ama: thank you so much for watching. dan: for all of us, we appreciate your time here. dan: -- ama: we hope you have a great night. ♪ >> dicky: from the caesars entertainment's zappos theater, it's "jimmy kimmel live" in las vegas! tonight -- kevin hart, jimmy drives a lyft around vegas, and music from marshmello featuring chvrches. with cleto and the cletones.

and now, double or nothin' -- jimmy kimmel! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. welcome! very nice. hi, everybody, welcome to the show. i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thank you for coming. welcome to night three of our week-long residency in las vegas. [ cheers and applause ] that is very kind. please relax. we are coming to you from the on the las vegas strip. [ cheers and applause ] i learned something interesting tonight. that's really nice of you, thank you. did you know that on this very stage in 2015, steve harvey mistakenly told miss colombia she was miss universe?

[ laughter ] then forgot to say april fools' afterwards. there's a lot of history here. we've been having a very good time here in las vegas. i rolled into town with a 1-year-old, a 4-year-old, my parents and mother-in-law. not exactly the rat pack, but you do what you have to do. [ laughter ] vegas is a great place for kids. there are sharks and dolphins. they have a pool in every hotel. there's a ferris wheel. there's a butterfly sanctuary. it is also a terrible place for children. [ laughter ] there are strippers on the sidewalk. trucks advertising girls to your room with naked women on them. people are smoking. people are gambling, there are bachelorettes crying and carrying their shoes. [ laughter ] and, you know, kids, they soak it up. and so we're crossing the street from the link, just down the block. we're waiting for the light to change. and there's a country song blasting out of jimmy buffett's margaritaville. and it's a song called "hick town" by jason aldean.

i think it came out about ten years ago. do you know this song? in the middle of the song, he says the word "butt crack." [ laughter ] he sings -- ♪ you can see the neighbor's butt crack nailing on his shingles ♪ my wife heard and it reacted. and my daughter jane's like, what are you laughing at? and my wife's like, i'm not laughing. and jane doesn't bite. she says what was that word were you laughing at? i don't know what you were talking about. i wasn't laughing. but then the light changes and jane just starts shouting "butt crack! butt crack! but crack" in all different ways 48 times. people are laughing, staring. it was the longest crosswalk ever. now that word has become a major part of her vocabulary, so thanks, vegas, for all the butt cracks! [ cheers and applause ] we have to get them out of here before they turn out like me. last night a bunch of our staff

got together for a very late night of carousing. and apparently, guillermo had a rough night. i'm not sure he's going to be able to make it to the show tonight. >> jimmy, jimmy, jimmy! >> jimmy: oh, hey, look at this! ♪ look at this! what's happening? how are you? >> what's up, everybody? >> jimmy: it's carrot top, everybody! how are you doing? >> i brought some stuff for you. hope you like this. this is good for everybody tonight, seriously, this is great. make your friends wear this when they go out drinking tonight. when they pass out, leave them wherever the hell they are. [ applause ] we'll be back. this one's brand-new. it's still wet. it's a new wedding cake for nicolas cage. >> jimmy: oh! [ laughter ] >> i put it on an etch-a-sketch. he's a friend, too. crap! >> jimmy: that's convenient. >> is it taco night? it should be taco night, right? >> jimmy: it's taco wednesday. >> tacos every night.

i made this. it's the mexi-can opener. [ laughter ] this might be my best stuff ever. >> jimmy: what else do you have? >> this is the deluxe model of the mexi-can opener. you want to see it? it's going to be great. >> jimmy: i would love to see it. [ cheers and applause ] >> i think this opens a can of beer. yeah! >> hi! hi, vegas! [ cheers and applause ] >> there's the mexi-can opener. have a great night! >> jimmy: carrot top, everybody! >> yeah! ♪ >> jimmy: carrot top, carrot top. that was quite an entrance, guillermo. how are you feeling? seriously? how do you feel right now? >> terrible, terrible, terrible. >> jimmy: so you put on quite a show last night.

i got a lot of videos this morning. >> wow. i don't, i don't remember too much. >> jimmy: well, fortunately, many members of our staff were there and captured it on videotape. i thought it would be fun to share with our audience. this is guillermo in action doing live karaoke at the cosmo last night. ♪ ♪ soy capitan soy capitan ♪ ♪ ba ba la bamba ♪ >> jimmy: you're la-bombed. >> yeah! >> jimmy: you realize you've had your shirt off on the show every night this week. [ laughter ] >> i like it, i like to show my six pack. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what are you doing after the show tonight? what's your plan? >> nothing. i'm going to bed. i'm tired. >> jimmy: really? >> yes. >> jimmy: i find that hard to believe.

>> no, i was [ bleep ]. i'm going to party tonight, too! yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, we have a fully-clothed show for you tonight. kevin hart is here. [ cheers and applause ] we have music from marshmello featuring churches. krm [ cheers and applause ] that isn't the closest thing to the weirdest thing happening tonight in las vegas. i want to say congratulations to carolyn goodman who was re-elected yesterday as mayor of las vegas for the third term. [ cheers ] voter turnout, only 22,000 people voted. [ laughter ] more people saw donny and marie at the flamingo last week than voted for mayor. [ laughter ] so one of the great things about las vegas, and you don't know this if you don't live here, but we have the best, and by best, i

mean worst, local advertisements of any city in america. [ cheers and applause ] this has been the case since i was a kid. i was very happy to learn when i turned the television on, that this tradition was still alive and well thanks in no small part to a store called the nevada coin mart. [ applause ] >> diamond rolex watches! the best of las vegas! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's good stuff. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: there's a special place in my heart and in the hearts, i know, of many of you

who lived here in the '80s for our ludicrous local ads of the past. so we combed through youtube to bring you this tv time capsule of some of the best vegas commercials from when i was growing up here. >> ben stepman yugo in henderson, of course. >> who stops at the jewellers? >> hi, i'm michael cooper speaking for the jewelers of las vegas. >> i'm larry johnson. >> winners love to buy their jewelry from mordecai. >> if you find another price anywhere for the same quality merchandise, i'll refund it to you in cash. >> and he's not pulling any punches. >> as low as 10 cents on the dollar. >> i'm happy harry. welcome to quality liquidators. >> easy credit. >> i trust everybody. >> qualify liquidators. >> i make everybody happy. >> hello. oh, hey, fred, i need your help. >> are you talking to me? >> i really need your help. my owner lost his truck and his credit in a divorce. now he can't take me to the park anymore.

>> that's right, fred. >> no problem. i can finance you. did you hear that? if i can finance him i can finance you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that guy -- the gentleman who said, if i can finance him, and i will, i will finance you, was fred. fred happened to be the second famous person i interviewed on the radio when i was in radio here. the first was the great fighter leon spooeinks who is here toni. hello, leon. heavyweight champion of the world! [ cheers and applause ] that's right. fred, sadly, was unable to attend. thank you for coming, leon. i lived in las vegas from age 9 to 18. i had a fewer jobs. i worked at coastal seafood

cleaning up fish. i sold reeboks. i delivered pizza. i thought it would be fun to have one more job here. the best stuff in vegas happens in the middle of the night. so i decided to take a part time job working the late shift as a driver. before you see this, know that i have a terrible sense of direction. i never know where i'm going. a lot of those pizzas i delivered were cold when i showed up. [ laughter ] but that didn't stop me from picking up a shift with lyft. here we go, everybod i got a customer. yeah. it says ashley. ashley's at the travelodge. let's see. i think i'm going to have to make a left. where could that be? i got to go straight now. it's telling me. oh, [ bleep ]. i'm not going to be able to go straight. this is bad, guys. i'm going to have to jump over here and make a left. yeah, it's telling me to make the next left, and there's a little man figure standing

there, but it's also confusing. now it's telling me to go back the other wa i hope they saw this sign that says "expect delays." well, you're warned. i'm the worst lyft driver. hi, ashley, how are you doing? >> good. we have been watching you the whole time. >> jimmy: oh, trying to find me? this is my first day this is my first ride that i've ever given. >> hey, jimmy ki >> honey, i know who you are. >> jimmy: you do? okay. >> it was like, why is he turning? if he would have went straight you would have been here by now. >> jimmy: you are like, there goes that idiot. >> there goes his $2 tip. >> jimmy: where are you guys headed? >> to the luxe to the luxor. >> jimmy: all right. >> what brings you to vegas?

>> jimmy: i picked up a side job just for fun. >> just for fun. >> jimmy: you want to see the town? >> sure. we're going in the exact opposite direction of the luxor. we're going to go wherever you take us. >> jimmy: okay, we're not headed toward the luxor, you're right. i'll show you the las vegas people really don't get to see. >> perfect. >> jimmy: we have to go up the strip for that. >> all right, honey, let's do it. >> jimmy: we're heading off the strip. passing caesars palace. i used to bowl at the gold coast. would you guys like something? i have all kinds of snacks, i have water. i have gum. i don't know if you're hungry, i also have shrimp. i have cocktail sauce and everything. this beautiful area is very close to where i, i was raised. >> did you steal from the burger king? >> jimmy: no, never really stole

anything.

my band member, cleto, every time we went out, we'd stop in an adult bookstore and he'd steal something. >> adult bookstore? >> jimmy: yeah, he'd steal a giant sex toy, somehow get it into his pants. then he would smuggle it out. even we didn't know he had it. >> your band leader? this man ended up in prison. >> jimmy: no, he ended up on television. [ laughter ] >> oh. >> jimmy: this walgreens was where i worked. it was a miller's outpost clothing store. i went to church down that way. you probably don't want to see that. my friend tommy lived down the block. my friend jimmy lived here. this is so uninteresting to everyone but me. there's so many foot spas now in my neighborhood. it's crazy. >> this is chinatown. >> jimmy: this is chinatown now, yeah. >> this is chinatown now. >> jimmy: you didn't know i was chinese? >> shocker. >> jimmy: this is my junior high school. >> to the left? >> jimmy: yeah, right here. kenny winn junior high school. >> looks like a prison. >> jimmy: i was in the band here. >> what did you play? >> jimmy: clarinet. it really drove the women crazy. you guys follow me. i'm on a roll now and there's no stopping it. i got in a fight with a kid named hugo right here at this intersection. he had no neck, and i pointed that out, and he was mad. and he beat the crap out of me. this is my house, right here. >> oh, wow. >> jimmy: i grew up right there. yeah. what time is it right now? >> 1:30 a.m. >> jimmy: well, they're probably up, right? let's ring the bell and see what happens. >> it looks like somebody walked out the door. >> jimmy: oh, good, there is somebody here. how's it going? i'm jimmy kimmel. >> nice to meet you. >> jimmy: i grew up in this house. >> i heard that when i bought it. >> jimmy: any way we can go in the house? >> place is a mess, i'm not going to lie. >> jimmy: it was a mess when we were there, too. >> yeah, we can come in. >> jimmy: all right, great. you guys want to go in? >> let's go! ♪

>> jimmy: boy, it seems smaller. our tv was over here and the couch was over here. i used to stand up there. that was my room right there. this story is probably too dirty for television, but i went to the video time and rented a porno, and i was very excited. and, and i put it in the vcr. it was the only one. it was down here, and i put it in, and it made so much noise. chong, chong, chong! and i just sensed something is off, something is wrong. and i slowly turn around and i realize my mother's sleeping right here. [ laughter ] and i quietly zipped my pants up. ejected the thing, the tape, my heart pounding. [ laughter ] do you still have a pool in the back yard? >> yeah. >> jimmy: come on out and see the pool. >> hot diggity. >> jimmy: i spent many hours in this pool. why do you have a car door with bullet holes in it? [ laughter ] you're not a mafia target or

anything like that? >> no. >> jimmy: okay. someone crashed through this wall and died here in our back yard. i was in this bedroom right here. i didn't even hear it. i slept through the whole thing. did you know somebody died in your yard? >> no. no. >> jimmy: somebody died in your yard. [ laughter ] how well do you know your roommate? >> pretty well. >> jimmy: let's go visit them. let's go. because he's in my room, technically. >> hey, you might want to open the door, there's somebody you might want to meet. >> jimmy: what's up? how you doing? did you know i grew up in this room? >> i heard rumors of it. >> jimmy: can i come in? >> yeah, sure. >> jimmy: all right. it's much hipper than it was when i lived in here, that's for sure. this is where i learned to enjoy my penis. [ laughter ] right there in that area where your desk is now. do you ever sense my spirit in here or anything like that? >> not until today.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, you can go back to bed. thanks for letting us in my room. >> it was a pleasure to meet you. i'm sorry i couldn't be more wakeful. >> jimmy: mom, get him out of my room! thanks, guys. thanks for letting us in in the middle of the night. i wonder where donny and marie live. i'd like to go wake them up. wouldn't that be fun? >> jimmy, this has been fun. this has been an absolute delight. >> jimmy: i'm glad you guys had fun. i feel like if i had taken my kids on this tour or something like this, they would have had no interest in it whatsoever. >> because they're your kids. >> jimmy: because it was so weird, you guys were in interested in it. in a way, we were the perfect team. we didn't go a direct route, but i got you to your destination. that's what's most important, right? >> hey, we asked for a local tour, and i feel like we were appropriately given that. you have earned your tip. >> jimmy: it's nice -- oh, a tip, that's nice. well, you owe me $385. [ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we've got a great show for you tonight. we have music from marshmello featuring churches, and we'll be right back with kevin hart in las vegas! welcome to my digestive system. it's pretty calm in here with align probiotic. you see... your gut has good and bad bacteria. when you get off balance, you may feel it. the bloating, the gas - but align helps me trust my gut again. because now, there's new align bloating relief plus food digestion. it contains a probiotic to help relieve occasional bloating plus has vitamin b12 to help breakdown food. align probiotic. welcome to an align gut. who says you can't go for bold without going broke... get the brands you want,

the prices you want, whenever you want. tj maxx where you can always afford to be you to the maxx. [sfx: oven ding] we make sit-down chicken... stand-up chicken... backyard chicken... oops chicken... and all-smiles chicken. if there's one thing we know, it's chicken, chicken and chicken. more choices. more wow. [sfx: oven ding] more to love. tyson. i'm steve. i lost 138 pounds in 9 months more choices. more wow. [sfx: oven ding] on golo and taking release. golo saved my life. i was way overweight, and that's what sent me down the path, was i--i wanted to make sure and live for my kid. plain and simple.

big moment here for charles who ate a big 'ole bowl of raisin bran crunch and packed a downright immaculate carry-on. big chuck, you sock rollin son of a... ♪ they'll be here in 5, we ready? - there's uh... - oh. left. left. i don't have it. i don't have it. - keep going. - we should've used behr. yeah. today let's paint. right now, get america's most trusted paint brand at a new low price starting at $28.98. behr. only at the home depot.

♪ ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to the show here in las vegas. we have a special guest sitting in with the cletones, a las vegas legend, the great jerry lopez. [ cheers and applause ] my band member, cleto, played in his band, santa fe, which is now known as santa fe and the fat city horns. jerry lopez will be with us all night tonight. >> thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: also tonight, this song is called "here with me." marshmello with churches. [ cheers and applause ] from the mercedes-benz las vegas stage. they have quite a show planned for us. tomorrow night on the show, seth rogen and mike tyson will join

us, music from iggy azalea. friday, celine dion, chris tucker, perhaps a surprise or two. are you holding up? are you all right? >> i feel terrible. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you do? >> yeah, it sucks. >> jimmy: i'm a little concerned. we saw the video of you singing karaoke, taking your shirt off again. [ laughter ] but this is a photograph that was taken about an hour later. and this is guillermo in the casino. [ laughter and applause ] passed out in front of a slot machine. it's not -- >> i don't remember that! i swear to god, i don't remember that. >> jimmy: right, you know why? you're unconscious. that's why. [ laughter ] >> crazy. >> jimmy: oh, boy, when does your wife get here? >> uh, ah -- [ laughter ] >> i think friday. >> jimmy: you think friday, very good. we are halfway through the week. guillermo's almost done.

our guest tonight is a major motion picture star. he's a hugely successful standup comic. [ cheers and applause ] he has a new special called "irresponsible" available to stream on netflix. place say hello to kevin hart! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very good to see you, kevin. thank you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: it's kind of funny, because for us, it's a huge group. this is intimate. this is a smaller crowd than you're used to. >> comedy club. >> jimmy: yeah, it's like a comedy club.

>> no, you guys are amazing. thank you so much, man. i appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: when was the last time you went to your childhood home? have you done that thing where you go in and visit the people? >> no. if i do that where i'm from, i'll get punched in the damn face. [ laughter ] sdw you think so? >> i can't just run up in somebody home where i'm from. i went there, i actually took my kids to my childhood home. i was trying to teach a lesson, have a great parenting moment, and i was like, i want to show you the difference in how you guys are coming up and how your dad was raised. so we go to philadelphia, i'm going to take you to my -- [ cheers ] shouts out to philadelphia if you're here, got some fellow philadelphians. i take them to where i grew up, and i'm expecting a reaction like oh, my god, dad, this is crazy, i can't believe you lived here. instead, this is so cool! question want to live here! i'm like, shut up! [ laughter ]

shut up, listen to me, it's nothing! it's not lesson that i'm tryin', look, this was tough for me. no, we want to stay here, let's stay the night! everybody in the car, everybody get in the car, lesson's over. forget it, forget it. >> jimmy: how often do you come to las vegas, pretty regularly, right? >> not as much as i used to. you know. vegas hasn't been so good to me. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: why do you say that? >> not as much. i got in some damn trouble in vegas. [ laughter ] i keep my ass out of vegas. as much as i can. i used to come a lot, though. >> jimmy: you're not allowed to come anymore? >> no, sir. no, sir. i'm still shaking. i'm lookin' over my back every two seconds, hey, what you doin'? no, vegas, vegas is fun, but i think as you get older, vegas changes for you. i got a little older, man, and i done lost so much [ bleep ] money. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah, that's one of the biggest problems for me, looking

at it and saying, i done gave them a lot of money for no reason at all. >> jimmy: what do you play? >> i play blackjack. i like blackjack. i like to play poker. if you guys go to some of the casinos i've been you'll actually see where my losses have went. i think at the cosmopolitan, i'm responsible for the chandelier. i definitely put that up. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i wondered why your face was on it. >> yeah. yeah. that's me. at aria, they recently got leather walls in the elevator, i'm quite sure i did that, that's me. [ laughter ] there's some carpet -- any time i see things change after a loss i go, yep, that's me right there. i definitely did that. [ laughter ] i'm interior decorating. >> jimmy: why do you think it is? you're probably overall a very lucky person. do you bet a lot? >> i don't think that's none of your business. [ laughter ] you don't need to get into my specific habit.

>> jimmy: have you ever bet so much that you've been really nervous? >> yeah, every [ bleep ]. yeah. [ laughter ] every, every bet. i'm going to tell you one of the worst things that happened to me. >> jimmy: okay. >> i'm having like a phenomenal shoot, for those people who play blackjack, a shoe is a deck of cards. you're going through it, and it's just going great. i'm hot. and there's a hand where i get like two eights. and i bit, you know, i bet a ridiculous amount of money on the hand, and i'm like, all right, i got to split that. i'm talkin' to myself. >> jimmy: what does the dealer have? >> the dealer had a 6 showing. a 6 showing. i'll never forget this. i got two 8s. i'm like, i got to split that. i split them and get another 8. hey, scared money don't make no money. [ laughter ] right, let's go. i'm so excited. i split them. gimme. nope, split that one too, another 8. four 8s out there.

i done split them all. at this point, a little piece of poop came out my butt. [ laughter ] at this point i'm extremely nervous, because i've never seen anything like this. but it's people around, so i'm trying to play it cool. i'm like, hey, hey, all right, okay, all right, all right. what now? what we got to do now? hit that, hit the first one, a three come out. the dealer looks at me, she's like, you got to double down. [ laughter ] and i'm like, yeah, i know, i know. i got to double down. let's go ahead and double down. she said, do you want to see it face up or down? i said, i don't want to see it. [ laughter ] she put it down. the next one comes out. it's a 2. now i got a 10. she goes, oh my god. you got to doubling down again. [ laughter ] at this point my palms are sweating. i said, i don't want to seat. face down. okay. the next card comes out, 10, i got 18. on the last one, i had another 10.

the dealer had a 6 showing. okay? all right, here we go. it's go time. the dealer turns over the card underneath it. in slow motion. it was, i saw it. it was a 5. [ laughter ] i said uh, uh, you got to be [ bleep ]. oh god. oh, oh, not like this! not like this. [ laughter ] i'm like, go slow, go slow, go slow. [ laughter ] dealers, you know, dealers are fast to the point where you can't count. you ever try to add it up but you don't know where you're at? i know it's a 5 out there, right? she had a 5. boom, real fast. it was a 3. i was, oh, oh, oh, what's that, what's that? she was like, are you ready? i said, no, no, count that, what is that, what is that? [ laughter ] you got 14. go slow, go slow. real fast, ace, ace. oh, my god! what's going on? what you got? 15! like slow motion. i've never seen anything like it

if my life. real fast, what? 6! 21. she took the money. she didn't even look me in the eye. [ laughter ] i just sat there. i kept counting it. i was like, hold on. wait, hold on. [ laughter ] 11 plus 3, that's 14, you got an ace, ace -- that puts you -- all right, right there. think you got the -- hold on, wait a minute, wait a second. [ laughter ] all right, what'd i have? what are these? what do i have? lift all that up. that's nothing? this ain't nothing? none of this is nothing, huh? [ laughter ] here's what pissed me off. there's a guy behind me. he goes, man, that's [ bleep ] crazy, ain't it? [ laughter ] i was so pissed, so pissed off. that was the longest walk to my room i've ever had. >> jimmy: maybe it's best you're not allowed to come back. kevin hart is with us.

his netflix show is "irresponsible." we'll be right back. with artificial intelligence, groundbreaking transparent hood technology, and intuitive design inside and out. ♪ ♪ this is the all-new glc. completely reimagined. ♪ zyrtec! ♪ works hard at hour one and twice as hard when you take it again the next day. so betty can be the... barcode beat conductor. let's be more than our allergies! and for fast, allergy relief with a powerful decongestant, try zyrtec-d. at marshalls, our buyers hustle every day to get you great deals on all the good stuff. like this stuff and that stuff and ooh, that's some really good stuff.

we get the deals. you get the good stuff. marshalls. sometimes jonah wrestles with falling asleep... ...so he takes zzzquil. the world's #1 sleep aid brand for a better night sleep. so now, he wakes up feeling like himself. the reigning family room middle-weight champion. better days start with zzzquil nights. what if magic could happen on main street? what if i could walk into a cartoon world? if i could watch heroes save the day... ...and become a hero myself? what if stories could come to life?

new surprises await at the disney100 celebration, only at the disneyland resort. type 2 diabetes? at the disney100 celebration, discover the ozempic® tri-zone. in my ozempic® tri-zone, i lowered my a1c, cv risk, and lost some weight. in studies, the majority of people reached an a1c under 7 and maintained it. ozempic® lowers the risk of major cardiovascular events such as stroke, heart attack, or death in adults also with known heart disease.

and you may lose weight. adults lost up to 14 pounds. ozempic® isn't for people with type 1 diabetes. don't share needles or pens, or reuse needles. don't take ozempic® if you or your family ever had medullary thyroid cancer, or have multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2, or if allergic to it. stop ozempic® and get medical help right away if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, severe stomach pain, or an allergic reaction. serious side effects may include pancreatitis. gallbladder problems may occur. tell your provider about vision problems or changes. taking ozempic® with a sulfonylurea or insulin may increase low blood sugar risk. side effects like nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea may lead to dehydration, which may worsen kidney problems. ask your health care provider about the ozempic® tri-zone. you may pay as little as $25.

i went out. i bought a mirror, put it on my ceiling for no reason at all. it was a tuesday. true story. you don't do [ bleep ] like that on a tuesday. that's a weekend move. not a tuesday move. it was all good until i caught a reflection in that mirror while we were [ bleep ]. let me tell you, people, whatever you think you look like when you [ bleep ],promise you, you don't look like that. [ laughter ] i promise you. i'm not talking about you posing in front of the mirror. i'm talking about an unexpected

glimpse of yourself in the [ bleep ] mirror. i saw the bottom of my feet. i have never been more disgusted with myself as a man until i saw the bottom of my [ bleep ] feet. my feet were black as [ bleep ]. where was i at? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: kevin hart, the new netflix comedy special "irresponsible." it's very funny. it's very dirty. this is not for "the secret life of pets 2" crowd. >> no. no. no. it's a little raunchy. i would definitely say rated r plus r. >> jimmy: one of the things i loved and really i was wondering about. you disclosed your wife's porn search history. >> yeah. yeah. >> jimmy: now how does that work? do you tell her, like hey, i, there's something i want to talk about on stage? >> mm-hm. >> jimmy: let me know how you feel about it? >> no. >> jimmy: no? >> no, that's not how it happens at all. [ laughter ] i don't say a damn thing at all. i just do it. >> jimmy: you just do it. >> she found out when she came to the comedy show what

happened. [ laughter ] no, that was a tough time for me. that was a tough time. that was a tough situation in the household. because, you know, i forgot we were just having a conversation. it was a random conversation. >> jimmy: mm-hm. >> and through the random conversation, i was like, do you watch porn? she was like, yeah, i watch porn from time to time. i was like, get out of here, really? what? what do you watch? she's like, porn. stuff. let me see, let me see the stuff you watch, let me see what your stuff is and [ bleep ]. and she showed me. [ laughter ] it really hurt me. it did a number. [ laughter ] it did a number. it did a hell of a number on me. because it was so different from what i am. [ laughter ] it was so, everything was big. everything. [ laughter ] everything. tall. everybody was tall. i got mad. what is this? what is this?

she's like, what? i like that stuff. [ laughter ] oh, my heart. we're very open and honest. i love the discussions that we have. that's the beauty of standup comedy when done correctly. honesty and authenticity is what people can respond to. ultimately, you want to laugh at what you can relate to and what you believe. putting my life out there in full is what i do and what i've been doing. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: right. what about the kids, though? what do they think about when you talk about them? >> my kids are in love with the fact that their dad is funny. nothing is malicious. >> jimmy: of course not. >> nothing is malicious. and it's all done from my point of view. it's the way i see myself in certain situations. the jokes about my kids, you know, first of all, they don't have a say-so or a choice. >> jimmy: right. [ laughter ] >> they live a very good life. so you're going to shut up and take this punishment until you get old enough to defend yourself. and, and the biggest thing for me is talking to them about the jokes that i'm developing around

them. and getting their feedback on it, like, you know, when i was doing the joke about my daughter. my daughter's 14 now. one of my favorite jokes in here is the way that i handle my daughter having her first period. it was like the craziest thing for me, and i don't want to give up too much. >> jimmy: you were very prepared for it. very prepared. >> i was extremely unprepared and prepared at the same time. [ laughter ] but it's a real moment. like, these are things that really happen. and i know i'm not the only man that has been in that situation where you think you know what to do until it arrives. and it was just the complete opposite, you know? i ended up telling my daughter to, to go drink a gallon of milk, hurry up. [ laughter ] it was so random, because i didn't know. i was nervous. hurry up! drink some milk! it will stop it. it will stop everything, you know? [ laughter ] what? what?

it will stop it, it will freeze it up! it will freeze it up. >> jimmy: i think that's for hot sauce. >> i had no idea where it came from. but, you know, through panicking is where some of the most fun comes from. >> jimmy: you're turning 40 in july. >> i am, man. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: do you have a big thing planned? >> no. >> jimmy: nothing planned? >> no, i'm not doing anything. it's over. >> jimmy: is it over? >> when i say it's over, i'm talking about the other side of fun. there's a period that you look at fun, like yo, tonight is the night, it's going to be crazy. when i saw that video of you and you're laying on the casino chairs, you too old for that [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] you know. at a certain -- >> never too old, kevin. >> no, no, you are. [ laughter ] there's a certain point, there's a certain point where you got to look in the mirror and go, what am i doing? what am i doing? and i've drank.

i've tried to do the younger version of myself has done in the past. and it's not gone over well. like, i can't handle it. so for my 40th, i'm giving myself honesty. i want to sit down and watch a movie. leave me alone. [ cheers and applause ] i don't need to do anything else. i don't need anything else. i am comfortable with nothing. i don't need a celebration at all. >> jimmy: in other words, hint, hint, you want a surprise party. no problem. [ laughter ] >> that's always a fear, too. throwing a big party and nobody's showing up. [ laughter ] i don't want to do that either. >> jimmy: everybody's invited to kevin's birthday party. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're going to watch a movie. we're going to watch "the secret life of pets 2." >> that's going to be a fun party. >> jimmy: watch kevin's special on netflix, "irresponsible." it's available now. kevin hart, everybody! we'll be right back. without going broke... and staying true to your taste while staying on budget.

who says rising costs means lowering the bar? settling? no need. get the brands you want, the prices you want, whenever you want. tj maxx where you can always afford to be you to the maxx. ♪ deion: here you go. deion: ooh i told you. ♪ group: hey, devin! ♪ ♪

type 2 diabetes? discover the ozempic® tri-zone. ♪ in my ozempic® tri-zone, i lowered my a1c, cv risk, and lost some weight. in studies, the majority of people reached an a1c under 7 and maintained it. ozempic® lowers the risk of major cardiovascular events such as stroke, heart attack, or death in adults also with known heart disease. and you may lose weight. adults lost up to 14 pounds. ozempic® isn't for people with type 1 diabetes. don't share needles or pens, or reuse needles. don't take ozempic® if you or your family ever had medullary thyroid cancer, or have multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2, or if allergic to it. stop ozempic® and get medical help right away if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, severe stomach pain, or an allergic reaction. serious side effects may include pancreatitis. gallbladder problems may occur. tell your provider about vision problems or changes. taking ozempic® with a sulfonylurea or insulin may increase low blood sugar risk. side effects like nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea may lead to dehydration, which may worsen kidney problems.

join the millions already taking ozempic®. ask your health care provider about the ozempic® tri-zone. my name is jorge gaviria, and this is my business, masienda. we bring heirloom corn products from mexico to every kitchen. i chose my spark cash plus card from capital one because i earn unlimited 2% cash back on everything i buy. with no preset spending limit, my purchasing power adapts to meet my business needs. and i reinvest my 2% cash back to help grow our business with new products, like our tabletop masa mill. my spark card helps me fulfill my mission of bringing masa to the masses. what's in your wallet? dip into typhoon cove... [dj airhorn] ...the metro area's most outrageous indoor water park- hey carl? yeah? we're doing snickers. we did the water park yesterday. you didn't invite me? we didn't actually... go... was it fun? nevermind, carl. book a work trip. earn onekeycash. shake some hands. do not forget to laugh. [laughing] book a get-away-from-work trip. use onekeycash. order some sides.

do not disturb. join one key to earn and use rewards across expedia, hotels.com, and vrbo.

hey, everybody, this is cook e jarr. tomorrow, "jimmy kimmel live" in las vegas. special guests mike tyson and music from iggy azalea. jimmy's going to make cousin sal, guillermo, and aunt chippy do the zip line. i can't wait for that. welcome home, jimmy, we love you, man! [ cheers and applause ] ay undete with fewer medicines. that's why i switched to dovato. dovato is a complete hiv treatment for some adults. no other complete hiv pill uses fewer medicines to help keep you undetectable than dovato. detect this: most hiv pills contain 3 or 4 medicines. dovato is as effective with just 2. if you have hepatitis b, don't stop dovato without talking to your doctor. don't take dovato if you're allergic to its ingredients or taking dofetilide. this can cause serious or life-threatening side effects. if you have a rash

or allergic reaction symptoms, stop dovato and get medical help right away. serious or life-threatening lactic acid buildup and liver problems can occur. tell your doctor if you have kidney or liver problems, or if you are pregnant, breastfeeding, or considering pregnancy. dovato may harm an unborn baby. most common side effects are headache, nausea, diarrhea, trouble sleeping, tiredness, and anxiety. detect this: i stay undetectable with fewer medicines. ask your doctor about switching to dovato. ♪ “you can't hurt me no more” by gene chandler ♪ i stay undetectable with fewer medicines. ♪ (no) ♪ ♪ you can't hurt me no more ♪ ♪ after all the pain you sent my way ♪

♪ (no, no, no) ♪ ♪ no, no, no, no, no ♪ ♪ (no, no, no) ♪ ♪ you can't hurt me no more, baby ♪ i'm a bear. i'm coming out of hibernation after the best nap of my life... and papa is hungry. and while you're hittin' the trail, i'm hitting your cooler. oh, cheddar! i've got hot dog buns! and your cut-rate car insurance might not pay for all this. so get allstate, and be better protected from mayhem, like me. roar. (sfx: family screams in background) for people who are a little intense about hydration. neutrogena® hydro boost lightweight. fragrance-free. 48-hour hydration. for that healthy skin glow. neutrogena®. for people with skin. they'll be here in 5, we ready? - there's uh... - oh. left. left. i don't have it. i don't have it.

- keep going. - we should've used behr. yeah. today let's paint. right now, get america's most trusted paint brand at a new low price starting at $28.98. behr. only at the home depot. with new scope squeez mouthwash concentrate, just add water, squeeze to control the strength of your mouthwash. and find a zone... all your own. ♪ scope squeez.

>> lou: it's time to play "what's your deal?" >> where are you from? >> new york. >> what's your name? >> corey hearkens. >> what's your deal? >> what's my deal? what do you mean, my deal? am i selling something? what is the thing i enjoy doing? >> what's your deal? >> lou: what do you think? what's corey's deal? pirates? all-natural deodorant? spiders and insects? or anime? let's find out. >> i have to say my deal is spiders and insects.

it's one of my favorite things. i like to see the little hairs on their bodies, the small eyes on their face. i let them crawl on my face sometimes as well. >> lou: insects? i would have guessed anime. >> other than that i really don't -- i'd say anime, probably, cosplay. >> lou: i [ bleep ]ing knew it, corey.

>> jimmy: thanks to kevin hart. thanks to carrot top. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. "nightline" is next, but first, the song is called "here with me." here with some help from chvrches. marshmello! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ can i tell you something just between you and me when i hear your voice i know i'm finally

free ♪ ♪ every single word is perfect as it can be and i need you here with me ♪ ♪ when you lift me up i know that i'll never fall i can speak to you ♪ ♪ by saying nothing at all every single time i find it harder to breathe 'cause i need you ♪ ♪ here with me everyday you're saying the words that i want you to say ♪ ♪ there's a pain in my heart and it won't go away now i know i'm falling in deep ♪ ♪ 'cause i need you here with me everyday you're saying the words that ♪ ♪ i want you to say there's a

pain in my heart and it won't go away now i know ♪ ♪ i'm falling in deep 'cause i need you here with me i think i see your face ♪ ♪ in every place that i go i try to hide it but i know that it's gonna show every single night ♪ ♪ i find it harder to sleep 'cause i need you here with me everyday you're saying ♪ ♪ the words that i want you to say there's a pain in my heart and it ♪ ♪ won't go away now i know i'm falling in deep 'cause i need you ♪ ♪ here with me every day you're saying the words that i want you to say ♪ tre's a pain in my heart and

it won't go away now i know ♪ ♪ i'm falling in deep 'cause i need you here with me can i tell you ♪ ♪ something just between you and me when i hear your voice i know i'm finally free ♪ ♪ every single word is perfect as it can be 'cause i need you here with me ♪ [ cheers and applause ]

♪ this is "nightline." >> byron: tonight -- >> we're going to see beyonce! >> byron: overseas discount. fans crazy in love to see beyonce. heading to europe. >>