jimmy kimmel. >> have a great night everyone. >> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- gwyneth paltrow, and patton oswalt, with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everybody. fire! thank you very much. thank you very much. welcome to our annual costume party.

i am smoky bear. happy halloween. i do want to tell you, sit, relax. it's not smokey the bear, it's smoky bear. i found out there's no "the" in the name. which i have to say shook me to the core. for 50 years, i've been saying "smokey the bear." this is like finding out it's "cedric entertainer." [ laughter ] this year, we are all dressed up as bears. why, i have no idea. [ laughter ] our announcer lou is yogi bear. what's up, yogi? >> lou: hey, jimmy! >> jimmy: our band, cletones, are care bears. jeff is -- what are you, jeff in cheer bear. kaveh is bedtime bear. jonathan is share bear. toshi is goodluck bear. cleto? >> funshine. >> jimmy: funshine bear. cleto? >> cleto: tenderheart bear. >> jimmy: he's got a tender heart. guillermo? oh, guillermo. [ cheers and applause ] >> guillermo: hi, everybody!

yeah! >> jimmy: of course, snuggle the fabric softener bear. remember snuggle the bear? do you remember snuggle bear from the commercials? >> guillermo: yes, jimmy, of course, from the commercials. >> jimmy: snugglebear was big. in kaels you're too young to have seen snuggles or you don't remember, this is the bear that captured america's hearts and laundry in the year 1986. >> once upon a time, fabric softeners cost a lot. but now there's new snuggle fabric softener. >> hi, i'm snuggles. snugly softness that's really less expensive. look, i can tell it's fluffy. blankets, cuddly. even shirts caked with blood. if there's an accident, you know what else is soft. human flesh. [ laughter ] savory flesh. wait -- where is your baby?

[ laughter ] shh, baby's sleeping. in snugly softness. so innocent. so defenseless. [ laughter ] the perfect size for a sacrifice. shh! time to meet your snugly death. when the dryer's going, they'll never hear you scream. [ laughter ] the dark lord shall be pleased with me. snuggle brand fabric softener, proudly made -- >> in hell! >> it's to die for. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very cute, guillermo. >> guillermo: thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: snuggles is in a supermax in indiana now. 40 years to life. [laughter ] halloween in hollywood is interesting because it's not the slightest bit different from any other night here.

people in costume, drunk, high, carrying bags asking for stuff. [ laughter ] my wife and i got an 8-year-old vampire and a 5-year-old skeleton ready for school this morning. our daughter went as a vampire, and she wanted us to paint her face white but we didn't have any white makeup, so we looked up how to make white makeup. this is what we did this morning. it's flour, water, vegetable oil, corn starch. but we didn't have any corn starch. they're telling us to slather pancake batter on her face. [ laughter ] so we're running around looking for zinc like the lifeguards use. i considered day opec date. finally she said, "forget it, i'll go with no makeup. you two losers get it together for your next kid." [ laughter ] and now, we still have to trick or treat. >> guillermo: yes, jimmy, yes. >> jimmy: halloween for parents is like a 24-hour shift at a

coal mine. our kids' school is smart. they decided no school tomorrow. they were like "you want to stuff 'em full of pixy sticks and keep them up until ten o'clock? great, you deal with them." [ laughter ] i don't know if you saw this. grant williams of the boston celtics got in the halloween spirit. he showed up for his post-game interview last night in character as the batman. >> best part about this team, we take care of each other. [ using batman voice ] defensively, that's all we can accomplish. >> what the [ bleep ] are you doing? >> jimmy: i admire his commitment. this is good too. i think this wins the award this year for least appropriate halloween decoration. >> run away. this is your nightmare. ha ha ha! ha ha ha! >> jimmy: yeah, that's right. look out, ted cruz. there's a new masturbating clown in town! [ laughter and applause ]

you might want to guess, maybe. do you know what the most popular candy in the united states is? according to candystore.com, the most-loved candy in the u.s. is, drumroll please, reese's peanut butter cups. number one. [ cheers and applause ] followed by skittles and m&ms. that's a solid top three. they even put together a map that highlights the top candy in each state. i feel like you could tell a bunch of russians this what america looks like from space . [ laughter ] but it's interesting. in louisiana, the most popular candy is lemonheads. which is fine, but favorite? that's like saying arby's is your favorite steakhouse. [ laughter ] doesn't make sense. the tootsie pop is the number one candy in four states. new jersey, utah, washington, and tennessee. i actually find this encouraging. it proves red states and blue states can agree on something. for example, we love reese's peanut butter cups here in california just as much as they do in kentucky. massachusetts and nebraska are into sour patch kids.

vermont and iowa both love m&ms. and all 50 of our states couldn't care less about smarties. [ laughter ] [ applause ] on the other end of the candy spectrum, they ranked the top ten worst for trick or treat. worst candy, number one, is circus peanuts. i'm going to say something controversial. i love circus peanuts. [ laughter ] i do. i love them. it's like a witch turned a little banana into a chewy meringue. i should say i love the first two circus peanuts out of the bag. the first two are delicious. the third one is kind of a question mark. fourth circus peanut, i would rather eat my sister's dog. [ laughter ] number two worst candy is candy corn. i also like candy corn. number three is peanut butter kisses, which sounds like a sex thing, i haven't had those. [ laughter ] the number four worst candy is necco wafers, love those too. the chocolate neccos. the other ones are like sucking on tums with baby powder dusted

on them. so i disagree with a lot of the list. honestly, i don't care what the list says. candy is fruit.worst halloween - if you give a kid an apple, you deserve the black eye you get when they throw it back. [ laughter and applause ] moving on to politics while dressed as a bear -- in the state of georgia, the race for senate is neck and neck. herschel walker has been traveling around kisses babies, making babies. you name it, he does it. [ laughter ] president obama got involved over the weekend, campaining for walker's opponent, raphael warnock. obama said he wouldn't want herschel walker to be senator for the same reason he wouldn't want herschel walker to fly a plane. and it would seem herschel never learned the definition of the word "metaphor" when he was studying up for football school. >> did obama mention that when he was talking about herschel flying a plane? i don't want to fly a plane, i'm not a pilot, i'm a football player, i'm a politician, i'm a lover, i love everybody.

>> jimmy: well, that's what the dna tests are saying for sure. [ laughter ] shockingly, even with all the revelations of forgotten children, secret abortions, the race in georgia, according to the polls, anyway, has tightened in recent weeks. and this weekend herschel walker picked up a major endorsement from kanye west, who posted a photo of herschel with the caption "pro-life." a better caption would have been "pro zac." [ laughter ] i didn't know kanye had any endorsements left to give. [ laughter ] kanye endorsing herschel walker is like crystal meth endorsing lead paint. [ laughter ] ye-dolph has been losing friends, losing business associates, losing money as a result of his anti-semitic remarks. but don't worry, he still has a lot of wildly offensive things to say about people of other races too. >> when i said that, and i -- and i questioned the death of george floyd, it hurt my people. it hurt the black people. so i want to apologize to hurting them. because right now, god has shown

me by what adidas is doing and by what -- by what the media is doing, i know how it feels to have a knee on my neck now. [ audience moaning ] >> jimmy: no. no, you don't. i think he may be tri-polar. is that a thing? [ laughter ] is there another step beyond bi? many have suggested that it is possible that kanye is off his meds, but it turns out he was never on them. and you'll never guess why not. >> the thing about the red hat that drove me to a point of exhaustion which was misdiagnosed by a -- i'm not going to say what race, what people -- doctor. and what hospital. and what media i went to. we know i can't say that. it was a jewish doctor. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thank you for letting us know. the suspense was really killing me. [ laughter ] i don't know, maybe he was going to say amish, i don't know. [ laughter ] in other lunatic billionaire news, elon musk is the new owner of twitter.

and in the first 12 hours after he took over, promising free, unadulterated speech, use of the "n" word went up almost 500%. so mission accomplished, elon. then the new troll in charge did a very sick thing. this is the owner of twitter. he posted a story from a garbage fake news website insinuating that nancy pelosi's husband, who you may have heard was viciously beaten with a hammer during a home invasion this weekend, may have been up to sexual shenanigans. he wrote "there is a tiny possibility there might be more to this story than meets the eye." which is such a vile and disgusting thing to do. an 82-year-old man was assaulted by a lunatic with a hammer. he went to the hospital with a fractured skull. and these scumbags, their first instinct is to try to smear him. i was even surprised at donald trump jr., who tweeted a photo that says "got my paul pelosi halloween costume ready." [ audience moans ] while the man is in the hospital

he tweets -- what is wrong with these people? by the way, i have my donald trump jr. costume ready. it's hair gel, a bag of white powder and a penis pump. [ cheers and applause ] put that on, you chinless wart on your father's nut sac. [ laughter ] these are the "christians," the family values gang. the other big online controversy right now is centered on the return of our annual halloween candy youtube challenge. last week, i announced that due to popular demand, we would be inviting parents to pretend they ate their kids' candy again. and our instagram was ablaze with comments. it's funny to see how far apart people are on this. one person says, "i don't know what's wrong with me. i just do not think this is funny." and another replied, "i don't know what's wrong with you either." [ laughter ] we have, "i love jimmy, but this is child abuse. not funny at all!" followed by, "this is sooooo savage, yet hilarious." [ laughter ] "is it just me or is kids being tormented just not funny?" tormented?

about halloween candy? i don't know. "this is just mean." "i only wish i had a child to steal from." [ laughter ] and i know some people think it's wrong or mean or whatever, but here's how i look at it. after halloween, do you not sneak into your kids' trick or treat bag and at least eat a well then, you're just being honest when you tell them you ate it, okay? and not all the kids scream and yell. some of them show real maturity. >> i ate all your halloween candy. >> i'm advery disappointed in y, mom. [ laughter ] >> i'm sorry, i love you. >> i love you too, but i'm very disappointed. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and the all-time classic from 2011, the greatest "i ate your candy" video of all-time. >> i ate all your candy, you have no more halloween candy left. >> what? >> who ate it? >> the heck? >> mom!

>> did you see how much i had? i went to a lot of houses. >> i know. i ate it all. it tasted so good. especially the peanut butter cups.p>> ah! you sneaky mom! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: so to all you sneaky moms and dads, this is your final call to action. pretend you ate your kids' candy tomorrow. not some of it, all of it. record a video and upload it to youtube with the message, "hey jimmy kimmel, i told my kids i ate their halloween candy." be on the lookout for a message from us on your youtube account. no one checks those but you have to. it's how we get in touch with you. we'll put the best ones on the show. we have a great show for you tonight. patton oswalt is here. and we'll be back with gwyneth paltrow. so stick around!

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi there, welcome back. tonight, a very funny man. his netflix special is called "we all scream." patton oswalt is with us. [ cheers and applause ] we have new shows all this week with our guests including nick kroll, mindy kaling, yvonne strahovski, frank grillo, rob mcelhenney. we will have music from the heavy heavy, goose and viagra boys and more. everybody's all excited about goose, did you hear that? >> guillermo: everybody love goose, jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: have you ever heard of goose before this very moment? >> guillermo: no, jimmy. >> jimmy: you have not. [ laughter ] >> guillermo: i have no idea who

they are. >> jimmy: that's the thing about snuggle, he's very honest when you press him. our first guest dresses up as other people for a living. she also commands a lifestyle empire that sets the standard when it comes to both vitamins and vibrators. the goop annual holiday guide is out now. please welcome gwyneth paltrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome, welcome. see, you did it right. you didn't go for the head. tell everybody what you are because it's kind of adorable. >> i am gwinnie the pooh. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you doing? how's everything?

>> everything's great. >> jimmy: what would you have been doing had you not been here tonight? >> i would have been just home. >> jimmy: do you answer the door for kids? >> we live in kind of an inhospitable trick-or-treating area. >> jimmy: the moat. [ laughter ] >> no -- >> jimmy: no moat? >> on a hill in a busy corner. when my kids were little we used to go into other neighborhoods to trick or treat and leave candy at the door. >> jimmy: we don't get many trick-or-treaters either. we're on a hill, the kids don't want it enough, they don't want to trudge up the hill. we roll the candy down the street. [ laughter ] they stand at the end and they get it. you have to go for round stuff like milk duds but it's worth it in the end. >> individual milk duds you're rolling down the hill? >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, is that not right, is that not the goop way? [ laughter ] >> i mean, i don't -- >> jimmy: one of your kids is in college now? >> yes. >> jimmy: yeah, that's kind of -- >> i'm thrilled for her. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: are you thrilled?

oh, yeah, that's tough. it's funny, they drive you crazy, then they leave. >> yeah, it's very different. very different vibes without her in the house. >> jimmy: did you let them eat candy? or a healthy house? >> i definitely let them eat candy, for sure, for sure. i mean, i tried not to stock a lot of candy, but on halloween, i've let them go hog wild. >> jimmy: you did name one of your kids apple. [ laughter ] i thought maybe, you know -- maybe that wasn't allowed in the house. but that's good. you can't, because then they go wild. we were not allowed to have sugary breakfast cereal, and every time we'd go to my grandmother's house, i'd polish off a whole box of frankenberry. [ laughter ] >> lucky charms for me. we weren't allowed any sugared cereal at home. >> jimmy: lucky charms, i don't know. there's nothing i would want more than a bowl of lucky charms. >> it's pretty delicious. >> jimmy: i'm surprised people don't hand out cereal on halloween. [ laughter ] that would be a good thing. >> individual mushroom -- i

mean, marshmallows from the lucky charms. >> jimmy: or mushrooms. [ laughter ] fox news has been warning us about the mushrooms. >> you know where my head's at this halloween. >> jimmy: what's your favorite candy? your own personal favorite? >> i have a weird one. don't make fun of me. >> jimmy: okay. >> okay. my favorite candy is good n plenty. >> jimmy: wow, the worst one. [ laughter ] >> see? >> jimmy: good n plenty? >> i love them. >> jimmy: you do? you're the one? >> i'm the one. [ laughter ] i think it's the best candy in the world. >> jimmy: you do? >> yes. >> jimmy: wow. >> does anyone like black licorice? [ applause ] >> that's my person right there! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's a smattering at best, really. [ laughter ] good n plenty. oh, what number was good n plenty on the list? oh, number ten, yeah. >> wait, this is not nice at all. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't know, i just realized you can't see my eyes

at all in this stupid outfit i'm wearing here. >> but you probably smell really good. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. [ laughter ] i smell like a bear. when you were a kid, did you -- i assume you dressed up? >> right. >> jimmy: for halloween? >> yes. >> jimmy: what were your go-to costumes? >> my best friend mary -- we're still best friends, since we were 4. and we always did a costume together. >> jimmy: oh. >> one year we were a two-headed monster. we got an extra-large men's sweat suit. and i was in one leg, she was in the other. >> jimmy: nice. >> and then one year we were hubba bubba and bubba licious. >> jimmy: really? >> you made the costumes yourself? >> yes, we had a great time. >> jimmy: your parents both being in the movie business -- >> they didn't help me at all. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they did not help? you were in santa monica? >> yes. >> jimmy: you would go -- would you be with other celebrity

kids? knocking on jack nicholson's door or whatever? >> at schwarzenegger used to live on our street. he would knock on his door for candy. >> jimmy: would he give out cigars? [ laughter ] i bet he gave out great stuff, huh? >> i don't remember him giving out stuff. but he's austrian, so maybe they don't celebrate there. >> jimmy: oh, wow. that's very surprising to me. >> we did end up tp'ing his house, though. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you did? does he know this? >> don't tell him. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you toilet papered arnold schwarzenegger's house? >> we did. >> jimmy: what was the impetus? >> just being naughty kids. >> jimmy: because he was famous or doing it to the neighbors in general? >> we did it, unfortunately, to a few houses. >> jimmy: you did, yeah. >> but he was our pride and joy. >> jimmy: sure. yeah, you tell everybody, "we got the terminator's house!" [ laughter ] wow. sounds like you have some making up to do. >> i do, i do. >> jimmy: you turned 50 last month, right?

>> i did. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: happy birthday to you. >> feels good. >> jimmy: this would have been a good halloween costume too, by the way. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: you look great. is that real paint? or is that photoshopped? >> no, real paint. >> jimmy: they painted your whole body up. who did this job? >> my team at goop. they wanted me to celebrate turning 50 with a naked-ish pph >> jimmy: how did they pitch this idea to you? [ laughter ] >> yeah, exactly. >> jimmy: i think that's an hr violation for them to even suggest this. [ laughter ] >> i agree. yeah. i agree. well, they just sort of said, you know, "this would be great." "it's your 50th birthday, 50's the golden jubilee, we want to paint you gold." i capitulated. then -- yeah. i said, "okay, guys, this is the last naked photo shoot, that's it, i'm done."

>> jimmy: the last naked photo shoot, sounds s like a movie. [ laughter ] it came out great, i'm sure you're happy -- >> put that down, for god's sakes. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, sorry, i got distracted for a minute. >> oh, god. >> jimmy: your team suggested this. okay, i'm going to go along with it? >> yeah. >> jimmy: is it a spray type of thing? >> no, it was a spongy type of thing. >> jimmy: a spongy -- you must really be comfortable with the people who do that. i mean -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: these must be very good friends. >> i mean, no, not really, no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: strangers? >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, what a weird thing that is. >> yeah. >> jimmy: most people don't experience that in their lives. >> no, definitely not. do you remember these? here's all the bits. >> jimmy: yes, well, all right. we're going to take a break. when we come back, a few questions to ask you. i also want to tell you something i did that i think you're going to be very proud of me for. >> oh! >> jimmy: gwyneth paltrow is here. "the goop holiday gift guide" is

out now. we'll be right back. >> lou: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by "wordle the party game," available now at major retailers and online at wordlethepartygame.com. wakanda showed us all that nothing is impossible. so how will you share your brilliance with the world? keep forging your own path. and keep shining for everyone to see. after all, you never know where you'll find inspiration, to bring the next great idea to life. see marvel studios' black panther: wakanda forever in theaters november 11th. i'm on a mission to talk to people about getting screened for colon cancer, and hear their reasons why. i screen for my son. i'm his biggest fan. if you're 45 or older at average risk, you have screening options, like cologuard. cologuard is noninvasive and finds 92% of colon cancers. it's not for those at high risk. false positive and negative results may occur.

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: my, there. we are back with gwinnie the pooh, gwyneth paltrow. patton oswalt is wandering around dressed as a bear

backstage. we'll see him in a few minutes. midnight tonight "goop holiday gift guide" comes out. i've been a longtime -- goopster? >> gooper? >> jimmy: you need to come up with a name. actually, fans, it's our responsibility to come up with a name. what i did this last christmas is -- because i have all the writers from the show over to the house for a little holiday party every year, right? and every year there's -- i give out gifts to everybody. so this year, all the gifts i bought on goop. >> oh. >> jimmy: i bought 20-something gifts. >> oh my gosh. >> jimmy: then i wrapped them mysteriously with just numbers on them. then everybody took a number, and they got whatever was in the box. so one of our writers, josh, got the candle smells like my vagina candle. [ laughter ] our announcer lou, what did you get? >> lou: i got a beautiful, absolutely gorgeous vibrator. [ laughter ]

[ cheers ] >> jimmy: and has it -- i mean, you said -- from a product standpoint, how do you like it? >> lou: i can't lie, i at the time didn't realize all the things i could have used it for. i actually ended up giving it as a tip to the bartender that evening. [ laughter ] >> very nice. very nice. >> jimmy: i'm pretty sure that's ill illegal. [ laughter ] >> good to know. >> jimmy: well, he didn't keep the vibrator. >> that's okay, i'll get you a new one. >> lou: thanks, gwyneth. >> jimmy: this is something my wife has. this is a new, updated version of this item. >> oh. >> jimmy: this is -- what is this thing called? >> this is the dr. dennis gross mask. it's very, very popular on goop. >> jimmy: there's a guy named dr. dennis? >> yes. >> jimmy: he's a real doctor? >> he's a real doctor. he made this mask. and it's red and blue light, so it helps with wrinkles and breakouts. >> jimmy: okay. >> exactly. >> jimmy: i have no way of knowing whether it does help

with that stuff or doesn't help with the stuff. all i know is this. when i am getting into bed and my wife turns around -- [ laughter ] and she has this terrifying mask on -- [ laughter ] she looks at me. and i'm not joking. it startles me, it has scared me no less than 50 times. [ laughter ] >> gets you ever retime. >> jimmy: is dr. dennis some kind of weird satisfied dough masochistic -- i don't know. >> i think he's just a dermatologist. >> jimmy: same thing, same thing, really. now there's a pink -- it's like one of the power rangers. [ laughter ] i think i've invented a new character here. so when you have stuff on your gift guide, and you're looking for stuff to buy people for christmas this year, do you go on your own gift guide and get them stuff? >> i do, i do, absolutely. our team starts working on this gift guide in june. so it's like six months of

finding all these amazing things that we sell, but also link to, so it could be an amazing experience or a food thing or something that we then buy and sell. >> jimmy: is this the same team that stripped you naked and painted you gold? [ laughter ] >> no. different team. >> jimmy: a different team, okay, all right. this is more a business-oriented team. >> the buyers and the planners do that, the merch stuff. the marketing people make me be naked. >> jimmy: ultimately i assume you decide. you have the final say on what goes in and what doesn't go in? >> well, i obviously am -- i give the team a lot of -- they really know what they're doing. yeah, sometimes i'll say, oh, we're missing this. or, this is a bit weird. >> jimmy: is there a rivalry with oprah's gift guide? do you want to get yours out before her? >> no, oprah always wins. >> jimmy: oprah always wins. >> don't ever forget, oprah is the queen. >> jimmy: do you think oprah's looking at your gift guide and

adjusting hers? [ lau [ laughter ] >> probably not. but there's room. there's lots of gift guides, right? >> jimmy: yeah, there are a lot of gift guys. have to say i look at all of them. yours is always the most entertaining for sure. >> thank you. >> jimmy: there's always one super-weird item on there. >> we do that on purpose. >> jimmy: yeah, people start start talking about it. what item are you excited about this year? you brought something along. >> i did. this i'm very excited about. we have a very amazing lip balm trio. this is one of our absolute best sellers. there's a clear one. we have two new colors coming out. >> jimmy: my 5-year-old son would love this. >> yeah? >> jimmy: a lip balm trio. this would be a stocking stuffer? or go ahead and wrap this? >> you could wrap it. it could be a stocking stuffer. maybe you just need a little -- just for the smokey the bear -- [ cheers ] >> jimmy: a little bit of balm?

>> there we go, there we go. >> jimmy: what is the difference between lip balm and lipstick? >> it has a little bit of color, just a hint. >> jimmy: okay. >> bring this home for molly. >> jimmy: or the, yeah, molly's right over there. so yeah. thank you so much for balming my lips and also for being here. celebrating on hallowee. can you evn see it? >> i can see it. i don't know if you guys can. >> jimmy: honey, i saw a bear with lip balm in hollywood! [ cheers ] gwyneth paltrow, everybody. goop.com. we'll be right back with patton oswalt! and ask your doctor about biktarvy. biktarvy is a complete, one-pill, once-a-day treatment used for h-i-v in certain adults. it's not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights h-i-v to help you get to and stay undetectable. that's when the amount of virus is so low it cannot be measured by a lab test. research shows people who take h-i-v treatment every day

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello there, welcome back. our next guest comes straight from a london train station to be with us tonight. he's a multi-talented and undeniably funny man with a new stand-up special, "we all scream" is on netflix now. please say hello to patton oswalt.

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: you look good, you look cute. tell everybody what you are in case they don't know. [ laughter ] >> i'm dressed as pattonton bear. [ laughter ] they said i had to do the accent. >> jimmy: if you want to stick with that for nine minutes, yeah, sure, we can go with that. >> nah. >> jimmy: to heck with the accent.psta stand.

>> stand up again. look how they put pecs and abs on him. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, but smokey, he's ripped, it's weird. >> that is true. >> jimmy: he's a weird sexual bear. [ laughter ] i said, that's what i want to be, a weird sexual bear. maybe we'll go mauling after the show. >> yeah. >> jimmy: scoop some salmon out of a river or whatever. >> hook up with rich ghosts at the overlook hotel after this, anyone? >> jimmy: what are you doing after? going trick-or-treating with your daughter? >> my daughter is now 13. which means she's hit the age where she wants to -- i can't believe i'm telling stories in this frigging costume. [ laughter ] all right. i'm trying to gesture that i've got four -- [ laughter ] you know, the thing about being a dad, jimmy, it's kind of interesting. [ laughter ] i've always thought this. how come gwyneth gets to come

out with the conceptual, deconstructed, alinnia restaurant winnie-the-pooh? then your producers are like, "it's got to be exact" -- i'm not a method actor. blue raincoat, little red hat, "i'm paddington." >> jimmy: she's smarter than we are, but she left lip gloss for everybody. >> see? aww. >> jimmy: herman muenster vibe going. >> a little dwoth thing going on. >> jimmy: i like it. we'll get this on later. >> literally the swamp-ass going on right now is epic. >> jimmy: i wish that was a joke. >> it really is. no, my daughter is going to go trick-or-treating with her friends. she's dressed as lydia from "beetlejuice." >> jimmy: oh, okay. >> yes. then i'm going to be handing out candy. i like handing out candy at the house. >> jimmy: you do? >> i like seeing the thanks come out, i like seeing the kids, being part of the neighborhood. that's just a thing. i think it was just like -- kind of based on -- all right, i'm

going to tell a very grim halloween memory that i have. >> jimmy: really? great, all right. >> kind of my super villain origin story. for like two years, i lived in dustin meadows, california, near irvine. daddy was a marine, we moved all over the place. it was the most epic -- they shut the street down, every house went whole hog. you dressed up, amazing candy, fantastic. my dad then got reassigned to virginia. i had to move to virginia. the day we moved, we moved on halloween. >> jimmy: wow. >> well, no. because i -- we left for the airport at 5:00. so i'm sitting in the back of my parents' hatchback next to my brother, watching all my friends emerge onto the street in their costumes to go trick-or-treating as the sun's going down. and i'm being pulled away from it, backwards. i'm just sitting there like, you people will pay!

all of you! how dare you! and then i moved to virginia. and i got fat and cynical. [ laughter ] that was what set me on the path. i always have this weird, i want to be out there handing out -- so kids, when you're at the house and i'm out there, just know that i'm trying to mend a broken heart and stop from destroying the planet! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i mean, if you're going to exact revenge, that seems like a very positive -- handing o ing out malomars seem way to do it. >> i have a plastic cauldron. yes, i have the fun -- the fun size ones? wait a minute. [ laughter ] god dang it. i have the -- fun sized ones? >> jimmy: those are called bear quotes. >> oh, jimmy. [ rim shot ] >> jimmy: thanks, everybody. it's hot in the costume. >> yeah exactly.

i'm "bearly" getting through this. [ rim shot ] >> jimmy: the care bares aren't as quick with the drums either, yeah. >> no. what i do, i don't go "here's your one." you can get -- grab whatever you want. >> jimmy: you let them do it? >> they do it. but it teaches them, hey, you've got to -- >> jimmy: i have mixed feelings about that, i'll tell you why. you're rewarding the aggressive kids. if i was there, i would take one little thing and whatever. but then, you know, the oofs will come, yeah, yeah! you're teaching them a bad lesson, i think. >> i think you're teaching them that it's a jungle out there, you either get strong or die. [ laughter ] [ cheers ] >> jimmy: well, there's some wisdom to that also. >> yeah, yeah. so -- ugh. >> jimmy: will you be handing out your new comic book? i know you've got a new comic book. which i would imagine is a dream come true for you, right?

>> it's a bear holding my comic book. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this bear can read. >> a comic from "dark horse" called "minor threats." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: these are our villains? >> yes. that's issue 1. issue 3 comes out november 9th. >> jimmy: i have issue 3. >> there's issue 3! >> jimmy: there's issue 3. >> yeah. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: the characters have turned into babies? >> well, yeah. it's about a group of super low-level working-class super villains that have to take down a major a-level super villain to get credit with the superheroes. maybe we'll get some credit in the favor bank if we take this guy down and turn him in. >> jimmy: that's fine. >> he's making high pressure lives miserable. >> jimmy: you've got your big netflix comedy special "we all scream," as in for ice cream. [ cheers ] not in a halloween, scary way. >> halloween -- scary movies don't freak me out. the one thing that does freak me out, the two things i will not have in the house --

>> jimmy: what? >> cursed objects, and ouija boards. i don't like them. >> jimmy: okay, let me quickly start -- are there cursed -- like what would be a cursed object? >> oh my god, like -- i know a podcaster, roz hernandez. she has a podcast called "ghosted." apparently people are on ebay selling haunted doll, haunted mirror, cursed belt -- there's a cursed haunted version -- >> jimmy: a cursed belt? >> the person that wore this died in it, now that i own it weird stuff's happening in the house. people collect cursed objects. i don't know why. look, i don't -- i've never encountered the supernatural, and i think one of the reasons is i have never used a ouija board, i won't let one near me, because it's a portal to the netherworld and invites demons in. i won't let it happen! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: can i tell you something? i don't believe in any of that stuff, but i feel the same way about ouija boards.

>> by the way, "oh, it's a fun board game." you can accidentally invent a fun board game that invites demonic presences into your life. it happens. it could. >> jimmy: it could. >> yeah. >> jimmy: let it's made by hasbro. they also make scrabble. how demonic could it be? >> what if you combined a ouija board with a scrabble game? >> jimmy: oh my goodness. >> but you only spell out demons' names. [ laughter ] if you get a triple word score, that summons the demon. >> jimmy: wait, beelzebub would be a lot of points. >> "z" is 10. >> jimmy: yeah, 10. "u" is 4. >> our daughter went to a halloween party, my wife, meredith -- where is she? >> jimmy: she's right there. >> there she is, there she is. [ applause ] that's her favorite costume. dirty cinderella. cinderella with the soot and coal on her. when she goes "i'm going as

dirty cinderella." everybody is like, oooh! no, working-dallas cinderella. [ laughter ] they got a ouija board last year, i wouldn't let them bring it into the house. my daughter brought it to a party. i'm not going to lecture her against the evils of drugs, as hard as i lectured her against, "do not put your hands on the planchette, let your friends move it around, i don't want a demonic presence jumping into you and you bring it back into the house." >> jimmy: that's very good parenting advice. >> thank you. >> jimmy: thank you, patton. it's great to see you. congratulations. you won the grand jury prize at sou south x southwest. >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: patton oswalt. his netflix special is "we all scream." we'll be right back.

i see it in my office all the time. kids getting hooked on flavored tobacco, including e-cigarettes. big tobacco lures them in with flavors like lemon drop and bubble gum, candy flavors that get them addicted to tobacco products, and can lead to serious health consequences, even harming their brain development. that's why pediatricians urge you to vote yes on prop 31. it stops the sale of dangerous flavored tobacco

and helps protect kids from nicotine addiction. please vote yes on 31. vote yes on prop 31. >> jimmy: thanks to gwyneth paltrow and patton oswalt. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. how are you feeling? >> guillermo: very hot. >> jimmy: are you going trick or treating? >> guillermo: yes, jimmy, yes.

>> jimmy: are you going to wear the outfit? >> guillermo: no, it's too hot. >> jimmy: too hot. sorry, kids. thank you for watching and hapay halloween. this is "nightline." >> tonight, hammer attack charges. zip ties, ropes. chilling new details about the assault of house speaker nancy pelosi's husband. the suspect now charged with multiple federal and state crimes, including attempted murder. plus delphi murders. a stunning arrest in the killing of two young girls. >> the eyes of america were on this, because it's every single small town in america. >> the suspect nobody imagined allegedly hiding in plain sight for nearly six years. >> how could he stay under the radar? >> families of the victims fighting for justice. >> how can somebody do that then just go on living life? i don't understand. >> the unanswered questions