right now, david letterman and tracy morgan. have a good night. ♪ >> lou: from brooklyn, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- david letterman and tracy morgan. with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, thank you. thanks. i'm jimmy, the host of this -- hi, thank you. well, very kind.

thanks for coming. please, relax. it's embarrassing. [ cheers and applause ] i will tell you, it's -- i really do appreciate it. what at plush it is to be back here on stage at the howard gillman opera house at the brooklyn academy of music in brooklyn. [ cheers and applause ] honestly, brooklyn is -- not only is it one of my favorite places on earth, it's also the name of half the kids at my son's preschool. [ laughter ] it's very special to be here. my son, by the way, he's 5 years old. we'd been in brooklyn three days, yesterday, he told our daughter that if she didn't stop annoying him, he was "gonna put his middle finger up." [ laughter ] he's really soaking it in. we haven't been here since 2019. things have changed in three years. back then, the only reason you'd wear a mask in brooklyn is if you were robbing a bodega. [ laughter ] well, now none of you are really wearing masks, are you? everybody's been so welcoming.

every day, restaurants will come here and drop meals off for me, like i'm a newly divorced dad or something. [ laughter ] guillermo has been eating like a rottweiler. where is guillermo, by the way? he has not stopped eating -- [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ 7 [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. i didn't know you were such a talented drummer, guillermo. >> guillermo: oh my god, i just learned, i'm real good at it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we had a little adventure. after the show last night, guillermo, cousin sal and i went to metlife stadium. giants played the cowboys. guillermo is a big dallas cowboys fan.

tell everybody in new york what a big cowboys fan you are. [ boos ] >> guillermo: i've been a cowboy fan all my life! >> jimmy: he asked me last night to stop saying that. [ laughter ] cowboys beat the giants last night -- [ boos ] while guillermo was was very happy, no one took the loss harder than this guy. >> pressure and a sack, sixth of the night. this time it's dorance armstrong. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so sad. if only there was a group of other blue men he could talk to and maybe drum with. [ laughter ] honestly, win or lose, covering yourself in blue paint on a monday night is a pretty sad thing to do. [ laughter ] oh! oh, hey, look at that. [ cheers and applause ] sorry, man. so remember, the important thing to remember is it's only a game. and you didn't play in it. [ laughter ]

the traffic going to the stadium last night, it was the worst traffic i think i've been in in my life. it was like we were fleeing the russian military draft. [ laughter ] when we got to the parking lot, it was another hour after we got to the parking lot guillermo spotted a yellow ferrari being driven by -- [ cheers and applause ] one of our guests tonight, tracy morgan. tracy likes to keep it low profile. you know? [ laughter ] he's not ostentatious like some of these l.a. celebrities. tracy is backstage right now, as is david letterman. [ cheers and applause ] you may know, i've spoken a lot over the years about how much i love dave, the impact he's had on me as a comedian, a talk show host. and dave is here tonight to ask me to stop doing that. [ laughter and cheers ] he's getting uncomfortable. i'm nervous. doing a show with david letterman here is like trying to snake a toilet in front of your plumber. [ laughter ] there's a lot of pressure.

when i was a teenager, i never missed a show. cleto and i, we would watch every single night. on my 16th birthday, i had a "late night with david letterman" cake. my first car, i got a vanity plate that said "l8nite." that's my brother there. i lost my virginity on "late night with david letterman" sheets. [ laughter ] i had a very sad childhood. right, blue man? yeah. [ laughter ] so here's a crazy story. you hear about nasa hitting that asteroid? yesterday, nasa went full "armageddon" and successfully hit an asteroid with a spacecraft in what they say is the world's first planetary defense mission. which is exciting news for everyone other than the space force. they were like, "can't you let us have anything?" [ laughter ] the ship they shot at the asteroid is called the "double asteroid redirection test." d-a-r-t, dart for short. they were going to call it the "first asteroid redirection test." [ laughter ] no, we're going to call it d.a.r.t. d.a.r.t. weighs about 1,000

pounds. which is kind of amazing. like two large pigs weigh 1,000 pounds. nasa's plan to avoid the annihilation of humankind is basically a reverse "angry birds." [ laughter ] the asteroid, named dimorphos, is part of a binary system with another larger asteroid named didymos, which means twin in greek. neither dimorphos nor didymos posed any threat to earth. but now they know not to get any ideas. [ laughter ] and they're telling their friends. and obviously the folks at nasa were pretty fired up. >> and we have impact! >> jimmy: i feel like half the reason you take a job at nasa is for the control room standing ovation moment. [ laughter ] these people fired at and hit an asteroid more than 7 million miles away and celebrated with a round of the lamest high fives you've ever seen in your life. [ laughter ]

this mission cost $325 million, right around the cost of a 3 bed, 2 1/2 bath in williamsburg. [ rim shot ] >> jimmy: thank you. [ cheers and applause ] i wanted to get focused back on brooklyn. you know, the brooklyn public library has a great program going on called "books unbanned" that provides online access to banned books. [ cheers and applause ] anyone between the ages of 13 and 21, including young people in other states where they're banning kids from reading great books because their parents are stupid. [ laughter ] some of these states are banning anything that isn't a cheesecake factory menu. in some of these states. [ laughter ] but this is why i love brooklyn. even the librarians are giving people. the brooklyn public library has had bookmobiles, some are now called "techmobiles," out in brooklyn neighborhoods for 70 years now.

now i got my first library card here in brooklyn when i was 2. and so when i got a chance to take a ride around town in the bookmobile, i said, "yes." ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there. >> hi, jimmy. >> jimmy: could you give us a ride to the bookmobile? >> sure. anybody's welcome in the bookmobile. >> jimmy: let me grab my friend real quick. guillermo! >> guillermo: yes? [ laughter ] what do you need, jimmy? >> jimmy: the bookmobile is here. >> hi, guillermo. >> guillermo: oh, man. >> oop! >> jimmy: all right. >> there you go. >> jimmy: there we go. >> guillermo: you never grabbed my butt before. >> are you comfortable? >> jimmy: yeah, it's like being next to a body pillow. so the idea is that if people don't come to the library, you bring the library to them? >> we bring the library to them. >> jimmy: what about the dewey decimal system? is what worked into the bookmobile? >> yeah, we have to put the books in order.

>> jimmy: uh-huh, okay. >> i'm surprised you know about the dewey decimal system, look at you. >> jimmy: you kidding me? what's the worst thing about working in the library? >> some of the patrons that come -- >> jimmy: the ones who are masturbating at the computer? [ laughter ] >> that too. those too. >> jimmy: this is our first stop? i'm excited, guillermo. >> guillermo: me too. hopefully we have good people. >> jimmy: no, i was us, thinking about masturbating at the library. [ laughter ] >> guillermo: oh, yeah. >> jimmy: look at this we've got to get out of here before the equalizer starts shooting. [ laughter ] queen latifah is going to beat us up. >> guillermo: gosh, she's going to be so mad at us, yeah. she's the only queen left. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: anybody want a book? how are you doing? welcome to the bookmobile. wht kind of thing are you interested in? >> fiction. >> jimmy: have you heard of "fifty shades of grey"? >> i've heard of it. >> jimmy: this one's a little twist. it's called "fifty shades of gary." [ laughter ] i think you'll find gary to be very titillating. enjoy. what kind of books do you like? >> i have a restaurant.

ray's. >> jimmy: it's about time someone named a restaurant ray's in new york. >> this is with a "w." wray. >> jimmy: that must make it impossible to look up. [ laughter ] you like to cook? you're going to love this. "how to land a top-paying pierogi maker's job. [ laughter ] >> exactly what i was looking for. thank you so much, jimmy. >> jimmy: what are you interested in, what types of of subjects? >> i read a lot about botany and plants. >> jimmy: botany and plants? >> i'm a history guy. >> jimmy: history and botany, okay. this one kind of covers both of those things, actually. it's called "how green were the nazis?" [ laughter ] are you married? >> i've been married 28 years, single 7. >> jimmy: i have the perfect book. "microwave cooking for one." [ laughter ] >> guillermo: that's fantastic.

>> jimmy: all right? enjoy. >> thank you. >> jimmy: don't put it in the microwave, though. >> no, i won't. >> jimmy: it's a book. how, that's a new baby, huh? >> very new. >> jimmy: this is good. it has animals and relaxation, which are both very important. so "if you give a horse a xanax." [ laughter ] yeah, after all that crying. >> jimmy: hi there, how are you? i like your tutu. how old are you? >> i'm 6 years old. >> jimmy: are you a reader? >> yes. >> jimmy: i have a few books, actually, i think you're going to like. this one is called "latonya the naughty horse learns to say no to drugs." [ laughter ] do you like horses? >> yes. >> jimmy: do you like drugs? >> no. >> jimmy: good, good. [ laughter ] okay, you take that. this one's called "my dad lives in a hotel." [ laughter ] hopefully you won't ever really need that book. and this one is called "pooh gets stuck." [ laughter ] get it? >> uh -- >> jimmy: what does your shirt

mean? >> it's my company, eldon's edibles, el's eds. >> jimmy: you make edible marijuana? >> i do. >> jimmy: what have you got, guillermo? >> guillermo: i'm taking a little break. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you know what, i think i have the perfect book for you. "i can't chew" cookbook. >> i love it. >> jimmy: for people who become so high, they are unable to chew. [ laughter ] >> perfect. >> guillermo: want to take a shot of tequila? >> i do want to take a shot. >> guillermo: go ahead. good, right? >> best book i ever had, guillermo. [ laughter ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: we gave away all the books. >> we had fun today. >> jimmy: we really did. >> guillermo: look at the rainbow! >> jimmy: it's a reading rainbow. ♪ butterfly in the sky i can go twice as high ♪

♪ take a look it's a book a reading rainbow ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: sing that in a mirror five times, levar burton will appear. thanks to the brooklyn public library for helping us out. we have a great show for you tonight. tracy morgan is with us. [ cheers and applause ] we're going to be right back with the one and only david letterman, so stick around! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ mercedes-benz is turning electric... completely on its head. bringing legendary design... and state-of-the-art technology... to a fully-electric suv. the all-new, all-electric eqb from mercedes-benz.

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back. tonight, his show "tracy morgan:

no disrespect" is part of the new york comedy festival in november. the imitable tracy morgan is with us. [ cheers and applause ] we have great shows all week. tomorrow night, we'll be joined by mila kunis and ramy youssef, with music from future. please join us for that show too. [ cheers ] there is no television person i admire more than our first guest. he's the best to ever do this job in new york or any place else. please welcome "mr. rock & roll," david letterman. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: wow, boy. it's great to have you here. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy, it's so nice to see you. but mostly it's nice to be on tv, thank you for that. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> by the way, the bookmobile thing's solid. [ laughter ] this must be peabody award season. is that what we're looking at? >> jimmy: you used to have a bookmobile on your show. >> yeah, we did, a bookmobile. >> jimmy: you drove it right on the stage there. >> is that the roger meares family here tonight? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yes, waiting for aaron judge, aren't they? >> i thought they'd be here, sorry. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is a funny thing you bring up. every night roger maris' family unless the audience at yankee stadium waiting for their hearts to be broken. [ laughter ] >> i know.

thank you. if you have to explain it, it's really not worth it. [ laughter ] i appreciate it, thank you so much. >> jimmy: how are you doing? how's the family, how's harry? >> harry is my son. and all reports indicate he's okay. i heard someone start to applaud. or did i just mishear that? [ cheers ] what did you have to do with the birth and the raising of the boy? [ laughter ] yeah, he's -- no, they tell me he's in college. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is that right? >> you've been through that yourself, right? people go through this. the separation of the kid leaving home. and i thought it would be nothing. but it's devastating. am i the only one that feels that way? >> jimmy: no. >> he's been gone a month today. and so we had a truckload of crap to take up to his room. and his room, man. it's -- well, it's not as big as the desk.

[ laughter ] and so they say, don't worry because you're going to have a lot of junk to take up to the room. we'll have graduate students -- not graduate students. upper classmen to help. so we drive up to the college, and there's the upper classmen. and it's, "hey, hey, welcome to college!" i said, "is there a place to --" no, you've got to go around. i go around the traffic circle. a half hour later, "welcome to college." "i know, i was just at college a minute ago." "go around again." [ laughter ] "hey, welcome to college!" finally find a place to park several acres away. [ laughter ] 96 degrees. and the kid and i then carry a sofa up three flights of stairs. >> jimmy: is that true? >> yeah. is that true? no. [ laughter ] this stuff's got to be true? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'll have to check the handbook, i don't know. i don't know if you know this, but i went to college. and when i was there -- >> it's written all over you, jimmy. [ laughter ] everyone's talking about it.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: i didn't learn anything in college. the only thing i learned was to drink beer out of the pitcher, you didn't need the glass. [ laughter ] >> well, i called him like a week into it. "hi, harry, how's it going?" oh, this, that, this, that, this, that. "harry, have you met the kid yet who sells weed?" [ laughter ] and i'm thinking, oh, this will get a good laugh. harry says, "i cannot confirm or deny." [ laughter and applause ] >> yeah, oh-oh.. - i saw you. you were mr. media. by wait -- >> jimmy: thank you. >> thank you for having me on the show, and thank you for being so nice to me. but last night you were on "monday night football." >> jimmy: yeah. >> on there talking to curt gowdy? >> jimmy: no, no, he's gone, he's been gone for years. [ laughter ] it was joe buck. >> joe buck. >> jimmy: yeah.

>> i dropped curt gowdy in there to gauge the age of the audience. [ laughter ] and it's just about what i thought it would be. and then on "the manning show" is tracy morgan. >> jimmy: he was on the manning-cast. >> i'm thinking, wait a minute, he and i are supposed to be on the jimmy kimmel tomorrow night, now i'm starting to get my feelings hurt because i think maybe there's been a meeting scheduled that i wasn't invited to. [ laughter ] now this morning, howard stern. >> jimmy: did you listen to that this morning? >> no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: can i tell you something? i feel like howard stern is threatened by you. and i feel like howard -- howard and i are very close, i feel like howard is jealous of my admiration for you. i feel like there's something weird there. >> okay. well, let me tell you my view of howard. >> jimmy: okay. [ laughter ] >> i've known howard a long time. a very, very long time. howard used to work at a radio station in the same building where the late-night show

started years and years ago. good lord, 30 years, is it? >> jimmy: yeah. >> in those days, howard was shock jock howard. and i was always afraid of howard. say unpleasant things about me.- >> jimmy: right. >> and -- but he did. [ laughter ] and i -- and i kept thinking to myself, this -- he must not have any feelings of his own. because he would say hurtful things. and the more hurtful things he would say, the greater his audience would become. >> jimmy: right. >> so i just thought, i'm in the wrong business here. now, over the years, howard and i have spent some time together. and i've gotten to know howard. and he was such a sweet man to apologize for intimidating me. [ laughter ] it was, "i'm sorry i frightened you." and i got to know him as a completely different guy. and that's the guy that i have really gotten to be friends with

over the years. and i only talk to him about once a year. >> jimmy: uh-huh? [ laughter ] that's good. >> that's plenty. [ laughter ] and the last time it was a mistake. [ laughter ] it was. wow. >> jimmy: how was it a mistake? >> there's comedy everywhere, in't there? [ laughter ] my phone lights up and there's a beautiful painting, a watercolor. and it's something that howard has done. you must know this. >> jimmy: yeah, he paints. he's a very good painter. >> he paints but it's not like -- not like show business painting. he really can paint. >> jimmy: very detailed. >> it's not like tony bennett painting. [ laughter ] it's actual stuff. and so he's done this in the past. and i keep thinking, i would like to own a howard stern painting. and oh, the other thing that he

says, "you know, you could do it." really, i could do it? "yeah, i could show you a couple of tricks." well, it's not exactly paint by numbers. >> jimmy: no, it's serious painting. >> museum-quality kind of stuff. the phone lights up, there's this beautiful seascape or something, a bucolic scene. and so i text him right back. i said, wow, howard, that's unbelievable. and then when i get home i call him. and he says, "oh, yeah, i sent that to you by mistake." [ laughter ] so i love howard. i just think arm's length may be the way to go here. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: i think that's the case with most relationships. >> you're close with the guy, right? >> jimmy: yeah. >> what did you talk about on the show? someone's screaming. someone screamed "baba booey." [ laughter ] honest to christ, is that the man's legacy? [ laughter ] when they finally put him in the ground, it will be idiots screaming "baba booey." >> jimmy: yes, david letterman is here, everybody! we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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prop 27 sends 90% of profits from online sports betting to out-of-state corporations in places like new york and boston. no wonder it's so popular... out there. yeah! i can't believe those idiots are going to fall for this. 90%! hey mark, did you know california is sending us all their money? suckers. -those idiots! [ laughter ] imagine that, a whole state made up of suckers. vote no on 27. it's a terrible deal for california. we win. you lose.

the gentleman in the back? >> yes. dave from "basketball digest." kevin, why do people call you k.d.? >> my first name is kevin. >> uh-huh? right? >> my last name is durant with a "d." >> i got hoff the phone with the dolan family, they're talking to the commissioner now, they're looking at working a contractual deal that will allow you, when you're not playing for the nets, days off, you'll be able to play for the knicks. comments? >> all right, dave, that was the last one. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that was david letterman pestering kevin durant on his show "my next guest needs no introduction." >> clevon, i appreciate that it. >> jimmy: he's not here. >> that was kevin durant. >> jimmy: you and kevin durant, it seemed like you guys kind of hit it off during the show. [ laughter ]

>> well. i will tell you what you're experiencing there is not false. because you spend enough time talking to somebody about a wide variety of things and a closeness or a supposed closeness develops between the two. i don't think it will happen with you and me. >> jimmy: no. [ laughter ] >> and i felt that way about kevin. and kevin is an amazing athlete, an amazing human. and fascinating. and he's always high. [ laughter ] he enjoys -- he told me that the first thing he does when he gets out of bed is he lights up a joint, then he's in business. [ laughter ] yeah. i thought, i have a twin. [ laughter ] so anyway, when we're done talking to kevin, i feel this warmth, this connection, this gratitude of a relationship here. and i go up to him and i say, kevin, you've been great, so generous with your time. this is a year ago, just before basketball season. and i said, i want us to stay friends.

because i think we can be friends. and he says, yep, i agree. and we hugged. [ laughter ] so now it becomes opening night. they're opening in boston. playing the celtics. and before tip-off, because i have his text number, i text him, kevin, dave. why is that sort of amusing? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: his text number? >> is it not a number? >> jimmy: i think they call it a phone number still, like the old days. [ laughter ] >> i'd like to see a phone book, where the hell are they now? i texted him. i say, good luck and have a great game and congratulations on everything. so after the game is over, i get a text back. oh, it's kevin durant. he says, thanks, bro. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that was it? >> i haven't heard from him since. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well.

at least he thinks of you as a brother. i mean, that's nice. >> yeah, it was good for a while. but how cool would that be if kevin durant and i were hanging around? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i think you could probably swing it. i think you have to be persistent with kevin, that's all. i want to mention a couple of things to you, if you don't mind. first of all, when you came to las vegas, your show, many years ago, i was living in las vegas. i was in college. i wrote in letters. i wrote 20 letters to your show, asking for tickets, using the names and addresses of everyone i knew. [ laughter ] and i said, if you get tickets, you have to bring me to the show. i went to all of those shows that week. and now it's very strange to be here with you on this show here. and not just strange, but -- delightful, i would say. [ cheers ] and also -- [ cheers and applause ] >> now, i don't mean this to be harsh. but you understand, from my point of view, there may be an element of this that sounds creepy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no doubt.

there's no doubt about it. so you didn't do this with johnny? >> oh, no. >> jimmy: no? even screenier, i waited in an alley, somebody rented a car, "that's david letterman's rental car." only a matter of time until dave letterman comes out and gets in his car. i waited hours and hours. turns out david letterman never got out of that rental car. [ laughter ] spent most of the day waiting for you to get in that car. >> did your folks have anybody talk to you? [ laughter ] this is aberrant. >> jimmy: so you didn't do this with johnny? >> oh, no. >> jimmy: no? >> johnny scared the crap out of me. >> i feel the same way. >> oh, no. >> jimmy: well -- a little bit, yeah. >> i will say that over the years, and it has been years, no one in show business has been

kinder to me than mr. kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, well. thank you. i'd tell you more stories but i feel i'd never see you again if i did. [ laughter ] >> somewhere kids are watching you with the same reaction -- >> jimmy: you know what, i checked around and there aren't. [ laughter ] no, i am not -- i've not inspired anything. and your youtube channel -- is this something you decided to do or one of your team decided to do? >> team. team, yeah. >> jimmy: it is the at least greatest -- >> oh, now stop it. >> jimmy: it is. >> get a hold of yourself. [ laughter ] it's just stuff from the old show -- >> jimmy: don't listen. dave, it's not just stuff. this is stuff that -- most comedy bits like the bookmobile thing do not hold up. [ laughter ] if you take a journey and put your children in front of the computer and watch this show, it

is -- it is just great. and in fact today, they posted -- i made a video talking about some of my favorite moments. >> right, i remember that. and thank you very much for doing that. >> jimmy: it was my pleasure to do it. and i promise you, if you watch it, you'll never watch the show again. [ laughter ] you won't. >> it's absolutely not true. i mean, good for you, and congratulations on everything. >> jimmy: we'll agree to disagree on this one. >> okay, let's just find another topic. >> jimmy: okay. [ laughter ] should we maybe get tracy morgan to drive us around after the show? >> oh, man. you commented how he's in his yellow ferrari. >> jimmy: yeah. >> going down low. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and he's stuck in traffic. and i just think, well, okay, good, good. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: there's nothing

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back. our next guest was born and teethed on his first gold chain just a few miles from this theater. he is brooklyn-born and bronx-raised with a new live show, "tracy morgan: no disrespect." you can see it at the new york comedy festival on november 12th. please welcome tracy morgan. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> hello! all right!

[ cheers and applause ] i love you! >> jimmy: this is your town, tracy. >> yeah, hey, listen. >> jimmy: these are your people. >> looking at this, all this look efficient. the brooklyn sign, what's up? you don't have a puddle of pee right here? [ laughter ] no stray paint, no crackhead, what's up? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're right, we need more authenticity. >> this is brooklyn, this is gentrified brooklyn. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you're right. i don't know if you're aware. if you look on wikipedia, it says you were born in the bronx and raised in brooklyn. but it's the opposite, right? >> yeah, i was born in brooklyn. you ask me where i'm from, a brooklyn dude, a bronx heart. i've got my heart in the bronx. [ cheers ] i love brooklyn. this is where i'm born and raised, the bronx is where i grew up. >> jimmy: i loved seeing you in that spectacular yellow ferrari last night. [ laughter ]

>> saw me last night? i was chilling! i had a police escort but the police escort got lost. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is that right? >> that traffic was crazy. i thought, most of these people ain't going to see the game tonight. >> jimmy: guillermo pulled up right next to you, he said, "tracy's mad." >> that was my back therapist, blanca. she does my back. >> jimmy: you travel with a masseuse? >> yeah, sometimes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i know you're a big basketball fan. are you a bigger basketball or football fan? >> i love both. but basketball is crazy right now, man. the coach from the celtics? >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> the coach from the celtics got suspended for messing with a subordinate. >> jimmy: i saw that. >> that's why i only mess with women who work the drive-thru at chick-fil-a. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: very smart. >> you know, it's not fair. captain kirk never got suspended. >> jimmy: yep. >> he messed with everybody, even uhura. [ laughter ]

everybody. all through the galaxy. no one ain't never said nothing to him. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i saw you on "the manning-cast" last night. you were with peyton and eli. you made the claim on "the manning-cast" is tony dorsett -- >> my daddy. >> jimmy: running back for the dallas cowboys -- >> biological father. [ laughter ] they all used to come up there to see my mother. [ laughter ] tony dorsett drove a white van. he sold fish out the back of that van. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i feel like -- previous appearances on this show, we looked it up, you've claimed that charlton heston was your biological father. [ laughter ] and john cousteau was your biological father. [ laughter ] >> no, it was an accident, it came out that it was tony. >> jimmy: i see. the dna tests revealed it was tony? >> i love being with eli and his brother.

they father, archie, was the one. he got two sons that won super bowl rings. i call him not even archie manning, i call him super sperm. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm sure he'd appreciate the nickname. >> super sperm. >> jimmy: i saw a picture of you with the mayor, eric adams. he was giving you -- what was he presenting you with there. >> that right there -- i got it may 24th, the rest of my life, in new york city is tracy morgan day. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tracy morgan day proclaimed by new york. >> eric is my man. everybody else call him the mayor. i call him the head [ bleep ] in charge. [ laughter ] he call me every now and then to help him, he wanted me to help him out with the city. i help him out with little things in the city. like placement of hot dog vendors. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay, where do you like them placed? >> wherever i can get to them.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: convenient for you? >> near gyro carts. i like them by the garden. helping them with stuff like mustard and sauerkraut, not nothing big. >> jimmy: would you say he's a friend of yours, the mayor? >> absolutely. d-bags, i love you, man. [ laughter ] new york, new york! >> jimmy: have you visited city hall? >> that's how great new york city is, they named it twice. [ cheers ] new york, new york! new york, new york! you know what john lennon called new york city? rome. >> jimmy: why? >> this is the center of the universe here. >> jimmy: i see. [ cheers and applause ] >> everybody here is gladiators. [ cheers and applause ] listen, you can tell a real new yorker. you can tell a strap hanger from a tourist. >> jimmy: how can you tell? >> i tell tourists, get away from me. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you do? >> over there. new yorkers don't stop, we don't hang out. new yorkers at the train, we go home. i'm not in new york city, born

and raised here, right down the block. [ cheers and applause ] let me tell you, now. brooklyn, you becoming gentrified, you can tell when it's over. when there's a starbucks, a chase bank, and a hole through your neighborhood. >> jimmy: that's the end? >> the end. [ applause ] >> jimmy: how old is your daughter now? >> my daughter's 9. >> jimmy: 9 years old, wow. >> oh, man, that's my daughter, that's my princess. she's a chip off the old block. playing with her cousin last week, playing with tonka trucks. he held with his tonka truck, she made him pay $20 on the spot. [ laughter ] chip off the old block. >> jimmy: what is she interested in now? what are her hobbies? >> she wants to be a marine biologist. >> jimmy: she does? is that because of the sharks? >> i have a 20,000-gallon shark tank in the backyard. that's her tank. i call it -- her nickname is stink-a-mama. that's my stink-a-mama. >> jimmy: has she seen "the little mermaid"?

the new disney -- >> she's into "the little mermaid." some people are outraged because the little mermaid is black now. >> jimmy: i've heard that, yeah. >> that's not good. we could do exactly what you could do. the little mermaid's black. plus she ain't even going to be swimming, she just got her hair done. [ laughter and applause ] i ain't swimming! you know what she is going to be doing? she's going to be sitting on a rock, arguing with aquaman over child support. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: speaking of child support, are you dating right now? [ laughter ] >> am i dating? yeah. yeah, i'm on tinder. [ laughter ] my tinder profile is a truck dropping off a bag of money. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: tracy. what are you looking for in a woman? because i know you enjoy -- >> what am i looking for in a woman? i'm an older man now. no self-esteem.

low integrity. serious daddy issues. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: uh-huh? >> that's what works for me. >> jimmy: these are the key words you're looking for? >> that's what works for me. >> jimmy: and this new york comedy festival, that's going to be fun. all the big comedians are coming together, right? >> i'm looking forward, man. i'm going to have fun. i'm going to have fun on that stage. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: have you been on tour, have you been traveling? >> yeah, we are touring right now. this weekend coming up, we're in colorado. so we're touring, getting everything together. and it's great. you know, a lot -- i'm doing a lot of freefalling. that's what richard did. >> jimmy: richard pryor? >> he would freefall. >> jimmy: what does that mean? >> that means whatever's inside is going to come out when you're on stage. let go and let god. [ applause ] let go and let god. i'm funny. any one of y'all could do comedy, but everybody ain't funny. [ laughter ] from hollywood -- ll cool jay said, from harlem to hollywood, but is he good?

i want to be good for y'all all the time. >> jimmy: you are very good. [ cheers and applause ] you are one of the best. >> i love you, man. >> jimmy: tracy morgan, everybody. we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: what a night. thanks to david letterman, thanks to tracy morgan. i love you dearly. you can see tracy at the new york comedy festival on november 12th. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time. do you have any thoughts on matt damon? >> uh -- he's good. >> jimmy: oh. >> he still owe me money, though. >> jimmy: oh, he does? yeah, that sounds right. tomorrow night, mila kunis and ramy youssef with music from future. "nightline" is next. thanks for watching, good night! [ cheers and applause ]

♪ this is "nightline." >> tonight, "that '70s show" star danny masterson on trial. >> how are you feeling about the trial? >> accused of rape. charges that could land him in prison for decades. a lifelong member of the church of scientology now accused of sexually assaulting three former members. >> my job as his girlfriend was to give myself to him whenever he wanted. i cannot say no. i lay there and take it. >> why the women say they were initially hesitant to go to law enforcement. and how the prosecution is bringing scientology into the trial. >> this morning with the opening statements, it was all about scientology.