ama: thanks for watching. dan: for all of us, we appreciate your time. hope you have a great weekend. ama: have a great night. >> lou: from hollywood, it is "jimmy kimmel live," tonight, with michelle obama, and marc maron with cleto and the

cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel! [applause] ♪ >> jimmy: hello, welcome. [applause] >> jimmy: thank you, i appreciate it. [applause] >> jimmy: i am glad you are excited. thanks for watching, thank you for coming and joining us. we are - oh, we forgot a special guest tonight. former first lady of the united states, michelle obama is here. [applause] >> jimmy: she heard some of you have not been eating your vegetables and she's pissed. this is michelle's fourth time on the show. does it feel nice to pat down by secret service, guillermo? >> guillermo: yeah, >> jimmy: where did you hide your weed? >> guillermo: i left it in the

car. >> jimmy: cbs aired the special white house last night and we learned the holiday ornament is for sale. it is $24.95. i find it refreshing to see the white house encouraging people to hang something other than the vice president. that ornament is attributed to pat nixon. here is the former first lady with the first ginger bread house. since the nixons, the tradition continues. nancy reagan's ginger bread house and iced entirely with cocaine. [laughter] >> jimmy: there was barbara bush, i think she modelled her hair on that hat. hillary clinton's ginger bread house appears to be separate bedrooms for her. [laughter] >> jimmy: right? laura bush

showed off her white house ginger bread house. her husband walked in and got stuck in it for a while. that followed by michelle obama, ginger bread was all kale. who could forget melania trump's ginger bread house? [applause] >> jimmy: a shoe on your roof means good luck. her husband, donald, is upset for getting called out for having dinner with kanye and his right-wing jewish friends. thank you, you are great. how quickly jewish leader forget that i was the best president by far. this lack of loyalty to their greatest friends and allies is why large numbers of people are stopped giving support to is real.

the only thing that could make that statement more antismet i can is he used the sharpy wrote with to draw a first. trump calling jewish people disloyal. it is like nick cannon telling mexico to slow down on all the kids. [applause] >> jimmy: meanwhile -- the new world's greatest boss, elon musk, announced his twitter will increase their character limit from 280 characters to 4,000. they'll be changing the name of the company to facebook as well. yesterday he wrote, my pronoun are prosecute and fauci, which on top of being small-minded lowest common denominator garbage and spreading conspiracy

theories for the doctor who works for our good is a terrible joke. it is like a joke generated by ai, it does not make any sense. the structure does not rhyme anything. it is too many syllables. it is exactly a joke from a guy who named his son at the bottom road of an ice truck. a young guy came up to me, you got no love for elon, bro. i said, no, i don't. i have a problem with any richest man in the world to come to the country to slander a doctor who devoted his entire life to protect our children from hiv and covid-19 and zika and ebola and while you are firing rockets into space and prove that your -- works. [applause] >> jimmy: as long as he's attacking and spreading lies about decent americans who have been the best to protect the

world before this vomit casserole was born, i got no love for elon, bro. okay? [applause] >> jimmy: then we have the great genius marjorie taylor green who received the nixon award. she gave quite an acceptance speech. >> i come to washington. i swear in on january 3rd. i thought it was hilarious but i could not find the bathroom at the capitol. >> jimmy: yeah, for the first six months, she was pooping in a box at her desk. [laughter] >> i organized with steve bannon here. i have to tell you something. steve bannon and i had organized that, we would have won. >> jimmy: whoo! if i had been in charge of invading my own office, mike pence would not look like a

ghost, he would be one. whoo! just in case that did not give you an insurrection, young republicans. how about this? >> we are learning that teachers can pass around plugs, you can pick it up at cvs nowadays. >> jimmy: sounds like somebody giving her secret santa a hint. i always wonder where they get these stuff of these non problems they get worked up about. it was the topic tackled by the tucker carlson show. happens to notice that cvs is selling sex toys and it appears to be a bargain. the accompanying location that goes with it will set you back to $11.97. if you got the cash right there,

the buzzy butt will through $32.49. >> he's not a spokesperson, he's also a customer. [applause] >> jimmy: it is really amazing. what we just witnessed a dildo reporting on another dildo. i thought i would never see this. we sent out our christmas cards over the weekend with my daughter and son. my job was to make the card. we went on the website to use the template. apparently, i used the proofreader they provided, i forgot to delete the family sample name. maybe you can see that, the hartfords is what it says. [laughter] so merry christmas from the hartfords, we mailed it out now. it is too late.

little time left before christmas. santa had his hands very full. guillermo and i have been pitching in helping kids and finding out who has been nice or naughty this year. >> jimmy: hello, there, thank you, you want to have a seat right there? what's your name? >> ellis. >> jimmy: how old are you? >> five and a half. >> jimmy: are you excited about christmas? >> yes. >> jimmy: is it your favorite holiday? >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: have you been good this year? how good have you been? >> i have been very good. >> jimmy: super good. >> ryan was trying to make me bad but i distract him. >> jimmy: who's ryan? >> oh, he does not listen. >> jimmy: we need to know about all the good boys and girls but we also need to know about the bad boys and girls. is ryan a bad boy? >> he does not listen.

>> jimmy: well, who does he not listen to? >> he does not listen to miss beck. he was lying. he's a big liar. >> jimmy: he's a liar? do you call him liar who's aiden? >> he does not listen, too. >> jimmy: who else does not listen? >> dylan. >> jimmy: anybody else? >> >> jimmy: valentine, that's a big one. should any of them get presents for christmas this year? >> well, they don't listen but

one day they do. do you always listen? >> i do. >> jimmy: but ryan says i don't. it sounds like you and ryan really have a problem, huh? >> i told mrs. beck and he says, ryan, no! >> jimmy: you know this reminds me a show called "cheers," have you seen "cheers"? >> no. >> jimmy: sam and diane. sherry long, don't know them? anyway, on "cheers," they were always at each other's throat and they didn't get along. as the season went on, they fell in love and it turns out they were meant to be together. of course, years later, they broke up and frazier came in and dated diane, shelly long quit the show, and replaced by

rebecca on the by kirsten alley. >> jimmy: do you think ryan is in love with you that's why you are bickering about him so much. >> i have not practiced to juggle yet. >> jimmy: well, all you have to do is answer these questions. are you ready? how satisfied are you with your visit with us? a, very satisfied or some what satisfied or not satisfied. >> no satisfied. >> jimmy: how likely would you recommend visiting us to other kids. very likely, or very likely. >> very likely. >> jimmy: were you satisfied with the gifts received? >> guillermo: no. >> jimmy: oh, let's give you something. there you go, that's for you.

>> well, i like my own books. my book has children stuff, i like children stuff. are you satisfied with the book? are you very satisfied or really satisfied or not a lot all satisfied? all right, that's good for us to know. great information, thank you so much. you can keep that book and once you read it, you will be satisfied. okay? thank you very much >> jimmy: we'll tell santa claus that you are a very good listener, okay? >> jimmy: we have a great show, marc maron is with us and we'll be right back with the former first lady michelle obama. stick around! [applause]

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[applause] >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back tonight. from the movie "to lesley," marc maron is with us. we have guests including robbie margot and music her newest number one best seller, "the light we carry over coming uncertain times," please welcome michelle obama! [applause]

[applause] >> jimmy: welcome. how are you? >> i am great, how are you? >> jimmy: i am doing great. you got a white lotus flower, you have there? you watch that show? >> i do, i have not watched the finale. >> jimmy: i won't say anything at all. i hate to jump right into it. in the book, your husband, barack obama, the former president. >> that guy. >> jimmy: he says you watch too much low-brow tv. >> i think he watches too much sports center. i keep on telling him it is the real housewives and the nba. >> jimmy: do you watch the real housewives? >> of course. >> jimmy: which is the best

city? >> they all have their specials. atlanta gets me going. [laughter] beverly hills. >> jimmy: does he wander in the living room and thinking what's going on there? what's the last thing you watched together? >> the last thing we watched together? it was probably sports, golf is always on. i know. >> jimmy: you will watch golf with him? that's love. >> it is background it is usually on silent and he's doing something else. his golf is like hgtv to me. >> jimmy: i see. >> you love the sound of people finding nice homes and you know looking at ceilings and all of that. it is soothing and it blocks out all the worries of the day. >> jimmy: i get it. after eight years, very, very busy days and nights in the white house.

>> yeah. >> jimmy: do you find yourselves sitting in your house or home just looking at each other? [laughter]. >> and going eh, we do that a lot. >> jimmy: there are boring times? >> oh, there is tons of boring times which we love. >> jimmy: you above boring times. >> you meet after eight years in the house, you want desperately, we celebrate the boring times. we look at each other and go what are you doing? we are like nothing! we are like yes! [applause] >> jimmy: do you personally decorate the house for christmas? >> i am big into christmas and i like lots of christmas decorations. we usually spend christmas in hawaii, that's our tradition. >> jimmy: right. >> the trees are being put up and i am looking at everything going one more this and one more there. e love christmas. i love

>> jimmy: do you go to home depot and get a whole flat of them? >> no. >> jimmy: when gough to hawaii, do you like going to hawaii? >> yeah, duh? have you met anyone who do not like >> that's why i married obama. he was from hawaii. yeah, you are kind of cute. you are from where? i think i love you. >> jimmy: it was a christmas trip, right? >> after the first summer where we started dating and he wanted me to come home and meet his family and i was like oh, man, i was second year associate at a law firm in chicago, winners in chicago are deadly and dreary. the thought of leaving my family who i love and spend christmas

with the love in my life in hawaii, i was like sign me up. i had never been to hawaii so i had an image of what it would be. the only image i had was the brady bunch visit from hawaii. it is generational. >> jimmy: you knew not to pick up an ancient tiki torch. >> that was the vision i had, laying on the beach in wakiki and hula dancing. >> jimmy: that's right, actually. >> unless you are visiting anybody you grew up there. i realized that later, and i am thinking are we going to have mai tais and long walks at the beach. we drove in on the highway and we go into the city, i don't see a beach anywhere or greg brad i see nothing i was expecting. we drive up to the building

which is like my grandparents' building - well, it is not sexy. we went into the floor and loved them to death. they reminded me of their grandparents. their apartment looks like a regular apartment. no hawaii anywhere in sight. we did what you do when you visit grandparents, "60 minutes" is on. and graham made tuna and pickles and we had sandwiches on tv trays, okay, that's cute. he's got a cute family like mine. we go and stay and come back second day, we do that again. third day -- more jigsaw puzzles and "60 minutes" and i am like dude -- where is the romantic stuff? i tell the story because it is in the chapter called "partnering well," what i saw at that young age i thought romance

and love was mai tais and sunset on the beach. barack obama was showing me that family was important and she showed up and he continues to show up for our family in the same way. [applause] >> jimmy: yeah. now, when you go to hawaii, are you staying -- you are going to the family's house? >> his grandparents are passed. it is a tradition. we have about five or six family friends who have been going to hawaii every christmas. >> >> jimmy: do any of barack's old stoner friends coming by? >> that's the crew. nobody is stoned anymore, everybody have kids. not that i am going to admit it here on national tv anyway. >> jimmy: will you buy your gifts in advance and open them there? >> we used to have two

christmases because santa is coming and santa still had to come to the house at the tree that we had. we said santa's gifts are there and we brought fewer things to hawaii. there was a santa that came to hawaii, too. >> jimmy: before the white house, did you take the kids to the mall to take pictures on santa's lap? >> i am a christmas mother. we did it all. >> jimmy: which mall did you go to? >> where did we go? we took them to the one in hawaii. it is a different santa. >> jimmy: it is a beach santa. more sand than santa. >> not as chubby and the girls are in their shorts. that's where their christmas pictures in hawaii. we have been going there every christmas except for the iowa

caucuses since they were born. we spent the iowa cauccaucus ca caucus caucusing. we would stand in line and the kids would see santa. >> jimmy: did you have the elf on the shelf at the white house? >> no, that was not a thing with our kids. >> jimmy: oh, so lucky. >> they have out-grown out all of that. >> jimmy: is your husband hard to shop for? >> he does not care about gifts. >> jimmy: so you get him anything? >> we are not big gift givers and if i get him something is a golf-related thing because that's what he does. >> jimmy: does he wrap the gifts in top secret document he borrowed from the white house? [applause] >> we don't have any. >> jimmy: you don't have any. okay. [applause]

>> and if we had, i guarantee you my husband would be in somebody's jail by now. [laughter] >> jimmy: when e you come i want to ask you about the book. i can't believe it but we have all seen it. michelle obama is with us, we'll be right back. [applause] and i went for a walk in the woods and i didn't get a single flea or tick on me. you are just the best. it's probably because of that flea and tick medicine you've been ordering from chewy. we are very proud of you. you never stop surprising us, bailey. right? i'm great. you are great. i wonder if bailey's ever done a book report. be nice to your sister. what flea bit him? pets aren't just pets. they're more. this flea and tick season, trust america's #1 pet pharmacy. chewy.

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>> i have to admit sometimes going out on the campaign trails feel a little harder.

not just because i am older and grayer. [cheers] >> i don't know if y'all heard that. [cheers] >> i am sorry, what did you say? [laughter] >> said i was still fine. okay. [cheers] [laughter] i am not going to tell michelle you said that. although michelle does agree. she knows. [laughter] [applause] >> jimmy: she knows. >> i had not seen that. >> jimmy: i love that you have not seen it. you do know. >> i heard about it. he came home and that's the first thing he said. i got to go, somebody said i was fine. i was like oh, really, that's so sweet.

[laughter] >> jimmy: you don't share stories like that with him, do you? >> no. >> jimmy: of course, not. >> he does not need to know all my business. >> jimmy: yeah, that's right. would it be correct to call it like a self-help book in some way? >> it is a little different than that. it is not like a how-to. i travel across the country and meet with kids, folks and leaders ask me how do you get through stuff in >> jimmy: people ask you for advice all the times? >> on all kinds of things. dealing with fears and feeling invisible, how you find your voice. people are trying to figure out how to get through life and not everybody have a mentor or getting advices from. what this book is my offering of the tools that i have developed over the course of my 58 years that helped me. it is not intended to be this is how it works or these are three steps to feeling seen.

it is still grounded in story. the stories of my life. the things that still make me afraid and vulnerable. i want to be a conversation because we all have tools. >> jimmy: one of the tools, martinis. >> martinis can be a useful tool. >> jimmy: i think for a lot of people and for me -- when you talk about your low point as a parent, maybe it was just one of the low points. you had many low points. last night my son told me he wanted a different sets of parents because he would not let him have his ipad. >> it is like i get rid of you, you are out. >> jimmy: we just imagine that you got everything. >> there is a whole chapter called "meet my mom" because

she's such a force in my life. she would not write a book because my mom says who cares what i have to think. i said no, mom, a lot of people would. >> jimmy: you tried to get your mom to write? >> i tried. this is the closest i could get putting her voice in. in that chapter, i talked about, sort of saying parent the child you got. if you have more than one kid, you think you know what you are doing and you are trying to apply the same thing to the second kid and it is like i am not a good parent. i tell the story of this was during one of the campaigns barack had been away from home and the kids were not listening and i lost my cool. you don't want to listen to me, i give it up. you don't need a parent, you know? i will just sit and hand you your lives.

they're like seven and -- >> jimmy: yeah, right? >> they're like eight and four. here are the two different kids, maleah is compassionate and pleaser. she says oh, that's horrible and she brushes her teeth. oh, that's a good thing. sasha who's like three has her blanky and she turns and says, great, she marches upstairs to watch tv. if you don't get your littl butts back here. sasha at three thought she's going to handle her life. finally, this lady is going to get me out of my hair. >> jimmy: your mom said something great, you recounted in the book, my job as a parent to be put out of business. how exactly did she put it? she wanted to make herself obsolete.

contrary to how this generation of helicopter parenting works where we are wiping their noses and bringing snacks and sche scheduling play dates and making sure our kids does not experience any hurt or anxiety. we are waking them up until they are 25. my mother's theory was just the opposite. she's like, i think my parents felt like they could not give us wealth. they didn't get a college education. we were not going to get some inheritance so she had to give us competence and give it to us early. she gave us alarm clocks in kindergarten. this is how you use it and it is your education, you set it and you get up and you work through your schedules in the morning. my mom was up but she's like you got to be responsible. this is your education. then she sent me to walk to school by myself at five. i tell that story because it

also helps me get accustom to pushing through fears and hesitations earlier. when your parents are telling you i think you are capable of doing this. it made me feel competent. so, what one of the things i say for so many of us who are struggling with fear, is that it is a tricky emotion. it can keep you safe but it can keep you stuck if you don't learn how to decode it. if you don't learn what to understand what's the fear that's going to keep you safe or push through to get through growth and learning. my parents made us practice and on fronting our fears earlier in life. >> jimmy: unbelievable. >> you can make your world a little bigger. there is always growth and opportunity on the other side of that good fear. so, we can't let people manipulate us into living small lives and being afraid of each other.

we should be -- [applause] >> we should be suspicious of that kind of behavior. >> jimmy: i know you have to get going but i have a little christmas present. >> oh, wait, wait, i got a christmas gift for you, too. i almost forgot. jimmy, this is a wonderful homemade jam. >> jimmy: oh, did you make this? >> no, i didn't. i just -- our traditions we try to do things that are personal, small. i think the big stuff ruins christmas. i hope you will appreciate this homemade jam i got for you. >> jimmy: well - >> what's the matter? >> jimmy: well, i got you a little something also -- it is also homemade. i hope -- i hope you like it.

>> what? what is it? >> jimmy: this is biggie and tupac. they're ponies. >> how can i get these to hawaii? >> jimmy: they're really good swimmers. >> thank you so much. i would like to tell our audience tonight that mrs. obama has a copy of her book of "the light we carry" for each and every one of you. thank you so much for being here. m merry christmas! thank you so much for being here, we'll be right back with marc maron. [applause] #

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[applause] >> jimmy: welcome back, our next guest is a very funny podcaster. you can see a great movie called "too leslie." >> so what if i got a little pro? i work, don't i? >> you got to work. you basically have to clean up the rooms after the guests leave and wash towels and sheets. maintain the property a little bit and help guests with their bags. >> that's it? >> that's it, really. pretty much it. right. >> okay. >> "too leslie" is on apple tv plus and other digital platform now. please welcome marc maron. [applause] >> jimmy: marc, i nu-uh

interviewed president obama in your podcast? >> yes, he was in my garage. >> jimmy: that was not a joke. >> 2015, midway through his third year, came into the house, dropped by with about 20 secret service guys. i had to ask my neighbors if it was okay to put sniper on his roof. he's thrilled. the best thing ever happened in his life. michelle didn't say nothing to me. here is a weird thing. he came over what are you going to say to a sitting president. he came into my garage and i said, are you nervous about this? he said, if i was nervous about this, we would all be in trouble. >> jimmy: how many podcasts? >> we have done 1400 or so. >> jimmy: is there anyone left that's still excited about? >> there is always people. i don't know them offhand.

i was in new york of the screening of "too brooke shields was there. do you remember her when you were kids? >> jimmy: very much so. i saw her live in las vegas. we love brooks shields. it was one of those moments where i can get star-struck. not now. when i saw her i was like hi brooke shields. how are you, brooke shields? i am good, are you going to the party brooke shields? >> jimmy: and imagine your young self, you are starting in a movie and brooke shields sat there and watched you act. >> crazy, huh?

>> debra winger was there. i am dropping big names. >> jimmy: they are big name. >> richard shift was there. i saw the movie and my wife and i watching -- well, at your house. i think guillermo texted me, does that count? >> sure. absolutely. >> jimmy: how did you wine up in this movie where a role, people did not think it is you. >> it is for some degree, i am on the spectrum of cranky jew. so, you kind go to whatever you want or what's going on here? [laughter] but, this guy wants me to play this quiet, humble texan guy, andty thought it was a mistake. when my agent told me, how many

guys did they go through to get to me? did everyone in hollywood say no to this? they probably reached out to sam elliot. i didn't believer it was being offered to me and the director kept pushing, right? then, out of know where, chelsea handler reaches out. she's a friend of the director's. she enlisted chelsea handler. you don't want to get on chelsea's bad side. i got to call this guy. so, i called them up and he said i was the guy and he liked my show, maron. she was a fan. can't do the accent. don't worry about it. i thought after i said that, if i want to do acting, i should try to do the accent. so, they put me in touch with a dialect coach.

>> jimmy: okay. >> and a lady that knows all the accents. >> she decides that we are going to do a lubbock said i don't know what it mean. fine, i will try lubbock. i will send you a little glossary how to pronounce things and i will send you some videos. she sends me these videos and they open them up. they're videos of the old mac davis in the weird events. it never land with an audience. matt davis was a huge guy. he was a star.

you can't beat it. don't you know mack >> i thought it was that you gave me matt davis. he was supposed to do a radio show in tucson, arizona and matt david was scheduled to be in our guests. he fell ill and had to go to the hospital so we interview him from his on the part bed. >> i am excited that the didn't send me that. >> jimmy: are you sure she didn't? >> this is a sick-leave. >> jimmy: well, i had to tell you, i highly recommend this movie. it is called "too it is on digital platforms that

we don't know now. marc maron, everybody, we'll be right back.

>> jimmy: i want to thank michelle obama and apologies to marc maron.

we are out of time tonight. thanks for watching, good night! "night line" is next. good night! >> this is nightsline. >> tonight unsealed, stunning details in the historic federal indictment against former president trump. >> accusations of retaining highly classified documents abt