tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC March 16, 2023 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
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know if you read this, more than 30 new emojis are coming to the iphone. which caramel? which emoji? do you think you use the most beer emojis, the bira money. well i went through your text today are text together the one you use most when you're texting with me. you know what? that is no hands. that's true that's good. that means when your phone dies, it's going to heaven exactly. but now you're gonna have more choices. the new emojis include moose emoji. it's a big win for canada, a jellyfish. big win for ted cruz haircut. and ginger. thank goodness i've been begging for, uh, ginger emoji. for some time we got a jellyfish in a hair pig. it's still no meatball emoji. how many angry faces do i have to send before i get the meatball emoji. another attack on the italian people is what that is, and this is the basketball tournament is underway right now so happy. 10
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bucks the drill at the office today, and it's also that time of year when the sun crosses the equator and the cloud cover parts to reveal a remote mountain valley where the magical fictional gonzaga university. his fabled to exist , even though it only lives in our imaginations. i've been sounding the alarm for years now that gonzaga is not a place it's a fake school name cooked up to win basketball tournaments. and of course, i get pushed back from the students and the staff who go to gonzaga in the same way. santa and his elves go to the north pole. it's not it's the jorge santos. cb universities is what it is. tomorrow they play grand canyon university, which also sounds made up, but i really don't i mentioned that i don't want to get another big argument with the gonzaga people about whether they exist. and you know why i'm afraid of ghosts, okay? donald trump's having another very bad
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week. it may be his last week as an unindicted man. remember that perfect call he made asking the georgia secretary of state to find him 11,000 votes will. apparently there's another recording of another call this one made to the georgia speaker of the house member of the grand jury reported hearing a second recording in which trump tries to pressure the state speaker. to overturn the election. basically trump tried to order the presidency over the phone that it was a stuffed crust pizza. one of the grand jurors, senator lindsey graham testified that trump was so crazy after he lost the election, he said if someone told trump that aliens came down and stole trump ballots, trump would have believed it. surprised. i didn't tell him that it would have been more plausible than what they did tell them, but so that's what's happening in georgia. at the same time, we have prosecutors in new york, indicating that criminal charges are likely for trump in the stormy daniels. hush money case , trump and you're not gonna believe this. swears he did nothing wrong there, either. he says he didn't have an affair
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with stormy daniels and his former lawyer, rudy giuliani says there's nothing to see here at all. he didn't commit a crime. it's not a crime. so let's go back. it's the stormy daniels matter. that's what we have been led to believe here, apparently in their stormy and i know what you mean. i don't think you have to be a lawyer. understand this. it's a free country if you want to write a check for $130,000 and give it to somebody you can, right. right there's nothing weird about having your lawyer write a check for $130,000 to a horn star presidents do that all the time. who did it, reagan did it. why do you think they called him? chester arthur because he loved porn stars. this is some argument who believes this argument. the lawyer running point for trump right now is a guy named joe tacopina, who seems to have been born in the
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ashtray of rudy giuliani's lincoln continental. he's it looks like he holds meetings in the back office at the bottom being denied from day one, he is an extortion victim, since when we decided to start prosecuting extortion victims, it's actually a crime of extortion is being victimized by the system, and it makes me sick to my stomach. and he did everything the right way. he did nothing wrong. we are distorting laws to try and bag. president trump it's he hawk attorney at law. it's a match. eo had better representation in my cousin vinny. then donald trump has this man trump is either going to jail for zero years or 1000. there's nothing in between. meanwhile the justice department yesterday released new footage that was used to convict one of the storm trumpers who attacked the capital on january 6th, and she had to see she seems very sweet.
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told me oh, god. i can't believe that woman is the governor of arkansas now. saint patrick today begins just like a few minutes. we and we have many annual traditions here on our show, none more cherished than this one. every year. in the middle of march, we turn the clock back to 2006 when nbc 15 and mobile alabama aired a report about a leprechaun siding that i believe to be the single greatest local news story of all time. curiosity leads to large crowds in mobiles, crichton community many of you bring
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binoculars can quarters, even camera phones to take pictures to me. leprechaun to me. i got to look up in the chief who else level cry and say yes. yeah, but . to the eyewitnesses say. eyewitnesses say the leprechaun only comes out at night. if you shine a light in its direction, it suddenly disappears. this cemetery immediately say the leprechaun looks like that is the mona lisa of amateur sketches. that should be hanging either in the loop. on the living room of my home, find it hard to believe and have come up with their own theories and explanations for the image crackhead stuff told me to up in the tree and play a leprechaun. pretty solid explanation to me anyway. it happened today and don't you
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track you know, the price of beer is up this year because of inflation and supply and some other factors. so we thought it would be nice tonight to give some people on the street a chance to win some cold, hard cash, and it's time now to play. boulevard where announcer lose standing by with our first contestant. hey, lou, how you doing? hey, what's going on, jimmy? have you bedded these contestants? have you met them? i have. they're nice. they're kind and they need money. okay great. lynn where are you from? lynn hi. i'm from connecticut. what part of connecticut from hartford, connecticut. and you here on vacation right now for spring break. very good on spring break. did you come by yourself or with friends? no. i came with my cousin. okay you have a cousin named lin? yes, i do. unimaginative family, right? i don't believe my aunt's name. i'm gonna take a guess. is it
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lin senior rosalind? okay? gotta let a lot of lending going . alright so here's how this works, lynn, i'm gonna ask you to identify whose face is on a coin. and if you get it right, you keep the coin. if you get it wrong, you lose. okay but then you can walk away at any time. by the way, all right. okay here we go. okay first up the penny lynn, who's on the penny, um the penny is abraham lincoln. correct, lynn. you got in the bank. now it's decision time. do you want to keep that penny? or do you want to risk it and keep going? keep going going to go for it. everybody. i like jack. land and whose face is on the nickel. i believe it's thomas jefferson is correct.
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left six cents. now. do you want to keep that sixth sense? i want to keep going. keep going. lin? yes. whose face is on the dime. um well done for d, um roosevelt. franklin d. roosevelt on believe. you, maybe two people in the audience knew the answer to that. alright, lin, you've got 16 senses might be the most anyone has ever won. do you want to keep going? i think so. gonna keep oh, my goodness. who is on the quarter? um on the quarter is george washington then?
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racing right now? mine is all right now. lin what do we have? let me see. let's add it up. i think you got 41 cents now in that right, lou? yes, it is. okay. all right, lynn. now this is where it gets tough. 50 cent piece. do you want to guests, or do you want to keep the money you have i wanna guess you want to guess lynn, who is on the 50 cent coin. um. i think it's jfk is a. mention this is airing live in 115 countries right now, then you're on a roll. we're through the coins, and now we're gonna go to the paper money who is on the dollar bill in george
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washington. going? linda who is on the $5 bill abraham lincoln. so let's add this up now. that's $6 between 6 75 6 85 $696.91 you've got you can take that right now. you can walk out of here. never look back. you could just take it and go and spend it on. i don't know, maybe a muffin or something like that. or you can keep going. what do you want to do? lynn? i want to keep going. never lin who is on the $10 bill, um, on the $10 bill is oh, i believe it's hambleton.
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fire, jimmy. total and i'm going to have to add it up by hand again. you've got. i don't know how much lynn 16 96 16 96 thank you, lou for adding them keeping track of that. please keep track of the next one. lynn. you wanna keep the money you want to keep going? i want to keep going. it's hard to believe that just a few days ago i was hosting the oscars. lin, wh bill. um. this was a tough is i gotta i think it's jackson.
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. ievable. we've got a 15. we've got 100. you feel confident enough to keep going? those ones are my favorite. who is on the $50 bill. um grant, ulysses grant absolute. let's just go. this one's not too hard, who is on the $100 bill benjamin franklin. witnessing absolutely history, lynn what are you gonna do with that money? lin? it's my birthday tomorrow, probably stranded gift. birthday and
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please enjoy that $186.96. the biggest prize ever for on the money, everybody flynn. jennings of this game. incredible. and lynn. give my best to all the other lens in your family. alright alright. of course. all right. we got a good show for you tonight from from the series. you lucas gauges here we have music from right. mhm. abc jimmy brought to you by verb. oh, so cozy rooms are in there. should we go check it out good to stay here all weekend, verbal doing the door co host doesn't stay with you. it looks exactly like the picture because without privacy in your vacation home, full log cabin guys, it isn't
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and then later she's written songs for john legend, david guetta, beyonce and many more now she is writing for herself. her albums called my 21st. century blues ray from the mercedes benz stage. five new shows with guests, including jeff goldblum again or for hudson, julie bowen, giancarlo esposito, molly shannon, with music from larkin, poe, nickel creek and depeche mode to so point it please join us for all that. our first guest tonight is a an emmy winning actor, writer , producer and lonely island inhabitant whom you can hear while imagining his face as the title character and the new animated series dig hman. it premieres wednesday on comedy central, please welcome andy samberg.
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thanks for coming, okay? here's what happened. okay recently had a cl surgery. oh, no. and my doctor said that i wasn't allowed to walk from there to here without a giant brace, and i didn't want my jeans to look lumpy. so i went with that you don't want one p jeans, you know, i think you made the right choice. good energy, i think are you walking around on crutches? or you have a chair? what got off the crunches. thank you for asking your welcome to see you happy that it's great to see you too. i'm sorry this happened to you. how did it happen to you? i was playing soccer. football yeah, beautiful game, and then i planted my foot and it exploded . great exploded and everyone heard it, pop, apparently no, and i knew everyone knew it was bad because everyone walked over and went uk
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at you and john mulaney. we're supposed to be guests on the show isn't regular show tested positive for covid for the second time for the civil any time? it's kind of technically the first time, but it's all in one. it's a long story. it was a boomerang thing, but you guys said okay, i asked, would you guys host the show for me and then interview each other? yes you did do that. and i thought it was just great. and i did you have fun doing that. thank you. yeah no, it was not fun, calvin . nope super stressful. i found that i did not like the job. you didn't. yeah. and also it's weird for me now being back because i know having hosted how much you hate the guests, you know, like, sit across from you, and i was like, i know jimmy outside of the show a little. he's a good guy. i know he likes me there. but when i'm behind the desk, i'm like you want to talk more about your project,
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you know? did you feel that with john? is that what you're? are you projecting? john is my friend but during the show hated him. well, it didn't seem like it at all. it seems like you guys had a really good time. it was really fun. um, you are. did you feel that nancy w bracket? do you do that kind of thing? i do. i'm glad you brought this up, actually, because since i was going to be on television, which is this? mm hmm. hmm do the brackets every year march madness, and i thought this year since i was on your show, i would put my picture on the record so people would know that's a good idea how legit the reality is if you get it right. it's a huge deal. but if you don't if you get it wrong, nobody will even remember. you're just like most people in your office. who do you have? do you want to read? you want to just one team that wins or how do you want to you? i want to say a few pics. i'm a little bit daring. and i think people are gonna gonna be like what? and then you'll see that i was right. okay. okay. so in the south bracket, i got ziploc state, and then i got texas tea and a. and then i got
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newcomb. and then i got the o state school of clowning. yeah and then after that, i got per don't. then i got zendaya, okay? state zendaya state state. and then i got a good run picks. i think this is just the south bracket. yeah yeah. sorry i mean, i'm into the east now. okay. alright colgate. okay crest. aquafresh. , and they're usually not good at sports, but it and then sensodyne state, okay? then i got the tallahassee culinary institute. okay g, i f gotcha. state. t g i f state? ye
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i got miss mcgillicuddy school for wayward dentists. okay i think they're going to make some noise. university of france university of francis in this one, yeah. jimmy having me on the show. there's some more more. thanks for having me on my new show diamond. okay, here we go. i got hogwarts, okay? i'm picking. what's the matter? you. think that some three point shooter. have you t i on there is in here. yeah we're finally into the west in the west. all right, i got m i t
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romney. yeah ? the burger king kids club and then my last pick whatever school they went to in the mighty ducks. three. okay. alright, alright. on the record . put those on our website. so people get they didn't follow it along. they can. i can't wait them down. everyone's face when i get it. all right, you brought. gosh i really want to mention this because you brought something i did. this is not a goof at all. this isn't a letter you wrote when you were eight years old. yes to yourself, mom. has been cleaning out the basement at my parents' house, and she sends me boxes of stuff. she's like this is all your stuff. and i opened this box and this is a letter. i was in third grade. i was eight years old, and they asked you to do a thing where you write what you think you'll be doing in 20 years is so great. it's great that your
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mom saved us syria. andy samberg. do you want me to read it or it's up to you. okay. andy samberg will be 28 years old 20 years from now, i was eight. he will be a comedian and make a lot of money after he has made 1,281,300. and have two kids will make them clean the kitchen while he watches the football game. since they do so much work. andy will give them $10 a week for allowance. his kids will be happy his wife will be happy and he will be very, very happy the end it's it was. because you got any wife. you got two kids. are they cleaning up while you watch football? i mean, my youngest is one and, yes. did they give them allowance? no we've instead of giving the allowance that's the one difference. we just give them everything they asked for all the time. yeah we feel like
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that's going to be a good way for them to learn about the world. and make us feel glad we raised them in los angeles. yeah, yeah. yeah well, that's that's pretty great. i love that . you have. that must have been just so tickled when you found that was and i don't put this lightly tripping out. yes, sure. be a psychic. i'm gonna revisit your pics is what i'm gonna do picks sandberg is here. his new show is called big minutes. come on now now
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here. it's a dead end. there's always a way even if you have to make it yourself. and here it is god filled with snakes. let me guess. you hate snakes. i love them. yeah i love them. and i always have because i'm my own unique character. okay i'm not based on anyone else. didn't think you were since i am legally my own person who is not afraid of snakes. i'll just reach into this alcove and move some of them aside. pardon me. nice snakes high there and the lever. now you're on the trolley that is annie samba. you can wednesday night at 10 30 on comedy central. that's the you play like an indiana jones type adventurer. yes it's set in the world where archaeologists are the coolest celebrities in the world, which is you know what indiana jones would have us believe kind of that's right. yeah i detected a little bit of nicolas cage in there, which i know is maybe a scotia jimmy. hmm. maybe a skosh. i'll say
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this. you know, i used to do an impression of nick cage on snl, right was the joy of my life, and he in my last season came on the show and did it with me, which was a dream come true, and he added something to the piece we did on we can update which was pointing out that i wasn't really doing an impression of him, but rather a psychotic character of my own origination. uh, and i thought you're right, nic cage. i'm gonna make a show about that character. is that where it hits you? that's a little bit. i mean, it did make me start thinking like it would be fun to keep doing that voice and make it something new. no you based this on this psychotic character slash nick cage. i don't think that's gonna come up. you don't think it's gonna go? i don't see nick cage sitting at home, just like checking out comedy central. you gotta i don't know you're following south park. a lot of people do sit home, and that's true for be a south park head. mm hmm. lot of you do a lot of projects, some of them with your
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friends. who do you like discussed like when you're deciding what you're going to do is there? do you just decide or you discussed this with someone ? or how do you work that consult my team and how many people are on this team of yours? like at any one time. yeah. like nine. actually they're here right now. you want me to bring him out? not at all. but okay. baseball team. yes, they are. say hello to the calabasas cardinals. jimmy. best team west of the 405 freeway. i'm sure they're great. hi kids. how you doing? but i was like, you know when most actors you kids know this when most actors say they have a team, they mean like an agent manager, publicist, lawyer at cetera, right? i'm not most actors, jimmy, and, uh, in fact , many people don't even really
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consider me to be an actor at all. what do you mean by that? i think i've thought of more as just like a guy that's in stuff. oh okay. who's that? stevens spielberg. spielberg spielberg is on the phone. yeah. yeah okay, so just tell him that i can't talk and tell him that i'm doing oprah right now. okay? i can't talk right now he's doing oprah talking into the number three is alive. look alive, buddy. why didn't doing oprah instead of being here because i wanted steven spielberg to be impressed. alright so you got big man coming out next week. and what do you got going on after that well yeah, right. okay i'm gonna have to pass on that question. why he gave me the take signal. yeah they look, that's why i pay him the big bucks. you pay these kids? of course. i got to get a
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little taste. how much does he give you? how much do you give them? you know, just the standard commission 25% 25. to this group of children. they earned every penny. jimmy they do. yeah i mean, these kids have carried me through a lot. you know, when i totaled my prius number four pulled me out of the wreckage and put me in the passenger seat before the cops even showed up. wow. nicely done. thanks for that for you know when i tore my a c l number eight scored me the dopest off brand painkillers from the dark web. wow. went through some crazy to get it to tell you that . yeah ah, you seem very close to the kids that were like a family, right? what do we always say? kids? that's right. there's no iron andy, unless. it's andie macdowell yeah. oh yes, he does. interesting spelling. yeah alright. well that makes sense effort. guys
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here have some orange slices. here we go. oranges at them too, huh? yeah hey, who wants to go to damon busters? crispy chicken bites on me. now go pull the van around. i'll meet you kids out there. they drive the kids. well, that's. but a sweet thing you're doing now with those children out to destroy them at skee ball, okay, andy samberg, everybody is new shows gold digger. so far. than thanks, lucas cage. diabetes discover the olympic tri zone. in my olympic tri zone. i lowered my a one cc b risk and last some weeks in studies, the majority of people reached an a one c under seven and maintained it was epic lowers the risk of major
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it's going good. how are you doing? i'm doing great. you were super funny on white lotus. i thought i really enjoyed that. you hear that all the time? congrats to you on a little, a little show called the oscars. thank you very much host. very nice to say that, but we're going to focus on your excellence here, lucas because you are well, you guys shot that , as i think most people know. you shot that show in hawaii during during the kind of heat of covid you guys all live together in this abandoned hotel . basically right? insane so did you feel like did you bond more than you might with another group of actors like are you still like, in close contact. i think you're you're locked in the four seasons with these iconic comedians, and there's nobody else in the hotel. it's just you guys so i became very close with them. um molly shannon and jennifer coolidge and particular not to name drop
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drop names. drop it right, but a little fact about molly shannon is she loves reality tv stars, okay, and a little fact about me is i also love reality tv. which ones do you love? 90 day fiance? thank you love after lockup, the vow the nexium cults. so yeah, that's a good that was. would you consider that a reality show? i mean, that kind of it's a document actually happened actually happened. um yeah, so we really shared our bond of that show and i started a group chat with some of the former members of nexium. some of the former members of 90 day fiance and molly shannon is in those group chats. hold on a second. yeah how do you start a text chain with members of a sex cult like how do you even get in touch with them the first place i said, i'm doing a lot of research on this show called white lotus. uh huh. get into character. there's a lot of crazy situations and i'm in the
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show. no, no, i just i just don't know. i just said them again in person there again. i just say i'm a huge fan, and i really just think it's so brave that they made the show and you gave them your telephone number . we're going to have my phone number run texting chain. we talk all the time. they love you. season four. they're my only fans. and then the 90 day fiance who are the characters from 98 8 fiance. you're texting with darcy and stacy. i need them to find love and invested subject matter their shows or do you text about all manner of things all matters of things, but they're they don't like my hype, woman they god just keep killing it. i want her to find love and it's a beautiful friendship with some very strange friendship. yeah wow. how about that? we're gonna have to ask molly shannon about that. she may be in danger. you may be putting an american treasure in dangerous. sorry, molly. yeah.
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you brought a photo from? and but before i show the photo, please tell us what we're about to see here. maybe shocking. i'm an alert viewers. young viewers , discretion is advised well. as an actor. you are put in a lot of makeup. i'm talking pounds of makeup and you have to get facial skies need facials to normalize that, um and i went to get a facial and i'm i'm getting it done and the facialist is looking at me really weird like she's very shocked by my face, and she's like, you know, your eyebrows are uneven. i was like they are. i don't think they are like no, they're they're uneven babes. um so i don't listen to her. but i go home and i look in the mirror and i'm like oh, my god. my eyebrows are uneven, uneven, so i go back. two days later. i go to the facialist said let's let's fix this eyebrow and she gave me a unit of botox on my eyebrow. and
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that's supposed to fix the uneven, i guess. yeah, everyone , no one's symmetrical. so i, um i was just obsessed with that eyebrow ever since, she said it like it's just one little poke, and it will be normal. and i got that little poke and, um, and here this is what happened. this is, um one of the dangers, i guess. how long did you have this? um half closed? i so this this is something called toast, sis. ah 2% of people who get botox experiences seems too high . seems way too high. she didn't tell me beforehand. uh huh. that's bad. yeah it's bad, and that was my eye for six weeks and the character, uh, just has sunglasses on for the residents coming up. i wrote a letter i wrote this long letter being like, what if he gets a black guy? what if you know his? his wedding is coming up? what if he just gets botched and they're like we're just gonna put you in
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sunglasses. definitely distracts from your very uneven eyebrows. i mean, that's for sure. there's still on even let me tell you something still lopsided to tell you something. i mean, this. your eyebrows are magnificent. thank you ever let anyone. here. i can't imagine having better eyebrows than that. and don't let these crazy people tell you to get shots in your face. i know. i know. i think it's a lesson for everyone out there. everybody's face. no one's face is symmetrical, not supposed to be a little off in a little different, and i think this was a this was a hard and fast lesson learned that, um botox is not for me. maybe you've been years and years. well, it's great to have your lucas gauge. everybody is. netflix now and if you're if you're a member of a sex called and you'd like to get in touch with lucas, find him on instagram. we'll be back with ray. jimmy kimmel live concert
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electric mercedes benz slide up is here. thanks to andy samberg and lucas gauge apologies, and matt damon nightline is next. but first album is called my 21st century blues here with the song ice cream man, ray. on the deal. he told me. hey, i really like what you were doing. he told me come around to the studio. let's cook it. he told me come to catch a vibe and make some music. but when i got this should have heard what he was saying, trying to touch me trying to me. i'm not playing. i should have left that place as soon as i walked in them days. you do that to me and really like the ice queen felt his eyes cold. hey price now on them. everything anything that left me and i'm going. no i didn't say a
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word. i guess that proves ah. gravestone. and i'll be down. the walk out. a broken for a moment. i know it's even harder to break the law. it was a girl. now i'm going. mhm very, very stone. our 7 17 11. it took a while to understand what my consent me if i was ruthless, they'd be in the penitentiary all the stress of being honest with me. i pushed it down, but it was living in me or free and then i fell into something one healthy place where no one home me asking them
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to help me needed help common like ice, felt his eyes cold head paid the price now. didn't sell that proves sorry. very brave, strong woman. now be done, ruined, walk. talk hard. do it, man. i've been broken for moment i've been doing oh, it's even harder to break the law. no girl, i'm gonna. mm yeah. could save you how how i felt
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this is nightline tonight inside the mind of gpt four, the latest version of the artificial intelligence powered chatbot that could reshape society. this will be the greatest technology humanity has yet developed. we visit the headquarters for an exclusive with the company's ceo ended up close. look at what the technology can do, fueling hopes and fears about the dangers it could pose. i think people should be happy that we're a little bit scared of this. i think people speak little bit scared a little bit. yeah, of course. plus selena gomez. good enough candidate mission from the look at her now singer about what was behind those picture
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