tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC May 3, 2023 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
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announcer: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! with cleto and the cletones! and now, jimmy kimmel! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: thank you. thank you for coming. [cheers and applause] thank you for joining us here in the good old united states of america. absolutely exciting news. maybe we should have a drum roll
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for this. [drumroll] according to the cdc, cases of sexually-transmitted disease are on the rise! [laughter] america is back and so is our chlamydia, everybody. for some reason they have changed the term "astd close wih the sti. you know this? bad for the students at the systems technology institute. stds went down in the covert pandemic but heading back up the charts with a bullet. work is done. you take over from here. speaking of sexually-transmitted diseases, donald trump [laughter] our founding father has -- [applause] reemerged. he sat for a 45 minute blab-fest with tucker carlson last night on fox news. quite a check made covered everything from world war iii which he seems to be rooting for the wanting to the president of china to a broadway show.
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and also he as he often does manage tissue in some thoughts about the letter and n-word. >> you don't mention either one of them. >> jimmy: that's good to know. go on. >> nuclear. nuclear, nuclear, nuclear. nuclear. nuclear. nuclear. nuclear. i never mentioned the word "nuclear." >> jimmy: said it 400 times in the last minute and a half. >> nobody talks about nuclear. the problem we have, the biggest problem we have in the whole world, a top global warming, it is nuclear warming. >> jimmy: what is this baddie old man talking about? nuclear warming? do you think he needs nuclear war-the what the hell are you talking about? i did a google search for nuclear warming, the top one was
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a song on spotify by a band called the stran transplanted which is really good. that's not a thing for this interview is terrible. not once did tucker stop and say huh? the fact that donald trump is a profoundly stupid person, i think it's important to remember that for he does not have the best words. he is not stable genius. mental compa competency test hes bragging about passing is something that the average seven year old can. at one point felt it important to explain how good looking the chinese interpreter was. >> when i dealt with the president all weekend, he had an incredible -- i'm not allowed to say it because it's very impolite and very politically incorrect, a beautiful female interpreter. she was very beautiful. today we say it. they'll say this is terrible, not allowed to say that. but she was very professional.
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she spoke every word for him. very professional. [laughter] >> jimmy: that's what interpreters do. they speak every word. putin did this too, brought in the attractive interpreter. starts lifting sanctions like potato chips and tucker carlson sits there like a doofus. never interjects. "how hot was she" he is terrified he found out he'd been texting his coworkers about trump saying i hate him passionately. he's economic force, destroyer, he's not going to destroy us. i've been thinking about this every day for four years and after thinking about it for four years, tuck sat down i sat down with the being arrested means he'll pull out of the race. trump said he wouldn't. i believe pulling out is not
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donald trump's thing. if it was... [laughter] we wouldn't have done jr. and eric if it was. [applause] it was embarrassing but fox news is hosting the first republican primary debate in august. maybe they get a hold of him in whatever prison trump is locked up and if he is not pulling out, let the audience down the inmates beauty audience. trump can finally meet all the whites of premiseses who love a ship at mike pence on fire at the university of alabama regaling the crowd with his life before politics. >> i don't think i'm interesting enough to do that as a living. i did. three hours a day, six days a week. it was like rush limbaugh on the decaf. >> jimmy: yes, decaf and
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melatonin. had a q&a with the students. one of the women in particular has a very serious concerns. >> i wake up every day and don't feel safe because i'm a woman and i feel that's being taken away. >> really? by hu? >> by our president. president. >> jimmy: joe biden is taking your vagina away? the man can barely ride a bicycle. >> i want to know is not going to change in the near future? is not going to get better because i'm worried. the idea of being a woman is taken away by the democrats. >> let me assure you. help is on the way. >> jimmy: that's right. captain lady parts is here to save the day. the idea that a woman asking mike pence about women's rights being taken away indicates to me they might want to have another look at the minimum gpa
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requirement to get into the university of alabama but mike pence loves this sort of thing because it's a kind of nonissue that his face absolutely feasts on. >> american people know that the answer to the question "what is a woman." it's a female human being. >> jimmy: you know what they say. when mother is a way, it's to play. mike pence has not formally entered the race for president but he's polling at about 7% which puts him in third%. the poll, has opened up now a 33-point lead over ron desantis. not a great sign when you are down 30 points arrested for giving a porn
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impressive 30 seconds of her life. exploratory committee thinking about running for president which will be an uphill climb. most people do not know who tim scott is. the republican senator from south carolina who owned an allstate insurance agency. that would make him the second black allstate guy turned president, the first will be david palmer from '24. in other political news, george santos doubling down on this claim he's jewish but told a couple of reporters he has dna tests that prove his jewish heritage. he said the test not only proves he is jewish, and that he's streisand. santos made this claim to a couple of riders to "jewish magazine." didn't offer any proof but we can take him at his word. having a tiny bit of jewish ancestry does not mean you are
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jewish. yell guillermo took this and revealed that he is .4% hey, guillermo >> i'm trying to have a seder. >> jimmy: what are you eating there, ? >> it makes me >> jimmy: what do you call that hat on your head? guillermo, what do you call that hat on your head. >> a yarmulke. >> jimmy: happy passover. you are a few days late on the seder the seder. >> sumi, what are you going to do >> sue me, what are you going to
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do? [cheers and applause] >> jimmy: i don't know... not sure if he is jewish but he is one of an actor. that's for sure. we have a fun show for you. from "abbott elementary," quinta brunson is with us. it's week three of their week long residency. metallica is here. metallica. one of the legendary bands that had a huge surge of popularity among young people because their song master of puppets was on "stranger things" playing that song later on but since we have a puppet theme we thought it'd be fun to take the band where there is a theater, the bob baker marinette theater, a popular children's theater and so we sent metallica there to give the guys a chance to actually master some puppets. >> welcome to the marinette theater.
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can i get your names, kids? >> i'm james. >> i'm kirk. >> i'm larson. >> i'm wi robert. >> very nice to meet you. anything they come to life, sock in your hand, block it, you name it. these topics can have strings. if you look at the top, in the front you have this foot box where you take this off the paddle. has strings in the side that connects to the legs. these strings go to the knees. in the front these are hamstrings. >> how long does it take to become a true puppet master? >> great question. normally many years. today we have an hour. >> okay then. ♪ ♪ >> frigging
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actually a scandinavian cucumber. >> yeah... >> all right, guys. kids will be here soon. real puppeteers where blacks. like one of our albums. >> okay, guys but let's puppet like our lives depend on it. >> god, [bleep]. let's go! >> we are so scary. >> we are metallica, need this! >> three, two, one... >> metallica! >> there was a happy cactus names lars who wanted to start a band. >> i'm bored and lonely. i want to start a band! >> took an ad out on a newspaper called "the recycler" because they did no
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james beard's big i want to be in a band with you! full disclosure, i'm not spayed or neutered. james and larger so happy together. >> we need more band members. we need more band members. >> they were joined by two new friends. kirk the donkey and robert the invisible man. >> i'm a donkey and i like to party. >> i am the invisible man and i like to party too. let's be in a band together. come on! 's vehicle now all they have to do is decide what kind of music the play. >> should we play country music? >> no. that's not right. country music is lame. [laughter] >> what about polka?
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[boos] >> no. that sucks too. >> how about salsa? >> the bandit didn't know what to do. until they met their new friend satan. [laughter] >> hi, friends. i'm satan. i know what kind of music you should play. you'll be rich, famous, do lots of drug -- i mean, candy! you'll do lots of candy! >> we love candy! >> yes, we love candy. >> the music you should play is metal! >> what is metal, what's that? >> metal is cool music that uses electricity. watch. [thunder and lightning]
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♪ ♪ >> announcer: abcs "jimmy kimmel live" brought to you by horizon. (neighbor) i got that deal too. (seth) oh hey, bragging buddies! (neighbor) my man! (cecily) this i don't need. (seth) you should give me a call! (vo) visit your verizon store and save big during our spring savings event. get the disney bundle with disney+, hulu, and espn+ included. all for just $35 a line. the savings you want. on the network worth bragging about. verizon pain hits fast. so get relief fast. only tylenol rapid release gels have laser-drilled holes. they release medicine fast... for fast pain relief. and now... ...get relief without a pill. with tylenol dissolve packs. relief without the water.
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maybe a dragon? no, dragons are boring. twin sisters! and one is a robot and one is a knight. and i'll be on the side of... the octopus. rawr!!! the volkswagen atlas. more room for possibilities. mr. clarke. your daughter is a very good kisser. when you crave the uncomfortable. try spicy pringles scorchin'. the sandwich makers at jimmy john's bring you...the new, irresistibly decadent, fudge chocolate brownie. and if you're saying, “that's not a sandwich.” then what about now?!
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album "72 seasons." comes out the day after tomorrow. metallica is here. [cheers and applause] one of their biggest hits, "master of puppets" will be played in its entirety. settle in. tomorrow night on the show we will be joined by bill hader and dr. jane goodall and more music from metallica too. our first guest tonight launched a popular sitcom, won and me, sat with oprah and hosted "saturday night live" but you can see the season finale of her show "ab elementary." "abbott elementary." quinta brunson! [cheers and applause]
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>> quinta: hi! >> jimmy: thanks for coming. by the way, congratulations. did a great job on "saturday night live." for you to thank you so much. >> jimmy: was that scary to do? >> quinta: no. i wanted to do that ever since i was a child. "snl" is what gets most people into comedy. it was the time of my life! i missed it. >> jimmy: how old were you when you thought, i would love to be on "saturday night live"? >> i was probably college age. i was in college and i was being a dork and watching "snl" at night. i was like, yeah, i'd want to be a part of that cast. >> jimmy: show? >> quinta: no. when those are too difficult, i tend to treat
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truly the audition process seemed really hard. and i was just like, hmm. >> quinta: i did. >> jimmy: i like to show it again if you don't mind. let's take a look. >> so proud of you but really proud of you are not only because you're obviously a great mom but because you are a teacher. the most important job there is. >> jimmy: the guy imitating obama does a really great... it's incredible. looks like him, sounds like him. >> quinta: when i first showed that to "snl" to the writers i was like, is that ai? it's really him. ai is adding very dangerous. >> jimmy: ai is ruining everything. your mom when you got that video did you send it to your mom immediately or wait to watch it while you are with her?
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>> quinta: i scented immediately because i didn't see tell my mom that i was going to meet him but talk about this in my monologue but i keep certain stuff from her because i don't want her to get too excited. i don't know! it's too much for me. what do i do, i'm like [bleep] going out to hang out with obama. i just sent it to her with no information. i think... [laughter] she's just... she was like, is this ai -- i'm getting! it shocked her. she was happy. her job is the hardest in the world and to hear it from somebody like that that she's appreciated, you can't buy that kind of stuff. i cannot pay him to make that. i tried -- i'm kidding! he asked to make it. >> jimmy: he asked to make it? >> quinta: very sweet. >> jimmy: can imagine how your head must be spending with this stop it having dinner with
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barack obama, you sat down for an interview with oprah -- >> quinta: oprah winfrey. >> jimmy: would you say oprah winfrey is a friend? >> quinta: she is like... >> jimmy: be careful. >> quinta: i know! [laughter] she's very supportive. sometimes i feel like i've gained a mentor for other times i think i've gained another mother. which... to anybody who has one mother, sometimes two can. that's a lot of moms. she is truly wonderful and a great... i don't often ask for mentors but it's nice to know someone who knows the ropes of television so well just be available for me to ask stuff. >> quinta: that is really something else. as i mentioned, your introduction is 16 months ago the show went on the air. >> jimmy: who is left? oprah, obama -- >> quinta: i think i go to space. >> jimmy: you should!
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meet some of the people up there. you know? >> quinta: i know. i want to take it. i want to chill. i bought a house so i want to sit in the house. that's been so exciting to me. i've been watching television shows, catching up on tv. >> jimmy: watching television, making television shows. very cannibalistic in a way. hanging out in your house, that's exciting. all these fancy people you're involved with. i know you went to philadelphia. have you ever shot your show in philadelphia before? >> quinta: so. for the first time we shot in philadelphia pit we shot the finale of the season in philly. i'm so excited. we shot it at a very famous museum called the franklin institute. it's really famous to these four people. [laughter] but it's our smithsonian and that's where you go on your field trips and i was over the moon they let us come film
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there. it was the first time so much of my crew had been in philly and we were landing right in the middle of the eagles playing the game to win make the nfc east. >> jimmy: is that right? >> quinta: the eagles wound up winning. people have already started climbing the polls in the city because that is what philadelphians do. and my crew was like, so this is the city we are talking about? >> might've been weird for them. making this very detailed show about philadelphia here then they are in philadelphia. >> quinta: my crew loves it. they all used to work on "survivor" or a different wilderness shows like "naked ord afraid." they went out into the streets of philadelphia and also climb poles and became one of the people. my director rand all grabbed a bunch of pizzas and ice cream for all the eagles fan staying in our hotel.
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>> jimmy: so they don't attack you enter you to pieces? >> quinta: yes. >> jimmy: i remember you talking about a sandwich shop called wa-wa's -- >> quinta: wawa's >> quinta: wawa. >> jimmy: we actually got some of these sandwiches -- >> quinta: thank you! >> jimmy: we got them five day delivery so these might not be fresh. this is veggie, turkey, italian pit what would you order -- >> quinta: italian. i don't know what's going to happen next. to go from obama, oprah, >> jimmy: maybe eat a sandwich, take a break. quinta brunson is here. the season finale of "abbott elementary!"
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>> quinta: that's so nice! don't tell god. are you ready?! oh my god! oh, wow! this could be unlike anything else. show them who we are. trust me. a clan of two. i love this place! i got this mountain bike for only $11. dealdash.com the fair and honest bidding site. this kitchenaid mixer sold for less than $26. this i-pad sold for less than $43. and this playstation 5 sold for less than a dollar. i won these bluetooth headphones for $20. i got these three suitcases for less than $40. and shipping is always free. go to dealdash.com right now and see how much you can save. no two bodies are the same. some pads, never got that message. but, always flexfoam did!
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>> so what does a gregory peck for an overnight trip to the franklin is in you? >> do you have all 13 the essential vitamins? >> of course. >> night socks. >> night socks? today is the big field trip to the franklin institute which is my favorite institute of science and technology. >> and first sleepover. >> neither of us has ever done a sleepover before it -- >> there's going to be a lot of people. >> jimmy: that's tyler do williams and quinta brunson for
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on "abbott elementary." your second season, right? >> quinta: yes. >> jimmy: is an overnight field trip a real thing? speed to an overnight field trip is a real thing. i've never done one. >> quinta: part of the reason i want to do that is i wanted to live vicariously through my sho. i thought it would be cool. it's called a sleep in, shut in, when people sleep in the museum or library overnight. >> jimmy: we never had that. we had the worst field trips ever. getting in on the bus and go to some some court house and watch somebody's dad get arrested. it was never that great. it was something always more educational although in brooklyn we went to the aquarium. the planetarium. didn't want to sleepover. >> quinta: you can sleep over at the aquarium too. it was so exciting.
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to go there and have that experience me i never got into it in real life. >> jimmy: what about your family back home? did they want to come on the set and see everybody and everything? >> quinta: it was so exciting because my family is primarily on the east coast so they never get to see me do anything in person. they haven't got to see a season of "abbott," my brothers and sisters have on the award shows on tv. this is the first time they got to see what i do in person and i feel like you can relate sometimes. people, they see the tv show. they can't comprehend but it's great. we don't want you to be thinking about the gaffer's sweating, holding stuff. it was incredible for them to actually see what goes into a shot, you know, on the scene of the show. >> jimmy: and to meet the gang from "naked and afraid." >> quinta: yes! very impressive. my dad wanted to spend time with the lighting crew but he got a
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sandwich and went in their tent and never came out. that was exciting to him. >> jimmy: why would you particularly interested in the lighting? >> quinta: the lighting department? those are his people. he's a construction man. he installs lights and stuff. he could care less about me or tyler or anybody but he's with the lighting dudes. these are the real stars. >> jimmy: did anybody ask you to be on the show to get parts on the show? >> quinta: no one asked, but i put my family on the show. the thing about bringing people to philadelphia we couldn't bring our regular background kids from l.a. with us. it's crazy because some of our background kids were in your metallica thing. >> jimmy: is that right? >> quinta: i saw them. my babies. couldn't bring them with us but you can't fly 100 kids to philly. >> jimmy: certainly not during the nfc championship game. >> quinta: would've been horrible. we had to get kids from philly and i know some kids. first off, i have a million
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nephews and nieces. i think i have seven nephews and nieces in the finale episode. see if you can spot them. we all have the same days. and that was super fun friends of mine from school who now have kids. they are kids got to come be in it. >> jimmy: that's the greatest. >> jimmy: it was incredible >> quinta: it was incredible. >> jimmy: is there going to be a big thing where everybody gathers and watches are they doing that anyway? >> quinta: not to toot my own horn, but the people in philly watch every wednesday. >> jimmy: did you double check to make sure all of your nieces, nephews, friends, kids are actually on camera in the background of the shots? >> quinta: i did my best. at the end of the day, the shots with one of my nephews didn't stop sleeping pit you've got to get up. >> jimmy: who is your sleepy
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sleepiest nephew? >> quinta: won't say his name because he is very little and he was in front of the shot and i was there and i'm his aunt he felt comfortable napping on me and i'm like, you've got to wake up, man. you've got to show up. he just like, i'm tired. and i'm like, that is nepobaby rhetoric! you need to come to work and show up! we wound up pulling them out because he wound up not being able to fall >> jimmy: they look into the camera on your show and -- >> quinta: it actually works. it's great when the kid look in the camera. we don't love them to fall asleep. >> jimmy: yeah! they say staying awake is like 80% of it. >> quinta: of the job. that's what i'm doing right now. i'm just staying awake. that's so true! >> jimmy: b-17 is asleep but -- it's great to >> jimmy: guillermo is asleep but -- it's great to have you. the season finale of "abbott elementary" you can watch it one week from tonight 1:00 here one 10:00 hereon abc.
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>> announcer: it is time for a "jimmy kimmel live" who has been struck by lightning? the odds of being struck by lightning in a given year are less than one and a million. which of these people is that unlucky? [bell ringing] >> sitting on my coach come up boom! the lightning hits me in my chest out of my head. i'm blind. i find my phone, call the police. i'm like, my house blew up. i'm like, what? i was like, it was lightning. they take me to the hospital. two medics cut my shirt off. they see the burn marks and they go code blue and they realize i was in and actually high five each other and go, yes, code blue! get taken to another room. the cops show up. from all the blood we thought you were dead. i get struck like a freak, not
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like a normal person. announcement >> announcer: boom, that's gott! ♪ is the ocean warm? yeah, it can be very warm. ♪ you were made to remember some days forever. we were made to help you find the best way there. ♪ ♪ ain't nothin' gonna break my stride. ♪ ♪ nobody's gonna slow me down. ♪ ♪ oh no, i got to keep on moving. ♪ ♪ ain't nothin' gonna break my stride. ♪ wherever you are. be there with starbucks ready to drink coffee. what's the big question? [helmet locks] george: what's the world beyond the silo? [steel door opens} george: what if everything you've been told was... one... big... lie? [inhales]
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♪ ♪ ♪ end of passion play, crumbling away ♪ ♪ i'm your source of self-destruction ♪ ♪ veins that pump with fear, sucking darkest clear ♪ ♪ leading on your death's construction ♪ ♪ taste me, you will see ♪ ♪ more is all you need ♪ ♪ dedicated to ♪ ♪ how i'm killing you ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ come crawling faster ♪ ♪ ♪ obey your master ♪
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♪ your life burns faster ♪ ♪ obey your ♪ ♪ master, master ♪ ♪ master of puppets, i'm pulling your strings ♪ ♪ twisting your mind and smashing your dreams ♪ ♪ blinded by me, you can't see a thing ♪ ♪ just call my name 'cause i'll hear you scream ♪ ♪ master, master ♪ ♪ just call my name 'cause i'll hear you scream ♪ ♪ master, master ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ needlework the way, never you betray ♪ ♪ life of death becoming clearer ♪ ♪ pain monopoly, ritual misery ♪ ♪ chop your breakfast on a mirror ♪ ♪ taste me, you will see ♪ ♪ more is all you need ♪ ♪ dedicated to ♪ ♪ how i'm killing you ♪
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♪ come crawling faster ♪ ♪ obey your master ♪ ♪ your life burns faster ♪ ♪ obey your ♪ ♪ master, master ♪ ♪ master of puppets, i'm pulling your strings ♪ ♪ twisting your mind and smashing your dreams ♪ ♪ blinded by me, you can't see a thing ♪ ♪ just call my name 'cause i'll hear you scream ♪ ♪ master, master ♪ ♪ just call my name 'cause i'll hear you scream ♪ ♪ master, master ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪
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♪ hell is worth all that, natural habitat ♪ ♪ just a rhyme without a reason ♪ ♪ never-ending maze, drift on numbered days ♪ ♪ now your life is out of season ♪ ♪ i will occupy ♪ ♪ i will help you die ♪ ♪ i will run through you ♪ ♪ now i rule you too ♪ ♪ come crawling faster ♪ ♪ obey your master ♪ ♪ your life burns faster ♪ ♪ obey your ♪ ♪ master, master ♪ ♪ master of puppets, i'm pulling your strings ♪ ♪ twisting your mind and smashing your dreams ♪
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>> announcer: this is "nightline." tonight, the bullying crisis. a 17-year-old takes his own life at an elite new jersey boarding school. >> he was talking to us about how he grew up he was going to take care of us. >> the school's stunning admission apologizing not doing more for protecting him at a moment when so many young people are struggling with mental health, parents left searching for a solution. >> if jack were sitting here right now he would say "help others. the system needs to change. spread the love." >> plus mika kelly from "friday night lights" to "euphoria." >> tell me everyth
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