thank you for watching. i am, dates. -- >> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, anthony mackie, chris distefano, and music from gracie abrams. with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you very much. welcome, thank you. hi, everybody. stop it, it's too much. i'm jimmy. thanks for watching. thanks for braving the elements to be here.

wow, you guys must be from out of town. [ laughter ] you must be from strong places. we saw weather today we don't see here. we got hit with rain, hail, and even a light dusting of snow in southern california, in hollywood. it even had the audacity to snow on the hollywood sign. [ laughter ] and of course, everybody's complaining about how -- this is a great example of how different l.a. is from other places. the earth itself moves in the middle of the night and we don't even get out of bed, but a tiny bit of snow? we will not leave the house, we're scared. [ laughter ] you okay, guillermo? >> guillermo: it's freaking cold, jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: italso when the last time you saw snow here? >> guillermo: oh, wow. a long time ago. >> jimmy: and he's an actual snowman. [ laughter ] >> guillermo: yeah, long time ago, yeah. >> jimmy: by the way, compared to the rest of the country, we have it very easy. in michigan, hundreds of thousands of homes are without power. there's a huge snow and ice storm there, which came as

surprisingly good news to an announcer at a high school basketball game in hamilton, michigan. >> 57-45! hawkeyes take it home. lusk makes his way over to the student section. and lusk calls the snow day! breaking news! lusk just calls a snow day right here at the student section! oh my goodness! whoo! no school for me tomorrow! [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: that kid really hates school. i mean, it's funny, but that's a red flag. [ laughter ] they need to do something about that. the department of defense has finally released an image, a photograph of that cheney spy balloon the military shot down a couple of weeks ago. look at this thing. it's a lot more elaborate than i assumed. i thought it was just a balloon. i didn't know it was a balloon carrying the hubble space telescope. [ laughter ] it's huge. if it wasn't a spy balloon,

somewhere there's a 300-foot-tall chinese toddler crying his eyes out. [ laughter ] look at that again. it's a selfie taken by the pilot on a u-2 plane. we've got billion-dollar satellites up there, the only picture we got of this thing is from some dude's iphone? [ laughter ] are pilots supposed to be taking selfies while they fly a plane? and if you're wondering how the pentagon knew the balloon came from china, turns out they forgot to take off the sticker. [ laughter and applause ] even our ufos are made in china! meanwhile, this investigation into trump and his efforts to steal the election in georgia is ballooning. i mentioned this last night, the foreperson of the special grand jury made the rounds on cable news channels. her name is emily kohrs, and she's quite a character. >> i thought it would be really cool of 60 seconds of trump, me looking at him, "do you solemnly swear." i kind of thought that would be

an awesome moment. >> jimmy: yeah, for sure it would be awesome. it gave trump and his lawyers an opportunity to claim her doing interviews has poisoned the process. they're real sticklers for the rules at team trump. [ laughter ] there was a good deal of backlash against this woman. as a result, most of her social media accounts have been deleted with the exception of her pinterest page, those never go away. [ laughter ] like hpv. and her pinterest includes several collections of pins dedicated to wicca and witchcraft. [ laughter ] so now when he calls it a witch hunt, he can blame it on an actual witch. [ laughter ] from a legal standpoint, the judge in the case said emily didn't do anything wrong. the only thing she's not allowed to discuss are deliberations she had with the grand jurors while they were alone, which she didn't do. apparently she's allowed to talk about anything else, including the final report. so probably the most that will happen is that trump's lawyers will have an extra opportunity to file nuisance objections and delay, which is basically trump's strategy for everything. he's almost 80. if he can keep delaying long enough, he'll get the ultimate get out of jail free card. [ laughter ]

and while we wait for the other shoe to drop in georgia, we got an update on the investigation into the january 6th insurrection. special counsel issued a subpoena for ivanka trump and her husband, jared kushner. which i don't know, what's the point of subpoenaing ivanka? you know she's just going to plead the saks fifth. [ laughter ] "is donald trump your father?" "i do not recall." [ laughter ] and jared. serving jared raises some important and interesting legal questions like, can you subpoena a mannequin? [ laughter ] meanwhile, daddy donald has been trying to exploit the poisonous situation in east palestine, ohio, for political gain. trump went there yesterday to drop off crates of trump water. [ laughter ] not a joke. trump ice, crates of them. also lash out at president biden, his response to the toxic train wreck. trump told locals the biden administration showed "indifference" and "betrayal" but turns out, and you're not going to believe this, there's more to the story. [ laughter ]

trump claimed he was there to help. so when secretary of transportation pete buttigieg showed up today, he was asked how he might be able to help. >> one thing he could do is express support for reversing the deregulation that happened on his watch. i heard him say he had nothing to do with it, even though it was in his administration. so if he had nothing to do with it and they did it in his administration against his will, maybe he could come out and say that he supports us moving in a different direction. >> jimmy: i'm sure he'll do that. that sounds like him, right? [ laughter ] what buttigieg is referring to is during the trump administration, the republican-led congress eliminated rail safety measures that could have prevented an accident like this. even his foxy friends indicated that the trump administration was to blame. >> speaking of the white house, apparently regulations regarding train safety were changed during the trump administration. this particular railroad and others lobbied president trump to dismantle an obama-era rule,

but ultimately the trump administration undid that and said the cost exceeded the benefits. >> jimmy: trump said the same thing about buying eric swimming lessons. [ laughter ] but even though his own sycophants are pointing fingers, trump says he had nothing to do with it at all. >> what do you make of biden or buttigieg's criticism of you pulling back rail regulations? >> no, i had nothing to do with it, i had nothing to do -- no, he's got to work on the irpts, we've never had airports like this, we're like a third world nation. >> jimmy: when do you think the last time he went to an airport was? [ laughter ] 19, i don't know, 1979? last time he went to an airport, the stewardesses were smoking while they worked. [ laughter ] so now dummy, who could have stayed out of the whole thing, is being held responsible, for making safety last. fortunately for him, he's got an ardent defender, in one donald j. junior. >> pete buttigieg is taking personal time. 19 days isn't enough time.

plus the time he spent chest feeding while we were in the midst of a supply chain crisis and 350 million americans were depending on him to do his damn job. but there is no accountability. there's not even expectation of these guys doing their jobs. >> jimmy: and what is your job, exactly? [ laughter ] i mean, seriously. besides yelling at your laptop, what is it that you do for a living? what do you write on your tax return? "son"? [ laughter ] donald trump junior is the only guy in america who claims himself as a dependent. [ laughter ] [ applause ] fox news, by the way, they're not having a great week. over the weekend, very damning text messages were released, between some of their on-air hosts that revealed, in print, that they knew they were lying to their viewers about trump's imaginary election fraud. and whenever they get cornered, they turn to an old friend to distract artificial outrage. first it was the green m&m, then it was gender neutral mr. potato head, and now, the latest threat

to to america is disabled-friendly legos. >> lego is going woke. the company unveiling a range of new characters in the effort to be more inclusive. lego says the new characters will promote diversity and understanding, some will have anxiety issues, i don't know how you show that. one will have a missing limb, another down syndrome. these are really important issues. >> yeah. >> do you want lego in there? >> definitely not. but what's so fascinating about this story is the divide in the country. republicans think it's insane that they're forcing identity politics into legos. make a drag queen stripper.dn't- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, i have to admit i am pretty bummed about that. [ laughter ] i was thinking about organizing a march to protest. why anybody would be upset about a lego that represents people missing a leg, i have no -- they're called legos. not legs-os. [ laughter ] and i also find it interesting that fox news directs so much anger at legos considering the

fact that most of them have lego haircuts. [ laughter ] but that's how it goes. and guys, here's an idea. instead of constantly bitching about these products, make your own things. nobody's stopping you. make you own homophobic potato dudes or your angry white guy breakfast cereals, little plastic bricks to build a wall around a sombrero, do whatever you want. [ laughter ] i have some fox news for you, you're embarrassing yourselves. >> disney is going woke. >> our health care system is going woke. >> investments going woke. >> the famed french cathedral going woke. >> microsoft word is the next one to go woke. >> one of america's favorite candies is going woke. >> victoria's secret is going full woke. >> u.s. census bureau, apparently it's going woke too. >> pizza hut has gone woke. >> walmart is going woke. >> the nfl is going woke. >> baseball is going woke. >> the national hockey league has apparently gone woke. >> cambridge dictionary, they're going woke. >> google going woke.

>> a.i. programs have gone woke. >> the army is going woke. >> my little pony is going woke. >> captain america going woke. >> minnie mouse is going woke. >> wordle is going woke. >> video games going woke. >> woke media. >> woke agenda. >> woke algorithms. >> woke universities. >> woke prosecutors. >> woke premier league. >> woke apocalypse. >> guess who's going woke? the muppets. >> jimmy: oh, not kermit too. [ laughter and applause ] they're right, things are a mess. speaking of embarrassing, george santos. [ laughter ] just when you thought it couldn't get worse than stealing puppies from the amish, we find out, oh yes, it can! according to vice news, misrepresentative santos also lied about helping sick children. on his campaign website, santos claimed he and his family had "engaged in helping children with eb," which is a rare genetic disorder. but there is no record of george santos or anyone associated with him ever doing anything for children with eb. apparently, it was part of his work with the fake-a-wish foundation. [ laughter ]

you have to wonder, how many lies are they going to uncover? you know, we've been goofing on san teasantos for a month now. the truth is, somebody to this good at making stuff up doesn't belong in congress, he belongs in hollywood. [ laughter ] here he would fit right in. so far we've learned that george santos is, not a former college volleyball player, not a ninja, not banksy, not the real slim shady, never dated charo, didn't invent the flowbee, doesn't train dolphins, not in weezer, wasn't salt, wasn't pepa, wasn't the coppertone baby, not the philly phanatic, not the mandalorian, is not one of oprah's favorite things, and his penis doesn't speak french. [ laughter ] i'm sure there will be more "nots" by tomorrow. but until then, there is an organization that has been designed to handle just this sort of thing. >> do you or someone you voted for struggle with a serious chronic condition commonly known as b.s.? >> i was not a drag queen in brazil. >> b.s. is a rare but treatable

disease. lying about your resume, lying about your name, lying about your criminal status in another country, lying about helping sick kids, lying about your mother dying in 9/11, lying about every single aspect of your life. fortunately there's hope. you can help politicians suffering from b.s. with a donation to the government emergency organization regarding growing epidemics surrounding advanced neurological topics or symptoms. george santos. >> what do you have to say about the source of that money? >> huh? >> with your large and generous contribution, george santos will fight b.s., giving your congresspeople more time to steal puppies from the amish. please write a check to george santos today and help beat the b.s. >> i'm president michael jordan santos, and i approve this message. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. we've got a good show for you tonight. chris distefano is here. [ cheers and applause ] we have music from gracie abrams. and we'll be right back with

anthony mackie!

>> jimmy: tonight, from the new show on vice tv, the "super maximum retro show," the very funny chris distefano is with us. [ cheers and applause ] then later, she will be on a stadium tour with taylor swift as well as on her own tour this year. her new album "good riddance" comes out at midnight tonight. gracie abrams from the mercedes benz stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night we'll be here with a new show. we'll be joined by maverick himself, tom cruise will be here. camilla morrone will be with us and we'll have music from walk

off the earth. please join us for all that. our first guest is the artist formerly known as falcon and currently known as captain america. his new movie swaps superheroes for the supernatural in "we have a ghost." it premieres tomorrow on netflix. please welcome anthony mackie. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> yes! man! >> jimmy: how are you doing? i haven't seen you in quite some time. >> i know, man. i was on that little program but it got off it, called covid. >> jimmy: yeah, we were all kin? >> we was on it, we was on it. >> jimmy: did you go to mardi gras? you were at mardi gras, right? >> yesterday -- day before yesterday, yes. >> jimmy: very proudly from new orleans. >> yes, sir. proud folk.

>> jimmy: i was curious. i grew up in las vegas, people find that very fascinating. what's it like growing up with mardi gras? do you go to that when you're a kid? >> you go as a kid with your parents, you run around. i always had the competition, who could catch the most cups. you drink from those cups. i've never drank from a cup, like from a store. >> jimmy: really? [ laughter ] >> until i was 22. we didn't have fine china, we had mardi gras cups. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so if you were good at catching, you had to drink out of your hands? >> no, you're staying under the older people. every time a cup comes, you bump them and get their cup. [ laughter ] i used to get stacks of them. when you go out with your friends, everybody leaves home with a cup, who knows where that cup will end by the end of the night. >> jimmy: wow, how about that. i knew about the beads. >> yeah, with the beads, a whole different thing. nobody kept beads. >> jimmy: nobody keeps the beads? >> no. a week later you wear the beads on your flight," oh, that dude

caught big beads, i wonder what he did for them beads." then you go home and your neck is green. [ laughter ] your girl's mad at you. you god a bead rash. [ laughter ] you know? so cups. that's the way to go. >> jimmy: that makes a lot of sense. you were the bacchus king? >> the king of mardi gras. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. they really dolled you up, too. >> i had a crown. see that thing around my neck? that's called a ducal. when you're a king, you've got to get ducal. >> jimmy: why is it called a dukal? >> it's a dukal, i don't know. >> jimmy: do you keep the dukal? >> you put your name on the dukal. >> jimmy: when they kept the beads and they have the medallion -- >> that's a doubloon. people collect those. my brother, when he was a kid, he had a doubloon collection forever. then tieing them all out and threw them away. >> jimmy: that's how it goes, right? >> that's how it goes.

>> jimmy: things are collectible because we throw them out or our mothers throw them it. >> everybody has a little brother that go and toss them out in the trash, old doubloons. >> jimmy: i went to mardi gras once, a long time ago, 20 years ago. one of these things, do you want to be a grand marshal in the parade? me and my friend adam carolla, "sure, we'd love to be the grand marshals." we get to the parade. they give us a bag with doubloons. on the doubloons there's an image of tommy lasorda. if you're curious as to why we'd be throwing out tommy lasorda balloons, it turned out they'd originally committed to tommy lasorda. >> and tommy canceled. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: the hell with it -- >> keep the same bead, we're not redoing the beads. >> jimmy: i remember the look of confusion on everybody's face, they look at them, huh? >> do you remember which parade

it was? >> jimmy: it was one of the bad ones. >> oh, yeah, yeah, across the river. >> jimmy: it was a side parade. >> you went metarie? oh, man. >> jimmy: let's put it this way, i didn't have a dukal around my neck. [ laughter ] i was not wearing a crown. i was throwing out a zip-loc bag of tommy lasorda. >> pretty much, pretty mach. >> jimmy: when you get older, when do you get to go really participate in the mardi gras festivities? how old? >> 18, 19 is when you kind of, you know -- you break away, you go -- like for landy graw, the day before mardi gras. the french quarter, you have food, they have stages out there. that monday when is it get hopping, like school shopping. you out there, it's all for you that day. >> jimmy: were you popular at those events with the ladies? >> wow. just specifically the ladies? [ laughter ] yeah, when i was 18, i was well known, yes. >> jimmy: you were, yeah. i had a feeling. >> i had a public access tv

show. >> jimmy: you did? >> yeah, my cousin, we had a record label called take four records. we could only afford four takes. [ laughter ] if you don't have it by take fou -- we got to go to the next one, bro. >> jimmy: wow, that's great. >> yeah. so we created the word, and this is true, we created the word "twerk." >> jimmy: come on. [ laughter ] you and your cousin created twerk? >> no, no, no. the dude who was rapping created the word twerk, but we went at it when they made the word twerk. >> jimmy: oh. >> that pretty much mean i'm in there. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wait -- who was the guy who created the word "twerk"? >> this is true new orleans. what's up, all right? so it was -- his name was dj jubilee. dj jubilee was a high school coach. but he was a rapper and a deejay. [ laughter ]

so he had a group, and he did these dance songs, so we would throw parties like at st. mark's and the riverboat -- everybody in new orleans is going, great. instagram, if you know somebody from new orleans, is going crazy because of these names. >> jimmy: yeah, really. >> my favorite place was the riverboat hallelujah. a party venue. 3,000, 10,000 people show up. jubilee would get up there, sing his songs, man, we was huge in the southeast. biloxi, you couldn't say my name. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: somehow you guys came up with twerk? as the name for that dance? >> because it was called jerking. it was this girl, she was jerking so hard. [ laughter ] two of us like, man, she working! man, she's tworking! that was the escalation. >> jimmy: wow. guillermo, do a little fact check on this. >> guillermo: i will in the commercial. >> jimmy: all right. i mean, you might as well be thomas edison.

[ laughter ] >> that's me. that's me. >> jimmy: let's take a break. we're going to take a break. anthony mackie is here. [ cheers and applause ] his movie is called "we have a ghost." we'll be right back. >> lou: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by silk nextmilk. made from plants, tastes like milk. ♪ don't worry. it happens to the best of us: surgeons, judges... overruled. even bowlers. ♪

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you must be frank. >> yeah. >> everyone here at tse is just thrilled about you and everything that's happening. >> we're really excited to have you in our home.

we're huge fans of the show. we watch the show all the time. >> you're a gem, you're a gem, you really are. oh, and you're cute! nobody said you were cute. nobody. i just want to know, where's the wifey? >> she's somewhere getting ready. >> good. lock her up. that's right, and put her in a box under the bed. because you're mine. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: anthony mackie and jennifer coolidge in "we have a ghost" on netflix. oh, boy, she's a character. >> that was all her. that was just her. that's why i was like, oh, we're going -- oh, wow -- oh, hello! that was all her. >> jimmy: i have a feeling that's how it works. people are like, she's too funny for us to write lines for. >> swinging for the fence, that's all it is. >> jimmy: it's an interesting idea for a movie. you guys buy a house, your family. >> right. >> jimmy: it's priced very low. >> of course. >> jimmy: turns out it's because there's a ghost in there. >> it's a fixer upper.

the whole premise of the movie is there's a family looking for a new start. they find this home, they move into this home, they buy the home -- little do they know the house was serviced with a ghost. the young kid who plays my son, he goes, he finds the ghost, he befriends the ghost. we take the ghost and make it into a public spectrum of events. the goes becomes -- it's like "harry and the hendersons." anybody here old enough to remember "harry and the hendersons"? [ applause ] this is "harry and the hendersons" just with a ghost. [ laughter ] if that's not a good enough sell, nothing is. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: david harbour from "stranger things," et cetera, plays the ghost. >> if you've seen david, he's -- he's harry. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, he's -- he's bigfoot-esque in ways. >> big guy, big guy. >> jimmy: he has no lines in the movie. >> he kills it though. everybody was jealous. >> jimmy: why? >> if i could come to work with

no lines? imagine what the night before -- oh, i would be like "weekend at bernie's," they'd have to prop me up. >> jimmy: you'd be twerking. >> i'd be twerking all day. >> jimmy: these guys looked it up, there it is, "a complete history of twerking" and look at that, dj jubilee. [ cheers and applause ] >> hey. hey, dude, remember this next time i see you, i hope you see this, ju, you owe me money. >> jimmy: i hope jube is making money from the twerking. >> jube been rich a long time. >> jimmy: you're shooting a "captain america" movie right now? >> we start on the 1st. in one week. >> jimmy: on the 1st. that's exciting. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: is steve rogers dead? steve rogers, the original captain america? >> is he dead? >> jimmy: yeah, is he dead? we didn't see him die on cam

rarch. >> that mean he ain't dead. [ laughter ] why you trying to kill steve? [ laughter ] that's age discrimination. [ laughter ] ain't nothing wrong with an old cat. >> jimmy: you know what i'm really doing? i'm fishing for answers i know you're not allowed to give. >> oh, i'm like, old cap get [ laughter ]akfast at ihop.- all of us want to be old cap. >> jimmy: old cap is okay, then, old cap is alive? >> yeah, i think so. i didn't see him die, i don't know. i saw chris two weeks ago and he looked pretty good. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is this movie part of the multiverse? >> i don't know what that is. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is kang in this movie? >> big daddy cain? >> jimmy: not big daddy cain -- >> if big daddy cain would be captain america? [ cheers. >> jimmy: that would be good. that would be pretty cool. >> no. smooth -- yo. >> jimmy: can you -- you can confirm that harrison ford is in

the movie, yes? >> funny thing. i did a movie 20 years ago with harrison ford. >> jimmy: and you're doing another movie with him right now? [ laughter ] >> no, so check this out. you can go see it. no, no, i did a movie with him 20 years ago. i was a young kid. >> jimmy: what movie was that? >> "hollywood homicide." >> jimmy: oh, okay. >> yeah, i did three weeks of navy s.e.a.l. training, i but together a gun, i threw a grenade, i rolled over. i got to the premiere, the director goes, "hey, all your stuff made the dvd." [ laughter ] [ moans ] i'm like, yo, i'm on the dvd! so the premiere, we walk in, we watching it. i turn to my agent, "yo, all my stuff made the dvd." he goes, "who told you that?" [ laughter ] "the director." ten minutes left in the movie, i haven't entered the movie yet. >> jimmy: oh, no. >> i made the dvd, though. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh my gosh. wow. that's disappointing.

>> that's my harrison ford story, that's all i got. >> jimmy: did you tell harrison this when you were on the set together? [ laughter ] >> no, i've literally only met harrison ford, you know, when we were on the set together for "hollywood homicide." classy. get the dvd. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: get the dvd? all right. it's great to have you here. congratulations on the twerking and the whole thing. >> hey, man. [ laughter ] i appreciate. >> jimmy: watch his movie, it's called "we have a ghost." it premieres tomorrow on netflix. we'll be right back with chris distefano. covid protection.s updatd so does she. yup, these guys too. because covid is still out there, and so are you. and if your last vaccine was before september 2022, you're out there with fading protection. but an updated vaccine restores your protection. so you can keep doing you. get an updated covid vaccine and stay out there, safely.

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♪ ♪ hey, it's just not right. nah, i need to try something... new. [sfx: triangle instrument dings] “ring my bell” by anita ward. ♪ ring my bell ♪ ♪ my bell ♪ doritos, try another angle.

>> jimmy: hi, there. welcome back to the show. music from gracie abrahams is on the way. our next guest is a very funny man from new york, with a new show that teaches the young people about all the crazy things that happened before they were born. "super maximum retro show" premieres march 7th on vice tv. please welcome chris distefano.

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: wow, this is a great look. >> you like this? i feel like i look like jeffrey dahmer. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you look like you didn't get the role of jeffrey dahmer. [ laughter ] >> yeah, but yeah, they're my dad's glasses, the only thing he kept in the divorce. so i figured -- you know. >> jimmy: they've got a nice, pink tint to them. >> like that? >> jimmy: about what year did your dad wear those glasses? >> probably -- he got out of mi prison in 1983. i guess 1984, the year i was born. >> jimmy: are you responsible for any globally beloved dance moves? >> no, you know, i was watching that with anthony mackie with the twerking. no, i feel like -- i'm not a dancer. when i get very excited, like nervous, i get very itchy.

like i usually just wind up -- i guess i have a move, it's called the psoriasis. [ laughter ] it flares up. i'm always trying to hide my nipples. it's one of those things. i lost 35 pounds but i still have nipple fat. like "600 pound life." fat nipples, man. you deal with it, right? you live life. >> jimmy: is there surgery for that? is there anything you can do? >> no. there's nothing. you could cut off my nipples. but i would -- that would be sick. they're full pepperonis. but i'm from brooklyn. so -- it's what happens. >> jimmy: speaking of brooklyn, speaking of new york, you made a big announcement that you are going to be playing radio city music hall. >> i am. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. doing radio city music hall september 22nd. started comedy 12 years ago in new york at the maui taco. now which my dad owns. [ laughter ] yeah, illegally.

and -- [ laughter ] and now, you know, to do radio city -- let me -- get the tickets now. i would go get the tickets immediately. because my family, my wife and kids are puerto rican, my dad's italian, i have 450 comps. i have to give away 450 tickets for free. i'm going to be the only guy to sell out radio city and lose money. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you've got 450 people coming? >> yeah, and that's just one side of one of one part of my family. it's so -- it's going to be all puerto ricans and italians like "west side story." >> jimmy: will everybody come over to the house afterwards? >> everybody comes to the house observeds. and then that's where the fun really begins. because you have the puerto rican side that wants to have their beautiful puerto rican food, all the things that give me and you diarrhea immediately. [ laughter ] you've got to eat it. then the italian stuff. then my father, who is on this diabetes diet. i've got to get him his diabetic

bread, gluten-free everything. he couldn't care, his blood sugar -- he told me once, "the doctor said my blood sugar is never supposed to go above 100, it's 850 right now." [ laughter ] "do you think i can have one slice of cake? i feel good except my feet fell off." >> jimmy: this could be a farewell party for your dad. >> yeah, that would be it. then i'll get the -- listen, it's not all bad. i'll get to keep the glasses. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: this is a -- unlike almost anyone in comedy, you started out in the medical profession. were you a doctor? >> can you believe that? >> jimmy: it's hard to imagine. >> people are like, no he's not. no, i swear. a doctor in physical therapy. so it's not a real doctor. listen, my mother's very proud of it. but she would tell her friends, i'm an actual doctor. "barbara has a fever, what are you going to do?" "massage her elbow?" [ laughter ] "i'm not a real doctor, mom."

in the beginning -- because i left. listen, i left physical therapy. i was a licensed physical therapist. good job, good benefits, everything. mother's dream. and then i was like, i'm doing comedy. i want -- comedy's been my dream, i'm going to the maui taco, i'm going for it. my mother was, like, so upset. "he was a doctor, now he's a clown." [ laughter ] "i don't know what to do, he's an idiot just like his father!" [ laughter ] i swear, so upset. but my dad was always supportive. my mom was too, but my mom, you know -- more nervous and everything. but my dad was right away, "you live in my basement, you do this." i couldn't tell my mom that i was -- that i left my physical therapy job. my dad was like, "nobody knows how to lie to your mother better than me." [ laughter ] "i promise you, i got every line, she'll never believe it." i was like, this is great! so we kind of kept from it her for a couple of weeks. then eventually she found out that i was doing comedy.

and you know what honestly, i don't regret anything. it got me here, got me to radio city. but in the beginning, with my profession, with physical therapy, you know -- you don't -- i don't know if people know this. in the beginning, comedy is so hard to start out in stand-up. nobody will put you on stage. you have to hand out flyers for the club, they'll put you on at 2:00 in the morning on a tuesday. bring 20 people and the club will put you on, pay $5, whatever. i bartered services as a physical therapist to get on my friends' shows. my friends would be running shows, other comedians would be running these comedy shows.p"yo services here." so my friends found out. they'd be like," you're a physical therapist?" nobody has health insurance as comics. >> jimmy: and they're very unhealthy people. >> we don't have it. i can't tell you how many times i would tell my comedian friends that i'm a physical therapist, so i have a doctorate degree but i'm not a real doctor. they'd be like," that's fine, you've got to take a look."

they pull their pants down, "is that an std?" [ laughter ] i can't tell you how many comedians who are arena acts, i've looked down their penis and have to look them in the eye, "you don't have chlamydia," when i knew damn well they had chlamydia." [ laughter ] i wanted to get on their show, "so you'll be fine." >> jimmy: wow. >> it's all good. >> jimmy: you really got to know these guys in a way that no one else does -- >> jimmy, i'm telling you, you could put out -- i could guess people's netflix specials by seeing their penis. "i know who that is, i saw that in 2012 in the back of maui taco." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: your new show, "super maximum retro show," is based initially on this great twitter feed called "super '70s sports." my favorite twitter page. >> that twitter is amazing. you produced the show, you chose me to host, i appreciate it.

mike birbiglia couldn't do it so you picked me, which i appreciate. [ laughter ] '70s, '80s, '90s. it was fun for me to be a part of it because -- you know, it gave me -- i went down memory lane. if you're an older person from that generation, you'll remini reminisce. if you're a younger person, you'll see what was going on in the '70s, '80s, '90s, and realize your parents were dirtbags. [ laughter ] things were wild. >> jimmy: so i dug up something for you. because i know that the premise of the show is you show these clips to sometimes younger people, sometimes older people. this is something in the '80s, there were these 900 numbers. maybe early '90s, i don't know. celebrities would try to get you to call in to talk to them for $2 a minute. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: and let's take a look. >> okay. >> yeah, we like to rock and roll, we like to do other things too. >> call the rock line. >> we'll give you the warm, hard facts on our personal lives. >> our fans always come first. >> $2 the first minute, 45 cents

every additional minute. please ask your parents' permission. >> pump it up and turn this mother out! >> call me! >> what you doing? >> i'm waiting on calls, baby. >> i want to talk to you. 1-900-234-jose. i'll give you the latest scoop on payable and my personal life. if you want to know if i use steroid, how fast i drive, why i was carrying that gun, call 900-234-jose. >> oh my god. that? >> you know, i don't remember that. but i'm pretty positive the man that sold jose conseco the steroids on that gun was my father. [ laughter ] somebody in these glasses got him in trouble. >> jimmy: tuesday, march 7th, vice tv, "super maximum retro show" hosted by chris destefano. thank you, chris. we'll be back with gracie abrams! >> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz.

the all-electric mercedes-benz lineup is here.

>> lou: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the all-electric mercedes-benz lineup is here.

>> jimmy: thanks to anthony mackie and chris distefano. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next but first, her debut album "good riddance" is out now. here with the song "i know it won't work," gracie abrams! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ i left you here heard you keep the extra closet empty ♪ ♪ in case this year i come back and stay throughout my twenties what if i won't ♪ ♪ how am i supposed to put that gently and down the road you will love me ♪ ♪ until you resent me

hmm ♪ ♪ a part of me ♪ but i know it won't work like that ♪ ♪ moving on for once that might make it easy you know we cut all the ties ♪ ♪ but you're never really leaving and part of me wants you back ♪ ♪ but i know it won't work like that ♪ ♪ ♪ i know it won't work like that ♪ ♪ i'll open up i'm thinking everything ♪ ♪ you wish i wasn't the call was tough

but you're better off i'm being honest ♪ ♪ so won't you stop holding out for me when i don't want it just brush me off ♪ ♪ 'cause i'm your ghost right now your house is haunted ♪ ♪ part of me wants to walk away till you really listen ♪ ♪ i hate to look at your face and know we're feeling different ♪ ♪ cause part of me back but ♪ ♪ i know it won't work like that ♪ ♪ why won't you try that might make it easy ♪ ♪ you know we cut all the ties but you're never really leaving ♪ ♪ and part of me wants you back but i know it won't work like that ♪ ♪ ♪ i know it won't

work like that oh ♪ ♪ oh oh i know it won't work like that ♪ ♪ and part of me wants to walk away till you really listen i hate to look ♪ ♪ at your face and know that we're feeling different cause part of me wants you back but ♪ ♪ i know it won't work like that no ♪ ♪ why don't you try moving on for once ♪ ♪ that might make it easy you know we cut all the ties but you're never really leaving ♪ ♪ and part of me wants you back but i know it won't work like that ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

tonight, the war in ukraine one year later. we're on the ground with the youngest victims. >> children have been forced out of their homes, they've been made refugees, they've been orphaned, they've been maimed, and hundreds of them have been killed. >> forced to live with the horrors, the bombs and blight. entire towns and cities wiped out, filled with rubble and debris, with no end in sight. >> when you hear the sound of the air raid sirens, does it make you afraid? does it make you think, maybe there are more bombs coming? >> their childhoods stolen. >> they lost a lot of things.