i was asked by president biden and their team to go deejay for, like, that summit dinner with all the leaders of the world. but it was the same night of britney's wedding. then i'm like, no, i'm not going to miss that. they're like, we'll send a helicopter, you can fly back and forth. i'm not going to be the one landing in and out of britney's wedding in a helicopter. [ laughter ] like, come on. so i had to cancel on the president. sorry. [ cheers and applause ] >> chelsea: that's a bold move. did you tell them why you were canceling, that it was an emergency? it was an emergency because britney spears was getting married? >> yeah. >> chelsea: how was that wedding? i saw a picture. can you throw up a picture of all the women who were there? madonna, selena gomez -- [ cheers ]

>> literally like one of the most iconic nights of my life. >> chelsea: i saw a photo of you where it looked like you were really emotional, were you? >> i was. seeing her walk down the aisle, this angel who's had a horrible time these past 13 years, to have her freedom, be able to do what she wants and have that fairy tale. p and it was just beautiful. >> chelsea: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] who got the most intoxicated out of that group of women you were in the photo with? >> it wasn't about the drink, it was more about the dancing and the singing. >> chelsea: who was singing? >> madonna was singing. selena and i was singing. everyone was singing. >> chelsea: do you know -- how do you know britney spears originally? >> we've been friends for over two decades. >> chelsea: do you remember how you met her? >> she -- we just met from back in the day. then i remember -- one of the first pictures i saw of us was at my grandfather's estate. she came over and we were hanging out. we've been close ever since. >> chelsea: were you able to keep in touch with her during this whole time of everything that was going on with her

family and her situation? >> yeah. >> chelsea: and be a support system to her? >> yes. >> chelsea: that's good. what about you and having children? >> i can't wait. >> chelsea: oh, really? >> yes. >> chelsea: i thought you were going to say you're not going to have children. >> no, i really, really -- i've always wanted to have a family, i just never found the right person to do it with. so i can't wait for that next step. very soon. >> chelsea: are you guys working on that currently? >> yes. >> chelsea: or looking to get impregnated in the fall, like is there a time frame? >> i have to deejay at tomorrowland and ibiza, so the summer's not good for me. [ laughter ] >> chelsea: tell me what your schedule is like deejaying. people don't realize how intense it is and they don't take deejaying seriously as a job unless they've been to one of your events. >> oh, my god. it's crazy. in ibiza i used to have to play from 4:30 to 6:30 was the deejay set, then change into a p swimsuit and 6:45 to like 8:30 spring foam and playing music at the same time, my foam party. so yeah, it's very late nights. now that i'm grown up, i'm not really into that. >> chelsea: i've been to ibiza

once and i came back and i was brain dead. [ laughter ] but you can deejay now for shorter periods of time? you don't have to be out the whole night? >> no, i do earlier sets now. >> chelsea: do you bring your boyfriend -- i mean, sorry, your husband? i can't get past the fact that you're married. did you bring your husband to your work? >> my husband and i go everywhere with each other. but sometimes if it's really late and he has to wake up early, i'll just go quickly and come back home. >> chelsea: you know who else goes everywhere with their wife? dr. phil and his wife, they do everything together. [ laughter ] >> oh. i'm not acting like him. [ laughter ] >> chelsea: i'm warning you, you want to stay away from that kind of behavior because i don't want you to turn into [ bleep ] dr. phil either. [ laughter and applause ] >> me either. >> chelsea: we'll be right back with paris hilton after this. and everyone on social media is trying me. i'm trending so hard that “hashtag common sense” can't keep up. this is going to get tens and tens of views. ♪

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> chelsea: welcome back. i am here with paris hilton. paris, you have a new -- you brought me a present. >> i did. >> chelsea: you have a new track suit line? >> yep. >> chelsea: oh, my goodness. [ cheers and applause ] >> you're the first one to get this new iconic track suit. >> chelsea: oh my god, i love gifts. especially when i'm hosting for somebody else and it should be for them. >> you are a boss babe. >> chelsea: oh, yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> so comfortable. >> chelsea: how cool is that? actually, i had a wedding gift for you that jimmy left for you, i forgot to give to it you. a gift card to marriott for two nights. [ laughter ] >> i only stay in hilton. >> chelsea: give it back to me, i'll use it. guillermo, do you want to use this? >> guillermo: sure, yeah. >> chelsea: here, i'll put it right here. >> guillermo: okay, i'll get it after. >> chelsea: okay, thanks.

guillermo gave me a little bit of tequila before the show, so i'm a little bit off balance. tell me about what you did with -- i know that you got a bunch of animals once by accident? in vegas? did you do that? did you get a bunch of animals once and drive them home? >> when i was 19, i went to vegas, this exotic pet store. and i bought like a goat and two ferrets. >> chelsea: on a whim? were you wasted? >> no, this was just an afternoon. [ laughter ] then i went to the airport and they're like, you cannot bring these all on the plane, this is not a traveling zoo. i had to literally get in a limo with all these animals, driving in six hours of traffic, because it was new year's, home to l.a. with all these pets. >> chelsea: i -- that's pretty funny. did you keep those pets forever? did you get rid of them? >> i kept them. the goat is at my ranch. it grew horns and big like udder things. [ laughter ] is there a picture of the goat? >> chelsea: yes, there is a picture of the goat, sorry. here we go. it's a little baby goat, right? >> yes, billie. >> chelsea: a billy goat?

>> he was so cute in the beginning. >> chelsea: i once forgot my dog when i went to canada. i didn't know you could take dogs to canada. i thought they had to go into quarantine. turns out that's only for the uk. when i got to canada they were like oh, where are your dogs? i was like, i didn't know i could bring them. i only had one dog at the time, his name was chunk. so i sent my dog -- i know this is not very relatable. i chartered a private plane for just my dog. [ laughter ] and i flew him to canada to meet me. when they landed and i picked my dog up, the pilot came out and he just said, "i want to show you the plane manifest where it lists the passengers." it just said "chunk handler." he said, you have to imagine our shock when we got on board to fly this plane and we saw one dog wearing a seat belt. [ laughter ] and i was like, well, you know what? i didn't know that i could bring him. so that was the kind of money i was willing to burn to be with my animals. but i know how you feel about your animals too because you rescue a lot of animals. >> yes. >> chelsea: do you have any new ones? >> no.

actually, no, crypto and ether are my two new pomeranians. >> chelsea: i met them when i was at your house. >> those were the newest ones. >> chelsea: nikki, your sister, is pregnant, right? >> yeah. >> chelsea: isn't she due like during the show right now? >> she literally could be going into labor right now. >> chelsea: i know she's going into labor because i induced her earlier this afternoon. [ laughter ] i don't know if you know this, but i'm a doula. >> you are? >> chelsea: yes, i am. when you get pregnant and you want somebody chill to go through your pregnancy with that will also possibly have mushrooms, ayahuasca, whatever you need while delivering the baby, i'm your girl. [ laughter ] >> seems really calming and safe. >> chelsea: it depends what kind of personality you have. i find mushrooms very calming and safe. other people freak out. but i can't speak for everybody else. are you going to be able to change diapers and everything for your sister when she has her baby? >> um -- >> chelsea: have you ever done that? >> no, not yet. >> chelsea: come on, you've changed a diaper. >> no, because it's not my kid. i'd feel weird -- can i change your kid's diaper? no one's ever asked me to do that.

i never offered it. >> chelsea: it is your sister. >> maybe i'll practice it. i don't know. >> chelsea: it's your sister. you're going to want to change her diaper, even once, just to pretend that you're down for that, you know what i mean? >> okay. >> chelsea: don't you think? >> i don't know. i never thought about that. [ laughter ] >> chelsea: maybe it's not going to happen, then. okay. nikki, if you're watching from your hospital bed, i'll change your diaper. [ laughter ] i'll change your diaper but not your baby's diaper. [ laughter ] thank you so much, paris. >> thank you. >> chelsea: "this is paris" is available everywhere you get your podcasts. and we'll be right back with matteo lane. there's a lot to deal with. not just unpredictable relapses, all these other things, too. kesimpta is an at-home treatment that may help you put these rms challenges in their place. kesimpta was proven superior at reducing the rate of relapses versus aubagio. and, when it's ready, it takes less than one minute a month to inject kesimpta.

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because why would you ever share your vacation home with someone you wouldn't share your vacation with. ♪ ♪ >> chelsea: welcome back. earlier this month, "variety" named our next guest as one of its "top 10 comics to watch for 2022." he's also an artist, singer, podcaster, and possessor of a remarkable mustache. please welcome the very funny matteo lane. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

oh, you are in for such a treat because you are such a treat. >> oh my god, thank you, i'm single. [ cheers ] and obviously a flaming homosexual. >> chelsea: that must be very exciting. i know how much you love paris hilton. >> i was losing it. and also my gay friends were back there and we were waiting for her. and i kept talking to all the people, when is she -- it was like a bunch of anxious gays looking to see a comet. >> chelsea: she was talking about also one of your other favorites, britney spears's wedding. i know that you were sitting backstage imagining what it must have been like to be at that wedding. nobody would have enjoyed being at that wedding more than matteo lane. >> they would have been kicking me out and i would have been screaming and crying. i'm obsessed with britney spears. i think she's great. >> chelsea: do your britney spears?

[ imitating britney spears ] [ cheers and applause ] first of all, happy birthday. >> thank you, it's my birthday. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. >> chelsea: yes. it's your birthday. and you posted this beautiful photo of his birthday yesterday on his instagram account. >> i did. >> chelsea: can we throw that up? [ cheers ] you post a lot of news. i know because i post a lot of news. we have that in common. >> it's very freeing. and also this is a great advertisement for finding a husband. >> chelsea: i think so. how else are you going to get one unless you put your goods out there and show them? you're a gay man, that's what gay men are looking for. >> this is it, requires nothing else, no intellect. can you sing? i don't care, show me your ass. [ laughter ] >> chelsea: but you have all these talents. i know you were just in italy. but he's italian and he speaks fluent italian. so you're a comedian. most comics can't even speak english. never mind -- [ laughter ] that's impressive. you spent your time in italy -- you were there for what, three

weeks? >> i was there for three weeks. i went on -- my mom is italian. also mexican. that's why i look like a deli worker. [ laughter ] i sound gay but my voice should sound like, "my friend!" [ laughter ] i went on my first date -- i'd never been on a date in italy. i went on my first date in italy. like a proper date. >> chelsea: i see. >> okay, wait, all right. so he -- his name is giuseppe. [ laughter ] tim's not coming to pick me up. he's like, "matteo, i pick you up on my vesvespa, i show you a of roma." i was lizzy mcguire. [ cheers ] i was on the back of that vespa -- ♪ this is what dreams are made of ♪ it was amazing. you've been to italy. right? >> yeah. >> have you ever been on the back of a vespa going through traffic in italy? >> chelsea: yes, i have. wearing a toga that almost got caught in the motor of the vespa. my stupid ex-boyfriend thought it would be funny for us to

dress up in togas and walk through rome like two dickheads. and i was like yeah, i'll do that. and we were riding through that circle where the traffic is, you know. >> yeah. >> chelsea: and the toga was getting caught under the wheel. and i was like i'm going to get decapitated. [ laughter ] >> italy in a nutshell. it is -- the traffic is horrifying. >> chelsea: crazy. >> it's like going through the asteroid field in "the millennium falcon." i felt like c3po, "our chances of survival are --" you know, italians are talking with their hands. he has one hand up while we're going through hell, yelling in italian. [ speaking foreign language ] it was great. we got back to the hotel, you know. usually for gay men it's like, let's have sex. he was so italian, he was like "no, it is 4:00 p.m., now we take a nap." [ laughter ] >> chelsea: no sex? >> no sex. we took a nap and had coffee, this might be the best date i've ever had in my entire life. [ cheers and applause ] >> chelsea: wow, that's cute. so are you going to see -- did you see him again? >> no.

the last text he sent to me was, "i now go back to my island." what island? [ laughter ] i don't know where he is. >> chelsea: it's a wrap on that, okay. well, good. i'm surprised to hear you say the best date you ever had didn't include sex. >> i know, well, that's two separate things. you know what i mean? >> chelsea: i guess that's a wholesome nice date and those are good to have once in a while as well. did you ever do stand-up in italy? since you speak italian. have you tried that? >> yes, i did. my friend francesco de carlo, who's an italian comedian, was like, we'll do it in italian. sure, i'll translate my jokes. i did this old joke. my name is matteo, i went to starbucks, they asked for my name and they wrote potato. which is humiliating. because when you hear potato, that's when you stop writing on the cup. that's when you say to yourself, i heard potato. [ laughter ] i was like i'll just translate it. and i was in rome doing this show. and i'm in the middle like -- [ speaking italian ]

and i was like, oh, they don't have starbucks in italy, number one. [ laughter ] number two, to them, a cup of coffee is a little glass cup. and they're like why would you write your name on an espresso cup? and three, potato and matteo don't rhyme in italian. so i looked like a complete idiot. >> chelsea: aw. what about the hand -- you were telling me about the hand gestures that you can say one thing -- like gestures mean like a whole thing, right? in italy. >> yeah, go like that, this is perfect. go like this, then pull. that's perfect. "perfecto." then if something tastes good you go like this. you go just like tastes yummy. and this is gay. [ laughter ] that's my favorite word in italian. it's just gay with an italian accent. it's just "ga-ay." it's true. you hear italians talk -- [ speaking italian ]

ga-ay. [ laughter ] >> chelsea: how many languages do you speak? >> i speak 4 and a halfish, kind of. >> chelsea: what's the half language? >> german. i studied german and it was rough. >> chelsea: i tried to study german, then i remembered that i'm a jew and i'm not interested in learning it. [ laughter and applause ] it is harsh. because it's such a harsh language too. my mother was german, so i grew up with it. but she didn't speak german because my dad was jewish and it was off limits. when she did speak it it sounded beautiful. then i heard german, the stereotypical german, and i was like, oh god, that is really scary-sounding. >> yeah, it's -- you know, and also i had a great teacher. herr katzenmyer. he was from austria. he never spoke english to us. it really did work. we'd walk into class and just this strange man -- [ speaking foreign language ] and like oh, god. but it was great. i think it was also, you know -- it's kind of gay-sounding. it was perfect for me. [ laughter and applause ] >> chelsea: it is a little gay-sounding.

well, you're just a delight. thank you so much, matteo. you can find matteo's tour schedule on matteolanecomedy.com. we'll be right back with music from aespa. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes eq. all electric, all mercedes.

check out this time space wormhole i creat how's it work?

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egerton and kelsea ballerini. "nightline" is next but first, their album is called "girls." here with the song "life's too short," aespa! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ all of this discussion talking about nothing you would ever ♪ ♪ say to my face you think your words are gospel but they're ♪ ♪ only trouble i ain't got the time to waste ♪ ♪ you need to get a life cause life's too short you must be bored ♪ ♪ out your mind you should really take that nonsense ♪ ♪ somewhere else cause you've got to realize ♪ ♪ i'm doing me regardless and i don't care what you say about it ♪ ♪ and it don't matter if you like it or not i'm having all this fun so ♪ ♪ why would i ever stop doing me regardless no i don't care what ♪ ♪ you say about it and imma d ♪ i'm having all this fun so why

would i ever stop some people are so mean ♪ ♪ all behind a phone screen when we're tryna live our lives ♪ ♪ why you gotta be so vicious be about your business ♪ ♪ 'stead of getting up in mine you need to get a life ♪ ♪ cause life's too short you must be bored out your mind ♪ ♪ you should really take that nonsense somewhere else ♪ ♪ cause you've got to realize i'm doing me regardless ♪ ♪ and i don't care what you say about it and it don't matter if you ♪ ♪ like it or not i'm having all this fun so why would i ever stop ♪ ♪ doing me regardless no i don't care what you say about it ♪ ♪ and imma do it any way that i want i'm having all this fun so ♪ ♪ why would i ever stop doing me regardless doing me regardless ♪ ♪ why would i ever stop ♪

♪ gh old so why♪ ♪ are you wasting your time mmm you should find some better seeds to sow ♪ ♪ they might grow one day but either way i'm doing me regardless ♪ ♪ and i don't care what you say about it and it don't matter ♪ ♪ if you like it or not i'm having all this fun so why would i ever stop ♪ ♪ doing me regardless no i don't care what you say about it ♪ ♪ and imma do it any way that i want i'm having all this fun so ♪ ♪ why would i ever stop doing me regardless life's too short ♪ ♪ doing me regardless doing me regardless woo woo woo ♪ ♪ why would i ever stop ♪ ♪ doing me regardless woo woo

woo ♪ ♪ doing me regardless woo woo woo ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

this is "nightline." >> tonight, shark summer. it seems like they're everywhere. >> a massachusetts beach temporarily closing today after a confirmed sighting of a white shark. >> the most feared predators of the deep, getting a little too close for comfort. >> i just felt it like bone crushing my foot. >> our fascination with these ancient creatures. why these encounters may be a good thing. plus, changing the conversation. the misconception about black women. >> when you hear the term "strong black woman." >> i reject it. i dislike it greatly. >> why it's harmful and offensive to so many. >> how do we thrive? >>