tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC April 18, 2023 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
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>> jimmy: i appreciate it. it is tax day today, or as donald trump and amazon would call it, april fools' day. did you know tax day is the number one day american couples have, even before valentine's day. tonight i am claiming you all as dependents. children are our future and on tax day, each treasurer is worth a tax credit of $2,000. we pay tribute to our write-offs and ask a question we ask every april, are they worth it? ♪ ♪
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for any inconvenience but that is what you get for flying southwest. spirit tweeted ha ha ha. no company had a worse day than fox news. the defamation trial that was supposed to get going today ended when fox settled for $787.5 million. it will take a lot of reverse to mortgage ads to that off. fox issued a statement that said this settlement reflects fox's commitment to the highest journalistic standards. they are already lying in their statement about lying. i also want to say nice going to dominion. we thought this was about making fox news take responsibility for destroying their reputation, but no, they took the money.
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they don't have anything to say about it, no apologies, no testimony, they can go back to the country while dominion go shopping for yachts. the next time donald trump loses the vote, you won't be around. thank you for providing dominion with so much evidence they had to cough up almost $1 billion. you can find her at the diner in hollywood square where she will be waiting tables the rest of her life. the settlement was a disappointment for trump, telling fox not to settle. the great pumpkin posted on instagram for the first time since the day before the
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insurrection to unveil a second round of trump nfts. they have elvis playing guitar on a motorcycle. there is an image of trump looking on while a flaming lion kills the world. he posted a message on instagram. i am sure the fake news won't note that i am leaving the trading cards the price that was last time. i want my fans and supporters to make money. i could have raised the price higher but i did not choose to do so. i will be given no nice guy credit. [laughter] what a nice guy, only $100 for this jpeg of him stealing the liberty bell, only $100 for this image of him as king making the
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little heart sign. you buy three and line them up, you spell out the name of his favorite organization. this is my favorite one. this is not one of trump barbecuing. here he is as a rare golden club. >> we did not raise the prices to slightly sell out last time. it is so easy to buy. and if you want to own a piece of history, go to collecttrumpcards.com. >> jimmy: you by 47 cards you get to have dinner with donald
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at mar-a-lago. i would like to take a moment to imagine what fox news and newsmax would say if barack obama unleashed a line of cards featuring him as a king you could have dinner with. i love this is the depiction of how that dinner is going to go. two models admiring a suspiciously slender donald trump while eating a bowl of roses. he is going to wave to 500 people from across the room while they downplay green beans and salsberry state. this is not what a president does. this is what the s goonies does for money. what an embarrassing thing to do.
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there is only one trump collectible. it is not a trading card. it is hpv. trump did get his hands on an endorsement from a congressman who lit up the night with this big announcement. >> what is it? >> i want to thank you for giving me the opportunity. i am honored to donald j. chump for president. >> jimmy: future endorsements will not mean anything because no one will know what anyone said for real because of ai. i bought a painting and i thought it was a steal.
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i am not sure it is authentic. it is the mona lisa playing poker, probably ai. we are all like, cool, great. if you find out where i left my keys, let me know. i mentioned this guy, it is jay tapper from cnn. he has been making these pictures on his phone and texting them to me. he will write a description, what might it look like if jimmy kimmel serenaded a dolphin and the ai made this of me serenading a dolphin or something. there is a whole story line and then he says jimmy attempts to woo the dolphin and her boyfriend objects. things are not looking good.
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really worried about you. your charm is winning out. success. you made the dolphin your lover. congratulations. the end. this ai has already commandeered the brain of jay tapper of cnn, who has elevated to a higher plane. ai has infiltrated music. there is a new song by drake and the weeknd. it was created by artificial intelligence. drake ai sounds as sad as the real drake. the song was created by a producer and he has a white sheet over his head. nobody knows who he is. his mom is missing a pair of sunglasses. other than that, it is the ghost of dead music.
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we used some technology to make music magic tonight. in new york, the end of an error on broadway. "phantom of the opera" played its final performance on sunday night. what was the song you were singing? the music of the night, all of them. >> most of them. >> jimmy: 35 years, almost 14,000 performances. everyone in new york has seen or acted in it. it is the law and order of musicals. it is, music of the a favorite of donald trump. we thought, with the help of technology, who better to pay tribute to a spectacle that rose in popularity in the 1980s and
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another who rose to popularity in the 1980s -- here it is. [applause] ask night time sharpens heightens each sensation. and it wakes imagination. i was told i have a great ear for music. let your darker side give i the power of the music that i write. the music of the night. have you ever tried opera? >> jimmy: very sad. we have a good show for you tonight. jess hiller is here. we have music and we will be
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a performer in your early years you have one hit and then everybody is bored because they are waiting on your one hit. you have to do covers and have guys come out and swallow flames, you have to make someone enjoy your show. when you get to ten, you have a whole show. when you get to the point you cannot pray them all -- play them all, you start getting bad reviews. >> jimmy: did you ever have a situation where you had a hit and you played it twice in one show.
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do you ever listen to your song if it comes on in the radio? >> when you are going down the road and you are on the phone and you look down and you can see your name on the screen, i am like, hold on. i have to pay homage. i always make sure i turn it up and then i turn it back off. >> jimmy: has anyone caught you in that situation? >> i was home last week and my 12-year-old was having a baseball game in a town about 1f i was like, the sun is going to set and it is going to be cold watching this game. tractor supply was open. i got a hoodie and one of my
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songs was on and i was like okay, all right. somebody has it on the right station here. i put my hoodie on the counter and the guy behind the counter was like and i was just like, you like that, don't you? >> jimmy: you gave him a wink. winking at a guy tractor supply would be a great song. it could be hit number are you worried about ai? i was thinking about this, you can do that with pop music, dance music, -- >> i am scared it would be
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better than what i come up with. >> jimmy: this is largely generated by artificial intelligence luke bryan song. >> i guarantee a beer will be in there. >> driving down the back roads with me and my guitar, trying to find my way home but it seems so far. i am a small-town boy living in this crazy world and i'll keep singing my songs and let my voice be heard. >> jimmy: not that good >> i think i am okay on the ai. if i really sound like that, 31 will not happen. did they do the video? >> we put the video together.
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it was the easiest part of the whole deal. are you going to vegas? >> it is vegas. i don't do a good job at staying away from the tables. blackjack, war. >> that is the saddest thing in the world, watching people play war and las vegas. m >> my nephew came out for his 21st birthday and that was his big reveal to vegas. he kind of learned the flow. we got around the tables and played. being there with your nephew, he has been with us since he was 13. he became my body around the tables. a few months passed and he called me up and said can i
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bring somebody's out? i said yes, you stay in the room with me. they walk in, elvis style. we get down there and it is him and his first cousin, everybody i give money to at some point calls me uncle luke, calls me uncle luke. they come in, i am in a private gambling area. they come in and say uncle luke, we were playing blackjack and this girl said -- she was the runner up in 400 meters and her whole state and track. jackson is very fast. he doesn't look it, but he is. they bet this moment to a 100-meter dash in the parking lot.
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they won a hundred dollars off of her. >> they invented a new form of gambling. >> the valet guy had to be like hold up. when i was on stage, i said give me the 100. i got it back from them and said if you were racing 21-year-olds in the parking lot, but she wasn't at the show. i kept it. >> uncle luke bryan is with us. we will be right back. ♪ ♪ you up for something impetuous? i'm a palm springs hotel. i got the desert air, sun-kissed pools, and shady hideaways. i'm looking for someone who can decide on a friday that a one night comhe rat pk? l e me. i'm looking for someone who can decide on a friday orag. don't. that a one night comhe rat pk?
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l e me. you could hein a few hours. who can decide on a friday meet me at hotels.com ♪ ain't nothin' gonna break my stride. ♪ ♪ nobody's gonna slow me down. ♪ ♪ oh no, i got to keep on moving. ♪ ♪ ain't nothin' gonna break my stride. ♪ wherever you are. be there with starbucks ready to drink coffee. how white do you think your teeth really are? let's try the tissue test. ooof, still yellow. whitening toothpaste can only do so much. there's toothpaste white, and there's crest 3d whitestrips white. so much whiter! crest.
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♪ ♪ >> jimmy: talking about fishing. >> we are trying to talk our fishing trips out. >> jimmy: you were talking about huey lewis hanging out backstage. we keep him back there. we won't let him leave. >> making the meat and cheese trays. i am a huge fan and never got to meet him. it was fun. >> jimmy: what season, 2 >> this is the sixth year with me and katie and ryan. ryan has been there the whole time. >> jimmy: who does lionel like the best?
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you are katie. >> don't get me in that trouble. he probably likes lionel is a national treasure. we will do promo stuff for the show and it is me and lionel and when they interview lionel, me and katy just to sit back. he has taught me how to -- he teaches you how to be a star and be humble. he has spent his whole career doing that. >> jimmy: it must be hard to be humble. lionel and katy sing at the coronation.
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>> i did not know what a coronation is. i told them, y'all are going to hang with the dukes and the earls and the only dukes and earls i have ever hung with a shotgun beer with. >> why would they not invite you? maybe you are too american. >> probably. >> jimmy: did they have country music in england? >> i've played and people show up. i was surprised. >> jimmy: do you know of any, we know keith urban. do you know of any english country music artists. >> i don't know. we have had some irish country singers come through but there is a huge festival they put on in london and i played that a
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couple times and we did a munich thing, we did sweden. it is weird to go over there and know you have fans. >> it must be weird when you go where english is not the first language. >> prince charles was not at my concert. >> jimmy: maybe you were -- maybe he was upset you did not invite him and he is the king and you will be beheaded before the end of this for all we know. blake shelton talked you into doing "american idol." you asked should i do this and he said i think so. >> he was just like, it is going to change your life. it has. when you are in a cab in new york city in the cab driver,
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he says i see you on "american idol," it puts you in front of another audience and you don't know that when you sign up. it has been fun and now that blake is leaving the voice, i dominate. as we predicted from day one, just come in and get his spot. >> jimmy: whose ranch is bigger? >> if you add all of mine up, they are bigger than his. >> jimmy: how is your mother? >> my mother is crazy. she has been on this thing, she lives at the beach but she wanted me to purchase the the house 100 yards closer. that would be problematic.
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the fact that her and my wife had created this thing on instagram, as long as they get along, go pull up flowers and big weeds. i am cool with it. >> jimmy: your mother posted this. this is a high school photo. that is you. >> that is the most muscle mass i have ever had. we called them a powder puff football game with girls and somehow last minute i got wrangled in. that photo was never supposed to leave her home. and here we have it. >> jimmy: the twins here
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look like they put on their makeup in the dark. >> paul listened to ozzy osbourne and he decided to go rogue and wear his green shorts. >> jimmy: he looks like the guy that will listen to ozzy osbourne. "american idol" is sunday and monday nights at 8:00. >> we are going live. >> jimmy: we will be back with jeff hiller.
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i am assuming tractor supply does not have that. >> this is embroidered. >> jimmy: costs are -- cu embroidered. do you give direction, i would like to giraffes facing each other? >> my mom painted giraffes on my nursery and these are for her. because she is dead. >> jimmy: apparently we were the only two who thought that was funny. >> jimmy: this is your first talk show? >> i was a bartender, but this is the first time sitting. >> jimmy: you are from texas. >> i am from san antonio.
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it is a nice place to visit but i don't recommend growing up they are. are you surprised to find out i am? >> jimmy: how old were you when you came out to your family friends, et cetera. >> 20. nobody was surprised. i told my mom and she was i know. >> jimmy: was everyone supportive? >> of the was supportive. >> jimmy: do you find once you became famous
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i deferred for a year and around year 23 now. >> jimmy: you never went to nyu. >> all of these famous people, they cut in line. i've taught them and they became famous. >> jimmy: like who? >> abby jacobson, kat aubrey plaza. i was on an improv team with moynahan. >> jimmy: was it hard for you knowing that you taught these people and they've gone on to big things?
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>> i did not get invited to 30 rock. my impressions were terrible. at first i chose daphne, who a broadway star. i would never play her. no sketch would be about her. i did daphne vega she kind of sings like this. then i did it right wing schneider. i thought it was very funny. i am not on the show.
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it was a terrible thing to do. i was in a movie called ghost town. >> jimmy: they should really all be naked because your clothing doesn't die. did you know bridget everett before? >> i don't think i had her number in my phone, but i did know her and she did email me, would you be willing to audition for my hbo show. i think they rode this
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>> shocking settlement. fox news pays $787.5 million to avoid a defamation trial with dominion voting systems. >> we wanted accountability justice for our clients. >> cries for justice in the shooting wear white homeowners shot a black teenager. police releasing new details. >> there is a suggestion that covid could have leaked
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