>> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, michelle obama, and marc maron, with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you? welcome, welcome. how you doing? thank you. i appreciate it. i'm glad you're excited. i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thank you for watching. thank you for coming and for joining us. we have a very special guest tonight. the former first lady of these united states, michelle obama. [ cheers and applause ] she heard some of you haven't

been eating your vegetables, and she's pissed. [ laughter ] this is mrs. obama's fourth time on the show. and i have to say, it feels nice to get patted down by secret service again. doesn't it? >> guillermo: yeah, it feels good. >> jimmy: where did you hide your weed when they checked you out? [ laughter ] >> guillermo: i left it in the car. >> jimmy: did you really? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: last night -- it's very festive in washington, d.c. right now. cbs aired the national tree lighting special from the white house last night. and we also learned that the official white house holiday ornament is for sale. this is a gingerbread white house ornament. it's $24.95. i find it refreshing to see a white house encouraging people to hang something other than the vice president. [ laughter ] that ornament is a tribute to pat nixon, who started a tradition of gingerbread houses at the white house. i find it refreshing to see a white house encouraging people e vice president. [ laughter ] that ornament is a tribute to pat nixon, who started a tradition of gingerbread houses at the white house.

here is the former first lady with the first national gingerbread house in 1969. they had candy canes on the balcony and wiretaps in the chimney. [ laughter ] the whole mix. since the nixons, the tradition continued. this is nancy reagan's gingerbread house, ironically iced entirely with cocaine. [ laughter ] after nancy reagan, there was barbara bush. i think she modeled her hair on that chef hat she is gazing at so adoringly. [ laughter ] hillary clinton's gingerbread house featured, you can see what appear to be separate bedrooms, for her and bill. [ laughter ] right? then laura bush showed off a white house gingerbread house, which was so huge, her husband actually walked in and got stuck in it for a while. [ laughter ] that was followed by michelle obama, who no gingerbread was

used in this house. that's all kale. 100%. [ laughter ] and then who can forget melania trump's gingerbread house. we have that? yeah, there you go. [ laughter ] you know, in slovenia, a shoe on your roof means good luck. [ laughter ] meanwhile, her husband, donald, is still upset he got called out for having dinner with kanye and his white supremacist friend after a right-wing jewish commentator embarrassed himself by defending trump. orange julius caesar wrote: "thank you wayne, you are great but how quickly jewish leaders forgot that i was the best, by far, president for israel. they should be ashamed of themselves. this lack of loyalty to their greatest friends and allies is why large numbers in congress, and so many others, have stopped giving support to israel." his response to being criticized for having dinner with known anti-semites is to blame jewish people for a lack of loyalty. the only thing that could make that statement more anti-semitic is if he used the sharpie he wrote it with to draw a little mustache on his lip first. [ laughter ] and not only that, this is the most disloyal person on the planet. he throws everyone under the bus. trump calling jewish people

disloyal is like nick cannon telling mexico to slow down on all the kids. [ laughter ] [ applause ] meanwhile, the new world's greatest boss elon musk announced that his twitter will soon increase their character limit from 280 characters to 4,000. and will be changing the name of the company to facebook as well. [ laughter ] elon musk seems to be intent on filling the troll hole vacated by donald trump. yesterday, he wrote, "my pronouns are prosecute and fauci." which, on top of being small-minded, lowest-common denominator garbage, and spreading false and dangerous conspiracy theories against a doctor who works for our good, is also just a terrible joke. it's like a joke generated by a.i. it doesn't make any sense. the structure is wrong, it doesn't rhyme with anything relevant, there are too many syllables. it's exactly the kind of joke you would expect from a guy who named his son after the bottom row of an eye chart. [ laughter ] for some reason, some people like it. this weekend, a young guy came up to me, nice guy, he said "you got no love for elon, bro?" and i was like -- i said, "no, i don't, but it's not just elon specifically." i have a problem with any richest man in the world who

comes to this country to casually slander a doctor who devoted his entire adult life to protecting our children from hiv and covid and zika and swine flu and ebola disease while you're off playing grabass with trump and firing rockets into space to prove your penis works. [ cheers and applause ] it's just a general -- it's not specific. so the answer is, as long as he's attacking and spreading lies about decent americans who've been doing his best to protect the world since before this vomit casserole was born, i got no love for elon, bro. okay? [ cheers and applause ] and then we have the great genius marjorie taylor greene, who received the prestigious richard nixon award at the young republican club gala in new york. she gave quite the acceptance speech. the queen of karens is still fuming about the implication that she may have helped the insurrectionists on january 6th. >> i come to washington. i swear in on january 3rd. i'm accused of giving insurrection tours, which i thought was hilarious because i couldn't even find the bathroom in the capitol.

>> jimmy: yeah, for the first six months she was pooping in a box under her desk. [ laughter ] >> then january 6th happens. next thing you know, i organize on the the whole thing along with steve bannon here. i got to tell you something, if steve bannon and i had organized that, we would have won. woo! >> jimmy: woo? if i had been in charge of invading my own office, mike pence wouldn't just look like a ghost, he'd be one! woo! and just in case that didn't give you an insurrection, young republicans, how about this? >> now that he's full, we're learning that teachers can pass around dildos, butt plugs, and lube. by the way, you can pick up a butt plug or dildo at target and cvs nowadays. >> jimmy: sounds like somebody's giving her secret santa a hint! [ laughter ] [ applause ] i always wonder where these nonproblems they get worked up

about, where they get them from. well, turns out, as is often the case, it was a topic tackled by the always-vigilant crew at the tucker carlson show. >> a producer for tucker carlson tonight happened to notice that cvs is now selling sex toys, and they appear to be a relative bargain. there is a tush cush for $11.90. the accompanying lotion that ges with it will set you back an additional $11.97. if you have the cash, in the middle the buzzy butt will runs you $32.50. just wanted you to know. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he's not just a buzzy butt spokesman, he's also a customer. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] really amazing. we just witnessed a dildo reporting on another dildo. i never thought i'd see the day. [ laughter ] this is -- okay, give me this. anyway. we sent out our christmas cards over the weekend. our daughter jane and son billy, my wife captured the one moment that day they weren't pinching each other. and then my job was to make the card.

i went on one of those websites where you use the template. but apparently, even though i used the proofreader they provide, i forgot to delete the sample family name. it's very hard to see on the front -- maybe you can see that. the hartfords is what it says. [ laughter ] so merry christmas from the hartfords. we mailed them all out now and it's too late. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you know, there is very little time left before christmas. santa has his hands very full so guillermo and i have been pitching in. we sat down with kids to help st. nick figure out who has been naughty and who's been nice. ♪ >> jimmy: hello there. thank you. you want to have a seat right there? what is your name? >> ellis. >> jimmy: ellis, how old are you? >> 5 1/2. >> jimmy: 5 1/2. are you excited about christmas? >> yes. >> jimmy: very excited. is it your favorite holiday? >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: have you been good this year?

how good have you been? >> i've been very good. >> jimmy: super good? >> uh-huh. ryan was trying to make me bad, but i distract him. >> jimmy: who is ryan? >> oh, he doesn't listen. >> jimmy: okay. tell me about him. because we need know about all the good little boys and girls, but we also need to know about the bad little boys and girls. is ryan a bad boy? >> he doesn't listen. >> jimmy: oh, he doesn't listen. who doesn't he listen to? >> he doesn't listen to miss beck. and he even says he was running to me but i wasn't. he was lying. he is a big liar. >> jimmy: he is a liar? >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: you ever call him "ryer the liar?" lyin' ryan? >> when aidan put his -- i called him ellis. >> jimmy: who is aidan? >> he doesn't listen too. >> jimmy: okay. so aidan doesn't listen either. ryan doesn't listen. aidan doesn't listen. who else doesn't listen?

>> dylan. >> jimmy: dylan. anybody else i should put on the naughty list? >> valentina doesn't listen. >> jimmy: valentina, all right. >> that's a big one. >> jimmy: so now should any of these kids ryan, aidan, dylan, valentina, should any of them get presents for christmas this year? >> well, they don't listen, but one day they will. >> jimmy: do you always listen? >> i do. but ryan says i don't. >> jimmy: ryan says you don't. it sounds like you and ryan really have a problem, huh? >> i told mrs. beck, and he says "ryan, no." >> jimmy: you know, this reminds me of a show called "cheers." you ever see "cheers"? >> no. >> jimmy: sam and diane, you know who they are? ted danson? >> i don't know. >> jimmy: shelly long? don't know them. okay.

anyway, sam and diane on "cheers" were always at each other's throats. they really didn't get along. but then as the seasons went on, it turned out they fell in love. and it turned out that they were kind of meant to be together. of course, then years later they broke up. fraser came in, dated diane. shelly long quit the show. was replaced by rebecca on the show, who was played by kirstie alley. >> oh. i didn't know that. >> jimmy: so do you think maybe it's possible ryan is in love with you and that's why you're bickering so much? >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you do. would you mind taking a little survey, customer satisfaction wise? it's important to our boss. >> well, i haven't been -- i haven't practiced to juggle yet. >> jimmy: well, all you have to do is answer these questions. are you ready? >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: how satisfied are you with your visit with us, the two of us, a, very satisfied, somewhat satisfied, or not

satisfied. >> i'm not satisfied. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you're not. i'm sorry to hear that. how likely would you be to recommend visiting us to other kids? very likely, very likely, or very likely? >> very likely. >> jimmy: very likely? [ laughter ] and finally, were you satisfied with the gifts you received? oh, we haven't given you the gifts yet. oh, let's give you something. oh, here we go. that's for you. that's mike pence's new autobiography, "so help me god." [ laughter ] >> well, i like my own books, my books that has children's stuff. i like children's stuff. >> jimmy: well, he has children. [ laughter ] are you satisfied with the book? are you very satisfied, really satisfied, or not at all satisfied? >> i'm not satisfied at all. >> jimmy: you're not at all satisfied with the book. [ laughter ] okay. all right. well, you know what? it's good for us to know. it's great information. thank you so much. you can keep that book. and hopefully once you read it, you will be satisfied. okay?

>> okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. thank you very much. >> guillermo: good job. >> jimmy: we'll tell santa claus that you're a very good listener, okay? >> okay. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a great show for you tonight. marc maron is with us. and we'll be right back with the former first lady michele obama, so stick around. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ go! go! go! go! go! here's the thing about wrong turns... what the heck was that?! they invite serendipity... whoa! the unimaginable... the unexpected... the unforgettable... hang on! so, embrace wrong turns. because you never know... hey... where your next wrong turn will take you. look at this... wow... toyota. let's go places. could i get the 10 piece chicken mcnuggets? wait no, big mac. hmm.

[honk] sir? i'm still here! uhhh. get one favorite like a big mac or 10 piece chicken mcnuggets and get another for just a buck, right now at mcdonald's. the target clearance run is on. and get another for just a buck, shop target stores to save up to 50% off clothing, toys, beauty, and so much more. make your target clearance run now to get low prices and great deals for everyone, only at target. i'm feeling better. body pain? headache? nope. all in one and done. cuh-congestion? better. cough? fever? better. mucinex all in one relieves 9 symptoms in 1 dose. celebrate your comeback with $5 cash back. if you think all pads are exactly the same... think again. this always ultra thin is our best yet. it wicks gushes 90% faster and absorbs even more. for up to 100% leak-free and odor-free comfort. this is triple protection from always. i'll remember that chapter of my life forever. we laughed. we cried.

we protected that progressive home & auto bundle day and night. we left our blood, sweat, and tears on that yard. well...jamie did anyway. ooh, the chewy app. clumping litter. salmon paté? we have enough to splurge on catnip toys! i feel so accomplished. pet me please! great prices. happy pets. chewy. waiting. sometimes it's just inevitable. but if you're over 50 or live with a chronic condition, untreated covid could be deadly. got covid symptoms? get tested and get treated right away. it can't wait. oh ms flores. you're the leader of many and pet wrangler, too. so becoming a student again might seem impossible. national university is here to support all of you. national university. supporting the whole you. how did kellogg's combine crunchy oat clusters with a touch of honey...

plump, juicy raisins and tasty fiber into one delicious cereal? it took a lot of bran-storming. get it? kellogg's raisin bran crunch. two scoops of delicious. who says the holidays have to be over? not me! let's keep shopping... roll that promo, maestro. ha-a-a a-ash-tag sorry not sorry. get up to 75% off clearance right now! only at old navy and oldnavy.com

♪ this rental car is so boring to drive. let's be honest. the rent-a-car industry is the definition of boring. and the reason can be found in the name itself. rent - a - car. you don't want a friend. you want the friend. you don't want a job. you want the job. the is always over a. that's why we don't offer a car. we offer the car. ♪ sixt. rent the car. ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back. tonight from the movie "to leslie," marc maron is with us. i want to mention this week because we have new shows with

top-notch guests including margot robbie, sigourney weaver, brendan fraser. with music from dawes, the white buffalo, and weezer. join us for all of that. our first guest is a former flotus and a phenomenally successful author from the south side of chicago. this is her newest number one best-seller "the light we carry: overcoming in uncertain times." please welcome michelle obama. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome. how are you? >> i'm great. how are you? >> jimmy: i'm doing great. i like it. you've got the flowers, the white lotus flower you have there. do you watch that show? >> i do, i do. but i haven't watched the finale, so please, everyone, quiet. >> jimmy: i won't say anything at all. i hate to jump right into it, but i am going to jump right into it, because in book, your husband, barack obama, the

former president. >> that guy. uh-huh. [ cheers and laughter ] >> jimmy: he says you watch too much lowbrow tv, he thinks. [ laughter ] >> well, i think he watches too much "sportscenter." so i think we're even there. i keep telling him it's the same thing. "real housewives" and the nba. >> jimmy: do you watch "real housewives"? >> of course. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: which is the best city? >> you know, they all have their specialness. atlanta gets me going. beverly hills, they're a little wacky. >> jimmy: does he wander in the living room and go, what's going on here? >> he's like, ugh -- he doesn't understand. >> jimmy: what is the last thing you watched together? >> the last thing we watched together. it was probably sports. golf is always on. i know. >> jimmy: you will watch golf with him? that's love. [ laughter ] >> well, it's background ambience. >> jimmy: i see, i see. >> it is. >> jimmy: he'll sit there and watch golf? >> it's usually on silent, and he is doing something else.

it's his background. his golf is like hgtv to me. >> jimmy: i see. >> you know, you just love the sound of people finding nice homes and looking at tray ceilings and all that. it's soothing. it blocks out all the worries of the day. >> jimmy: i get it. after eight years, i'm sure very, very busy days and nights in the white house. >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you guys ever find yourselves just sitting in your house, your home, just looking at each other? [ laughter ] >> yeah, we do that a lot. >> jimmy: there are boring times? >> oh, there are tons of boring times. which we love. >> jimmy: you love boring times? >> we need. after eight years in the white house, you want desperately to have. we celebrate the boring times. we look at each other and go, what are you doing? nothing. [ laughter ] we're like, yes! [ applause ] >> jimmy: you personally

decorate the house for christmas? >> i am big into christmas. and i like lots of christmas decorations. we usually spend christmas in hawaii. that's been our tradition. >> jimmy: right. >> and so because we're headed there, the trees are being put up. but i'm looking at everything going one more this, one more there, one more wreath. i love christmas. i love poinsettias everywhere. so yes, lots of. >> jimmy: do you go to the home depot and get a flat of them? [ laughter ] >> no. i can't say i've been at home depot in a while. >> jimmy: when you go to hawaii. >> yeah. >> jimmy: which you like going to hawaii? >> duh, yeah. [ laughter ] have you met anyone -- >> jimmy: no, not really. people love going to hawaii. >> yeah. that's why i married barack. [ laughter ] he was from hawaii. yeah, you're kind of cute. ears a little big. and you're from where? [ laughter ] i think i love you.

>> jimmy: you write about the first time you went to -- it was a christmas trip, right? >> yeah, yeah. after the first summer where we officially started dating, and he wanted me to come home to meet his family. and i was like oh, man. i was a second year associate at a law firm in chicago. winters in chicago are deadly dreary. so the thought of leaving my family who i love and going to spend christmas with the love of my life in hawaii, i was like, sign me up. [ laughter ] but i had never been to hawaii. so i had an image of what it would be. and the only image i had, though, was of the brady bunch visit to hawaii. [ laughter ] you know? i mean, it's generational. >> jimmy: you knew not to pick up an ancient tiki idol. [ laughter ] >> that was the vision i had. leis on the beach and waikiki and some hula dancing. >> jimmy: and that's right, not necessarily wrong? >> unless you're visiting somebody who grew up there. >> jimmy: ah, interesting.

>> then it's just going home, which i realized that later. so i'm thinking we're going have mai tais and long walks on the beach. and we drive in from the airport on the highway. we go into the city. i don't see a beach anywhere. i don't see greg brady in a -- [ laughter ] i see nothing that i was expecting. we drive up to toot and gramp's apartment building which is just like my grandparents' apartment building. well, this isn't sexy. [ laughter ] we go up to the tenth floor and go into their little apartment. it's really sweet. lovely. toot and gramps, love them to death. they reminded me of my grandparents. their apartment looks like a regular apartment. no hawaii anywhere in sight. and we did what you do when you visit grandparents. "60 minutes" is on, you know. [ laughter ] gramps made tuna with sweet pickles and we had sandwiches on tv trays. that was the first day. and i was okay, that's cute. he's got a great family, just like mine.

and we go and stay and come back second day. we do that again. [ laughter ] third day, more jigsaw puzzles, "60 minutes." and i'm like, dude, where is the romantic stuff, you know? but i tell this story because it's in the chapter called "partnering well." that what i saw at that young age, i thought romance and love was mai tais and sunsets on the beach. but barack was showing me that family was important, that he showed up for his family. and he continued to show up for our family in the same way. so for all the -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. and now when you go to hawaii, are you staying -- you're going to the family's house? or is that not even a possibility? >> his grandparents have passed. >> jimmy: grandparents have passed, sure, yeah. >> it's a tradition. we have about five or six family friends who have been going to hawaii every christmas.

>> jimmy: do any of barack's old stoner friends from the neighborhood come by? [ laughter ] >> yes, yes. that's the crew. but they're no longer -- but nobody is stoning anymore. everybody is responsible. they all have kids. >> jimmy: in hawaii nobody does any of that. [ laughter ] >> no, not that i'm going to admit here on national tv, anyway. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: do you buy your gifts in advance, open them there? >> we buy, ship. when the kids were little, we used to have two christmases because santa was coming. >> jimmy: right. >> and santa still had to come to the house at the tree that we had. so we said santa's gifts are there. and then we brought fewer things to hawaii. but there was a santa that came to hawaii too. what we do for our kids. >> jimmy: yeah. did you ever -- obviously not when you were in the white house. but before that, did you ever take the kids to the mall to take a picture, malia and sasha, on santa's lap? >> oh, yes. we -- i am a christmas mother. we did it all. >> jimmy: which mall would you go to? >> where would we go?

it would change up. we usually took them to ala moana in hawaii. it's a different santa. >> jimmy: yeah, it's a beach santa. >> it's a beach santa. >> jimmy: more sand than santa, yeah. >> not as chubby. the girls are in their shorts. that's where their christmas pictures are, in hawaii. we've been going there every christmas except for the iowa caucuses since they were born. we spent the iowa caucuses caucusing. >> jimmy: well, you have to. >> so we were in hawaii. that's what they know christmas to be. we would go to ala moana. they had a santa in the center of the mall. and we would stand in line and the kids would see santa. >> jimmy: did you ever have the elf on the shelf at the white house? >> no, that wasn't a thing when our kids -- >> jimmy: so lucky. so lucky. >> they had sort of outgrown all of that. they outgrew that sooner than i would have liked. >> jimmy: is your husband hard to shop for? >> he doesn't care about gifts. >> jimmy: so you don't get him any?

>> sometimes. we aren't really big gift givers because -- >> jimmy: oh. >> like, if i get him something, it will be a golf-related things because that's what he does. >> jimmy: does he ever run short of wrapping paper? does he ever wrap the gifts in top secret documents he borrowed from the white house? [ laughter ] >> we don't have any. >> jimmy: you don't have any? [ cheering ] that's good. >> if we had, i guarantee you my husband would be in somebody's jail by now. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: when we come back on, i want to ask you about the book. i want to show you something. you haven't seen, i can't believe you haven't seen it because we've all seen it. well, you'll see it. >> okay, i can't wait. >> jimmy: michelle obama is with us. this is her book. "the late we carry." we'll be right back.

when cold symptoms keep you up, try vicks nyquil severe. just one dose starts to relieve 9 of your worst cold and flu symptoms, to help take you from 9 to none. for max-strength nighttime relief, nyquil severe. find your beat for max-strength nighttime relief, your moment of calm find your potential then own it support your immune system

with a potent blend of nutrients and emerge your best every day with emergen-c [narrator] everyone needs quality health insurance, even if you're healthy and active.

covered california is a free service to help you get covered. 90% of members have received financial help and every plan offered is comprehensive, covering preventive care, doctor visits, emergency care, and more. regardless of your income, check today to see how covered california can help you. and if you have questions, there's free assistance every step of the way. covered california, this way to health insurance. enroll by december 31st at coveredca.com.

i have to admit that sometimes going out on the campaign trail feels a little harder than it used to. not just because i'm older and grayer. [ cheering ] i don't know if you all heard that. i'm sorry, what did you say? said i was still fine. [ cheering ] okay. i'm not going to tell michelle you said that.

although michelle does agree. she knows. >> jimmy: she knows, she knows. [ cheers and applause ] >> i hadn't seen that. >> jimmy: i love that you hadn't seen that. but you do know. >> i heard about it. he came home. that's the first thing he said. "how did it go in "somebody said i was fine." [ laughter ] i was like, "oh, really, that's so sweet." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you don't share stories like that with him, though, do you? no, of course not. >> he doesn't need to know all my business. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's right. this book, would it be correct to call it like a self-help book in some way? >> it's a little different than that. it's not like a how to, but, you know, as i travel across the country, meet with kids and folks, leaders, they want to ask me, how do you get through stuff? >> jimmy: people ask you for advice all the time? >> on all kinds of things. dealing with fear, feeling invisible, how you find your

voice. people are trying to figure out how to get through life, and not everybody has a mentor. people don't always have parents that they feel like they get the kind of advice from. so what this book is, is just my offering of the tools that i've developed over the course of my 58 years that help me, you know. it's not intended to be, this is how it works and these are the three steps to feeling seen. it's still grounded in story. the stories of my life, the things that still make me afraid and vulnerable, and i want it to be a conversation. because we all have tools. >> jimmy: one of the tools is martinis, it seems like, based on the book. [ laughter ] >> that's the chapter that didn't make into it the book. but martinis can be a useful tool. >> jimmy: they can be useful, yeah. i have to say, i think that for a lot of people probably, and for me, like when you talk about your low point as a parent. >> yeah. >> jimmy: maybe it was just one

of the low points. you have many low points. last night my son told me that he wanted a different set of parents because we wouldn't let him have his ipad. >> he's like, get rid of you, you're out. >> jimmy: but it makes you feel better to know. because we just imagine that you've got everything figured out. >> i share one of the stories. there is a whole chapter called "meet my mom" because my mom is an amazing force in my life, and so much of my parents' wisdom make up the tools that i use. and she of course wouldn't write a book because my mom says, who cares what i have to think, what i would say. and no, mom, a lot of people would. >> you've try to get your mom to write something? >> i tried. this is the closest i could get is sort of putting her voice in. but in that chapter, i talk about one of the -- her sort of says is parent the child you've got, which as parents, if you have more than one kid, you have one kid, you think you know what you're doing. and then you try to apply the same thing to the second kid,

and it's like i am not a good parent. >> jimmy: right. >> and so i tell the story of this was during one of the campaigns where barack had been away from home. the kids were supposed to be going to bed. they weren't listening. i lost my cool. i go upstairs, "you don't want to listen to me? i just quit, i give up, you don't need a parent." you know. "i will just sit, i will hand you your lives." they're like 7 and, you know. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> they're like 8 and 4, you know. so here are the two different kids. malia, the oldest, who is compassionate and a pleaser, she says, "oh, mommy, no, no, that would be horrible." and she rushes and she goes and brushes her teeth. and i'm going whoo, that was a good play. sasha, who is like 3 has her blankie in her arms. she turns and says "great." [ laughter ] and she marches upstairs to go watch tv. and i said, "if you don't get your little butt back down here." [ laughter ] they are still those kids.

sasha at 3 thought she could handle her life. it was almost like she was saying, finally! this lady is going to get out of my hair and let me run this thing like i know i need to run it. >> jimmy: your mom said something great. and you recount in the book, something to the effect of, my job as a parent is to be put out of business. >> yeah. >> jimmy: how exactly did she put it? >> she wanted to make herself obsolete. which is contrary to how this generation of helicopter parenting works, you know, where we are like whipping their noses and bringing snacks and scheduling playdates and making sure that our kids don't experience any hurt or any anxiety. we're waking them up until they're 25. [ laughter ] my mother's theory was just the opposite. she is like, i think my parents felt like they couldn't give us wealth. they didn't get a college education. we weren't going to get some inheritance. so she had to give us

competence, and give it to us early. so she gave us alarm clocks in kindergarten. the minute we were going to school. she's like," this is how you use it, it's your education, you set it, you get up, you work through your schedule in the morning." my mom was up but she was like, "you've got to be responsible, this is your education." [ applause ] then she sent me to walk to school by myself at 5. but i tell that story because it's also -- it also helped me get accustomed to pushing through fears and hesitation earlier. when your parents are telling you, "i think you are capable of doing this," you know -- it made me feel competent. and so what one of the things that i say for so many of us who are struggling with fear is that it's a tricky emotion, because it can keep you safe, but it can keep you stuck if you don't learn how to decode it. if you don't learn to understand what's the fear that's going to keep you safe and what's the

fear that you need to push through to get to growth and learning. my parents made us practice confronting our fears early in life. >> jimmy: unbelievable. >> you can always make your world a little bit bigger. and there is always growth and opportunity on the other side of that good fear. so we can't be -- we can't let people manipulate us into living small lives and being afraid of each other. [ applause ] we should be very suspicious of that kind of thinking. >> jimmy: great advice. i know you have to get going, but i have a little christmas present for you. >> oh, wait, wait. i've got a gift for you too. oh, i'm so glad -- i almost forgot. jimmy, this is just wonderful homemade jam. >> jimmy: oh, did you make this? >> no, i didn't. [ laughter ] but i just -- our traditions, we try to do things that are personal, small. i just don't -- i think the big materialistic stuff kind of

ruins the spirit of christmas. so i hope you appreciate this delicious homemade jam that i brought for you. [ applause ] what's the matter? >> jimmy: well -- >> what's this? >> jimmy: i -- i got you a little something, um, also -- it's also homemade. >> jimmy: i hope -- i hope you like it. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> what -- what -- what is this? >> jimmy: this is biggie and this is tupac. they're ponies. [ laughter ] >> ponies? jimmy. >> jimmy: i know. i went a little crazy. i don't know. you have a lot of stuff. i figured, why not? >> they're cute. how am i going to get these to hawaii? >> jimmy: they're really good swimmers, actually. [ laughter ] >> well, at least one each for the girls. >> jimmy: that's right. one each for the girls. pass them along. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: thank you so much for being here.

>> it's a lot. >> jimmy: and also, i like to tell our audience tonight that mrs. obama has a copy of her book, "the light we carry" for each and every one of you. [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much for being here. merry christmas. we'll be right back with marc [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ we love our new home. there's so much space. ♪ ♪ you're slouching again, ted. expired. expired. expired. thanks, aunt bonnie. it's a lot of house. i hope you can keep it clean. at least geico makes bundling our home and car insurance easy. which helps us save a lot of money. oh, teddy. did you get my friend request? oh. i'll have to check. aunt joani's here. for bundling made easy, go to geico.com. hello?!

who says the holidays have to be over? not me! let's keep shopping... roll that promo, maestro. ha-a-a a-ash-tag sorry not sorry.

get up to 75% off clearance right now! only at old navy and oldnavy.com can i return this love-hate relationship with cookies? of course! do you want to return them both, or just the hate? i can just return the hate? yep. with weight watchers, you can eat the foods you love, even cookies, and still lose weight. start today at ww.com i'm feeling better. body pain? headache? nope. all in one and done. cuh-congestion? better. cough? fever? better. mucinex all in one relieves 9 symptoms in 1 dose. celebrate your comeback with $5 cash back. ♪ look at you looking for the good stuff. two full servings of veggies and an excellent source of vitamins and a whole lot of flavor all before lunch time. find veggies. find a better start. find it in v8. ♪ music (“i swear”) plays ♪ jaycee tried gain flings for the first time the other day... and forgot where she was. [buzz]

you can always spot a first timer. gain flings with oxi boost and febreze.

>> lou: tomorrow on "jimmy kimmel live" -- [ cheers and applause ] kimmel live" -- [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ ok jake from state farm, i really want that personal price plan... mr. and mrs. alvarez... i save my shrimp tails. i have a whole collection. i keep them in jars under my bed. you don't need to get that personal. the state farm personal price plan helps you create an affordable price just for you. she also plays piano. yeah. with my feet! like a good neighbor, state farm is there. call or click to get a quote today. what's with the double mcnuggets? oh this one's my backup, in case something happens to the first one. [crunch] mmm. see. get one favorite like 10 piece chicken mcnuggets and get another for just a buck, right now at mcdonald's. ♪

♪ ♪ the target clearance run is on. shop target stores to save up to 50% off clothing, toys, beauty, and so much more. make your target clearance run now to get low prices and great deals for everyone, only at target. you go by lots of titles. veteran, dad, hair stylist.

so adding a "student" title might feel daunting. national university is here to support all your titles. national university. supporting the whole you. how did kellogg's combine crunchy oat clusters with a touch of honey... plump, juicy raisins and tasty fiber into one delicious cereal? it took a lot of bran-storming. get it? kellogg's raisin bran crunch. two scoops of delicious. (vo) after fifteen years of the share the love event, subaru and our retailers have donated overet it? two hundred and fifty million dollars to charity. in fact, subaru is the largest corporate donor to the aspca... ...and the national park foundation. and the largest automotive donor to meals on wheels... ...and make-a-wish. get a new subaru during the share the love event and subaru and our retailers will donate three hundred dollars to charity. with golo, i've lost 13 inches in my waist. they're outta here.

you eat normal food. you're not eating diet food. i'm doing something good for me finally. (announcer) go to golo.com to lose weight and get healthier. one prilosec otc each morning blocks heartburn all day and all night. prilosec otc reduces excess acid for 24 hours, blocking heartburn before it starts. one pill a day. 24 hours. zero heartburn.

you ready for an adventure? let's go! 2023 on disney+. it's going to be quite a year. new stories. this is just the beginning. definitely. new faces. peter pan? were you expecting someone else? and some familiar ones too. hang on. like this handsome fellow! little over the top, don't you think? there's only one place that's home to all of this and so much more. disney+

♪ >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back. our next guest is a very funny comedian, actor, and podcaster who you can see in a great new movie, "to leslie." >> so what have i got to do for all this? >> oh, well, nothing. i mean -- >> i got to work, don't i? >> oh, right. yeah, yeah. you got to work. basically, you got to, you know, clean up the rooms after the guests leave and wash the towels, wash your sheets, maintain the property a little bit, and help guests with their bags. >> that it? >> that is it, really. pretty much it, right. >> okay. >> "to leslie" is on apple tv+ and other digital platforms now. please welcome marc maron. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> jimmy: marc, i know you have interviewed president obama on your podcast. >> yes, i have. he was in my garage. he was. >> jimmy: that's not a joke? >> 2015, midway through that third year of his last term, came to the house, dropped by with about 20 secret service guys. i had to ask my neighbor if it was okay to put snipers on his roof. [ laughter ] he was thrilled. a retired guy. the best thing that ever happened in his life. despite all that, michelle didn't say nothing to me. walked right by. here is the thing. it was funny. he came over. what are you going to say to a sitting president? he came into my garage, and i asked him. "are you nervous about this?" and he said, "if i was nervous about this, we'd all be in trouble." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how many episodes of your podcast "wtf" have you done? >> we've done about 1400 now. 1400. >> jimmy: 1400 episodes. [ applause ]

>> jimmy: is there anyone left to still be excited about? >> there is always people to still be excited about. i don't know them offhand. i was in new york at a screening of "to leslie." >> jimmy: which is great, by the way. >> and brooke shields was there. >> jimmy: oh, that's exciting. >> one of the people. brooke shields. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: if you're our age, that's a very big deal. >> remember her when we were kids? >> jimmy: very much so. >> you feel like we grew up with her. >> jimmy: i saw her on "circus of the stars" live taping in las vegas. >> wow. >> jimmy: that's how serious cleto and i, our band leader, were. we loved brooke shields, yeah. >> i saw her at the screening. it was one of those moments where i can genuinely get star-struck. not now. >> jimmy: no. [ laughter ] >> i know you. but when i saw her, i was, hi, brooke shields. i had to say both names for some reason. [ laughter ] i said, how are you, brooke shields? shipped, i'm good, very good performance. are you going to the party, brooke shields? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: imagine that, as your

young self, that you are starring in a movie, which is a great movie by the way. >> thank you. >> jimmy: and brooke shields sat there and watched you act. >> crazy. >> jimmy: that's something else. >> debra winger was there. i'm really dropping the big names from back in the day. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they are big names. >> huh? brooke shields and debra winger and richard schiff. all hanging out. >> jimmy: i saw the movie. my wife and i watched it. >> was anyone watching it who was a celebrity with you? at your house? >> jimmy: no. but i think guillermo texted me. does that count? >> sure. >> jimmy: we watched it and we thought it was great. how did you wind up in this movie? it doesn't seem like a role people would typically think about you for. >> i know. that's true. i didn't trust it. generally, if people want to cast me, it's for some degree of -- i'm on the spectrum of cranky jew. you kind of i can go for sure, whatever you want to what is going on here? but like i'm usually an aggravated guy or something like

that. and this guy wants me to play this sort of quiet humble. >> jimmy: nice. >> texan guy. and i thought it was a mistake. when my agent told me, geez, how many guys did they go through to get to me? did everyone in hollywood say no to this? every texan? they probably reached out to sam elliott. i didn't believe it was being offered to me. the director kept pushing. everyone kept pushing. and out of nowhere, chelsea handler reaches out. now i know chelsea, you know chelsea. she is a friend of the director. he's enlisted chelsea handler to text me. to talk to him. you don't want to get on chelsea's bad side. >> jimmy: no! >> i saw chelsea's name, oh, god, i got to call this guy. i called him up. he said i was the guy and he like mid show "maron." he was a fan of what i could bring to it potentially. i was a little nervous. "can't do the accent." he's like, "don't worry about

it." but of course, after i said that, if i want to really do acting, i should try to do the accent. so they put me in touch with a dialect coach, a lady that knows all the accents. >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> and she decides that we're going do a lubbock accent. and i said, "i don't even know what that means." [ laughter ] there is a lot of texan accents. she says lubbock. fine. i'll try lubbock. then she says, "i'll send you a little glossary of how to pronounce things, i'll send you some videos to study the lubbock accent." there are videos to study lubbock accent. she sends me these videos. i open them up. they're like videos of an older mack davis. >> jimmy: the real mack davis? >> the singer and songwriter mack davis. >> jimmy: wow. >> in his 80s doing weird events at places where they weren't even on television. >> jimmy: what? >> she's like, "that's the best lubbock accent." >> jimmy: mack davis? >> it never lands with an audience. [ laughter ] you have to understand.

mack davis was like a huge singer guy. >> jimmy: absolutely huge. >> and he was an actor. >> jimmy: tv star. >> "north dallas 40" with nick nolte. i don't know why i'm trying to sell it to the audience. [ laughter ] don't you know mack davis? [ cheering ] i thought it was hysterical that she gave me mack davis. but the four times i tell that story, i say the punch line, it just goes nowhere. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: mack davis was supposed to do a radio show in tucson, arizona and mack davis was scheduled to be our guest. this is not 1972, by the way. >> sure, right. >> jimmy: and he fell ill and had to go to the hospital. so we interviewed him from his hospital bed. >> i'm surprised that the lady didn't send me that. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: are you sure she didn't? >> this is a sickly lubbock accent. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i have to tell you, i highly recommend this movie. it's called "to leslie."

it's on apple tv+. [ cheers and applause ] and other digital platforms that we don't know now. marc maron, everybody. thanks, marc. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [narrator] everyone needs quality health insurance, even if you're healthy and active. covered california is a free service to help you get covered. 90% of members have received financial help and every plan offered is comprehensive, covering preventive care, doctor visits, emergency care, and more. regardless of your income, check today to see how covered california can help you. and if you have questions, there's free assistance every step of the way. covered california, this way to health insurance. enroll by december 31st at coveredca.com.

♪music playing♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ nothing brings the pack together like a trip to great wolf lodge. now open in northern california.

>> jimmy: i want to thank michelle obama and marc maron. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next. thank you for watching. good night. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next. thank you for watching. good night.

♪ this is "nightline." >> tonight, flying fiasco. >> christmas was just ruined. this was the worst christmas ever. >> thousands of flights canceled and delayed. southwest airlines at the center of the chaos after that deadly holiday storm. >> please also hear that i'm truly sorry. >> the ceo apologizing, but now facing a federal probe. >> it's a shocking and unacceptable level of disruption. plus killer curves. >> i wanted a little cushion for the pushing. >> you wanted some jiggle. >> yeah. >> a look at the bottom some women are dying to get. idealized in songs like megan thee stallion's "body." >> i've seen cement