stuff. [whoosh] [splash] easy prep, cook and clean. with reynolds wrap. dion: thanks for watching everybody. ♪ >> lou: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, joel mchale, ali wentworth, and music from molly tuttle. with cleto and the cletones. and now, jimmy kimmel!

[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome, welcome, welcome. very nice. thanks. hi, everybody. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. thank you for joining us. please, relax. that's very nice. it's day six of the new year. this is the day that new peloton becomes a towel rack at home. the mega millions jackpot is up to almost a billion dollars. $940 million. guillermo, remember that time we hooked you up to a lie detector and asked if you would quit if you won the lottery and you said no, i wouldn't? turned out you were lying? [ laughter ] >> guillermo: yes. >> jimmy: i remember that too. today also happens to be the second anniversary of the insurrection, january 6th. also known as "the bass pro

fashion show." [ laughter ] two years ago today, donald jennifer trump tried to grab the steering wheel of our democracy and drive it right into a big, beautiful wall. and things in congress have been running very smoothly ever since. [ laughter ] the republicans have done everything they can over the past couple of years to downplay what happened. first they said it was antifa that did it, disguised as trump supporters, then they said it was a peaceful protest, then it was a tourist visit, the doors were open, we walked in, no big deal. [ laughter ] in five years it will be like a bar mitzvah that got a little out of hand. [ laughter ] but i think it's important to remember, this was not a peaceful protest, this was a violent mob breaking and entering our nation's capitol to try to overthrow a free and fair election. >> we've lost the line, we've lost the line! >> stop the steal, stop the steal! >> oh, oh, ah, you're scared now, [ bleep ]!

>> aahhh! help! >> hang mike pence! >> jimmy: and two years later, the guy who started that remains mar-a-large. two years later, i thought it might be interesting to catch up with some of the old members of team treason to find out what they're up to since the insurrection, starting with the qanon shaman. remember this horny gentleman? [ laughter ] his real name is jake chansley. he's still in prison, which, for him, actually might be an improvement because before he went into prison, he was living with his mom. [ laughter ] there's his mom, martha. she stands by her baby boy. as for jake, he says that when he gets out, he plans to write an autobiography. not sure why he hasn't been using the 22 hours a day in his cell to do that. but i guess he's busy masturbating to videos of marjorie taylor greene doing squats. [ laughter and applause ] next up, jenna ryan, remember the insufferable real estate

agent who took a private jet to the insurrection? there she is, aboard karen air. [ laughter ] she took a private jet then announced via tweet she wouldn't serve time in prison because she's white. that was right before she went to prison. [ cheers ] jenna got out in february and has turned her life around. she's currently attempting to set a guinness world record by demanding to speak to the manager of every yankee candle shop in the state of texas. [ laughter ] then we have richard "bigo" barnett, the unemployed window salesman who broke into nancy pelosi's office with a stun gun, left a note on her desk calling her a bitch. bigo was indicted on three felony counts and is currently awaiting trial. he believes he's being railroaded by the deep state and spends his free time asking strangers outside bait shops to smell his fingers. [ laughter ] meanwhile, a guy cleto and i actually went to high school with in las vegas. his name back then was "elmer," which may have paved the way for the life of turmoil that followed. [ laughter ]

carnival cyclops stewart rhodes, founder of the oath keepers who directed his divorced dad goon squad to start a little civil war, was found guilty in november of seditious conspiracy and now faces up to 20 years in federal prison. weirdly, this is also true, elmer and his lawyer became lovers and she has now been indicted -- [ laughter ] on charges of felony obstruction and document tampering. that's what love does to you. [ laughter ] as for elmer, who wears an eye patch, because the gun rights advocate, he dropped his gun and accidentally shot himself in the face. currently behind bars, sleeping with his one good eye open and probably having collect call phone sex with his ladyfriend lawyer. [ laughter ] and then lastly, we must not forget the supreme leader of the insurrection -- >> we love you, you're very special -- >> who is now a mentally ill imaginary baseball card dealer who lives on a golf course in florida. [ cheers and applause ] spending his days and nights pretending he's still president of the united states. solid group.

they should put 'em all on an island somewhere. january 6th isn't a holiday, of course, but it is a notable day. and to commemorate it, we looked it up, the traditional second anniversary gift is cotton. and so i think if you're looking for a gift for a maga-loving loved one, this might be it. >> celebrate the second anniversary of the insurrection with a gift any red-blooded seditionist would treasure. >> it's amazing. >> january 6th cargo shorts. leave a trigger of your dreams in these high-quality shorts that will have your 8 chan message boards green, and you look proud, boy. there's a pocket for your face paint. a pocket for your raccoon pelt. another for your overdue alimony payment. one to store your stepmom's phone number when you need to post bail. a pocket for a noose that will have mike pence running for a waffle house.

act now and weil we'll fill one of those pockets with a 2000 papa roach cd. every paine pair of january 6th cargo shorts are lovingly assembled in a chinese sweatshop. but we put a big "made in usa" patch right on the ass. do your next insurrection in style in the roomiest shorts this side of a capitol police line. available in xl, xxl, xxxl, and daddy donald. january 6th cargo shorts. call now. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: meanwhile, hell was still breaking loose all week in the house of representatives. we may or may not have a new speaker of the house as of air time. they are voting late into the night as kevin mccarthy tries to get enough right wings to flap in his direction. but not before he lost for a 12th and 13th time today. i don't know why they don't just settle this with penalty kicks. [ laughter ] both sides are getting punchy. this was the scene on the house floor when republicans motioned to adjourn last night. >> the question is on the motion that the house stands adjourned until noon tomorrow.

those in favor say aye. [ shouted ayes ] >> those opposed, no. [ shouted noes ] >> jimmy: well, at least they're having fun with it, i guess. [ laughter ] kevin mccarthy made progress today by opening up a concession stand. handing out concession after concession. there were 20 holdouts this morning. in order to win, he had to come up with something to give them, and you know what? i think he's going to be fine with one kidney. [ laughter ] most donors go on to live very healthy, very productive lines. [ laughter ] and by the way, kevin mccarthy lost all those times in a row, and he wasn't even running against anyone. he lost 13 times running against himself. [ laughter ] he's like the guy at your bachelor party who's getting beaten so badly at the blackjack table, you start to think about calling his wife. [ laughter ] with that said, the "never-kevers" appear to be finally running out of steam. one of the biggest haters is a

guy named bob good. bob serves the commonwealth of virginia and says there is no situation in which he would vote for kevin mccarthy. >> a no? >> absolutely a no. you never have to ask me again if i'm a no on kevin mccarthy. i will never vote for kevin mccarthy. >> no matter -- will others in there vote for him? >> jimmy: gosh, well, wow. i guess that's one less vote for the opposition, huh? speaking of buses, prince harry has been throwing his family under them one by one. last night -- i mentioned he had this book coming out. he recounted a physical altercation he had in which his brother william beat him up pretty badly. and today we got another bit of tid that says at william and kate's wedding, harry was suffering from a frostbitten penis. for real. he admitted this. he got frostbite on an expedition to the north pole. he wrote, "upon arriving home i'd been horrified to discover that my nether regions were

frost nipped. while the ears and cheeks were already healing, the todger wasn't." [ laughter ] very british to refer to your penis as a todger. and very scary. you know, without a functioning todger, it's impossible to rodger. [ laughter ] you can't rodger with a dodgy todger. it's well-documented. but it is crazy to learn that the prince went to his brother's royal wedding with a frozen todger. [ laughter ] and when you really examine the video, listen closely here, it does -- it makes a lot more sense. ♪ >> i froze my todger. psst! >> harry froze his todger. >> dearly beloved, prince harry's hot dog is now a very, very cold dog, as he has frozen his todger. amen.

please rise, since harry's royal wiener cannot. note harry has a frozen knob frozen knob frozen knob ♪ ♪ harry has a frozen knob icy penis ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how did we not catch that the first time around? by the way, there's a fine line between "icy penis" and "i see" penis. [ laughter ] and one more thing before we forge ahead, it's friday night, that means it's time to bleep and blur the big moments of the week whether they need it or not. censorship."eek in unnecessary [ cheers and applause ] >> how were your holidays? >> i had a lot going on, i [ bleep ]ed a lot of [ bleep ] with the boys. >> a high-level source is telling us late tonight kevin mccarthy is closer to [ bleep ]ing off at least 12 more supporters.

>> do you want to just -- >> talk about the elephant in the room, go ahead. >> we can't [ bleep ]. we can't [ bleep ]. >> right. >> it's fine. >> yes. >> it's fine. >> i don't normally [ bleep ], so it's not a big deal for me. >> we know. >> hey, jimmy, how was your new year? i'd love to come on your [ bleep ], mr. jimmy. >> this is the largest [ bleep ] in our conference. look how many people have already put their [ bleep ] in kevin hern. >> bill o'reilly debating what matters, plus [ bleep ]ing your [ bleep ] for real tonight. a lot of [ bleep ]s, a lot of [ bleep ]s. >> which has nothing to do with anything. except that my [ bleep ] shrunk, which has nothing to do with anything my age. >> what are you going to do for you this year? >> that's such a good question. i recently got [ bleep ]ed. >> congratulations. >> what are you doing? 10 seconds to tell us, good luck. >> [ bleep ]ing hard. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we've got a fun show for you tonight. ali wentworth is here. we have music from molly tuttle. and we'll be right back with

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back. tonight, from "the parent test," which you can see right here on abc, ali wentworth is with us. then later, a talented musician of the bluegrass variety. she is up for two grammy awards. her third album is called "crooked tree." molly tuttle from the mercedes eq stage. [ cheers and applause ] next week on our show, we've got a good week. bryan cranston, viola davis, austin butler, judd hirsch, and octavia spencer, with music from iggy pop, chase rice, danielle ponder, and renee rapp. so please join us for all that. after an unprecedented string of defeats in an attempt to become the next speaker of the house, our first guest tonight has decided to return to his true calling, television comedy. his new show, "animal control," premieres february 16th on fox. please welcome joel mchale. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

[ cheers and applause ] >> oh! >> jimmy: that was just how nancy pelosi was planning to come out. [ laughter ] >> i feel like a powerful 82-year-old woman from san francisco. [ laughter ] the hair's backing that up. >> jimmy: yeah, what's going on with your hair? >> transplants have come in, jimmy. i am no longer a bald man, i feel great. feel like john stamos. >> jimmy: i don't even know what to make of that. is it just a different hair caught or what's happening here? >> i decided with all the rain, i'm not going to use any product. people are like, you can't [ bleep ] do that. i am, i'm taking a risk, it's great. >> jimmy: can i tell you something? it reminds me, like our son billy, who's 5, was sick earlier this week -- >> it reminds you of your son

when he was sick? [ laughter ] all right. >> jimmy: you look like a sick 5-year-old. [ laughter ] >> hey, barbershop, do "the sick 5-year-old" on this one, yeah. >> jimmy: you know, kind of sick, kind of extra cute because they're sick, their hair's a little bit messy? that's what you look like. >> oh. thank you. [ laughter ] kind of? >> jimmy: you're welcome. >> thank you so much. i feel like it's always combed back. so i thought -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> i know i'll get [ bleep ] from my wife on it. >> jimmy: yeah. we've spent much too much time and i apologize. >> no, i don't want to talk about anything else. nothing, except that guy's haircut right there. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: have you been following what's going on in the house of representatives? is that on your radar? >> nope. [ laughter ] yeah, no, i love it so much. >> jimmy: you do? >> it's like the most boring version of -- like "groundhog's day" i've ever seen. i'm like, [ bleep ] doing this again?

he's like the -- the fact that we just keep on voting over and over is -- i thought, oh, it's like when i was in an arcade when i was 11 and i was about to go play defender. then the frat boy showed up with $40 worth of quarters and put them all up. he's like, "i'm going to beat this thing if it takes two days." [ laughter ] now it's day four. so i can't. >> jimmy: no defender for you? >> no. so yeah, it was very -- i played "stargate" instead. >> jimmy: "stargate." >> instead of "defender." no one knows what i'm talking about right now. ask your parents what "defender" was. did you go to an arcade when you were a kid? >> many times. we had an arcade that took nickels in my neighborhood. it wasn't that i was born in the '20s or anything like that. they had the old arcade games that you already had on atari. >> wait, "space invaders" cost a nickel? >> yeah, it's called nickelodeon. [ laughter ] it was in las vegas. in las vegas, people put a premium on putting quarters into

machines. if you get nothing out of them, people are mad. so you have to charge a nickel. >> that's amazing. did you ever make any money off of them? >> jimmy: they don't pay out. "pac man" doesn't give you any money. [ laughter ] >> too bad. >> jimmy: just eats the ghost and you go home, yeah. >> i remember the first time i went to las vegas, i was a teenager in a basketball tournament, i am not kidding. my friend snuck us in, we started playing poker. i watched an old lady with a huge thing of quarters pass out, no joke, because she was so happy. then she woke up and began pulling the quarters back to her. and putting them in the cup. my friend looked down, he was like, "she's fine." and i was like, wow, las vegas. >> jimmy: yeah. >> it's just like seattle. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i've lived in both those places. >> this is not part of the preinterview at all. >> jimmy: no, no, in fact -- >> jimmy lived in seattle. you know why he moved away? he was afraid mount ranier was going to erupt. [ laughter ] that is true. >> jimmy: that's what you

remember? >> well, i couldn't -- >> jimmy: that's not why i moved, i moved because i was fired from that job. [ laughter ] i was from many jobs. but you are absolutely correct in that every time i looked at mount ranier, "that's an active volcano and it's going to get us one of these days." [ laughter ] >> you moved here, "earthquakes don't really happen here." [ laughter ] "you can't see the faults." >> jimmy: you can't, that's right. you can't see the earthquake. but when you look at -- it's a physical -- like a threat. it's like -- not only that. it's kind of arrogant to just move to seattle and be like, yeah, i see you, i'm still living here. [ laughter ] you know what i'm saying? >> no. >> jimmy: oh. [ laughter ] >> i've never -- i always thought with a volcano, when i saw that volcano, "i'll have time to get away." [ laughter ] right? it's a volcano, there's going to be a couple of warnings. >> jimmy: you've been shooting up in vancouver, two hours north of seattle. >> yeah, i'm shooting a thing in

vancouver in canada, which is a country just north, just north of here. [ cheers ] my mom's canadian. so, go canucks. kidding. go kraken. >> jimmy: does that mean you can go back and forth as you please since your mother's canadian? >> no, they didn't buy my citizenship. >> jimmy: oh. >> no, i -- yes. so i was -- i am working there right now. it's one of the lovelier cities on the planet. i was trying to get to seattle where i grew up to go to the christmas holidays. and i missed my plane because we work late. so i thought, i'll take an uber. and it said 220 bucks to get to seattle. and, you know, canadian dollars, that's like 8 bucks. [ laughter ] the guy -- as soon as i got in, he was like, "yeah, i can't go over the border." and i was like, "are you a criminal?" because that will be a great story. he said, "no, because if i go into america, then that means i'll be working in america and then i'll be in trouble."

and i was like, "that makes no sense at all, but just get me to the border." where then he told me cancer could be cured with breathing. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: did he really? >> yeah, an hour and a half, i was like, "tell me more!" [ laughter ] i'm being cured right now? he's like, "there's lots of ubers on the other side." then it became "fargo." >> jimmy: oh. >> it was snowing, there was nobody there. >> jimmy: no ubers? >> no ubers, hardly any guards. they were like -- there it is. >> jimmy: you have video. >> i walked into blaine, washington, with my luggage. there was a lot of -- my penis was frozen. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: uh-huh, that happens a lot. >> i just left it on the ground. [ laughter ] i met a guy named john from victoria. >> jimmy: where'd you meet john? >> we met in the wheelhouse bar. >> jimmy: really? >> where a very drunk man said, "i'll take you guys." i was like, "i don't think so."

[ laughter ] for real he said, "i'm going to go home and masturbate, then." [ laughter ] i'm like, "i bet that won't even happen." then we took a two-hour -- they're like, "we can get you as far as bellingham," about an hour, less than an hour away. >> jimmy: you and john? >> me and john were in a cab. we watched a drug deal go down. >> jimmy: what? >> we got some great fentanyl. perfectly cut. and john and i fell in love. [ laughter ] and i left sarah -- there's john. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, there's john. >> that guy. he's a big hunter. big fisherman in wisconsin. from canada. now we've been texting. he's going to be very excited. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: this is like -- >> great guy, you would love him. >> jimmy: this is like "planes, trains and automobiles." >> and my hand was between his butt at one point. [ laughter ] those weren't pillows. it worked out great. >> jimmy: let's take a break. we'll maybe get some mousse on you. we'll be right back with joel mchale.

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holy crap. >> it's huge, have you ever dealt with something like this before? >> no, and i can't tell you how much but something, that's not nothing, just looked out of me in my underwear. >> it's getting tighter. >> remain calm. we're going to unwind it. grab the head. >> i'm not grabbing the head, it's scary and gross. >> very shallow depth charge. grab the head. >> i'm not touching this thing, i was led to believe this job was mostly dog. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're back with joel mchale.

that is his new show, "animal control" premieres february 16th on fox. you play an ex-cop who is now an animal control officer. >> yep. >> jimmy: does that happen? do people make that transition? >> i feel we're telling a story you've heard a thousand times. joseph campbell references it. i don't know, and i don't care. >> jimmy: you don't. >> but there are -- animal control is real. >> jimmy: yeah, sure. >> they really go after -- i mean, you can -- here in california, removing raccoons and coyotes or snakes. that was a burmese python. and i was like, is that -- could it kill me? they're like, an african rock python would kill you in five minutes, but this is fine, it ate two weeks ago. [ laughter ] but the cast is dynamite. >> jimmy: who's in the cast? >> michael rolen. that was him just there. and grace palmer. i can't go all -- >> jimmy: you can't remember? >> robby patel. no. i can keep going. but they're all really funny folks. and they're way more talented

than i am but much younger. >> jimmy: you enjoy working with the animals? >> i love it, yes, i'm fine with it. >> jimmy: look at that. [ audience moaning ] guillermo, what you ran away from, that's joe's costar right there. >> this is my assistant. >> jimmy: how long -- >> this is whiskers. >> jimmy: whiskers? >> if i'm -- yeah here, i'll get him. >> jimmy: guillermo, do you want to help with this? >> guillermo: no, thank you, jimmy, i'll pass. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: hi, whiskers, how are you? whiskers -- you know, the thing about these snakes is -- >> here. >> jimmy: as if they're not scary enough, they have red eyes like the devil too. [ laughter ] >> have you touched a snake before? >> jimmy: yeah, i've touched a snake, sure. >> go ahead, let's do it again. >> jimmy: there's no tricks that are going to happen? >> no, it feels like a really nice -- >> jimmy: its head is getting near -- >> you have to touch it to get near it. >> jimmy: do these have fangs? >> they do have fangs. all snakes do.

unless you order them without fangs. if i'm right, i think if it's the right sex, then it will have -- >> jimmy: is that the end of the snake or is that you? [ laughter ] >> yes, right here, this part is frozen. >> jimmy: i touched it, yeah. [ laughter ] >> here's the tail of the snake. you can see the little butt right there. i can't show you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: by the way, would we have to blur a snake's butt hole out if we were to show it here? see, now, this is how they kill you. wow. >> there, there i got -- there. [ laughter ] great. all right. guillermo, come on over. >> guillermo: sorry. >> jimmy: i'm not crazy about snakes but guillermo is really not crazy about snakes. >> guillermo: no, i'm afraid of snakes. >> i'll give you 100 bucks if you come over and touch it. >> guillermo: no, no, no. [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: you know what i want to do, i want to graphically remove the snake from your body, then we'll play you asking guillermo to come over and say, i'll give you 100 bucks to touch it. [ laughter ] >> guillermo: sorry, man. very scary. >> how about 300 bucks? [ cheers and applause ] >> guillermo: no. >> $400. >> guillermo: no. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, by the way, you worked with a monkey on "community." you guys are working on a movie, right? >> yeah, we're making the "community" movie in june. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: is the monkey in the "community" movie? >> chris crystal. i don't know. i don't know if crystal will be there. >> jimmy: it would be fun to feed the monkey to the snake. [ laughter ] just to show you've moved on. >> i feel the movie would take a different tone.

>> jimmy: maybe, yeah. >> starting out with a snake devouring a beloved monkey. >> jimmy: it's a plan, but yeah. >> maybe if the monkey was named andy's boobs. no joke. i can say kim jeong is going to be in it. >> jimmy: he is? in the snake or in "the community"? >> i'm going to tell him exactly what the response was. "kim jeong will be in it." "ken, did you hear that?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's great to have you here. not so much the snake. thank you for being with us. weirdly, nancy pelosi was also going to bring a big snake. [ laughter ] name is kevin mccarthy. >> oh! [ cheers and applause ] [ rim shot ] >> jimmy: did you ever get worried -- they've been there so many days in a row, how many sport coats and white shirts and red ties do these people own? [ laughter ] it's like first communion over and over and over again. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: joel mchale, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] the show is "animal control."

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>> lou: and now let's play "who's related to jimmy?" which of these people is related to jimmy? is it the lady in the turtleneck? the adorable grandma? that baby sure looks suspicious. but wait -- who's that guy up there? >> i'm jonathan, jimmy's baby brother. you know, jimmy and i, when we were young, things weren't always easy between the two of us. there were some dark times. he liked to pin me to the ground, spit in my mouth -- >> lou: okay. and that's all the time we have. thanks, jonathan! psych! and i'm about to steal this game from you just like i stole kelly carter in high school.

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there. music from molly tuttle is on the way. our next guest is many things. author, actress, comedian, and mom, who put raising her kids on hold to co-host a show about raising kids.

it's called "the parent test." you can watch it thursday nights here on abc. please say hello to ali wentworth. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you? you smell very good. >> thank you. >> jimmy: how's your stephanopoulos doing? >> he's doing very well. he's at home in new york with our children. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. your husband in case people don't know, is george stephanopoulos. >> clooney -- or stephanopoulos. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how long have you been married? >> 21 years. >> jimmy: do you now know how to spell his last name? >> i do not. [ laughter ] that's why i'm wentworth. i'm not an idiot. >> jimmy: you're hosting this show called -- >> "the parent test," yes. >> jimmy: interesting, i think. >> i think interesting. it was a big hit in australia.

and they brought it to america. when they came to me with the show i thought, i'm a parent, i have parents. all i talk about is parenting. there's no handbook for being a parent, as we all know. >> jimmy: there are, but who knows if they're right. >> don't read them. [ laughter ] you know, you're basically put in a dinghy and just sort of pushed out to sea. you've got to figure it out. every kid is different. so this show is these couples that are kind of different parenting styles. like free range, discipline, high achievement. and we put them through challenges. like stranger danger, all kinds of stuff. and it's fascinating. >> jimmy: you test them, and if they fail the test, their children are taken away by the police, yes? >> yes. [ laughter ] not by the police, they're just people in hoods. but yes. and we're not saying that one style is the right style. but when you watch it, it's like you have a little toolbox and you go, oh, that's a good idea. i think i'm going to do that.

there's not a winner of the parenting style. >> jimmy: the only losers are the children, really. [ laughter ] >> the only losers are -- yes. i mean, we're not all -- >> jimmy: what is your parenting style? [ laughter ] >> my parenting style is, i don't know what the hell i'm doing. >> jimmy: uh-huh? >> george is the same way. >> jimmy: you're just honest about that. >> yes. >> jimmy: do you pretend with the kids that you know what you're doing? >> they know we don't. [ laughter ] much like i think jane and billy probably don't know what the hell you and molly are doing. >> jimmy: no, they don't, but we pretend we know what we're doing. >> that's smart, very smart. >> jimmy: is it? because -- >> they have to assume that you know what's going on. that's how you -- >> jimmy: yes. >> -- create boundaries. you're learning so much from me, i'm so happy. >> jimmy: yeah. >> no, i always feel like i'm reading a sitcom script when i'm acting like a mom. i'm like, "don't you talk to me like --" that kind of stuff that feels so not me. >> jimmy: yeah. >> one time our eldest, elliot,

was being really sassy. i said to her, "you go to your room right now!" she slammed down the hallway, the door slams, i hear, "i hate you, ali wentworth!" i went walking down to the room. i opened the door. "it's, i hate you mom, don't sully the brand." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: what about george? he seems very calm all the time. >> yes. >> jimmy: is he like -- does he bring down the hammer ever? what is he like as a dad? >> i wouldn't say he brings down the hammer. when you first marry somebody, you don't really -- i mean, george and i knew each other for five minutes. [ laughter ] you don't really know what kind of a spouse they're going to be. >> jimmy: no. >> but when you have children with somebody, you don't know what kind of parent they're going to be. when i got pregnant -- >> jimmy: george did that to you, right? [ laughter ] >> i mean, who really knows. but let's assume it was george. [ laughter ]

i had this thing called hyperemesis, which is where you throw up everything. water, goldfish, you know. cheerios. it doesn't matter what i put in. and i remember george and i had not been married very long. and i was on the living room floor, totally naked, throwing up. and he came home from work. and i saw the look in his eyes, and it was like -- "what have i done?" [ laughter ] "i married that." >> jimmy: yeah, yes. >> we didn't read any books because, you know -- i sort of perused "what to expect when you're expecting" which reads like a stephen king novel to me. [ laughter ] we didn't do lamaze, we didn't do anything. >> jimmy: what about in the delivery room? was he good? >> on the way to the delivery room, i went into labor. we were driving to the hospital in washington, d.c. and, you know, i'm -- i got my feet on the dashboard. i can barely breathe. sure i was crowning. george pulls into the parking lot across the street from the hospital. and i said, "honey, pull up to

the emergency room, i'm in labor." and george is like, "well, that's not an emergency." [ laughter ] so he's going in satellite g-5 parking structure. and i was like, "you can drop me off, then go park, if you really need a parking spot." so finally we went into the hospital. i went in. i started having the baby. and here's a problem with being married to somebody who's famous. i'm in labor. and he looks down, which you shouldn't do. >> jimmy: uh-huh? >> stay up here by me, don't microwave a piece of lasagna and watch the birth. [ laughter ] they're like, "oh, look, the baby." he goes down, they give him the scissors to cut the umbilical cord. i see george get light gray. "i don't feel so well." they're like, "are you okay?" all of a sudden the nurse, doctor, everybody goes to george. "are you okay? do you need smelling salts? here, sit down. move it, lady!" [ laughter ]

they're caring for george, who feels a little peckish. i have a baby hanging out of my vagina. i'm like, "hi, hi!" [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] he got some pepsi cola, then he was fine. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: do you and george ever disagree on how to handle the children? >> no. we do a lot of, "what are you going to do about it?" "well, what are you going to do about it?" "i'm going to l.a. to do kimmel, you deal with this." [ laughter ] we come from very different families. >> jimmy: right. >> his rearing, which is such a weird word. he was reared in a different way than i was. >> jimmy: he was reared greek style, yeah. >> he was reared greek style, lot of sheep. and i was just abandoned. >> jimmy: right. >> so the best example i can give you of our sort of different parenting styles that come from our families, because you know, we have parents that when we become parents, we're

either reacting against our parents or we're taking the things we loved about our parents and doing it to our kids. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so our eldest daughter, elliot, was being christened. my father-in-law is a priest. it's a very big deal. in my family, crazy, waspy, drinky family, when you're christened, you get holy water. then you go have mimosas and eggs benedict. you don't spend a lot of time in the church. in the greek orthodox church, it's a very big deal. >> jimmy: they sing, the whole thing -- >> sing, candles, there's ins sense -- [ laughter ] we bring her to the church. i'm thinking, holy water, and we're out for brunch. and a towel was laid out. my father-in-law, the priest, took all her clothes off. and laid her down. and suddenly he was rubbing my baby in oil. and i turned to george and i said, "if he puts oregano and a lemon up her ass, i'm out of here." [ laughter ]

he takes the baby. and there's a -- again, remember, holy water. there is a copper pot. he takes the baby, and he submerges my daughter in the water. so she's going like this. that's going on. and i look over and the greeks in the church, they have the plastic cameras. "opa, this is so great!" i look over my family, my mother is looking at my sisters going, "look away, look away!" [ laughter ] and i asked her, it was like two movies being played, "it's a wonderful life" and "the texas chainsaw massacre." and that is how we started our parenting lives. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: ali wentworth, "the parent test" thursday nights at 9:00 here on abc. we'll be right back with molly tuttle!

♪ california sky ♪ ♪ todos alcanzamos las estrellas ♪ ♪ sunny state of mind ♪ ♪ flexin' all the time ♪ ♪ todo es dorado ♪

♪ feels so golden ♪ ♪ vive en el estado dorado ♪ >> jimmy: thanks to joel mchale and ali wentworth. apologies to matt damon. "nightline" is next but first, her grammy-nominated album is called "crooked tree." here with the title track, molly tuttle and golden highway! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ two trees in the forest one was crooked one was straight ♪

♪ crimson bark and emerald needles growing day by day ♪ ♪ and though they looked so different they enjoyed ♪ ♪ the rain the same side by side a chickadee had told them ♪ ♪ of a darkness on the land spinning blades that came to visit ♪ ♪ carried by a man and every other tree would see them ♪ ♪ cut down where they stand by and by oh can't you see ♪ ♪ a crooked tree won't fit into the mill machine they're left to ♪ ♪ grow wild and free oh i'd rather be a crooked tree ♪ ♪ ♪ the perfect trees were driven

down the mountain ♪ ♪ to the mill they turned them into toothpicks ♪ ♪ and 20 dollar bills it seemed the more the people took ♪ ♪ the more they needed still in the end the crooked trees ♪ ♪ were left there after all the work was done ♪ ♪ now they go for weeks and never witness anyone no one left to ♪ ♪ tell them if they're growing right or wrong but the whispering wind ♪ ♪ oh can't you see a crooked tree won't fit into the mill machine ♪ ♪ they're left to grow wild and free i'd rather be ♪ ♪ a crooked tree ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ people say i'm different my way of life seems strange ♪ ♪ i took the road less traveled twists and turns along the way ♪ ♪ but like the crooked tree i'm growing stronger day by day as the clouds roll by ♪ ♪ a river never wonders why it flows around the bend ♪ ♪ a mountain doesn't question how it rose up ♪ ♪ from the land so who am i to wish i wasn't just the way i am ♪ ♪ who am i oh can't you see a crooked tree won't fit ♪ ♪ into the mill machine they're left to grow wild and free ♪ ♪ oh i'd rather be a crooked tree a crooked tree won't fit ♪ ♪ into the mill machine they're left to grow wild and free ♪ ♪ i'd rather be a crooked tree oh i'd rather be ♪ ♪ a crooked tree ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] this is "nightline." >> juju: tonight, priced out of paradise. native hawaiians displaced from the island home they love. >> behind closed doors, i would bawl my eyes out.