♪ this is "nightline." >> tonight, behind the spotlight. janyeah m ckerney, a face we gr up with on nickelodeon. known for bringing the laughs, now sharing inner pain. >> you pulled back the curtain on child stardom. it's not a pretty picture. >> not as i see it, no. >> weighing in on her famous costar. >> i said i'm really smart. >> opening up about how she says her abusive mother dominated her acting career. >> accepting that she was abusive would have meant reframing my entire life. and that felt impossible. plus murders in albuquerque. after a series of violent killings left the city on edge

for nine months, authorities saying they finally tracked down a suspect. as the families demand justice. >> we want to know what is the motive? >> and serena evolving. the tennis legend who many say is the greatest woman to ever play the sport ready for the next adventure. >> it's amazing, but you know, it's like -- i can't do this forever.

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♪ good evening. thank you for joining us. child star jenette mccurdy grew up playing the sunny, plucky role of sam on "i, carley." behind the camera she says she suffered an agonising adolescence marked by eating disorders and abuse from her exacting and dominating mother. my "nightline" coanchor juju chang has the story. >> on the outside, i was doing a lot of -- performing the tap dancing, the smile and the showing up and landing on my mark, and i'm going to just do what i need to do and be this happy-go-lucky nickelodeon kid. >> my name is samantha puckett, i'm from seattle, and i love fried chicken! >> inside i was hurting. it was painful. i was angry. i felt unsupported. >> you pull back the curtain on child stardom. it is not a pretty picture.

>> not as i see it, no. >> reporter: at 15, jenette mccurdy was one of the most recognizable child stars on television, playing sam puckett in "i, carley." >> where'd my straw go? >> here. >> reporter: she was known as the bunny bff. she says behind that bubbly on-screen persona, nothing about her real life was funny. what were the pitfalls of child fame? >> you're playing an adult's game. you're in an adult's world. and you don't recognize that. you're incapable of being on that level. but you are confused and you think that you are. i think it really leads to stunted personal development. >> reporter: her personal struggles eventually prompting her to abandon acting altogether. you say quite frankly that this was never your dream. stardom was never your dream. whose dream was it? >> my mom's. i think she wanted me to have a better life than she had, but i

also think her approach was very unhealthy and informed by her own lack of self-worth. she lived vicariously through me. >> reporter: jenette had her first audition at age 6, encouraged by late mom deborah. their bond deeply disordered and chaotic. she says her family struggled financially. over time, like so many child stars, her acting paid the bills. >> felt like a lot of pressure. and then i think my mom saw my career as a way out of that life, of that way of living, of that constant grind. >> how chaotic was that childhood home? you describe it with one line that stuck with me, that the air in the house felt like a held breath. >> it was really complicated. my mom also had cancer when i was 2 years old. it was the first time she was diagnosed. so not only was it chaotic because of the abuse that was

happening, my mom's violent and erratic, unstable behavior. but also because we all lived in fear of her cancer coming back. >> reporter: that volatile relationship is at the center of jenette's dark and deeply personal memoir "i'm glad my mom died." what made you pick that? >> i think i earned that title through the writing of the book. i wanted it to be something that would grab people's attention and get them to pick up the book and then hopefully learn by the end of it why i've chosen that title. >> reporter: from the tender age of 11, she says her mother taught her the dangerous habit of calorie restriction which would turn into years of eating disorders. in many ways your mother tried to keep you a child. >> i think my mom wanted to keep me as controllable as possible. i think she really wanted to have her influence on me. and me growing up was a threat to that. >> the key was calorie restriction? >> absolutely. i think my mom encouraged and conditioned my anorexia.

because both she thought that it would in some ways help my career, and also because it served her goal of keeping me young and under her influence. >> reporter: the book reveals dark episodes of her childhood that for years jenette says she blocked out. she describes how her mother would give her showers and touch her invaseively until she was a teenager. she referred to them as medical exams on your private parts? >> yes. this was the hardest part of the book for me to write about. it was a really emotional experience. i laughed during the writing, then i cried a lot after i wrote that vignette. >> you talk about basically having out-of-body associations, out-of-body experiences, when this is happening to you? >> yeah. >> what do you think was going on? >> i've tried to understand. and that didn't lead me anywhere productive. i would just spin my wheels trying to understand my mom's motives. >> this continued until you were 17? >> yeah. >> you describe in the book that you felt violated?

>> yes. i absolutely felt violated. and eventually accepting that was the most, i think, integral piece to my own healing and recovery. >> reporter: at the height she landed a spin-off series "sam and cat" starring alongside ariana grande. she writes about tensions on the set. >> say that one more time. >> i said i'm really smart. >> pfft! >> you wrote, "i frequently made the mistake of comparing my career to ariana's." >> yes. >> "being jealous of everything, of her childhood, jealous of a music career you didn't want? >> she played charades with tom hales. that's what got me. >> how dare she. >> i know. i was so young at the time. i think it's really hard to not compare yourself to somebody at that age when you're in an environment around them all the time. so i made that mistake

repeatedly. and i'm -- i'm glad to be at a place now where i wouldn't trade positions with somebody. >> reporter: as the show was airing, her mother died of cancer. squen net says her life was spinning out of control, anorexia morphing into bulimia and alcohol abuse. >> i was never aiming for bul bulimia. i was attempting to have anorexia but i couldn't keep it up without my mom. that would lead to, starve myself for so long, then binge and purge because i hated the feeling of fullness. hated it. >> reporter: it would take jenette years to seek proper help and start therapy to begin grappling with her trauma. >> yao initially accept the idea that my mother was abusive toward me. because my whole way of life, my whole way of going through the world, was -- i was operating through this lens of, my mom wants what's best for me. even after she died, i'm nothing without my mom, i can't do

anything without my mom, i'm incapable, i'm incompetent what would mom think, what does mom need? accepting she was abusive would mean reframing my entire life. and that felt impossible. i couldn't go near that for a long time. >> reporter: jenette says building a new life without her mom began with a stunning decision, to leave acting behind. why quit acting? >> it was important for me recovery at the time. it represented my mom living vicariously through me. it represented something that my mom wanted that i didn't want. it was important for me to step away in a very definitive way and really just focus on completely -- completely on healing myself. >> reporter: reflecting back, jenette's critical of the hollywood machine and the world she was exposed to at such a young age. in her book she writes that after "sam and cat" was canceled, nickelodeon offered her a $300,000 thank you gift if she agreed to never speak publicly about her experience at the network. specifically with the man she

refers to as "the creator" who on one occasion, she says, encouraged her to drink while she was still underage and gave her a shoemtd massage. in response nickelodeon telling abc news, "we have no reportable response other than a no comment at this time." >> i just said, no, it's not happening. that sounds like hush money to me. not doing it, not taking it. i do remember leaning against -- i think i talk about this in the book -- i lean against my bed, like, well, shoot. that could put my niece through college. that was some good money. but i am ultimately proud of my decision there, wherever it came from, even if it was informed by self-righteousness. i think that i did something that was really hard to do. oh my god, it majors me emotional. i'm proud of myself. >> why? why proud of yourself? i think i've chosen -- a path of integrity. whoo. and it hasn't always been easy.

>> reporter: now 30, jenette says she's recovered from years of eating disorders and found a sense of balance for the first time in her life. what's your body image now, and what's your relationship to food like, and how do you sort of go about your day? >> i'm glad you asked this. because when people talk about eating disorders, they talk about it being such an ongoing process, something you deal with every single day for the rest of your life, and it's always a battle. i think that kind of language, it doesn't help motivate. i'm at a place now where i don't obsess about food at all. i haven't engaged in any sort of disorder eating in years. i'm really proud of that. >> reporter: jenette says healing comes through in her writing. she's working on a novel and a collection of essays. while she sees herself as a writer, she doesn't completely rule out a return to acting. >> i wish i could have shown my 20-year-old self me now. i would have known what i was aiming for. i would have had something to help for, something to be encouraged about. i didn't have that. >> what would you have told you 20-year-old self? >> look at me now, baby.

you're going to be fine, kid, i probably would have said. >> our thanks to juju. up next, the string of killings of muslim men in albuquerque. hot police say is their primary suspect. as someone living with type 2 diabetes, i want to keep it real and talk about some risks. with type 2 diabetes you have up to 4 times greater risk of stroke, heart attack, or death. even at your a1c goal, you're still at risk ...which if ignored could bring you here... ...may put you in one of those... ...or even worse. too much? that's the point. get real about your risks and do something about it. talk to your health care provider about ways to lower your risk of stroke, heart attack, or death. learn more at getrealaboutdiabetes.com

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abc's alex preshea is in albuquerque. >> an intense search under way in albuquerque, new mexico, in the murders of four muslim men. >> reporter: a deep fear loomed over the city of albuquerque for the past few weeks after authorities warned of a suspect on the loose slaying four muslim men. ambushed in the dark of night, then shot and killed in cold blood. >> everyone was on edge in albuquerque. in particular the muslim community. >> reporter: the president of the largest mosque here where some of these men came to worship saying members of his community were scared to leave their homes, afraid to participate in everyday activities, some even moving to live with relatives in nearby states. >> they're distraught. and understandably so. they're disheartened, they're frightened. a lot of them have taken their own measures of limiting their exposure in the community. >> reporter: tonight, some relief. investigators tracking down this vehicle of interest and detaining the driver as their primary suspect. >> we arrested 51-year-old

mohammad syed and charged him for the murder of two muslim men in our community. aftab hussein and mohammad hussein. we are working with the district attorney's office on potential charges for the murder of two other muslim men, ian hussein and mohammad zair ahmadi. >> reporter: authorities saying they located multiple firearms linked to several of the murders, one in the vehicle, another in the suspect's homes. >> we continue to investigate his involvement in the other crimes closely with the district attorney's office and federal prosecutor's office. what we can tell you is a tip from the community helped ed l us to this subject and helped us eventually find the car that we put out two days ago to the public. >> reporter: the killings over nine months, three in a two-week span. the first victim mohammad ahmadi shot and killed in november last year. 41-year-old aftab hussein found

july 26th with gunshot wounds. 27-year-old sane august 1st. the latest, 25-year-old hussein, murdered four days later on austth community heartaefter back-to-back funerals of those lost too soon. >> if you're an investigator, you look at who was killed, where they were killed, and you know are you know, who they are, what they represent, what church, synagogue, et cetera, mosque, they go to. becomes relevant. >> reporter: former fbi profiler brad garrett was one of the lead investigators for the 2002 hunt for the d.c. sniper responsible for killing ten people and wounding many. >> the initial thought was, this might be a hate crime. because you have three, possibly four victims, males, all of the muslim faith. >> reporter: investigators today saying they're still not labelling this a hate crime and the case is under investigation.

the brother of mohammad afsal hussein saying the question behind the motive haunts him. >> we want justice. we want to know what is the motive under which this shooter was doing this heinous crime? >> reporter: he showed us where his brother was murdered, just down the street from their home. just at the end of this block. i mean, you can't escape looking at that. >> that is very painful. i can't escape looking at it. >> reporter: mohammad describing his younger brother as a rising star with dreams of serving his community. >> he told me, "brother, you will see that, one day i will be a congressman, one day i will be senator this land has potential." it's painful when you see your loved one die like this with that brutality. anger and pain. >> our thanks to alex. up next, a major announcement from tennis titan serena williams.

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♪ finally tonight, serena williams' next adventure. here's abc's david muir. >> reporter: she is a tennis icon, a 23-time grand slam champion, winning four olympic gold medals, 23 grand slams, 319 weeks as the number one player. tonight serena williams announcing she's moving on, evolving is the word she used, in an essay for "vogue." "i have never liked the word retirement. it doesn't feel like a modern word.

i've been thinking of this as a transition. maybe the best word is evolution. i'm eevolving away from tennis toward other things that are important to me." this week securing a win in toronto, hinting at a new chapter. >> i don't know, i'm getting closer to the light. i love playing, though. it's like -- it's amazing. bt you know, it's like -- i can't do this forever. sometimes you just want to try your best to enjoy the moments and do the best that you can. >> reporter: it's been an extraordinary run. this is what serena said when she was just 11. >> i'd like to be a tennis player. >> who would you want to be like? >> i'd like other people to be like me. >> with big sister venus, then earning her own spotlight. becoming the first african american woman to win a championship in more than 40 years at wimbledon. her last championship win, the 2017 australian open which she won while two months' pregnant

with daughter olympia. serena saying growing her family is her new priority writing, if i have to choose between building my tennis resume and building my family, i choose the latter. we wish her well. >> that's "nightline" for this evening. catch full episodes on hulu. see you right back here same time tomorrow. thanks for the company, america. good night.