tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC March 27, 2023 11:35pm-12:36am PDT
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. >> from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmell live"! tonight, chris klein, dave burke and music from the warren treaty with cleto and the now jimmy kimmel! >> thank you. thank you. very nice to see you. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] >> we thank you for joining us on spring break. thank you. that's quite enough of that. thank you. it was a big week of basketball.
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did you watch any of the games guillermo? >> no, jimmy. my son kevin and i went to the lakers-bulls game yesterday my son is a bulls fan for reasons we don't understand but the bulls won. wasn't a close game but lebron came back. some of the bulls used to be lakers including patrick beverly. they traded him. seems like he's mad because twice final minute he hell his nose as if to say the lakers stink and i wish this was on camera but i'm in front of him, fans behind said the lakers wish they still had you and he did this and said i got no heart. i'm the scarecrow. i got no heart. i didn't have the heart to tell him it was the tin man had no hearted, not the scarecrow.
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eye roingly the scarecrow had no brain. seemed like he was going through enough. in the ncaa this final four was on nobody's bracket. five seeds miami staifg state nine seed florida atlantic four seeded uconn playing for national title uconn advanced after beating gonzaga university and strange turn of event i found myself rooting for this imaginary school on saturday. i was in on gonzaga because they're the ultimate cinderella story, like cinderella fictional characters. i've been sounding the alarm gonzaga is only a basketball team. in spokane, washington which is like the north pole to gonzaga santa claus, my crusade to expose the truth about this is causing some of the local news to question whether they've been duped too. >> it all started in 2019 ncaa tournament when kimmel incested gonzaga did not exist. >> i'm saying he needs to come
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visit gonzaga. >> we will show him around. >> we want to get kimmel in spokane on g.u. campus. use the hashtag. >> let's use that hashtag and give jimmy best evidence why gonzaga exists. >> we are real. it's a place. we have been there. >> it's like take me to the cornfield and do away with them. >> no, no. no one ever mentioned me being killed in a cornfield. now i'm definitely not going up there. if i did eight people would be standing there waiting to laugh at me but for the time being like the easter bunny or halloween gonzaga gonzaga disappears from the earth another year. if you don't understand this is a hoax get scrabble tiles. if you change the z and be s
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spells george santos. [applause] >> playing the congressman. congressman george must be missing being on the news every night because he for some reason decided to shoot a video, reviewing the new nasa state suit. >> zone congressman george santos i'm going to give the fashion review of the new lunar suit. i personally like it. i like orange. i think it gives it a lot of personality. it's a pretty cool looking suit. i known everybody is used to the floatyness but the orange gives it a pop-up color and this looks like the future. >> i didn't think much of the dialogue of the congressman but i like a fashion policeman, i like a lot.
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>> with this announcement of going back to the moon in this awesome suit, love the orange, thumbs up from george santos. >> that the come from a guy been to the moon many times and donald trump was up posting about his possible indictment which means he's ether nervous or the chef mixed top of anti-depresents and in his food. oh wait. that's kanye west who posted that. i don't know if you heard he likes jewish people now, thanks to a stand out performance from jonah hill and 21 jump street. they're saying this might be the
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time in history that anti-semitism has been defeated by a rerun on tbs. the other kanye west wing had a rally in waco 30th anniversary of the siege that killed 86 people there. you know that happened with the branch davidians. trump chose waco because it's a powerful metaphor for his campaign. liberace made time for a personal attack on his own flame stormy daniels. >> who is investigating me for something that is not a crime not a misdemeanor not an i never liked horseface. it's terrible to say. that wouldn't be the one. there is to one. we have a great first lady.
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>> yes, her name is jill biden but just to be clear, he didn't do it. [applause] >> he wouldn't do it. but if he had done it he wouldn't have done it with her. after the rally stormy in response to a tweet that said, president trump wouldn't touch you would a ten foot pole replied, true, he used a three-inch one. [laughter]. >> and won the day. congratulations. >> today by the way happens to be a very notable day in history you know what day snits it's the 25th anniversary fda approval of viagra for use. viagra has changed life for the better for millions of american men and for the worst for millions of american women but today commemorated in occasion a pfizer headquarters where they were partying hard.
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it's the disgusting brothers. [applause] >> i don't know if you watched the seen premier of on hbo. we sent guillermo to cover it the way only guillermo can. ♪ ♪ >> i'm here for the red carpet for the show, subsection, succ succession. i don't watch the show but it's going to be fun. who is this guy, in the show? >> hi. how are you? listen. i never watched the show. i never watched it. >> it's not very good. it's just a lot of chat. >> what is this show about? >> it's about a media family and it's also about a guy and his life and he's really funny.
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>> you play tom? >> yeah, he's crismatt mike. >> is he the most handsome guy in the show? >> he is. >> i don't watch the show. >> i don't watch yours either. go ahead. >> what is the show about? >> it's about nurse medical equipment stuff like that. >> what happened the first two seasons? >> first two seasons what can i say? somebody killed somebody. somebody tried to cover up for it. somebody got married. somebody took over the business. somebody fought to take over the business and they didn't. >> kind of boring right? >> yeah. >> succession. >> secession. >> i love you in the home alone movie. >> no, some other guy. >> yeah, that one. that was a great movie.
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>> thank you very much. i love getting a day off. >> i love it too. >> can you tell jimmy i deserve a day off. >> jimmy guillermo deserves a day off. >> don't have no action nothing like that. >> i do on the show. >> i don't watch the show. why should i watch the show? >> neither do i. >> you know what time it is? it's time to pick a bitty baby from the baby bag. cloems your eyes. now you got to pick one. so, it's so, how do you >> sapphire. do i get to keep this. >> yes. it's a good luck. thank you so much. how are you, sir? how are you doing? hi, how are you?
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you look beautiful. every time i see your husband i got so happy. >> every time i see you, you look happy. >> you know why? because i drink a lot of tequila. you want a shot is that. >> i love tequila. >> i give you a shot right now. >> [bleep] business is fine. >> how come you didn't wait for me? >> where is yours? >> we will fill one more. >> succession. >> is >> i don't know. i never see him. >> is cousin real tall in real life? >> no. he's just a really good >> i'll have him begging for more. >> you got to sell it. >> this is my favorite one.
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>> okay. >> i might look like a little bitch but that's only because i am. [laughter]. >> cousin drinks tequila too. how do you say, succession? >> succession. think of suck. think of a session of sucking. suction. >> can you get rid of this? thank you very much. >> that is superb. >> if you like a shot of tequila. >> you smell like tequila. >> are you the one who always sees pictures. down want to see one? >> um. >> here.
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later husband and wife team, their album lovers game war and treaty. we have quite a week shows with ben affleck viola davis cousin greg nicolas braun, roy kent, rhett goldstein, jason bateman, music from chloe straight kid daniel caeser. no actor all of hollywood can match our charisma, starting friday he rolls on dungeons and dramatic ons only in theaters please welcome chris pine.
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♪ ♪ >> thank you very much. >> yeah. >> please. >> let's keep that music going. >> what's going on here chris? >> all that drinking guillermo is doing. okay. so, the flower is a gift that i got backstage but it is fresh and beautiful. >> how sweet. >> i want to pole skwiels for being covid last time. >> it's not your fault. you know you should apologize if you come with covid. >> thank you very much. >> gift number 2 is a wine called miss savvy b, the sweet
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neck tar from los feliz. >> for real? >> swear to god. >> you grow wine at los feliz? >> i grow grapes. the wine isn't made there. >> i'll drink it. i like that you're doing that. like my grandparents used to do that. the grape truck would come around the neighborhood in brooklyn. everybody would buy grapes. in the basemet they would make the most disgusting wine possible. >> true? >> absolutely true. then they put soda because it's italian when the wine isn't good you pour soda in it, doesn't taste as bad. >> what soda? >> like sprite or something like that. >> is it national viagra day? >> it's the anniversary of viagra, 25th anniversary. did you feel like you missed something? you continue seem like a man
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that required viagra. i could be wrong. >> tuesdays. >> viagra tuesday. so you want to hang out until the only then? i think there's a couple of ladies. >> yeah. she saw things. >> congratulations on this movie of yours which is being very well received. >> i got to tell you it's nice in people like a film. >> what do you do when you come here and you know you got a dock on your hands? >> i'm not going to tell you. i don't want to give away my secret. look. i play make believe for a living. i can always find something fun to talk about. >> so it's agoing in a way. >> it's a pure con. >> yes, it is. it's a way of tricking people out of like $13. [laughter] >> yeah but this one you don't have to trick. it's relaxing. >> yeah. we were in westwood. we were all over the world
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berlin paris london a full tour and last night westwood my favorite theater in l.a. this gorgeous old, i don't know if it's deco but a beautiful l.a. theser. which one? >> the westwood. >> oh yeah. where all the big premiers. >> across from diddy reese. it was like a rock concert. >> dump bring people? >> i brought 60 people. >> like your whole family? >> family friends of family, from off the street, >> so somebody wondering if they're your friend or night and didn't get invited last night, the answer is no? >> thanks, pal. [laughter]. >> yeah, it was a fun night. >> people loved the movie. >> people liked the movie, yeah. and then afterward you go to the
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party, everybody shaking your hand, you're feeling good you got a hit on and i'm feeling great shaking hands, thank you so much. >> yeah sure. >> and then these two beautiful women come up to me shake my hand and say, the movie was so great, thank you so much. is your father here? >> really? >> my father is on the tv show, going [bleep]. so i end up have to shower. my father takes selfies. this gaggle people that surrounded my father, stole my thunder. >> he did. wait until tuesday. you were very hairy last time on the show, you had a big beard, you really were doing. >> that's the beard. >> what happened, did you get
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bugs in that thing? >> in the death of summer in burbank 110 degrees i was like i'm not liking this. and then i said screw it, i went home and shaved the whole thing which felt great for about 5 minutes but then i realized how much gray hair i have. >> this is a photo of your long hair beardless but i heard you say something. i heard you say something about this and what it made you feel like. >> i don't know what it made me feel like, but so, okay. let's just bring this down. this guy is feeling it feeling very cool. this is right before my public assist says i look like rachel from "friends". [applause] >> why is that not a huge
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compliment? [laughter] >> yeah. well, yeah. i mean yeah. you should have thank you is what you should have said. >> no, i shouldn't have, man. >> why? >> because. >> listen. have you ever seen a better looking human being than this right here? come on now. not a chance. >> no, i'm not taking anything away from jenner is. i'm a man. >> you're into hair. >> we will take and commercial break check in and see. yes. i'll check your parts. >> check my parts? >> you brought me flowers and wine. got to do something. movie dungeons and dragons, honor among thieves. honor among thieves. be right back.
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dragons on or about among thieves. it's got 95 percent iron on tomatoes. >> the audience is i've got to tell you. this is not bs but seeing it with a group of people remind you of how awesome a cinema experience can be. why you make it, why you go to it. . >> just finished directing. you wrote directed and starred in a movie. >> yes. >> who sells in that movie? annette benning, clancy brown. we have -- >> now we are getting too deep. i stop you at tovalowski. devito makes everything fun. many times and he's always so much fun even in the
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commercials. >> that, what i learned from devito is like a life lesson you face everything with absolute joy. lunchtime is joyful. it's always positive. he loves bits. he loves getting into it. >> what does that movie come out? >> i don't know. >> okay. i'm curious about dungeons and dragons. have you played that? >> played it twice. >> so you're not going to pretend to be a master. because we have someone on our staff who we learned as we were talking about this movie is a dungeon master. >> does anybody play here? >> no. >> you know what, it's one of
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the questions we asked at the door. so lets bring our co-workerers out here. we have three. chris you have to find out who is the dungeon master. >> all right. now, you need any help with questions you've been asked? this is tim. this is megan. our announcer. megan casting and tim is a field producer. one of these people is a dungeon master. you're sizing them up. what are your thoughts right now? time to settle? >> scare them. >> okay. they do look terrified. >> d adam d in town being attacked by a dragon. instead of dealing with a monster they cute with a half elf. how do you get them back on
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track? >> dragon takes the cute mpc away. >> oh, okay. >> does that make sense? >> run in snatch it. megan you agree? >> i would say pishl wasting time. >> i would say the elf girl was a dragon all along. >> all right. >> you're guessing already? >> no. we should ask more questions. >> can i tell you something? you're absolutely right. megan is the dungeon master. >> help girl. >> tim is also a dungeon master, lou is too. we are all dungeon mass terms. they don't work here. then there's more dungeon
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masters we didn't know about who work here! >> how many do you have? >> turns out we have a few too many. are you guys excited to go see the movie? >> absolutely. >> do you have anything you would like to present as a gift for chris pine? >> yes. i give you the sever pent. >> after great peril i give you my elven ear. >> ear. lou? i can't believe you're parting with this. >> i saw many folks with may its steel protect you. wow. >> dungeon and drag oranges honor among thieves opens friday! friday! we will be back with dave berg.
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so cozy. how many rooms are in there? should we go check it out? yeah. we get to stay here all weekend! when you stay at a vrbo... i call doing the door code! ...the host doesn't stay with you. it looks exactly like the picture. because without privacy in your vacation home... it's a full log cabin guys. ...it isn't really a vacation... we can snuggle up by the fire. ...is it? wow, oh my- [birds chirping] (music) sunday through tuesday, get 40% off everything at oldnavy.com ♪ ain't nothin' gonna break my stride. ♪ ♪ nobody's gonna slow me down. ♪ ♪ oh no, i got to keep on moving. ♪ ♪ ain't nothin' gonna break my stride. ♪ wherever you are. be there with starbucks ready to drink coffee.
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♪ ♪ why are there two extra seats? are we getting a dog? wherever you are. a great dane? two great danes?! i know. giant uncle dane and his giant beard. maybe a dragon? no, dragons are boring. twin sisters! and one is a robot and one is a knight. and i'll be on the side of... the octopus. rawr!!! the volkswagen atlas. more room for possibilities. your paint is really bad. what? i said, "best coffee i've ever had." (slurps) are you okay? mom, the walls look awful. what? i said, "can i have a waffle?"
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waffle... waff... waffle. thank you. should've used behr. sorry, sign where? no, i said, "should've used behr. it's got one-coat hide." today let's paint with behr marquee, the #1 rated interior paint. it looks great in here! behr. exclusively at the home depot. i'm jimmy dean and uh, isn't that sunrise somthin'? i honestly feel that way about jimmy dean sausage. get yourself a large chunk of that good morning feeling. boy, that smells good. mmm.
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>> welcome back. i would like to talk to you about something very important. oh no. it's a chupacabra. >> chupacabra, go away. >> that's all you do? [growling]. >> fear not. i'm chris from planet fitness. it was only a test. >> thank goodness. it was just a chupacabra test. no reason for alarm. >> had i been a real chupacabra you would be eaten. >> what is low e? >> low energy. yeah. millions of americans suffer from it including
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planet fit to get your energy up to speed. >> i will give planet fitness a try. >> well, welcome back to the show. we have a special guy with a pitch fork. guillermo! >> i got you bro! yahoo! >> my hero. >> no, thank you planet fitness! >> join today for one dollar down $10 a month cancel any down $10 a month cancel any time.
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>> you know i'm joking. >> dave premiers april 5th, please welcome dave bird. [applause] >> look at you. you look handsome all dressed up. your show is very funny. i feasted on the first three episodes. >> glad you enjoyed that. eat it up. >> i ate it, mustard and all. how are you doing? >> i'm fantastic. i got a great season coming. >> last season was your recording your debut album. >> psychological war. >> psychological war and this season you're experiencing the frults of your labor? >> yes. hitting the road tour on all
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across america seeing what's going on in this nation. >> this is something you probably like i'm sure you had that moment you realize people want to come, was it gradual or a moment you realized? >> it was pretty sudden. the internet is bizarre where can you cultivate a fan base without any experience. my first show i didn't do karaoke prior to this and i had to do like a 2,000 person performance. >> that was your first show. >> yeah. i built up the cardiostrength to make that happen and the next one i was in better shape. yeah. >> was it scary? >> scariest i hate roller coasters, out of comfort zone experiences and i'm more sit on a couch talk to jimmy kind p kind of guy. >> i would say you seem comfortable at least on the show
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very comfortable in very uncomfortable situations. >> yeah. you know. you got to write in the comedy. sometimes the comedy can get uncomfortable. >> that's right. for instance here is would you call it a device? >> i call it a device. >> yeah. >> yes, sexual safety device like an add on to the condom. >> for whom a condom is not enough protection. >> it's called the scroll bar. >> this is how you kick off the new season. this again is a realize tell? >> it's a realize tell. >> do they sell them or just make them? >> they sold them. i think the company has gone under. >> yeah. >> but you know, without being too crude the condom can only cover so much of the area of the
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body so there's a hugh pubic mound. >> and this is based on something that really went through your head. >> are you asked me if i ever used one? >> yes i am. >> yeah. one time. >> what did the young lady say? did she ask you to wear this. >> no. i was on tour much like the show, you meet people and foster rest and be like i'm coming back to the same city a year from now. i was excited to meet a woman i met the year prior so i texted her and that morning shaved my pubic hair. that's how i carry myself as a man and i nicked me pubic mound and i was like oh my god and i was like in my hotel to see if
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the condom would cover that nick so the game plan was out the window after that. then luckily one of my friends who gave me this thing as a joke and i just had it in my bag and that night you know, i was getting hot and heavy and i warned her by the way i didn't nick myself shaving so there's a limit how far we can go sexually tonight and the throw of passion all i know i said look we are not going to have sex and i said there is one way. and i pulled it out and she was accepting and it was a great experience, such peace of mind. i think everybody won the that night. >> all right. [applause] >> having sex with a balloon animal felt normal to her? >> i was touched by the whoemd experience. >> and yet you weren't touched
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at all, in a way. you got a lot of guest stars or at least the beginning of the season, i saw killer mike. >> k.m. >> i saw usher. >> first concert i went to. >> true? >> first show and i see this man. women were weeping him watching him strip down into underwear and honestly i strip down to my underwear when i give shows because of usher. i told him that on set when i met him. >> how did he react. >> he thought it was cool. >> you strip down to your underwear are you wearing the scroll bar? >> just post-concert shower. got to paigs out the night. >> who sells on the she. >> there's don cheadle, rick ross. there are people that are unbelievable i can't reveal
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them. >> in what way? >> i don't know where we go next. >> so you've got more than one star that is like at a level we won't be able to >> i can't believe i collaborated with these people. >> is it kanye west? >> no no. >> that would be a bad surprise after you shot it. is it madonna? >> no. madonna is a fan of the show. that was cool to see that. >> hear that a lot to see is that and go how can we work them in. >> i try not to think strategic lick at all times. >> sure. yeah. you have to. >> a little bit. i might have you on there. >> maybe i'm the surprise guest and even i don't know it. >> well. >> you know. >> you are actually written into the show i shouldn't have brought up but you are in the show. >> that's exciting.
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