tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC April 21, 2023 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
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>> lou: from hollywood, it is "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, bill hader, jane goodall, and music from metallica. with cleto and the cletones! and now, jimmy kimmel! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: i'm jimmy. i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching and coming and visit here at our home in los angeles, california, where the lakers and the
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clippers are in the nba playoffs. and guillermo and i were watching the chicago bulls. i don't know if you watched this game. there was a win for the bulls. the bulls are down 19 points until and i want you to listen closely here as a young fan, every time the raptors shot a free throw, she screamed at the top of her lungs. listen. >> it is going to go against -- a chance to put it up to the 20-point advantage. [screaming] that is the daughter of demar derozan. and here is the voice you are hearing. she is screaming. [screaming] >> jimmy: it did work a lot of the time. [applause] she might be one of the banshees of ed sheeran. the raptors missed 18 of their 36 free throws. they only lost by four points. they have been eliminated from
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the postseason competition thanks to one little girl. we need that kid at the next presidential debates. donald trump is in -- you are not going to believe this. he was in court today. yeah, he is in court in new york to be disposed in one of the 70 or 80 cases against him. before his deposition, his little thumb took a trip, letitia james, accused of fraud and he wrote, i will be heading downtown to meet with a racist who leaked that i would be there at 9:30 a.m. trump is upset because usually when he meets racists, they do it at home at mar-a-lago. but this case is one of many trump is facing. trump now has more active cases in new york than covid does. [laughter] we also got insight into what is going on with the special counsel. they are set to be looking at trump's attempts to fundraise of his false election fraud claims
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and they are asking witnesses about trump's handling of a map that had classified information on -- he was reportedly showing a classified map around people who do not have security clearance like a big orange dora the explorer or something. and that is specifically mentioned as a violation of laws against espionage, which is punishable by up to 10 years in prison. i really think at this point the only crime trump has not been charged with is aiming a laser pointer at an aircraft because he has covered everything. yesterday, trump filed a lawsuit against his lawyers, former lawyer michael cohen. he is suing cohen for $500 million for allegedly breaching the terms of their nda. this is how it goes in new york for donald trump. he handles business for how many years, i don't know and then he asks you to pay off his mistress. you take out a home equity line of credit and you pay the mistress the money. you lie for him. you serve three years in federal prison for lying for him and then when you get out, he sues
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you for $500 million. it is a circle jerk of life. but trump needs money. trump has a lot of legal bills, and he is getting involved in these weird side projects like this coffee table book he is selling. this is a book of letters that famous people wrote to him. he is publishing them. it comes out in two weeks. these are private notes people have written to him over the years, and he is selling it for the low price of $99 a pop. >> this is your all-time favorite president, donald j. trump. over the last 40 years, i have corresponded with some of the most incredible people from presidents to kings and queens and from hollywood stars to business tycoons. my new coffee table book, letters to trump, published by winning team publishing, features some of these never-before-seen letters. get your copy today at 45books.com. i think you will really, really love it. >> jimmy: he is right. i really, really love it. [applause]
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i hope i get it for the 4th of july. trump has a big lead on ron desantis. a poll says he is ahead of desantis by 33 points. the governor's team has been reportedly calling local politicians in florida to ask them not to endorse trump. this started when trump picked up an endorsement from a florida representative named byron donalds. donalds announced is backing donald trump instead of ronald desantis even though ronald knows the donalds and when donalds chose donald over ronald, donald was so happy and went straight to mcdonald's. [laughter] basically this is a pr disaster for ron desantis. on the bright side whenever there's a disaster, we do get to see him in cute white little boots. jury selection has begun in dominion voting systems versus fox news. suing for $1.6 billion, and it looks like they might get it. the judge yesterday ruled that
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fox was guilty of what they called discovery misconduct for accidentally forgetting to turn over audio recordings in which rudy giuliani and trump campaign official basically admit they had no evidence of the voter fraud they kept screaming about. one of the tapes, the trump campaign official says there were no physical issues they found with the dominion voting machines and on another rudy giuliani says, he told -- tells a reporter he can actually prove the claims he has made about the election being faked on tape. the judge is furious because fox withheld the tapes. to be fair to fox, they may not have known which embarrassing rudy giuliani tape they were being asked for, one where oil is leaking from his head or where he is farting in court or unbuttoning his pants for borat's daughter. could be when he held a press conference outside a dildo shop? and then we have the other defendant who is being sued by
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dominion for $1.3 billion, and that is mr. my pillow mike lindell, who i will tell you does not have $1.3 billion. mike is the genius who uncovered the evil algorithms that spewed the voting machines and even though he is somehow having trouble with a simple live video stream. >> a couple big announcements to make. are you there? [laughter] i can't hear you. i'm not hearing you. this is not good. [laughter] go ahead. brandan? hello? >> jimmy: i guess we don't get to hear the big announcement. the big announcements were he ate a squirrel and split his -- in other technological news, the biden administration is cracking down on artificial intelligence. the white house wants to put measures in place to test these
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new chatgpt bots although i'm not sure biden even knows what a.i. stands for now. he probably thinks it is a show on cbs. but whether he gets it or not, grandpa joe is a man with a data plan. >> good evening, my fellow americans. tonight, i'd like to talk to you about a new enemy. its name, the boogeyman. [laughs] i'm just yanking your -- the enemy i'm talking about is a-1. oh, a.i. artificial intelligence. man. computers, they can think. and make love. no banana games. 18 is the real mccoy. i asked him to write a movie script for "caddyshack ii," and it is miles better than the real "caddyshack ii." they even made one of those swimming costumes.
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[howling] that got me hotter than a kettle of mustard plaster. this a.o. ain't a toilet. it is dangerous and imagine somebody could make a doodle of me throwing a lemon at a dog or sporting a beehive hairdo or chowing down on old glory. kind of things i never do. so keep your head on a swivel jack. being safe. unplug your thingamajigs and you will be a-okay, capisce? i'm joe biden. or am i? i am. it makes you think, don't it? what time is lunch? >> jimmy: you just had lunch, mr. president. you had lunch. i don't know about you. the real threat to humankind is humankind and for proof of that, we look no further than the missouri state house where state senators named mike moon made a heck of an argument while
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defending a bill that would block transgender kids from getting health care. >> i heard you talk about parents' rights to raise their kids how they want. i just double-checked. you voted no on making it illegal for kids to be married to adults. at the age of 12. if their parents consented to it. you said actually that should be the law because it is the parents' right and the kids' right to decide what is best for them to be raped by an adult. >> do you know how many kids -- >> that was the law. >> do you know how many kids have been married at age 12? i do. they are still married. [audience reacts] >> jimmy: the old r. kelly defense. [laughter] what? 14 now. they got two kids. spent a lot of time at chuck e. cheese. they are very, very happy. unfortunately, senator baby
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bride was on the winning side today when they voted -- it is getting extra crazy between the supreme court and roe versus wade and the judge who ruled against the abortion pills. there are a lot of people, mostly men telling mostly women or they can and can't do with their bodies which kind of -- thinking about how little men know about the female anatomy. speaking myself, i don't know a whole lot of it. we did this once before. the results were not surprising but with all the new focus we decided to try it again. we asked men walking by questions about women's bodies and then, well, here's what they had to say. ♪ ♪ >> reporter: how many eggs are released during ovulation? >> eggs. at least 100. [buzzer] >> reporter: how many holes does the average woman have below her belly button? >> two. [buzzer] i don't know what the specific
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name of the other one is. >> reporter: what does it sound like? >> vagina. >> reporter: how often do women ovulate? >> i will say once a month. >> reporter: how many eggs are released during the ovulation? >> i have no clue. >> reporter: if he had to take a guess. >> nine. >> reporter: how many eggs is a woman born with? >> whoa. >> reporter: what do ovaries do? how long is the average vaginal canal. >> i'm not a gynecologist. >> reporter: how much blood does the average woman lose during her period? >> a couple gallons. [buzzer] >> reporter: whatever you know. that is the what? >> the stomach. [buzzer] >> if i'm not mistaken, this is the uterus. >> reporter: can you point to the ovaries? >> here? [buzzer]
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here? >> reporter: that is a woman's rectum. do you have to take your tampon out when you pee? >> it goes in like that. >> reporter: and then what happens? >> i guess somehow it has to come out that way. i assume it is going to get wet. okay. yank it out like that? >> yup. >> and then i guess with gloves of course. it is cotton, right? [laughter] like a washrag. >> reporter: what if you were a woman would you do with this? >> no, this is -- what is this? [laughter] >> it goes into a vagina. [buzzer] i have no idea. >> reporter: if you have a cat. it is a cat toy. >> is it? [laughs] i have no idea.
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>> so once you get it nice and run out like that, you -- wait, hold on. [laughter] so i guess then -- no, it is not going to work. >> reporter: why don't you think it is ready? >> i guess it is why -- >> reporter: it is practice. >> is this the super one? [laughter] >> reporter: okay. >> do you still stick it in like that? >> reporter: yeah, point it to the sky. >> when you pull it out, though, it is going to be like -- [laughter] >> reporter: that feels like it would hurt. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: all right. [laughs] we got a great show. dr. jane goodall is here. we have music from metallica. we will be right back with bill hader.
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it's normal. with calhope's free and secure mental health resources, it's easy to get the help you and your loved ones need when you need it the most. call our warm line at (833) 317-4673 or live chat at calhope.org today. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: we have a great friend and chimpanzee expert. she has a show called "jane" dr. jane goodall is with us and then later, rubbing up a record residency here on our show, their album "72 seasons" comes out in 10 minutes. music from metallica.
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we have a great lineup next week. jake gyllenhaal, luke o'brien, amanda pete, sir patrick stewart will be with us. we will have music from dinner party, boy genius, and gorillas. they will be here. our first guest is the emmy-winning producer and director writer and star of one of the i think ever. "barry" returns for its fourth and final season with two episodes this sunday on hbo. please say hello to bill hader! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: how are you? >> bill: hi, everybody. good to see you. >> jimmy: how is it going? >> bill: good. >> jimmy: carol burnett was here
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on tuesday. do you know about this? >> bill: we are related. >> jimmy: you are related. she found out on "finding your roots." >> bill: yeah, she e-mailed me and said we are related. and i was like, what? i turned to my daughters. we are related to ms. hannigan! yeah, i was on "finding your roots." >> jimmy: i found out i was related to martha stewart. and i don't want to start you trouble. i don't like to start trouble. we did some digging and we found a clip that i think is important america sees. >> bill: huge fan of carol burnett. how could you not. such a smart thing during the q&a because i just had a giant crush on her. [laughter] >> bill: hey, man. >> jimmy: you sick -- >> bill: you can take the boy out of the oklahoma.
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[laughter] you know what i'm saying. that is the way it works. i knew there was something about her. >> jimmy: there was an attraction. what else have you learned on "finding your roots"? anyone else famous? >> bill: the big thing of "finding your roots" is you do it and they go, so you were related to someone who fought in the civil war. you are like, uh-huh. [laughter] like to please be on the union. [laughter] aye, and they were born in missouri. i'm like koloko [bleep] [laughter] and day for the the union. oh, my god. that is the worst thing ever. why are you drawing this out. >> jimmy: do you ever bring your daughters to the set of "barry." >> bill: it is not like the i see -- it is a rough one.
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they don't really care about it. i mean, there's billboards around the city right now of me and they are like, hey, guys, look, it is "barry." [laughter] and my daughters are like, it is the final season of "barry." [laughter] you know a show they love is "rupaul's drag race." we watch it as a family. we are obsessed with it. they do it around. love it and then it is a pretty, you know, it is really raunchy that show and so i was watching it and my daughter is in elementary school. and she turned to me and she said, dad, what does [bleep] mean? [laughter] and i said, that is another word for a woman's vagina. she went, i'm never going to ask you another question for the
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rest of my life. [laughter] [applause] >> jimmy: your kids are funny. >> bill: they are very funny. >> jimmy: they are in the genes. >> bill: crazy. yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: you directed all eight episodes of "barry." i got to tell you something -- [cheers and applause] i was fortunate enough to get your advance copy of the first four episodes of the show. i did not know you directed them. and then i sent you in the text, i was like, well, directory was really great. you thought i was just brazenly kissing your ass. there is a scene and dave and busters in particular. >> bill: oh, yeah, in the second episode, they are giving this kind of speech to these guys and one of the writers of the show is very good -- my best friend
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from high school. and this is his real name. and we -- the way we write the show is we will write -- we write this scene and it took place in a warehouse with a bunch of criminals listen to them give the speech. and then, you know, it is just you talked about the tone of the show and i think, you know, how it comes from is you write these very serious kind of seams. you have seen a lot of movies and shows and then we get bored and say, what if this was in dave & buster's out of sheer boredom and it is interesting. >> jimmy: like the crime lords called the criminals. >> bill: and the godfather where it is the five families. what if we went to dave & buster's and people are coming and going. and all that stuff. so yeah. >> jimmy: when you have a friend mike duffy whose family had to be on the other side. [laughter] you had a friend like that.
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army corps no question. terrible people. terrible people. [laughter] does duffy, is the honest with you? >> bill: he is great. there's a scene in the first episode where i have to have this kind of mental breakdown and i think it is really good and it is the first take an i'm like, oh, i got that scene out of the way. i'm so nervous and i'm feeling good and then duffy walks in an i'm like, that was pretty good, right? he is like, i think we should probably go again. [laughter] that is how he talks. he exhales his words. [laughter] his whole family does this. [laughter] they are watching this in tulsa, oklahoma, right now. what is he talking about? [laughter] and i say, why? he is like, last take, a lot of acting in that one.
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[laughter] i go, what do you mean, acting? i was waiting for you to do your to be or not to be bull [bleep]. you should be crazy. act crazy. and he walks away. he is like, you are right. i did the next one. i'm annoyed. you said that. so the next take, i start. it is in the show. it is in the first episode. i start hitting myself. i hear behind the wall, duffy go, there he is. [laughter] there he is. >> jimmy: bill hader, everybody. "barry," we will be right back. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ that rocking chair would look great in our new house. new house, eh? well, you should definitely see how geico could help you save on homeowners insurance. nice tip. i'll give you two bucks for the chair. two?! that's a victorian antique! all right, how much for the recliner, then? wait wait... how did that get out here? that is definitely not for sale! is this a yard sale? if it's in the yard then it's...
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both: for sale. oh, here we go. geico. it's easy to switch and save on homeowners and renters insurance. [traffic noise] [text message] let's ace this thing! ♪ ♪ i got you coffee. oh my god, what? you literally read my mind. got you, girl. i got this mountain bike for only $11. dealdash.com the fair and honest bidding site. this kitchenaid mixer sold for less
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you know that, right? you i know that right? are you mad at me? are you mad at me? because i love you. >> what did you say? >> i said i love you. >> are you married? >> yeah. >> i got you. >> jimmy: that is the final season of "barry." the first episode. henry winkler is great. he is just great. he is so nice. it is almost ridiculous. >> bill: he is one of the sweetest human beings on the planet. we shot a scene last season where i get arrested. he basically is the guy who set me up to get arrested. and we are shooting it and i'm explaining to him this scene and i'm like, there is this big thing. they will put me in handcuffs
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and you are the ones to give me this look and he goes, at work point do i tell the crew that i brought poundcake? [laughter] why don't we tell him after we shoot it. he goes, because we if we tell him before, he will be thinking, bundt cake. i need them focused. >> jimmy: did he make the bundt cake? >> bill: are not sure where he finds these cakes. stacy and his beautiful wife, we just wanted you all to have this and it is always these very interesting cakes. just the sweetest human being on the planet. >> jimmy: have you ever been arrested. >> bill: yes. >> jimmy: you have? >> bill: oh, yes. okay gabby crellin. >> jimmy: oh, yes. >> bill: these guys are excited to hear about this. you take notes because you're
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going to need it for this weekend. now, i was -- so my dad one night was telling me and my friends, he was like, we are talking about that you know, things of conflict, tricks we play on people or whatever and my dad did the classic, let me tell you something i did. you guys can to do this. they were like, uh-huh. he was like, we used to take two trash cans and put fishing wire between them. we put one on either side of the street and when a car goes through, trash goes on the side of the car. it was hilarious. don't do that. we were like, okay. so my friends and i ran out. we got two trash cans. but he meant like a street, like residential street. we put it across eighth or for like 49 street. and instead of fishing line, we had this giant piece of rope that one across. we were like, this is not working. this is where. as a car goes by cargo spycraft we will pull the trash cans.
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one guy on either side. then the rope will come up. it will be hilarious. so it is really late at night. we are waiting and here comes a car. ready to go and we pull it up. the car goes through. it is a cop car. [audience reacts] the trash can, the rope is too long at the trash cans go behind the car and they bang into each other. so it looks like he just got married. you know? [laughter] and it scared the [bleep] out of this cop. it was like,. [imitating siren] and everyone ran and i was like i'm going to be cool. i went over to my car and this was like smoking a cigarette, like, hey, what happened, officer? [laughter] he drives up like, the trash cans. and he is like freaked out. i was like, is something wrong, sir? [laughter] what is going on? i heard something down there. he was like, [bleep]. [laughter]
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and i will tell you that i had glasses and that is the guy that i based my character on "superbad" on. >> jimmy: oh, right? >> bill: i got messed up with a cop with glasses and seth was like, that is so lame. you can't take a cop with glasses seriously. >> jimmy: your father must be very proud. >> bill: he just learned about it right now. >> jimmy: season four of "barry" premieres saturday on hbo. bill hader, everybody. we will be back with dr. jane goodall. ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ what a pleasure it is to have you here. thank you for coming. >> jane: it is great to be invited. >> jimmy: i feel like i know a lot or at least a little bit about you because my daughter has a book about you. she is eight years old and we read it frequently and she has announced that she wants to take care of animals and help animals. i'm trying to get her into crypto. but -- [laughter] she loves animals. >> jane: good for her. just like me like how i was. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: one of the things, just the basics about your life is that when you went to study these primates to watch these chimpanzees and break down what they have done and what they are doing you were not an expert. you were not dr. jane goodall at the time.
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>> jane: no, i was not. but when i was born, i popped out of my mother's womb helping animals. from birds and squirrels when i was 10. i read "cars and of apes." 10-year-old girls are very romantic and i fell in love with the story. and what did he do? he married the wrong jane. >> jimmy: he married a jane. yeah. [cheers and applause] do you think the fact that tarzan was in a relationship with jane and made an impression on you because he had the same name? >> jane: i thought she was a wimp. [laughter] and we can that was when i knew there was not a tarzan. that is when i dreamed i could go to africa and live with wild animals and write books. you know, in those days, everybody loved. but i wanted to make a point of this. i had a very supportive mother. jane, if you really want to do
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something with this, you will have to work really hard to take advantage of every opportunity. if you don't give up, hopefully you will find a way. [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: and you did all those things and more. and you had a particular relationship with one champ in particular. david is the name. i think we have a photograph here. how old are you? >> jane: i'm 26. >> jimmy: you are eating bugs off of david? >> jane: no, i'm just gently moving through his hair. it is very soothing. they love it. >> jimmy: is there a chimp language? do they speak a particular language? >> jane: would you like to demonstrate? come, come, come. >> jimmy: opeta. [cheers and applause] i want to make one thing really clear. a lot of people think i am. i'm not actually a chimpanzee. >> jane: with a minute. right now, you are a male chimpanzee.
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you are donna lynne. >> jimmy: okay. >> jane: i'm a female. okay. i'm a female. >> jimmy: look at the little penguin over there. [laughter] >> jane: be serious. it be serious. because you might be asked about this. so you are a big male chimpanzee. on a thielen. i'm a little bit nervous and i come up and i give a little -- which is submission but you pat my head and -- now. and then -- animal noises. >> jimmy: do i say anything? i just get quiet? >> jane: and i room you a little bit and you can broom me. >> jimmy: oh, yes. [laughs] [cheers and applause] [animal noises]. >> jimmy: our trips happier than human beings? >> jane: some are. some are not put they are like people.
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from it is the same -- >> jane: subordinate ones are not very happy. dominant ones can be pretty full of themselves. >> jimmy: does studying jim's teach you more about -- does studying jim's teach you more? >> jane: we have inherited loving tendencies but also loving and altruistic ones. and we have a brain that can help us to choose, are we going to be mean or nice? unfortunately, people don't use the brain and in that respect. >> jimmy: yeah. [applause] you were the person who -- you were the first person to observe chimpanzees using tools. the sticks, right? >> jane: yes. they use all kinds of tools. the use stems. they use long sticks to fish fishes. and they crumple leaves to suck that water they can't reach with their lives. >> that was a big front-page story when you discovered that. >> jane: yeah. >> jimmy: could a chimp drive a golf cart? >> jane: they can be taught to.
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but i think we should not have captive chimps. so we don't want chimps driving golf carts. [laughter] >> jimmy: okay. we could bring some golf carts out there. >> jane: it still is not appropriate for a chimp. maybe for you now that you are a chimp. >> jimmy: this is a terrible question. maybe it is a weird question to ask. when a jump dies, do they have any kind of -- is there a ceremony or is there anything that the chimps do? >> jane: there's a lot of mourning and grief. if a mother dies, the children will hang around and if a young one dies, the mother will carry the party around. so it is a very -- it is not a burial. elephants do burials. chimpanzees just mourn and they stopped eating and it is great said. one young mom actually died when he lost his mother. >> jimmy: wow. wow. died after losing his mother. wow. your new series is -- my daughter jane is going to love
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your new show. it is called "jane." it is not about you. but it is about a little girl named jane who loves animals and goes on an adventure. >> jane: she loves me. >> jimmy: and she loves you. >> jane: she has pictures all around the wall of me and david graybeard and meet growing up with my wonderful dog who taught me that animals do have personalities. scientists told me it was not true. a lot of people have dogs and cats. they know. >> jimmy: of course. >> jane: they feel happy or sad. >> jimmy: right. yeah. are you a metallica fan by any chance? [laughter] >> jane: no. >> jimmy: okay. all right. i'm just checking because they are coming out. i do not know if you wanted to introduce them. let's -- it is great to have you here. and we could round at each other and understand. but thank you for being with us. the show is called "jane." it premieres tomorrow on apple
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♪ temptation ♪ ♪ the beast still shouts for what it's yearning ♪ ♪ he stokes the fire, desire burning ♪ ♪ the never-ending quenchless craving ♪ ♪ the unforgiving misbehaving ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ if darkness had a son, here i am ♪ ♪ temptation is his father ♪ ♪ if darkness had a son, here i am ♪ ♪ i bathe in holy water ♪ ♪ temptation, leave me be ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ temptation ♪
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♪ temptation ♪ ♪ temptation ♪ ♪ temptation ♪ ♪ so paint your eyes as black as sorrow ♪ ♪ hide yourself behind tomorrow ♪ ♪ the nightmares search for infiltration ♪ ♪ in domination, captivation ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ if darkness had a son, here i am ♪ ♪ temptation is his father ♪ ♪ if darkness had a son, here i am ♪ ♪ i bathe in holy water ♪ ♪ temptation, leave me be ♪ ♪ ♪
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this is nightline. tonight coachella, the annual music festival in the california desert, now in full swing with some of the hottest performers, bad bunny making history opening with sasha era, but amidst this trendy seen a potentially deadly underbelly. it's a white powder. it's totally odorless. flavorless so you can imagine how easily that could get mixed into something as the death toll from fentanyl overdoses rises across the nation, where, with the volunteers trying to keep concertgoers safe, i will usually just ask them like hey, are you interested in potentially having a test strip
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